


Out of the Blue

by ficdirectory



Series: Disuphere series [7]
Category: The Fosters (TV 2013)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Brain Injury, Cerebral Palsy, Disuphere Universe, Friendship, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Injury, Injury Recovery, Nightmares, PTSD, Panic Attacks, Past Child Abuse, Protective Siblings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-01
Updated: 2020-10-19
Packaged: 2021-03-01 01:34:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 120
Words: 249,866
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23437027
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ficdirectory/pseuds/ficdirectory
Summary: Mariana, Fran and Jesus are dealing with a new development in their family mere months after Mari and Fran move back in.  Dominique faces a medical complication on her own and Pearl and Levi continue to uncover new information about their dad.(Set immediately after "History" and the very end of "Code Name Josh.)
Series: Disuphere series [7]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1321766
Comments: 476
Kudos: 9





	1. Necessities

It’s been two whole days since Francesca has gotten to see Giselle - her new bestie. Even though she’s nine and Fran’s eleven, it doesn’t matter. Jesus said. They can still be friends. Even besties. 

Giselle is Mrs. Smith’s daughter. Mrs. Smith used to be Jesus’s teacher in the olden days. She took care of him at school when the bad guy had him. Only the bad guy even fooled Mrs. Smith! Fran can’t believe it. Jesus forgives her, though. Because she always tried to help him even though she didn’t know.

Anyways...

The very first thing Fran had said to Giselle when they were alone was, “I have CP!” It just came blurting out of her. Because she was so excited. And it made Righty get all stiff with happiness to hear Giselle say:

“Me, too.”

She just keeps talking and talking about Giselle to anybody who will listen. She tells Mariana everything about a billion times. Mariana knows how it feels because she just met Rosa and Rosa’s like her, and they’re kind of friends. 

Mariana listens. She asks a lot of questions like “What does Giselle like to do?” and “What kind of cookies did you decorate?” and “When do you get to go back?”

Fran answered every question:

“She likes to watch Netflix and paint and decorate cookies. We decorated sugar cookies. I did a reindeer because there weren’t sloths. And Jesus did a really good bell. And Jesus and Mrs. Smith both said we could see each other every week.”

“That’s so cool,” Mariana says. She smiles a little.

They’re relaxing in their new favorite place: the break room. (It’s still weird that it isn’t Jesus’s room anymore. The only sign he ever lived here are the beanbag chairs. It makes Fran kind of sad thinking about that.)

It’s been less than two months since Fran and Mariana have come back home from Jesus’s.

It’s weird, still. Talking to Moms has gotten a little bit easier, but not much. There hasn’t been any family rule-breaking...yet. But they were pretty mad when she and Mari and Jesus did Siblingsgiving and not family Thanksgiving.

But Fran is still going to see Dr. H. She did, just before she went to visit Giselle and Mrs. Smith on Thursday. And Dr. H. made sure she knew that Moms feelings were about Moms and that Fran had rights. Like, to leave a dangerous situation. To avoid unsafe people.

That made Fran’s whole day. Because it was like validating The Avoiders, by an actual grown-up. Avoiding unsafe people is something Fran has been doing since she was ten. She’s getting a lot of practice at it.

“I wonder what we got from Giselle and Mrs. Smith?” Fran asks.

“I think you’ll find out soon,” Mariana says.

“Soon is like Christmas  _ morning _ . This is, like, Christmas  _ evening _ …” Fran insists. “It’s too long to wait.”

“I know...but the other ones...couldn’t come ‘til now or something,” Mariana explains and Fran knows she’s talking about Callie and Jude and Brandon. Jesus isn’t here yet, but he can get here in, like, five minutes. He’s still at his apartment because there’s nothing Christmassy there. He kind of hates Christmas. Fran would still rather be with him.

She sighs. “I know it’s kinda rude...but I wish we could just have Christmas by ourselves. Like we had Thanksgiving…” 

Mariana nods. “The noise level is gonna suck.”

“Oh! Here!” Fran exclaims. She gets up and tries to hurry to their room but Righty’s too excited to hurry. Fran gets down and reaches under the bed where she kept Mari’s present. 

She pulls it out. It’s wrapped terribly but it is in Harry Potter wrapping paper, which Fran hopes will help. She brings the crumpled package and drops on the beanbag next to Mari.

“There. Open it,” Fran says.

“Fran. It’s not time yet,” Mari repeats. “I just said, right?”

“Yeah, but you want this,” Fran explains.

“It’s from...all The Avoiders…” Mari says looking at the tag. “Will they mind if I open it with just you?”

“No,” Fran smiles. “We planned it.”

Mariana rips into the present and Fran keeps her lips pressed tight together to stop any spoilers (or accidental meanness about using her left hand) inside. She doesn’t really want to be mean about that, it’s just habit, because every time Mari has opened a present since her accident, that’s what everybody says.

Fran holds her breath as Mari gets the wrapping off. As she sees the pair of bright pink noise cancelling headphones inside. “We all chipped in,” Fran says, nervous. “I gave $20. Everybody else gave more because they’re older.”

“Aw...thank you…” Mariana says. She’s smiling and puts them on right away. Her eyes widen. “MY GOD THIS IS THE BEST!” she says, a little loud, and she and Fran laugh together.

Fran promises herself she won’t let Moms or anybody make fun of Mari for wearing them.

They’re accommodation-headphones.

If they have to be at noisy Christmas, Mari should have them.

\--

This year, Christmas takes all of Dom’s bravery: because they’re going to hang out with Dad’s family. They haven’t done this since Dom was ten.

So much has happened.

She loves Grandma Williams and her uncle Leo and aunt Liz (twins.) But she barely knows their spouses. Both have had kids since Dom’s seen them and she’s not so sure she’s ready to experience those stares, and the bald-faced questions they might ask.

Dom has come dressed as Shuri, and Mom and Dad promise it’s fine.

She pivots out of Leo’s attempt at a hug and briefly embraces Liz, for a few short seconds. Grandma gets the same...because she’s Grandma. (Dom’s heart aches to hug Grandma Nora like this…but more. So much more.)

The costume has the desired effect. Leo’s kids, 6-year-old twins, Madison and Mason, lose their shit when they see her. Liz’s son, 5-year-old David, cowers, afraid.

“Are you the real live Shuri?” Madison asks in awe.

Dominique looks at Dad who nods. So, Dom nods, too.

“She is not. She’s our old cousin, Dominique,” Mason explains.

Dominique raises an eyebrow, and Mason is silent. 

Dom feels so out of place here. She aches, around all these kids. She can never not think about Taylor during the holidays. And every day. And the reality is? None of Dad’s family even knows about her at all.

“So, how are things going?” Grandma Williams asks.

“Fine,” Dominique allows. She can’t shake the feeling that Grandma’s talking to her like she’d talk to a perfect stranger. Dom guesses she is. She hasn’t seen any of them since 2008. It might as well have been a lifetime.

“You’ve grown up so beautifully. I love this costume. It’s so lovely,” Grandma says, reaching out to touch the fabric. Dominique deftly moves away. “Have you thought of doing this for a living?”

“No,” Dominique shakes her head. “I’m happy where I am.”

“She’s a receptionist at the hospital, Mom,” Dad says.

“I know,” Grandma Williams defends. “I’m just saying. She’s obviously talented. She could make a career out of this.”

“Well, we’re definitely proud of her. She uses her costuming talents to help friends. She made the cutest costume for Fran.”

“Who’s that?” Leo asks, coming over, crunching on some Chex mix.

“My niece,” Dominique says, before she realizes she’s gonna say it.

She pulls up a picture of Mom, Dad, her and Fran (face obscured by her sloth mask) on Halloween. “She’s got a thing for sloths.”

“That’s awesome. Liz! Come look at this. You know, David’s a big fan of hot dogs...maybe you ought to commission Dom to make his next costume…”

“Dominique, this is so sweet…” Liz gushes.

“But...niece…? I’m confused… I’m sorry…” Grandma Williams says.

“She’s Dominique’s family,” Mom says easily, and Dominique swallows. Blinks back tears. She can’t stand it here.

Nobody gets her.

Even with Mom and Dad’s support, this is agony.

\--

Pearl, Levi and Nia have hung out all day.

Both have shown Nia their notes from Dad. And Nia sobbed right along with them.

Pearl’s found a spot on the wall to hang her gift from Santa - the framed card from 2019. She chooses the spot right next to the photo for this year’s card, which she and Levi agreed to enlarge and frame for the wall.

“My mom never hung pictures…” Pearl realizes. “I’m sorry,” she apologizes, with a glance at Levi as she finally tears her eyes away from the wall.

“Pearl...you can mention her. It’s okay,” Levi reassures. He’s still misty. Still clutching his letter from Dad. “Besides I...I think I remember that…”

“What?” Pearl asks.

“That there weren’t any pictures of you…” he admits, with a regretful look at her.

“How would you remember that, son?” Nia asks, and Levi’s mouth falls open, just now realizing his gaff.

“Um… Okay… So… Remember...that one Spring Break we came up here? I was about eight...and Dad was gonna try to see Pearl?” 

Pearl watches, speechless, as Levi stutters his way through an explanation. Nia’s caught on. It’s too late to backtrack.

“Yeah. You went to Nadine’s to play with your cousins...right?” Nia asks.

“Not exactly…” Levi admits. “I kinda begged Dad to take me with him to meet Pearl.”

“But he didn’t get to meet you,” Nia says, looking at Pearl.

“No,” Pearl confirms, sorry. “I’d already moved out by then. She hadn’t told me anything about it.”

“So… Levi… Tell me the truth now… When your dad had to leave to come check on me and Grandma Major… Were you at Carla’s?”

“Yes, ma’am…” Levi admits, a little pale.

Pearl cannot breathe. It’s the last thing she expects for them to be having this conversation now. In front of her.

Nia tips his chin up and looks in his eyes: “You’re not okay, are you, son?” She searches him in a way that makes Pearl uncomfortable. “She hurt you? You were so changed after that. Dad and I always figured it was losing Grandma...but...oh honey…”

Pearl is reeling. How does Nia know this? What piece of the story does she hold? She must know something, to be able to deduce so quickly that anytime in Carla’s presence was likely to be damaging. But now is so not the time to ask questions.

“It’s not your fault…” Levi tells her, almost begging. Then, he turns to Pearl. “It’s not yours either. I’m okay now.”

“But we should have known,” Nia says, breaking. “You gotta let me feel about this, Levi.”

“Yes, ma’am,” he consents, bowing his head.

Pearl’s not planning to join them, but Levi extends a hand to her, inviting her closer. All three have their heads bent together. Pearl and Nia on either side of Levi, holding him. 

All three, finally knowing the truth.


	2. Surprises

Jesus takes as long as he can to arrive at home for Christmas. He reuses the giant Santa bag that he and Fran took to the Smiths and loads it up with cookies.

He’s not really talented at anything else, and he doesn’t really feel like anything else is as important as feeding the ones he loves. He’s made two massive batches of cookies this year, double-chocolate peppermint and gingerbread (for the non-chocolate lovers.) 

Jesus has veered away from peanut butter, knowing Levi’s history with that type of cookie, but he’s made sure all The Avoiders got some food. And he’s bringing some to Stef and Lena’s of course.

He secures his yellow scarf around his neck and busts out the Cookie Baking crew shirt again - it’s still clean. He only wore it over to the Smiths.

He opens his Marco Polo app and aims the camera wide, so Fran and Mari can see his shirt. “Hey, are we on for this?”

Jesus can see immediately that Fran is watching. Her video comes back in a second. She’s beaming her biggest smile back at him as she shows him her own shirt and Mariana’s. They all match.

“Oh, we’re on for this,” Fran and Mari chorus, and Jesus kinda gets the feeling that Levi talked about, whenever he saw Jesus and Mari acting majorly twinish. He grins, too.

“Okay,” he says, sending one more video. “I’ll be over in a bit. Mari, cool headphones. Merry Christmas,” Jesus tells her.

“Shut up,” Mari laughs. “I mean, don’t. These are the best, seriously.”

“Well, you’re the best,” Fran assures Mari on camera. “So, the best for the best.” She kisses Mariana on the cheek.

Mari kisses her on the head.

It’s cute as hell.

“Took the words right out of my mouth, Fran,” Jesus says.

“P.S,” Fran says in one more video. “Moms are getting a tiny bit crabby that you’re not here.”

“Be there soon,” Jesus promises.

\--

He pulls up in front of his childhood home. It has a way of catching him off-guard. Still - when he’s not super focused - and thinking about home, and going there, his brain will conjure That House with it’s creaky back door, boarded windows and a thousand locks.

To be honest, this house right now hasn’t felt a hell of a lot safer lately. But according to Mari and Fran, it’s going okay being back.

Jesus has got to get in there, though.

He grabs his Santa bag and whistles for Dudley, who obediently jumps out of the car and is at Jesus’s side.

“You wanna run around first?” Jesus asks. He drops the bag by the front door and darts around the yard with Dudley, who’s surprisingly fast and agile for kind of a big dog. It makes him happy to run off some energy, and it makes Jesus happy to put off going inside.

They rush past his old bedroom window and glance up to see Fran’s face pressed to the window. She waves and he waves back.

After one intensely fast lap, they’re on the step, panting.

Jesus stops himself short of knocking on the door, but still can’t bring himself to just go in. Old habits die hard.

Thankfully, the door’s pulled open, “Hey!” Callie says warmly. She holds her arms open and waits. 

Jesus embraces her, relaxing as he hears her usual voice soften into character:

“My dear, I’ve missed you so…” she says.

He laughs a little. “Missed you, too,” he admits.

“You know, you’re the only one I do that for now,” Callie says.

“What? Ximena doesn’t dig Mrs. Longbottom?” Jesus asks, feigning hurt. “What’s her deal?”

“She does. She just...claims she’d rather hear me as  _ me _ or something,” Callie shrugs.

“Hey, Jesus!” Jude greets smiling. “What’s in the bag? You know, I can totally do some quality control...:” he winks.

“Yeah, I know about your quality control--” Jesus remarks, doing air quotes.

“More like zero self-control,” Callie intones, knowing.

“It was  _ one _ time!” Jude argues. “I made the cake, okay? I was tasting it because you’re always supposed to taste your food!” 

“So cute,” Callie says.

“I was twelve,” Jude mutters, affronted.

Jesus tries to stay present, but when Jude starts talking about being an adolescent it’s not easy. “Hey, man. We made Lena a cake back in the day, too. It was terrible.”

“Hey!” Jude laughs. “I didn’t say mine was terrible!”

“Jesus! Merry Christmas, man. You finally got here! Come on,” Brandon invites. “Frankie’s chomping at the bit to open some gifts.”

“She’s not even out here,” Ximena points out, coming up beside Callie.

“What do you mean?” Brandon asked. “She was. Like, two seconds ago…”

“She’s in your old room,” Talya says to Jesus, coming up beside Brandon. “With Mariana.”

“Girls!” Stef calls. “Come on! Chop-chop! Jesus is here! Time to see what Santa brought…”

\--

Mariana comes out scowling. She makes her way downstairs carefully, never more happy about the headphones.

“I don’t believe in Santa!” Fran announces loudly, but it sounds tolerable muffled.

“What do you mean?” Lena asks.

“We’re not girls,” Mariana mutters, irritated, at Stef.

“Mariana, it’s Christmas… Can we give the language policing a rest? For, say, an hour?” Stef bargains.

“Whatever…” Mariana crosses her arms.

\--

Fran is in the living room sitting right next to Jesus and Mariana, but Lena motions her to talk privately. Like a magnet, she reaches out for Mariana’s hand, to take her with.

Mariana comes.

“Honey, that hurts our feelings…” Lena says, and Fran is so confused.

“What?” she asks.

“Saying you don’t believe in Santa like that?” Lena clarifies.

“Well...I was just saying...I know it’s really you and Mom. I’ve known since that one time in the car? I was eight, and Mom was super mad about something? She said then that all the made-up stuff was made-up.” Fran points out, quiet.

“Moms  _ are _ Santa,” Mariana points out.

“I know,” Fran says, confused. Why is Mari taking their side?

“So, it’s like, you saying you don’t believe in Santa might make them feel like you don’t care what they’re doing...being Santa for you…”

“Mom didn’t care if I believed or not. Why do you guys care now?” Fran asks, hurt.

“You know what? Never mind…” Lena says. She rubs her temples and clicks on her necklace of Christmas lights. Fran and Mari both squint.

\--

**_Levi:_ **

_ [broken heart emoji] Mom knows. _

**_Mariana:_ **

_ …. _

\--

“Hey. Mari. Aren’t you gonna open your presents? You have a whole pile here,” Jude points out, glancing at her phone. “Who’s Levi?”

Mariana doesn’t have energy for this. And she’s boxed into this damn overstimulating holiday world, with presents on every side. She’s surrounded by boxes and bags, and everybody rips things at the same time.

“Mariana?” Jude asks again.

“Is he your boyfriend?” Brandon asks.

“Shut up,” Mariana snaps. “He’s 18. We’re friends.”

“Damn…” Talya breathes. “Cradle-robber,” she laughs. “Mariana! How did I not know this about you?”

Mariana’s half a breath from standing up and leaving right the hell now when she hears another voice.

“Alright,” Lena interjects. “That’s enough. Don’t tease Mariana about her people, please.”

It catches Mariana off guard and she nods cautiously in Lena’s direction. Lena nods back.

Still, present-opening takes years. Even though they’ve just been to the workshop, stuff is still wrapped. Jesus has gift bags, but he’s still surrounded by boxes and wrapping paper from other people’s gifts. He looks miserable.

“Is this my only present?” Fran asks, concerned, as she holds an envelope.

“Well, Santa might’ve gotten the message that the only thing you wanted this year was the chance to go visit your friends again…” Stef says.

“Wait, Mari. You have one that’s the same.” Fran says.

Feeling heat rush to her face, Mari struggles to open the envelope and gapes, seeing the two plane tickets for April, to Minnesota.

“Oh, my gosh!” Fran screams, so loud that Jesus winces.

She kicks boxes and wrapping paper out of the way and gives Stef and Lena hugs. “Thank you, thank you, thank you! And say thank you to Santa!”

“Maybe you might believe in him after all, huh?” Stef chides, gentle, but Mariana feels weird about it.

It takes so much time for everybody to get through their gifts. Fran’s eating her cookies from Jesus and sharing them with Mariana.

All of The Avoiders on the couch feel ready to crash. Fran has begun to ask Jesus worried questions like, “But will you and Dominique be able to come? Santa didn’t get you plane tickets…”

“Santa probably knew I had money. And if Dom has enough of a heads up, I’m sure she’ll be able to join us. Don’t worry, buddy.” Jesus reassures.

\--

Jesus doesn’t know why it still stings - the fact that Moms didn’t even bother to talk to him about what he’d need to make Christmas doable. Having his own gifts bagged didn’t really help when he’s still surrounded by boxes and wrapping paper. And being left out of a sibling gift nudges the old wound - that always throbbed when he went back to school in LA after Christmas...and everybody else was talking about their Christmas or Hanukkah gifts...and there was Jesus with nothing.

“Hold up,” Brandon says, when Mariana announces she’s going to bed. “I’ve got an announcement to make…”

And right there in front of everybody, Brandon gets down on one knee. He proposes to Talya. She says yes. He puts a ring the size of a rock on her finger. Stef whistles in a way that has Dudley on alert. That makes his own heart race. Fran jumps, and drops her cookie and the open Tupperware on the floor.

Dudley ignores the cookies, and Jesus bends down to pick them up, brushing them off and putting them back.

Fran’s chin trembles.

“I know, buddy,” Jesus says, putting an arm around her. It’s so far after her bedtime and she just got the crap startled out of her.

“They’re dirty now,” she whines. “I mean…” Fran hesitates, blinking back tears.

“I know,” he says, just trying like hell to cope.

Jesus remembers, in that instance, the sound of Him coming on Christmas night with Isaac. How Isaac cried and called out for somebody to help.

But Jesus had been chained in a bedroom. And only eleven, besides.

He hands off his own headphones to his baby sis. Keeps his arm around her, while the noise level skyrockets as Moms surround Brandon and Talya with Callie and Ximena, Jude and Noah. He, Mariana and Fran stay put. Too much chaos for him. Too much unpredictable movement and overstimulation for Fran and Mari.

It takes time for the noise to die down. By now, Lena has started urging everybody to pick up. 

“Jesus, you don’t have to,” she reassures. (Like that helps.)

The room’s clean again when Brandon says, “Wait. What's this?” 

“What’s what?” Stef asks.

“There’s one more gift back here…” he says.

“For me?” Fran says, perking up.

“You got plenty of gifts from all of us, right? And your big one from Moms? I mean, Santa?” Brandon corrects quickly.

“I guess,” Fran pouts.

“Oh, But that reminds me,” Brandon digs in his pocket. He pulls out a piece of paper and hands it to her.

Fran takes it and her eyes darken. “Why are you giving me a page that shows you searched for the article I hate the most ever in life? I already know you told everybody in the world I’m special needs. I don’t want to know that again on Christmas.” 

“Because… Look… Right here,” Brandon points out, weirdly patient.

“ _ No results found… _ ” Fran reads. “So?”

“So, I took it down. Merry Christmas,” Brandon says.

“You did?” Fran asks. 

This time she sets her cookies carefully aside before leaping up to hug Brandon. “Thank you,” she says.

It makes Jesus feel a little sick. Mariana’s stoic.

“Wait, though…” Callie points out. “Who’s the other gift for?”

“Oh,” Brandon says, casually tossing it to Moms.

“B...you really didn’t have to do this…” Stef insists. It’s enough to know you two are getting married. When’s the big day?”

“We’re thinking Valentine’s,” Talya says.

Jesus catches it when Mariana shudders.

“Should we open this?” Lena asks.

“Yes. Are you kidding? Open it!” Talya urges.

“Okay...what is this…” Stef asks, helping Lena. They both work at the wrapping paper. 

Belatedly, Jesus realizes that Brandon’s got his phone out and is recording this. He tries to shrink into the background.

Wordlessly, Callie comes, and stands on her knees in front of Jesus. Her own camera is out, facing Moms, so he has a vantage point to what’s happening, but he’s not at risk of being filmed. He reaches out and pats her shoulder.

“Oh my God…” Lena exclaims.

“No way!” Stef beams. “Are you serious?” she asks, sounding emotional.

Lena holds up a onesie that reads:  **First Grandbaby: arriving May, 2022.**

Stef holds up an ultrasound picture in a shaking hand.

“Say hello to your grandson, Moms…” Brandon urges, blinking back tears. “Talon Banks Foster.”

The room explodes. Laughing and crying. Stef can’t stop touching Talya’s belly, hidden by a baggy sweater. Lena keeps saying “I can’t believe it.” Stef says, “I love him already.”

The news is a gut punch, instantly making him think about Ana pregnant with Isabella, who she kept. Who she’s raising. Who she’s healthy for.

Jesus looks at Fran and then at Mariana. They’re somber. Fran reaches for both of their hands. Hers is cold.

He squeezes his support gently.

And tries to think of how the hell they’re gonna get through this.


	3. Truths

Levi’s managed to convince Mom and Pearl that he’s okay for long enough for them to leave him alone so he can text Mari. He can see her trying to text back - but knows that Christmas with their family is happening tonight.

It’s late now. Might not be ‘til tomorrow that she gets back to him.

But finally, a string of emojis come through, making a short message:

**_Mariana:_ **

_ [present emoji] [present emoji] [present emoji] [present emoji]  _

_ [eyes emoji] [broken heart emoji] [couple with a heart emoji] _

_ [love letter emoji] [clock emoji] _

Levi gets the meaning: 

_ Opening presents is taking forever, but I saw your broken heart. I’m here. I’ll write ASAP. _

It’s so much to cope with. The idea that Mom just put the pieces together so fast. It makes Levi feel like she would have figured it out back then, if everything hadn’t been happening all at once.

The break-in at Grandma Major’s.

Mom and Grandma getting beat up.

Grandma Major dying.

But everything  _ had _ happened all at once. And Mom never had the chance to really see that he wasn’t okay, before he figured out a way to stuff it all inside.

\--

“I can’t believe I didn’t know…” Nia manages. “What kind of a mother am I?”

“A good one,” Pearl insists, blowing her own nose loudly. “Trust me. You check in with Levi every single day. And with me. It used to be most of a year before mine would initiate any contact with me…”

Nia doesn’t speak, just reaches out and stills Pearl’s hands, as she’s busy making hot chocolate. (Again! It feels like it’s all they’ve subsisted on…) Nia hugs Pearl hard. 

“I’m so sorry, honey. I’m sorry you didn’t have the mom you deserved. I want you to know that you are my daughter. You understand? You need anything at all? You call me. You got a question? Call me. You just wanna talk? Call me. And I’ll do the same.”

“How did you… Since you said I could ask?” Pearl ventures in a hush, pulling out a chair for Nia and for herself. She cuddles Cleo on her lap.

Nia nods, grave.

“You jumped to the conclusion that she...was dangerous…” Pearl decides, protecting Levi’s privacy, “...Very quickly. But you had never met her, right?”

“No, and thank God for that. Think I would’ve killed her. Especially now…” Nia decides, taking out an actual handkerchief and blowing her nose.

“But...how did you know that about her?” Pearl asks softly.

“Paris told me…” Nia admits. “Just before he died...he told me… Honey, what do you remember about the time you were four?”

“That’s when he left. I mean, I guess. Right? I woke up in the morning and looked for him...and then I asked Mom where he was. She snapped at me that he was gone and he wasn’t coming back. I’d just seen a Mr. Rogers episode about death. That’s how he described it. So, I asked if she meant dead, and she said yes. She was impatient. That’s it. I knew not to ask anymore questions about it.”

“Pearl, this is gonna be hard to hear…” Nia warns. “But I know it’s your right to hear it. It’s your life. Paris told me, I know, so that if we ever did find you, you could have the information…”

“Nia, please… Just say it. Whatever it is…” Pearl begs.

“He was fixing to leave your mother. Packed bags. Left divorce papers on the dining table. She worked out of the house then, and he didn’t have much time. You’d fallen asleep on the couch and he turned to get you, and she…”

“She what?” Pearl whispers.

“She held a knife to your throat…” Nia says, tears rolling down her cheeks. “She knew your Daddy was fixing to take you and go, and she insisted he go right then. Didn’t even get to say goodbye to you. Broke his heart. He left because it was the only way to protect you, honey.”

Pearl sits dry-eyed. It makes sense. Everything she knows of Mom lets Pearl know she’s definitely capable of what Nia says. (What Dad saw.) No wonder he had so many regrets around not being able to save her.

“Does Levi know?” Pearl ventures, her voice hollow. “I know he’d asked Dad something about the worst thing Carla had ever done. Dad clammed up.”

“No, he doesn’t,” Nia reassures, patting Pearl’s hand. “But that’s why...when I heard Levi had been there...around your mother...I knew. Something happened to him. He changed after that trip. Always attributed it to losing my mom...but…” Nia shakes her head, as if to clear it. “We should get back to him.”

“We should,” Pearl nods, and they both rise from the table. “Nia?” Pearl calls.

“Yeah, baby?” Nia asks, turning back. 

“Thank you,” Pearl says solemnly, “for telling me the truth.”

“It was always yours to have,” Nia manages. “I love you so much. I hope you know that.”

“I do,” Pearl nods, swallowing a lump in her throat.

\--

Dominique can’t get out of her family Christmas fast enough. Mom and Dad know her well enough not to even consider spending the night with the relatives. She copes through the long ride home texting Levi, who seems to have time on his hands as well:

**_Dominique:_ **

_ Driving home with Mom and Dad. Hate the dark. Hate cars. Hate cars with men in them, even my dad… _

**_Levi:_ **

_ I’m sorry. Did you at least get cool gifts??? _

**_Dominique:_ **

_ OMG! Mom and Dad sprung them on me in the car OTW home. Them and Stef and Lena apparently put their heads together and got us plane tickets to MN in April again! _

**_Levi:_ **

_ What??? Y’all are coming back??? [smiling emoji] [smiling emoji] _

**_Dominique:_ **

_ Yeah, it surprised me, too, but in a good way. So, me and the AFs will fly up. Looks like we’ll be there the eve of Fran’s bday. We should celebrate somehow. _

**_Levi:_ **

_ Definitely. God, this makes tonight better. Thank you for telling me. _

**_Dominique:_ **

_ Wasn’t sure if Mari told you yet or not… _

**_Levi:_ **

_ No, they’re still in the middle of their lives and Christmas over there. How was yours? _

**_Dominique:_ **

_ I went dressed as Shuri and scared all my cousins. _

**_Levi:_ **

_ Of course you did. I love that. How were the cousins? _

**_Dominique:_ **

_ Young. I know Dad’s close to his family, but I barely know them. It was awkward as hell being there, with his mom trying to urge me into costume design for famous people… Like, I don’t need to do a thing professionally for it to have merit… What about you? Pearl’s not answering my texts… Everything okay? _

**_Levi:_ **

_ She’s talking to my mom. And, no? Not really. Like, I’m safe and all...but things kinda...IDK… _

**_Dominique:_ **

_ Dock Talks? (We can totally have those again in a few months…) _

**_Levi:_ **

_ Need Dock Talks in my life. And I’m here if you need distraction. _

**_Dominique:_ **

_ Just need to talk to somebody who knows me. Do you get that? _

**_Levi:_ **

_ So much, yeah. And I’m here. And I do kind of know you. _

**_Dominique:_ **

_ More than kind of. I just...feel weird around them, you know? They had one idea about me. Who I was as a kid, prior to everything. Seeing me now, I...don’t think they knew what to make of me. It was like talking to strangers. _

**_Levi:_ **

_ Sounds disorienting. Any Christmas triggers? _

**_Dominique:_ **

_ None specifically other than grief. You? _

**_Levi:_ **

_ Same. I’ve got your back, though. _

**_Dominique:_ **

_ Yours, too. _

\--

Once everything finally starts to wind down, Moms ask if they can talk to Jesus. 

“Yeah. Where?” he asks.

He’s so shocked his breath catches when they open the front door. When he sees the old porch swing. 

“Here okay?” Stef asks.

“I...guess...yeah…” Jesus admits. 

It’s been literal years since he’s sat out here with them. He had no idea the last time (his and Mari’s eighteenth birthday) would be the last time for five years. It hurts like an old injury that didn’t heal right. He winces, but walks out, Dudley at his side. He waits for them to sit. They wait for him to sit.

It’s awkward as hell.

“So…” he ventures. “What’s up?”

“Well, we know Christmas isn’t an easy time for you,” Lena begins. “And we wanted you to know we understand that.”

Dudley groans and settles down, resting his head on Jesus’s feet. It’s grounding, and that’s why he does it. 

Jesus checks his phone. “Did you get to check in with Mari and Fran tonight?” he asks.

“We had company tonight, so we checked in a little bit this morning,” Lena reassures. 

Jesus wraps Dudley’s leash around his hand. Unwraps it. Doesn’t comment. He can guess at how their “checking in a little bit” went. Pearl would have mentioned something. Saturday’s her day to be backup.

“So…?” he ventures.

“So,” Stef says, clearing her throat. “We, uh, couldn’t help overhearing you and Fran talking about plane tickets. We want you to know that we didn’t forget you.”

“No, we did not,” Lena repeats for emphasis. As if to prove her point, she takes out an envelope. “We got them for you, too. We just know how difficult airports are for you to navigate.”

“And we didn’t want you to feel like we were sending you somewhere if, for some reason, you didn’t want to go…” Stef hedges.

“Okay,” Jesus says. “I mean, thank you. So much. This must’ve cost a ton…”

“Don’t worry about it,” Lena insists. “We’re the parents. We worry about finances. We just want you to be able to go see your friends. You know, if you want to.”

“Yeah. I do. Of course, I do…” Jesus answers. 

He stands and hugs them one at a time. It feels performative. Like muscle-memory. The thing he does before he leaves the porch. (Maybe uncomfortably close to Level 3 automatic… God, he hopes not.)

Dudley’s wedged his whole dog self between Jesus’s legs and Moms’. So that even though they’re embracing, there’s still a barrier.

It helps.

\--

Francesca feels the luckiest ever. It’s almost 11:00 at night, and she still gets to be up. Mari’s up, too. And Jesus is still here. Finally coming inside from talking to Moms.

“Porch time?” Mari asks, drinking a bunch of coffee. Fran doesn’t know what porch time even is or why Mari sounds hurt about it.

“Yeah,” Jesus says. He ducks his head like he’s embarrassed. But after that, Fran looks where he’s looking and can see what he’s showing - an envelope - just sticking it out of his pocket. “I got plane tickets,” he says, a slow smile spreading.

“You did? Yes! Now Mari and I don’t have to fly alone! Actually, Mari would never go anywhere without Jesus, would you?” Fran asks, not waiting for an answer. She knows Mari wouldn’t. “And neither would I…”

“Thanks, buddy,” Jesus says and settles in at the kitchen table. “So...what’s up? What’s with the sib meeting?”

“Nothing,” Brandon shrugs. “Just thought it’d be nice if we all talked. It’s been a while… How are you guys?”

“Who are you and what did you do with Brandon?” Jude asks and Fran laughs.

“What?” Brandon asks. “I’m still me, guys. It’s just a new phase in life. I’m learning what’s important. And I wanna be sure all you guys know that I’m still gonna be here for you.”

Fran laughs. She can’t help it. It’s one of those worst-time-ever laughs that just come out before she knows it.

“What’s so funny over there?” Brandon asks.

“Nothing, just…” Fran checks with Mariana. Mari shakes her head no, just a little. “Nothing. I just thought of a funny video…” 

(Fran can’t say she’s laughing because Brandon’s never been there for her. Not one time. The only nice thing he’s done is when he told her he got the article about her all deleted...and even that...like… It wouldn’t have been there to delete at all if Brandon never posted like that.)

“So… How exactly are you gonna do a Valentine’s wedding?” Jude asks, like he can’t believe it. Fran doesn’t get why. “Wedding venues need to be booked way farther in advance…”

Brandon looks at Callie for some reason Fran doesn’t know. Fran looks at Mari and then at her coffee. Mari nudges it toward her and Fran takes a drink. It’s so good. Fran feels so grown up right now.

“What?” Callie says. “You know it’s true, Brandon. What aren’t you saying right now?”

“Is Talya not pregnant?!” Fran asks.

“Frankie… Yes. She is really pregnant. Keep up,” Brandon says.

Fran feels her insides fall. She can’t keep up with this conversation. It’s all adultish, and Fran’s only eleven.

She nudges the cup back toward Mariana. Mariana takes a drink.

“Dude. She’s a kid,” Jesus speaks up. “You’re gonna be a dad. I bet you didn’t know shit about wedding venues when you were eleven…” 

“Fine. I’m sorry, Frankie.”

“Francesca,” Mari speaks up. “Not Frankie.”

Fran could hug both Jesus and Mari right now, but her arms aren’t long enough.

“Apologies, Francesca,” Brandon says in a funny way. She almost laughs but sees Jesus’s eyes glint with something angry. “Okay,” Brandon says, putting both hands up. “If we can all calm down, I’ll tell you guys something. Can you keep a secret?”

“Yeah,” Fran answers. Jude, Callie and Jesus all lean in. Mari’s sending her cup back Fran’s way.

“Mariana?” Brandon.

“What?” she asks.

“Can you keep a secret?” he repeats.

“Why just me?” she asks, annoyed.

Fran’s wondering the same thing. It feels bad being the only one singled out for some reason.

“Because you suck at keeping secrets…” Brandon says.

“Uh...I’m awesome at keeping secrets,” Mariana insists.

“Since when?” he challenges, kind of playing around, kind of not.

“Before I met you,” she says looking at Brandon like she could take him in a fight and win. 

Fran can tell all the energy just changed, like that. They’re not playing anymore, but Fran can’t tell what’s really going on. It’s like everybody’s talking in code.

“Brandon. Seriously? Are you gonna tell us or not?” Callie asks, impatient.

“Well...” he says. He keeps looking toward the stairs. They all know Moms already went to bed. “The truth is? Talya and I have known she’s expecting for a while...and I proposed to her not long after I knew… So…”

“So, this whole thing with the baby picture and the clothes...that was...what? A joke?” Mari asks.

“No, not a joke… I just… I mean, we.  _ We _ just wanted Moms to feel involved. Talya and I,” Brandon explains. “But listen...you cannot tell Moms, okay? They’ll be so hurt if they knew we’ve known about this and didn’t tell them, okay? Promise?”

“I’m not supposed to keep secrets,” Fran speaks up, serious. “Besides, it feels bad when somebody does something ‘specially for you because they think you’re a baby or something. You should tell Moms the truth.”

“No. And you’re not going to either. This isn’t the kind of secret that’s dangerous, okay?” Brandon reassures. “Please don’t ruin this, Francesca.”

“Fine,” Fran says. “Because you called me Francesca.” She dips a double-chocolate peppermint cookie into Mari’s coffee and takes a bite. It tastes amazing.

Mari does it, too.

“P.S. Why are you naming your baby Claw? That’s kind of mean…” Fran says.

Jude and Callie snicker. 

“His name is Talon. Like Talya and Brandon? We’d never name him Claw…”

“Talon literally means claw…” Jude says and Fran giggles.

“I gotta head out,” Jesus says. “Good night,” he says, dropping a kiss on Fran’s head.

“Night,” Fran says turning to hug Jesus, too. “Thank you for the cookies. They taste great in coffee, by the way.”

“They do,” Mari confirms.

“Love you guys,” Jesus says. “See you soon.”

“Soon like tomorrow? Because I’d kinda rather sleep over at your apartment. No offense,” Fran says looking at Callie, Brandon and Jude. “Ximena and Talya are sleeping over in our room.”

“I’m sleeping in the break room,” Mariana decides.

“Ooh, me, too!” Fran insists.

“Bye,” Jesus calls, embracing Brandon, and Jude briefly. 

He hugs Callie a little longer. “Thanks for the backup,” he tells her.

“My pleasure, dear,” she tells him, Mrs. Longbottom again (always) when Jesus needs her to be.

Then, with Dudley at his side, Jesus heads for home.


	4. Dreams

Stef and Lena are in bed, but that doesn’t mean they sleep. The kids are all home. All awake. All talking together, and not fighting. It’s remarkable.

For a while, they hover by the bedroom door, trying to catch snatches of what’s being said, but all that really carries is the laughter.

“I cannot believe we’re going to be grandparents,” Lena whispers, startling Stef. She’s not by the door anymore.

“What? Oh. Me, neither,” Stef whispers back.

“What are you doing? Come to bed,” Lena urges.

“I will, but they’re all talking. Together,” Stef objects. “This never happens…”

“And it will never happen again if they think we’re listening in,” Lena reminds gently. “Remember the whole mess with the intercom? Fran still reminds us,  _ ‘Remember when you used to spy on us?’" _

Stef groans, getting into bed. “Fine. You’re no fun…”

“How do you think tonight went?” Lena asked.

“It was good to connect with Jesus,” Stef allows. “But I know I dropped the ball at least once. I called Fran and Mari ‘girls,’ and Mari said they weren’t. I said could we nix the language-policing for an hour…’ But...I’m pretty sure I felt Frank’s ghost in me as I said it. Sounded like something he’d say.”

“So, we apologize for that tomorrow,” Lena allows. “I made Fran not believing in Santa about you and me…”

“Well, the way she just announced it  _ was _ hurtful,” Stef says, taking Lena’s hand.

“But she’s almost twelve. And she has five older siblings. I think I was seven when I stopped,” Lena says. “Seeing Mari kind of...explain things to Fran? Urge her to see things from our perspective? It felt like she was trying to make sure Fran responded ‘right’ so that things were calm, or something? Didn’t feel right…”

“And Jesus reminded us...we didn’t really check in with Mari or Fran aside from asking how they were this morning at breakfast. We both know ‘fine’ isn’t gonna cut it,” Stef sighs.

“Not looking forward to emailing this to Rosa…” Lena admits.

“But a grandson?” Stef gushes, leaning in to kiss Lena. “I can’t wait. It feels like I’m dreaming…”

“Can’t wait to spoil him,” Lena agrees.

And they fall asleep to the kids’ laughter downstairs.

\--

Dominique’s safe in her apartment with Roberta, still fully costumed as Shuri, when Pearl’s responses to Dom’s text start coming in:

**_Pearl:_ **

_ Sooo familiar with being forced to hang out w/ family I have nothing in common with [awkward emoji] Sorry you had to experience that. But OMG what??? You guys are coming back up here? In April? I cannot wait. April 2nd is Fran’s birthday, right? I need to make sure I have Ghirardelli brownies on hand! Thanks for making my night. Hope Christmas was alright for you. Let me know. I got some heavy news about my past. Not ready to share yet. PS love that Shuri went to Christmas! _

Dominique opens her Marco Polo app and selects the group with only her and Pearl and sends a message:

“So, I’m not glad you get the awkwardness of getting together with family you’re not close to...but I do at the same time… Robbie, could you chill, please? I’m talking to Pearl. Yeah, I know that’s exactly why you need my attention right this second. Sorry, my cat’s a child. Or a...kitten...I guess. But yeah, find the brownie recipe for Fran. Christmas was alright here. I got some really cool stuff from Liz...my aunt. She heard I cosplay, and I guess she ran with that which is more than I can say for Grandma Williams or Leo…” She shudders. “Sorry you got some tough news. I’m here whenever you do wanna share. Thanks for getting back to me.”

Dom finally clicks out of the app. She thinks about Poloing the Adams Fosters, but it’s so late and now that Fran’s allowed her phone at all hours, sometimes she hears the notification and makes videos in the dark.

She craves the security of being Shuri right now. Dominique couldn’t change even if she wanted to. Her mind races. Just now catching up with the specific feeling of Leo going in to hug her without asking…

Because Leo - and all of Dad’s family he grew up with - is white. So, white dude. Assuming affection. Feeling entitled because they’re family...or something.

God, she misses Mariana. Pearl. Even Levi would get this. But it’s so late, and everybody’s sleeping. The only person she might really be able to talk to right now isn’t the safest choice, even though she knows Jeus would not hesitate to meet her in the lobby if she asked.

When in doubt….

“Mommy?” she asks, getting her on the phone.

“Hey…” Mom greets warmly, like they didn’t just see each other. “What’s up, babe? You need me?”

“Leo…” Dominique ventures.

“Yeah, I know…” Mom confirms grimly. “You did just right, okay? Dad thinks so, too.” 

“He’s not mad at me?” Dominique checks.

“Not in the least. We’re both here for you. Alright?” Mom says.

She’s not alright. She’s shaking. Tears are running. Doesn’t even catch when exactly Mom switches over to video calling. Or remember accepting one.

Just knows that suddenly Mom’s there: “Dominique, it’s Mom. Slow breath, babe. Look at me.”

Dominique doesn’t wanna look at anybody, but Mom keeps asking. Keeps trying. Until Dominique can. Until she starts being able to breathe again.

She’s nowhere near calm yet, and Mom knows it. Still, it’s the last thing Dom expects when Mom picks up the first Harry Potter book from her own nightstand and starts to read it aloud.

“You don’t like Harry Potter,” Dominique points out, drawing a steadier breath.

“No, but my family does,” Mom says. “So, I figure it’s about time I learned some about him.”

Mom gets comfortable in bed and starts to read, and Dom snuggles with Roberta.

She falls asleep listening to the rise and fall of Mom’s voice.

\--

Mariana lends her new headphones to Fran because it looks like she’s never going to bed, and Mari needs to crash. But first, she texts Levi:

**_Mariana:_ **

_ Sorry. Can’t put sentences together rn. Tomorrow? _

\--

Levi sighs but texts Mari back, understanding. He gets that Christmas is a lot for Mari. He just wishes his mom hadn’t figured out what she had tonight of all nights. He needs to talk this through with Mari. But it will have to wait. And it’s not her fault.

**_Levi:_ **

_ Can’t wait. Also, I’m okay. Mom and Pearl are with me. Please don’t worry. I like you. _

“Levi? Are you alright?” Mom asks. She and Pearl literally are right here. Levi wonders if Mom is ever leaving. She keeps drinking hot chocolate and checking in with him. She hasn’t asked for details about how he was hurt, thank God.

“I...kinda hoped you’d never find out…” he admits. 

“You wouldn’t have been in trouble, baby…” she reassures.

“No, I know that. Just…” he trails off. He can’t very well tell her he’s afraid she’ll look at him differently if she knows what happened. All of what happened. “Are you okay?” he asks looking at Mom and Pearl in turn.

Mom looks upset and Pearl seems...distant. It makes him remember something she said about clocks and dissociating. 

“Pearl?” he tries. “Are you okay?”

“No, don’t do that…” she cautions, blinking. “I am a pro at rerouting concern, and you don’t have to do that here. I’m thinking, but I’m okay. Talk to us. Anything you need? Or need to know?”

“Dad, he...said he’d be back in five minutes but he… I mean, he wasn’t…” Levi manages. “I’m not trying to disparage him…” he apologizes to Mom.

“Oh, good Lord...did he never explain to you?” Mom asks. “Alright,” she says. 

Panther has somehow managed to get comfortable with her head on Levi’s chest. The weight of her is perfect. She just stays there, too, perfectly comfortable, falling asleep.

“Alright?” he asks softly, petting Panther. “Alright, what?”

“Honey… You know Dad had to come see about me and your grandma, right?”

“I mean, yeah…” Levi nods. “But it took way longer than five minutes…” 

“That’s because your dad had an attack when he saw me at the hospital. Then he got admitted, and they kept him until they were sure he was stable. I’m so sorry, baby, I thought he’d told you…” Mom sounds so regretful.

“I kinda thought...maybe it was punishment?” Levi admits, quiet.

“Punishment?” Mom asks, bewildered. “For what?”

“Well, I...sorta got in trouble while I was there...and I thought maybe she told Dad and Dad left me there with her...until I learned something?”

“Baby, I think you took in some of her nonsense when you were in that house. Not your fault. But she lies like a rug,” Mom looks sidelong at Pearl, seeming to remember she’s right here, too, listening. “I’m sorry, honey. I know she’s your mother…” 

“No, it’s true,” Pearl nods. “And it’s refreshing...knowing you know it. And that you’re not someone she’s fooled.”

“He didn’t leave you on purpose, Levi,” Mom says, and then sends some kind of meaningful look to Pearl. Levi wonders what they discussed while he was texting Mari and Dom.

“Did you know? The Avoiders are coming out here again?” Levi asks, a weary smile spreading.

“Dominique is thorough with her texts,” Pearl nods. “I’m so happy they’re coming again.”

“Y’all’s friends? Don’t suppose they’d wanna meet your old mom now, would they?” Mom asks, chiding them a little.

“On the contrary,” Pearl says. “I think they’d love to.”

\--

Mariana literally can’t respond to Levi right now, but she collapses into the nest of blankets on the floor. She’s on her way to sleep when she hears Fran banging around.

“Franny, please…” Mari begs.

“Sorry,” Fran stage-whispers. “I just need to pee.”

Mariana’s dropped off when she hears Fran come back. Feels a blanket being pulled over her. And a soft voice saying, “Just lift your head for one second…”

All the gears in Mari’s brain grind sluggishly as she tries to comply. Fran wedges Mari’s own pillow under her head, and then curls up next to her. 

“There you go. Nice and cozy,” Fran says, patting Mariana gently.

Mari puts an arm around Fran, can feel her little heart beating hard - caffeine was a bad call - oops - but she’s asleep before she can think of anything else.

\--

Fran lies awake staring at the pretty patterns their light machine is making on the ceiling of the break room. It’s like being inside a bubble. Not like a bubble-gum bubble, but a real one you blow with a wand.

What would it feel like to be inside a bubble?

Could you breathe?

Maybe each bubble could have its down magical air supply so if people wanted to live inside one, they could.

She has all this time to think and nobody to talk to. Her thoughts circle around in her brain - a lonely dog chasing its tail. Finally they find their way back to Brandon and Talya. Christmas. And their big announcement.

A baby.

That would make Fran an aunt...which was cool. But Fran can’t figure out why she actually feels trauma about it, too. Her hands got cold and she got super still, feeling like something huge was rising inside her, filling her up.

Moms want this baby. Stef said she loved him already. But when it was Francesca, Mom hadn’t wanted her. Fran can’t help thinking it was because of CP, even though Moms say that’s not true, because they didn’t know about Fran’s CP til later. 

Baby Claw will have a mom and a dad. And two grandmas who love him and actually want him around.

Nobody wanted her around, except Jesus and Mari. No parents.

It’s lonely when no parents want you.

She wants to text Olivia. Ask to talk to Oliver, but it’s so late / early. But the new rules say she should get to talk to whoever she needs whenever she needs to.

Fran goes back through her texts where she took a picture of all the phone numbers on the papers Moms got at the end of family week. Finds Oliver Enfield. Puts his number in and sends a new text:

_ Hi. IDK if you remember me. It’s Fran from family week. Olivia your sister was my person. I talked to you about being adopted.  _

**_Oliver:_ **

_ What’s up? I remember you, Fran. _

**_Francesca:_ **

_ My big brother is getting married and having a baby at the same time practically. My moms say they love the baby already and are excited. But I know Stef did not want me. Just Lena did. [sad emoji] _

**_Oliver:_ **

_ Yeah, births suck for adoption feelings. Sorry. I know. _

**_Francesca:_ **

_ Will they love the new baby more than me? _

**_Oliver:_ **

_ I wondered the same thing...when mine were expecting Olivia… _

**_Francesca:_ **

_ They did, I bet. But I would love you guys both the same. Because I know how it feels to be loved not-enough. _

**_Oliver:_ **

_ Talk to me whenever. All your feelings make total sense. Your not bad or weird. OK? _

**_Francesca:_ **

_ My sister Mari let me have her coffee tonight and I don’t think I can sleep ever. _

**_Oliver:_ **

_ [laughing / crying emoji] _

**_Francesca:_ **

_ OMG sorry I forgot it’s a holiday and I should not text. Bye and I’m sorry. _

**_Oliver:_ **

_ Dec 26th is not a holiday. Your safe. _

**_Francesca:_ **

_ Thank you. I hope you had a good winter holiday. [rainbow emoji] _

**_Oliver:_ **

_ You too. Get some rest. Maybe no more coffee? [winking emoji] _

Fran backs out of her texts when she hears Mari next to her, making noise like she’s scared. Reaching back, feeling for covers, Fran tries to pull them over both, but it’s hard.

Mari’s cold.

“It’s okay,” Fran whispers, finally snagging the blankets and pulling them around Mari again. “I’m right here. We’re safe in the break room. It’s Francesca…”

Mariana’s restless moving all the blankets. So, Fran does what Mari does for her: “Oh, the weather outside is frightful…” she sings. “But the fire inside’s delightful. And since we’ve no place to go...let it snow, let it snow, let it snow…”

“What are you doing?” Mariana asks, confused.

“You were having a bad dream…” Fran explains. “So, I was just singing it away…”

“Go to sleep,” Mari urges. “Love you.”

“Love you back,” Fran says, settling down finally.


	5. Check-Ins

The day after Christmas, Jesus sleeps so late that Dudley wakes him up, needing to go outside. Jesus groans and rolls over. His dreams had been weird. He can’t totally remember them. (Bars like a jail. Babies screaming. Everything fuzzy.)

The fact that Jesus does not wanna clean up dog pee (or worse) inside is enough motivation to get moving. He grabs shades and a hat. Rides the elevator down. Dudley does his thing. They come back inside.

Jesus shivers, thinking belatedly, he should have worn a hoodie.

He really needs to see The Avoiders today, and he gets the feeling they’re the same. He checks his phone.

No one’s up. Jesus feels lonely as hell.

He glances at the little drawstring bags that hold Mrs. Smith’s gift to him. She insisted both were for him.

Carefully, he shakes one out. It’s a box. One of those Hallmark Keepsake ornaments…holy shit...from 2008. Jesus focuses and reads the verse on the box, about the ornament. Gently, he opens the box. He finds an ornament, Tigger, who apparently wrapped himself in green ribbon, with a tag: _To Pooh from Tigger._

It comes with a note in Mrs. Smith’s handwriting:

_Dear Jesus,_

_In my classes, I give my students small holiday gifts. I had this picked out for you, but wasn’t able to give it to you. (Believe that I tried, Jesus.) Merry Christmas! Love, Mrs. Smith._

He shakes the gift out of the second tiny bag. Finds an honest-to-God chocolate chip cookie ornament, inscribed with the year: 2021.

_To commemorate our first cookies together in July. Here’s to many more. You don’t need to just dream about having cookies at my house anymore, you’re welcome anytime. I’m always well-stocked. Love, Mrs. Smith._

Jesus blinks back tears. He doesn’t have a tree, but he sets up Tigger and the cookie on his living room windowsill.

\--

To: RosaMartinezNAU@gmail.com

From: lenaadamsfoster75@gmail.com

_Rosa,_

_It’s Lena and Stef Adams Foster._

_We wanted to update you on Christmas before we lost our nerve._

_We feel like we have made a lot of mistakes, particularly with Mariana._

_I (Stef) called Mari and Fran “girls” and Mari corrected me. I asked if she could nix the language-policing for an hour, so we could have an enjoyable Christmas. I realize now this was wrong and I should apologize to her for it, and for calling her one of the “girls.”_

_(Lena again) Mari also came along with Fran and was making sure Fran curtailed her reaction so it fit my feelings? (I mentioned I was hurt that Fran said she did not believe in Santa…) I don’t want Mari to think she has to run interference in order to protect Fran from my reaction, though I do understand - given my history - why she would. I plan to apologize for that, as well, and continuing to demonstrate my safety for both._

_We also want to be accountable to you in this: We did not check in with Mariana last night. (Or Fran.) We asked how they were in the morning, over breakfast. Both said, “Fine” but it was not a real check in as they did not have safe backup._

_We plan to check in with both today. Please advise if there is anything we are missing._

_Thanks again,_

_Lena and Stef Adams Foster_

\--

To: lenaadamsfoster75@gmail.com

From: RosaMartinezNAU@gmail.com

_Dear Lena and Stef,_

_I’m concerned about the missed check-in last night. In the future, have a game plan for holidays / birthdays etc. Your kids should not have to miss out on emotional support because of factors outside their control._

_Definitely apologize for those moments. Good awareness there. Also be sure to keep asking questions to give Mari ample chances to share with you. Don’t assume you know everything she might share._

_Wishing you and yours a great new year,_

_Rosa Martinez_

\--

It takes Mariana hours to really feel awake. By the time she’s had coffee and gets picked up with Fran to go to Jesus’s, it’s after 1 PM.

She puts on her Christmas gift from The Avoiders - God, she loves these headphones - and texts Levi.

**_Mariana:_ **

_What does she know? Are you okay?_

**_Levi:_ **

_She figured out I was with Pearl’s mom. That she hurt me. (Not how, though…) Not really okay. Feels weird that she knows?_

**_Mariana:_ **

_So sorry I wasn’t there for you. Need to talk anymore._

**_Levi:_ **

_I had support. You’re here now. (And coming in April??? I can’t wait!)_

**_Mariana:_ **

_Seriously can’t wait. Get me out of here._

**_Levi:_ **

_Bad?_

**_Mariana:_ **

_Not like before, but not good, either. B’s getting married...on my rape traumaversary. (He obviously has zero clue, but…)_

**_Levi:_ **

_I don’t even know what to say. I’m so sorry._

**_Mariana:_ **

_Not really anything to say? Thanks though. You need anything else?_

**_Levi:_ **

_Mom said Dad didn’t leave me there on purpose. She told me what did happen...and I...I hear it. But I feel like I can’t take it in yet._

**_Mariana:_ **

_Yeah. Love the headphones, BTW. Thank you. I am never taking them off._

**_Levi:_ **

_That candle you sent is my favorite thing...well...aside from...Pearl and I got letters from Dad. Long story. But other than that? Damn, It’s Early candle is definitely my favorite. It has Dad vibes. The good kind._

**_Mariana:_ **

_I want you to have all the good Dad vibes._

**_Levi:_ **

_Anything I can do about B getting married?_

**_Mariana:_ **

_No. He’s also pregnant...well, SHE is. So...it’s a whole thing._

**_Levi:_ **

_So, you’re about to be an auntie? I have the best aunt, Lonnie? I think you’ll be the best aunt, too._

**_Mariana:_ **

_Not even there yet. Just can’t get over Moms losing their shit over a baby...a bio baby. Grandchild who looks like Stef at least. I hate seeing women pregnant. Complicated. I think of Ana._

**_Levi:_ **

_Sounds complicated yeah. But I can totally come. Be your wedding date?_

**_Mariana:_ **

_You know I’d love that but I prob have to be IN the thing…_

**_Levi:_ **

_Not much time for hanging then? [sad emoji]_

**_Mariana:_ **

_Well, we have April...._

**_Levi:_ **

_We always have April. [heart eyes emoji]_

\--

Dom’s just trying to find places for all her new costuming stuff when there’s a knock on her door. She expects it to be Lena, her support person from the apartment here, but instead a small voice says:

“It’s Fran! Can I come in?”

“Sure,” Dominique says getting up and opening the door. 

She’s surprised to see Fran dragging a giant red bag behind her.

“What’s up?” Dominique asks with a slow smile.

Fran sits down, huffing and puffing and overturns the bag in the middle of Dominique’s living room.

“Here. I wanted to show you everything I got for Christmas. This turtle stuffed animal is from Giselle! She is…” Fran pauses meaningfully.

“Your new bestie, who has CP just like you. Babe, I know that one,” Dom grins. “I didn’t know you like turtles…”

“I didn’t know either,” Fran says. “This is my envelope of plane tickets from Moms. Oops, sorry,” Fran says ducking her head. 

“Why are you sorry?” Dom asks.

“Because I don’t wanna hurt your feelings,” Fran says seriously. “We all got plane tickets…”

“So...this…” Dom says, stepping into her room and back out again. “...Is my envelope from my parents,” she grins. “Plane tickets. To Minnesota, in April.”

“What? You’re going, too?! We’re all going together?” Fran gapes. “That’s the best news ever in life!”

“I know, right?” Dom says. She sits patiently while Fran goes through the cookies she got from Jesus, the Gryffindor headband from Mari. Gryffindor bracelet set from Pearl. Gryffindor tee shirt from Dominique. And a black tee shirt from Levi with an Albus Dumbledore quote on the front: _Happiness can be found even in the darkest of times if one only remembers to turn on the light._

“I’m so glad you showed me how to take the official Hogwarts house test. Look at all these Gryffindor gifts! It’s like everybody knows I’m brave. But it’s kind of a lot of Harry Potter stuff…” Fran observes.

“Not a bad problem to have, if you like Harry Potter…” Dominique allows.

“And I do. I thought of wearing all this stuff today but I couldn’t decide what shirt to wear, and I didn’t want to hurt you or Levi by choosing the other shirt.” Fran adds.

“Babe, you don’t have to worry about that. We’re grown ups. We can cope with our own feelings.”

“Moms can’t,” Fran comments darkly. “Lena was like, making a big deal that I don’t believe in Santa...even though Stef told me none of that stuff is even real back when I was in third grade.”

“None of what stuff?” Dominique asks.

“Like...Santa, Tooth Fairy, Easter bunny…” Fran shrugs. “But I still have to play along. It’s stupid.”

“Why would she do that?” Dominique asks, mortified.

“She was mad at me about something. I can’t remember,” Fran says, crawling inside the Santa bag. “Can you pretend you’re Santa and carry me around?” Fran asks, her voice muffled.

“Ho, ho, ho!” Dominique says, hefting Fran in the bag into her arms. “This is my most important gift,” she intones in character. “Who should I give it to? Somebody who’d take the best care, I think… Hmmm…”

“Put me under your tree,” Fran directs, still in the bag.

“I know just the place,” Dominique says still Santa. She drops a folded blanket on the floor first and then sets Fran gently on it.

“Now, be you again and open me. Because you take the best care of me. Act surprised, okay?” Fran pops her head out of the bag and adds. “I mean, if you want,” before she goes back inside.

Dominique walks away and into her room. Then out to the living room again. “Oh my gosh! Looks like I missed a present… What could it be? Hmm.. I’m so excited to see what’s inside...this bag….”

“Surprise!” Fran says, grinning. 

“Oh, my goodness! Francesca! You’re just exactly what I wanted under my tree today. How did Santa guess?”

Dominique’s surprised when Fran crawls into her lap. “Moms found out about the baby Brandon’s having….and they were excited like that...I talked to Oliver about it...from the workshop. I just wanted somebody to be that excited for me...and I don’t think they really were.”

“Fran, trust me… If Santa put a kid like you under my tree, it’d be the best day of my life.” Dom kisses her soundly on the head. “A baby...sounds like that’s bringing up a lot of feelings.”

“I already talked to Oliver. He gets it,” Fran reassures her.

“Good, I’m glad you have somebody to talk to about that. I love you, you know that?”

“I think Gryffindors are braver than me,” Fran muses.

“I don’t know...I think you’re the perfect amount brave to be a Gryffindor. And I’m a Ravenclaw. I ought to know,” Dominique smiles gently.

“That’s true,” Fran settles against her.

\--

“Jesus, God, it feels like it’s been a thousand years since we’ve spoken…” Pearl says, grateful to be his face via video chat.

“I know. Fran’s over with Dom and Mari’s in my room texting Levi. So we’ve got some privacy.”

“How was Christmas?” Pearl asks. “I know, historically, it’s not a great day for you.”

“Yeah, it wasn’t… And Isaac trauma was the least of it. I don’t know if you’re ready for my massive trigger download…”

“Sure. Lay it on me,” Pearl says.

“So, I get left out of the plane ticket gift. And then Moms do Porch Time 2.0 with me because they didn’t want me to feel pressured or something? Meanwhile, they have no problem with me being surrounded by wrapping paper and ten thousand boxes?”

“Yikes,” Pearl winces. “Yeah, that doesn’t sound very sensitive of them.”

“It’s like….they’re _trying_ to care? And I can tell they’re trying. And that does mean something? But then...with Brandon, Callie and Jude? They don’t _have_ to try.”

“Right,” Pearl nods, grim.

“And Brandon’s expecting. And Moms are losing their shit over it,” Jesus shares.

“Ah. Not happy? He’s not ready?” she guesses.

“No, they _are_ happy. Like, I don’t think they’re all about being grandmas or whatever, but the idea of a baby has them like...so thrilled...and it makes me feel… I don’t know. I’m dreaming weird crap about babies. Thinking about Ana keeping Isabella and raising her. Thinking about not even getting to be around for when Lena was expecting Fran…”

“Oh, wow…” Pearl breathes. “That does sound like a lot.

“Yeah, and then, after Moms went to bed, Brandon told all the sibs that the whole engagement / pregnancy announcement had been fake. Like they knew for a while, but didn’t want Moms to feel left out?” Jesus asks.

“Yeah, I get that,” Pearl nods.

“I do, too, it’s just...he kinda made a big deal about Fran keeping quiet about it. He’s like telling her not to ruin this and whatever. Telling her ‘ _You’re not going to say anything to them either._ ’ I think it nudged my trauma…” he admits.

“Makes sense. You were warned silent quite a bit. You know how that feels,” Pearl offers.

“You look weird. I mean...not weird, but...something. Are you okay?”

“Yeah, well, Nia told me last night that Dad told her that he was trying to leave with me but Mom...she held a knife to my throat when he tried. I was asleep. So I don’t remember it, but I have this little mark on my neck? Maybe it’s nothing. But my gut says it isn’t. You know?” Pearl manages.

“Pearl...I’m sorry,” Jesus manages. “How do you even process info like that?”

“I have no idea…” she laughs and it sounds hollow.

“You obviously believe Nia, though?” he checks.

“I do. I believe her. I believe Dad… I just don’t know how I’ll ever face Carla again...and I’ll have to, I think. Moving out of her cabin…”

“Let me know if you need reinforcements. We’re coming in the spring again,” Jesus says.

“I heard,” Pearl smiles a little. “It’s the only thing getting me through.”

“Well, we gotta fix that,” Jesus says gently. “Give you more to get you through than a visit three months out. What can I do? Did you eat the cookies? Cookies help.”

“Not yet.”

“Perfect. Get those and some hot chocolate and sit on the couch,” Jesus directs.

“Jesus Foster, advising me to eat junk food since 2015…” Pearl says wryly.

“You know it. You okay? Can you talk to Nia about this if you need? I don’t want you to be alone with it, and I assume Levi wasn’t in on this conversation?”

“No, he wasn’t. But I can talk to Nia. I’ll be okay.”

“Merry Christmas, Pearl.”

“Merry Christmas, Jesus.” she returns, ending the call.


	6. Warnings

_ItsHeyZeus: JSYK Moms are sucking at checking in w/ me._

_PabloPerez: I believe you. Can you tell me more?_

_ItsHeyZeus: It’s like...they think they are? They sat down on the porch and talked to just me last night. (A thing they used to do often.) But it was just awkward. Plus Christmas had TONS of my triggers at it and they were just...like...fine._

_PabloPerez: They’re aware of these triggers? Or they’re not?_

_ItsHeyZeus: Used to factor them in when I was younger. Since I turned 18, it’s like...they think they’re not a thing anymore or something. (Wrapping paper / boxes / mess / clutter) They did not wrap my stuff but everybody elses was - and its a big family._

_It’sHeyZeus: Plus other stuff happened. My bro announced he’s expecting a kid. Moms are so happy. I am so not. Bro is making sure we don’t tell Moms the announcements were kinda fake - done just so Moms don’t feel left out. Bro is like making sure we’re quiet about it. I was warned silent so often...it’s messing w my head. And in order to keep my word to my bro I can’t tell Moms??? I feel hella anxiety even being on my phone sending this. I would’ve gotten my ass kicked Before._

_PabloPerez: I will reach out to them. Do I have your consent to share any of this or do you want me to just talk generally? Also, it’s not before. You’re not gonna get in trouble for talking to me. It’s the exact right thing._

_ItsHeyZeus: Okay. Tell them...they’re unaware of my triggers. That’s really what it comes down to._

_PabloPerez: I will._

_ItsHeyZeus: How are things for you?_

_PabloPerez: Holidays are hard, yeah. Thanks for checking in._

\--

Ollie walks through his kitchen and sees Olivia on the couch, on her phone. “Talking to your kid?”

“My what?” Olivia asks.

“Your kid. You know? From the thing? The one with parents like ours.”

“No. I will Monday,” Olivia says, distracted. She always has to scroll through social media.

“She’s got stuff going on now, though…” Ollie ventures. “So, you might wanna do it a day early…”

“Wait. How do you know?” Olivia asks. She’s paying attention now.

“‘Cause. I just know. So, you know, check on her. No reason. But, you know, reasons…” he says.

\--

“Hey, Fran? It’s Olivia. How are you?”

“Hi! I was just showing Dominique all my stuff from Christmas!” Fran says, happily. “Do you want me to tell you next? I got a lot of Harry Potter stuff…” she says in a mysterious voice.

“Oh, really? That sounds amazing. I just wanted to call and check on you. Ollie mentioned you might have some stuff going on?”

“He told you?” Fran asks, sounding betrayed.

“Just that you had stuff going on. Not what it was,” Olivia clarifies.

“...Yeah. But is it rude if I don’t wanna talk to you about it?” Fran hedges.

“Not at all. But do you have someone to talk to?” Olivia presses gently.

“Yeah. I already talked to Oliver,” Fran reassures. “Moms were really loud though, and they made me jump. I dropped all my cookies from my brother on the floor. They were my gift from him,” Fran comments, sad.

“Ugh, yeah, I hate when that happens,” Olivia says. “I’m sorry it did. When that happened, what did your moms do?”

“Nothing. They didn’t notice. My brother tried to make me feel better. He picked up the cookies for me, but Moms didn’t...like...notice anything.”

“Okay,” Olivia says. “Is this something you could bring up with them tonight when you talk to them?”

“Isn’t it on you to make sure to follow up with her parents?” Ollie offers in a hush. He’s still around, and the volume on her phone is obnoxious so he can hear both sides of the conversation even when he’s not trying to.

“ _If_ we talk to them…” Fran emphasizes. “Yesterday it was Christmas. But Oliver said today’s not a holiday, so maybe they will talk to us like usual..”

“They didn’t check in with you yesterday?” Olivia asks.

“It was too busy so they asked us in the morning, but it was really fast and we didn’t really talk..” Fran says. “What Hogwarts house are you?”

“I’m gonna talk to them for you,” Olivia promises, with a nod at Ollie. And I’m Hufflepuff,” she answers smiling. “Which are you?”

“Gryffindor. I got a bunch of Gryffindor stuff. My brother and my two friends from Minnesota are all Hufflepuffs, too. My sister and my best grown up friend are Ravenclaws.”

“Wow,” Olivia says. “I got a Hufflepuff backpack…” Olivia confides.

“I got some shirts, a headband, and some bracelets…” Fran lists. “Are you in school? Why did you get a backpack?”

“Ollie saw it, I guess, and thought of me. We can always use good ways to carry things, right?” Olivia asks.

“I guess,” Fran yawns. “I stayed up way too late last night. I’m gonna go. But can we still talk tomorrow, same as usual?”

“Of course,” Olivia says. “Talk to you then. If you need me before, give me a call, or text.”

“Okay.” Fran says. “Bye, Olivia.”

\--

**Pablo, Stef, Lena:**

**_Pablo:_ ** _How are things going with Jesus?_

**_Stef:_ ** _Hey, Pablo. Good! We had a really good talk with him last night._

**_Lena:_ ** _Yes, I feel like we’re doing well._

**_Pablo:_ ** _Yeah, he mentioned that might be your feeling. He talked to me. He’s got a lot going on. And said I could let you know you’re unaware of his triggers._

**_Lena:_ ** _We’re not._

**_Stef:_ ** _We have a list._

**_Pablo:_ ** _Maybe look at it again. Or go over it with Jesus? Ask him for his own list, if he’s comfortable making one? Then you can compare._

**_Stef:_ ** _Sounds good._

\--

Mariana sits down at the table that night with Moms, Jesus and Fran, feeling wary. Brandon’s warning bouncing around her brain. He’d called her out specifically. Like she was incapable of keeping her mouth shut.

Her secret-keeping ability is off the charts.

But it makes her feel young. Guarding some dark thing. Not being allowed to talk about this reminds her of her old counseling - back before Nadiya. When she’d have Stef sit in. It would be so much easier if B were here. Then he could know they weren’t ruining whatever.

“Hey guys,” Stef says, sitting down. “Mariana, before we get to anything else, I wanted to say I’m so sorry for telling you it was wrong to correct me last night. If you feel disrespected, I always want to know that. I am sorry for calling you ‘girls.’”

“Okay,” Mari says. She blinks, surprised.

“And we’re sorry we didn’t do a real check in last night,” Lena speaks up. “We’re going to come up with a solution, so that you guys don’t miss out on time with us when there are other things going on.”

Mari and Fran look at each other. Then at Jesus.

“Also...I shouldn’t have come down on you so hard about not believing in Santa, Fran,” Lena apologizes. “I can tell I scared you both with my reaction.”

Mariana looks away.

“So...I want you to know that my feelings about that are about me,” Lena says. “You can absolutely not believe in Santa.”

“You guys wanted me to…” Fran pouts glancing at the table. “Mom even told me, like, years ago, when she was mad at me. So it didn’t make sense.”

“What did I tell you?” Stef asks, curious.

“Like...none of it’s real,” Fran explains. “You were mad for some reason. And you told me. I was eight.”

Mariana can tell that this is news to Stef. She blinks, surprised. “I’m very sorry about that. I shouldn’t have said that.”

“Can they talk?” Jesus asks. 

“Yes, of course,” Lena says. “What do you guys wanna say?”

But the question’s way too general and there’s no way Mari can ask them to narrow it down. Just like it’s impossible to do anything other than nod or say okay to all their apologies. It’s like, they have them all locked and loaded. And what other choice do Mari and Fran have? It's like Moms had a speech all ready and the only thing they could do is listen.

“Mari?” Jesus asks. “How do you think Christmas went?”

“I don’t know,” she manages, the secret caught behind her teeth. “Kinda too much. Too spread out.”

“Spread out?” Stef asks.

“Like…time…” Mari says.

“Time like pause?” Jesus checks.

“No, actual time,” Mari says. She can talk easier when it’s just to Jesus.

“Christmas was too much...and time was spread out?” he asks.

“Well, it _was_ ,” Fran speaks up. “Christmas is usually right away in the morning and we had to wait all day, practically. It was too late to have Christmas, right, Mari?”

Mariana nods. “Fran shouldn’t have had to wait all day...for presents…”

Fran leans into her.

“Okay. This is a good point, actually,” Lena says, taking out her phone.

Mari makes a face.

“Because it’s whatever that I’d actually make a good point?” Mari manages, hurt.

“No. I just mean that I hadn’t thought of the timing being a factor, and I’m glad you brought it up.” Lena clarifies. Mari can hear her trying to be patient.

“We’re done. By the end of the day? Tired,” Mari forces the words out.

“Right. Rosa’s mentioned that, too,” Stef mentions. “So, no more Christmas nights.”

“Also, you guys told Jude not to make me jump anymore, but then you both did it…” Fran says.

“Oh, I’m sorry, honey,” Lena apologizes.

“When you were screaming and happy about…you know?” Fran trails off.

“Do you mean the new baby?” Lena asks. “Honey, we’re not going to love you less just because there’s a baby.”

Fran sits, looking miserable. 

Moms aren’t asking questions as much as using the time to download their own thoughts and apologies onto Mari and Fran. Jesus is miserable too, so none of them really feel like they can talk. They need a real outside person here. Rosa, or Levi…

But that thought makes Mari remember B’s awful Valentine’s wedding, and Levi’s offer to come be her wedding date. 

She can feel her heart breaking at the thought. Because she knows it can never happen. Levi has good intentions, but they just came out here. She knows they’re not made of money and it’s not right for her to expect him to just drop everything at a moment’s notice.

She’ll see him in April. That’s soon enough.

Mariana scoots her chair back. Fran does the same. So does Jesus. They leave the table together. 

They don’t ask.

They just do it.

It feels good.

And scary as hell.


	7. People

Jesus sighs and calls Stef himself as the time edges toward 10 PM. He’s given them the benefit of the doubt and trusted that they would check in, but now it just...seems like it’s not gonna happen unless he initiates it. Feels so familiar.

“So...do I just not get a check in?” he asks quietly once Stef picks up.

“We did Porch Time, my baby, remember?” she asks gently.

And Jesus feels like he could punch something. “Yeah.  _ Yesterday. _ And that wasn’t really a check in…” 

“Oh. Oh! Honey, Mama and I completely forgot. We are so sorry. Since Christmas, it’s all just felt like one long day here. We’re so excited about Brandon’s news and…”

Jesus stops listening. He’s irritable as hell. Pablo said he checked with them. Jesus has come to believe that Pablo means what he says. So what’s up with Moms totally spacing his check-in tonight?

“Jesus?” Stef asks.

“What?”

“Did you want to tell Mama and I an updated list of your triggers? Only if you’re comfortable… Pablo mentioned it was something you might need.”

“You’re doing it again…” Jesus sighs.

“What?” Lena asks, and it startles Jesus to know she’s here, too.

“You’re not even listening. You’re not even here for the conversation. What’s the point of even talking to us if you’re not gonna listen?” Jesus asks.

He seriously has so much going on, between all the regular Christmas triggers, plus processing B’s news himself, not to mention Moms’ reactions to it and them all being forced to keep it quiet. Add to that Pearl’s revelation about her mom holding a knife to her throat when she was little? Did Pearl realize Jesus had done the same to Jude? Had they spoken about it?

“Jesus?” Lena’s saying. “We _ are  _ listening, okay? We promise.

“You’re not, though. Forget it. I don’t even know why I called,” he hangs up and paces. Dudley’s here at his side.

He’d normally talk to Pearl right now, but he’s kinda pissed at her. Mariana and Fran are in the same boat he is, and Fran’s too young, besides. Levi’s got his own stuff going on, and he can’t keep leaning on Dom when he’s done such a crappy job of letting her lean on him.

His phone starts going off and he checks the screen. Pablo.

“How did it go?” he asks. (It’s exactly 10 PM. God, Jesus digs his promptness.)

“Epically bad…” Jesus admits.

“I’m sorry,” Pablo apologizes. “I’ll keep trying with them, okay?”

“You shouldn’t have to, Pablo. I shouldn’t have to be the one to call them and tell them what freaking day it is. You know? It’s starting to feel like me and my sisters and this time with us? It’s just a list of obligations Moms have to do. They’re like going down a list in their heads of all the things they gotta say. There’s no room for anything freaking real.”

“That sounds so frustrating,” Pablo offers.

“Hell yeah it is. Especially since I was just there at Mari and Fran’s time with them, and they did the same exact thing.” Jesus seethes.

“What if I come? Video chat? Tomorrow night? For your time with them?” Pablo offers. “Would that help?”

It would, but...I don’t want you to feel like you have to, dude…” Jesus hedges.

“I’m offering,” Pablo says softly.

“Then yeah. Okay. Thanks,” Jesus nods.

“I set an alarm,” Pablo reassures. “I won’t forget.”

\--

Olivia has been sitting in front of a blank email screen for a half hour. She has no idea how to craft this email. To make it say exactly what she needs it to say, so that Fran’s moms will hear how important this is.

“You’ve been staring at that for, like, ever,” Ollie says, walking through the living room again. “What are you even doing?”

“Trying to write the worst parents in the world, shh,” she hushes.

Undeterred, Ollie joins her on the couch. “Ooh. Ours?”

“No. Francesca’s. I have no idea what to even say to get them to listen to me.”

“I’ll write it,” Ollie volunteers, a slow smile spreading over his face. “ _ Dear Stef and Lena _ …. Nah, not ‘ _ dear, _ ’ that’s too nice. Okay. ‘ _ Stef and Lena. Here’s what I think _ \--”

“Can you give  _ me _ time to think here?” Olivia laughs, cutting him off. “I know all about how  _ your _ email to them would sound. I’m trying to write  _ my own _ .”

“Okay, okay…” Ollie sighs.

Olivia’s texts chime. “Seriously?” she asks.

Ollie’s do, too. He makes a face. “It’s not Mom and Dad, is it?”

“No,” Olivia shakes her head.

“Aw, it’s Francesca,” Ollie reads the text aloud:

**_Francesca:_ **

_ Hi. Mari said we need another person for Sunday nights when we talk to Moms because they are bad at listening to us. Do you want to be it? _

“She sent me the same, but I already have a night. And I have a lot going on. Do you think you could do Sundays?” Olivia asks. “I mean, would you want to?”

“I don’t know. Wouldn’t it be kinda weird? I don’t even know Mariana. All I know is the crap her moms think about her.”

Olivia waits as Ollie wavers.

“But...I mean...Mariana’s my people. And we can’t ignore our people. There’s so few of us. She was the only one like me and Rosa at the thing,” Ollie winces. “Fine,” he says, blowing out a breath. “What do you do? When you’re their other person?”

“Don’t stand for any ableism. Call it out. Speak up for Mari and Fran and say something when their moms are being terrible.”

“Cool. So what I usually do then…” Ollie nods. He sends a text reading out loud slowly as he types.

**_Oliver:_ **

_ I’ll be it. _

But Olivia’s email is still not forthcoming.

“I can’t do this, Ollie. What if I totally alienate them, and they don’t even let me talk to Fran anymore?”

“What do you wanna say?” he asks, scooting closer to her on the couch.

“Be aware of what they’re doing, basically, and apologize when it’s warranted.”

“Cool. So write that,” Ollie nods.

“Okay, but go away, because it’s confidential,” Olivia insists. “And also thank you.”

“You know I always got your back,” he says, getting up and walking to his room.

\--

Pearl’s felt strange, ever since she heard the truth about what Carla did years ago. It’s not going to do any good to confront her. Pearl’s already tried, with actual memories that she possesses, and Carla just says she doesn’t remember, or denies a thing happened at all.

Her video chat rings and Pearl answers: “Hey.” she says, seeing Levi on screen.

“Hey,” he answers. “So, do you still hate me? For not telling you about Dad sooner?” 

Pearl sighs. “Levi. I don’t hate you. It is going to impact my trust in you, maybe for a while, but it’s not going to impact my love, okay? I love you. We’re okay.”

“Then why won’t you tell me what’s going on?” Levi asks. “I know something is? I don’t wanna think about you maybe keeping a secret from me because I kept Dad from you… Is… Is that what’s happening? You and Mom were talking a long time. And I wasn’t a part of it.”

“I don’t mean this how I know it’ll sound, but...that’s because it doesn’t involve you, Levi. It’s something that’s my business.” Pearl insists.

“How does Mom know your business?” Levi asks.

“I remember you telling me in California not to badger you...I’d appreciate the same consideration…” she says gently.

Levi falls silent.

“How do you suppose Nia might have gotten information about me?” Pearl asks, not looking at Levi.

“Wait… Dad? Dad told Mom something about you?” Levi surmises.

“That’s the idea, yes,” Pearl nods. “But it’s nothing good, and it’s nothing you need to worry about.”

“But it’s worrying  _ you _ ,” Levi points out.

“It is...but I’ll be okay. I’m not keeping this from you out of spite. It’s...it involves my mother...and it’s why Dad...why he left… I just...can’t talk about it…”

“I already know that. He had an asthma attack,” Levi points out.

“No. Not why he left you. Why he left me...when I was little…” Pearl admits.

“Sorry,” Levi apologizes.

“You’ve nothing to apologize for. It’s just...it’s intense...and I don’t know how you’ll cope with this on top of your own trauma involving my mother…” Pearl ventures.

“...But isn’t that up to me?” Levi asks. “I’m an adult now. I get that our protection of each other extends beyond childhood...but come on. Let me choose this. Don’t hold back because you think I’m fragile. If anybody knows the kinds of things your mom is capable of, it’s me.”

“You’re right,” Pearl sighs. “I just...I need time… Can we discuss something else?”

“I’d like to go back to California for Brandon’s wedding….” Levi says, surprising her.

“Did we get an invitation? Levi, we just checked the mail. Only Dad’s letters were in there…”

“No. There wasn’t one,” Levi admits.

“Then, isn’t that a bit presumptuous?” Pearl questions.

“I’m not going for him. I’m going for Mari,” Levi says. "As her plus one."

“Seems like you have your mind made up,” Pearl observes, trying to put aside her own hurt feelings at being left out of his decision. “Do you have money?”

“Yeah,” Levi nods. “Would you...I mean, would you be okay here? If I went?”

“Levi, I lived alone for years, remember. I’ll be fine. When is it?” Pearl asks.

“Valentine’s,” Levi says.

“Okay, that is the sweetest thing ever,” Pearl gushes. But something nudges her memory. About Mariana. She knows it’s significant, but not why. “Also how are you? With your mom knowing? And knowing why your dad was late?” she asks carefully.

“It’s weird...that she knows. That she was so quick to figure it out… I kinda don’t wanna think too much about it. It makes me feel like I… I don’t know? Failed somehow. I was so focused on trying to tell Dad, I never thought about telling Mom..and she knew so fast… Maybe, if I’d told Mom…” Levi trails off, shrugging.

“I was there, Levi. Your mom asked you a very specific question. One that made it possible for you to just confirm or deny. But that’s very different than initiating a conversation. Saying the words. I could barely say them at 16. No one would expect you to at half that age…”

Levi shrugs again. “I don’t know. I don’t know what it would change if they knew earlier, really. And I can’t even think about the other...about Dad seeing Mom in the hospital and having an asthma attack? I wish he’d told me…”

Pearl’s quiet.

“Will you watch  _ Avatar _ with me?” Levi asks. 

“Isn’t that like, three hours long?” Pearl wonders.

“Best three hours of our lives,” Levi says, a smile breaking through his weariness.

“Well, I can’t turn that down, can I? ...Especially after you and Mom watched  _ An American Tail _ with me.”

“You called her Mom. Not Nia,” Levi realizes.

“She said I could,” Pearl explains. “Sorry, is… Is that not...?”

“No, it’s fine. I’m glad. As long as it’s fine with you,” Levi says. “I’m coming upstairs. Can we have popcorn? And root beer floats?”

“I think that is the start of a perfect Christmas tradition,” Pearl nods, smiling.

“I’ll even teach you Na’vi,” Levi exclaims. He’s not on screen anymore, but rushing up the stairs.

Pearl throws her head back and laughs. “Oh, God. This is the best day.”


	8. Celebrations

Mariana and Fran lounge on Mari’s bed together, watching Mari’s laptop. It’s Monday. They’re finally doing Avoider Christmas, which is basically where all of them, wherever they are, watch the same show and eat snacks at the same time.

They’ll actually check in soon. At least Mariana hopes so. 

It’s bad enough that it’s the Monday after a holiday, so she doesn’t have therapy with Nadiya.

Over the last couple of months, Mariana has really come to trust her. They worked out in one session what it’s taken Moms a year and a half and a whole five day session on disabilities to figure out. Nadiya accepts whatever communication Mari can give, and validates it. It’s her job to ask questions, so it’s pretty much the best case scenario ever.

Not seeing Nadiya now, with all this crap about Brandon’s Valentine’s wedding coming up feels like her anxiety and depression and insomnia - basically every symptom - has turned up to eleven.

It’s a good thing The Avoiders are doing a lowkey Christmas. It’s all she can do to sit here with Fran and watch Netflix.

Beside her, Fran bumps her shoulder a little, crunching on taco chips and Lena’s homemade salsa. Mariana’s not a fan. One encounter with moldy salsa in her early childhood and she has no desire to eat it ever again. Fran giggles:

“That lady’s making her Christmas cake out of that whole bottle of wine and that whole stinky cheese!” she points out. Then she whispers: “I bet Stef would like that cake…”

There was a time Mariana might’ve laughed and agreed but now, all she can think about is losing herself after Nick. Partying to numb herself.

Callie walks in then. It’s still weird to have everybody home.

“Hey, Callie,” Fran says. “We’re watching this baking show and this one lady? She’s using a whole bottle of wine and a whole wedge of stinky cheese. And she’s making her cake shaped like a present…”

Callie wrinkles her nose. “That is not a present I’d want…”

“I told Mari Stef would probably like that cake. You know, because it has wine…” Fran whispers.

Callie comes over and sits on the bed. She pauses the show. Mariana types  _ pause  _ into Avoider Chat so they all know Fran and Mari aren’t still watching. “But maybe we don’t make jokes about that.”

“Why not? It’s funny,” Fran insists. “It’s a  _ wine  _ cake!”

“But...some people do drink too much...and that’s not actually funny,” Callie ventures. She puts an arm around Fran. 

“Why?” Fran asks.

“When I was a little younger than you, my dad drank too much. My mom was in the car with him. She died. He went to jail. That’s how Jude and I ended up in foster care...and eventually here.”

“Because your dad drove drunk?” Fran asks incredulously. “Just like you, Mariana…”

Mari winces. “I didn’t kill anyone.”

“No, but you drove drunk,” Fran points out.

Mariana’s face flushes hot. Her stomach aches in a familiar way. Like it used to all the time she felt guilty for not telling police she was the last person to see Jesus. That she told him to walk home that day.

“The point is, being drunk isn’t funny. And it’s not something we joke about in this family. Especially when it’s hurt us and people we love,” Callie says, sending an apologetic look Mari’s way.

Fran falls silent, looking sad.

Callie whispers, “The stinky cheese sounds hilarious, though…” and Fran smiles. “Actually, I wanted to tell you guys something,” 

“What?” Mariana asks.

“Yeah, what?” Fran echoes.

Callie leans in. “Talya doesn’t have any sisters...so she asked me to be her maid of honor. I have to go, like, yesterday, and get fitted for a dress,” she makes a face. “I’d so rather wear pants…”

“You could wear pants under your dress,” Fran advises.

“I could...but I don’t know how Talya and Brandon would feel about it,” Callie offers.

There’s a knock at the door and Jude comes in without being invited.

“Dude. Jude. Boundaries. Go back and knock,” Callie admonishes.

“Hi. I did,” Jude points out.

“Yeah, but you didn’t wait for consent. Go back out,” Callie says seriously and Mari could kiss her.

Sighing, Jude turns and goes out, pulling the door closed. He knocks. “Can I come in?”

Mari and Fran look at each other and nod.

“Yes, you may,” Callie says.

He flops down on Callie’s bed, across the room from where Mari, Callie and Fran are all gathered on Mari’s bed.

“Can I have some chips?” Jude asks.

“Did you need something?” Mari asks back.

“Um yeah? Chips…” Jude says, smiling.

“You can have  _ some _ . Not all of them,” Fran warns, handing over the bag. He eventually convinces them to let him have the salsa, too.

“We were kinda busy…” Fran points out. 

“Yeah, you know we love you, but like… What’s the deal?” Callie presses.

Jude crunches on a chip and brushes off his hands. “Mmm!” he says like he’s just remembering the reason for his visit. “Brandon just asked me to be his best man,” he confides.

Mariana looks at Fran. She knows Fran’s kind of decided she’ll be their flower girl, but so far? Nothing. Mari hasn’t been asked to do anything yet, either. (Not that she wants to be, just..,)

“Ugh, I hate you,” Callie says good naturedly, tossing a pillow at Jude. “I’ll trade.”

“Seriously, You’re gonna make me spill all over your bed!” Jude laughs holding the salsa up. “What are you talking about?”

“Callie has to wear a dress and be the Old Maid,” Fran passes along.

“Maid of  _ Honor _ ,” Callie corrects, laughing. “And wear a freaking dress.”

“You could wear a suit,” Jude says.

“No, Talya already showed me. It’s some hideous pink thing…” Callie says.

“Hey. Did Talya tell you when she’s gonna ask me to be the flower girl?” Fran interjects.

“Oh…” Jude says. “I heard them talking...and I think Talya’s asking the little girl she’s babysat forever.”

“What?” Fran asks, her mouth falling open.

“I could be wrong,” Jude says, holding his hands up. “Anyway, I’m gonna go with B to look at tuxes.” He stands with the bag of chips in one hand.

“Hey. Give them their chips back,” Callie interjects, handing the bag and the salsa back to Fran. “You think I could come with you? Just to live vicariously through you?” Callie asks.

“Sure,” Jude nods.

“So cool that you’re Best Man…” Callie says as they leave together.

Mariana sighs. She hasn’t even bothered to set her heart on any particular role in the wedding. Though she has imagined her and Levi walking in together, bridesmaid and groomsman style, even though B would never ask Levi to be a groomsman.

She sends an unpause text to Avoider Chat as Fran presses play again.

\--

Dominique tries to organize her costuming stuff while Mariana and Fran are paused, but all she feels is overwhelmed. Christmas has brought with it a whole ton of feelings. And the new costuming stuff just makes her feel stuck.

Finally, she gives up and just goes to sit in the living room where her TV is paused. She hates it when her creativity is blocked. Where all she has are weird, unprocessed feelings. She’s finally managed to get out of the Shuri costume, but that just means she feels vulnerable as hell.

It’s been a little while since all The Avoiders have been together, and since Dom has gotten more comfortable opening up to them. They’ve done okay checking in with her. But it’s still on her more often than not to make sure she has at least one authentic connection per day. At least, she feels comfortable doing that.

She supposes she can’t blame The Avoiders for not realizing Dom wants at least one authentic connection each day, since she just kinda settled on it in her mind and didn’t share it with them. It’d just be nice if she didn’t have to spell things out for them. They seem so effortlessly tuned into one another.

**_Dominique:_ ** _ How about this wine cake? [awkward emojji] _

**_Jesus:_ ** _ [eyes closed emoji] How about never? How are you? _

**_Dominique:_ ** _ Christmas costuming energy is not a thing. Halloween costuming is where all my joy is. _

**_Jesus:_ ** _ If it’s okay to say, Shuri kicked ass. The costume. _

**_Dominique:_ ** _ Thanks. Hey can I talk to you about something that you might get? Has to do w/ our past? Is it okay to talk about? _

**_Jesus:_ ** _ It’s cool how you say our past. Like we were together. Yeah. What’s up? I’m thinking about it anyway… _

**_Dominique:_ ** _ Uncle tried to hug me? And had to do a whole duck / weave / pivot thing. You ever? _

**_Jesus:_ ** _ I usually freeze. But I get it as much as I can. Hate that feeling. Sorry it happened to you [sad emoji] Did it mess w your trauma? _

**_Dominique_ ** _ : It did. Had a whole panic attack on the phone w Mom later. _

**_Jesus:_ ** _ I’m sorry. _ ****

**_Dominique:_ ** _ Yeah. _

**_Jesus:_ ** _ I get why you didn’t wanna connect w me then and I respect it...but if you ever need backup. Or need me to get someone else for you, I totally can. _

**_Dominique:_ ** _ Thanks. IDK how I’ll feel… Hey, Fran mentioned y’all are gonna be aunts and uncles. _

**_Jesus:_ ** _ Plus a wedding. Mari just PMd me that we did not get asked to be in it. Callie and Jude are MOH and BM.  _

**_Dominique:_ ** _ Like, you, Mari and Fran have no role in the wedding? That’s kinda rude. _

**_Jesus:_ ** _ Plus Moms are so stoked about B’s kid. New baby. And it just brings up all this shit for me. Hey looks like it’s time to play wine and cheese cake. Thank you for trusting me, Dom. Miss talking to you.  _

**_Dominique:_ ** _ You too. Draw or something. Get some of this out? _

**_Jesus:_ ** _ Good idea. Thanks. _

\--

“Hey, don’t get any ideas watching this cake lady…” Levi warns.

“What do you take me for?” Pearl asks, laughing a little.

“Dad thing!” he points. 

“What?” Pearl asks.

“You just did a Dad thing!” Levi exclaims. “He said that. And you sounded like him.  _ Just  _ like him…”

“So weird,” Pearl says, and shakes her head. “But so cool…”

It takes Levi several seconds to put it into context, though. And when he does, he goes still. Remembers Dad asking Carla, “What do you take me for?” when he realized Pearl wasn’t home that time he and Dad tried to see her.

“Wait. What just happened?” Pearl asks, concerned. “You said it was a Dad thing, but your face looks like it was a Voldemort thing…”

“Kinda… He said it when he was mad at her for making him think you were home...to meet us...when you really didn’t know anything about it.” Levi manages.

“I’m sorry, Levi. And I won’t get any ideas for wine and cheese cakes,” she winks.

“Thank God,” he nods, breathing out. 

The memory catches him unguarded. That brief time between leaving Mom’s and finding Pearl. He hadn’t had anywhere to stay and didn’t feel safe hanging out in his car. Knew police wouldn’t need a reason to find him suspicious.

So, he found this little church that advertised a 6 PM service. (In Russian, but that didn’t matter to Levi. A church was a church. He could still get the comfort he craved from the space and the community, even without knowing the language.)

So, he parked a few blocks away and walked until he reached the building. After the sermon was over, Levi slipped away to the restroom and crouched on a toilet until he heard a security alarm set and all the lights turned off. He waited an extra half hour, to be sure no one was around.

Then he jumped down soundlessly and felt his way to the sanctuary. 

He curled on a pew in the middle of everything, so he couldn’t be seen from the front, or any of the windows. But he woke up suddenly in the middle of the night, freaked out that someone might see him anyway. 

Levi ended up curled on the ground out of sight of everything and everyone. 

The next day, he’d watched the sunrise through the glass, just barely picking his head up to peek through the window. Then, he went back to the bathroom, taking up his post crouched on top of the toilet, to wait.

Hours later, he heard the  _ beep beep _ as someone arrived to unlock the building. Levi waited until he heard more and more people arrive, and then slipped in for the Sunday service, like nothing was amiss.

He left after.

He never told anyone this. Hoped Pearl would never ask. It made him feel wrong, to have broken the rules and stayed in a church without people knowing. Still, Levi felt close to Dad there...and he felt like Dad might tell him God would understand his predicament.

Thinking about Dad makes Levi brave.

“I hate that you won’t talk to me. I feel like we’re being fake…” he manages. “I know you said you’re not leaving me out on purpose, but it feels personal.”

“Levi...and I feel like…” Pearl pauses. “I hear that. First of all. And it makes sense. I feel the fakeness, too, and I don’t like it. I had to do a lot of faking in my life. And I don’t want to do it with you. So, I’m gonna be as honest as I can be right now. Cool?” she asks.

He nods.

“My feelings are hurt,” Pearl admits. “That you made these plans to go back to California...and you didn’t even ask me to come. That felt personal to me.”

Levi’s eyes widen. “Oh. I’m sorry. I should have offered. I just...I know money’s tight for you…”

“I know. I figured it wasn’t on purpose. And I’m not mad...but it just...I don’t know. I know I can’t afford to go. But it’s knowing all of your will be there - all of you Avoiders - except me? That feels...heartbreaking. I’ll miss you.”

“Yeah,” Levi agrees. “That would feel really lonely, I bet. I’m sorry I didn’t ask.” He pauses. “Hey, Pearl?”

“Yes?” she asks.

“I was thinking of going to California to be Mari’s plus one for Brandon’s wedding. Do you wanna come with me?” he asks, hoping she’ll see he means it. That he’s sorry.

A slow smile spreads. “You know, I’d love to? But financially, I don’t think I can swing it. But can we check in a lot? Video chat me with everybody?”

Levi nods, and raises his eyebrows, an arm extended.

Pearl nods. 

Levi leans in and hugs her. “I’m sorry I didn’t invite you. I should have.” He takes a deep breath: “Here’s as honest as I can be: I’m not used to sharing Mom. It feels scary. Like I might be losing her. Even though I know that doesn’t make sense, and even though I definitely want us both to have a relationship with her. It’s just...new. And I’m so used to being an only child...that...it might take some time to adjust.”

“Makes sense. I’m not trying to take away your mom,” Pearl says, clicking  _ play _ on the remote when her phone pings.

“I’ll totally video chat you with everybody,” Levi promises softly.

“Good, because now that we found each other? I’m gonna miss the crap out of you. Genuinely,” Pearl says, as they watch together.


	9. Beginnings

It’s been almost a week since they celebrated Avoider Christmas together. Dom had finally felt like she was turning a corner with all her winter grief. The new year was a fresh start. Since Mom worked Saturday, they got together this morning. 

Dad brought all the ingredients for French toast, and he and Mom made breakfast in Dom’s kitchen. She hung out in her pajamas and they watched episodes of Jeopardy on Netflix. Mom kept score. 

It had been so damn fun.

Which is why it sucks extra when she’s getting ready for bed early tonight, and spots it, during a routine check. The tear in her skin of her right arm, in the front, right where it meets her body. The tear itself is small, but deep. She knows the drill by now.

She takes out her phone and snaps a picture of the tear, sending it to Mom, with a description of exactly where it is. (God damn it, Dom knows they had a plan in place but she’d hoped they’d never have to use it.) Mom responds right away.

Gets her doctor’s appointment for the very next day. Dominique finds herself relieved she’s still on their insurance. Doesn’t wanna think about in three years, when she won’t be anymore. How will she deal with this alone?

The Avoiders don’t have the first clue about skin tears. They don’t even know they’re a thing. The last time Dom had to deal with them it was before she ever met them. Before she ever saw Jesus come rushing in the hospital that night in March almost two years ago.

She doesn’t have the first clue how to tell them.

Mom calls.

“How are you, babe?” she asks. “You bandage it?”

Dominique shakes her head. “Uh, not yet…”

“Can you reach it?” Mom asks. “I can come back.”

“No. I got it,” Dom insists.

She props the phone up on the sink and washes her hands well. Then she makes sure the tear is clean and covered.

“Done,” Dominique manages after a silence. She’s done with so much more than wound care. She’s done with all this. It’s annoying as hell.

“Good job,” Mom says, gently. “How are you?”

“Mad,” Dominique admits. “Scared… When I get off your insurance...who’s gonna help me then? How am I gonna afford this?”

“Babe, in a few years? You’ll be on your own insurance, yeah. But you’re still our child. So, if this happens then? You do exactly the same thing. You call me. I’ll help you get a doctor’s appointment. Then we’ll go from there. If you need help financially, we’ll help. You won’t be on your own.”

Dom’s quiet, as she takes this in. Then: “Mommy, the new head of Plastics is an ass… I don’t want him doing my surgery…”

“We’ll look into it,” Mom promises. “I’ll do everything I can to make sure you got somebody you’re comfortable with.”

“Thank you…” Dominique breathes. “And I’m sorry…”

“Babe, you gotta grow. Don’t apologize for that. You can’t help what happened just now. I don’t blame you for it. Okay?”

“Should I drive tomorrow?” Dom asks.

“How about I pick you up? We get something to eat on the way. Drive thru somewhere?”

“Yeah…” Dominique nods.

“Yeah,” Mom nods. “Love you. You wanna hear more Harry Potter? I can whip out my Hagrid voice…”

Dom laughs in spite of herself.

“That… I could really use the distraction, yeah. Thank you.” Dominique says.

“I got you. Always,” Mom promises, and starts to read.

\--

_ “You good if I sit in on your moms’ thing with you tonight?”  _

Mariana listens to the voice note Oliver left. Then she sends a thumbs up. He appears on her tablet. He’s older than her, but younger than Rosa. Maybe 30-something.

“Hey, is that Oliver?” Fran asks, excited.

“Hey!” he greets Fran, smiling.

“You’re coming to our thing with Moms, right?” Fran checks.

“That’s how come I already asked you about it. You’re still cool, right?” Oliver checks.

“Cool as a cucumber. Hey, why is that even a saying? Lots of things are cooler than vegetables…” Fran wrinkles her nose, and Mari laughs.

Over the last week, talking to Moms has been painful. They claim they’re trying. And they do catch themselves here and there on ableism. They do nice things every once in a while. But it mostly just feels disorienting.

Because there are all the other moments when they’re like...just talking  _ at _ Mari and Fran...about the wedding...about the baby...about whatever. And Mari gets the feeling Moms could be alone in a room together and have things go the exact same way.

It wouldn’t matter if Fran and Mari were there at all.

Now, Fran offers to carry the tablet where Oliver is to the table. She sets it up carefully at an empty spot where no one is.

“What’s up?” he asks, distant, seeing Moms. Mariana remembers something about him interacting with them before. He definitely seems to be guarded around them.

“Hi, nice to see you again, Oliver…” Lena says but it sounds forced. “Hey, girls-- Mari and Fran.”

Mariana bristles.

“So, how are things going today?” Stef asks, all business. And that’s part of the problem.

Fran looks down at her hands.

Mariana has no words to explain just how bad things are. She’s back to napping a lot during the day, to make up for the sleep she’s not getting at night. Tomorrow’s session with Nadiya can’t come fast enough.

“Is everything okay?” Lena tries.

“No,” Mariana manages. 

“Okay. How can we help?” Stef asks, phone out.

“Hold up,” Oliver interjects. “If things aren’t okay… Don’t you wanna know what’s up?”

“Of course we do,” Lena answers. “What’s not okay, Mariana?”

“Everything,” Mariana insists.

“You’re sleeping more… Do you need your medication adjusted?” Lena asks.

“God, stop…” Mariana moans, her cheeks flaming. It’s bad enough she has to take crap that makes her feel like ass. Worse when they talk about it casually in front of Fran and Oliver.

“Sorry,” Lena apologizes.

“What’s one thing that’s wrong?” Oliver asks, his tone a million times gentler than he’d used on Moms.

“The wedding crap…” Mariana mutters.

“Yeah, I don’t even get to be a flower girl!” Fran objects.

“I don’t understand what the big deal is,” Stef comments. “Can you help me out?” she asks. (Oliver. As usual. Not her, or Fran.)

Mariana feels slap-cheeked heat rising in her face. “They don’t even wanna get it,” she says to Oliver.

“Yeah, they just think it’s no big deal that Callie and Jude get to be in the wedding, and we don’t.” Fran adds.

“Talk to  _ me, _ then,” Oliver suggests. “Mariana. What’s wrong with the wedding? One thing?”

“The date,” she manages.

“Valentine’s Day?” Lena asks. “What do you have against Valentine’s Day?

“Or…” Oliver interjects. “What  _ happened _ to you on Valentine’s Day?” he asks softly.

“The thing.” Mariana manages, wiping her eyes.

Fran reaches out to hold her hand.

“What thing, love?” Stef asks, softening, too.

“The thing...that did all this…” she manages, through tears.

“We can see that you’re upset. Because the date means something significant to you,” Lena reviews. “We’re sorry it’s so hard for you, honey. We’ll help however we can.”

“And Fran, I know you’re feeling left out of the wedding fun. It’s possible Talya’s just looking out for you…” Stef offers.

“She didn’t ask me at all,” Fran pouts. “And you guys are still super excited about Brandon’s baby…” She buries her head in her arms.

“Looks like that makes you sad,” Lena observes.

“Yeah, Mom loves him, but she didn’t even want me…” Fran cries.

Stef’s mouth drops open.

“What?” Mariana asks. “You didn’t. She heard it from your own mouth.”

“I know, Mariana. But that isn’t helpful,” Stef insists.

“Yes, it is. Mariana knows it really did happen. She believes me,” Fran says, still buried in her arms.

“I’m sorry, Francesca,” Stef tries. “I’ve said I’m sorry. I don’t know what else you want me to say.”

“She wants you to keep apologizing,” Oliver comments, annoyance clear in his tone. “Yeah, you might have said that thing to her or in front of her, or whatever, once. But Fran?”

Finally, Fran looks up. At Oliver. Her eyes are red.

“How often have you  _ felt _ unwanted by her?” Oliver checks. “How often do you think about that comment?”

“All the time,” Fran admits in a tiny voice. “Every single day.”

“See? It’s not the one time for her,” Oliver explains. “It’s all the time. And whenever she does...it like...damages her on the inside. You think your apology deactivates the comment, but it doesn’t. It’s alive inside her. It’s always gonna hurt her. Whenever she thinks about it. Which, she is, a lot, especially seeing you be so happy about somebody else’s kid.”

Stef looks pale. “I’m so sorry…” she says to Oliver.

“Tell her,” he says, nodding at Fran.

“I’m so sorry, Francesca,” Stef manages, her voice tight with emotion. “I should have never said that to you or about you. And I’m sorry that seeing me excited about Talon makes you feel bad all over again.”

“Thank you,” Fran whispers.

“And you’re still in the middle of stuff with Mariana,” Oliver reminds. “She’s telling you Valentine’s Day is hard. Because something happened then. Do you feel comfortable saying what it is?” he asks her.

Mariana shakes her head.

“Would you like them to keep checking in with you about it?” Oliver asks. “Even though they don’t know?”

Mariana nods. She’s getting, quickly, why Rosa trusts Oliver so much. He seems like a good person to have in her corner.

“Okay. We will,” Lena promises.

But Mariana’s not holding her breath.

\--

Bright and early Monday morning, Mom arrives at Dom’s.

Dominique is buried under the covers. Without Mom’s help, she’d just be stuck in bed today, no medical support. Nothing. Depression is suffocating her.

But Mom guessed as much. She comes and coaxes her out of bed. Supports her from outside the bathroom door, reading the dog-eared copy of the first Harry Potter book that Dad loves, to help keep her present while Dom makes sure the tear is clean and bandaged. That the rest of her is lotioned.

She doesn’t dress. Even putting on Sadness would take too much out of her.

Mom helps her put shoes on.

They drive to the Coffee Corner where Mom gets her a lemon poppyseed muffin and a frozen hot chocolate. A giant chocolate brownie and iced mocha for herself and they drive in silence to the doctor’s office with  _ Dear Evan Hansen _ playing in the background.

Dom totally checks out during the doctor’s appointment. How many of the dudes back in those dark, cigarette-stinking motel rooms had been doctors?

Mom refuses to leave, even when the doctor advises it. She stays and is gentle and supportive, making damn sure he explains what he’s about to do and why. And waits for her numb nod before he does anything.

“The earliest opening with Dr. Doan is the twenty-fourth…”

Dominique shakes her head. “No. I don’t want him.”

“We need Dr. Pettis,” Mom interjects. 

“Dr. Pettis retired. Not to worry, though. Dr. Doan is the best in the country. Dominique, you couldn’t be in better hands.”

She closes her eyes. It’s exactly his hands she’s worried about. The fact that he’s been looking at her like something to fix since the moment he saw her. 

Her body shakes, familiar, of course, with this trauma. The surgery. And the other, that it reminds her of.

Dominique doesn’t remember getting home.

She crawls back into bed.

Mom joins her.

They don’t talk.


	10. Session

If there’s one thing Mariana hates about meeting with Nadiya, it’s the time. Ten o’clock in the morning. She’s sometimes awake by now, but on counseling days she has to be in the office by then. Even though it’s been two months, it’s still a struggle. She comes in looking a mess more often than not, because getting dressed, and doing her hair and whatever takes time and energy. Talking takes enough energy.

There is that, though. Mari tends to think clearer in the morning. Her brain works better. She can’t really explain it, except that by the evening, she’s exhausted and still struggles to put sentences together.

That is - she  _ would _ probably think clearer if she were actually sleeping at night. But that’s been impossible. This morning, she fell asleep by six AM. Moms woke her up at 8:45 since they know how long she needs to get as ready as she needs to get out of the house.

Lena drives her, quiet.

“You know, whenever you need to talk to me, you can,” Lena says. “I’ll listen.”

Mariana feels the words wash over her and then recede. She can’t take them in. The hellsite is there in her mind. Lines Lena and Stef wrote about...it’s too horrible to say. 

And talk about what? Lena’s so not specific. Which doesn’t help.

“I can wait in the lobby,” Lena offers, pulling in to park. “Or the parking lot? Which do you want?”

Neither. Mariana wants neither. Moms are so out of touch with her.

“Just go. Home. You don’t have to wait here,” Mariana sighs. “I’ll be fine.”

Lena squints at her over the seat, hurt. “Is that really what you want? Is it...what you meant to say?” she manages.

Mariana nods out the window. 

How can she explain that she feels a thousand times safer talking to Nadiya than she ever has talking to Moms? How can she explain that the feeling of safety is less the closer Moms are to the sessions?

“Oh. Okay. Well, I’m coming back, alright?” Lena reassures. “At 10:50, I’ll come back and meet you in the lobby.”

Mariana nods again, getting out of the car. She feels connected to Jesus this way - sunglasses and headphones on - with her pink hat from Pearl. (At least Stef has stopped commenting about her appearance. But the silence in its place is jarring.)

Distantly, Mari hears the window come down. Lena calls out to her. “Mari!” 

She stumbles but catches herself on the car.

“I’m sorry I talked about your...medical information...last night in front of Fran...and Oliver. I overstepped,” Lena says in a rush

Mariana’s cheeks flame. “So, yell about it in a parking lot…” she mutters, walking away.

\--

The waiting room still feels charged with anxiety.

She texts Levi, just for something to do:

**_Mariana:_ **

_ Nadiya Monday again. Thank God. Lena’s annoying. What day are you coming? (Are you really coming for the wedding? I know it’s a month away but I need to be able to mark off the days...) _

**_Levi:_ **

_ I thought I’d come Monday - day of. Is that too late? Leave Tuesday? (I am really coming, yes. Unless you really don’t want me there.) _

**_Mariana:_ **

_ You being there is the only good thing about it. _

**_Levi:_ **

_ Hope Nadiya Monday is as good as it can be. Sorry Lena’s annoying.  _

**_Mariana:_ **

_ Mon-Tues is so fast. [sad emoji] _

**_Levi:_ **

_ I know, but I didn’t wanna leave Mom and Pearl for too long. Plus work. Far enough ahead I can request time off, though, so that’s good. _

**_Mariana:_ **

_ Gotta go. Thanks. For being here. And for coming. To the thing. _

**_Levi:_ **

_ Always will if I can. I’m around if you need me. _

\--

“Hi, Mariana,” Nadiya says warmly.

Mariana makes eye contact as she comes in and sprawls out on the couch. She takes off her sunglasses and pulls her hat down over her eyes.

“Here. Will this help?” Nadiya asks, handing her what feels like tee shirt fabric.

Mariana accepts it, nodding. “Thanks,” she blows out a breath. She knows Nadiya well enough to know she’s dimming the office lights, too.

“Where do you want to start today?” Nadiya asks.

“Levi’s coming to the wedding,” Mariana says.

“Ah. Whose wedding?” Nadiya asks.

“B. My brother. He’s...getting married…” Mariana manages. Words get harder as she thinks about the details.

“Okay. Something about the wedding has you stressed. Is that right?” Nadiya asks, sympathetic. 

“Nick,” Mariana whispers.

“I see. It has to do with Nick...who violated you,” Nadiya says. Mariana can practically hear her pursed lips. “What would you like to say about that?”

“Valentine’s Day,” Mariana sighs.

Mariana can hear papers flipping. “The anniversary of your trauma,” Nadiya observes. “I can see why that would be difficult. Do you need to talk more about that?”

“Levi,” Mariana decides.

“Yes, let’s talk about Levi coming,” Nadiya agrees, sounding engaged. “How do you feel about it?”

“Love him,” Mariana admits softly. “For it.”

“Did you ask him to come? Or did he offer?” Nadiya checks.

“He did,” Mariana says. “I told him it was the day...and he said...he’d come...be my date. For the thing.”

“It sounds like it means a lot to you that he offered to follow through so fully when he knew you needed him,” Nadiya reviews.

“Mmm,” Mariana confirms. 

“Well, I think you having support during a stressful event is really wise. I’m proud of you for accepting it.” Nadiya says. “Do you find yourself nervous about the wedding itself? Aside from the date?”

“Exhausting as hell,” Mariana confirms. “I’m already not sleeping...because of Nick...reasons.”

“You’re having nightmares?” Nadiya deduces, concerned. “Would you like to talk about those?”

“Reliving it…” Mariana manages. “Whenever I sleep. Or that I’m out...and I see him...and Moms don’t notice...because they didn’t know him. They don’t know about this.”

“I can see how that would be difficult, yeah,” Nadiya confirms. “Last time we spoke, you said you weren’t ready for them to know. This isn’t pressure. I’m only curious...if you still feel the same. If you’d feel safer if they did know?”

“They don’t keep me safe anyway,” Mariana says flatly. “How could I trust them to do it about him?”

“That’s valid,” Nadiya nods.

“I just… They try? And it fucking sucks. Because it’s like…they could have tried before...before any of this happened… And then maybe…”

“Maybe what?” Nadiya prompts gentle.

“I wouldn’t be here,” Mariana finishes.

“How do you mean that?” Nadiya asks.

“Like...if they’d been… I don’t know… If they cared? When I was growing up? If they got me help, more than just about Jesus? Maybe...I would’ve been safer? Or they’d have noticed something wrong, instead of brushing off the...partying...and everything…”

“Sounds like you’re grieving,” Nadiya observes. “You’re grieving the absence of emotional support. Something, yes, you absolutely should have had, as a little girl and beyond that. You wanted parents who were plugged in.”

Mariana nods, and uses the thing over her eyes to wipe tears away.

“Mariana, can I tell you something?” Nadiya asks.

She nods.

“You deserved parents who were plugged in,” she says simply.

It breaks Mariana.

“They’re...having...a baby,” she sobs.

“Someone’s...having a baby?” Nadiya guesses.

“A wedding...and a baby...and Moms..they’re like... _ so happy _ …” Mariana manages, broken.

“Your brother’s not only getting married? His fiancee is expecting? And your parents are very happy?” Nadiya reviews, gentle.

Mariana nods.

“And it looks like that’s bringing up a lot for you…” Nadiya observes. “You feel sad?”

Mariana nods again.

“You feel sad why? Can you tell me?” Nadiya prompts.

“She  _ left us _ !” Mariana exclaims, too loud. 

“Your birth mother?” Nadiya fills in. Mariana has given her history. Pages of history, in the very early stages. It was easier to have her just know things about Mariana’s past instead of having to explain them as they came up.

Mariana curls on her side, toward the back of the couch. She sobs, knowing that doctor/patient rules mean that Nadiya can’t touch her. It frees Mariana to feel what she feels without worrying about unwanted contact.

Nadiya lets her cry, occasionally offering, “I cannot imagine that pain. Or that fear. It makes so much sense. It’s safe to feel sad here.”

Mariana eventually accepts a blanket from Nadiya and can let herself be coached through taking calming breaths. Nadiya’s been teaching her to self-soothe, by patting over her own chest, the way someone might soothe a baby. It feels strange, but it helps that Mari can’t see Nadiya watching her. The rhythm of it does help.

“Would you like to say more about your feelings? About the baby?” Nadiya asks after Mari’s been calm for several minutes.

“I did,” Mariana gestures vaguely toward where she imagines a pile of tissues sitting.

“That is very true,” Nadiya nods. “Well, I think you’re doing some great work, Mariana. I know this session was particularly difficult, because we missed a week, due to the holidays.”

Mari nods.

“So, we’re almost out of time,” Mariana takes the cue and sits up. She tosses aside whatever she’s been using to cover her eyes and replaces her sunglasses. Her head aches.

Nadiya offers her water.

Mariana accepts it and drinks.

As she does, Nadiya says quietly. “Feeling your feelings is difficult work. But you are doing beautifully. We take things at your pace here. Do you feel comfortable with how things are going?”

“I hate crying…” Mariana admits.

“I’m right there with you,” Nadiya smiles. “Would you be comfortable with a tiny assignment from me? Nothing too labor-intensive, I promise. I know you’re dealing with a lot.”

“What does it...I don’t know...have to do with?” Mariana asks.

“It’s a bit of a coping strategy. Would you like one of those?” Nadiya raises her eyebrows.

“Uh, yeah. All of them,” Mariana confirms.

Nadiya laughs. “Well, we’ll start with one. Remember the patting I talked you through today?”

Mariana nods.

“If you find yourself thinking about the new baby...about yourself and Jesus...as babies? I want you to imagine you’ve got baby Mariana with you. Hold her against you. Pat her gently. Babies like rhythm. They like predictable things. You don’t have to talk. You can hum. Or just keep patting.”

“It’s subtle,” Mariana observes. “So Moms...won’t notice...probably…”

“And I know that’s important to you,” Nadiya nods. “Which is why I’ve suggested this, and not an assignment that demands a lot of language. Baby Mariana’s preverbal. And I know language is an area where you struggle already. We want to take gentle care of you right now....and always.”

Mariana nods. She stands and offers a little wave.

Nadiya returns it.

And then, it’s out to face the world again.


	11. Triggers

Levi’s been at County Market for three months now. He’d much rather be working anywhere in California, close to The Avoiders, but for now this is definitely better than SuperOne.

The thing is, ever since Christmas, when he kinda disclosed to Mom? Now things are getting seriously weird. Now it’s like SuperOne all over again, except somehow worse. Instead of actually seeing Pearl’s mom, he  _ thinks _ he sees her, every time he sees a blonde woman. And there are plenty of women who fit her description who shop at County Market.

It makes him feel like he’s losing it. To have to do double and triple takes, and even then to not be sure.

And then, today? He walks into the break room and the smell hits him in the face. He sees them. Peanut butter star cookies, just there on a table. A treat for the employees.

Last time, he’d broken the plate. He can’t believe it was almost a year ago. Back when nobody knew.

Forget it. He can’t even think about eating lunch now. His heart’s pounding. He can’t catch his breath. It feels like he’s shaking under his skin. But it’s subtle. 

“Excuse me? Did you know the milk’s been moved?” an older gentleman says.

In a second, he’s Dad, giving the cashier a hard time:  _ “Just leave it in the carton!” _

God, what Levi wouldn’t give for Dad to just walk in here. Start making him laugh. Startle him out of this...whatever is happening.

His phone vibrates, which Levi almost doesn’t catch, what with feeling like  _ he’s _ vibrating and all. He glances down at the screen.

“Son?” the man presses.

Levi shakes his head. “I’m sorry I’m...on a break right now.”

His phone’s not loading his texts. He’s so distracted that he walks right into somebody’s cart. He glances up sharply.

“Mom…” he manages.

She smiles. “Well, there you are! You know I’ve been wanting to try this citrus pie recipe. Of course, that means I need some undetermined number of lemons, oranges and limes... I was hoping to check out with my favorite cashier.”

He’d normally be embarrassed. Normally, ask her to stop. But he can’t do anything, so he just stands there, a half-smile frozen on his face.

“Levi?” Mom asks, walking around her cart and up to him. She rests a hand on his chest. Feels his racing heart. “Alright. Come with me, baby. We’ll get you some air.”

He checks his phone, fumbling it. He still, somehow, has most of his half hour break left.

They’re outside before Levi realizes Mom left her cart in the middle of the store. That somebody’s gonna put everything back. She’s gonna have to do her shopping all over again.

Mom walks him to her car. They get inside together, and she blasts the heat.

“Now, listen to me,” Mom says, gentle, but with an edge of strength to her voice that makes him focus. “You are not alone right now. You hear me? Everyone in this damn family has been where you are,” she says.

“What do you mean?” Levi asks, his voice weak. “I’m fine.”

“Son, Dad and I, we both had our share of panic attacks,” Mom says, knowingly. “Just breathe.”

Levi does. He learns across the front seat until his head is resting on her shoulder. “Hug me? Hard?” he asks.

And Mom squeezes harder than Levi thought possible. It’s good, and grounding. Plus, he can smell her. The same fresh-citrus perfume she’s worn all his life. It’s his mom, and nobody else. Slowly, that takes over the peanut butter smell stuck in his nose. Slowly, his heartbeat returns to something usual.

“You have them?” Levi asks, pulling back.

“All my life,” Mom nods. “But especially since the break in,” she tells Levi.

His eyes widen. “Mom… We both helped Dad...but who helped you?”

“He did, of course. If anybody knew how it felt to panic, it was your old Dad. Mine was quiet. A lot like yours. But he’d recognize it in me. Get me someplace quiet and just wait with me while it passed.”

Levi shudders. “So, in a way, it’s like Dad’s here, too. You’re doing what he’d do for you.”

Mom nods. “Need to talk about it?”

Levi feels pressure - actual pressure in his body - a memory. “You know-- I--I mean… Did you know she made him cookies?”

“Oh God yes,” Mom grimaces. “Those damn cookies. I can’t smell those without feeling all riled up…” 

It makes Levi feel better. “Don’t go in our break room, then.” he warns.

“You need some food?” she asks, concerned. “I can take you home. Fix you something?”

“I can’t just leave in the middle of work, Mom…” Levi objects.

“Now, I’ll give you that. Calming yourself down is a skill you’re gonna have to learn. You gotta find what works for you. But there’s nobody around who’s gonna fault you for letting yourself be taken care of right now. Especially if your mother comes in and tells them you’re excused…” her eyes sparkle.

“Oh, please don’t,” he begs, smiling. “I appreciate the offer, Mom. Really. But honestly, it… It just helps knowing you know what it’s like…”

“Well, that’s for sure,” she nods. Levi leans against her. It’s comfortable.

“Do things about it… Do they ever sneak up on you?” Levi asks.

“Oh, yes,” Mom clicks her tongue. “Sometimes just being alone at home is enough to… Well, I don’t wanna worry you. I got plenty of neighbors who check on me.”

“You haven’t had trouble like...like before again? Like, nobody’s tried to break in?” Levi worries.

“No. Nothing like that. But it’s like you say about those cookies. The body remembers. And sometimes, it don’t take much to trigger that.”

“Right. You know, you’d make a great Avoider…” Levi ventures, showing her the bracelet around his wrist.

“Avoiders Unite? Those superheroes?” Mom asks.

“No,” Levi laughs. “Not Avengers. Avoiders,” he clarifies. “We just support each other through life. Pearl and me and our friends from California.”

“Well, if y’all ever need a senior Avoider, count me in.”

“She’s not...here...you know?” Levi admits, soft. “Pearl’s reassured me she doesn’t shop here...but I...keep seeing her. Thinking I see her...that is...every single blonde woman…”

“That’s it,” Mom says, brushing off her hands.

“What? What’s it?” Levi asks, confused. 

“Here’s what’s gonna happen. You may not be comfortable leaving in the middle of your shift, but nobody can stop me from setting right down by your lane.”

“That won’t look weird at all,” he complains.

“I don’t care if it does,” Mom insists. “Dad stayed with you all day when you started preschool, and I’m fixing to stay with you now.”

“What’s Dad staying with me in preschool got to do with anything?” Levi asks.

“Well, he said you just needed a little security. So, he stayed in the parking lot, where you could see him if you looked out the window. I’d prefer to be a little closer to you. Things being what they are…”

“Okay, but remember I’m working…” Levi warns, a smile spreading.

“You think I was born yesterday?” Mom chides. She opens the glove box and gives him a granola bar: S’mores. Mariana’s favorite. He opens it and takes a bite.

When his break’s over, they walk in together. Mom finishes her shopping leisurely, and then comes through Levi’s lane, eyebrows raised. “If you need me, I’m gonna be on that bench by the doors. You can see it if you glance over,” Mom explains.

“Okay, Oh, good, you found all the lemons and limes again.”

“Oranges, too. The only fruit in season now, I guess. You wanna come by when you’re through? We can try this new recipe together, and you can tell me if Dad would have liked it or not…” Mom smiles, but grief edges it.

“Yeah. I’ll do that,” Levi nods.

For the rest of his shift, Mom doesn’t move from her place by the door. She’s got a book open in her lap and keeps glancing up and smiling. His phone buzzes, and he checks it, lowkey, during a lull.

**Mom:**

_ I’m right here, baby. Not leaving without you. _

\--

Levi makes it through the rest of his shift. As silly as he felt having Mom there, it really had helped. He calmed down, mostly, and his freaking out over random blonde women was kept to a minimum.

He walks out with her, promises to follow her back to her place.

Levi sends Mom in ahead of him and unpacks the groceries himself, walking them inside for her.

“Oh. I should text Pearl. If I no-call-no-show at the end of my shift, she gets freaked out…”

He sets down a bag, which Mom starts unpacking right away.

**Levi:**

_ I’m safe. Be home later. _

He doesn’t know why he doesn’t tell Pearl he’s with Mom now. Maybe because of just how strongly Carla featured in his day. Maybe because his memories today have been of his family when it was just him and Mom and Dad. ...And maybe some part of him is still jealous that Mom and Pearl have private things they discuss. Their own relationship.

Levi’s busy whisking all the citrus juice and egg yolks in a pan. Mom’s got the oven preheating, and is onto the pie crust. The recipe says it can be store-bought but Mom insists she can make a graham cracker crust from scratch.

“Did you tell Pearl she could call you Mom?” Levi asks carefully.

“Not in so many words…” Mom says gently. “Has she?”

Levi nods.

“You okay with that?” Mom asks.

“I feel selfish…” he admits. “I’ve had you...and Dad...for basically my whole life. She barely has any memories of Dad, and her mom’s… And I’m like...jealous of her getting to confide in you...and vice versa.”

“A little jealousy’s normal between siblings, honey,” Mom reassures. “And when I talk to Pearl alone, it’s because the things I have to say to her have to do with her. Just her.”

“I know,” Levi exclaims. “It makes sense, but it’s just---”

“Here, stop whisking that so much. Give it here,” she says and adds the sweetened condensed milk. Whisks some more.

Levi takes over again when it’s time to pour the mixture into Mom’s homemade pie crust. “I hate being left out…” he admits, putting the pie in the oven and setting the timer.

“Honey? Pearl might decide to tell you. And she might not. It’s her choice. But don’t punish her for it. She’s got a right to privacy.”

“It’s just...I hurt her, Mom. Like, a lot. And I’m worried she’s keeping whatever it is from me because of that. Because I did something similar to her and she just found out about it. Like, she’s trying to teach me a lesson…”

“Did you ask Pearl?” Mom wonders, sitting down at the table across from him.

“I did. She said it’s not that. It’s just private,” Levi explains.

“Then believe her, son. I know you’ve got a lot wrapped up in your relationship with your sister. More than I ever could’ve imagined, what with Carla… But Pearl is not her mother, you hear me? Unless she gives you cause to believe she’s one of them unsafe people y’all avoid together, trust her. But last I checked, she was one of you.”

“She is,” Levi nods.

“The two of you are gonna learn. How to live together, and all that. You’re gonna disagree and you’re gonna hurt each other, because most people who love each other do...even unintentionally. But when that happens, you apologize.”

“I have,” Levi says.

“Well, sometimes it takes a while for that to settle in a person. But if she’s working through it, trust that. And if she told you she’s not holding back what we talked about to get back at you? Trust that.”

“Yes, ma’am,” Levi says. “If she texts again, can I invite her over?”

“Levi, she’s family. Of course. She’s welcome anytime,” Mom says.

He checks his phone again, prepared to give Pearl more info:

**_Pearl:_ **

_ You sure you’re okay? That was a brief text. _

**_Levi:_ **

_ Baking a new pie recipe w/ Mom. Wanna come taste-test? We’re trying to see if Dad would’ve approved or not… _

**_Pearl:_ **

_ Ooh, that does sound tempting. Are you sure I wouldn’t be intruding? _

**_Levi:_ **

_ Not at all. And it’s not warm. It’s a chilled pie. Citrus. (I think you said once you weren’t a fan of warm fruit?) Two hours to wait, so no rush. _

**_Pearl:_ **

_ Well, now I have to come. Let me get the dogs and we’ll be over. _

Pearl arrives juggling Cleo, Panther and her Authorful Puns puzzle Dominique gave her for Christmas.

“Oh, let me get my glasses so we can get to doing this…” Mom says, excited. Panther rests her head in Mom’s lap, while Cleo snuggles in Pearl’s lap.

They lose time quickly, working together. When Levi’s timer rings to taste the pie, they take a break, the puzzle only partly done.

Mom cuts them all slices.

“Now. On the count of three?” she says.

Levi looks at Pearl and they nod. On three, they taste it and Levi raises his eyebrows. “Mmm…”

“I think we might have a winner,” Pearl says.

“I agree,” Mom says. “Makes me feel a little sad it’s so cold out. This would taste fine on a hot summer day…”

“Definitely,” Levi nods.

“Thanks for including me,” Pearl smiles, digging into her pie. “This is still so new for me. To be hanging out with you guys.” A shadow passes behind her eyes briefly. “All that’s missing is Dad.”

Levi wants to reach out and squeeze her hand, but doesn’t. Can’t.

“That’s for sure,” Mom says, patting Pearl’s hand. 

“I wish so much we could’ve all been a family when he was alive...but Carla….she ruined any chance of that.”

Levi does a double take. Pearl blames Carla? Not him?

“Well, I know Paris always told you kids to feel all your feelings. And I’m with him. But I also think he’d agree to not giving Carla one more damn day of our lives as a family. We got enough regrets. Let’s start living.”

“Yes, ma’am,” Levi says looking down to see crumbs on his pie plate.

“Yes, ma’am,” Pearl echoes. “Let’s get back to these terrible puns…”

And Levi loses himself in fitting the broken pieces of this one thing together so they formed a whole picture.

Their family will always be missing a piece.

And Levi’s not okay with it. But maybe he’s not supposed to be.


	12. Human

Jesus has gotta admit: a huge part of him doesn’t even wanna bother with trying to check in again with Moms. After sitting in with Mari and Fran’s time with them after Christmas to just have them space his own? Well, it hurt.

It actually kinda gives Jesus a taste of what they might feel all the time, since he knows Moms usually prioritize him. Having it flipped so they remember Mari and Fran and not him? It just messes with his mind...and his trauma.

It brings back His voice into Jesus’s head, telling Jesus they don’t love him. They didn’t want him anymore and they knew he was at That House they just sent him there to get rid of him.

Jesus tries not to think about Mari and Fran’s time going on right now. Tries not to worry about what might or might not be happening. If they’re safe with Moms. He has to remind himself that Dominique’s there with them.

That reminds Jesus how he failed so hard at being there for Fran and Mari that they recruited Olivia’s brother to be the Sunday person instead of Jesus. Oliver’s actually done the thing now. Jesus feels replaced. Kinda like he felt coming back home to three new kids in the house.

No one but Mari had expected him to come home. They’d all moved on. There was no space left for him.

He glances over at his closet, where he keeps everything from childhood worth keeping. Sees Ord the dragon’s tail sticking out from under the backpack Lena gave him once. It makes him remember that Moms had kept his room the same.

That was something.

But he feels like people do that anyway, when their kids die and they’re in denial.

God, his head is so messed up.

This is the problem. 

Miss one talk with Moms, and it all goes downhill.

Pearl’s face appears on his phone screen.

“Hey, so I just had the best time with Levi and Nia…. What’s going on?” she asks.

“What?” Jesus asks.

“Something’s wrong. Look at your face,” Pearl challenges.

And there’s no denying it: Jesus can see the blankness there.

Dudley whines a little and licks Jesus. It helps. Jesus pets him. He sighs. “Moms...they’re treating me like I’m some damn obligation. Some chore they have to check off a list…”

“And you don’t do well unless you’re feeling exclusively human,” Pearl fills in, sad.

“And Mari and Fran replaced me...with another guy from the workshop, because of how bad I sucked being their Sunday person… So now I just feel...the same way I felt Then, you know? Back when I believed they agreed to it. For Him to take me. Because they didn’t want me anymore.”

“That sounds terrible…” Pearl sympathizes. “And so lonely. And I know you’re about to have time with your Moms now. Or, pretty soon anyway. Are you gonna be alright for it? Should I sit in?”

“Pablo’s video chatting in a bit,” Jesus reassures. I just… I don’t wanna make you feel bad...but you… You know that I pulled a knife on Jude right after I got home, don’t you?”

Pearl’s silent. Jesus can see her thinking. “I think so… So you… Oh, God. Listen, I was  _ not  _ trying to compare you to my mother. Please know that. I just...forgot. I know that sounds terrible. But it’s the truth.”

“But like...your mom’s kind of an awful person, right? We all agree?”

“Firmly,” Pearl fills in.

“And she did that to you...when you were an actual child….” Jesus continues. “I did that to Jude...when he was an actual child. Where’s the difference? Because I don’t see it.”

“ _ You _ were a child. My mom was an adult. She did what she did because she was trying to control my dad - and it worked. Were you trying to control Jude?” she asks rhetorically. “Because I seem to remember you were trying to protect him…”

“I was. But he’s still messed up over it. Just because I had good intentions doesn’t make the damage I did to him any less.” Jesus argues.

“I hear that. But I need you to hear me. I haven’t ever compared you to my mother in my mind. Not even a little bit. I don’t want you to either, Jesus. You’re not like her.”

“I know, but I….” he begins, helpless.

“I didn’t tell you that so you’d spin out and doubt yourself. I told you because I trust you. Because we’re friends. We’re Trauma Club: Original Recipe - pre-Avoiders.”

“Yeah?” Jesus asks, finally glancing at her.

“Yes,” Pearl insists.

“I’m sorry she did that to you,” Jesus says. “You didn’t deserve it.”

“I know that. And you don’t deserve to blame yourself…” Pearl says gently.

“So...what’d you do with Levi and Nia?” Jesus asks.

“Oh! We all taste-tested this new pie recipe. Citrus. To see if we could tell if it was something Dad would have liked. We waited for it to chill and did a puzzle together. It was nice. Cozy,” Pearl sighs.

“That sounds...like you’re some TV family…” he admits. “ _...And then, The Wests had puzzle night and lived happily ever after… _ ” he intones like a TV narrator.

“Oh, my God. Now you’re gonna give me nightmares that my life is The Truman Show…” Pearl shakes her head, laughing.

“The what?” Jesus asks.

“Nothing, I won’t even tell you. Not worth it to get it stuck in your head, too.” Pearl says.

“Thank you?” Jesus asks. “Listen, I’m really glad you had such a good day today. And thank you...for talking me down…”

“Anytime…” Pearl says, yawning. 

“It’s late, isn’t it? Shouldn’t you go to bed?” Jesus asks.

“Levi’s slowly transforming me into a night owl,” Pearl confides. “But I could definitely sleep,” she yawns a second time. “If you need me, though, I’ll get back to you, ASAP.”

“Good night, Pearl,” Jesus says, in the seconds before both Moms and Pablo are video chatting.

Jesus takes a deep breath and picks up.

\--

“Jesus?” Stef asks.

“Yeah?” he says back.

“Hi,” Lena greets. “Pablo’s here, too. Did you… You feel you need backup for this?”

She’s pissed. Jesus can see it, even if Pablo can’t.

“Listen. We just asked you about the list of triggers because Pablo suggested it, okay? We’re trying to do what’s suggested, so we don’t miss anything with you guys…” Stef explains.

“But...God...you  _ are _ …” Jesus explains, exasperated. “This is not what was in the contract. You’re not doing what you promised…”

“Jesus, why don’t you...if you’re okay...tell your moms what you’re experiencing when they talk to you?”

“I’m an obligation. A job. Something for you to check off your to-do list,” Jesus fills in. “And I can’t feel like that...and keep being okay mentally. I have to feel human all the time. And right now? I just don’t. I haven’t been.”

“Okay. Stef and Lena, can you hear that?” Pablo asks.

“Where is this coming from?” Lena asks, and Jesus’s stomach sinks.

“You said if they share their experience you’re not gonna make them feel bad about it,” Pablo reminds. “So, Jesus is sharing from his heart with you.”

“I guess I just… I don’t know what you want from us, honey…” Lena manages, her voice tight. Tears are shining in her eyes. “We’re doing our best. I know we didn’t call you on Sunday. We’re sorry. That was a one time thing. Don’t punish us for that…”

“Lena… This is Jesus’s time. You’re still trying to manage his feelings so they’re what you think they should be, instead of honoring what they are.” Pablo points out. “Can you hear him say he feels like less human when you treat this time like an obligation or a checklist?”

“Yes,” Lena says.

“I can feel yours and Mom’s anxiety. It, like, pours off you. And it makes you rush. And when you’re rushing, it’s like...I don’t matter. I feel like I don’t. Because you have a million better things to do. So, I better hurry before you move on…”

“Jesus…” Stef tries. “We don’t feel like that.”

“But  _ I do _ ,” Jesus objects. “And knowing my history, wouldn’t you wanna make damn sure I don’t feel like that?” Jesus asks, his eyes bright.

“Yes. Of course, Jesus,” Stef says.

“But it’s not. It’s not ‘ _ of course _ ,’ Mom,” Jesus counters. “ _ Of course _ ,’ is a privilege. ‘Of course’ means you’ve been raised in the same damn place your whole life. It means even if your family didn’t do everything right, you at least knew they loved you. You at least trusted that much. I don’t know that. It’s why the thing is in the contract about being really obvious with your love for us...because unless it’s spelled out - said - every single day? I doubt it.”

“Honey,” Lena objects. “We’re sorry. We do love you. Very much. And we do want you to always, always feel human.”

Jesus nods.

“Did that get in?” Pablo checks.

“Kinda,” Jesus admits. “Kinda feels like you just said it because I told you to...and Pablo’s here…”

“What would make it feel more genuine?” Pablo asks.

“If you noticed it and came to me on your own to apologize. But that...self-awareness...it’s just not there. And that sucks. ‘Cause I know I still feel like I’m doing all this work. Managing myself. Making sure Fran and Mari are okay with you guys. And meanwhile you two just...don’t care.”

“What’s giving you that idea?” Stef asks. Her voice is tense.

“Come on. You’re asking for a list of my triggers. They haven’t changed for ten years. You used to know them. You used to care about them. It doesn’t matter if you don’t give me wrapped gifts, if everyone else in the house is tearing wrapping paper and the whole room is cluttered with boxes…”

“That still bothers you?” Lena asks. 

“Why wouldn’t it?” Jesus challenges.

“Because you haven’t...seemed triggered for a long time,” Stef points out.

“You stopped caring when I was triggered. It was about what was easiest for you…” Jesus points out.

“What?” Lena asks.

“Our birthday?” Jesus reminds. “Fran told you no wrapping paper, and you did it anyway. I was triggered the whole time. Mari was, too, and neither one of you gave a shit…” 

Stef opens her mouth. Closes it. “That was...before the workshop. We were… We were very ignorant. And we’re sorry....”

“We do know your triggers,” Lena nods. “And we’re sorry for not respecting them, or you.”

Jesus nods.

“What can Moms do to make you feel more like a human?” Pablo asks.

“Recognize that these times...they aren’t for you to download all the information our people told you. Or do everything they said. Do we appreciate that you’re in touch with them? Hell, yeah. But you’re talking to me now. Be present in the conversation. Ask how I am because you wanna know. Listen to what I’m saying, don't just jump to whatever you need to make sure you say, so you can send a good report back to NAU,” Jesus manages.

“Alright,” Lena says, taking notes on her phone.

It makes Jesus feel defeated. He’s so tired.

“What?” she says, glancing up.

“That’s basic, Lena. It’s human stuff. You shouldn’t need to take notes to remember to treat me like a damn human being…”

“Jesus, I feel like we’re damned if we do, and we’re damned if we don’t right now,” Stef points out.

“Jesus’s feelings are valid,” Pablo interjects. “My interactions with my mother were very different from what I see here. There was warmth. She listened. She was plugged in. She’d sit and listen to me for as long as I wanted to talk. And before you talk about having six kids, she had eight. You make the time. You have the kids? You make the time to have a relationship with every kid.”

Stef and Lena are quiet, chastised.

“So...what else is going on, my baby?” Stef tries.

Something inside Jesus gives a little. He remembers the first time he heard her say that after she came for him. How relieved he’d been, feeling sure he’d never be anybody’s baby again.

“Brandon and Talya… The baby, you know, it’s...bringing up a lot of feelings, I guess?”

“Really?” Lena asks.

“Mama, yes. Really,” Jesus says. “I wasn’t here when you were expecting Fran, or you’d have probably seen some of them then… And that’s...part of it I guess… Knowing this is happening? It’s just reminding me of everything I missed. And then I think about Ana, and how she’s fine raising Bella but couldn’t get it together for me and Mari… It’s not that I’m not happy for them. I am. It’s just…”

“It’s grief,” Pablo fills in. “I feel it when I see happy families together. When I see mothers with their sons. I’m happy for them, but it’s always gonna ache.”

“Right,” Jesus nods.

“Honey, we had no idea…” Stef says.

“We’re all adopted, Mom. You had some idea,” Jesus insists. “That seeing you and Mama so happy about a bio baby coming might bring up our own various rejections? Or at least questions? It’s natural.”

“That’s fair,” Lena nods.

“And then there’s… Brandon made us promise to keep something a secret...all of us kids...and it’s not bad, but...I don’t do secrets, you know?”

“Right,” Stef nods. “If you need to tell us anything, Jesus, we won’t get mad.”

“I swore I wouldn’t tell,” Jesus says to Dudley, whose head is resting in his lap. “And you might not be mad, but Brandon will… I just… I’m kinda really into thinking about Then for all kinds of reasons. Not the least of which is somebody making us promise to keep quiet about something…”

“Do you want us to keep encouraging you? Or just leave it open so you can come to us when you’re ready?” Lena asks.

“It’s not cool for me to tell you. It’s just messed up. Brandon will think I did it on purpose just to hurt you guys or him…” Jesus manages.

“But keeping it in is hurting you…” Stef insists, gentle.

“I’m used to it, though…” Jesus objects.

“Anything that makes you think about your trauma and feel like ‘Oh, that’s normal?’ That  _ is  _ trauma,” Pablo points out.

“The proposal? And the baby announcement? They knew about it for months…” Jesus confesses, quiet. 

“Oh, Jesus. We know that. When they said they were planning to marry on Valentine’s Day, we filled in the blanks. It’s fine, honey,” Stef reassures. “Please don’t worry about it.”

“It’s sweet that Brandon was worried about our feelings--” Lena begins.

“Is it, though?” Pablo challenges. “Sounds like he’s catering to you the same as you used to expect Jesus, Mariana and Fran to do. And that’s not sweet. That’s done out of fear.”

“Point taken. But please don’t worry, Jesus,” Lena insists. “We love you. You’re one of our six favorite humans.”

“Feeling really alien lately…” Jesus admits.

“Well, what did Fran used to say?  _ You’re a human being and not a thing _ ?” Lena remembers.

“Right. And I’m not an alien to her,” Jesus smiles a bit remembering that day in the kitchen, making cookies with her. Back when she believed in magic whisks.

“You’re not an alien to us either, honey,” Lena presses. “We love you. We respect you.”

Jesus recognizes the echo of his little sis’s words given back to him now. It makes him feel like waking her up right this minute.

Telling her thanks.

Because even though he can’t believe Moms are sincere yet in what they’re saying - and even though it feels weird that they reach back for her words instead of telling him themselves? Moms reminded him of someone who does - who has always seen him as fully human.

He thinks about the one night on the porch a million years ago, where he’d wished to clone Moms, so each of the sibs could have a set.

Jesus doesn’t wanna do that anymore, but he wishes like hell he could clone this feeling. So he’d have a stockpile whenever he needed it. 

This knowing - that Moms love him and respect him - and see him as fully human.


	13. Movies

Time melts away for Dominique.

She mutes everything. Plugs her phone in far away from her and buries herself under the blankets.

Mom comes under, too. She’s just here. Doesn’t try to talk. Doesn’t try to make things better. She understands that nothing _can_ make this better. She’s gonna be unconscious while the biggest ass at UCSD looks at her body. She’ll be vulnerable. Taking what little healthy skin she’s got and patching up her tear. From the worst possible location.

There’s nothing anybody can say that will make this okay.

She can’t eat, but Mom coaxes water into her. She loses the entire day scrolling through all her social media accounts.

Mom leaves once, and Dominique thinks it might be for good. She’s surprised when she comes back up the ladder, in sweats, all ready to sleep over.

“Come on. Your turn, babe…” Mom encourages, making sure she gets out of bed to take care of her lotioning and rebandage her damn tear.

Once she finally comes out of the bathroom, Dominique finally decides to turn up her phone. She needs the distraction.

She finds several messages from Fran:

**_Fran:_ **

_It is Mom time r u coming?_

**_Fran:_ **

_Mari said you were._

**_Fran:_ **

_Did you fall asleep?_

The texts are all time stamped just after 7:30 PM. It’s been three hours.

Oh, God.

She totally forgot.

\--

It’s 10:30 Monday night before Mari hears anything from Dominique. 

**_Dominique:_ **

_Sorry. Can’t tonight._

**_Mariana:_ **

_What happened? You said yesterday you were on for tonight w/ Moms. Are you okay?_

**_Dominique:_ **

_Bad day._

**_Mariana:_ **

_Need to talk? Need someone?_

**_Dominique:_ **

_Mom’s here._

**_Mariana:_ **

_If you ever wanna share, we’re here, too._

Mariana stares up at their ceiling, nowhere close to ready to sleep. She keeps thinking about the time with Moms tonight...she can see it in front of her eyes, unfolding, like it’s happening right now...

\--

The time edges toward 7:30 and Fran cradles the tablet, poking it to life.

“Should I call her?” Fran asks.

“No,” Mari shakes her head. “I checked yesterday. She said she’d be here.”

“And Dominique always keeps her promises,” Fran says nodding to herself.

But 7:30 comes, and Moms are here before Dominique.

“Should we wait a few minutes?” Lena asks.

Mari and Fran glance at each other. Nod.

But five minutes pass. Then ten. Fran’s playing Cookie Land on her phone. Mariana’s checking Facebook. There’s a status update from yesterday and a baking video of lemon bars that Dom posted an hour ago.

Nothing that would raise alarm.

“How do you wanna handle this?” Stef asks.

Mari and Fran look at each other. Mariana’s annoyed. Why is it on them to figure out what to do? She can think of things Mom could do right away: email whoever at NAU. Ask for advice. Get a backup person themselves. 

Mariana sighs, resigned.

She should be used to this. She _is_ used to this. Having to take on responsibility for a situation, whatever it is. Having to figure out how to handle it. What exactly to do to make sure they’re the safest they can be. Mari’s been doing that since she was three years old. Keeping the people around her safe and alive.

She texts Levi. She wouldn’t do it usually. She knows how he feels about their moms. But they’re stuck, and Avoiders come through for each other when they’re stuck.

**_Mariana:_ **

_Hey._

**_Levi:_ **

_God, I’m so glad to hear from you. I had a horrible day [sad emoji]_

Mariana deletes her unsent text: _Could you be here for Mom time tonight?_

She can’t ask him now. They’ll be okay. They’ll figure something out.

**_Mariana:_ **

_Are you okay?_

**_Levi:_ **

_Panic attack at work [sad emoji] Mom was there shopping luckily._

“Mariana?” Fran whispers. “What should we do? I don’t think Dominique’s coming.”

**_Mariana:_ **

_[heart emojis] Talk later. Promise._

Mariana puts her phone facedown on the table. “Let’s just do it. We’ll be okay,” she urges, nodding at Fran. (The last thing Mari wants to do is waste Moms’ time.)

“If you’re sure,” Stef nods.

And, like, what choice do they have, really? Mariana did the usual touching base with Dominique. She even tried to find someone to fill in. They can talk to Moms on their own. They do it the other twenty three hours in the day.

“It’s fine,” Mari nods, encouraging Fran.

Even though it’s not. Mari still feels raw as hell from her session with Nadiya this morning. And Lena keeps dropping in that she’s here to listen “about anything,” if Mari wants to talk. Fran’s session with Dr. H. isn’t until Thursday, and Fran could really use it.

This will have to be fine. That’s what Mari means to say. They have no other choice.

“So…” Stef says. “What do you two…? I mean, what’s on your minds?”

Fran’s all clammed up, holding Mari’s hand under the table.

The silence makes it even harder for Mari to think, let alone speak. The awkwardness persists for another horrible five minutes. All of them just stare at each other, like they don’t know each other. Like they don’t know what the hell to do.

And they don’t.

\--

Stef regards Fran’s anxious face. Mari seems withdrawn and resigned. 

They clearly are not at the point yet where Mariana and Francesca feel comfortable talking to them without their safe people. (And she remembers from the workshop that she and Lena shouldn’t be encouraging them away from safe options.)

Still, they can’t give up. She and Lena have to do something to show the kids they want to spend time with them.

Her mind spins back to their previous life, with just Brandon, Mariana and Jesus. That brief window of stability after the twins were adopted the summer after third grade. They’d fallen into a comfortable routine. Family movie night, where the kids rotated choosing the movie. (All their favorites are still on the shelf of dusty DVDs:

_Shrek the Third_ \- Brandon’s favorite.

_High School Musical_ \- Mariana’s favorite.

And of course, _The-Pacifier_ -with-Vin-Diesel - Jesus’s favorite. (God, he’d been so cute. Always saying it just like that.)

“You know what? It’s okay if nobody’s comfortable talking yet…” Stef says, taking the lead. “What do you say, we have some ice cream and watch a movie together?”

Fran and Mari look at each other.

“Okay…” they say, hesitant.

“What movie?” Fran asks.

“Well, what movie do you both want to watch?” Stef offers, as Lena strikes off to the kitchen for ice cream.

Mari and Fran either have no idea what movie they’d like to see, or they’re holding back, because it takes ages for them to pick something.

Stef hears Mari whisper to Fran, “Let’s just watch an episode of something. What show do you want?”

Fran shrugs. “What do you guys want?” she asks, turning to them.

“Nope, this is your time. You and Mari get to choose,” Lena encourages, with a smile. “What about… Do you still like _Frozen_?”

Fran slides a look at Mari. “We were thinking maybe just of a show…” she mumbles.

But then Stef and Lena sit there as Mariana pages through the Kids TV section of Netflix, without settling on anything.

“ _High School Musical_?” Stef asks, sending a kind smile Mari’s way, but she shakes her head.

“Ooh, there’s _High School Musical the series_ on DisneyPlus!” Fran says, as excited as Stef has ever heard her.

“Yeah, I guess we’ll have to cave and get that, what with the baby coming,” Stef says. “And since there’s a show on it that you like, too, Fran.”

“I already asked for it. Everybody’s had it forever. You said we wouldn’t use it. But now because of the baby, we can?” Fran pouts.

“Honey, it’s not personal,” Lena says, handing them both orange and cream ice cream bars. Mari shakes her head. “Right. No dairy. Stef, ice cream?”

Stef nods, taking it from Lena and getting up to find Mariana the Ben and Jerry’s dairy free “Milk” and Cookies pint in the freezer. “Fran, it just makes more sense to get DisneyPlus if there are more people that are going to use it. There are a lot of people in this family.”

“Right, and it’s a waste of money to get something just I want…” Fran complains. Luckily, she seems satisfied by the orange and cream popsicle.

“Let’s see if we can get it now,” Stef says, wanting to avoid a big emotional scene. She clicks through the prompts easily, and then finds High School Musical the series. And hits play.

They all sit silently and watch.

When the show’s over, Mariana stands with Fran and she makes sure they throw away their own garbage. Mari whispers to Fran and Fran says, “Thank you for DisneyPlus…” She seems less upset now.

“You’re welcome,” Stef says, surprised.

“And thanks,” Mari adds, holding up the pint of non-dairy ice cream she made a dent in tonight. “For remembering, and…not making it a thing…”

“Of course, love,” Stef says. “Goodnight. See you in the morning.”

“Night,” They say back.

It’s not until they’re out of sight that it hits Stef. She sent Mari and Fran off to bed the same way she used to when Mari and Jesus first moved in. 

They’d been strangers then. So, it would’ve been too familiar for she and Lena to offer hugs, kisses and ‘I love yous.’ So, ‘Good night. See you in the morning,’ had taken its place.

Maybe Stef will eventually be at a place where she’ll feel comfortable saying what she feels.

Because she does love Mari and Fran.

And they deserve to know it.

“Honey?” Lena says, coming over and kissing her. “We need to get ready for Jesus. Pablo’s going to be there, so we can’t be late.”

“Right,” Stef says, groaning as she gets out of her chair in front of the TV. They head for the bedroom, where they’ll have privacy, and close the door.

Stef thinks they might finally be getting the hang of this.

\--

It's not until hours later (thanks to the DisneyPlus show) that Mariana's able to check in with Levi. She knows Levi's history with panic at the grocery store. She can't handle the idea that she might leave him hanging now.

"Hey...are you okay?" she asks, via video chat the second that he answers. (It's not her preferred method of communication, but she needs to see his face right now. See how he looks. If he's really okay? "Was she there?"

"No. Just...literal peanut butter cookies. The ones she made all the time. The ones from..." he trails off.

Mariana knows his background with these cookies. How Pearl's mom baked them. How Levi had eaten them the day he and his dad stopped by to see Pearl...the day her mom ended up hurting Levi.

"God..." Mariana manages. "You're not okay..."

"Not really...but, kinda?" he admits. "Mom was shopping...and I was on a break so she took me out to the car, and sat with me? And then she hung out at the store the rest of my shift. We went to her house and made this new pie...and did that puzzle Dom sent to Pearl. It was nice...just...awful..." Levi tries to explain.

"Yeah," Mariana sighs, understanding.

"How was the thing with your moms tonight?" Levi asks.

"We...watched a movie... I mean...a show, or whatever," Mariana manages.

"That's not a check-in..." Levi points out. Mariana loves that he's judging them right now. She can always trust him to not cut Moms any slack. It's so affirming. Makes her feel like her life is worth something.

"I know," Mariana nods. "Anyway, I'm glad your mom was there for you...and that you had a good day... Aw, hey Panther," Mariana greets, seeing the Great Dane's adorable face. "Is she happy we're coming?"

"You know she can't wait," Levi says, scratching Panther behind the ears. He looks at her meaningfully. "I can't wait either," he says, looking at her in a way that makes Mariana blush.

"I love...the railing..." Mariana manages, referencing the handrail Levi and Jesus installed on their front steps in October.

"Railings are amazing," Levi says, staring deep into her eyes. 

She feels like he can see into her soul.

"I...should go..." Mariana manages.

"See you soon," Levi says.

"Not soon enough," Mariana says back, as the screen goes black.


	14. Support

It’s Tuesday, and Rosa knows that she’s due to check in on Mariana (and Stef and Lena). But first, she needs to make sure she’s okay. Of the 30 sets of parents who came to the workshop, Stef and Lena, by far, require the most follow up. Other disabled speakers stay in touch with the people they met on Family Day, usually the kids. But it is rarely this extensive.

Rosa knows that she, Olivia and Pablo (and even Ollie recently) have taken on a lot with this family. They need to be sure they’re checking in on each other.

And there’s one place for that:

Koa made them a Zoom lobby - a place where everybody from the workshop has access and can pop in from wherever they are and find someone in there to talk to.

They call it the lobby for short and Rosa regularly signs in, gets set and then covers her eyes with whatever she has handy. No one minds.

It’s live, and it’s always open. 

Today, Rosa ventures in, and finds her old friend Roman there. She catches a glimpse of him (towel over his eyes) before she covers her own.

“Hey. It’s Rosa,” she says.

“Hey,” he says back.

For a while, they just enjoy the silence. Then, she says, “Parents are freaking exhausting.”

“Nira tells me often,” Roman remarks dryly.

Rosa smirks. “I mean, the nondisabled ones...who need their hands held...and don’t take initiative…”

“I’m getting a sense that I know who you mean…” Roman jokes, laughing a little. “Certain ableist parents you were matched with?”

“Yeah...them…” Rosa grumbles. “Thank God none of this is free labor, or I’d quit. I may quit anyway…”

“That bad?” Roman asks.

“No. I mean, I’d never quit. I can’t leave Mariana to deal with them alone,” Rosa admits.

“That’s the trouble, isn’t it?” Roman asks. “The kids...they...have that effect. It was like that with Nira.”

“She changed you,” Rosa says fondly.

“Hopefully for the better,” Roman ventures.

“Roman,” Rosa exclaims, soft. “Of course, for the better.”

“Hey,” a new voice says. Rosa recognizes Ollie, who regularly joins and then carries on with his day, bringing the lobby along with him on his phone, but not looking at the screen.

“Hey, Ollie,” she says.

“I gotta head out,” Roman says as his watch beeps.

“Cool. See ya,” Ollie says.

“Hey,” Olivia’s voice joins too. “You didn’t say we were talking to Rosa.”

“That’s ‘cause we weren’t, I was,” Ollie teases.

“Oh. I can come back…” Olivia responds, chastised.

“Nah, stay,” Ollie urges.

“Are you guys good if I see if Pablo can come in here for a sec?” Rosa asks. “Maybe we can talk about what’s been going on? In life? Or...work…”

“Yeah, call him,” Ollie nods.

“Oh my God, you guys. Stef and Lena… They’re like...I don’t know what they are…” Pablo blurts.

“Exhausting?” Rosa offers.

“They are,” Pablo says. “So exhausting, I can’t believe it. To them, it’s like the contract is brand new. They’re so awkward with Jesus…”

“And Mari and Fran…” Ollie offers.

“Oh yeah, Ollie how did that go?” Rosa asks.

“They… They don’t really have patience for them? The whole feel of it was like ‘Hurry up, let’s get this done.’ They would have left Mariana in the dust a lot if I wasn’t there.”

“How so?” Rosa checks.

“They talk so damn fast… I could barely keep up...and they kept trying to steamroll Francesca about her feelings.”

“Olivia?” Rosa checks.

“I’m scared to make any waves with them?” she admits. “Scared if I do, they’ll say we can’t talk to Fran anymore. And if any kids need us, guys, it’s Fran and Mari and Jesus.”

“I know the feeling,” Rosa says. “But I refuse to cater to their parents. I refuse to let them bully me. Mariana’s an adult. But I get your fear for Fran. She’s still a minor. Listen, I’ll always talk to you about work stuff. You know that. But what about life stuff? How’s that going?” Rosa asks.

She can hear it, as everybody relaxes. It’s been such a rare opportunity, cumulatively, for them to have the chance to freely talk about what’s going on in their lives with others who get it.

Rosa gets comfortable, and listens, glad Koa knows how to do whatever’s necessary to cordon off the lobby and make it into mini-lobbies - each private as a break room - for smaller groups and one on one conversations. So that allowed she, Ollie and Olivia and Pablo to relocate and be real with each other, without taking over the main lobby.

Her phone buzzes and Rosa glances down. Mariana’s in her Twitter DMs. Their moms did a half-assed job of meeting with them last night, too, it seems, since something came up for the safe person on schedule.

Funny (but not really), how Rosa has yet to hear from Stef or Lena about this development.

Rosa quickly sends the eyeballs emoji, to let Mari know she’s seen her message.

Then she tries to tune back into Ollie’s struggles at his current job - which is nowhere close to what he used to do - and is taking some getting used to. Olivia’s trying to find a job. And Pablo’s just plain lonely. Rosa holds back on her own issues, thanks to years of masking around her parents.

Ever since the workshop, she’s felt fatigued. She hasn’t been able to fully recuperate as she has in the past. She still feels weighed down by exhaustion. She needs rest, but there’s no time. And her regular job is full of assholes who claim the ADA has already given her everything she needs and she shouldn’t be so demanding.

Still, it’s good to be among friends, who get it.

\--

Jaimie’s been sitting with Dominique since yesterday. She knows she has a work trip coming up at the end of the month, but she can afford to take some sudden vacation time now, to be there for her daughter. 

Her trip will be the weekend before Dom’s surgery. Friday through Sunday, with Jaimie returning home the night before Dom’s surgery. Not ideal, but it’ll work. She can request that coming week off. Her job is flexible. Especially since Jaimie’s been at the top of her field there for years. She’s made herself indispensable. 

Now, though, she checks her calendar again. Tuesday night. It’s Jaimie’s night to sit with Mari and Fran while they speak to their moms. Jaimie doesn’t feel comfortable leaving Dominique, especially knowing what she’s dealing with...all it brings up. Jaimie knows Dom has her person, Lena, here at the apartments, but Lena’s got other people to see, too.

Dominique is Jaimie’s only person. And she has it on good authority that she’s the only person Dominique wants at her side now.

Lena stops in for a bit and coaxes Dominique to the living room couch, warning her up some of her favorite barbecue chicken pizza. So, Jaimie checks with Dom before stepping away. “I gotta make a phone call. Are you alright here with Lena while I do that?”

“Yeah. Go,” Dominique nods, as Roberta curls into Dominique’s lap. Her tail flicks back and forth as she tracks Lena’s progress with the pizza.

“Don’t feed that cat any pizza,” Jaimie warns with a smile.

“She gets hungry,” Dominique objects.

“That cat has not missed one meal in her life,” Jaimie laughs. 

“Pizza’s for you, Dom. Not Roberta,” Lena concurs.

“Roberta hates you both,” Dominique decides, but she’s smiling a little.

It’s seeing this, that leaves Jaimie at ease enough to leave her.

Outside, she looks around for Jesus and Dudley before she calls the other Lena, bracing herself.

“ _ Hi. You’ve reached Lena Adams Foster. I can’t take your call right now but leave your name and number and I’ll get back to you as soon as I can… _ ”

Jaimie makes a face. She knows what happens if she tries to leave messages with either one of them. They sit unanswered, or they return them when they’re irrelevant. And she knows, if she can’t get Lena, she’s definitely not gonna get Stef.

It’s frustrating as hell that Jaimie can’t count on Stef or Lena to do their damn jobs as mothers. But at least she’s married to a man who’s the best damn father, next to Jaimie’s own.

“Hey, babe?” she asks, when she hears Michael pick up. 

“Hey. How’s she doing?” he asks, concerned.

“She’s up. About to eat something,” Jaimie says. “Listen, I know you’re up to be there for Mari and Fran when they talk to their parents tomorrow night....but I…”

“You don’t wanna leave Dom, and you’re hoping I’ll pitch a double-header,” Michael fills in. She can feel warmth spread through her at the sound of his voice. 

“God, I love it when you talk baseball to me…” Jaimie manages. “Yeah. Could you? I tried to reach their moms and no luck, so…”

“So, it’s up to us to make sure their kids are safe,” Michael fills in seriously.

“Pretty much. I don’t know what went on last night, babe. I wasn’t thinking about my calendar, and I just saw it was Dom’s night last night. I know she wasn’t able to swing it. So maybe talk to the kids? Make sure it went alright?”

“Love you. And I got this. Don’t worry. You take care of our girl. I’ll take care of her friends.”

God, she loves her husband. “Love you.” She says, before hanging up.

\--

It’s Wednesday afternoon before Jesus gets up the courage to talk to Mari. He hates being this needy. At the same time he knows, he’s not being needy, he’s being human. It’s human to have needs. To need answers.

She’s hanging out at his place, watching the billionth baking challenge on Netflix when he pauses it and asks. “What’d I do wrong?”

“When?” Mari asks.

“Nice,” Jesus says, cracking a smile.

“No,” she laughs a little. “I just mean...it’s pretty vague, Jesus.”

“Like...I used to be your Sunday person...and now...you got Oliver… I guess… Did I mess up? Let you guys down?”

Mariana sighs. “No. It’s not that. It’s… They weren’t listening to any of us, Jesus. You’ve said they’ve been sucking at checking in with you, too, right?”

“Right,” he nods. “Just kinda feels like I’m the junk bucket, and you guys wanted to upgrade to a Lamborghini....”

“No...we didn’t… It’s not an upgrade. It’s making sure they don’t drive you through a hailstorm with the top down or something,” Mariana manages. “We want you safe...in the garage of life…” She holds his hand, squeezing a little.

“Oh my God…” Jesus laughs gently, leaning against her. “Your car metaphors are the best.” He wipes his eyes. “So, I didn’t…let you guys down?”

“No,” Mariana says firmly. “They did, but not you.”

“You okay?” he checks.

“Something’s up with Dominique,” Mariana says. “Have you heard from her?”

“No, not this week…” Jesus comments, worried. “I’ll check in with her,” he says, sending a text:

**_Jesus:_ **

_ Hey. Here if you need me. We’re not forgetting abt u. And no one’s mad. _

“Moms tried to do movie night with us Monday…” Mariana scoffs.

“Movie night’s Friday,” Jesus objects.

“They asked if I wanted to watch _ High School Musical _ …” Mariana passes along rolling her eyes. “And if Fran still liked  _ Frozen _ … It’s like...after we were kids?”

“They stopped caring what we liked…” Jesus finishes. He leans into her, bumping her arm with his. “So...come on… Tell me the rest..”

“The rest of what?” Mariana laughs.

“Then you told Moms, ‘Hell no,’ to  _ High School Musical _ ...because you wanted to watch  _ The Pacifier  _ with Vin Diesel. Right?” he grins.

“Oh, my God,” Mariana laughs again. “You wish.”

“I really do,” he says.


	15. Feelings

It feels like Francesca has waited years to come see Dr. H. again. 

She didn’t used to love coming here at all. Because Dr. H. felt like a stranger, but now, she feels more comfortable. Like an Avoider, almost. Or, maybe like Mrs. Smith, Giselle’s mom.

Oh, gosh. Dr. H. doesn’t even know about her great visit to meet Giselle yet.

When it’s time, Fran bounds into the office and sits hard in the squishy leather chair, “Oh my goodness, I missed this chair more than anything in life,” she sighs, relaxing into it.

“Hi, Francesca,” Dr. H. greets with a warm smile. “Nice to see you again.”

“I’m brave enough to come in by myself now,” Fran points out.

“Wow. I hear that you’re proud of yourself,” Dr. H. beams. “I know it’s taken some hard work for you to feel comfortable around me. And it’s been a long time since we’ve seen each other. So, I want you to pick something from one of the baskets that you like. And then tell me about it.”

“Give you all the boring details?” Fran guesses.

“Yes, please. Give me all the boring details,” Dr. H. says.

Fran picks out some green slime. “This is...green. It smells like apples. It’s smooth. It’s stretchy. It’s wet, but not too wet. It doesn’t stick to hands but it sticks to clothing and your hair,” Fran observes, feeling hypnotized by the smoothness. She tries to get it to windowpane stage like when the bakers on that British baking show make bread. She stretches it gently until the light starts coming through it.

“Thank you for all those details.” Dr. H. says.

“Mm-hmm,” Fran nods, looking at the slime.

“And we’re going to pause, and take some deep breaths, now. Keep looking at the slime. And breathe slowly...in...and out…”

They do that for a while. By now, Fran is lying sideways in the chair. It’s too big for her to try sitting in the regular way. She slides on the leather. So, instead, she’s adapting with her head on an armrest, and her legs over the other armrest. The middle of her is in the middle of the chair where it dips down.

“You always start exactly the same…” Fran says, after a minute of breathing.

“Yes,” Dr. H. says. They breathe some more.

“School starts the same every day,” Fran comments. “I like this better, though.”

“I hear you saying you like coming to talk to me better than school, even though both start in predictable ways,” Dr. H. says. “Why do you think you prefer here?”

“Because it’s easy. I can do it. School is hard,” Fran says, still looking at the slime.

“School is hard, but in here with me, it’s easy. I see. You know, sometimes, I may ask you to do hard things, but not without my help,” Dr. H. says.

“That’s just what Jesus and Mariana say,” Fran smiles a little. 

She puts the slime away. Her favorite is watching it slurp back into the container, like it’s alive. 

“What would you like to talk about today?” Dr. H. says.

Fran feels suddenly shy, like everything she has to say might be silly. “I don’t know.” 

“How were your holidays? Last time, you were quite excited about going with Jesus to meet his teacher and her daughter. How was that?”

Fran perks up. “It was good. Mrs. Smith is Jesus’s teacher’s name. And her daughter’s name is Giselle. She’s nine. So I’m older than her. She likes Netflix and coloring and turtles, I guess, because she gave me a turtle as a Christmas present. It’s a stuffed one--”

“I hear that you’re very excited about meeting Giselle. But let’s try pausing between sentences. Just to breathe,” Dr. H. encourages.

Fran knows that’s because she talks until she runs out of breath, so the breathing happens in weird places. Like the middle of words.

“You can keep going,” Dr. H. encourages. “What’s one thing you did together?”

“We made cookies together?” Fran offers, like it might be the wrong answer.

“You made cookies together. Make sure and get a nice deep breath here. What kind of cookies did you make?”

“Well, we didn’t make them, we decorated them, they were Christmas cookies and--”

“You didn’t make them. Okay. That means they were baked before you arrived? ...Nice deep breath here… And let me ask you… What did the house smell like when you arrived? What kind of cookies, Francesca?”

Fran takes a deep breath. “Sugar cookies.”

“I love sugar cookies,” Dr. H. smiles. She takes a deep breath and Fran takes one too, even though it feels like way too much breathing.

“I heard you say you decorated the sugar cookies. How did you decorate them?” Dr. H. asks.

“With frosting,” Fran pauses. “I wanted to do a sloth, but there weren’t any… So I did a reindeer.”

“Very nice pausing,” Dr. H. praises. “You were telling me some facts about Giselle. Things she likes. Are those things you like, as well. Netflix and coloring and turtles?”

“Two out of three,” Fran grins a little, shrugging.

“Ah, because you like sloths?” Dr. H. asks kindly.

Fran nods.

“Sounds like you had a very nice time there. What was the best thing about it?” Dr. H. asks.

“That it was just me and Jesus...and that Giselle’s like me. She’s my BFF,” Fran says.

“You like being able to spend one on one time with Jesus very much. And you found a best friend in Giselle because you share common interests…”

“No…” Fran objects. “I mean, yeah. But we don’t just like the same stuff. She’s  _ like _ me.” She repeats it for emphasis. “I’m trying to do the thing where I’m general because of privacy…” 

“Ah, so you two have more in common than just shared interests,” Dr. H. figures out. 

“Mm-hmm,” Fran says.

“Francesca? May I ask you… How was Christmas with your Moms?”

“Way less fun,” Fran says sadly. “Brandon’s getting married and having a baby with Talya.” 

“I see. How do you feel about that?” Dr. H. asks.

Fran shrugs. Everytime she says how she feels, someone says she shouldn’t feel it. Except Oliver. Because he understands her feelings.

“You can be honest in here, Francesca. Or you can say ‘Not comfortable’ if you’re not comfortable.”

“I know...it’s just...Moms keep saying, like, my feelings are wrong. That makes me not wanna tell anyone else. But...it’s like… When they found out? Stef said, ‘I love him already,’ about the baby. And last time, on her birthday, I heard her tell her best friend she didn’t want me.”

“Oh. I can see why that would be hard. You learned your mom’s reaction to you coming was that she didn’t want you, but she already loves this new baby.”

“Because it’s Brandon’s, I bet…” Fran comments darkly.

“You think your mom loves this new baby already because it’s Brandon’s?”

“Well, yeah. Brandon’s her biological kid. So Baby Claw is gonna be his biological kid. It all goes together,” Fran explains.

Dr. H. looks surprised. “I’m sorry, did you say...Baby Claw?”

“Oh yeah, they’re naming him Talon,” Fran shrugs. “Which means claw.”

“I see. And you feel like your mom’s love for baby Talon is because he’s her biological grandson?”

“And I’m not her biological anything.” Fran sighs. “She says she’s sorry. One of the workshop people tried to explain that when she said the thing about not wanting me, it stays stuck in my head, so I hear it all the time. But I don’t think she really gets what it’s like. Because she’s not adopted. So even if her parents said not-nice stuff to her, she’d probably still know they loved her.”

“It sounds like your feelings are very hurt by your mom’s reaction,” Dr. H. says. “And it can be very difficult when parents don’t share their child’s identity. As you said, your mother’s not adopted.”

Fran nods. “And he’s making us promise not to tell Moms they just did a fake engagement and pregnancy announcement thing, so Moms won’t feel left out.”

“Brandon?” Dr. H. guesses.

Fran nods. “And Jesus and Mariana told me not to keep secrets, because that’s dangerous. But Brandon said it’s not a dangerous secret, even though he got kind of mean when he thought I might tell.”

“How do you feel about keeping the secret?” Dr. H. asks.

“Scared, I think… What if I accidentally ruin it and tell them? What will they do?”

“Are you afraid they’ll hurt you?” Dr. H. asks.

“Not exactly,” Fran hedges, even though she definitely is. “Also, Talya asked Callie to be in the wedding, and Brandon asked Jude to. But nobody asked me to be the flower girl.”

“Do you want to say more about that?” Dr. H. asks.

“It’s because I have CP,” Fran says flatly.

“Did you hear this from Talya?” Dr. H. wonders.

“No, but she doesn’t have any sisters or cousins. Jude said she’s just asking some girl she used to babysit for. But you’re supposed to ask family, right? So, even if she doesn’t have people to ask, she should have asked me. I’m a girl, and all the other parts in a wedding, practically, are for grownups.”

“I hear you saying that Talya has left you out of the wedding party because of your disability, because she doesn’t have any family the right age, and because she didn’t ask you, even though you are the right age. Does that sound accurate?”

Fran nods, miserable.

“Can I ask… Does your family know how you feel?” Dr. H. asks gently.

“Practically. Mom just said Talya was just looking out for me or something, but that’s not true. Because I know - even when people don’t say it - I know how it feels to be left out because of CP.”

“I believe you,” Dr. H. says. “You’re the only one with CP in this room, Francesca. So it’s not my place to judge your feelings. Do you have anybody you can talk to about your feelings about this? Somebody in your community, perhaps?”

Fran thinks of Giselle. Of Nico.

“I’m just not used to having friends like me… It makes me feel happy...but also...kind of like..scared.”

“Why do you feel scared?” Dr. H. wonders.

“Because… Moms, they… They’ve always said I’m just like everyone else… They never wanted me to hang out with kids with disabilities. I don’t even know if they know…” Fran stops herself. She’s almost just told Dr. H. accidentally that Giselle has CP. “Well, my first friend with CP? They wouldn’t let me play at his house.”

“I hear you telling me about your mothers’ feelings. Are you saying you’re nervous to defy them by having disabled friends?” Dr. H. asks.

“I’m embarrassed... “ Fran whispers. “‘Cause I try so hard to fit in, so nobody will even know I’m different. But if I hang out with them? It’s like...obvious. And people will treat me bad like they treat them.”

“When you’re with your friends with CP, you feel embarrassed?” Dr. H. asks.

Fran’s face is hot. “Yes, and lucky. Because I can walk and they...like...need stuff to move around. Ugh, now I sound just like the judgey kids in my school. But I know, Dr. H., because we read a book last year about a girl with so much CP. She got treated so bad, and all the kids in my class felt bad for her and stuff. My teacher thought it was great, even though the main character got treated wrong the whole time…”

“Francesca. It’s not wrong to seek out your community. Especially when you have feelings about not fitting in that are related. The people who will understand those feelings are the ones you’re talking about, who have CP, too. You were excited to meet your friends with CP and talk to them, correct?”

“Yeah, but we didn’t talk about CP…” Fran objects. “We just understood each other.”

“I’d like to encourage you...whenever you feel comfortable...to try talking to one of your friends with CP about being left out. Think about how you’re able to talk to the other Avoiders. They listen. They understand.”

“That’s my homework?” Fran asks.

“That’s your homework,” Dr. H. nods.

“You don’t think I’m the worst, do you?” Francesca asks.

“Not even close. I think you’re doing such hard work here. Feelings are complex, and talking about them is not easy. You’re doing the best you can. Thank you for trusting me.” Dr. H. says.

“Okay,” Fran waves a little. “Bye.”


	16. Disclosure

It’s been a difficult month, no doubt. Pearl had thought that months would get exponentially easier after November, but so far, they’ve each been hard in different ways.

Mostly, it’s been trying to come to terms with this new information about Dad. Why he’d left her. And to find out, it hadn’t really been his choice at all.

Since Carla is not an option if Pearl wants any semblance of a solid answer, Pearl is stuck. She’s been on Pearl’s mind more, what with all the preparations to eventually move. So far, no calls from Supportive Housing - but Jesus and Dominique have warned her as much. Apparently, nothing will happen until it happens. Then, everything will happen. All at once.

The person she really wants to talk to is...well...Dad. And he’s not here anymore, which just brings back that familiar ache. The one that’s lived in her ever since the day she found out that she could have known Dad. That Levi had found Pearl a year before he said he had...while Dad was still alive...but she never knew...and so she never had the chance to know Dad.

None of her friends have known her longer than seven years. And Mom (Nia) is her only connection to a generation beyond her own - one who lives close by. And that still feels fragile, even though, obviously, they have been progressing in their relationship. Pearl can’t very well let all her walls down, knowing she and Levi are going to be moving to California. That Nia’s planning to stay behind. She claims she’ll be fine. She’s got people here, roots. But Pearl knows Levi’s concerned to leave her behind.

Pearl is, too.

Her mind is spinning. She’s been irritable ever since she found the tiny earrings that Carla gave her. Pearl had been thirteen. And Mom had made a big show of hiding them in an ornament and then presenting them to her, while insisting that they were real diamonds. Pearl had known by the glint in Mom’s eye that they were. Tiny ones - microscopic really - but still.

Pearl had never worn them once, terrified she might lose them. She’d had no idea what happened to them, until she found the ornament (frighteningly) tucked away with other ornaments from her childhood. 

God, she can’t imagine what Carla would have done if she found out...and she can’t think of Carla without thinking of the new information Pearl’s learned about her. Which, somehow, changes nothing and everything at once.

It’s just...what Pearl wouldn’t give for someone somewhere to talk things through with. Someone with more life experience than she has. But she’s the oldest of her friends. The one Fran jokingly called “Mrs. West,” because of her age. (She’s only 38! But God. Right now, she feels ancient, surrounded by friends in their twenties, a teenage little brother and an eleven-year-old...) She loves them all dearly...she just...needs older people.

And Pearl feels like she’s bothered Nia enough.

Levi’s been a little quiet lately, but ever since having pie and doing the puzzle together, he’s seemed a little better.

She’s about to video call Levi when her phone rings. It’s Dominique.

“Hey! God, I’ve missed you. How are you?” Pearl says honestly.

“Hey,” Dominique says, and Pearl is instantly concerned. 

Just the soft, low tone, the depression she can feel, is enough to have Pearl wishing she still was basically living in Dominique’s apartment and could just walk to the next room to check on her.

“What’s wrong?” Pearl asks. 

“Nothing...just… Can you take over for me tonight? I’m on as Mariana and Fran’s person, and I already dropped that ball once. I’ve also enlisted my parents as backup more often than I…” Dominique trails off abruptly, seeming lost in thought.

“Dominique?” Pearl says. “I can definitely fill in… Are you sure there’s nothing you need?” she presses.

“Talk to me?” Dominique begs. “About anything. About whatever’s going on. I need not to think about myself right now. ...And I...I need to hear something real from somebody, if I have a prayer of ever telling any of y’all what’s going on…”

Pearl’s stomach clenches.

She breathes. “Alright. Well, my life is kind of a mess. I’m walking on eggshells because I know that I’ll have to deal with my mother eventually (what with moving and the cabin and all…), and that’s not something I’m looking forward to. For more than just the usual reasons.”

“She’s not in touch, is she?” Dom asks, quiet.

“Yes and no. I mean, no. She isn’t. But Nia gave me some new information that feels like she has been…”

“You okay?” Dom checks.

“Are  _ you _ ?” Pearl asks dryly.

“No,” Dominique says.

“Me neither. So… I don’t know if you’re up for this. The last person I told...apparently...wasn’t. And I haven’t even told Levi yet, which he hasn’t let me forget.” Pearl scopes out the living room and the entire upstairs before discerning that Levi’s still in his room.

“Do you  _ want _ to tell anyone? Dominique persists.

“I do… Very much,” Pearl admits. “I just...I keep thinking of how much I’d love an older adult here, who could help me make sense of this…”

“Well, I know I’m not older...but I am here,” Dominique comments quietly.

“Nia told me, on Christmas night, that the reason my dad left me behind was that she...Carla...put a knife to my throat when he tried to take me. I was sleeping. I never knew…” Pearl shudders. “And it turned out to be wildly wrong to tell Jesus...because...well...that’s his business… But suffice it to say, I don’t want to trigger my friends.”

“What about you?” Dominique asks. 

“I was four...and asleep. I don’t even remember it…” Pearl maintains.

“Maybe not...but sometimes it doesn’t sink in right away. If you wanna talk more, I’m here,” Dominique says.

“I don’t...really know what to say… Nia says that’s the reason. That Dad was apparently preparing to take me and run...but he never got the chance. That was why.” Her throat burns. Her nose, too. Pearl swallows the sob.

“That seriously sucks,” Dominique says.

“He wanted to save my life…” Pearl manages on a ragged breath. “But I can’t help thinking...he could have  _ stayed _ with me. Not that I wanted him to be miserable in the marriage with her...but…”

“But you would’ve had your dad in your life…” Dominique fills in.

“And I hate being mad at him. Because I know he was such a good dad to Levi...but like...I don’t know…” Pearl manages. She takes a steadying breath. “So, obviously, I can’t talk to Levi about this. Even though I probably should...it just...it involves Carla, and she’s hurt him enough.”

“And it involves y’all’s dad…” Dominique fills in, knowing. “Listen, I love you both. But you don’t owe Levi your truth, just because he’s your family. You have the right to keep something to yourself…”

“What are you keeping to  _ your _ self?” Pearl presses, her voice gentle.

Dominique sighs.

“Listen, like you said, you don’t owe us an explanation just because we’re chosen family...but Dominique….if something’s going on? Which, judging by your voice and the fact that you haven’t been able to be there for Mari and Fran, seems plausible? Then, you can talk to me.”

Dominique blows out a breath. “I’m telling you this because you are the farthest away. And because you’re the closest thing I got to a big sister… I’m telling  _ you _ this. Just you. Not Levi. Not Fran or Mariana or Jesus.”

“Got it. My lips are sealed,” Pearl promises.

“Right after the New Year… I found out I’m gonna need another surgery… Nothing big… I mean, it’s common with burns and all...but…”

“But it’s surgery,” Pearl says, sympathetic. “That sounds so scary. Do your parents know, at least?”

“Yeah. Mom’s been hanging around quite a bit...and it’s just...there’s more… Remember the awful head of Plastics, who’s been looking at me all beady-eyed since he got here?” Dominique asks.

Pearl’s breath catches. “Oh God. He’s not doing your surgery, is he?”

“Oh, of course he is…” Dominique answers, her voice brittle with false cheer. The act falls away, melting, like papier mache in heat. Her voice, when she speaks next, is hollow. Haunted. Muted: “Do you know how many of them were doctors, Pearl?”

It takes Pearl’s mind exactly three seconds to catch up. To fill in the blanks (there are still so many) to get to the truth. To hear what Dominique is not saying.

“I’m so sorry…” Pearl manages. “I know you don’t...want us to do anything? But can I at least know when? So I can...send you mail or something?”

It seems so small. So frivolous. But she knows, too, that being thought of during difficult times, is no small thing.

“Next week,” Dominique manages. “Please...I don’t want anybody else knowing, Pearl. Jesus, Mari and Fran have the wedding coming up and a lot to deal with, besides. And I know you and Levi got a lot to deal with, too…”

“Dominique? I wanted to know. I want you to tell me these things. Whatever you want me to know. With friends… We’ll always have something going on, right? We’re Avoiders? We all have trauma and life stuff. But we make time for each other. That’s what makes us different from people in the rest of life.” Pearl’s quiet. Then adds. “We love you. You know that, right?”

Dominique sniffs quietly. “I love you, too. I just...hate this… Feels like...my body’s betraying me. And no one gets that.”

“That sounds awful...especially with your history…” Pearl sympathizes.

“I’m scared,” Dominique whispers. “I don’t want him doing my surgery…”

“Be scared,” Pearl responds, serious, knowing just how rare it is for Dominique to feel okay lowering her guard like this. She needs a safe place - and Pearl can be that.

“Mom suggested this...thing...this...patient resume thing? Where I could write out all the information. Not just medical history, but a full picture of who I am, and stating that I need...trauma-informed care? And I get all the ways it could help...but in order for it to do anything, I’d....”

“You’d have to disclose. Everything about yourself,” Pearl knows, without Dominique even needing to finish her thought.

“It sucks...that to have a chance in hell of being treated the way I’d need to? I’d need to also out myself and every single diagnosis I have…maybe even the ones I suspect? You know, everytime your history’s taken it’s like: ‘ _ Have you ever struggled with this? Had any trouble with that? _ ’ I hate the trade-off…”

“That makes so much sense. Does your mom know how you feel?” Pearl asks. 

“She does, and she respects it… I think she just hates being powerless,” Dominique deduces.

“But so do you,” Pearl says, knowing. “And you shouldn’t have to sacrifice your privacy to get your medical needs met in a safe manner.”

“I think I might do it…” Dominique breathes. “Without it, I’d probably just… I don’t wanna think about what would happen… Do you think it’s the right call?”

“I think you’re doing what you have to do to survive a horrible situation,” Pearl says. “I can’t judge that. I can only support you.”

“Thank you,” Dominique manages.

“If you need any help? I’m kind of a pro at resumes… I’ve submitted thousands… On second thought, none of them actually got me jobs. Never mind. I’m the worst possible person to help with this.”

“You’d tell me, though? If I was… I don’t know…making a catastrophic mistake?” Dominique asks.

“Absolutely,” Pearl nods. “Never doubt that. Hey, can I get your address while you’re there?”

“I’ll only be there a few days,” Dominique manages, blowing her nose. “You can just send it here. Thank you, Pearl. And I really might take you up on that resume help.”

She grabs a pen and scribbles  _ 1/24  _ on her hand.

“Okay,” Pearl says. She opens her Google Docs and selects the nicest resume option. Shares it with Dominique via her email address. “Now...which picture would you like to go with?” Pearl asks softly.

Together, they get to work.


	17. Under

The day of surgery, Dominique wakes up with a gut full of dread, the realization hitting her full force: Mom’s not here.

She had a work trip scheduled over the weekend in New York. It was Dominique who told Mom to go, since she was gonna take time off while Dom recovered anyway. She was always back in time. She promised to be here when Dom woke up, to drive her to the hospital. But she’s not.

There’s a knock at the door, and Dominique’s heart lifts. Did Mom make it after all? Dominique goes to the door and checks the peephole. Down goes her heart. Out in the hall stands Mom’s bestie, Roz.

Dominique’s known Roz her whole life. Even calls her “Auntie Roz.” Loves her like family. But that doesn’t mean she wants Roz to see her all vulnerable.

“You’re not Mommy,” Dominique says, pulling open the door. 

“I know...I’m not...I’m sorry…” She opens her arms and Dom goes into them, numbly. “With her flight delayed and all, she sent me in her place. God knows why. There’s only one Jaimie Carter, and I am not it.”

Roz does that. Calls Mom by her maiden name all the time, because they’ve known each other since high school.

“That’s for sure,” Dom mutters.

“Hey…” Roz chides. “Now, I know your Mom said you can’t eat before surgery… But I wanna know...what kind of doughnuts do you like? I’ll have them for you right after.”

“It’s fine,” Dominique waves her off. “Don’t. If I smell food after, I’ll be sick. So…”

“Oh,” Roz says. “Well, I’ll get you something once you’re home. Wait. Don’t tell me. You want a Lemon Magic Cake…”

“What the hell is that?” Dominique grumbles.

“Don’t tell me you never heard of it. Your dad being the baker he is. Oh, my God, why am I offering to bake you anything? Your dad’s probably already doing that…” Roz seems disappointed.

Well, Dom is more disappointed. How the hell is she supposed to get through surgery without her mom? Mom’s support was the only way she survived the first time. Dad spent most of his time in the waiting room, because Dominique was so triggered.

Her phone chimes. Mom has left a million texts and voicemails but Dominique can’t check them, or she’ll start sobbing. And she can’t sob or she won’t be able to get out the door for this damn surgery.

The minutes pass in silence. Dominique gets ready, gets Roberta fresh food and water, and grabs her bag. She sticks a Post-It on Jesus’s door:  _ Gone 1/24 - 1/27ish please feed Roberta or she’ll starve. Thanks. Dominique. _

Dom knows it’s a cop-out. She knows the other Avoiders would be there for her if she let them. Mariana and Fran have experienced surgery. Jesus and Levi even get what it’s like to be touched without consent. And Pearl...understood everything so well…

But none of them have been through this specific thing before. And the only connection she’s got right now to the burn survivors community is one little girl. And Dominique mostly talks to her mom, answering questions. The girl’s shy.

It’s still so early, it’s black outside. At least Auntie Roz is a woman. So she doesn’t have to worry about being driven around in the dark by a dude.

Dominique thinks about Dad. Home, probably up for hours baking. She wants him here, she realizes. She’ll feel too alone if neither one of her parents are there.

Breathing shakily, Dominique dials his number and waits.

“Hey,” he says.

“Will you please come? I know I told you not to but...without Mommy...and if something goes wrong...I just…”

“I’m on the way,” he promises. “Driving right now. Thought I’d do my usual, and hang out in the waiting room. Maybe give the surgeon a talking to, if it’d help.”

Dominique forces out a terrified laugh.

“You got your resume?” Dad asks. “Mom said you did a great job on it.”

“Yeah, I sent it right after we made it,” she nods.

“We?” Dad asks.

“Pearl helped.” Dominique fills in.

“Well, Pearl’s a good one to have in your corner. Any other Avoiders know what’s coming up for you?” he asks gently.

“No. And I don’t want them to, Dad. They’ll just worry. I did leave Jesus a note asking him to feed Roberta, so she doesn’t starve.”

“Did you feed her already?” Dad wonders.

“Yeah,” Dominique admits.

“He got a key? Jesus?” Dad asks.

“Shit. No…” Dominique moans. “Roberta’s gonna freakin’ die and it’s all my fault…”

“Hey. I have a key. I can make sure he gets it. Alright?”

“Thank you,” she pouts. “Tell Mommy I love her? I can’t or I won’t be able to keep going…”

“I’ll tell her. You are gonna come through this, Dom. It’s gonna be okay. Roz is there. I’m gonna be there, making sure that ass of a doctor does what he’s supposed to. I’m gonna make sure Jesus has the key to feed Roberta, so she’ll be fat and happy when you get back to her…”

“Dad…” Dominique sighs. “Roberta’s never happy.”

“Well, at least she’ll be fat then…” Dad fills in.

“You’ll tell Mom...and... _ you _ know,  _ too _ , right?” Dominique hedges, the words  _ I, love  _ and  _ you  _ all letters mixed up and jammed at the base of her throat.

“I do. And we do. To the moon and back,” Dad swallows.

Dominique can’t say bye. She just hangs up.

A video comes in from Pearl via Marco Polo. Showing nothing but the horizon slowly lightening. 

“ _ So...this is a thing Dad used to do...he used to show Levi the sunrise every day on his birthday. He’d pull the sun up over the horizon for him. It was especially meaningful, because Dad started it when Levi was having a hard time… Anyway, I’m no expert, but I’m pretty sure a skill like that is inherited...so… _ ”

Pearl flips the camera so it shows her face, barely lit, and concentrating. Then she flips the camera back. It takes the entire rest of the ride to the hospital. She watches Pearl rise the sun as Roz checks her in.

The color is amazing. Dominique can’t help thinking she’d love to photograph it.

“ _ That… _ ” Pearl says, showing off the fully risen sun, “ _...is a West family specialty. I love you and Cleo loves you. I haven’t told anyone. But I’m here. Please let me know how you are when you can. You’re going to be okay. Okay? I love you. _ ” Pearl says. Beside her, Cleo licks her face.

Dominique wipes her eyes.

Just like she requested, she’s got all women taking care of her. No men in sight. And her anesthesiologist is cool, and promises she won’t have to even lay eyes on Dr. Doan.

“I’ll make sure you’re asleep before he even comes in. I promise…” she reassures.

She imagines Dad blocking the OR doors to keep her safe. At the last second, she tears up, thinking of Mom.

Dom was terrible to not answer any texts. Or calls. God, she wants her phone. But the anesthesiologist does too good a job and Dominique doesn’t have time for another thought before she’s going numb, slowly, and too fast for comfort.

\--

Jesus takes Dudley out, same as usual. He stops short at the sight of a bright orange Post-It note stuck on the back of his door.

Crap. Did Dominique leave a key somewhere and not tell him? Or did she tell him and he forgot? He scopes out around her door, but she doesn’t have a mat or anything outside of it where a key could be hidden.

But...Jesus knows that just because there’s not an obvious place a key could be doesn’t mean one isn’t around here somewhere. Jesus has vague-impressions of Isaac, one of the little boys held with him, and the dream Jesus had in recent years. Isaac, covered in chocolate pudding, urging Jesus to try a billion different keys to unlock him from his chains.

Dudley whines, and Jesus realizes that casing Dominique’s doorway for a key can probably wait. Dudley can’t.

He heads outside, enjoying the bright coldness of the day.

It’s still kinda weird that he doesn’t have to drop Francesca off at school. There’s more space around his apartment for him and Dudley to spread out, but he’d kinda gotten used to it. Kinda liked how squashed in they all were.

It reminded him of being really little - before Stef and Lena - when he and Mari used to be stuck in small places. True, most of them sucked, but it helped, though, because they always had each other.

Jesus checks his pockets, just in case he totally spaced Dominique actually giving him a key that he has on him. But no. Just the Post It. His own wallet and keys. His phone.

He tries Dominique and it goes straight to voicemail:

_ “Hey, it’s me. You know what to do _ , _ ”  _ Dominique’s voice prompts.

“Yeah, hey, Dom. So...I got your note but I don’t have a way in. And I know Val and Lena here...they have keys...but like...IDK if I’d feel comfortable having them let me into your place. I definitely know you wouldn’t. I’ll figure something out. Just...did you give me a key and I spaced it? You know what? I’ll figure it out. Roberta won’t go hungry. P.S. You’ve been really quiet this month. Are you okay? We’re here. Whenever you wanna talk…”

By now, Jesus is back up in their hall. Dudley at his side, he tries the handle. Locked. He feels all the way around the seam of Dominique’s door. Nowhere for a key to even be.

_ Think, Jesus. _ It’s gotta be here somewhere.

From inside, he hears a thump and a loud meow.

Dudley growls.

They can smell each other, Jesus just bets.

“Hey,” he reprimands Dudley.

But he’s concerned. Did Dom mean start feeding Roberta, like, this morning? Is she hungry?

Jesus isn’t about to break into her place, but maybe there is somebody else he can call. Michael’s a morning person.

He scrolls through his contacts and taps Michael’s name. When he picks up, Jesus says. “Hey. I’m trying to reach Dominique, but no luck. She asked me to feed Roberta, but I can’t find a key anywhere, and Roberta sounds hungry.”

“She ate already this morning,” Michael reassures. “I’ll come by before tonight. Dominique said it was cool if you borrowed my key. Cat food’s in a container in the kitchen. Make sure the top’s on well when you’re done, or Roberta will eat herself sick.”

“Is it… Does she eat morning and evening?” Jesus checks.

“Yeah,” Michael says. He sounds distracted.

“Hey, thanks. I’ll let you go. But is… Is Dominique okay? We haven’t heard from her much this month. Not asking you to compromise her privacy but...just...is she okay?” Jesus tries again.

“She will be, yes,” Michael says. “She’s dealing with some personal stuff. But she’ll love knowing you all are in her corner when she’s on the other side of everything…”

“Anything else I can do?” Jesus asks.

“Feed Roberta. Seriously. She was real sad thinking she forgot to give you a key. Didn’t want Roberta going hungry,” Michael says, and Jesus can hear the sad smile in his voice.

“Nobody goes hungry on my watch,” Jesus promises. 

“I’m sure she knows that,” Michael says. “And it’s why she asked you. Take care, Jesus.”

“Bye,” Jesus says, hanging up.

He heads back inside his own place and scrolls through Insta. Stops on a picture of Brandon, Jude and Callie together in tuxes.

Callie’s photo description reads:  _ Adams Foster sibs. Wedding chic. _

He double taps the pic. It’s great. It just...makes him feel kinda empty. The wedding is three weeks out. They keep sharing pics like this. Ones that make it feel like Jesus, Mari and Fran don’t even count as sibs, too.

Like, yeah, he, Mari and Fran are close. They take pics just the three of them - and with The Avoiders and whatever. And maybe Jesus is off base here, but he feels like with actual family events, you include the whole family in some way.

But Brandon still hasn’t asked Jesus to be involved in the wedding at all. And Fran and Mari keep telling Jesus that Talya hasn’t said anything to them either. Moms are parents of the groom, and there’s gonna be a whole dance for them to be in on. 

It brings back memories of Mari’s quinceañera - held on their fifteenth birthday. Mariana got this major party. Jesus...got a skateboard...later, at home. They hadn’t even invited him to the party, assuming it would be too overwhelming for him. He’d hung out at home with Fran...and Grandma Adams.

Hadn’t mattered that he’d been home a year and a half by then, and hadn’t once expressed an interest in skating again. That it was firmly part of who he’d been Before. Jesus had this perfectly good board. And he’d even taken it out to the sidewalk in the days after his birthday, early, before anybody was up.

He’d coasted down the sidewalk, and it felt almost good. Until he turned around, and headed for home...and saw Moms out front clapping and cheering.

God, he’d been so embarrassed. He hated them watching without him knowing.

He’d never skated again after that.

Here in his kitchen, Jesus sighs. So, he guesses this is pretty on-brand for them, but it still stings.

And it makes him feel like an ass, but Jesus can’t wait til B’s wedding is over.


	18. Friends

By the time Dominique’s fully awake, it’s evening again. Auntie Roz is by her bedside.

“Your dad went to pass along his key to your friend, so he could feed Roberta. Don’t worry,” she soothes.

The thought of Jesus, though…the thought of any of the Avoiders is enough to make her face crumble. Tears leak from her eyes. She did everything wrong. It’s so lonely here. Not even like it was when she was a kid, because at least then she knew the nurses. At least then, she had her mom.

“Hey… It’s gonna be alright. Your dad’s back now. He’s just out in the waiting room. You wanna see him?” Auntie Roz asks.

“Mom…” Dominique manages. “Is she here?”

“No, she’s still snowed in…” Auntie Roz comments. “But I promise you, she’s gonna be here as soon as she possibly can. Now, what can I do for my favorite niece?”

Dominique winces in pain. Her arm hurts, yeah, but strangely, nowhere near as much as her ass, which is where they took the giant skin graft from. She hates skin grafts with a passion.

“I miss my friends…” Dominique sobs. “I was starting to trust them more...you know? Share more? And now? Now, I’m here, by myself and it sucks. And I know most of them have had experiences in hospitals...but I just want them here…”

“Okay. So, we’ll get them here,” Auntie Roz insists.

“You can’t,” Dominique insists, still full-on crying. She blames the anesthesia. The trauma of surgery. Being in pain like this. She blames everything. “Two of them are in Minnesota… It’s too far…”

“Well...it sounds like one of them is your neighbor? Isn’t he the one with some sisters, too? They’re also your friends, right? And they live close by…” Auntie Roz reassures. She knows all about The Avoiders. All their names. What they look like. The kind of people they are. The important things.

“I don’t...want them here… Fran’s too little. And hospitals...it might freak them out.” Dominique sniffs.

“Well...then, we call them. Right? You wanna call them?” Auntie Roz asks.

Dominique nods, trying to collect herself so she doesn’t alarm her friends.

There’s a knock at the door then, and Dominique blinks. Wondering if somehow just thinking about The Avoiders has conjured them all to her room right now. 

It’s not, but still, a smile breaks over her face as she says, “Nurse Bev…”

“I just got off my shift...I saw your name on the board, and I knew I had to come up and check on you. Are you in pain?”

“Yes...it sucks. And I miss my friends… Can you...get my phone?” Dominique asks Auntie Roz.

“Your dad has it. Held onto it for safekeeping. I’ll get it from him,” she says.

“I’ll stay,” Nurse Bev reassures and Dominique is so relieved. Nurse Bev comes close and strokes Dom’s hair. Sings softly, “ _ Grey skies are gonna clear up...put on a happy face… Brush off the clouds and cheer up...put on a happy face. ...So, spread a little sunshine all over the place and put on a happy face. _ ”

Dominique closes her eyes. She’s little again, and Nurse Bev is singing this song to her to get her through the agony of bandage-changes.

“I still have my froggy village…” Dominique manages, finally getting herself under control. “Smile every time I see it.”

“I’m so glad. Now, I’m not supposed to know a thing, but I heard a certain rumor that your surgery went beautifully.”

Dominique makes a face as bile rises in her throat. Nurse Bev thrusts a basin out just in time.

“I know… That nasty anesthesia…” Nurse Bev says, sympathetic.

“Can you...ask my dad...if my mom’s here yet? Her plane’s delayed… Snow…” Dominique manages, lying back on the pillow. 

She shuts her eyes.

\--

_ “I have no idea when I’m gonna get home, _ ” Jaimie worries, via video chat. “ _ God. I never should have gone on this trip _ …”

“It’s gonna be fine,” Michael reassures. “The surgeon said everything went beautifully.”

“ _ Michael, you know I don’t give a damn what that surgeon had to say. How’s Dom? She must be mad. She hasn’t returned any of my messages.” _

“Jaim, I think she was just trying to keep herself together this morning,” Michael reassures. “Rozariah’s here,” he says, pointing Jaimie.

“ _ How is she?”  _ Jaimie insists.

“She’s okay,” Rozariah reassures. “Nurse Bev stopped in to say hi. Dom wants her phone. She asked if you were here, yet, Jaimie…”

“ _ That’s it. I’m the worst mother in the world....”  _ Jaimie decides.

“I can name a few who are worse…” Michael offers, his voice low, and both he and Jaimie crack smiles at each other.

“Listen, I’m gonna get back to her. All Dominique wants - all we all want - is for you to get here safely. So no damn heroics. Wait til the skies are safe. Or the roads are clear. Then come,” Rozariah insists.

_ “Since when did you get to be the rational one?” _ Jaimie teases.

“I honestly have no idea…” Roz laughs. “Oh… Dom’s phone?”

Michael hands it to her, and then, Roz heads back to Dominique.

\--

Francesca unlocks Dominique’s door with the key Jesus got from Michael. It’s weird to think about going in here when she’s not here. Jesus said Dominique needed somebody to feed Roberta - and that Dominique might not feel the comfiest having a boy do it.

And Fran volunteered.

She wonders where Dominique went as she opens the door and bends down low to let Roberta sniff her. “Hi. It’s Fran. You remember me, right?” 

Just in case it helps Roberta remember her, Fran starts singing  _ Try Everything _ from  _ Zootopia _ . Roberta’s tail swishes back and forth.

Fran comes inside and turns on the kitchen light. She dumps the water bowl in the sink and gets a brand new one, just in case, to fill with fresh water.

She moves as careful as she can, but still spills some. Fran wipes it up with a towel. Roberta blinks at her. 

“What? It was just an accident,” Fran insists, quiet.

Next, she gets down next to the container with Roberta’s food. She has to work hard to get the top off. And then puts one scoop in a fresh bowl. Fran makes sure the lid snaps back on. 

Roberta goes and starts eating right away. Fran looks around. She sees paper stuck to the fridge with a magnet, so she writes:

_ I fed Roberta her dinner Monday night. Love, Fran. _

She leaves the note there, so Dominique will see it. Then, she gets a better idea and takes her phone out of her shirt pocket.

She’s back to wearing her Grandma Adams shirts. Today’s is the purple one she barely ever wears. It says  _ Purple _ with a sparkly outline of an umbrella and some rain. Fran doesn’t get it, but it’s pretty. Mari says it’s from a song by a prince. Mari would know. She knows every song, basically.

Fran goes to Marco Polo - to her one she only shares with Dominique. She’s surprised to see the little circle with the picture of Roberta inside that says  _ Dominique is here _ . 

“Dominique! You’re here! So, look…” Fran aims the camera at Roberta eating. “I just fed Roberta her dinner. Clean bowls. New water. New food. And the lid is closed really tightly on the food. ...I did spill some of her water, I’m sorry. But I wiped it up with your lemon towel. I really miss you. Bye.”

In seconds, Dominique’s face is there. No makeup. All her scars out. She looks sad and stressed, but she tries to smile. 

“ _ Hey, babe. You fed Roberta for me? Thank you so much. That makes me feel so much better. I don’t want you to worry, but I had to come to the hospital to have a little surgery. I’m gonna be back home in a few days. It’s nothing to worry about, okay? I just wanted you to see me...and know I’m okay. I miss you, too. _ ”

“Why didn’t you tell me that you were having surgery? Did you want it to be private information...for just you?” Fran asks, still sitting on Dominique’s kitchen floor.

“ _ I didn’t tell because it was hard for me to talk about. Having surgery’s hard, right? And I was using all my energy to just get through the day… _ ”

“Are you really gonna be okay?” Fran wonders. She’s thinking of her own surgery, back in the beginning of fourth grade. How hard it was for her. 

_ “I promise,”  _ Dominique says in her video back. _ “I’ll be sore for a while...but that’ll get better and eventually…”  _ She makes a face like she hurts.  _ “Eventually, I’ll be okay. Listen, I need to go send Polos to my mom and the other Avoiders.” _

“Wait. Where even  _ is _ your mom?!” Fran asks, alarmed. “Isn’t she there with you?”

_ “She was on a work trip and got snowed in at the airport. So, she has to wait to come home,”  _ Dominique explains. There are tears in her eyes. “ _ Listen, Fran… Can you just… show the other Avoiders these videos I just sent you? It’s easier than saying it all again.” _

“No problem. It’s totally handled,” Fran says back. “I wish I could go get your mom for you....”

_ “Thank you, babe. Me, too. Bye.” _

\--

Dominique’s trying to rest when the Polos start coming in from all her friends. Fran had done it. Passed on the Polo just like she asked.

Levi’s first: “I remembered how much you said you loved  _ The Princess and the Frog _ ,” he says gently. Then he goes into a slow, soulful version of Mama Odie’s  _ Dig a Little Deeper _ . 

It makes tears come to Dom’s eyes.

When Levi’s done, he says.  _ “I also...did a thing. I hope it wasn’t too presumptuous...but when Fran told us what was going on, and I was working out that arrangement for you...I just… Anyway, I found something for you. It’s on its way to your place.” _

“Levi...you didn’t have to do that...but thank you. I’ll look for it once I’m home...and that song… That whole movie...it means a lot to me...but you probably know that. That’s probably why you did it,” Dominique comments, and she laughs as she sees the thumbs up emoji as Levi confirms.

Dom thanks him and then clicks over to Pearl, who has sent her a second message:

_ “Hi. It’s so good to see your face. Are you okay? I know you said your mom’s not able to be there with you. Is your dad? Is anyone? Okay, Pearl, stop with the twenty questions… Anyway, I love you, and I’m here if you need anything.” _

Dominique takes a deep breath and records a video back to Pearl, willing her voice to work through her tears.

“Thank you…for the beautiful sunrise, Pearl. You clearly inherited some talent there… Um...I’m not really okay? I miss my mom. My auntie’s here. Dad’s in the waiting room - his usual place. It’s as close as he can be to me right now. I need him here, but not  _ here _ -here. I’m getting tired, so I have to let you go soon and get some rest but...the resume really helped. I felt really safe today. As safe as possible. So, thank you, for helping me put that together.”

\--

It’s Wednesday before Dominique’s able to get back to Mariana and Jesus. The rest of Monday and Tuesday were lost in a haze of pain and sleep. But finally, she opens Mariana’s messages. A series of short texts on colorful backgrounds:

_ Hi. _

_ Surgery sucks. _

_ Miss you. _

_ Support helps, though. _

_ I can come? _

Jesus’s message is similar in tone. “ _ If you need a friendly face, I can drive Mari over. She’d really like to be there, but only if you want. And I can hang out with Francesca. Maybe in the waiting room? _ ”

Dominique messages the group with both Mari and Jesus in it. “Yes,” she says. “Y’all can come. I’d love to see you, Mari…”

\--

Within an hour, there’s a knock on Dominique’s door and Mariana comes in, carrying cards. Her pink hat from Pearl on her head. Her  _ Take Me To The Ocean  _ shirt from Mom brings tears to Dom’s eyes.

Mariana just opens her arms and hugs Dom super gently when she does the same with her good arm.

She sits on a chair near Dom’s bed and sets the cards down on top of the blankets.

But Dom focuses on Mari, first. “This can’t be easy for you…” she manages.

“I know… It’s not...but I wanted to…” Mari tells her.

“Thank you…” Dominique manages. “I wasn’t...trying to shut you out. Any of you, I just…”

“It’s fucking awful,” Mariana fills in. “Trust me. I remember. Not everything...but enough. We don’t judge anything.”

Dominique fingers the cards strewn across her lap, with her less-dominant hand. She awkwardly opens one from Fran, finding a cute marker drawing of a sloth with a bandaged paw. 

_ Slothy wants you to feel better soon. I really love and miss you alot. I liked it when you put me under your tree and were so happy you got me for Christmas. PS Harry Potter is in a Tri Wizard Cup. He had to take a bath to figure out a clue in a magical egg. It was funny. Love, Francesca _

Dominique is somehow laughing and crying as she shows Mariana, reading the card aloud.

Next, she opens Jesus’s:

She finds a heart-stopping full-color drawing of Avoidance. At the bottom, he’s written:

_ Since you can’t get to Avoidance, I’m bringing it to you. Here whenever you need it. And the real thing is waiting for you, whenever you can get back. Jesus _

“God…” Dominique wipes her eyes. “You damn brother and his damn perfect drawings…”

Mariana smiles. “Sorry,” she says.

Finally, Dominique opens Mariana’s card. It’s plain card stock. On it is a bandaid with googly eyes and an awkward face. The text reads SURGERY SUCKS.

“Oh my God… I love this card so much…” Dominique manages.

Inside, she finds Mari’s message:

_ Dom - _

_ You don’t have to be okay for us...for us to be there for you. Love you. _

_ Love, Mari _

“God, I love you guys. Thank you…” Dominique wipes her eyes. “Thank you for not being mad at me. Thank you for offering to come…”

“We’re not mad. We love you,” Mariana says, squeezing Dominique’s hand gently.

“I’m going home tomorrow and I just...I don’t know this whole time has been so weird without---”

A knock sounds at the door and Dominique turns, her face splitting into a wide grin as she makes out Mommy’s face in the window, tapping on the glass.

“Get in here!” Dominique exclaims.

And all at once, she is. In the room and wrapped around Dominique in seconds flat. Dom breathes in the scent of her.

“You came…” Dominique manages, tears welling again.

“Babe, I came just as fast as I could,” Mom says, through her own tears. “Mommy’s so sorry she left.”

“You didn’t. I told you to go,” Dominique reminds.

“Hey, Mariana. How are you, sweetie?” Mom asks, offering Mari a hug.

“Okay. Glad you’re home safe...” she answers, accepting Mom’s hug. “I should go...let you guys have time.”

“Thank y’all so much for coming…” Dominique calls.

“Anytime,” Mariana returns. 

Dominique doesn’t feel like she can ever let go of Mom. She gets in the bed with her and they just hang out like that, and talk.

It feels like, finally, Dominique can believe the words everybody’s been saying. With Mom here, she knows:

Everything will be okay.


	19. Recovery

Dominique makes it home on Thursday, and she finds her mail on the end table, courtesy of Mom. She knows all the junk mail has already been filtered out, because she sees a card from Pearl, as promised, and a large cardboard envelope from an online store.

Mom helps her ease onto the couch. Lying on her left side is the only position Dominique finds remotely comfortable. Since her right arm hurts when she moves it...and other parts of her make it painful to sit.

Dominique opens the flap with one hand and Mom helps her shake it out of the envelope. On the front, she finds a cat like Roberta.

“Look, Robbie. It’s you,” Dominique shows her. 

(Roberta, of course, is wildly unimpressed, but whether or not it’s the card’s rendering of her or the fact that Dominique called her Robbie, Dom will never know for sure.)

Inside the card, Pearl has written:

_ Hi Dominique, _

_ Hope this card finds you home! So glad for you. I cannot imagine how stressful hospital stays can be. I’ve been lucky in that I haven’t needed any myself but I know most of the rest of us Avoiders can relate. So, you rest and let me know if I can help in any way. I’m here to distract you. We can watch Cleo and Panther be cute. Or talk, or whatever you need. Love you. Love, Pearl _

\--

Levi’s just getting home from work when he hears his Facebook video ringing via his phone. Pearl’s is ringing, too. She picks up first, via her laptop. 

Dominique fills her screen. She seems tired...and like she feels more than a little vulnerable.

“Oh, you’re here. Hi,” Pearl says, relieved. “How are you feeling?”

“I’m alright,” Dominique allows. “Pearl, I got your card. Thank you.”

“Anything else?” Levi asks, anxious.

“Yeah, I got this weird red envelope?” she says, showing him. It doesn’t have a return address I recognize.”

Levi’s mouth drops open. He’s just gone from post-work depression to beyond excited. “That’s the thing! It came already. The thing I sent.”

“When you did the arrangement for  _ The Princess and the Frog _ song?” Dominique asks. That whole day is hazy in her mind.

“Yes,” Levi beams.

“Can I open it? Mom’s here…”

The camera moves and Jaimie’s on screen, waving. “Hey, y’all.”

“Hey! You made it back!” Pearl says. “I’m so glad.”

“So, she’ll probably help me open this if it’s okay…” Dominique manages, wincing, back on screen.

“Only if you’re up to it,” Levi cautions.

“Please,” Dominique nods to Jaimie, who sits across from her, off camera.

Levi can hear cardboard ripping. He holds his breath. Hopes this was the right call. He knows Jesus is sensitive about gifts, and Levi realizes he’s never asked Dom if she’s the same. But she seems okay so far. Excited, even.

He can tell, the moment it registers for Dominique what Jaimie is holding. Levi and Pearl can just see the back.

“Oh, my God…” Dominique says.

“This is a beautiful painting….” Jaimie breathes.

“It’s the bayou. You got me the bayou...from  _ The Princess and the Frog _ ?” Dominique’s incredulous, staring.

Levi knows what she’s seeing. He stumbled on it looking for Disney-related art while checking to see if he could afford any that featured the 2009 classic Dominique loves so much. The artist had captured the bayou’s mystical magic. Its warmth, but also its darkness. It was such a compelling piece, and Levi could not stop thinking about how much Dominique would love it.

It’s dark blues and greens lit by tiny points of light - fireflies or lightning bugs - Dom would know for sure. What Levi does know for sure? It’s perfect.

“God...Levi… You don’t know what this means to me…” Dominique manages, wiping her eyes.

“I remember...you mentioned that movie...that it got you through a lot. I know how Disney movies can be. How meaningful...and I just...I don’t know. I wanted you to have this. I hope it’s okay. Did I overstep?” he wonders.

“Levi, I’m sitting here wondering where I can hang this so that I can see it from every room in my apartment. I love it so much. And it did… This movie...it means so much to me. And it means so much you remembered.”

“Levi’s coming for Brandon’s wedding, so if you need anything, let me know and I can send it down with him.”

“You already gave me the damn sunrise, Pearl… She made the sun rise for me,” Dominique tells Jaimie.

“Really?” Jaimie asks, intrigued.

“Yeah, it’s a family skill they have…” Dominique responds.

“You made the sun rise for her?” Levi asks, tears coming to his own eyes. “God, Dad would be so proud…”

“Aw…” Pearl says. “I’m sorry. I mean, I’m not, because I absolutely meant to give you the sunrise and all its light, Dominique, but I’m sorry for making you sad…” she says to Levi.

“No, you’re fine. It’s just…” 

Levi has no idea what it is. But hearing Pearl talk about just casually doing something that meant so much to him? Something sacred between him and Dad that he had shared with Pearl in confidence? It kind of hurts that she’d just give it away to someone else...

But...

Just being able to selflessly give something so special to one of their own? That aches in a good way. But it also makes him wonder...will he ever get to that point? Where he can selflessly give the things Dad gave him, without worrying they’ll run out?

Pearl asks if she can give him a hug, and Levi agrees. It’s not even weird that Dominique is watching. And Levi knows that Jaimie’s off trying to find a frame for the bayou painting. So Levi really doesn’t mind.

“Y’all really are the best friends ever,” Dominique yawns. “I think I’m gonna let y’all go. I’m sad you’re not coming in February, Pearl.”

“I know, but we’ll be up in April,” Pearl reminds, and Levi can tell she’s trying to look on the bright side, but it’s hard.

“See y’all later,” Dominique says. “Thank you so much again for the card and my bayou. I love them both.”

“We love you,” Pearl says, just before Dom hangs up.

\--

“Are you okay?” Pearl asks when they’re alone again.

“Yeah. Fine,” Levi says, not really able to think about the fact that he’s obviously not - and that Pearl can see that.

“Do you mind? That I shared the sunrise with Dominique?” Pearl asks.

“It just...caught me by surprise…” Levi admits. “It kind of hurts that it was a West thing. A Dad thing...and you shared it.” 

“Levi...I’m so sorry. I didn’t think about how I was basically sharing your memory with Dad without even asking you,” Pearl apologizes.

Levi still has tears rolling down his cheeks as he says, “But then I think… You’re so much like Dad…” he manages. “So selfless...and I don’t think I am. I don’t think it could ever… I don’t know… I can’t give away stuff he gave me? I always selfishly hold it close?” Levi manages. “But you’re just like him. You’re so giving.”

“I’ve been called a lot of things in my life...but giving has never been one of them. Thank you, Levi. And I am sorry.”

He sniffs. “I know. You didn’t do it on purpose….” Levi’s so stressed. He wipes his eyes.

“There’s more…” Pearl deduces.

Levi nods. “And then just…you and my mom sharing whatever you shared? And like…knowing that this thing happened? The break-in, when I was eight? And it...basically took down our whole family, Pearl. Grandma died. Mom was in the hospital. Dad saw her and had an asthma attack…”

“And you…” Pearl offers, gentle.

“I don’t wanna be mad at him…” Levi ventures, his nose stuffed as he rests his head on Pearl’s shoulder. “But I am.”

“I am, too,” Pearl agrees, but it’s soft.

“I feel like it’s rude...you know...to his memory?” Levi manages.

“Levi, you never got to be mad about this, though. You just found out what happened. It makes sense you’d have feelings about it,” Pearl says.

It takes Levi a few minutes to keep talking. “Like… I just… I get that he couldn’t help it. The asthma attack. That he didn’t leave me there on purpose to get hurt, but…”

“But why leave you there at all?” Pearl asks seriously. “He knew what she was capable of. That’s exactly why I’m mad at him.”

“What did she tell you? Mom?” Levi asks, quiet.

“Are you sure you wanna know?” Pearl asks. “It’s about my mom, too. And why he left me there with her…”

“Yes,” Levi says. “I want to know.”

And he listens as Pearl tells him the truth - the real worst thing Carla ever did - he looks as she tilts her chin up so he can see the tiny scar where a knife could have nicked her.

“He left to protect me…” Pearl says, her voice distant. “I know that…”

“But you were four,” Levi says simply. “And...I don’t know everything about what was going on...but...there had to be another way…”

“I think...people die...and it’s instinct to put them in the best light possible. But it also...makes them less human… And he  _ was _ … Dad was younger than I am now when he left me with her.” Pearl manages. “I don’t know what I would have done in his shoes. But I… I wish he’d been braver for me…” she whispers.

“I wish he would have chosen me,” Levi whispers back. “Forgot about me having both my shoes. Just chose to take care of me. I love Mom, and she needed him...but…”

“But so did you,” Pearl says, her arm still around him. “You needed him, too. We both know...he was a pretty dang close to perfect Dad in a lot of ways...but he also had faults.”

“He’d be the first to admit that, I think…” Levi muses. He leans away from Pearl a little, to see her face. “I’m sorry he left you with her. So sorry she hurt you… I keep complaining about like...a few hours with her...and you were alone with her...for twenty years.” He shudders.

“Don’t compare us,” Pearl warns, gentle. “What she did to you? That was absolutely unforgivable. It doesn’t matter the duration.”

“You don’t resent me for complaining?” he asks.

“You’re not complaining, Levi. You’re sharing. About a valid trauma that you’ve only recently gotten to talk about.” Pearl says.

Levi’s quiet again. Then he says, “I had a panic attack at work...that day we were over at Mom’s? Trying her new pie recipe? And doing that puzzle?”

“Are you okay?” Pearl asks. “I mean, I know it was a while ago, but panic attacks…” she blows out a breath. “No one wants them.”

“Mom was there shopping. She helped. Thank God she was there,” Levi manages.

“...My mom...she didn’t come in or anything, did she?” Pearl asks, hesitant.

“No. But somebody brought her cookies and left them in the break room… Plus, I’ve basically been freaking out whenever I see a blonde woman…”

Pearl’s lower lip comes out and she gathers him close again, when he leans toward her. “We are gonna get out of here. One day. We’re gonna start a new, beautiful, warm life in California together. And we’re gonna have all the support we need…”

“Thank you. We’ll come back and visit Mom, though, right?” Levi checks.

“Oh, definitely.” Pearl nods. “I’m so good on planes now, as long as I’m with you.” 

“Flying’s fun,” Levi tells her.

“If you enjoy being sealed in a tin can with a bunch of strangers and their germs,” Pearl remarks ruefully.

“Don’t think about the germs,” Levi urges her, smiling. “I don’t. It’s like an adventure.”

Levi hears Pearl pause, thoughtfully, before continuing. “You’ll scope it out again for us, when you’re there for the wedding? California?”

“Definitely,” he echoes.

And then they sit together. His head on her shoulder. Her head on his head. He feels safe, relieved, wrecked and exhausted. 

But he’s with his sister.

And that’s all that matters.


	20. Barriers

It’s been a while since Dom has had to deal with this, but it’s a bit like riding a bike - or so people say - it comes back to her. Somewhere, Dom must have subconsciously known how much this was going to suck. 

No matter how many times she’s told she’s doing great, no matter how much encouragement Mom gives that first week she’s here, Dominique just can’t shake the feeling. This heavy dread. This depression. This dissociation. She copes by sleeping and watching a lot of Netflix. 

Mom makes sure she eats and gets help with whatever she needs help with. It doesn’t take them long to realize Mom may need to stay longer than a week. (There are things Dominique is scared to do on her own, that she can’t trust just anybody with.)

Mom is glad to stay, or so she says. Dominique is always checking for signs of stress. Signs that Mom is over this. Injury to her body like this has her old self resurfacing. The one who’s sure her parents are sick of her. The same one who was pissed at little Jesus for not having the same background as her.

Speaking of Jesus, he and Mari and Fran try. They really do. Fran or Mari are always here knocking on the door, dropping off cards or food. Fran offers to feed Roberta. But Dominique can’t see them. Or really talk to them. Pearl checks in every single day - she’s relentless - and Dom talks to her, but she feels hollow. Levi sends her music. A song every few days or so. These almost reach her.

It’s like being back here, her bed just beckons her. (She can’t climb the ladder yet, so the couch will have to do.) The only thing she has energy for is TV or sleep. Not people. Not conversation.

Lena, when she comes, says this all makes sense, and that Dominique’s in her trauma right now, but she won’t always be.

Everybody feels so far away. 

Dom feels unreachable. Like everybody’s on the other side of shatterproof glass, and no one can break through.

Small things anchor her: Roberta, who’s so fat that Dominique can’t deny her realness as she presses against Dom and purrs. And the painting Levi sent, which Dom finally consented to Mom framing and displaying in the living room. (As Dominique has yet to move from the couch.)

She stares at it and it lets her know that this is really happening. That it’s not the past, because the painting’s new. She stares at the picture of all the Avoiders together on the picnic table in Minnesota, touching them each gently.

\--

The night before Brandon’s wedding, Mariana wishes she were anywhere but here. Stef is intolerable. She won’t stop talking about how everything has to be perfect, and this is a new phase of life. Lena’s perfectionism is real as she tries to insist Fran and Mari wear red, pink or white dresses because that’s the color scheme, and pictures are forever.

To cope, Mari keeps checking with Levi, Poloing him short text messages repeatedly.

_ Are you still coming? _

_ Did you change your mind? _

_ NVM you don’t have to. _

_ JK are you? _

Finally, he calls her back, showing his partially packed bag.

“ _ Yes, I’m definitely coming. My plane gets in tomorrow afternoon. Is Jesus able to come to the airport? I know it’s not his favorite place… _ ”

“No, but he’s planning to. He’s made the drive before, and if all he has to do is pick you up and not go inside, he’s okay.” Mari says back.

_ “Are  _ you _ okay?” _ Levi checks.

“Almost the worst day of my life…” she mutters. “You being here is the only thing getting me through. Please don’t bail…” she begs.

“ _ Mariana, I’m not bailing. I will be there. Tomorrow afternoon. In plenty of time for the wedding. I promise. _ ”

She can’t resist anymore, and Facebook videos Levi. She needs to see him live. Actually packing. In real time.

“Thank you…” She breathes when she can see him again. “Moms are making me hate life. They’re so obsessed with everything going perfectly, and neither one of them has followed up about why it might be whatever for me…” Mariana manages.

“I’m not wearing a pink dress! Or a red dress! Or a white dress!” Fran exclaims. “I’m not even a flower girl, so who even cares if I’m wearing a dress!” Fran slams the door and then realizes Mari’s in here, talking to Levi. “...Oops. Sorry.”

“It’s okay,” Mariana pats her bed and Fran comes over and flops beside her. (She’s so right here with Fran about no dresses. She remembers the black one she wore on her Valentine’s date with Nick… How the air felt cold on her back when he unzipped it…)

“Hi Levi,” Fran says. “I hate dresses, did you hear?” 

“I did,” Levi nods. “Can I let you in on a secret?”

Mari and Fran both nod and lean closer.

“I hate suits. I used to love them. I loved getting dressed up. But then, I had to dress up for Dad’s funeral and…” he shrugs.

“So now you hate suits,” Fran says sadly.

“That would do it,” Mari nods.

“You don’t have to bring one,” Fran says kindly. “Me and you and Mari? We can all just wear regular clothes…”

“Do you want to?” Levi asks Mari. “I...have the suit packed…” he hesitates.

Mariana pauses.

“We don’t have to wear clothes we hate,” Fran insists. “Dresses mean I have to wear shoes that are so hard to walk in… And we shouldn’t have to do that because we’re human beings.”

“Okay, but let Mariana answer, though. We all have the right to our own decisions,” Levi reminds gently.

“Yeah, but it’s better three-for-one and all-for-three…” Fran 

“I think...I have a long dress. I could do that, I guess…” she admits (even though the idea of wearing any dress at all makes her skin crawl.)

“And I guess I could wear my pink dress they want me to wear,” Fran sighs. “But I want to wear my choice of shoes. The dressy ones always hurt my feet.”

“Same,” Mariana echoes.

“And I...have a red dress shirt and a tie. I could just come in that. Ditch the suit jacket.”

“Mariana thinks you’re gonna look so cute, I bet,” Fran grins, leaning into Mari. “Look at your face. You  _ do _ think that.”

Mariana hides her face behind her pillow. “Okay, but we don’t tease,” she reminds, finally moving it and peeking at Levi.

“Sorry,” Fran apologizes.

“Whatever you decide to wear, I know both of you are going to look beautiful. I’ll see you tomorrow,” Levi says.

\--

“Oh my gosh! He said you would look _ beautiful _ ,” Fran falls back on the bed giggling. She almost falls off the bed, but Mariana reaches out to grab her before she does. 

“He said it about you, too,” Mari points out.

“Yeah, but I don’t  _ like- _ like him,” Fran retorts. 

“Did you ever...talk to your friends? About feeling left out?” Mari wonders.

“Not yet…” Fran admits. “Nico’s a boy, and Giselle has tons of friends at her school.”

“Boys can still feel left out,” Mariana says.

“Would it count if I just talked to you?” Fran wonders. “Do you ever feel left out?”

“All the time…” Mariana nods.

“Like when Moms and Brandon and Talya don’t include us on family things?” Fran asks.

“Yup,” Mari nods. “You know, it’s okay to call Giselle or Nico if you want…” 

“I know… I’d just...probably rather text my school friends...but they wouldn’t understand…” Fran sighs.

“It’s hard, right?” Mari asks. She doesn’t even make Fran try to explain her feelings.

“So hard,” Fran moans. “I don’t think it’s fair they’re leaving us out, and then telling us we have to dress up just to sit in the audience.”

Mariana’s phone chimes. Fran knows by the sound of it that it’s Jesus.

“Hey,” Mari says.

“Hey,” he says back. “You guys alright?”

“No,” Fran objects. “Moms say we have to dress up,” Fran wrinkles her nose.

“I know…” Jesus hesitates. “So… I need advice…” he holds out two shirts. They look the exact same to Fran. One is purple like a plum and one is dark blue.

“Mom’s gonna say no. They have to be red or pink or white…” Fran points out.

“That’s just the girls,” Mariana says, making a face of her own.

“What? Why don’t the boys have to worry about color schemes?” Fran asks, offended.

“Because of archaic gender roles,” Mariana says, and Fran has no idea what she means.

“You mean like, respect and be kind and don’t tease?” she asks.

“What?” Jesus asks.

“Those are rules for every human to follow,” Fran says, matter of fact.

“Archaic means really old like a dinosaur,” Mari explains. “Outdated. Like...women have to stay home and cook and clean and only men can work and vote and whatever… Like it was--”

“--Back in prehistoric times,” Fran confirms.

“Right,” Mari smiles. “Sometimes, people still have old ideas about rules girls should follow. A lot of times, boys have less rules.”

“So, like our house. And our family,” Fran nods.

“You want me to find a pink shirt, I’ll find a pink shirt. I’ll wear it proudly. Real men wear pink.”

Mariana shivers. “You used to say that…when we were kids…” she points out. “You had pink shoelaces...but they disappeared when you did. I always thought… Did you wear them that day?”

Fran gets a weird feeling in her stomach, whenever Mari and Jesus talk about this. She never knows if it’s going to upset Jesus or not.

“No. Hell, no. My lucky shoelaces wouldn’t let me down that way… I don’t know where they ended up…” Jesus says.

“I do…” Fran says. “I maybe saw Brandon with them when I was little. They were in an envelope that said your name on it, Jesus. It had a scary drawing inside it. I asked Brandon about it, and he said those were your lucky shoelaces. I kind of stole them…”

“Francesca Rose,” Jesus says, a little shocked, a little smile on his face. “How do you  _ kind of  _ steal something?”

“I don’t know! Brandon stole it first! He set a bad example! And besides, I was in kindergarten! Didn’t you do bad things when you were in kindergarten?”

“Do not answer that,” Mariana tells Jesus.

“Fine. Listen, can I pick you two up tomorrow? Once I get back with Levi? Then we can drive together?”

“Yes. Please,” Mariana says, nodding.

“Yes,  _ please _ !” Fran echoes.

“And Frankie?” Jesus asks, catching himself. “I mean, Fran?”

“What?” Francesca asks, a little nervous. What if Jesus is mad at her?

“Can you bring my lucky shoelaces tomorrow?” Jesus asks.

“Sure, buddy,” Fran responds, relieved.

Before they go, Mariana gets Dominique and they all say good night, like usual. They say good night to her every day. The Wests say good morning, so that way, they can all be with her.

Dominique looks better. A little more her usual way. She talks to them more. And it’s not like she’s a million miles away.

“Have fun at the wedding tomorrow. I’ll miss y’all.” she says.

“We’ll bring you some cake. It’s dark chocolate with raspberry filling,” Fran passes along.

“Sounds delicious,” Dominique says. “I’ll look forward to it.

\--

Levi does not expect to get teary leaving Pearl behind at the airport.

“I’ll be home tomorrow. I don’t know what my deal is…” he manages. 

“It’s okay to miss me,” she reassures, blowing her nose loudly. “God knows I’ll be here, missing you. “You look very sharp, by the way,” she manages.

And Levi feels his confidence grow. He hadn’t been sure about the red shirt and black tie, without the suit jacket until now. 

“Thank you. And will you--”

“--I won’t forget to visit Dominique,” Levi reassures. 

“And I know you’ve only got the carry-on, but I was hoping… Can you bring these as well for her?” Pearl asks, holding out a Tupperware container.

“That’s who the brownies were for? Oh my God, why didn’t you stop me last night when I ate a whole row myself…” Levi asks embarrassed.

“Because you need to eat. I sliced them up. She’ll never know a few are missing. And if she does, she’ll know they went to a good place.” Pearl jokes, trying to smile.

Levi zips the brownies into his bag and stands, hugging Pearl hard. “Okay. I love you. And I love you, Smush-Face,” Levi says to Cleo. See you guys soon.”

“Call as soon as you land safely,” Pearl says at his back.

He raises a hand in acknowledgment. Then looks over his shoulder at them.

Sees Pearl and Cleo waving.

\--

It’s the day of the wedding when Dominique’s finally deemed good to go. She’s free of all her bandages, but Lena notes she still walks like she’s in pain. She’s not, she’s just used to worrying about it.

Being on the other side of surgery recovery is like waking from a long nightmare. One day, she starts the day aware. Things are sharper. She can hear people talk and their voices aren’t muffled by invisible glass.

Even though she feels more with it than she has for weeks, she’s not in any shape to sit through a wedding. She knows that by now Jesus, Fran and Mari are all busy getting ready. So Dom sits on her couch, surrounded by all Jesus and Fran’s baked goods.

She’s almost through his giant chocolate Valentine’s M&M cookies. She’s still got Fran’s lemon cookies that she made out of lemon cake mix. Dominique appreciates her friends for knowing just how to reach her in times of crisis.

“Hey,” Pearl says, on Facebook video. She looks teary.

“Hey, are you okay?” Dominique asks, taking a bite of chocolate M&M cookie.

“Levi left to come out there…” Pearl wipes her eyes. “We’ve never been apart… I mean, not since he found me…”

“Aw… I’m sure Mariana will make sure he’s good.” Dominique reassures.

“How are you?” Pearl asks. “You seem better.”

“I feel like I turned the corner. Not wedding-ready or anything, but more human. Thank you, by the way, for all the calls every morning. I’m sorry I wasn’t great company, but I really appreciate all y’all checking in so frequently.” Dominique says.

“Oh, please. You’re not supposed to be good company when you’re recovering from surgery. Also...it seems like you have no shortage of baked goods...but I might’ve sent a little something down with Levi for you.”

Dominique’s face lights up. “Oh, God. Does that mean I get to see him? I didn’t think I’d get to.”

“Of course. He wants to at least say hey,” Pearl says.

“I wish you were here, too,” Dominique remarks, wistful.

“Aw… Well, who says I’m not?” Pearl asks softly. 

And Dominique knows she’s right. They’re always together, even when they’re not. Distance can’t separate them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> End of Part I


	21. Preparations

Mari wakes up on Brandon’s wedding day with a raging headache. She’s glad the wedding’s not ‘til tonight, so she can at least sleep in.

She really wakes up when her phone lights up on her nightstand. She picks it up. 

“Hey,” Jesus says. He yawns. “You okay? It’s just...I know...you know...what these days are like...and just… Are you?”

Tears spring to Mari’s eyes. Her throat closes. She just cries softly, trying to keep it down, because Callie’s sleeping across the room. Hopefully, Fran’s loud breathing will cover any noise Mari makes.

Jesus just waits with her. “I know,” he says, soft. “I wish I’d...known or been there… Sorry you had to go through that all alone…”

Finally, Mari collects herself as Fran stirs in her own bed.

Callie’s alarm goes off, startling the crap out of Fran.

“What’s up?” Mari asks, averting her eyes from Callie as she reaches for her phone to shut off the alarm.

“Nothing...I just...wondered... I was planning to pick you and Fran up after I got Levi, and drive us to church together...but you’d rather be there to pick him up, right?” Jesus asks.

Mariana chokes back a sob. 

“That’s what I figured. Listen, so I’ll still get you. It’ll just be earlier. His flight gets in at 2. So we need to leave in an hour. I know it’s tight. And I’m sorry about the short notice. We’ll be with you soon.”

“Mm-hmm,” Mariana manages, hanging up.

She wipes her eyes just in time to feel her bed give. Through tears, she can make out Callie sitting here. Her face is so serious. Sad. Sorry. Mariana remembers that Callie was the one person she’d sort of confided in when everything happened.

Callie knew what it was like. More than maybe anyone else.

When Mariana leans in, Callie wraps her arms around her. She doesn’t speak. 

Minutes pass.

When Callie does, her words surprise the hell out of Mariana. “I’m wearing a suit. Jude let me borrow one of his ties. So we’ll match.”

“Moms are gonna be pissed,” Mariana breathes.

“I don’t really care. It’s my body,” Callie shrugs, cavalierly. “It’s bad enough they expect me to pull double duty as the photographer _and_ the Maid of Honor…”

“Yeah, well, apparently there are only three Adams Foster siblings…” Mariana comments darkly. “I saw them, C. It’s whatever.”

“No… It’s not. It’s… I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have,” Callie says. “For the record, I did encourage Brandon and Talya to include you, Jesus and Fran…”

“You shouldn’t have had to,” Mariana shakes her head. 

“I know…” Callie nods.

“Guys....” Fran whines. “Be quiet.”

“It’s after 10 AM, sleepyhead,” Callie calls softly. “Get up.”

“The wedding’s not ‘til later. I don’t have to,” Fran argues, burrowing deeper.

“But Jesus called. He said if we wanna go with him to get Levi, we have an hour.”

“Oh no,” Fran exclaims. She scrambles out of bed and reaches under her mattress. She pulls out Jesus’s lucky shoelaces. “I have to remember to give these back to him.”

“I’ll hold onto them,” Callie promises. “Get dressed.”

Mariana’s already moved into the bathroom. She uses dry shampoo and body wipes because there’s no time for an actual shower. Then, it’s into clothes. The dress is black, like the one two years ago, but only at the top. The neckline is sort of low and cut in a wavy pattern. The skirt is long and has splashy pink flowers that look like hearts. She keeps her Avoider bracelet on. And unashamedly keeps her teal sneakers with bright yellow laces. She needs to be able to keep her balance and walk today.

Stability is more important than pleasing people. Besides, it makes her feel oddly reassured to not look altogether. Mariana finishes with her least favorite: brushing her teeth. (You try it with nerve-damage. The worst.) And a little makeup. She puts on some orange essential oil in lieu of perfume.

There’s a tap on the door. “Mariana?”

“What?” she asks.

Fran opens the door a little and makes a face. Her dress is light pink and sleeveless with a long tulle skirt. It looks more like a prom dress.

“I feel like a Barbie,” Fran complains. “This dress sounds like their dresses. And Moms want me to wear these white dress shoes with a strap. The bottoms are slippery. I’m totally gonna fall…”

“Well… Do you want some makeup?” Mariana bribes. “You can borrow some of my lip gloss. If you’re gonna look like a Barbie...you might as well go with it…”

Callie comes in then, in a stunning black suit, white shirt and bright red tie. Her short hair is tossed carefully with product. She’s wearing makeup, but it’s subtle.

“I love it…” Mariana breathes.

“Hey, come on!” Jude says, knocking on the door. “I need to get ready, too!”

“Tough. We’re gonna be a little bit,” Callie calls back.

Callie pulls the shower chair out for Fran to sit on. Then finds Mari a stool so she can do Fran’s makeup. 

Francesca picks her own Mountain Dew flavored lip gloss. Then, Mariana carefully does Fran’s eye makeup, giving her a multi-hued eyeshadow. It’s about five different colors, and Fran has an involuntary flinch and a nervous giggle that makes it take time. Mari makes sure to highlight her cheeks with a little bit of blush. On anybody else, it might look like too much, but on Fran, who’s young and fun, it works, and Fran loves it.

She’s got Jesus’s shoelaces tied around her wrist for Callie. “What about my shoes? I wish I could wear real shoes...with real laces…” Fran sighs as Callie does Fran’s hair, braiding it up from the bottom in two French braids, until all the rest of Fran’s curls rest at the top of her head.

“Hold on,” Mari says, and she goes back to their room and under her bed, where she stows everything that means anything to her. She pulls out the old Vans shoebox.

Brandon may have taken Jesus’s laces, but Mariana had claimed his shoes. And laced them with her own pink laces when Jesus’s own vanished. It had been her own secret way to hold onto a part of Jesus.

She makes a short call, talking to Jesus, before hanging up.

“So...Jesus told me it’s okay if you wear these… They’re his old pair from when he was a kid. Before… These are my lucky laces… Jesus and I each had a pair.”

Fran’s eyes light up. Mariana slides the shoes on Fran’s feet. 

“These fit like Cinderella slippers!” Fran gushes, looking lovingly at the beat up blue Vans laced with faded pink shoelaces. “I love them. How old was Jesus when these were his shoes?”

“Eight,” Mariana says.

“I’m eleven, and they still fit me,” she says, proudly.

“You’re done,” Callie says, “You look great,” she says, kissing Fran’s cheek.

“Ooh,” Fran says, touching her hair gently. “I don’t look like a Barbie now…”

“Not at all…” Callie approves.

\--

Down in the kitchen, Fran can hear Mom singing terribly. Some song about going to a chapel and gonna get married.

The minute she gets downstairs, Moms look at her up and down. Their faces fall. “Honey. It’s a wedding,” Mom says.

“I know,” Fran says. “I’m wearing the dress, like you wanted."

“Yes, and the dress came with shoes. And the suggestion of subtle makeup. That looks…” Mom says.

“Looks very nice,” Mama says, surprising her. Her eyes fall on Fran’s shoes. “Where on earth did you…?” she asks, like she’s seen a ghost.

“Fran, we have to go,” Mariana says, coming down the stairs.

“Oh, everybody’s wearing tennis shoes…” Mom comments. “Wonderful.”

“It’s fine, Stef. Let them wear what they want. It’s not a big deal,” Mama says, kissing Mom. Mama’s eyes keep going to Jesus’s shoes on Fran’s feet. It makes Righty nervous.

“It’s Brandon and Talya’s wedding,” Mom objects.

“Yes, and they can wear what they like. Their shoes won’t show in the pictures," Mama points out.

But Fran wants her shoes to show. She wants everybody to see that she and Jesus can share shoes. It’s so cool.

“Here, honey,” Mom says, pouring some coffee into a pink travel mug and giving it to Mariana. 

“Thanks,” Mariana says, surprised.

Mama hands Fran two travel containers of cereal and a bottle of water. “Breakfast on the go. Love you two. See you later. The wedding is at 5 PM.”

“Got it,” Fran says.

Jesus pulls in the driveway then and honks twice. Fran can see on her phone in her sloth fanny pack that it’s 11:02 AM. They’re already two minutes late. They’re on their way out the door, when Callie comes downstairs and hugs Fran and Mari goodbye.

“I thought Talya said no tux,” Mom says as Callie hugs Fran.

“Jude’s wearing one,” Callie says simply.

“Yes, he is,” Mom says, her voice stiff. “But I don’t want to think about what Talya’s mother’s going to be like about the pictures. I can just hear her talking all about how you look like one of the groomsmen…”

“Like that’s an insult. And if she’s that worried about it, just remind her that if I’m the photographer, it’s not like I’m gonna be in many pictures…”

“You absolutely are,” Mom counters.

"What's the big deal?" Callie asks. " _You_ wore pants to your own wedding."

"Exactly. It was _my_ wedding. This is Brandon and Talya's wedding. This is about what they want," Mom insists.

Fran's getting nervous. 

“Let’s go,” Mariana urges, and Fran closes the door to Callie saying, "Well, I'm sorry, but Brandon and Talya don't have a say over how I choose to dress..."

Fran breathes a sigh of relief, glad to be out of there.

They take the railing and go down the steps. Mari always gets this teeny tiny smile on her face when she uses it. Fran knows she’s thinking about Levi every single time. Fran thinks of Jesus. Because he made her other one.

“Hey, buddy. Hey, Mariana,” Jesus greets them. “Cool shoes,” he says. Then he takes the laces around her wrist and laces his own tennis shoes right there.

They’re not twins exactly. Jesus is wearing a flamingo pink fancy shirt and black pants, and his usual shoes. Fran knows Jude and Brandon and Callie are all wearing jackets and ties. But not Jesus. Levi isn’t gonna wear a jacket, so maybe Jesus will be okay, and Moms won’t yell at him.

When Jesus finally gets done with his shoes, they’re in the car. Dudley’s already there.

And Fran can finally breathe.

Mari looks nervous in the car, like she does sometimes.

Fran reaches out to hold her hand.

“Let’s go get Levi,” Jesus says quietly. He pulls out of their driveway, looking at Fran and Mari in the rearview mirror.


	22. Narratives

Levi starts sending videos via Marco Polo the second he’s getting off the plane. He’s decided that with Pearl and Dominique unable to attend the wedding, Levi will bring the wedding to them.

“I made it safely, Pearl. Dominique, I’m officially back in California. And I’m definitely gonna make some time to visit. It’s gonna be kind of a whirlwind, but...I don’t know...I’d love to see you, if you’re cool with it. I have to find Jesus. He said he’d be waiting outside…”

Levi squints, not quite believing what he’s seeing. “Y’all, I swear I see Jesus, Mari and Fran  _ here _ …”

He keeps the camera on his own face, knowing that he’s gotta ask if he wants to record anybody else, even if it is just for other Avoiders.

“ _ Levi _ !” Fran exclaims, looking so grown in a fancy dress, eye makeup that makes Levi think of a peacock and old shoes with pink laces. Fran pulls the look off like no one else. She’s running toward him, her smile huge.

He closes the distance fast and scoops her up in his arms. “Hey!” he beams. “How’s my  _ Moana _ -watching buddy?” he asks.

“Who are you talking to?” she asks, gesturing to the phone he’s holding.

“Oh, I’ve got a Polo going for Pearl and Dom, so they can see what’s going on,” Levi explains. “Wanna say hey?”

Fran takes the phone and aims it at herself. “Hi, Dominique! Hi, Pearl! Mariana did my makeup like this, see? And Callie did my hair. And Jesus said I could wear his lucky shoes and Mariana’s lucky laces. Jesus and I match.”

“Hey, bro…” Jesus comes in, offering a hand and pulling Levi close.

“Hey,” Levi says back, hugging Jesus tightly. Every time he gets a Jesus-hug it reminds him of getting a hug from Dad. He’s still not sure why.

“Do you wanna be on Pearl and Dominique’s video?” Fran asks Jesus.

“Sure,” Jesus says. “But we’re pretty crunched for time, so we gotta get going and find Levi’s bags, so we can jet.”

“Nah, I just brought a carry-on, so I don’t need to get luggage,” Levi explains, boosting Fran higher on his hip.

Fran presses the button to flip the camera’s focus from her face to Jesus’s as she narrates:

“Here’s Jesus, all dressed up for the wedding. And here’s our matching shoes,” Francesca shows her own dangling feet and Jesus’s.

“Hey, Pearl. Hey, Dom. Miss you guys,” Jesus says.

Fran stops the Polo. “Can I get down now? I wanna walk.”

“Sure,” Levi answers. “You look great, Fran. I love your hair.” He sets her down and holds on a few extra seconds, until she says she’s got her balance.

Finally, his gaze falls on Mariana in a stunning dress. Her new headphones match the pink heart-shaped flowers on her long skirt. Her sunglasses make her look like she belongs in another era.

“Hi,” he says.

She thrusts a piece of paper at him.

Levi opens it, putting his glasses on.

_ No session w/ Nadiya this morning. We wrote this last week: _

  * _Please ask before you touch me (esp today)_


  * Explain / be as clear as you can abt what is happening


  * Please be patient. Words will be extra hard today.


  * Please protect me by honoring what I need.



Levi does not hesitate before taking out a pen and signing the bottom of the paper. Then, he hands it back.

“Oh, were we supposed to sign this, Mari?” Fran asks. (And Levi realizes that this isn’t just something for him, but for all those who Mari will be in contact with.)

“If you want,” she nods.

“Can we save the signing for the car?” Jesus asks. Dudley whines a little at his side.

Levi realizes that Mariana’s not the only one struggling.

“Yeah, let’s go to the car. We’ve got a long drive to get back to the church in time…” He gives Mariana a meaningful look, hoping this is enough context, without outing Jesus’s LA anxiety to the airport at large. Then: “May I hold your hand?”

Mariana nods and extends hers. 

Levi takes it and squeezes gently. Mariana’s grip is tight. Her hand is cold.

“Dude, people are looking…” Jesus complains, ducking his head.

“Because we’re dressed up fancily,” Fran insists. “Don’t worry, buddy.”

“Yeah, I think it wouldn’t be so bad if we didn’t all look like we were ready for prom…” Levi adds.

They get to the car, and Levi opens the passenger door for Mariana. He gets in the back with Francesca. He realizes they’re flanking Dudley who’s sitting in the middle of the back seats, smiling.

“Oh, this is perfect,” Levi says, just barely able to resist petting Dudley. He tries not to talk to him, either, knowing Jesus needs him, but Levi can’t resist whispering just how much he missed Dudley.

Fran has Mari’s piece of paper and signs her name.

“Hasani?” Levi asks, noticing her signature. “That’s Timothy’s last name, right?”

“Yeah. And I’m allowed to write my name however I want to. Dr. H. says,” Fran passes along. “It would be my name, if I was like my friends at school and had one of each.”

“One of each?” Levi asks.

“A mom and a dad,” Fran fills in. She passes the paper up to Jesus, who signs so fast Levi guesses he only had time for initials.

Then, they’re driving. Fran’s talking a mile a minute. Jesus is focused on the road, and Mariana’s quiet.

“Can we stop at home?” Fran asks as they reach San Diego. She’s wiggling around in her seat. 

“Buddy, Moms said the wedding starts at 5:00,” Jesus reminds. “We have almost no time as it is…”

“But I have to pee,” Fran complains. “Bad…”

“We’re closer to church anyway. There’s a bathroom there,” Jesus reassures.

\--

Francesca takes Jesus’s offer to run her inside the church, because he goes faster than her, and this is a super big emergency. He sets her down outside the girls’ bathroom and waits. 

She darts inside, wishing it was like the staff bathrooms at school - a big room with one lock. But this one is just regular with one kind of large stall.

Fran goes inside and tries to make sure she gathers up all of her dress in her hands before she sits down.

She just makes it.

Then, it’s so embarrassing, because Fran can hear other voices coming inside. Not even Mariana or Callie or anybody she knows.

Fran glances through the crack in the stall door and can make out a skinny section of a girl about her same age. She has blonde hair and a perfect white dress, like she’s the bride or something.

“ _ I’m so glad you could do this, Veronica.”  _ Talya’s voice says.  _ “I missed you so much.” _

_ “I know, _ ” Veronica says.  _ “I can’t believe it’s been three whole years since we saw each other, and you still thought of me to be the flower girl in your wedding.” _

Francesca’s mouth drops open. She closes it. Tries holding her breath.

Veronica’s in the stall right next to Francesca, going pee, too.

_ “Of course, I thought of you! I thought of you first!”  _ Talya says.

The toilet flushes. And that’s when Francesca hears Veronica’s voice again:

_ “Uh-oh…” _

“ _ What do you mean,  _ ‘Uh-oh? _ ’  _ Talya asks.

_ “I think I might’ve accidentally flushed the ring down the toilet,”  _ Veronica worries.

_ “What?!”  _ Talya says. “ _ What are you doing with my ring?” _

_ “Nothing! Mom gave them to me to hold onto because Vincent is too little to keep track of them. I was supposed to give them to him right before I went down the aisle.” _

_ “Hey. Chop-chop,”  _ Brandon’s voice says from the hall.  _ “Are we getting married, or what?” _

Francesca sits frozen. Veronica sounds like she’s about to cry, and Talya’s telling Brandon to wait. And they’re looking inside the toilet. And in all the sinks.

Finally, Fran moves to stand up. Her foot skids a little and she lifts it. Talya’s big fat diamond ring is under her shoe. Fran bends down and picks it up carefully. She tucks it into her sloth fanny pack. Flushes. Walks out.

“Um… Talya?” Fran asks. “This must’ve accidentally rolled into my stall…” She holds out the ring.

“Oh, my God…” Talya says, taking the ring from Fran. She spins around fast to Veronica. “Now. Guard this with your life.”

They leave Fran standing alone.

\--

Mariana can hardly handle this. She and Levi barely showed their faces in the church with Jesus, before they got asked by Talya’s parents to greet people going to find seats.

Levi keeps checking in on her. He found her a chair. But it’s the last thing she wants to be doing right now. Smiling. Putting on an act. 

**_Levi:_ **

_ Please don’t leave me alone with your moms. _

**_Mariana:_ **

_ I won’t. _

Fran walks over then, away from Jesus. 

“Buddy. What’s going on?” he asks.

“I told you already, I don’t wanna talk about it…” Fran huffs, walking over to stand in the gap between Mari and Levi (right in front of the open doors to the sanctuary.)

Mariana doesn’t have the first clue what’s going on. She also has no idea what to do when Stef and Lena just walk right up with pleasant as hell smiles on their faces.

“Hey. So, things are running a little behind,” Lena says. “Ring drama.”

“Thank God, Veronica found the ring after Vincent lost it. Can you imagine?” Stef muses, laughing, but Mari can see the stress in her face.

“That’s not what happened,” Fran interjects.

“Buddy, don’t block the doors, okay?” Jesus advises gently. 

She steps to the side, toward Levi. “Oh, Moms. This is Levi. Be nice to him. He’s our friend,” she introduces.

“Very nice to meet you...Levi?” Stef questions. “Are you…? I’m sorry. You’re not Pearl West’s little brother, are you?”

“Yes, ma’am,” Levi says.

And Mariana blinks. Levi’s transformed in front of her eyes. While part of her is melting at his manner the other part is alarmed. Mariana can’t explain it, but it’s like he’s caught. It’s subtle. His panic is mostly silent. But Mariana can see the fear glazing his eyes. Stef has her hand out, expectant. Levi’s are both tucked behind his back. It strikes her that it’s like he’s guarding himself. Back to the wall.

Stef’s hand stays out longer than comfortable, but Levi never offers his own.

“That’s not what happened,” Fran interjects again when it’s obvious the conversation’s stalled. “With the ring. Vincent didn’t lose it. Veronica did. She thought she flushed it down the toilet, but it really rolled under my shoe in the next stall.  _ I _ found it.”

“That’s good, honey,” Stef says. 

“Well, aren’t you going to tell Talya not to lie?” Fran asks, hurt.

“Francesca… Keep your voice down, sweetie. It’s Talya’s special day. Alright? We can talk to her about the ring afterward. She’s about to walk down the aisle right now. It’s not the time,” Lena advises. “Let’s go in and find seats. It’s nice to meet you, Levi.”

“It’s-- It’s nice to meet you, too…” he says back.

Mariana catches his stutter - his stress-related tell - at being this close to Moms.

She feels terrible for asking him to do this.

But then, she remembers: 

Levi offered.

And she feels a little less awful.

\--

Levi clicks Marco Polo back on, tucking his phone in his shirt pocket, lens out, as he walks into the sanctuary to find seats. Mariana’s beside him. Levi can feel eyes on them. Knows Mariana looks stunning. His gaze flickers to the side where he recognizes Callie from photos, poised in a suit with a professional camera, snapping photos.

When Jesus follows, with Dudley at his side, and Fran holding his other hand, Levi just catches the pause in picture-taking, before it resumes. He remembers Jesus’s sensitivity to being photographed.

They find seats.

The ceremony begins.

Mariana has yet to let go of his hand.


	23. Vows

Pearl wipes her eyes. She’s such a sap about weddings. She’s not even sure why. She’s not a romantic person in any sense of the word. But perhaps, it’s the vulnerability. (Perhaps, it’s seeing Brandon Foster all grown up and getting married, when she remembers the chubby little baby in the Winnie the Pooh clothes that she held for a day.) 

He was such a good baby. So calm. So observant. As long as Pearl (then fourteen) had held him and bounced him a little, he had been content.

It feels like just yesterday. (Is this how parents feel? God, how is she going to do when it’s Levi or Jesus, or Mari or Dominique getting married?)

The music playing sounds like an intriguing mix of classical and contemporary, but it’s nothing she’s ever heard before. Levi zooms into the program then, reading her mind from afar and showing Pearl and Dominique:

_ Song: Step Into the Future  _ \-  _ Brandon Foster _

_ Ah _ , Pearl realizes, blowing her nose.  _ He’s a pianist _ . She’d forgotten.

Cleo licks Pearl’s face and snorts. Panther grumbles, missing Levi.

“Ladies, please. We’re at a wedding…” Pearl hushes the dogs. 

They fall silent.

“Thank you,” she says.

\--

Francesca sees Brandon at the front of the church. Jude is standing closest to him. She can hear it’s one of his songs playing right now. One of the ones he writes on piano, with no words.

Callie rushes to the front, leaving the photography job to Fran doesn’t know who, and standing closest to the inside - right where Talya will be.

All of a sudden, Fran feels tense all over her CP side. Because here comes Veronica, down the aisle. It’s the first time Francesca can see all of her at once. Her blonde hair. Her blue eyes. Her perfect white dress, like she’s Talya’s clone. She has white shoes like the ones Moms wanted Fran to wear today, and Veronica can walk in them, no problem. She drops the perfect amount of flower petals on the ground all the way down the aisle.

Fran is so jealous. Tears come to her eyes, and she blinks them back. She doesn’t want the pictures of today to show her crying.

Next, everybody stands up, because Talya’s coming down the aisle. Brandon’s song keeps on playing. Her belly’s gotten lots bigger. Baby Talon is only three months away from being born. 

Fran stands, too, and turns all the way sideways so she can hold onto the pews on either side for balance. She hopes Levi or Jesus is helping Mari if she needs it.

\--

Mariana tries to stay upright and track Talya down the aisle, but her walk feels like it takes a thousand years. Mariana needs to sit, but she’s aware of Stef and Lena in the front pew, faced this way, to follow Talya’s progress.

If they see her sit, will they judge her? Will other people?

She sways, unsteady.

“We can sit,” Levi urges.

And Mariana’s relieved as not only Levi, but also Jesus and Fran sit at the same time as she does.

\--

This wedding reminds Jesus of his moms’. Around this time of year. He and Mariana had been fifteen. Home less than two years. The whole thing had been chaotic as hell, but he’d kept it together before epically losing his shit after the fact.

All their friends had been looking at him. All the people with cameras. All the sibs lined up at the front in place of bridesmaids and groomsmen. The expectation of saying stuff about Moms. Giving toasts. Jesus hadn’t known what to say. So he’d let Mariana speak for both of them, which she hadn’t minded.

It was just supposed to be a small thing in the yard. He knew marriage had been legal in California since 2008. But they’d been trying to wait ‘til it was legal in all 50 states before they tied the knot. 

In the end, though, Lena couldn’t wait.

Jesus shakes his head. He wonders if that’s what B remembers. Him having such a hard time with Moms’ wedding, and wanting to minimize that stress? But then, Brandon didn’t even bother talking to Jesus about any of it. So he really has no idea.

Before Jesus knows it, the marriage dude is telling Brandon he may kiss the bride. (Jesus feels sure that if he ever gets married - and that’s a big if - he’s gonna be sure that whoever it is consents themselves to being kissed. He’s not just gonna take some religious dude’s word as the go-ahead.)

A memory is here. An old one. Another kiss. Another time. 

Jesus feels like there should be another word for it. For what happened to him versus what B and Talya are doing. 

He touches his own lips. Tries to shake off the feeling that he still might be in major trouble if Moms ever found out, because kissing on the lips wasn’t allowed when you were a kid… Even though it hadn’t been Jesus’s idea. Even though he hadn’t said yes. He hadn’t been able to speak at all.

Jesus stands and claps and B and Talya head back down the aisle and out the doors. He ignores the rows being dismissed in any kind of order, and urges Fran up. Mari and Levi follow.

\--

The reception is small. Jesus had been debating going at all, but Fran insisted they had to, because she promised to bring Dominique cake.

Levi takes the opportunity to record the space. The cake, before it’s cut. 

The dances.

The glasses clinking, and what it all means, makes Levi anxious as he watches them kiss on demand. Fran is really getting into this. And finally, Jesus has to ask her to stop, please.

They listen as Callie toasts Talya:

_ “Talya’s been in our family for as long as Jude and I have… Growing up with you has been like having another sister. We certainly fought like sisters… I know you and Brandon are gonna be so happy together. And I can’t wait to see what you’re both like as parents…” _

As Jude toasts Brandon:

_ “When I came to live here… I was scared that this house was gonna be like all the others. A place where I’d be hurt.  _

_ “Once, right after I got there...I...was in our brother’s room. I told Brandon I was exploring...but he got really angry at me. I thought this house was going to be like all the rest...but...that night...he told me. He told me, no matter how mad he got, he’d never hurt me. _

_ “I guess...I know that’s not the kind of thing you’re supposed to say at a wedding, but it’s my first memory of you, Brandon. We were four years apart. Didn’t have anything in common. But I looked up to you. And I still do. And I hope you find all the happiness you’re looking for.” _

Levi finds himself blinking tears from his eyes, as Brandon gets up from his seat and hugs Jude right then and there. 

Callie takes a picture.

\--

_ “I just don’t understand how they allowed-- _

_ “Levi, this is-- _

_ “--their daughter to wear a suit!” _

_ “--nice to meet--” _

_ “People will think she’s--” _

_ “Look at Mariana--” _

_ “Miracle she’s--” _

_ “--her under control--” _

_ “--looks that way.” _

Mariana’s head is splitting at all the conversations. Between Talya’s parents losing their shit about Callie wearing a suit, Levi meeting Callie and Jude, and random relatives on both sides gossiping about Mariana’s ‘miraculous’ recovery, she’s sure she’s about to lose it.

“Excuse me,” Levi interjects. “We can both hear you right now,” he says, offering Mariana headphones, which she puts on, clicking the noise-canceling button. She can still hear Levi, but the other noise is nonexistent.

The older ladies stare. “Well,” one says, nonplussed. “I was just saying--”

“We know. We know exactly what you’re saying. We are asking you to stop,” Levi says. “Please.”

“Just who do you think you are?” another says.

“He’s family,” Jesus speaks up. “Don’t talk about Mariana,” he insists, low.

“Yeah!” Fran says, carrying a small Tupperware container with a slice of wedding cake inside.

“Let’s get out of here,” Jesus says.

Mariana nods, grateful that their twin telepathy still works, when they need it.

\--

Dominique’s been enjoying the wedding Polos like it’s a reality show. From her couch, with popcorn and Roberta.

But her night improves dramatically when Levi asks if Dom is up for a visit.

“Yeah. Hell, yeah. If you don’t mind a messy apartment…” Dominique says.

She’s stunned when there’s a knock on the door a minute later. 

It takes Dominique some time to limp to the door, but she’s more mobile than she’s been - very nearly one-hundred percent.

She pulls the door open, and finds not only Levi but Mariana, Jesus and Fran standing gathered outside her door.

“Hi,” Levi says.

“Hi yourself,” Dominique grins. “Come in!”

“Oh God, look at it,” Levi exclaims. “I never got to see the bayou in person…”

“It’s amazing,” Dominique approves. She turns to embrace Mariana, and then Francesca, who carries her promised cake.

“How are you doing?” she asks Mariana. And Mari just shakes her head. 

“My room’s open. If you need quiet,” Dom offers, sympathetic. She knows exactly what today is for Mariana, and can’t imagine being expected to be ‘on’ on a day like this.

Mariana goes immediately, closing the door behind her.

“This is cake from the exact wedding we were at,” Fran enthuses.

“And these are from Pearl,” Levi adds, offering brownies Dominique somehow missed with all the arrivals.

“Feel free to share the brownies if you want. Leave me one. And I’d like the cake,” Dominique passes along, as Levi and Fran get plates and silverware from the kitchen.

“Hey,” Dom says to Jesus.

“Hey,” he says back. 

“Nice wedding,” Dominique comments.

“Not mine, but thanks,” Jesus nods.

“I think I’m gonna go check on Mari. One of y’all should video call Pearl. She’s gonna be pissed if she misses Avoider time..” Dominique passes along, before she knocks on her own bedroom door.

\--

Mariana pulls the door open when she hears the knock, and then leans on the ladder. She’s left the lights off. Only the gentle outline of holiday lights shows from near the ceiling.

“You okay?” Dominique asks.

“No,” Mariana shakes her head. She takes out her crumpled piece of paper, and shows it to Dominique, who finds a pen and signs it, too.

“Did someone break this? Did they touch you without asking…?” Dominique ventures.

“No,” Mariana shakes her head. “But...they knew things...about my recovery… Talked about it. Right in front of us.”

“God,” Dominique shudders. “I’m sorry.”

“I’m sorry,” Mariana echoes. “God, I’m awful. How are you?”

“Fine. I’m almost back to fighting form…” Dominique jokes. She sobers again. “I’m just...sorry.”

“I just...can’t filter anything...anymore...at all…” Mariana manages.

“No one’s asking you to. You wanna get out of that thing? I’m sure I’ve got sweats that’ll fit you,” Dominique offers. “I’ll guard the door.”

Mariana blinks back tears. She breathes a sigh of relief as Dominique puts the soft fabric in her hands and closes the door at her back.

“I’m right out here,” she says, snagging a pillow from the corner of the room.

\--

“She okay?” Levi checks, offering Dominique the piece of cake in the Tupperware, and a fork.

Dominique scoots over, herself and the pillow, so she’s closest to the knob and pats the floor beside her. 

Levi doesn’t comment. Just joins her, his back to the door, too.

Dominique shakes her head before digging into the cake. “Damn, this reminds me of these raspberry cordials I had at my gran’s house growing up. You okay?”

“I...met their parents…” Levi admits, keeping his voice low.

Dominique wrinkles her nose. “Do I wanna know?”

“They were fine...but not…” Levi manages. “You know?”

“Yeah, trust me. I know,” Dominique nods. “God, this is good…” she moans. “Thank you, Fran, for the cake,” she calls.

“Oh my gosh, I almost forgot to tell you. The flower girl? She thought she dropped Talya’s wedding ring in the  _ toilet _ !” Fran’s gleeful. But then her face falls. “I found it, but Talya lied, and said the flower girl found it. Moms said I should let her lie because it’s her special day. Her special day is Hate-on-Fran Day, I guess.”

“Aw,” Dominique says, opening her arms. “That sounds terrible. I’m so sorry.”

Fran sits there next to her, cuddled up. 

“Jesus? Wanna join?” Levi asks. 

He glances up from the couch, where he’s on his phone.

Jesus comes over and sits beside Levi, showing them all Pearl on his screen. 

“Hey… Where’s Mari?” Pearl asks.

“She’s taking a break,” Dominique says.

“Aw, love you Mari!” Pearl calls loudly.

“ _ Love you _ ,” Mari says from behind the closed door.

“Thank you guys for coming,” Dominique says. “Means a lot.”

“Can I sit on your pillow, too?” Fran asks.

“ _ Francesca, Dominique needs that. It’s an accommodation, _ ” Pearl passes along easily.

“An accommodation for your butt,” Fran giggles.

“You bet your butt,” Dominique smiles. “Now, please stop saying butt.”

“Fine,” Fran sighs.

\--

Jesus feels it when Mariana sits down on the other side of the door. 

By now, they’ve shuffled around some. Fran with Dom, Jesus beside them in Levi’s place. Levi off to the side a little, taking pictures of the bayou painting.

Jesus inches his hand under the door and waits. Eventually, Mari finds it.

“We’re here,” he tells Mariana. 

“You can stay tonight, if you want,” Dominique invites. 

“Levi and Fran can stay with me,” Jesus volunteers, “So, we’ll all be close by.”

“ _ And I’m just a phone call away… Or a message… _ ” Pearl adds.

“Okay,” Mariana sighs.

“Who else can’t wait til April?” Fran asks, yawning, her head resting on Dominique’s good leg. “Everybody?”

“Yes,” they chorus.

“Good,” Fran says, her eyes closing. “Me, either.”


	24. Conversations

When Francesca gets back to Jesus’s apartment with him and Levi she turns and says:

“Levi, you love me more than Brandon, right?”

Levi blinks like he’s surprised. “Um,” he says.

“Do you _ feel  _ more loved by Levi, buddy?” Jesus checks.

Fran nods and flops onto Jesus’s futon. “I love it here. Remember when I used to live here,” she sighs. “That was the best.”

Levi joins Fran. “I don’t know how much Brandon loves you. And I don’t think it helps to compare...but I do know that  _ I _ love you. I love all you guys. And I do make sure you feel that. Because my parents did that for me.”

“Crap,” Jesus exclaims. “Sorry,” he apologizes. “You just reminded me. I need to call Moms, and tell them you’re staying here, Fran…”

“They probably won’t even answer their phones,” Fran shrugs.

“Better call them anyway,” Jesus says. “You need to get ready for bed and brush your teeth...and get to sleep. School tomorrow.”

Fran groans. But she gets up and walks to the bathroom. It’s not until she’s inside that she remembers she forgot to grab pajamas.

“Somebody! I forgot pajamas!” she calls.

While she waits, Fran’s eyes fall on Jesus’s sink as she sees the face cloths there that smell all good, like grapefruits. She’s been waiting and waiting for her whole life to use these. And now? She’s actually wearing makeup she can wipe off!

When Jesus comes to hand off her pajamas, Fran asks him: “Buddy, can I use one of your face cloths?”

A smile twitches over his face. “Well...you’re not quite a teenager yet...but yeah...looks like you could use one.”

“What do you mean? These are only for teenagers? I wear deodorant, Jesus. I’m getting more mature,” she points out.

“I know, buddy. I was just remembering when you were little, asking if you could use these. Moms said when you were a teenager, you could.”

“And then what did I say?” Fran asks. She loves these stories.

“You said you were a teenager right now,” Jesus grins.

“How old was I really?” Fran checks.

“Four,” Jesus remembers.

Fran laughs. “I was funny, wasn’t I?

“Yeah. Listen, I left a message for Moms that you’re staying here, and I’ll take you to school. I know memory lane’s a fun place--”

“--The funnest,” Fran agrees.

“But you need to hustle up, okay? I know it’s different because Levi’s staying over, but it’s still a school night.” Jesus says.

Fran turns to the sink and carefully pulls out one face cloth. It feels kind of the same as a wipe for cleaning the house, but thinner. She puts it on her face and smells it.

“Yum,” she says, from underneath, where it smells like she’s inside a giant grapefruit.

“It’s fun to get to try new things,” Jesus remarks. “I know you’ve been wanting to try this one for a while. I’m closing the door for privacy for you.”

“Okay, bye,” Fran says. Then she takes her time, wiping off the makeup, even though she kind of wants to keep her eyeshadow forever. It’s so pretty.

She’s finally out of the bathroom. Jesus’s futon is unfolded and ready, and she can see Jesus and Levi blowing up the air mattress in Jesus’s spare room for Levi.

“Am I sleeping on the futon with you?” Fran wonders.

“I was thinking,” Jesus nods. “If that’s cool. Since I usually just have the one air mattress and we didn’t ask Dom to borrow hers.”

“Can I have a snack?” Fran asks, even though she’s full to bursting with food.

“You just had dinner at the wedding, plus cake, plus brownies at Dominique’s…” Jesus points out. “What else do you want?”

“Not to go to bed yet.” Fran yawns.

Jesus tosses her a Ziploc with a few vanilla wafers in it, just in case.

The only part of her wedding look that still exists is her hairstyle Callie did for her. If Francesca’s careful, she might be able to sleep in it tonight and go to school with it tomorrow.

Levi and Jesus both come out and sit on either side of her on the futon. They give her hugs.

“It was so good to see you, Francesca. I’m glad you found Talya’s ring,” Levi tells her honestly. “You really saved the day.”

“You really did, buddy,” Jesus nods. “Talya might be lying her ass off about it, but we know the truth. We believe you.”

“Thanks, Brovoiders,” Fran smiles. “That makes me feel better. But I’m gonna miss you so much, Levi. Because I’ll have to go to school, and then I’ll come back and you’ll be gone…”

“But then, it’s only 46 more days until we get to see each other again,” Levi says. “We should do a countdown or something.”

“That means 46 days ‘til my birthday!” Fran exclaims. “We can celebrate together, right?”

“Oh, we’re planning on it,” Jesus nods. “But try to think of calm things right now. You need your rest.”

“I’ll say bye for now, just in case I’m a zombie tomorrow morning…” Levi says, hugging her again.

She shudders. “Don’t say zombies. Dominique accidentally scared me one time talking about a zombie room and I thought she had an actual room full of zombies in her house…”

“That sounds terrifying,” Levi agrees, sympathetic. “Well, I’ll say bye now just in case I’m really tired, tomorrow…” he corrects.

“Bye,” Fran says, hugging him again. “Thank you for coming for Mariana on her trauma day.”

“Did she tell you that?” Levi asks, concerned.

“She told Moms it’s the day the thing happened. Usually, when we just say generally, it’s because we’re talking about trauma. Pearl said,” Fran explains.

“Ah,” Levi nods, but he doesn’t say if Fran is right or not.

She lies down and Jesus tucks the blankets around her. He gives her Ord the dragon to cuddle, because she doesn’t have Slothy. And she’s asleep in no time. Because weddings make you tired.

\--

“Just like old times, right?” Levi grunts as he and Jesus tip the mattress up against the wall and sit against it.

“Basically,” Jesus sighs. “Listen, thanks for letting Fran know we believe her about the ring. She was pretty bummed about that.”

“I know,” Levi nods. He lowers his voice. “Well, it’s gotta suck. Knowing the bride’s known you your whole entire life but picks some kid she hasn’t seen in years. It felt personal to her, because it was…”

“Yeah. How are you?” Jesus checks.

Levi sighs, scratching his neck. “I don’t know. I wish I wasn’t just out here for twenty four hours. I wish there was time for me to just be.”

“I know what you mean. I’d love to get out to Avoidance with everybody, but everybody’s not even here, so…” he shrugs. “I hate weddings.”

“How do you hate weddings? Just this one? Or…” Levi asks.

“The being kissed on command, I guess?” Jesus shares. “It just...reminded me.”

“Yeah,” Levi agrees. “Things are getting worse for me at home. I started having panic attacks...at work.”

“At the new job?” Jesus checks.

“Right,” Levi nods. “Plus, it’s like… I’m still like… I don’t know how to even describe it… About Dad… It’s like… I have all this new information about him. And it makes me mad at him. And I hate that.”

“Were you never mad at him before?” Jesus asks, incredulous.

“Not really?” Levi admits. “And now I am, and it...doesn’t feel fair...because he can’t defend himself or explain…” Levi manages. “Plus, I still feel like a horrible person because of what I did to Pearl. Honestly, I was surprised you wanted me to come at all.”

“Levi, of course we wanted you to come. You were a kid. You made a big mistake. People make big mistakes. When I was in kindergarten,” he says, remembering his conversation last night with Francesca. “Mariana and I were in separate classrooms. I sat in the back right next to a window. The window was usually open. So, I’d wait for the teacher to get busy and I’d climb out the window and walk to Mariana’s classroom.”

“Oh, my God…” Levi grins, picturing Mariana as a five-year-old. It strikes him that he’s never seen pictures of either one of them as children, except for the one of them on the first day of fourth grade, that Jesus shared last spring.

“Yeah, and then Lena got involved. She was the assistant principal, and we were staying with her. It was a whole thing,” Jesus remembers.

“But that’s honorable,” Levi objects, the smile falling from his face. “You wanted to check on your sister. I _ lied _ to mine. For months. About who I was. About our Dad still being alive.”

“You didn’t know she knew otherwise,” Jesus points out. “And you had a good reason, too. You were doing what you did for your dad,” Jesus knows.

“He left me with her…with...with Carla” Levi breathes. “To go check on my mom. A grown woman. Then, he had an asthma attack...and… I know he couldn’t help that… And I love my Mom, but like… Why choose her? Why choose the adult when she could protect herself? I couldn’t.”

“Stef left me to have a rape exam all by myself...when I was thirteen… When I’d just escaped…” Jesus shares.

The story sounds familiar. From a few months ago. The anniversary of Jesus’s kidnapper's death. 

Levi doesn’t speak. There’s nothing to say to that.

“My point is… Parents make mistakes, too. They’re human, too. Like Char says, sometimes they drop the ball - and  _ we’re _ the ball. Sometimes, it’s bad. And we gotta somehow deal with that.” He sighs. “Might be easier for me, knowing that? Since basically all my parents ever in life have sucked. Must be hard, knowing even the great ones have their moments.”

“It is,” Levi sighs.

“But...what I notice is...I live differently because of their mistakes. I never leave babies alone… I always make sure there’s food,” Jesus says.

“I don’t leave anyone behind,” Levi manages. “No matter what.”

“Right,” Jesus nods. “Your dad probably learned a lot from his parents.”

“He didn’t really have his parents long. They died in a car accident, when he was eight. His sister raised him. My auntie Lonnie,” Levi shares.

“Then he had to learn a lot on his own,” Jesus points out. “I’m not saying you should give him a pass, Levi. Because he wasn’t still eight when he made parenting choices about you...but...just...we only know what we know. I know the difference between a good parent and a crappy one. Your dad was a good dad. But he was also a human dad.”

“I just can’t be mad at him,” Levi manages, wiping his eyes.

“But isn’t he the one who always told you and Pearl that emotions are good?” Jesus asks. “All of them?”

“Yes,” Levi smiles.

“So, be mad at him. He’s still gonna love you.”

Levi meets his eyes. “I think that’s what I’ve been afraid of.”

“You can get mad at me, and I’ll still love you. I know I’m not your dad...but…” Jesus shrugs.

“You have dad energy,” Levi says, knowing. 

“From doing the parent thing ever since I can remember,” Jesus nods ruefully. “It’s the trauma.”

“Thank you. Not for the trauma. But like...for talking to me about this. It’s been hard. There’s not really a lot of space for me to fully have my feelings at home...without worrying about bumping up against Mom’s grief...or Pearl’s.”

“You can have all your feelings here, dude,” Jesus reassures, putting an arm around Levi.

“Yeah, I know I’ve heard that somewhere before…” Levi manages, through tears.


	25. Confidences

Jesus had said they were here.

And they were...until they weren’t.

That’s the problem.

She hates this. Hates today and how it means that she can’t feel safe with Levi around, even when he came all this way to be there for her.

“They went next door,” Dominique offers. “Can Pearl and I come in...or do you wanna come out? I’m not really sure I’m up for climbing the ladder yet…” she ventures.

And Mariana’s not so sure she wants to be in any room with a bed right now, even with her friends.

She leaves the dress in a heap on the floor. She doesn’t have the energy to do anything with it, and picking it up might just unlock whatever happened to her memories of getting dressed...after Nick had…

Mariana eases open the door and squints in the light, glad to be in Dominique’s baggy gray sweatpants and green tee shirt.

Dominique reaches up and turns off the light closest to them. The rest are already off except for one in the kitchen. That at least lets Mari have enough light to move around without tripping.

She goes to the couch and sprawls on it. Dominique pulls out a giant body pillow and gets comfortable on the floor.

Mariana feels bad for taking over her apartment like this, especially when Dominique is still recovering, but Dom says she doesn’t mind. So maybe she really doesn’t.

She can’t see Pearl, which is just as well. Dominique’s got her tablet facing her. Mariana’s got her eyes closed. But she can still hear them.

“It was bad? Today?” Pearl ventures.

“It sure as hell wasn’t good,” Mariana replies, her inflection gone into the void with all her energy.

“Want us to ask about it?” Dominique checks.

“I..wanna talk… I can’t if...nobody asks…” Mariana manages.

“Right. So…” Pearl ventures.

“So, you mentioned that some people...they had seen that site about you? Did anyone help?” Dominique asks.

“Levi,” Mariana sighs, relieved. “He...said we could hear them. They didn’t like it or whatever. Said who did he think he was. Jesus was like, ‘He’s family,’ and then Fran spoke up, too.”

“That’s good, I’m glad,” Pearl nods.

“They’re...family now, though. The ones who… They read everything. I don’t even know them. Levi read it all. But I can’t even be near him. We can’t even be around each other...without it being…”

“Without it being what?” Pearl asks.

“Prescribed, or something?” Mariana tries, desperate to find the word she means. “We can’t, like, be...the way we are naturally. Where he’s...him and I’m me...and we just see each other or whatever.”

“That sounds awful… Sounds like Levi’s the only one who has the full context of the hellsite. And you need safeguards in place today for your trauma...so...it probably feels like safeguards against him…” Dominique reviews. “Does it?”

“I think she’s-- I’m sorry, Mari, for interrupting,” Pearl apologizes. “It’s just… I wonder if you’re saying...more… You miss being able to exist around him and talk to him, especially knowing what he knows about the hellsite?”

“That,” Mari confirms. “He’s the only one who gets it. And I can’t talk to him. Because I’m fucking exhaused...and because I had to watch...them being left out....”

“Jesus and Fran?” Dom guesses.

Mariana nods in the dark. She has no idea if they can see her.

“Jesus and Fran,” Dominique confirms for Pearl and Mariana knows Dominique can see her well enough.

“...And watch a pregnant lady...come down the aisle...and hear B singing...about having a baby. His own family. His future. When it just...kills me. I’m heavy. I ache. Because that isn’t that for me…”

“Motherhood isn’t happy for you?” Pearl tries.

“It’s hell. It’s hell on the babies. It was hell...for us. For me...for Jesus… God, even for Fran… She was so tiny. And alone...and she didn’t come home...for three months… I’d go..and try to like...whatever...where you sit somewhere and don’t move?”

“Protest?” Dom asks.

“I just wanted to stay with her…” Mariana manages and suddenly, tears are here. “I knew. I knew what it was like...and she… Moms couldn’t stay, or wouldn’t stay as much as… Babies need their moms. I was twelve. I knew how long a day could be. So I wanted to go every single day. And I wanted to stay all day. But they wouldn’t let me. I’d try not to move. Pretend I didn’t hear them, but they were bigger. I didn’t like, make a lot of noise, because...the NICU...and I didn’t wanna scare the babies. But like...Moms...hated that I made a scene. That I made them act like that in front of nurses.”

“Act like what?” Pearl wonders.

“You know...what they did to Fran? Back in the spring? Where they kinda hauled her up and made her walk?” Mariana wasn’t there for what happened to Fran, but she remembers it happening to her well enough.

“Then, in the car on the way home, it was just...constant...I’d lose out on getting to see her. Because they decided I couldn’t handle myself. Couldn’t stop lying. Wouldn’t listen when it was time to go…”

“Lying? About what?” Dominique asks.

“They never believed...that I remember...being in the NICU as a baby. Being left by Ana...when we were babies. Home from the hospital. They said stop making up stories. But I wasn’t. I didn’t want her to be alone.”

“...Because you knew how Fran felt,” Pearl finishes, sympathetic.

“They’d give in, and let me see her, of course, but it was like...charged. Stef would drive me over...and we wouldn’t talk the whole way. B and C and Jude...they’d stay home. So, it was just me and Stef. I always felt like she could tell....”

“What?” Dominique asks.

“That I was...keeping something back…” Mariana admits, swallowing. “About Jesus.”

“Right. Fran was born....” Pearl ventures, like she’s trying to get their family timeline straight. 

“Do you wanna share more?” Dominique asks.

“She...was a cop. And I had information...information that I didn’t tell anyone. For years. They thought he left school at the end of the school day. Around 3 PM. But I saw him hours before. In the hall. Our classes passed each other. The lines, you know? And he said he felt sick. And I said he should go home. They were walking to the lunch room. I saw him get out of line and...walk toward the doors.”

“Oh, wow…” Dominique breathes.

“I thought...if they knew about those extra hours...it would mean something. Maybe it would help them find him, but I could never tell. I’d get these horrible stomachaches for years, even after he came back. We decided...it was guilt gut.”

“Mariana?” Pearl asks. “In case no one’s told you? That wasn’t your fault. You were a child. You were nine years old. Younger than Fran is now. Would you blame her for being scared to tell something like that?”

“No...but it was me…” Mariana objects.

“And it’s always harder to give ourselves the benefit of the doubt,” Dominique fills in. 

Mariana pauses. “I’m sorry. That I didn’t ask and I’m talking about this, Dom. I feel like I should be talking about Valentine's Day hell, but I can’t...so…I’m just sorry.”

“You talk about whatever you need to talk about,” Dom encourages. “There’s no handbook for this.” 

There’s silence for a while, and no one rushes to fill it. It allows Mariana’s brain precious seconds to rest.

“For what it’s worth, my dad beats himself up very similarly, and he’s one of the best people I know. He did everything he could,” Dominique shares, quiet.

“He’s your dad,” Mariana objects. 

“And you’re Jesus’s other half,” Pearl speaks up. “It makes complete sense, Mari. We don’t blame you. And we’re so sorry you felt blamed by Stef.”

“And that they apparently feel like it’s cool to handle all of you as kids…” Dominique remarks, bitter.

“It’s just...Moms have no idea...and they don’t want to… Like, what these things do to us… The wedding. Seeing her pregnant. They’re so distracted feeling all their feelings about it, they can’t stop to validate ours. To them...marriage...and babies...that means one thing...happiness. And they can’t grasp that it might also mean this…”

“I have to admit, I’m disappointed in them,” Pearl says. “I know people can’t change overnight but I was so hoping...that there would be some substantive change...for you and Fran and Jesus.”

“They do try…” Mariana objects, but it’s weak, and she knows it. “They notice some things. But it’s so infrequent...it’s still like a surprise when...when they call it out.”

“And you’re so relieved they’re noticing anything at this point, I’m sure…” Pearl fills in.

“Do they notice the important things, though? Their own ableism? Adoption stuff?”

“It’s more...general, I guess. They noticed...when Talya kind of teased me at Christmas. But it wasn’t ableist, it was just her being an ass.”

“I don’t understand what he sees in her…” Pearl muses. “From everything you and Jesus and Fran say, she sounds hideous,” Pearl remarks.

“They’ve known each other since...seventh grade?” Mariana muses. “She was his very first girlfriend. And so...I think it’s the sameness. Also Stef and Mike divorced when he was really young. So he really wants to be there for his kid,” Mariana shares. “Sorry. That’s his to share, I guess.”

“Makes sense,” Pearl yawns. “Well, I have officially consumed half a pot of decaf coffee, but I am fading fast, friends. It’s pushing 2 AM here.”

“Oh, God. Go to bed, please,” Dominique begs.

“Thanks for talking, Mariana. Love you. Tomorrow’s coming soon. It’ll be here before you know it,” Pearl reassures, hanging up.

“I’ve been sleeping on the couch…” Dominique shares, regretful. “But you can take the bed, if you want.”

“Are you sure?” Mariana asks.

“Positive,” Dominique nods.

“I’m so sorry we haven’t checked in with you today,” Mariana apologizes. 

“Don’t worry about it. My life is boring these days. If I need to share, I’ll share. You came through for me when I needed you. Now, it’s my turn. Not to mention, y’all showed up here. Came to see me. Not everybody does that.”

“We do,” Mariana nods, yawning.

“Hell yeah, we do. Love you, Mariana. I’ll be out here. You won’t be alone.”

Mariana has no words left so she waves. Retreats to the bedroom. Closes the door.


	26. Departures

Mariana wakes up the day after B’s wedding feeling like ass. She’s tense. Someone keeps walking outside Dom’s door in the hallway, and she can hear everything. 

Her dreams had been nightmares. Trying to stand up to Stef and having her get right in Mariana’s face. Having Lena try to intervene. Seeing Nick there, just standing in the corner of the room, watching her.

Ana there, young and high.

A baby drowned in a tub of water. 

A towel full of God-knew-what. Evidence of a real baby from somewhere. 

Whose?

While dream Lena tried to calm dream Stef, Mariana rescued the submerged baby, and managed to get it breathing. 

Nick watched.

Mariana was aware of everything. Where everybody was in the room in relation to her. And, this Mariana was sure of: it was pre-injury.

TV crime shows say if there’s a baby in your dreams, that symbolizes you. But trying to figure out which she is - the drowned or the destroyed - hurts her brain. 

And when reality slams into her - that Levi - her only safety in this godforsaken day - is leaving? Mariana wants to curl up and sleep for a thousand years.

But it’s already after 10 AM. Levi’s leaving in less than an hour. So, she has no choice but to move. 

She finds a text from Jesus, inviting them over for breakfast. Mariana drags herself out of bed and across the hall. She doesn’t even do anything to get herself ready, except put her shoes on, and grab her headphones.

Dominique’s awake, watching TV on mute. She waves a little and struggles to her feet when she sees Mari about to leave.

“Ready to go?” Dominique asks.

Mari nods, even though there’s no way in hell she is.

But in no time, they’re tapping on Jesus’s door, and he’s pulling it open.

“Hey. Come on in,” he invites.

But instead, she looks around him for Levi. Gestures to him.

Levi looks startled, but takes a thermos of coffee and a plate holding French toast and walks with Mariana to the elevator. 

They go to the second floor. Where the laundry room is. The office door near it is always closed...but Mariana saw recently...that it’s open. That no one is ever inside.

“Is this okay?” Levi asks.

Mariana has no idea, but she needs privacy. A door to close. No audience. She steps inside and waits for him to follow. She closes the door, thinking about break rooms at the workshop, wishing there was an ‘occupied’ sign she could flip.

She can’t think about what Dom and Jesus have to navigate now, being left alone with just each other.

She goes to the table by the window with the shades drawn, lights still off. Levi joins her, setting the food down.

“What about you?” she asks.

“I ate,” he says. “Are you okay?”

Mariana pushes the food around her plate, but makes herself drink the coffee. “No.”

“I’m sorry,” Levi apologizes.

“I just...wanted…” she shrugs, tearing up. “I wanted...to talk to you...but it’s like...there’s no time. I’m so triggered. I hate life. And I… Feel like I’ve been the biggest ass to you…”

“Mariana, no,” Levi objects. “I knew this would be a hard day for you. That’s why I wanted to come. I wasn’t expecting some happily ever after scenario...where, because it’s a wedding, everything’s fine and everybody’s happy.”

“But I made you sign a thing…” Mari counters.

“You showed me what you needed. I signed it to show you I took it seriously,” Levi says.

“And I..didn’t even say thank you when...the wedding people...started talking about me, and you stood up for me…”

“You don’t have to thank me for basic human decency,” Levi insists.

“I walked away from you after. Just stayed in the bedroom when we could’ve been hanging out… I wasted all of our time…” Mariana laments.

“I don’t think it’s a waste. Trust me, Mariana. Being here for you has never been a waste of my time. I’m glad I came. Glad to be able to be here for you,” Levi nods.

Mariana finally stabs a bite of French toast. “Nightmares…” she mumbles. “Nick was there...and he was the least of my problems…”

Levi watches her, concerned. When it’s clear she’s not going to say anymore, he says, “My dad...kept disappearing.”

“Oh…” Mariana says. She wants to reach out a hand toward him. She can see herself doing it. But her hand won’t move. Trauma roots it to the spot. She wants to say so much. Say she’s sorry for this. For everything. But words are nowhere.

“We don’t have much time…” Levi says, regretful. 

“I care,” Mariana manages. It sounds like she’s pissed. Like they’re in the middle of a fight. “About you. I just...want you to know that…”

“I do know that, but thank you,” Levi says.

Mariana nods. Then she gets up, and tosses her paper plate in the trash and Levi offers to carry her cup. They ride down to the lobby and find Jesus and Dom just coming in from the back patio. Dominique has a pillow with her.

“Bye,” Dominique says, reaching up to hug Levi. “Not ready for long rides in the car yet, but it was so great to see you. Thank you for my painting. I love it. And I’ll see you in a month and a half.”

“See you,” he nods, hugging her gently.

“We should go,” Jesus urges.

\--

Mariana doesn’t even think about what it will mean - this long in a car - she just reacts. Jesus and Levi are going to the airport. When Levi leaves at airports, she goes to see him off.

But the drive is three hours long. And her headphones and sunglasses can’t block out where she is or what’s happening.

“I wish I was drunk right now…” she says, forgetting that both Levi and Jesus can hear her, even though she can’t hear them.

Dudley breathes on her.

Levi turns to her, concern all over his face.

Jesus looks at her in the rearview mirror.

Mariana looks out the window. She shouldn’t have come.

\--

This goodbye is nothing like others Levi has known. He didn’t get up in enough time to say bye to Francesca. Time with Dominique has been brief. And Mariana...it’s a tough day for her...in a different way that his traumaversaries are for him.

It’s hard. Not being here for Mariana. That’s instinct. Second-nature. But seeing her dealing with all this, knowing it never had to happen in the first place...if people just acted like damn human beings instead of like she was an object to own.

He wipes his eyes.

Dudley sticks his head between the seats, checking on Jesus. “I’m good,” he reassures the dog. “I’m getting to be a pro at these drives to LA…”

Old guilt stirs inside Levi. He remembers a time Dom and Fran were there as backup for him while he worked last spring. Fran had gotten exhausted from all the walking and shopping and then she and Dom had gotten stopped by racist higher-ups that decided to tail them.

This reminds him of then. Jesus making this godawful drive to LA. Levi hasn’t even thought about all the ways it might affect him. 

Last spring, the guilt had Levi ducking away when nobody would miss him. Staying away for hours. Dealing by himself. And how is this different?

He’s just gonna leave? Let Jesus and Mariana deal with whatever fallout?

Levi closes his eyes and leans against the window.

“Dude,” Jesus says, keeping his voice low. “What’s up?”

“I’m a horrible person. I didn’t even think about this drive for you…” Levi admits.

“It’s not your job to think about it, Levi. It’s mine. I offered to drive. It’s cool,” Jesus reassures.

“It’s not. I’m...I’m just one more person to leave both of you when you need me…” Levi says, feeling the weight of his own guilt pressing on him.

“You’re going to your house. Where you live. Which was always the plan. You’re not abandoning us, dude. Though...I do appreciate you thinking about us. Remembering that’s an issue. It’s not what I think you’re doing,” Jesus reassures.

“What about Mari?” Levi asks. “She’s not okay.”

“No, she’s not, but she will be. She’s strong as hell, Levi. We never should have survived half the shit we survived, but we did,” Jesus says. 

It feels wrong talking about Mariana when she’s right behind them in the back seat, so Levi goes quiet.

They get to the airport, and he assures them he can take it from here. Grabs his carry-on out of the car. He doesn’t want Jesus to have to deal with an airport or Mariana to have to spend all her energy walking. On top of everything else, it just feels cruel.

“Well, hold on,” Jesus says, and he gets out of the car. “You want a hug for the road?”

Levi smiles, weary, and opens his arms. “Always.”

Jesus’s hugs are long. Full. Strong. Like he’s nourishing you. Filling you somehow. A word comes to Levi. One that Mariana used a few months ago: fortifying. 

Speaking of Mariana, she surprises Levi, getting out of the car. (Jesus gets back in, giving them privacy.) She stands in front of him.

“I want you to know...I’m not abandoning you…” Levi manages. “I know it probably feels like that, but…”

“You have no idea what it feels like…” Mariana comments. She looks drawn and pale, still wearing Dominique’s clothes. Her sunglasses. Her headphones. “If you did, you’d never think to tell me that now. No one… No one who’s abandoned me has...they don’t come through like you do. This is… It’s different. I know that.”

“It is,” Levi nods. “And we’ll see each other soon.”

“Not soon enough,” Mariana sighs. Hesitantly, she steps toward him, opening her arms.

“Are you consenting? Do you want me to hug you?” Levi asks.

“Only if you do,” Mariana comments softly.

“I always do,” Levi nods, and then he narrates everything he’s doing within an inch of its life. 

Once his arms are around her, and Mari’s are around him, she squeezes, hard. It’s almost painful. 

“Still me,” he manages, a little breathless. 

(Her head’s resting against his chest. He wants to say so much more, but the words are jammed in his throat.)

Mariana squeezes even tighter, and then lets him go, and gets back in the car.

Levi waves.

\--

Pearl has never been more glad for Levi’s afternoon flight than she is today. She’d slept until noon after staying up so late talking to The Avoiders. It had been worth it, she reassured herself, even as she cleaned up messes from both dogs, that resulted when Pearl could not be roused to take them outside.

Levi looks exhausted, too, when she picks him up. 

It’s comfortable when he walks right into her outstretched arms. They hug for a long time. She’d felt impossibly lonely without him. It made her wonder how she’d lived such a solitary life for so long before he came into it.

In fact, he sleeps the entire car ride back to the cabin and wakes up blinking and confused when Pearl parks.

“We’re home already?” he asks, sounding impossibly young. It makes her think about what it might have been like to actually get to see him grow up. The fondness quickly turns to an ache.

She smiles, though, wanting Levi to know she missed him. That she’s glad he’s home. There will always be time to heal old wounds. “We’re home already,” she confirms.

They barely get the door open when Panther bounds into Levi at full speed, licking him all over. “Oh, my God… Hi…” he laughs. “I missed you so much.”

Pearl invites him to sit at the table. She makes them tomato soup and grilled cheeses, and listens to him share about his trip. 

“But how are you?” he asks, after he’s exhausted all the updates that are brief expansions on what she already knows, thanks to Marco Polo and Facebook video chat.

“I…” Pearl stops short, old fear stopping her from sharing authentically. “I’m not fine. I was about to tell you I was fine. But that’s not true.”

“Why? What’s wrong?” Levi asks, worried.

“I just...really missed you…” she admits, tearing up. “It was lonely here without you.”

(She does not mention the large heart-shaped box Amazon delivered with a stilted note from Mom, advising her to  _ Enjoy your chocolates, Love Mom.  _ With help from Char and Pav, she managed to throw them away without eating any.)

“Well, now we can stay together indefinitely,” Levi reassures her, yawning. 

She insists on doing the dishes, and it looks like her brother’s about to nod off where he sits. Panther hasn’t left his side, her head in his lap.

“You can go to bed,” Pearl tells him.

“I’m gonna go to bed,” Levi says, not appearing to notice that Pearl just suggested it. “But thanks for this. I missed you, too. It was so weird being there without you.”

“Glad you’re back,” Pearl says.

He hugs her tightly from behind.

“I’ll always be back. I’m learning from Dad’s mistakes,” Levi tells her seriously. Then, he pats his leg briefly and Panther’s at his side.

They disappear downstairs together.

Pearl wipes her eyes, but a soft sob escapes as she braces herself over the sink.

God...she’s needed to hear those words for so long.

How did he know?


	27. Limits

**Mar 4**

**Fran**

_ Hi Mari. Guess what, 29 days until MN! I love you! 6:39 AM _

**Fran**

_ PS I know what today is but IDK if I should talk abt it??? I told Moms dont make you ride in any cars. [heart emoji] [bacon emoji] [eggplant emoji] [corn emoji] 7:41 AM _

**Fran**

_ Oops I did not mean to send bacon but then I just went with it. I am at school. Bye. 8:01 AM _

**Mari**

_ Yay 29 days. Talk abt today carefully. Thx for telling Moms that. Love you. 11:32 AM _

_ \-- _

_ To: lenaadamsfoster75@gmail.com, stefadamsfoster70@gmail.com  _

_ CC: RosaMartinezNAU@gmail.com  _

_ BCC: RahmanNadiya@apexsvs.com _

_ From: MarianaAdamsFoster@gmail.com _

_ Subject: 2 years _

_ Date: Fri. March 4, 2022 - 12:32 PM _

_ Moms, _

_ Can’t get the blog out of my head. Some of T’s family at the wedding knew about it and were talking to me about it. That’s a risk I take whenever I go anywhere. That someone will have read it. _

_ I remember on the blog you said 2 years is the limit for a good recovery or something. You wanted me working hard until then and I have not.  _

_ If this is as good as it gets, are you okay with that? Are you okay with me? _

_ Please don’t write anything about me on social media today. Ppl who need to know already know. _

_ I am trusting you. Don’t screw it up. _

_ Mariana _

_ \-- _

_ To: MarianaAdamsFoster@gmail.com _

_ CC: RosaMartinezNAU@gmail.com _

_ From: lenaadamsfoster75@gmail.com _

_ Subject: Re: 2 years _

_ Date: Fri. March 4, 2022 - 12:47 PM _

_ Mariana, _

_ I am so sorry. We had no idea that Talya’s family had been talking to you about the blog. And I am sorry (again) that I ever asked Brandon to make it. It’s my deepest regret that it will follow you and I should have thought about that. _

_ Rosa told us several times at the workshop that the 2 year recovery window is a myth. I clung so tightly to it before I knew better, honey. _

_ If this you is as good as it gets, absolutely, I am okay with that. More than okay. I love you. And I’m so glad you made it. _

_ I promise, I will not post anything about you on social media today. I understand it’s private and very difficult and not for me to exploit. _

_ I have to run, but I love you so much. Thank you for trusting us. _

_ Do you want anything special tonight for dinner? Or no fuss? _

_ Mama _

_ \-- _

**_Mar 4_ **

**_Mariana_ **

_ Nothing too fancy but nothing I hate, please? 12:49 PM _

**_Lena_ **

_ Got it [heart emojis] _

_ \-- _

_ To: MarianaAdamsFoster@gmail.com _

_ CC: RosaMartinezNAU@gmail.com _

_ From: stefadamsfoster70@gmail.com _

_ Subject: Re: 2 years _

_ Date: Fri. March 4, 2022 - 2:04 PM _

_ Mariana, _

_ I’ve been reliving this day all day long. It’s tough not to watch the clock and think of where you were every minute (out of surgery now, by this time…) _

_ I had some really crappy ideas about what your injury would mean for you (and for me) and I’m sorry about that. I know recovery is not the same for you as it is if somebody breaks a bone, for example. I know you’re doing your best. _

_ To be honest, it’s still going to be hard for me. Being okay with where you are feels like being okay with what happened to you. And I hate that we came so close to losing you. I wish it hadn’t happened at all. I wish you had the life and the future you wanted. The one you planned for and were working towards - being a legal advocate and helping kids. Getting your law degree. _

_ I will not post anything on social media about you. And I’m sorry you’ve had to hear from Talya’s family about the blog. That must be so unnerving. _

_ I love you, and I’ll see you soon. _

_ Mom _

_ \-- _

_ To: RosaMartinezNAU@gmail.com _

_ CC: RahmanNadiya@apexsvs.com _

_ From: MarianaAdamsFoster@gmail.com _

_ Subject: What now _

_ Date: Fri March 4, 2022 - 3:04 PM _

_ Hey Rosa, _

_ So what the fuck am I supposed to do with that? Lena’s response was okay but Stef sounds like she wishes I was back the way I was. I wish that, too, and I know it can’t be but…  _

_ Hearing Stef say it hurts. _

_ And I asked them for things I need...and she came back at me with all her feelings. I have enough of my own feelings. _

_ I feel like I failed. Like I can’t do what was expected. I’ve always been able to do this and now...I just can’t. And I have to deal with Stef’s feelings besides? _

_ I feel like I’m letting everyone down by being me now. Like everyone would rather I was who I was before all this. Even though before all this, I just lived in denial and pretended I was fine. And when I needed help, no one ever listened. _

_ They still have not asked me about February 14th. About why the accident. It feels like they don’t care.  _

_ How was your 2 year anniversary? How did you cope? Any advice? _

_ I feel like I’m drowning. Like I haven’t taken a full breath since the wedding. _

_ Please tell me it won’t always be like this... _

_ Mari _

_ \-- _

_ To: MarianaAdamsFoster@gmail.com _

_ From: RosaMartinezNAU@gmail.com _

_ Subject: Re: What now _

_ Date: Fri March 4, 2022 - 4:07 PM _

_ Mariana, _

_ No way around it, anniversaries suck. _

_ But...is it always going to be like this? _

_ In my experience, no. It does get better. (Specifically, when I was able to move out, and slowly find my own community.) _

_ Also, even if your moms did not catch this, I did. You absolutely HAVE been working hard these past two years. In fact, knowing when to stop working is huge. Allowing your brain time to rest is huge. This will help.  _

_ The reality is there is no time limit on recovery. And we do better when we’re allowed to take things at our pace. Adapt. _

_ You didn’t fail. Knowing your limits isn’t a failure. It’s a brave act.  _

_ It’s not on you that Stef has unresolved feelings about her expectations for you. That’s hers to deal with, and it was not appropriate for her to unload emotionally on you. That’s what you should be able to do with her. _

_ I can see why you feel like you are letting everyone down by being who you are now. But you are not letting me down, Mariana. I’m not glad about what happened to you. But I’m glad we found each other. I’m glad I can be here for you. I’m glad to count you as one of my people. _

_ I’m so sorry they have not yet asked about the 14th. I can talk to them again, if that’s something you’d like. _

_ My 2 year anniversary was also brutal. What you are feeling is totally normal and okay.  _

_ Don’t be afraid to take really gentle care of yourself today - or let others do the same if you find it hard. _

_ Take it one minute at a time if you have to.  _

_ Rosa _

_ \-- _

_ To: MarianaAdamsFoster@gmail.com _

_ From: RahmanNadiya@apexsvs.com _

_ Subject: Re: What now _

_ Date: Fri March 4, 2022 - 5:13 PM _

_ Dear Mariana, _

_ I’m sorry to hear that your moms have not asked you about your trauma date and what it means. I know, based on meeting with you how much you rely on questions to be able to speak - especially on a stressful topic.  _

_ Would you like my help addressing this with them in some way?  _

_ Your feelings are so valid. And I want you to know I think you are doing amazing work, letting your moms know what you need and by reaching out to your community for support.  _

_ You are not responsible for your mother’s feelings. If you need to take space from them today, do that. Surround yourself with people who can and will center you and what you need today. _

_ Who are those people? Do you have your list? _

_ Dr. Nadiya Rahman _

_ \-- _

_ To: RahmanNadiya@apexsvs.com _

_ From: MarianaAdamsFoster@gmail.com _

_ Dear Nadiya, _

_ Yes, I would love your help with bringing up my trauma date with Moms and needing them to ask me questions so I can talk about it...but maybe not right now / not today? (Check in Monday?) _

_ Thank you for reminding me my feelings are valid. I’m at my brother’s right now, so not around Moms. _

_ My list of people: _

_ You _

_ Rosa _

_ Jesus and Levi _

_ Dominique _

_ Pearl _

_ Francesca _

_ Oliver, too. _

_ Sincerely, _

_ Mariana _

_ \-- _

_ March 2022 _

_ Hi Mariana, _

_ I know today is an unbelievably rough one for you. And I thought maybe this would brighten your day, at least a little. _

_ This card is not a toxic positivity card, urging you to look on the bright side at the expense of your own feelings. I totally understand (as much as possible) that this is a traumatic day. But sometimes it does help to be reminded that dark times won’t last forever. That’s my intent with this card. _

_ Anyway, I love you so much and I am so glad you’re in my life. Your support has been so vital to me. I will always remember how you just listened after I drove to pick up Dominique from Super One last spring. _

_ And you being here for Levi has also meant the world. I feel so glad you both have each other and look out for each other.  _

_ What can I do to help today? _

_ Is there anything you need? _

_ Send me a message if something comes to mind, otherwise just know I’m here, and I’ll be checking in. _

_ P.S. I thought it best to send this to Jesus’s since I’m betting you’re probably there and that you likely feel safer with your mail going to you via him. _

_ Whatever you feel is okay. _

_ I love you, _

_ Pearl _

\--

_ Dear Mari, _

_ I know this might be a strange thing to send., and if it’s off-base or in bad taste, you do not have to keep it at all. I just wanted to do something for you that showed you I care about what happened to you.. I get that a pillow might not be something you want from me but this one’s memory foam. And I found a great pillowcase that’s all about how much you love your coffee (“a latte”.)  _

_ Honestly, Mari, I just want you to feel cared about, especially today. So I wanted to send something gentle for your head. _

_ I hope it’s okay. I hope you’re okay. _

_ Love, Levi _


	28. Blanks

Mariana doesn’t know what the hell to do with all of her pillow feelings. On one hand,  _ just _ the pillow does make her feel weird, but once the pillowcase is on, and she sees it? And she lies on it? 

It all makes sense then.

She feels like she should cry, but she doesn’t have any tears. This whole day is a weird blank spot in her memory. In fact, she doesn’t have real reliable memory until maybe a month later. So, an entire month is just gone. Occasionally, pieces will come back.

“Do you like the pillow?” Fran asks, hesitantly.

Mariana nods. 

She does like it, but it feels weird opening boxes in front of Fran and Jesus when it’s not even Mariana’s birthday. Jesus says he doesn’t mind Mari opening the one box, but it’s still on Mari’s mind.

Like the pillow...it makes her think of the damn hospital bed that gave away every single one of her secrets - broadcasting every single time she moved with a loud crinkle. She’d hated beds - and had been essentially trapped in one.

But with that memory, there’s also others. Stef taking her pillow away as a punishment. Mari and Jesus not having access to pillows when they were living with Ana.

So, this does mean something. It does mean a lot.

But she doesn’t know if she’s in the place to articulate her feelings about it. They’re such a jumble. She’s still so hurt about Stef’s response to her email.

She feels like she should reach out to Levi. To Pearl. To thank them. But she hates feeling on the spot. Doesn’t have it in her to perform her gratefulness right now. It’s bad enough with Fran and Jesus just watching her.

“I remember when Mom took your pillow away…” Fran ventures, quiet. “She can’t ever take this one away from you, because it’s from Levi.”

Mari still doesn’t know what to say.

Eventually, Fran bends down to pick up the box and says, “I’m going to put this in the trash room.”

“No,” Jesus objects. “I got it. I don’t want you going all the way down and inside there alone. That’s like the apartment garage.”

He takes the box and goes with Dudley, leaving Mari and Fran alone.

“Are you okay?” Fran asks, scooting closer and running a hand over Mari’s new pillowcase on the pillow gently.

“I don’t know,” Mari admits.

“Do you remember it?” Fran asks.

“No,” Mari says. “Do you?”

“Yes… Mama didn’t tell me until the next day. I didn’t believe her until Callie called and told me it was really true. I went to the hospital sometimes, but mostly just the waiting room. Callie came to school after you woke up to take a picture of me for you to have. …’Cause you asked about me.”

“That’s the one I still have. In the frame. By my bed,” Mari recalls.

“Yup. Hey, Mari? I think I accidentally read some of the mean blog Brandon made...because I remember reading this one thing he wrote about you. Way back then I just thought, he’s the big brother, he probably knows...but now…”

“Now?” Mariana echoes.

“It was really mean,” Fran insists. “And are you mad I read it? And about the things I used to say?”

“You didn’t know what it was, right?” Mariana asks.

“Well, I knew it was your journey because of what the top said...but I didn’t know it was gonna be a whole mean blog about you,” Fran says.

“How did you…? Did somebody leave their phone, or…? How did you see it?” Mariana asks, her heart wincing.

“It was up. On the computer screen at home,” Fran shrugs. “I was playing around there, because Jude was supposed to be playing with me, but he just played his video games and ignored me…”

Mariana thinks back to various times in their childhood. How Jude went quiet when he got stressed. Usually in school. She remembered hearing Moms explain it to her, Callie and Brandon. Something called selective mutism.

Anxiety-based.

He couldn’t control it.

“Words can be hard for people...for different reasons…” she offers.

“What do you mean?” Fran asks.

“I mean...Jude...there’s a chance he wasn’t ignoring you,” Mariana tries. It’s easier talking about Jude than it is about any other aspect of the day.

Jesus comes back in then and offers Mariana his phone. “It’s Callie. She’s been trying to call you. She’s worried.”

“Hello?” Mari asks.

“Hey. Just wanted to hear your voice. Are you okay?” Callie asks.

“We’ll give you some privacy,” Jesus says, stepping into his spare room with Fran.

“No,” Mari admits when the door is closed. “Stef basically says she wishes the accident never happened, so I could be like I was before...with nobody ever knowing anything was wrong. You know, they still haven’t asked? About what happened to me?”

“I know,” Callie confirms, soft. “They’ve never asked me, either.”

“What do you mean? They know about what happened to you. They’ve always known.”

“Yeah...they know because I told Brandon, and Brandon was there when I told them. It’s not something they ask about. They never have,” Callie admits.

“That sucks...I just… It’s like… I remember everything - like with Nick? Or I remember nothing… It’s one or the other. And either way, I can’t… I need…”

“What?” Callie asks.

“I need them to ask,” Mariana manages. “And they just...won’t do it.”

“I’m sorry,” Callie apologizes. “If you need… I don’t know… Anything? I can be there while you talk to them… You can tell whatever you need to tell to me, and they can listen...:”

“But you said, they never have,” Mariana remembers. 

“What?” Callie asks, struggling to keep up.

“You said even after you told them, they don’t ask you about what happened? Or how you feel about it? They don’t check in…” Mariana presses.

“No, I mean, have you met them? They’re only involved if it’s a Jesus thing, or if they can relate in some way. That’s why Stef’s been there for me once about my mom, after she lost her dad. That’s why Lena had your back in middle school when you dyed your hair blonde and tried out for the dance team…”

“God, don’t remind me…” Mariana moans, but she’s smiling. “I’m just saying… she says, sobering. “If it won’t make a difference...whether or not they know...why am I stressing out about telling them?”

“Maybe because...you want them to care? You want them to follow up with you. And they should. And I know...I’m not your mom. And Ximena’s always saying that she and I are too alike in that we parent our siblings but… How  _ are _ you doing with that?”

“More specific,” Mariana reminds. “That’s half the problem with Moms… They’re like, ‘You know you can talk to me about anything?’ but I need specific questions to be able to talk.”

“Okay… How are you doing...with what Nick did to you?” Callie tries again. “The wedding was hard?”

“Hell yeah,” Mariana nods. “The last thing I wanted was to dress up again, two years later, eat a fancy meal and like, perform...you know? Be ‘on.’?”

“Yeah. You shouldn’t have to do that. Levi seems nice, though. A little shy. He really came all the way from Minnesota for you?”

“He did,” Mariana confirms. “He also...gave me a pillow...and a pillowcase with coffee stuff on it? And I’m not sure how I feel about it.”

“A pillow,” Callie repeats dryly.

“It’s not like that. He’s eighteen...and so naive. He knows about the accident. He wanted to...do something nice for my head, I guess,” Mariana fills in.

“Do you feel like it was nice?” Callie asks.

“Mostly?” Mariana responds.

“Did you wanna talk anymore about Nick?” Callie presses gently.

“I don’t really like talking about both of them in the same sentence. Levi’s...so different. But I hate that Nick ruined everything for me. It’s like...I can’t even get a nice thing from my boyfrie--” Mariana trails off.

“You can say it,” Callie encourages. “It’s not a dirty word.”

“I know, but we haven’t had that conversation yet,” Mariana whispers. “We’re just friends. Please don’t say anything about this. You won’t, right?”

“Mariana? You realize, it’s still me that you’re talking to, right? I never told a soul who you had a crush on in fifth grade.”

“...Never told Moms I got kicked out of school…” Mariana adds softly. “Or about the rest. I know. Thank you.”

“I don’t want to, but I have to get going. If you ever need me, or need to talk? Just call, okay? It works with Ximena, because we both get the family thing. She has to be there for Poppy, since their parents aren’t able to be in the picture.”

“Right, I know,” Mariana says. “Love you.”

“Love you,” Callie returns. “Bye.”

\--

Mariana hangs up with Callie and can’t miss the string of texts from Moms there on his screen. 

**Stef:**

_ Can we come for dinner? _

**Lena:**

_ I’ll bring lasagna. Nothing fancy. Mariana said nothing fancy. _

**Jesus:**

_ IDK you’ll have to ask her. _

**Stef:**

_ She’s not answering our texts or calls. _

Sighing, Mariana checks her own phone and finds identical texts there. It frustrates her that they can’t even be unique in their interactions with her. Like she and Jesus are the same person.

She taps on the spare room door. “Hey,” she says. “Moms are losing their shit about coming over with dinner. Is that okay with you two?”

Fran makes a face.

“Is it okay with you?” Jesus asks.

“It would be nice to have dinner here, already made,” Mariana ventures.

“Yeah, without them…” Fran adds.

“But we have to include them if we want their food,” Mariana explains, sighing.

“I know,” Fran says, heaving a big sigh too.

“An hour?” Mariana asks. “Sound good?”

“And only if they call to be let in,” Jesus nods.

Mariana texts them back, wishing that childhood food insecurity wasn't still a thing. So that she didn’t feel roped into a meal with Stef and Lena, knowing how Stef feels about her.

At least Lena might be okay.

Mariana can hope, anyway.


	29. Dinner

Before Moms arrive, Dominique stops by. She doesn’t knock, just yells from outside his door:

“Hey, I’ve got pies. I can leave them out in the hall, but y’all should probably pick them up soon.”

“Pizzas?” Fran asks confused. She knows Dominique knows Jesus doesn’t like pizza.

“Open it. Let her in,” Mariana says.

Jesus does.

Mariana stares. Because here comes Dominique with real, actual Sandy’s Pies - an orange creamsicle pie and a cold brew coffee pie. Mariana’s two favorite flavors.

She sets them down on Jesus’s table and walks to Mariana to join her on the couch.

“Thanks, but I don’t deserve pie…” Mariana manages. 

It feels weird. Like being catered to for making terrible life choices.

“But you do, though,” Dominique nods. “Jesus, Fran, help me out here. Do we or do we not have lots of sugar on traumatic days?”

“We do,” Fran answers.

“Hell yeah, we do,” Jesus nods.

Fran grins and covers her own mouth with her hand. She stares at the pies in their boxes. “Who’s Sandy? And why is this pie orange?”

While Jesus explains Sandy’s Pies to Fran in the kitchen, and they get out plates and cut slices (because they all remember Moms rudely eating all their birthday tiramisu), Mariana takes the time to talk to Dominique.

“Moms are coming over…” Mariana says softly. “Stef told me today she wishes the accident never happened, and I could be like I was. Have the future I wanted...even though I was spinning out every couple of years. Selling Jesus’s meds in school when I was a freshman. Taking them to stay awake as a junior.”

“And your moms never asked what was really going on?”

Mariana shakes her head. “So, they just want…”

“To ignore that you need them, it sounds like…” Dominique fills in, sympathetic. “To go back to being willfully ignorant.”

“They still haven’t asked...about Valentine’s Day, or the wedding, or why…” Mariana manages.

“That seriously sucks,” Dominique breathes.

“I know it’s different...but how do you...deal?” Mariana asks, knowing Dominique has similar dates. Dates when her life changed forever because  _ she _ changed forever, in ways she never asked for.

“I just get through it,” Dominique says. “It’s all you can do. Some days, we do celebrate a bit, and I know we’ve talked about that before. But the accident...doesn’t feel right to me personally to celebrate that.”

“Do your parents make a big thing about it? Does your dad...want to make something special, or…?” Mariana trails off. “Because it feels weird.”

“Sometimes,” Dominique allows. “But he respects what I have to say about it.”

Jesus brings Mariana and Dom each a plate with a slice of each piece of pie. He doubles back for coffee for Mariana. “You want coffee, Dom?” he checks.

“Sure,” she agrees.

“Jesus says I can only have the orange pie, not the coffee pie, Mariana. But you let me have coffee before. Remember? On Christmas?”

“Yeah, but you probably don’t need extra caffeine before seeing Moms. Try the orange pie. It’s like an ice cream bar.”

Fran does, and her whole face lights up.

For several minutes, they’re silent, just eating their pie. Mariana can’t help but think of Levi. She snaps a picture of the pies and sends it to him. Mariana has a second slice of coffee pie. Fran and Jesus have seconds on the orange creamsicle. Eventually, they finish. 

Jesus sits on the other side of Mariana and soon Fran joins, sitting on the other side of Dominique.

Mariana leans into Jesus. “You’re quiet.”

“I don’t wanna make today about me. I heard that Stef’s doing that enough.”

“She is,” Mariana nods. “But you don’t. It helps...hearing what was happening. What you remember…”

“I remember the waiting room. Living off of vending machine food for days. I remember...seeing Ana…”

“She came, Callie said,” Mariana remembers.

“She did.”

“Mama said she was gonna call security, only she didn’t. Ana was crying,” Fran reports.

“Callie offered to walk her out, so she could avoid a big scene with Stef and Brandon…” Jesus fills in.

“So weird I wasn’t awake for any of this…” Mariana says. “And I hate that I made you guys worry.”

“I was just glad you woke up, honestly,” Jesus says. “However you were...it didn’t matter to me.”

“It mattered to everyone else…” Mariana mutters. “How are you, though?”

“It’s hard, yeah. But I know it’s harder for you,” Jesus acknowledges. “It was mostly that first night that was the hardest...because we just didn’t know what was gonna happen.”

“And the hardest for me was after that…” Mariana ventures. She turns to Dom. “You were there, right? What do you remember?”

“Well...I didn’t know y’all personally yet, but I remember when I came into work that day, people were talking. My coworkers. They’re nosy people so I just ignored them. But then...Jesus, you came in that night...and...I knew what they were saying must be true.”

“God, I was hospital gossip…” Mariana moans.

“No. Just one of my coworkers was like… You know what? You don’t need to know this. It wasn’t widespread. That’s all I’ll say. And then, I just...remember seeing more and more of your family come in the next few days. I saw Callie.”

“Did you see  _ me _ ?” Fran asks.

“I don’t remember seeing you then, no...” Dominique tells her, apologetic. 

Jesus’s phone rings then, and he answers it. He covers the mouthpiece. “It’s Moms.”

“I’m gonna head out,” Dominique says, offering a hug for Mariana. “If that’s okay?”

“Yeah, no, that’s fine.” Mariana nods, wrapping her arms around her friend. It feels safe. Mariana feels...known. “Just...can you...take the pie? I don’t want them to finish it off.”

“No problem… I’ll keep it at my place. Come and get it whenever you want.” Dominique hurries to close the boxes while Jesus stalls Moms on the phone.

“Thank you,” Mariana calls as Dominique closes the door behind her.

“You’re welcome,” Dominique says, sticking her face back through. “Good luck.”

\--

Mariana sends Francesca to set the timer on the microwave the second Moms come inside. She types 59:59 and then hits Start. This way, they’ll all know when time is up.

Then, Moms are here. Lena’s got her hands full of a baking dish, and Stef’s got shopping bags.

“Green beans,” she holds one up. “And garlic toast,” she holds up the other.

Lena puts the lasagna down and walks to Mariana. “I haven’t seen you all day. Can I… Is it okay if I hug you?”

Mariana nods. 

Lena’s the one who loves her anyway. The one who learned. Maybe. But hugging her still feels awkward as hell. “Thanks for dinner,” she says.

“Oh, honey, no problem,” Lena says.

“Dominique brought pie,” Fran shares. “So we had dessert first.”

“That sounds tasty,” Stef says, cutting lasagna slices. “What kind of pie?”

“Orange. And coffee,” Fran says.

“Sounds like an interesting flavor combination…” Stef chokes out a laugh.

“Not together. It was just one of each kind of pie,” Fran corrects.

Mariana’s on edge, and she can see that Jesus is, too. The last time they came over for an occasion like this, it was their birthday, and it was a total disaster.

She stays put at the end of the couch, and Stef gives her a plate right where she sits, setting it on the little end table.

“This lasagna-making was an adventure. I called Jude to make sure I did everything by the book, and he reminded me that you’ve got a lot of things you don’t eat...so he suggested I call Dominique, who was the last person who contacted him about his lasagna. And then,  _ she _ had me call  _ her _ dad. Michael told me what he subbed and how to make it, so all of you like it,” Lena beams.

Mariana’s head is spinning. All she can think is how much she feels like a project...and how Lena doesn’t really know her at all yet.

“So...are you guys all hanging in there?” Stef asks . “It’s a tough day, right?” once they’re all eating.

“Yeah,” Fran says. “It’s Mariana’s tough day.” She’s busy scraping the dairy free cheese off her lasagna and eating it in a big clump.

“It sure is,” Stef nods, blinking back tears. “But I don’t know...I was talking to Mama...I think it’s one of those things that’s harder for us…”

Mariana feels heat rise to her cheeks. Stef may as well have slapped her.

Jesus puts his fork down. “Listen. No matter what you remember? Mariana’s the one who lived through this. You and Mama don’t get to co-opt her trauma just because you’re our parents.”

“Right. You’re right,” Stef sniffs. “Mariana… What, um… What do you remember?”

The lasagna turns to paste in her mouth. She struggles to swallow. 

_ (The bed crinkling every time she moved.  _

_ Monitors beeping.  _

_ Light stabbing her eyes.  _

_ Smells assaulting.  _

_ Everything all the time.  _

_ A simultaneous sensory invasion...and the pain...it felt like it was happening to someone else. Like Mariana wasn’t herself. _

_ There were men everywhere.  _

_ And she was in a room without a door…) _

“She might not wanna talk about it,” Fran interjects. “Sometimes, we don’t wanna talk about hard things. Right, Mari?”

“You really don’t give a fuck, do you?” Mariana asks Stef, her filter gone. The conversation with Callie circling in her head.

“Mariana. Honey, of course we do,” Lena insists. “We’re here.”

Fran moves from the table to Mariana’s side. Jesus is here, too.

“You just want me to be...whatever...but I’m  _ this _ ! I’m me now!” Mariana exclaims.

“Honey, we love you no matter what,” Lena insists.

“ _ She doesn’t _ ,” Mariana says, her eyes trained on Stef. “And don’t act like you’re better!” Mariana fixes teary eyes on Lena. “You said you were gonna ask! But you never have!”

Tears spill over as Mari remembers talking to Callie months ago. Getting context for Moms’ hellsite. 

“Mariana, ask what?” Lena says, sounding honestly confused.

“You never asked what happened to her,” Jesus says serious. “You never asked why she did it…”

“We know it’s hard. It’s hard for us, too,” Stef interjects. “We’re all just doing the best we can here,” 

“You’re not, though!” Mariana exclaims, her voice edging toward hysteria.

“Mariana, we were told not to ask about these things,” Lena tries to interject. “We’re respecting your privacy.”

“You said one time when Oliver was here at our check in, that you’d keep checking in with Mari about the thing that made everything happen..” Fran says.

“And then you didn’t,” Mariana insists.

“I  _ did _ check in with you, Mari. I have been. Every few days, I let you know that I’m here, if you need to talk about anything…”

“Oh my God…” Mariana exclaims. “That’s not... _ that _ !” 

“When you ask Mariana about  _ anything _ , it’s too general. She needs specifics in order to communicate. I think you know this. I think she’s told you,” Jesus points out. “She obviously wants you guys to check in with her about this...so why haven’t you?”

“When you came back, we were cautioned...not to ask you questions about what happened. We were told you’d come to us if you wanted to talk,” Stef explains.

“I’m not him!” Mariana explains. “God! We’re not the same fucking people! Is it like...whatever...to ask...to want my own relationship with my parents? That’s not a cutout of one you already have with Jesus!”

“It’s not too much to ask,” Lena says, and her soothing tone enrages Mariana. If they ask her to calm down right now…

“And it’s not cool they took some rando doctor’s words about me over your own…” Jesus adds. “Fran, are you okay?” he asks. “Do you wanna go to Dom’s for a bit?”

“No. I’m not leaving,” Fran says, clinging to Mariana’s hand.

“Honey, we’re sorry,” Stef says.

“No! Fuck that! You’re not! Callie told me...that when I was in the hospital...and I talked about it...you…” Mariana manages, through tears.

“What, honey?” Lena asks.

“I said his name and you...laughed at me…” Mariana sobs.

“Whose name?” Stef asks, sounding confused.

“He fucking raped me…” Mariana insists, devastated. “On Valentine’s Day...before the accident… And...you were never gonna ask…”

Dudley’s whining. His tags clinking sends Mari back through time. “I can’t do this….” she manages.

“You heard her,” Jesus insists, his voice low. “We’re done. Get out.”

Mariana hears people moving, but Fran stays close, crying quietly.

When they’re gone, Jesus comes and sits on the other side of Fran.

She doesn’t have to look to know that he’s crying, too.

Mariana didn’t plan it. To blurt this out. To ruin a night that was supposed to be nice.

The microwave beeps when they’ve sat in silence for the longest time.

No one moves.


	30. Comfort

A knock on the door has Dudley alerted. Jesus walks over and checks the peephole, in case Moms decided to double back.

“Hey...I heard yelling…” Dominique says, concerned, taking in all of their upset. “And...y’all aren’t okay. What happened?”

Jesus steps back and invites Dominique inside. 

She walks to the futon where Mari and Fran sit, still holding each other, still crying.

“Nick…” Mariana manages. “I told Moms…”

“Oh, shit,” Dominique says. “What do you need?”

Mariana’s phone buzzes, and Jesus can see it’s Callie.

“We can give you privacy,” Dominique urges. “Fran, you wanna come over? Play with Roberta?”

Fran wipes her eyes and extends a hand to Mari. “Are you okay?” she whispers.

“No...but...go,” Mariana manages.

“I’ll give you space, but I’ll hang out here,” Jesus offers.

\--

By the time Jesus is in the spare room and Dom has left with Fran, Callie’s call has gone to voicemail.

_“Hey, I’m free the rest of tonight, if you need me. Just let me know. Love you.”_

For a while, Mariana just sits, unsure of what to do. Eventually, she calls back, even though she hates the phone. It’s one button to push. And she has a feeling Callie won’t push her to talk.

“ _Hey, are you okay?”_ Callie’s voice asks on the other end.

“I told…” Mariana blurts.

There’s a beat of silence and then Callie insists, “I’m coming home. I’ll be there, Mariana. Give me two hours. Are you okay until then?”

“I--I’m fine.” she says. She doesn’t know why.

“Alright. Stay with Jesus. That’s where you are, right? His apartment?”

“Right,” Mariana nods.

“Okay. I’m coming. Maybe… Maybe get in touch with your therapist?” Callie suggests.

“Maybe,” Mariana echoes. She has no idea how she’ll be able to communicate.

Mariana settles on her most solid option and texts via Nadiya’s work phone:

**Mariana**

_I told Moms. Disclosed. It was a mess. They just left. Big sis is coming home to support. I’m safe with my bro. Little sis heard everything, tho... 6:36 PM_

**_Dr. Rahman_ **

_Hi Mariana, I’m so sorry telling your moms did not go as you hoped. I’m happy to hear you’ll have some family support and are safe right now. How are you emotionally right now? 6:38 PM_

**Mariana**

_Destroyed. 6:38 PM_

**Dr. Rahman**

_Thinking of harming yourself? In your email earlier you mentioned feeling like you’re drowning… 6:39 PM_

**Mariana**

_Sad. Depressed. Still feel like I am drowning. No harming. 6:41 PM_

**Dr. Rahman**

_Okay. I am very proud that you reached out to me. I want you to keep safe people around you until you see me Monday morning. Don’t isolate. Stay with your brother, or a friend of yours, if they’re nearby and you feel safe with them. 6:45 PM_

**Mariana**

_I can stay here. But what about C? Moms? 6:46 PM_

**Dr. Rahman**

_Your sister knows where to find you. And you don’t need to worry about your mothers right now. Feel your feelings. Honor them. Do some self-soothing. Focus on comfort. 6:48 PM_

**Mariana**

_Dom brought pie. I said I didn’t deserve it, but I ate it anyway. 6:49 PM_

**_Dr. Rahman_ **

_I’m proud of you. Did it help? 6:50 PM_

**Mariana**

_A little. 6:50 PM_

**Dr. Rahman**

_I’m going to send you a small list of emojis one at a time. You can add more if you like. Send one of these to your brother, or your friend now. Whichever would feel most comforting:_

_[pie emoji]_

_[blanket emoji]_

_[heart emoji]_

_[music notes emoji]_

_So to review? 6:54 PM_

**Mariana**

_Stay around safe people. Don’t care about Moms. Self soothe. Text a comfort emoji. 6:57 PM_

**Dr. Rahman**

_Excellent. I’m here if you need me. There’s no limit to how many safe people or how often you can reach out. 6:58 PM_

**Mariana**

_Okay. 7:00 PM_

\--

It takes Francesca a few minutes to calm down once she’s at Dominique’s apartment.

She’s quiet.

“Fran?” Dom asks. “You okay?”

“Yeah,” Fran answers, glancing over from playing with Roberta.

“It’s okay if you have questions...or need to talk…”

“I know what rape is. Mari and I watched the one Grey’s episode and she talked to me all about it. It’s not just like an attack. It’s like...worse than that. Like forcing somebody to have s-e-x when they don’t even want to…” Fran reports.

“Right,” Dominique swallows. “How do you feel about what Mariana said?”

“I hate Nick…” Fran says darkly. “I wanna kick him and punch him.”

“I’m right there with you,” Dominique nods.

“She told you before?” Fran asks.

“She did, yeah.” Dominique confirms.

“But you didn’t tell me because it’s not my business, it’s Mari’s?” Fran checks.

“Right,” Dominique nods.

“Why would anybody do that?!” Fran explodes. It’s so sudden that Roberta darts away from her. “Why did Nick?! Didn’t he know it’s wrong?”

“Babe, some people… They don’t care if it's wrong. They don’t see the people they hurt as human beings. They just want what they want,” Dominique shrugs.

“Well, they shouldn’t! That’s selfish, and it hurts people!” Fran kicks the couch.

“It does. You wanna sit with me?” Dominique asks.

But Fran stays where she is, and tears just burst right out of her. She tries to cover them up with her hands. She feels her way to the couch and curls up on it, away from Dominique.

It feels like her heart’s breaking. The thought of Mari all hurt like the person on Grey’s… Knowing that happened to Mari, and Moms didn’t know. That Mom even laughed when Mari tried to talk about Nick. Knowing everything… It’s so much to hold.

Fran feels like it’s happening all over again. Like she can’t trust Moms, even though it’s been four months since the workshop.

It feels like that was all for nothing. Like it didn’t help at all.

“What if...that happens to me?” Fran manages, broken.

“What?” Dominique asks.

“They won’t even care!” Fran sobs.

“Oh…” Dominique breathes. “And that’s such a scary thought, isn’t it?”

Fran turns and Dominique is right there. Fran grabs onto her and holds tight, nodding into her shoulder.

“Yeah….” Dominique says. “It really is. But we are all gonna do our very best to protect you...and make sure it doesn’t happen. And if it does? I promise, I’ll care. You can always trust me, babe. And you can trust Mari, and Jesus. You can trust Pearl and Levi. And my parents.”

“And Olivia...and Dr. H?” Fran gasps.

“Absolutely,” Dominique says.

Fran sits back and gently wipes tears from Dominique’s face. 

“Why are you crying?” Fran asks.

“Because I love you so much,” Dominique says. “And when someone I love cries, then I do, too, because they matter so much to me…”

“Oh…” Fran gasps, trying to calm her breathing down.

“I know it must be really hard not to be able to trust your moms. That they’ll do the right thing. But you can learn. From them, you can learn what not to do. And from my parents, you can learn what _to_ do…”

“I’m not grown yet though…” Fran points out. “I still wanna be taken care of.”

“And you definitely will be,” Dominique reassures. “That was a big people’s conversation you were in on just now, with Mari and your moms. It was a lot to handle. It makes sense that you have a lot of feelings about that.”

“Scared…” Fran admits.

“Right, it makes sense you’re scared about that,” Dominique reassures her. “Babe, nobody’s gonna leave you to deal with life on your own. Your moms didn’t know about Mari...but she still had support.”

“Yeah...too late…” Fran mutters.

“But you know something really good that I notice right now?” Dominique asks.

“What?” Fran asks, soft.

“You are getting so good at expressing your feelings,” Dominique points out. “That’s such a big skill, and it’s really hard to do.”

Fran’s not so sure it’s such a big deal...except that Dominique never lies. Both their phones ding at the same time, and Fran glances down at hers and then up at Dominique.

“...Looks like Mariana wants more pie,” Dominique smiles a little, sadly. “What do you say? Wanna bring it over?”

“Sure,” Fran nods.

\--

“Hi, Hope?” Lena asks, the minute they get home and pull up Facebook video chat.

“Hi Lena, I don’t have much time right now but--”

“It’s urgent,” Stef interjects. “Mariana just disclosed to us. She’s really angry.”

Lena watches as Hope walks to another room and closes a door. 

“Okay. What happened?” Hope asks.

“It’s an anniversary for her - a trauma - and ---” Lena shares.

“That’s personal,” Hope cautions. “And not something I need to know unless Mariana chooses for me to know. “What I want to know is… How did you guys react?”

“We didn’t really have time to react,” Stef says. “Pretty much right after Mariana came out with it, she and Jesus told us to leave.”

“But she was angry?” Hope asks.

“She accused us of not caring,” Stef remembers. “Because we didn’t ask her about it, but we didn’t know about it… She wanted us to follow up with her about a date. Like, a calendar date…”

“And you didn’t, because…” Hope prompts.

“Because… Hope, we’ve been told for years about our son...not to ask about what he’s been through. To wait until he tells us.”

“But Mariana _was_ telling you. She was telling you what she needed from you. And...forgive me...but I remember Mariana’s answers to my questions. She was pretty clear. Even when we looked into counselors for her, Nadiya Rahman specializes in complex trauma, including sexual abuse… You knew,” Hope points out gently.

“I just didn’t want to face it…” Lena admits, teary. “Like you said, I had a hunch. A strong one. But no mother wants to face that something awful has happened to her child…”

“But by not facing it? You left her alone with it...for a very long time. She has every right to be angry. So, review the notes from my session… Reread Mariana’s answers to my questions… Process with each other… Do whatever you need to do...and then make this right. Or you guys are gonna lose her.”

“I appreciate that you’re trying to help, but I don’t think scare tactics are necessary,” Stef interjects brusquely. “We know the fear of almost losing our kids.”

“I don’t mean physically,” Hope explains. “I mean, she’s not going to be a part of your life. If she can’t trust you to be there for her? That’s a huge deal. So take the weekend. Take this seriously. Talk to Rosa, or whoever else you need to...and then...please. Apologize sincerely. Listen. Take her anger, because it is valid.”

Hope all but hangs up on them then.

“Okay…” Stef breathes. “Okay. We have to. We have to do better.”

“Yes, we do,” Lena agrees. “So…” she locates their binder of workshop notes and materials. “Let’s get to work.”

\--

Jesus just sits with Mari while they wait for Dom and Fran to arrive with the pie. 

“I never had to do that…” he admits. “And I’m freakin’ in awe of you right now. You’re so damn brave…” 

“I’m not,” Mariana denies. “I’m just me. Human me. And I couldn’t carry it around anymore,” Mariana sighs. “Levi said...keeping it in is what’s killing us…and I think...I think maybe he’s right…”

She draws a breath. A full breath. For the first time in months.

“We have pie,” Dominique calls from the hall. “Again.”

Jesus lets them in. They all look wrecked. All four of them with red eyes and swollen faces. All of them sit in a line on the futon. Mari and Fran are on either end, where there are tables.

They eat in silence.

Mariana puts her fork down and gently taps her own arm, wrapped around her body. 

She’s trying…so hard...to soothe herself...and nothing is helping.

Nothing but this pie.

She takes another bite.


	31. Sisters

Mariana can’t quite believe it when Callie’s knocking on Jesus’s door two hours later.

It feels weird. Here they are - Mari, Jesus, Fran and Dom all eating the rest of the pies Dominique brought like nothing’s wrong at all - when Callie rushes in.

Fran’s there, hugging her hard, and Callie hugs her back and kisses her on the head. Then, she’s got her arms open for Jesus. And Mrs. Longbottom says, “So sorry they were awful, dear…”

“Hey…” she says to Mariana finally, sounding so concerned and not even judging them for eating their weight in pie. “Are you okay?”

Mariana shakes her head. 

“No… Of course, you’re not.” Callie turns to Dominique. “I’m Callie. You’re Dominique, right?”

“I am,” Dominique nods, a little guarded.

“Nice to meet you,” Callie says, extending a hand to shake. No double-take. No hesitation. No making it weird like Moms had when they met Dominique at Mari and Jesus’s birthday.

Dominique shakes Callie’s hand, offering a small nod of approval.

All her attention is still on Mari. Callie’s still literally crouched in front of Mariana’s chair. She turns back to Mari. “So...do you wanna just stay here tonight?”

“I do,” Fran insists.

“They can stay,” Jesus insists. “You, too, if you want.”

“Thanks, I think I will. Then maybe tomorrow when we’ve gotten a little rest, I can talk to Moms?” Callie asks.

“Moms suck,” Mariana decides, stabbing her pie with her fork.

“No argument from me there,” Callie nods.

“Want some?” Fran asks, pushing the leftover Cold Brew Coffee pie Callie’s way. “It’s trauma pie.”

“I love trauma pie,” Callie says, just digging in with her fork, not even getting a plate for the last slice. “Holy crap. Where did you get this? It’s incredible.”

“Sandy’s Pies,” Mariana says.

“Gimmie Pies, yeah,” Dominique nods. “Run by this really great woman, Sandy. It’s Pie Day (Friday), so the pies are free. And she has like, a thousand flavors.”

“But these are the best,” Fran interjects.

Mariana wishes she had more stamina, but all she has energy for is falling into bed at Dominique’s as soon as she possibly can. 

\--

The next day, Mariana sleeps until practically noon. Luckily, Dominique’s a late sleeper if given the choice, and she has the weekend off. So, they both take their time to get going in the morning.

Mariana still feels out of it - sleep-drunk and feelings-drunk from last night. The truth is, she doesn’t want to face Moms at all. But knowing what she knows about Callie, Mariana’s not about to let her sister face them alone, even if it is for Mari’s benefit.

Callie is one of them. She’s their sister. And a survivor. Just like Mari. Just like Jesus. 

Mariana has coffee and a s’mores granola bar at Dom’s even though her texts from Fran let her know that Jesus made eggs with yolks, sausage and toast for breakfast. That was hours ago. And Mariana needs quiet.

She hangs out with Dom and Roberta. They don’t talk, but the silence is comfortable. Finally, when Mari can’t think of a reason to put it off anymore, she waves to Dom and stops by Jesus’s.

“You ready?” Callie asks, meeting her at the door.

“Hold on,” Jesus interjects. “Come in. Sit down,” he invites Mari.

“No… Let’s just go,” Mariana sighs. “I’m not gonna hate this any less if we wait.”

“But do you consent?” Jesus asks, and Mari’s attention is caught on Fran singing softly to herself.

_ “I’ve seen dark before...but not like this…” _ ( _ Frozen 2 _ has been Fran’s favorite for the last year or so. She’s gotten all the songs and the music is hard.)

“Yes, I consent. I want you there,” Mariana says to Callie.

“Okay. So I can talk to them myself, definitely,” Callie nods. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have assumed you’d want to be there…”

“I don’t want you there alone. We don’t send each other there alone. We know how they are…” Mariana says.

“However they are, I can handle it,” Callie reassures.

“That’s because you’re not like us,” Fran says honestly.

“What does that mean?” Callie asks. Mariana can see she’s hurt, even if she hides it well.

“Oh. I mean… Maybe you are…” Fran says, flustered. “It’s just that Moms treat Mari and me the way they do because we have disabilities.”

“I don’t have a disability,” Callie allows. “But they’re also not just crappy parents to you. We just don’t talk about it.” There’s silence before Callie says, “I gotta go. You want a kiss?” to Fran.

Fran opens her arms. “I’m sorry for saying you’re not like us,” she says, her face buried in Callie’s shoulder.

“I believe you guys. Both of you - all of you,” Callie says, including Jesus in the look. “That Moms treat you in ways that no one should treat anybody. But there are also parts of my life that you don’t know about yet, and I’d hope that someday, if or when I shared those things, you’d believe me, too.”

“I would,” Fran says, seriously.

“Bye. You sound great,” she says kissing Fran on the head.

\--

In the car, Callie’s quiet. She reaches for Mariana’s hand and holds it as they drive. It means more than any words she could say at this point.

“I’m not trying to be annoying...just...were you able to talk to your therapist last night?” Callie wonders.

“I was,” Mariana nods. “She said focus on comfort. So, I ate my weight in pie.”

“Ah,” Callie smiles a little. “I love that.”

It’s quiet again. Mariana clenches her teeth as they drive, nervous anytime she has to ride anywhere. Callie still hasn’t let go of her hand. She must know.

“At Christmas...when we were home?” Callie begins hesitantly. “I saw the contract Moms had to sign. I was borrowing a sweatshirt from Stef and it’s taped inside their closet. I didn’t go snooping.”

Mariana blinks at her. “And?”

“And...I wanted to let you know...that it’s pretty clear...based on what’s in that...how they are to you. And Fran. And Jesus,” Callie says. 

“And?” Mariana asks again.

“And that’s not okay. I want you to know that I’m going to hold myself to everything that’s listed there, too. I’m going to try to remember to ask you questions and take all your communication seriously. And I’m sure there have been moments where I haven’t...and I am sorry about that. I’ll do whatever you need me to do to help you talk to moms.”

“Thank you,” Mariana wipes her eyes. “Fuck, I thought I was done crying.”

“It’s been a couple years for me…” Callie admits.

“Wait.  _ Years _ ?” Mariana asks. 

“My record was seven…” Callie tells her seriously.

“That’s not a record you wanna have!” Mariana exclaims, smiling sadly.

“I know,” she pulls into Moms’ driveway. “You still wanna do this?”

“I mean, no. But I’d rather talk to them with you than without you.” Mariana says.

“The minute things start to go south, I’ll get us out of there. Promise. And if you need to go before then…”

“You’ll know,” Mariana says.

They climb the steps together and it occurs to Mari that she hasn’t told Levi any of this. She hasn’t used his pillow yet either.

Both take a deep breath, in tandem. Mariana feels dizzy, like she might feel if she were about to bungee jump. Callie waits until Mariana nods at her to stick her house key in the lock and swing the front door open.

“Hello,” Callie calls. “It’s me and Mariana.”

Moms appear from the kitchen looking startled. 

“Callie. Hey. What are you doing here?” Lena walks to hug her.

Callie raises both hands and walks around her. Mariana follows. (Moms don’t even try to hug her. Don’t try. Don’t ask.)

“Nice to see you, too, Cal,” Stef says sardonically.

By the time Moms catch up to them, Callie’s at the coffee pot pouring both her and Mariana cups. 

They sit down at the table. 

“I assume Mariana told you what happened last night?” Stef says stiffly.

“She told me enough,” Callie allows. “She’s also right in front of you.”

“You’re right,” Stef says. She looks at Mariana. “I suppose there’s no point in talking around it. I’m sorry we didn’t ask you what you needed us to ask.”

“I’m sorry, too,” Lena apologizes. “And we’re here to listen. Your anger’s valid.”

“You made the whole day about you,” Mariana comments quietly, her eyes flickering to Stef. “You said you’d rather it never happened.”

“How do you feel about that?” Callie asks. It’s a question that makes Mariana wonder if Callie hasn’t also been in therapy.

“I feel like shit. I feel like you’re saying you’d rather I just kept...shoveling dirt over it. Pretending nothing was wrong at all.. So you’d feel better. Same as yesterday. You never asked,” she accuses both of them. “Because you were too uncomfortable.”

“Right, that was our mistake,” Lena says.

“When you had to pretend….” Callie ventures. “How was that? What did you feel?”

“You didn’t care. You didn’t care to know the real me. As long as I looked okay. Was functional. You just...didn’t look closer. You were never planning to ask me…” Mariana comments quietly, crying. “Even though you promised Oliver. You promised  _ me _ .”

Moms are speechless, so Callie speaks up. “I know rape...is not a topic anybody’s comfortable with talking about. And this is about Mariana, not me. I will say this is becoming a pattern. You wait for us to disclose and then you say nothing. Like Mariana’s saying, what you don’t say? What you don’t do? That sends a message. I grew up thinking you didn’t care about that aspect of my life. I still don’t, honestly. And I’d be shocked if Mariana feels differently.”

“I was a baby…” Mariana manages. “This didn’t just happen once. It’s happened over and over again. It happened before Jesus and I came to you…”

Lena sniffs. 

“You’re so tuned into Jesus and his feelings...about this...but mine...and hers…” she nods at Callie. “They’ve never mattered.”

“They do matter, honey,” Stef objects weakly.

“Obviously, they don’t!” Mariana speaks up.

“To be honest, your behavior doesn’t support that,” Callie says, not wavering.

“We know this isn’t going to be fixed in one conversation,” Lena allows. “We’ve reread our notes from Hope’s session, and your answers. If you need to talk, we’re happy to listen.”

Mariana sighs and gestures to them. “You’re doing it again. I can’t...just talk...anymore…”

“You can’t be passive in this,” Callie says to Moms, unflinching. “Mariana needs you to come to her and ask her directly if she needs to talk about what happened to her.”

“Do you need to talk about what happened to you?” Stef asks.

“Oh my God…” Mariana exclaims. “We are. Right now. I’m trying to, and you’re just...a block of wood!”

Stef raises her eyebrows. “I am doing my best, Mariana.”

“Well, your best sucks,” Mariana insists. “I can’t pretend anymore and that… You can’t deal with that! That I can’t hide! This is me now! If you can’t accept that--”

“We can,” Lena says.

“Yes, we can,” Stef nods.

“Then show her,” Callie says. “Enough empty words. Back up what you’re saying. Prove it.”


	32. Allies

Stef takes a deep breath, knowing this whole mess was mostly her doing. She just hadn’t known how to extricate herself and her feelings from a day that was worse for Mariana. And in being honest, she hurt her.

“I can’t imagine what you’re going through…” she tries, her voice oddly tight. “What do you want to tell us about it? Is there...anything?”

“I’m pissed that you get to cry about it,” Mariana all but spits.

Callie nods. “Mariana doesn’t get the luxury of grieving.”

Startled, Stef touches her own face and feels tears there. She looks at Lena, who’s crying, too.

“No one is calling you dramatic. No one’s...saying you don’t get...to be sad...or swatting you on the ass...or taking your shit away! You get to feel about this! But I’ve never… I’ve never been able to…”

And Stef’s mind rewinds to a day last year when Mariana retreated to her room after dinner. When Stef followed her. Tried to badger her into talking. And then took away her pillow and electronics, because she would not comply.

“I was awful to you,” Stef says, stunned. “I’m so sorry.”

“When it...was happening, I had to be okay. I didn’t know how...to not be. I couldn’t feel about it...I had to be numb. So, I sold Jesus’s meds. Or I took them myself to stay awake. Because...if I could keep whatever...getting good grades? Maybe…”

“Maybe?” Callie asks, gently.

“Maybe you’d still love me...even though…” Mariana says, looking at Stef.

“We love you, honey. We always have,” Stef manages, clearing her throat. “Can you take in my apology?”

“No,” Mariana answers honestly.

“Do you want to talk about that time in your room where I took away your things?” Stef asks, feeling ashamed.

“No,” Mariana answers.

“What else do you want to say?” Lena asks.

“A lot of it felt normal. So when… In college...I just…” Mariana manages.

“In college, you just what?” Callie wonders.

“I just...tried to move on?” Mariana asks. “I was like, ‘This is familiar. It happens. Whatever.’ But I just...felt nothing.”

“How do you mean?” Lena asks.

“I felt... _ like _ ...nothing,” Mariana clarifies softly. “Like a shell. A walking corpse. And then I...got a letter...from my…” she shudders. “Attacker. Whatever… And I couldn’t face it… School… I got kicked out. I thought you guys…were going to kick me out, too. Of the family.”

Stef is reeling. She had no idea Mariana was worried about being unloved, and not being allowed in the family, even as recently as before the accident. She thought they dealt with that before her and Jesus’s adoption when they were eight.

(A memory nudges her. Callie at seventeen, with similar worries after Stef and Lena discovered she was planning to essentially exploit Jesus in a poorly thought out senior project.)

“Honey… You’re stuck with us,” Lena tells Mariana. “Kids make mistakes. Even big ones. And behavior...has a reason. And Mom and I are so sorry we didn’t make it safe enough for you to come to us, and tell us what was happening.”

“Lena,” Callie sighs. “It’s always on us to come to you. But it can’t be. Especially not now. Especially not for Mariana...or Fran..for that matter. They need to be able to count on you checking in with them.”

“Right. We know,” Lena nods. “We just...wish…”

“Well, we don’t,” Callie says, stoic. “Wishes aren’t actions. So what are you going to do now? Are you going to talk to Mariana? Like you give a damn about her?”

“Callie,” Stef warns. “We are still the parents here. Watch your tone, please.”

“Funny...how you claim the title in certain moments…” Callie mutters. “Also, you sidestepped the question.”

“Mariana… I know we’re messing up left and right here… I know. We’ve hurt you. Badly. And you have no reason to trust us. But we do love you. And we will prove it.”

“We appreciate you kids being there for each other. Taking care of each other,” Stef says honestly. 

“Not like we have much choice,” Mariana mutters.

“We’re going to keep trying,” Lena insists.

“Good. If we’re stuck with you? It also means you are stuck with us. You have to keep trying. You don’t get to give up,” Callie says, blinking back tears. “Do better. Please.”

\--

“Only four more weeks until my birthday,” Fran says as she and Jesus sit outside on the patio with tomato soup and grilled cheese sandwiches. “You know what that means?”

“Hell yeah,” Jesus nods. “A month til Minnesota.”

Fran extends a fist for a dap. Jesus gives her one. She organizes her oyster crackers one at a time in her soup.

“Did you know? What happened to Mariana?” Fran asks.

“I did…” Jesus says.

“Did everybody know but me?” Fran asks.

“It’s’ kinda grown up stuff, buddy,” Jesus says, taking a bite of his sandwich after dunking it in his soup.

“I know...but Jesus…” Fran objects.

“What?” he asks, serious.

“I don’t know,” she sighs. “I know it’s not good to talk about Mari’s trauma when she’s not here but...I need to.”

“Well… How do you feel about it?” he asks.

“Like… I don’t know…” Fran admits. “Worried…”

“Yeah?” Jesus asks.

“Like, Moms didn’t know about Mariana either. And they even laughed at her.”

“I know…” Jesus says sadly.

“Do you think that’s right?” Fran asks flatly.

“No, I don’t. Laughing at people when they’re in pain? Laughing at people ever? That’s not cool.”

“I’m worried...they’d laugh too if it happened to me…” Fran admits.

Dudley whines a little and Fran can feel her arm and leg tense up. She wonders if she said the wrong thing.

“I think...that’s valid,” Jesus says.

“Dudley’s worried about you,” Fran points out.

“Talking about this stuff isn’t easy,” Jesus admits. “But I know it’s important. You know, it’s your right to say no if somebody tries to touch you in a way you don’t like?”

Fran nods.

“And you know that...if they...do it anyway? That’s their bad? Not yours?” Jesus asks.

Fran shrugs. “I guess. But it doesn’t matter, anyways.”

“Why is that?” Jesus asks.

“Because…” Fran begins. “They asked before when Moms were at the thing. If anybody touched me in a way I didn’t like…including surgery…”

Jesus stiffens.

“I did have surgery,” Fran says, tracing a design. “Nobody but the people at the thing said that’s bad. Or like, kind of apologized about it. Moms only did when they went there. Surgery for kids like me is like… Nobody even thinks it’s bad. They all think we deserve it, so we can walk more like them.”

“What do you think about that?” Jesus asks.

“I hate it,” Fran says. “I didn’t want it, but Moms didn’t care. No one said it was wrong. No one said don’t do it. All the doctors said they should. They just told me it was gonna happen. Moms still get mad at me if I don’t do all my exercises.”

“I didn’t know that,” Jesus says, his voice totally focused on her..

Fran shrugs eating more of her sandwich. It tastes good and cheesy.

“Everybody says I’ll need more surgery if I don’t do my exercises. If I don’t stretch? But nobody else has to, except for like, gym class at school. You said if people touch me without consent, it’s their fault. But what if it’s all the adults ever...and they just keep saying…’ _ You’re gonna have more surgery if you don’t do what we say? _ ’”

“Moms promised no more though, right? At Family Day, at the thing?” Jesus checks.

“Yeah, because everybody was there, Jesus. Olivia and Rosa and Pablo. They say it’s not a threat because they’re not mad when they say it, they’re just stating facts. Cause and effect. But it feels like they’re saying…”

“You’re gonna have no choice about being hurt by a bunch of adults. And it’ll be on you, besides…” Jesus says, putting the pieces together for her.

“Yeah,” Fran frowns. “So, it’s just… It doesn’t matter. I know how it really is. Kids don’t have power.”

“Buddy, I really understand that feeling,” Jesus says.

“Because you had surgery, too?” Fran asks.

“Because adults used to hurt me, too, when I was a kid,” Jesus shares.

“The bad guy?” Fran asks softly.

“And others, yeah…” Jesus says. “But I want you to know that I’m on your side. And I’m not gonna let Moms put you through more surgery. And that they’ve gotta stop threatening you with surgery. That’s messed up.”

“Just the way it is,” Fran shrugs.

“Have you talked to Olivia about it?” he asks.

“No…” Fran says. “She’s different than me. She likes surgery. Well...she doesn’t  _ like _ it, really, but she chooses it. So, I feel like she might be on Moms’ side.”

“Does she choose it?” Jesus wonders. 

“What?” Fran asks.

“I’m not trying to question her word...just...maybe she has it because she’s feeling pressure from outside people. Or from feeling like she’s not good enough the way she is?”

“I don’t know…” Fran admits.

“What about Giselle or Nico?” Jesus asks.

“I don’t wanna talk to them about CP stuff. I just wanna feel like a regular kid with them,” Fran says.

“Okay. I just wish you had somebody in your corner you could talk to, who understood the CP stuff firsthand,” Jesus muses.

“You’ll really do it? You’ll fight Moms if they try to make me have more surgery?”

“I will,” Jesus promises.

“I wish Timothy was here. He wouldn’t make me have surgery, I bet…” Fran muses.

“That’s a good thought, right? That you’d have a parent that wouldn’t force you into stuff like that?” Jesus nods.

“I want it to be true...but I know it’s not. I’m only almost twelve. Still a million years to go ‘til I’m 18…”

“Only six more, buddy,” Jesus smiles sadly. “And I really hope it works out for you. I hope he gets you.”

“Me, too.” Fran nods. She eats a little more. “You know, the last time I went for a CP checkup after Brandon’s wedding? The doctor said they messed up on my last surgery, and that they could fix it with another one. He asked if I wanted them to do that.”

“What did you think about that?” Jesus wonders.

“I was, like, in shock,” Fran admits. “They normally just ask Lena those things.”

“Right. It sounds shocking. What did you say?” Jesus asks.

“I said no. Like, what if they make another mistake in the next surgery, and just keep wanting to go back and fix it? That’s not fair,” Fran points out. 

“I’m proud of you, buddy,” Jesus says. “For telling them your honest feelings. Your limits.”

“Not that it really helped… After that? Lena didn’t talk to me the whole drive home. And Moms are both still saying I have to have surgery if I don’t do all my exercises…”

“I can talk to them,” Jesus offers. “For you, or with you. Whatever.”

Fran shakes her head. “They’re not gonna do any surgery because if the doctors keep asking me, I’ll just keep saying no. But I’m just saying. Other kids get to have boundaries on their bodies. To keep them from being hurt. Kids like me don’t. Not until we’re almost twelve. So, it’s different.”

“I hear you. It’s a double standard. And that seriously sucks.” Jesus pauses. “You get that I love you no matter what, right? Even if you only ever exercised in gym class?”

Fran nods, distracted. “But Moms...they’ll always be wishing I was better. Just like they wish it for Mari.”

She waits until her crackers are all soggy and absorbing all the tomato soup in them and then she eats them. The sandwich was the best part - Jesus puts tuna in the grilled cheese to make it even tastier - like a secret ingredient. The soup has zero secret ingredients, because it’s from a can.

“I do love you, Francesca. Just the way you are,” Jesus says sincerely.

“Thank you,” Fran says. “I love you just the way you are, too. Because I always have, right? Ever since I was a tiny baby eating pancakes?”

“Ever since you were a tiny baby eating pancakes,” Jesus confirms, a small smile on his face.


	33. Plans

_ RosaMartinez: How are you since disclosing? _

_ NoSecretAnymor: Okay. I can’t wait to leave. _

_ RosaMartinez: Still heading out w/ your ppl? _

_ NoSecretAnymor: Yes, we’ll be in Minnesota by tomorrow. Can’t wait. _

_ RosaMartinez: How are Stef and Lena? _

_ NoSecretAnymor: Themselves… L said maybe some counseling for them each. Not holding my breath. (Sorry, not your business) _

_ RosaMartinez: How are they with you? Are they checking in re: your emotional wellbeing? _

_ NoSecretAnymor: Still feels fake. Like they don’t mean it / are just doing it bc someone made them. _

_ RosaMartinez: But talking to them w/ your sis helped? Callie? _

_ NoSecretAnymor: Yeah, I wish she were here all the time…but she can’t drop her whole life to be here for me. No one can. And that’s the thing. _

_ RosaMartinez: I’ll be here as much as I can be. You’re not alone. You’ve got me, and Ollie and Dr. Rahman. You’ve got support and you’ve got future plans! Have fun with your friends - so important - and I’ll be here if you need me. _

_ NoSecretAnymor: Thank you. Bye. _

Mariana wraps up her conversation with Rosa and turns her attention back to her and Fran’s bags. She makes sure to pack their pillows. Her headphones. Their comfort things. Fran’s journal. Her own laptop. And plenty of comfy clothes and pajamas. She already has Fran’s birthday gift tucked in the bottom of her own bag. 

Mariana can’t believe Fran’s turning twelve tomorrow. She can’t stop thinking that she turned twelve soon after Fran was born. It’s a weird deja vu feeling.

“Knock knock,” Stef calls.

“What?” Mariana answers.

“May I come in?” she asks, and Mariana rolls her eyes.

“Sure,” she says.

“I just wanted to make sure that you girls have what you need. Mama packed some snacks for you guys,” Stef hands Mariana a giant Ziploc bag. “We’ve got your dark chocolate banana brittle, we’ve got your trail mix, we’ve got your plantain chips with Himalayan sea salt,” Stef squints at the bag, reading slowly. “Are these good?”

Mariana opens the bag and offers her one. 

“They’re thick,” Stef observes taking a bite. “Whew and salty. That Himalayan salt.”

Mariana cocks her head, questioning.

“But good,” Stef approves. “I like a hearty chip. I can see why you like these. We’ve also got your protein bars. Mama wouldn’t let me try these. She was afraid I’d eat them all. All these flavors. Chocolate peanut butter, chocolate mint, birthday, blueberry, lemon, cookie… Which one’s your favorite?”

“Blueberry,” Mariana mentions, feeling shy. “Tastes like a muffin.”

“You doing okay?” Stef asks. With your March feelings?” 

This always makes Mariana feel like they’re talking about  _ Little Women _ , which, weirdly, makes it easier to talk about. Stef, at least, has found a way to ask, and has asked every day, when they have a quiet moment.

“They’re okay,” Mariana allows. She can’t open up as much as she’d like to, knowing that Stef doesn’t want her to have had the injury in the first place. That Stef would rather she just be normal.

“They’re okay?” Stef repeats. “Anything else?”

“Are you and Mama going to therapy?” Mariana asks carefully.

“We are looking into it, love,” Stef says grimly. “I know it’s needed. I know, while I wasn’t a perfect mom, I did a hell of a lot better when I was working on myself than when I wasn’t. And you guys are worth it.” 

“Okay…” Mariana says.

“Anything else on your mind?” Stef asks.

“No April Fools jokes… Please… Fran and I… They’re not funny? They scare us?” Mariana tries.

“Got it,” Stef says. “Thank you for telling me.”

“Thanks for the food,” Mariana calls.

“You’re very welcome. Oh! And Fran wants a Dairy Queen cake. There’s a DQ in town. Pearl and Levi should know where it is,” Stef hands Mariana some cash. “This should cover it.”

“Thanks,” Mariana says, feeling awkward.

\--

Fran gets in the car to go home, almost crying but not quite.

She’s held her tears in all day. Almost going back to stuffing them under the Magic Carpet, so no one saw her crying at school.

“Hey, sweetie,” Lena greets. Her tone changes right away. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.” Fran insists, trying to buckle her seatbelt and failing. It doesn’t matter. They’re not driving anyways.

“Honey, it looks like you’re upset about something. I’d like to try and help if I can…”

“You already know. Stop lying,” Fran insists, wiping her eyes and shoving her seatbelt into place.

“Already know what?” Lena asks softly. (It’s still so weird when she tries to be patient.)

“About all the flights!” Fran explodes. “Being cancelled!”

“Francesca… What?” Lena asks, sounding bewildered.

“They’re cancelled,” Fran cries. “I already know! I can’t go to Minnesota! So stop pretending you don’t know!”

“Honey… Who told you this?” Lena asks.

“Kids in my class! Michael and Alex!” Fran exclaims, the tears shining in her eyes. “They said I better stop talking about going to Minnesota on spring break, because all the flights are cancelled anyways!”

“Francesca. It’s not true. Flights are still happening. You and Mariana and Jesus and Dominique are still going, if you all want to. Michael and Alex were probably playing an April Fool’s Day trick.”

“What?” Fran asks, confused. “It’s April... ugh!” she exclaims. “I hate April Fool’s Day! It’s just an excuse for people to be mean!”

“I agree,” Lena says and Fran’s mouth drops open.

“You do?” she asks, incredulous.

“I do,” Lena says.

She finally starts to drive. Quiet. Fran speaks up in the silence, because this is familiar. “Remember the day after we went to the hospital for my CP checkup, and you didn’t talk to me the whole way home? Because I do…” Fran shares.

“After Brandon’s wedding?” Lena asks.

Fran nods.

“What do you remember about that?” Lena asks, curious.

“That it was like you were mad at me for saying no to surgery, even though you promised I wouldn’t have to have anymore,” Fran shares.

“Francesca… I wasn’t mad at you. I’m sorry I made you feel that way. I had a lot on my mind, and I was distracted. But I’m sorry I didn’t talk to you and made you feel like I was mad at you about your decision.”

“But...they usually ask you. And they asked me. And if they asked you, you would have said yes. Because you always do,” Fran points out. “You guys always tell me I have to do my exercises or else…”

“We didn’t realize...how it sounds to you…” Lena manages. “I’m sorry. I’ll try to rein in the comments about exercising and surgery.”

“Does rein them in mean never make them again?” Fran asks critically.

“Yes,” Lena nods. “I’ll tell Mom, too, if you’re okay with it.”

“Yes, please,” Fran says as they pull into the driveway. “So...I still get to go to Minnesota and have my birthday with all my friends?” Fran checks. “You promise?”

“I promise. Flights are still happening. Look,” she hits some buttons on her phone and shows Fran the screen. “See? Nothing’s cancelled.”

Fran breathes a giant sigh of relief.

\--

Levi and Pearl have been working tirelessly to be sure that Frank Cooper’s cabin (now Stef’s) is ready for Fran’s birthday party. 

“Okay…” Pearl huffs. “I’ve cleaned this place within an inch of its life. I have the brownie mix. We’ve made sure their cupboards are stocked…”

“Is it too early to decorate?” Levi asks, arms full of _My Little Pony: Friendship_ _is Magic_ decorations.

“I don’t think so,” Pearl shakes her head. Together, they hang a DREAM BIG MLP banner and another HAPPY BIRTHDAY sloth banner. “These baby sloth paper plates are adorable,” Pearl comments.

“Yeah, I think she’ll love them,” Levi grins. “And Jesus is gonna make Vegan vanilla cupcakes...but he wanted to know if I could get some sloth cupcake toppers.” 

“Were you able to find any?” Pearl asks, setting out My Little Pony napkins, cups, plastic silverware and more plates.

Levi reaches into his grocery bag and pulls them out. “Also, Mariana just texted and she’s got money for the MLP Dairy Queen cake that Fran wants.”

“Oh good, and...Dominique’s still on gift duty,” Pearl fills in. 

“Yeah, just a couple more, and it should be ready,” Levi says, mysteriously. “I love doing this stuff. You know, if dog clothes don’t work out for some reason, we should definitely go into party planning…” he jokes.

“West Party Planning,” Pearl ventures. “Has a nice ring to it… Crap!” she says so suddenly that Levi jumps. “I’m sorry, just. We have three desserts here for Francesca and zero idea of what she’d like for dinner.”

“Pearl. She’s twelve. I’m pretty sure she wants ice cream cake, and brownies and cupcakes…” Levi points out.

“Okay, but we all can’t subsist on sugar,” Pearl points out. “I know she loved the bacon cheeseburger pizza we got last year, but Jesus and pizza…” 

“Right,” Levi nods. “And Mariana...if it’s not vegan…”

“Oh...but I do have a recipe. That pizza bake? It’s gluten free and dairy free. We know Fran likes cheese… Do you think it would be insensitive?”

“I’m not the one to ask,” Levi points out. “Ask them.”

Moments later, Pearl’s relieved to report, “Fran’s excited about it. Mari can’t wait to try it… and Jesus says if it doesn’t look like traditional pizza, he’s probably good to go. Fran wants only cheese, and Jesus was concerned about it being too much like pizza if it had pepperoni, so it may be a little bland.”

“But it’s what they want...and what they need…” Levi points out. “And, we’ve got her gifts.”

“Of course,” Pearl points out. “I can’t wait to see them. You wanna come with me tomorrow to pick them up, right? Their flight gets here at 2 PM. We should be back to start celebrating by 5 PM. Just in time for dinner, but Mariana said they will have snacks, because of the time difference.”

“Cool,” Levi nods. “Yeah, I’ll definitely come. I can’t wait to see them, either.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> End of Part II


	34. Home

Levi shakes himself awake as Pearl pulls up in front of the cabin. He looks around him, stunned. Everybody’s here. He can’t shake the feeling he’s had ever since this morning when he dropped a full plate of cold pizza on the floor.

The clattering of the plate on the wood floor had fried his nerves. The sight of the pizza upside down in the cling wrap unsettled him. Levi found himself just waiting for Pearl to start cursing him out like Carla. (Even though Pearl has never done anything like that…)

They’d managed to save it. (Pearl had recommended they eat it for breakfast before Jesus arrived.) But the sound of the plate hitting the floor and the smears of sauce wrecked his nerves.

It’s been hours, and he’s still on edge. Despite Pearl staying super calm, picking it up, and getting out the Swiffer and reassuring him.

Levi had forgotten, what with the arrival of their friends, just how much he hates April.

He glances around him again. Jesus crashed against him, head on Levi’s shoulder. Fran sleeps with her head in Dominique’s lap and Dom is out, her head back, and mouth open, in the seats behind them. And Mariana’s even fallen asleep in front with her headphones and sunglasses on.

“Hey, Avoiders?” Pearl says in a soft voice. “We’re home.”

\--

Fran rubs her eyes and blinks awake. Grandpa’s cabin is there in front of her like a dream. She got zero sleep the night before, because she was so excited.

“We are?” Fran asks, and her voice sounds weird and scratchy. She stretches high and touches the ceiling.

_“Hold on...to me as you go,”_ Levi sings, and Jesus blinks awake beside him. Dom does the same in the back with a small startle. _“As we roll down...this unfamiliar road…”_ Levi and Jesus get out and Levi walks around to the side where Mariana is and opens her door. _“And although this wave is stringing us along… Just know you’re not alone…”_

Fran can see Mariana moving as she finally wakes up, too. Francesca’s finding her shoes but imagines Levi and Mariana smiling at each other as Levi sings: _“I’m gonna make this place your home…”_

Walking inside Grandpa’s cabin feels just like it did the first time Fran remembers it, because Jesus always holds her hand and walks her inside. It’s colder here. Snowy. Fran always forgets that part and she hates snow.

But she loves her friends.

“Jesus,” Pearl calls. “Nia’s inside. The door’s open.”

“Oh. Cool,” he says. But he doesn’t sound like it’s cool. He stops before the door, and hesitates. Dudley looks at him.

“Should I knock, or?” he’s asking Dudley.

But the door is pulled open and the happiest lady is there, smiling at them. She’s like a grandma. 

“Y’all must be Jesus and Francesca!” she says. “I’m Levi’s mom. Y’all can call me Miss Nia. I took care of dinner for y’all. Come on in! Happy birthday, Francesca!”

Fran’s head is spinning. She walks in and can hardly believe it. Here’s Grandpa’s whole cabin decorated with MLP _and_ sloths. She grins.

“What?” she asks, walking around slowly and touching the edges of the decorations. It smells great, like somebody’s cooking the best dinner, and she remembers that Pearl talked about the pizza bake. “You guys did all this for me?” she asks, turning to Pearl and Levi and Levi’s mom.

“We did,” Pearl nods. 

Fran walks up to them solemnly. “Can I hug you?” she asks Pearl.

“Absolutely! How does it feel to be twelve?” she asks, and Fran feels so good. Like they know what a big deal it is, to have this birthday here, like this. And to be twelve, besides.

“We’ve got pizza bake here, and we’ve also got a bacon cheeseburger casserole,” Nia says, and Fran wonders if it’s because of the delicious bacon cheeseburger pizza they had once.

“Thank you,” Jesus breathes. “It’s nice to meet you. And thanks for doing all this. It takes me a minute, but…”

“Oh, don’t worry about a thing,” Levi’s mom says. “Mariana, honey? I picked up the cake. So y’all don’t have to worry about that. You are gonna love it,” she tells Fran with a smile.

\--

“Here,” Mariana presses the $30 into Levi’s mom’s hand. “Thank you.”

“Oh, no. Keep your money,” Miss Nia insists. “I wanted to tell you, it’s so nice to meet you. Levi and Pearl have so many nice things to say about you, and I love the candle you sent them.”

A surprised smile crosses Mariana’s face. She wonders just how much Levi’s mom knows about her. She’s talking to her like she has no idea Mariana has a brain injury. Or that she’s Jesus Foster’s sister. Like she’s just someone special to her son - to her kids.

“Thank you. I mean… Okay. Sorry… Are you sure?” Mariana fumbles for the appropriate response to so many kind words.

“You don’t have to be nervous around me,” Nia reassures. “I love all of Levi’s friends. And I have been asking him…” Here, she lowers her voice until it’s a conspiratorial whisper. “...if y’all need a senior Avoider? He said I’d make a good one.”

“Senior?” Mariana asks and blushes.

Nia laughs, and it’s sudden. It almost scares Mari. But then she clasps Mariana’s hand. 

“Avoider,” she says when she’s stopped laughing. “You’re alright. You know that? I can see already why you and Levi get along so well…”

And as unexpected as it is to be here, one on one with Levi’s mom, it also feels okay. Kind of right.

“Well, you’re welcome. To join us. Thank you, too. For doing all this for Fran…”

“It was no trouble,” Miss Nia reassures. 

\--

Dominique swallows and looks to Mariana briefly. Knows their moms gave her cash to cover the cost of Fran’s birthday cake. And Dominique’s a little more comfortable now than she was last year, but cash changing hands is still a trigger.

Luckily, Mariana waves Levi’s mom off to the side.

When they come back, Miss Nia’s got the biggest smile on her face. “Now...you must be Dominique. Are you alright?” she asks. “Look a little shaken.”

“I’m… I will be. It’s nice to finally meet you,” Dominique says. 

“We’ve all basically met each other’s parents, yeah,” Jesus says. “So, it’s awesome to meet you.” He’s setting out the vanilla cupcakes and Levi’s stabbing sloth cake toppers into them.

“You guys must be ready to eat,” Pearl says, hovering around the food. Sit down and I’ll dish you up. Mariana, you want pizza bake, right?”

She nods.

“And Jesus you’d prefer bacon cheeseburger?” Pearl asks.

“You don’t have to do that,” Jesus insists, walking over to the food. “I can do it.”

“Yes, but you don’t have to,” Pearl reminds him. “You don’t have to be in charge of your own food here.”

Dominique’s close enough to hear it when he leans in to whisper. “But I need to serve myself. So it’s not a weird power vibe…”

“Ah,” Pearl nods and backs off. She serves Mariana and then asks Fran what she’d like.

“All I can smell is delicious brownies,” Fran moans. “I want all the desserts ever.”

“You’ll have them,” Jesus reassures. “But what do you want before that?”

“Can I have both? Pizza and bacon cheeseburger?” Fran asks.

“Ooh, big eater! I like this,” Miss Nia says sitting down at the table near Fran. “Now, you are the one who gets all the perfect scores on your spelling tests, is that right?” she asks Fran.

“What would you like, Dom?” Pearl asks.

“I got it,” Dominique reassures, scooping out some pizza bake and some garlic toast and green beans.

“Sure,” Pearl says. “Levi?”

“I’ll have some bacon cheeseburger.” he answers.

“Mom?” Pearl asks, and Dominique does a double take (so does Jesus) until they realize Pearl’s talking to Levi’s mom.

“I’ll try some of this pizza bake,” Miss Nia says. 

“Spelling tests used to be hard for me, but now they’re easy,” Fran insists. “Ever since Dominique taught me to study for them.”

“She did, huh?” Miss Nia asks, turning to Dominique. “What’s your method?”

“Fran and I are both auditory learners, so we spell out loud,” Dominique shares.

“Always good to know your learning style,” Miss Nia praises.

\--

Francesca thinks it’s nice talking to Levi’s mom about spelling and the bacon cheeseburger casserole tastes great, but she can’t wait to get to presents. And then cake (which she hasn’t even seen yet.) And cupcakes and brownies.

This really is her dream birthday, here with all of her friends. (Well, not all of them. Otherwise Isabella and Kimani and Shane and Giselle and Nico would be here, too. And maybe Olivia, if she wanted.)

But it’s good enough that she’s here with the Avoiders, for real. Away from Moms, even though they’ve been nice lately - because Fran is never sure how long that will last.

This vacation, though… It’s going to last for days and days. 15 of them. More than double the length of time that Pearl and Levi could stay when they visited California.

Levi’s mom is talking to Jesus, and that’s weird, but at least she’s not telling Jesus she prayed for him or something when he was gone. (Even though Levi’s mom is nice, so she probably did pray for Jesus if she knew about him being gone.)

It makes Fran a little jealous, seeing Levi’s super nice mom. She says kind things about every single person and makes them feel special. Fran decides she wants to be like that when she grows up.

“What do you like to cook, Jesus? I make this Mexican lasagna that would make y’all’s heads spin.”

“They don’t like Mexican stuff,” Fran offers helpfully.

Mariana and Jesus glance at her, like she said something rude. “What? You don’t.”

“I mean, she’s right,” Jesus offers like he’s sorry.

“Okay. I bake more than Mexican lasagna. This last thing we tried. It’s really a no-bake pie. How do you feel about that?” Nia’s eyes sparkle.

“Love pie,” Mariana says.

“Well, Levi and I made a citrus pie a while back. Let me tell you. It was delicious.”

“Excuse me?” Fran interjects. “No offense, but I’ve been, like, my most patient ever, and I really want to open presents and eat dessert.”

Jesus smiles at her. “Sounds good, buddy. Let’s get to it.”


	35. Presents

Francesca hurries to finish eating her food. Both of the casseroles were really good, but honestly Fran just wants to get to the good stuff. And the good stuff is opening presents and eating all the desserts.

She sits at the head of the table, feeling like the queen of everything. It’s a tiny bit embarrassing but mostly fun. Levi gives Fran her present from him first. She opens it and finds a  _ Moana _ shirt that says #BornLeader on it.

“Look at this shirt!” she calls out, holding it against herself. 

“You love Moana, just like Levi and Pearl’s daddy,” Nia says.

“I know. Levi told me it was their favorite,” Fran grins. “I love it, too. It’s a thing that bonds us.”

“I thought you’d like it,” Levi grins.

“You thought right,” Fran smiles back. “Now I have an extra one to wear on vacation!”

“Are pictures of you with your presents okay?” Dom asks.

“Yes, and who gave them to me!” Fran insists, waving Levi into frame. “I mean, if you want…”

“I do,” Levi nods. He comes in next to her and asks if he can put his arm around her. He smells fancy, like always. She’s really missed how all The Avoiders smell and just being with them.

They smile, Fran holds onto the shirt, and Dominique takes a picture.

\--

“Since you’re on the West gift train, you want to open mine next?” Pearl asks, seeming kind of nervous.

“Yeah!” Fran says.

Pearl’s present is big. Much bigger than Levi’s. She knows great things can come in small packages, but Fran is always secretly more excited for bigger ones.

She tears the wrapping paper, and with a look at Jesus, quickly remembers the garbage can beside her chair and drops it in, so he doesn’t have to see it and get nervous.

Fran turns over the gift and beams. “It’s a Frozen 2 backpack!” she exclaims. “How did you know I always wanted one of these!”

“I guess, I didn’t,” Pearl admits. “But I seem to remember you’re a fan of the movie.”

“Ever since she was, like, three years old,” Mariana interjects fondly.

“Yep! I’m a lifelong fan! The biggest,” Fran grins, waving Pearl over. “Come here for our photo op!”

Pearl laughs, and comes in close to pose. She always smells like vanilla and coconut and kind of flowery. Fran holds the bag and holds onto Pearl around the neck, pressing their faces together and smiling.

\--

“Who’s next?” Fran asks. 

(She’s a little let down there are only three gifts left in the pile, but she tries not to show it. She’s twelve now. Not a little kid anymore. She can handle it when present time is over.)

“Whoever you want,” Dominique encourages.

“Yours is closest,” Fran decides.

“Will somebody else take over pictures?” Dominique wonders.

“I’d love to,” Pearl says, and takes Dominique’s phone and her exact position so that the pictures will look the same.

“Wait. This one, too…” Dom says, taking out a second gift. Both are wrapped in Harry Potter paper.

“A clue! Just like Pearl said about your Halloween costume, remember?” Fran grins.

“I mean… Could be…” Dominique shrugs. “Open them up and find out.”

Fran opens the big one first and finds a real-life hard-cover copy of  Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix !

“OMG! I’ve been waiting and waiting for this! But I didn’t have money to buy it myself yet. Thank you!” Fran throws her arms around Dominique. She smells relaxing and citrusy put together.

“What about the second one?” Jesus asks.

Curious, Fran takes the paper off the second gift and finds… “Socks?”

“Read them,” Dominique encourages.

“ _ Master has given Dobby a sock… _ ” Fran reads one. “ _...Dobby is free… _ ” she reads the other. 

Tears well in Fran’s eyes. Only Dominique really knows how much feeling Fran has for Dobby, being treated so bad that he self harms. Not having any freedom. Reading about Dobby getting the sock had been the very best part of the second book, which Fran mostly hated because it was boring.

It makes Fran swallow hard. She thinks about Jesus and his friend, Isaac, who couldn’t even go outside and play when they were twelve. She wishes freeing them had been as easy as giving them a sock. They’re Ravenclaw blue, but it’s okay, since Mariana and Dominique are both Ravenclaws.

She really wants to toss Jesus the socks. To let him know she’s thinking of him. But Fran doesn’t want him to think she thinks he and Isaac are elves. And thinking of them as house elves would be even worse.

So instead she just holds onto her book and socks. Dominique leans her head close, until their foreheads are touching. “You okay, babe?”

Fran wipes her tears. “Thank you. I just…feel so happy Dobby got to be free...and it makes me think of all the other kids who need their own version of a sock…” she murmurs.

“You have such a good heart,” Dominique encourages, tears in her own eyes.

“I just relate to Dobby…” Fran says.

“I know you do, babe. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to give you something that made you cry today. I didn’t mean for you to be embarrassed.”

“I know…” Fran blows out a breath. “It’s okay. Because I’m with my Avoiders and you guys don’t make fun of people for having feelings.”

“Right,” Dominique says. “I love you a lot. You know that?”

“I love you, too…” Fran says. She leans over quick and kisses Dominique on her cheek. “I’m sorry,” she apologizes. “I didn’t ask.”

“Thank you…” Dominique says. “But as long as you meant it, I don’t mind so much…”

Fran nods seriously, to show Dominique just how much she did mean it. Then, she poses, with her socks in one hand and the book in the other. Dominique has an arm around Fran.

When she’s done smiling, Pearl says, “I took a couple extra pictures of you, too. But Dominique, you and Fran can decide if you’d like to keep them or not.” 

She hands the phone back to Dominique, and they both see the ones Pearl meant - where Fran has tears running, their heads together. And Fran kissing Dom on the cheek. (Dominique has a surprised smile on her face.) There’s the third one, where they’re posing with Fran’s presents. Her smile’s super CPish. Her neck is stretched up and her chin is high, but she knows all her friends love her smile, so it’s okay.

“I love these,” Fran says. “Thanks, Pearl.”

“Yeah. Thank you…” Dominique nods, taking her place to take pictures again.

\--

“Jesus or Mariana?” Fran asks. “Who wants to go next?” 

“You can,” they say at the same time, and everybody laughs.

“I mean...I guess I don’t really wanna go last...in case my gift is a dud…” Jesus admits. Dudley glances up at him, thinking Jesus is talking about him.

“No gifts you ever gave me were duds,” Fran says, indignant. “Your Christmas gifts were the most delicious.”

“Alright...so here…” he reaches beside him, somewhere she can’t see and gives her something unwrapped. 

“Ooh, something green! I love it already!” Fran says, taking it carefully. “Can I open it?”

“Yeah, go for it,” Jesus says.

Carefully, Fran opens the green fabric. Inside is the softest ever baby sloth stuffed animal. As an afterthought, she checks out the fabric. It's a green tee shirt. A cute sloth sleeps on a branch in a tree. He’s smiling. On him, it says:

_ Don’t hurry, be happy. _

“I love these so much!” Fran exclaims and across the table, Mari winces. “Oops. Sorry, Mari.  _ I love these so much _ !” she exclaims again, this time in a whisper. “But it’s okay if you don’t want a picture.”

“Of course, I want a picture. But is it okay if I take it?” Jesus asks.

“Sure,” Fran smiles.

They smush their faces close together. With Jesus’s long arms, they can get the shirt and her new baby sloth in the picture all at the same time.

“Thank you so much, buddy! Sloths do make me really happy. And not hurrying makes me happy, too,” Fran says, beaming.

“No problem,” Jesus grins.

“Hug?” she asks.

“You bet,” Jesus says, and she hangs on as tight as she can. It’s such a good grip, he stands up and holds her for a minute. It feels good and safe, and she loves his spearminty smell. His man deodorant is way different than her Teen Spirit Pink Crush deodorant.

(Fran doesn’t tell her friends how much she loves their smells just in case they think it’s weird. They probably wouldn’t. But just in case.)

\--

Finally, it’s time for the last gift. It’s another big one, and Fran is really excited because this one is from Mariana, and she loves saving Mari’s gifts for last, even though she loves all her presents the same level, just in different ways.

She presses on it and doesn’t get any clues about what it is except that it feels hard. So it’s not clothes. Or a backpack.

Fran tears into it and lets out a little scream. Inside is Mariana’s pink makeup box with a handle that she’s had forever - and which Fran secretly always wanted - and tried to steal.

Mariana always caught her at it, though.

“This is mine?! For real?” Fran asks. “Because I’m almost a teenager?”

“Yeah,” Mari nods. “Open it up…” 

“Oh…” Fran undoes the easy lock and her mouth falls open. 

It’s full of makeup. Not old makeup from way back when Fran was little, but brand spanking new makeup. Eyeshadows in all the colors. Foundation that matches her exactly. Fancy face lotions. Lip shimmer stuff, not just chapstick.

“Whoa…” she says. “This must have cost hundreds of dollars…”

“It’s fine,” Mariana says. “Callie and I figured...after the wedding...you might be ready for your own stuff. We’ll help you with it.”

“Thank you, thank you, thank you!” Fran says, throwing her arms open. Mariana makes her way over and they hug. Fran tries to pose with her new-old Kaboodle open, showing everything inside. Some spills out.

Nobody even laughs at her or yells. Mari just helps her put it back and Dominique comes closer for a different angle for their picture.

Fran leans close to Mariana, who smells like oranges and cream popsicles. Just like that pie from Sandy’s, because she has an essential oil that matches.

She smiles.

“I love this so much…” she tells Mari quietly, as she pulls up a chair right next to Fran. “Because it’s like you know me. You know I’m growing up, and you and Callie aren’t treating me like a baby.”

“We do know you,” Mariana nods. “And we like you. A lot.”

“Thanks. Can we have dessert?” Fran asks the room full of all her best friends.

\--

Fran is eating an amazing bowl full of vanilla sloth cupcake, Ghirardelli brownie, and DQ My Little Pony ice cream cake when Dominique clears her throat a little bit and stands up.

“We actually all have one more gift for you, Francesca,” she says.

“What?” Fran asks, glancing around. She feels a weird feeling inside, like when Brandon and Talya had the extra gift for moms.

“Don’t worry,” Dominique reassures. “We just wanted you to have time to see it and enjoy it.”

She notices Levi coming up to the table then and setting his laptop down in front of her. He presses some buttons, and there’s Olivia!

_ “Happy birthday, Francesca! _ _ I’m so glad we got to meet each other, and I hope you have a great birthday with all your friends.” _

\--

Next is Oliver:

_ “Hi, Fran. Listen, no matter what anybody says, you’re a cool kid. And your moms are lucky to have you. You can text me anytime. Even holidays,” _ he says with a little smirk. But his eyes are gentle so she knows he’s not being mean.

\--

Fran’s mouth drops open as Shane, from school, is on screen:

_ “Hey Fran! Happy birthday! Here’s your favorite song. At least...I think it’s still your favorite…”  _ he says, sounding confused. And then he plays  _ Speechless _ , from the live action  _ Aladdin _ movie on his guitar. All of it.

“He’s good,” Levi comments.

“He plays all the time at recess,” Fran points out, proud.

\--

Kimani is next.

“How did you guys talk to all my friends from school?” Fran asks, impressed.

“I have ways…” Dominique says mysteriously, smiling. 

On screen, Kimani says:

_ “Hey, Francesca. You’re a great best friend and such a good listener. I always know I got somebody in my corner, and I’m always glad when you come to school. I hope you have a great birthday.”  _

\--

Next is Isabella. Fran’s heart feels like it could burst from happiness.

_ “Francesca, I love you so much. You’re gonna have so much fun in Minnesota with all your grownup friends, and I’m jealous. I wish I had that. But I’m also happy for you that you do. You make every single day of mine bright, just by being in it.” _

Fran wipes her eyes. She might have a teensy weensy crush on Isabella now. But don’t tell. She even has an actual paper-note from Bella that says BELLA + FRAN = and a heart in bubble letters and is signed with another heart and Isabella’s name in cursive. 

Nobody knows yet. It’s just their secret.

\--

Seeing Nico there on screen surprises Fran:

_ “Happy birthday! I hope you have fun and eat lots of cake!” _

\--

Then, it’s Michael’s turn - Dominique’s dad, not her mortal enemy - thank goodness:

_ “Francesca, I hope you know how special you are to us. We loved having you with us when we Trick-or-Treated. Your sloth costume was on point. You’re a great kid. And we love you. If you ever need anything, please don’t hesitate to let us know. Happy birthday. You’re the best.” _

\--

Jaimie’s next, and Fran’s heart feels all warm:

_ “Francesca, one of the greatest gifts our family has gotten is the opportunity to get to know you, babe. You’re so smart and kind and protective. You have so many good points. I know being twelve, you’re right in that age where you might only be able to see the things you don’t like about yourself...but there’s plenty to like. Trust me. We all love you so much. It’s no trouble at all to carry you. To adapt for you in any way you need. We love you a lot. Have a happy birthday, okay?” _

\--

When Mrs. Smith comes up on screen, Fran almost chokes. She’s that surprised:

“ _ Hi, Francesca! It was so much fun meeting you at Christmas and getting to know you when you come over and play with Giselle every week. We really love you around here. I hope you know that. I’m so glad we got to meet. Happy birthday!” _

\--

Giselle comes next, singing:

_ “Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday, dear Francesca! Happy birthday to you. I can’t believe I’m still nine and you’re twelve. I hope you still want to be my friend. I’ll be ten next month. I hope you like our matching charm bracelets. I hope they make you feel not-alone.” _

\--

When Nia comes up on screen, real live Nia covers her face and says, “Oh Lord…”

Fran laughs a little.

Video Nia says: “ _ Hey Francesca. We don’t know each other yet, but hopefully by the time you see this, we’ll have met. I’m so glad you came into Levi and Pearl’s lives. They really love you a lot. And I know when I meet you, I’ll love you, too. Hope you have a wonderful birthday, honey.” _

\--

Mariana’s message is typed, white font on a pink background:

_ Dear Francesca, _

_ We’ve been through so much together and I want you to know that I can’t imagine being able to get through it without you. Thank you for being here with me. I love you so much and I will do everything I can to protect you always. You are my favorite baby sis. Have the best time and eat so much cake. Know you’re so loved and seen and believed. _

_ Love, Mari _

Fran locks eyes with Mari. She makes her hands into the shape of a heart, and points at her.

Mari does the same back.

\--

Pearl is next on screen. Just like Nia, actual Pearl is kind of embarrassed. But video Pearl is confident:

_ “Happy birthday, Fran! I can’t believe you’re turning twelve! When I met you, you weren’t even five yet. And I’m pretty sure you liked Gracie more than me...but Gracie was pretty loveable and obviously you had great instincts for dogs. Anyway, I just want you to know you’re so loved, and I feel so honored and just...thankful that you want to spend your birthday up here with all of us. We’re doing our best to make it as special as we can, because you’re such an amazing part of us.” _

She shows her purple bracelet then:  _ “Avoiders unite, right?” _

Fran shows her green bracelet to real live Pearl. “Right,” she says.

\--

Levi’s there next, in glasses that make him look Harry Potterish.

“ _ Happy birthday, Fran. I’ve loved seeing you grow over the last year, and I hope we can stay friends for such a long time. You’re such a great kid and I hope you can see that and know it’s true. I love how honest you are. How much you care about other people. And I really love being able to enjoy Moana with you. It really does help when I’m missing my dad. So thank you for that. Love you.” _

\--

Dominique is here in front of her on screen:

_ “Francesca, I love you so much. And I want you to know that whenever you need anything at all? I’ve got your back. I hope you have the happiest birthday, and you get everything you want. But especially that you come away knowing that you matter. Because you do. You’re the only Francesca that we have in The Avoiders. We wouldn’t be the same without you, babe. Happy birthday. We love you so much.” _

_ \-- _

All this time, Fran hasn’t been sure if Jesus would be in this. He doesn’t like videos or pictures.

But here he is. Him and Dudley both.

“ _ Buddy. I’m so glad I get to be here for your birthday. I still get a little bit sad that I missed you coming into the world. That I missed you turning one. But I know that you can’t remember a life without me...and that’s pretty amazing. Thank you for always seeing me. For always treating me like me. You really have a way of making people feel affirmed and loved. You’re pretty perfect at that. Happy birthday, Fran. I love the heck out of you.” _

\--

Fran doesn’t know what to do.

She can’t think of what to say, so she drags the cursor back, so the video plays again.

Her cake and brownie and cupcake have melted together.

She slurps them...and gets the sense that Dominique’s taking pictures so she glances up and sticks her tongue out laughing.

Dominique laughs, too.

And Fran sighs. 

This day, her friends, just everything…

It’s all just like Jesus said.

Pretty perfect.


	36. Settling

“Look, you guys! All my presents fit inside my new backpack!” Fran exclaims, showing them. “Even my Kaboodle! Now, it’s perfect! I just have one new carry-on for the airport!”

“That’s good news,” Pearl says, but she sounds distracted.

“Then why do you sound like that?” Fran asks, concerned. “It’s your backpack you got me. I thought you’d be happy it fits all my presents,” 

“And I am… Just… Hey, are we all okay if I share a memory from when I was little?” 

Francesca comes to the table, because that’s where they have Feelings Time. It doesn’t feel scary like being at tables with Moms. “You can share your memory with me,” she offers.

“And me,” Mariana sits down with a cup of coffee.

“And me,” Jesus joins with a bottle of water and an apricot. Fran doesn’t know how he’s still hungry, but she doesn’t say anything because only Jesus is in his body and Fran isn’t. 

Francesca ate so much food she probably will never eat again. She still feels full, and it’s been a while since Nia went home.

She watches as he casually puts half the apricot on a tiny plate and slides it over to Mariana.

“You don’t have to share your food,” Mariana says.

“I know,” Jesus answers. “I’m choosing to.”

“Thanks,” Mariana answers, picking up the apricot and taking a bite.

“I’m coming,” Dominique says. “Sorry. Roberta is just...she keeps trying to go outside. It was probably a bad idea to bring her, but I missed her so much last year, and…”

“She’s fine now,” Levi says, coming to join them. He gestures up to the second floor where there’s a railing with gaps in it. From there, you can look down and see the whole entire cabin.

“She’s like the queen,” Fran giggles. 

Dominique laughs. “She definitely thinks she is.” She settles in the chair.

Fran’s phone buzzes with a text from Moms. 

_ Check in? _

Mari is checking her phone at the same time and then turning the sound off and putting it facedown on the table. Fran copies her. She doesn’t want to talk to Moms either and ruin her birthday.

It’s easy with The Avoiders. They don’t have to try to love her. They just do.

“Are you two okay if I share a memory from when I was little?” Pearl asks Levi and Dominique.

“Yeah, share away,” Dominique says, but Levi hesitates.

“Is Carla in it?” he asks.

“A little,” Pearl allows. “And Dad, tangentially.”

“What’s tangentially?” Fran asks Dominique.

“That means...kinda...not directly...but related,” Dominique says because she knows everything about spelling and vocabulary.

“Okay,” Levi nods. “Just so I know it’s coming.”

“I know it’s April...and that’s not our best month, so I want to be mindful of that…” Pearl says.

“You can share, Pearl,” Levi encourages.

“Well...the day after I found out all that information about our past…” she ventures, with a regretful look at Levi. “I had this dream...that I woke up on the couch in the house where I lived with her. And...there was a backpack near me. My school bag. It was navy blue, and it had Big Bird on it. It said some words, but I don’t remember what they were…” Pearl shakes her head.

“We’re listening,” Levi tells her.

“I know backpacks are important,” Jesus adds.

“...and details,” Mariana adds.

“Right,” Dominique nods.

“How old were you?” Fran asks. The Big Bird backpack means Pearl must have been just a little kid.

“I was four,” Pearl shares. “So, I realize, my backpack is full. Round. Zipped tight. So I pretended with it for a while. Then I got curious and unzipped it, and it was full of clothes.” 

“That’s why you had this whole memory...because I showed you my full backpack,” Fran realizes. “I’m sorry, Pearl.”

“Listen, I had the dream already. I had it a while ago. This just brought it back, but you didn’t do anything wrong,” she reassures.

“Oh,” Fran says. She digs in her bag and takes out her brand new baby sloth and cuddles it. It’s the softest ever. “Keep going, then.”

“I took all the clothes out, looking for I’m not sure what… Then I put them back, so I wouldn’t get in trouble. I looked around for Dad...and...I couldn’t find him. I got myself breakfast and then, when my mother woke up, I asked her where he was.”

“And she didn’t even tell you,” Fran remembers.

“Right. First, she ignored me. And then, finally, when I asked again, where she couldn’t ignore me, she snapped at me that he was gone and he was never coming back. All I could think of was this episode of Mr. Rogers I had seen where one of his fish dies. I asked if she meant gone like dead. She said yes.”

“That’s so messed up,” Jesus breathes. “That’s some super hell shit right there…”

Fran tries not to make it a big deal that he’s swearing, since in the new contract, they’re allowed to swear to express themselves, as long as it’s not at people.

“How does it feel?” Mariana asks.

“I have no idea,” Pearl admits.

“Well...how’d it feel the first time? When you had the dream?” Jesus tries.

“I felt...rage. At my mother. For lying,” Pearl admits.

“Are you sure it wasn’t at me?” Levi asks quietly. “You said you had this dream right after… Right after you found out the thing about you and me.”

Fran is one hundred percent confused but doesn’t want to interrupt.

“Levi...no… She was the adult. She was the reason I wasn’t in contact with Dad. Not you.”

“I didn’t help,” Levi says, staring down at the table.

“You were a child,” Dominique points out. “Around here, we give kids the benefit of the doubt, knowing that they’re not done growing yet.”

“Do you remember how hideous I was at all this feelings stuff just last year?” Pearl asks. “All of you gave me the benefit of the doubt, and I was long out of childhood by then… I don’t blame you, Levi. Yes, it’s a hard thing. But we can deal with hard things...and still be safe.”

“Did you wanna say anymore?” Levi asks carefully.

“Just...I think it’s a memory...and now that memory has more pieces. Now that I talked to Nia,” Pearl says, looking at Levi and Jesus.

“Oh.” Levi says, looking shocked.

“What are we talking about?” Fran asks.

“I just found out something scary that my mom did to me when I was very little. When I was that age. My dad tried to leave and take me with him, but my mom did something scary to me in front of him to make him leave,” Pearl shares.

“And he  _ left _ ?” Fran asks, incredulous. “I would never leave a four year old!”

“Thanks, Fran,” Pearl says. “I appreciate that.”

“Do you wish he took you with him?” Fran asks, genuinely sad. She’s thinking of Timothy. Of how different her life would be, maybe, if he was in it.

“Very much so, yes,” Pearl nods.

“But he didn’t,” Fran says. “I thought he was a good dad. Like, the best,” she looks at Levi, confused.

“Even the best parents...they make mistakes sometimes,” Levi says. “By the time I knew Dad, he was a lot older. So that means, he’d learned a lot more. Like twenty years more stuff. So he got to be a better parent for me. But it doesn’t mean he loved Pearl any less than he loved me.”

Fran isn’t so sure about that, but she doesn’t want to hurt Pearl’s feelings so she doesn’t say it.

“What about you, Fran?” Pearl asks. “Did you have a good birthday?”

“The best one in my whole entire life,” Fran grins. “I got the best presents and had all my best people at it. Can we do makeup?” she asks, looking at Mari, Dominique and Pearl.

“Maybe tomorrow,” Mariana allows. “It’s late now.”

“I don’t know much about makeup, but maybe you guys can teach me,” Pearl offers.

“And...I can't be in on makeup time… It’s a trauma thing,” Dominique admits. But I’d love to see you when you’re done, if you’re happy with it.”

“Are you sure it would be okay and wouldn’t wake up your trauma or something?” Fran asks.

“I hope not,” Dominique says, hesitating, and then she just keeps talking anyway.. “I was forced to wear makeup before I was ready,” she shares. “It was a part of...when I was kidnapped.”

“Like Jesus. Except he was a boy so he didn’t have to wear makeup,” Fran deduces. 

Jesus shudders a little and so does Dominique.

“Oops. I’m sorry,” Fran apologizes.

“We’re okay,” Dominique says, breathing. “Anyway, I think I’ll be fine seeing your makeup if you wanna show me, but just...give me a heads up?”

“I will,” Fran promises. “I’m sorry for making you shiver, buddy,” she says.

“I know. I know you didn’t mean to,” Jesus says. “So you wanna do your makeup thing tomorrow? And you feel like today went okay?”

Fran nods. “More than okay. Really amazingly great. Thank you, all you guys for doing all this for me. Also, PS, I’m ignoring Moms’ texts because I’m checking in with you, not them,” she grins a little.

“Same,” Mariana nods.

“Mariana, how are you? Since Moms don’t get to ask?” Fran checks.

“Fine… I...relate...I guess. To you, Dom... about makeup.”

“I thought you loved makeup…” Fran objects, confused. “Do you not?”

“It’s not makeup...but there are other things that...can make a person feel...some way…”

“Like what?” Fran asks.

“Like, dressing up? Like dresses at the wedding?” Mariana shares, quiet.

“Well, you don’t have to wear dresses if you don’t want to, and nobody has to wear makeup, unless they want to,” Fran says. “Because we’re The Avoiders, and it’s safe here.”

“Thanks,” Dominique says.

“I think...you and I should turn in…” Mariana says, glancing meaningfully at Fran.

“Do I have to sleep on the ground again? I don’t want to climb the huge steps either…” Fran says.

“I was thinking… You and I could sleep in the big bed in the bedroom right there,” Mariana points to the room she and Dom shared last year.

“And I could take a room upstairs,” Dominique offers.

“If you guys are fine with it, I could take another, up there,” Pearl says. “And that way Levi and Jesus, you can have your own space. Not that I’m orchestrating where anybody has to be. It’s just a thought,” Pearl insists.

“It’s a good one,” Levi says, with a glance at Jesus, who nods.

Fran would normally put up more of a fight about going to bed now, but she’s exhausted. Everybody comes to her chair and offers goodnight hugs. Fran thanks them all for her birthday, and then she takes Mariana’s hand and they walk to the bedroom together.

She barely has time to take her shoes off before Fran collapses into bed and falls asleep. Mariana does the same right beside her.

\--

Pearl carefully goes upstairs, regarding Roberta on the landing.

The cat glares at Cleo, even though Cleo ignores her altogether.

“Sorry. I didn’t really think this through. The diva cat who thinks she’s queen of the world, sharing space with a bunch of dogs…” Dominique muses.

“It’s fine,” Pearl says. “She’ll adapt. Or she won’t.”

“Do you have a preference? For rooms?” Dominique says. “I know you usually take the couch...but…”

“Don’t tell anyone, but I am getting seriously old, and that couch at our cabin is like… I swear it’s twenty-five years old, and I can feel every single spring. I look forward to luxuriating in a bed. Any bed. Feel free to choose first.”

Dominique picks the one nearest the bathroom and Pearl easily accepts the remaining one. “Damn. I really wanted to have Dock Talks with Levi tonight.”

“Text him,” Pearl says, from next door. “I’m sure he’ll be up for it tomorrow.”

\--

Jesus walks into Levi’s cabin carefully.

He hasn’t spent a lot of time here lately. In fact, the only time he was here recently was in the aftermath of Pearl’s mom breaking in and messing with all their stuff.

Now, at least, it looks untouched.

He flinches as he hears a loud, low woof, and a giant dog - even bigger than Dudley - comes careening toward them.

Levi opens his arms. “Hey! I missed you! Jesus, Dudley, this is Panther.”

“She looks bigger than she did on Polo,” Jesus observes as Panther licks Levi’s face.

“Yeah, she’s pretty massive, but she’s a good girl. Aren’t you?” Levi asks the dog.

His phone chimes and he checks it. 

“Who is it?” Jesus asks.

“Oh… Oh!” Levi exclaims. “I’m so upset...I missed Dock Talks our first night with Dominique.”

“Maybe do it the first morning? Or do you have to work?” Jesus cringes.

Levi grins. “Nope. I requested time off for the whole time y’all were gonna be here. I didn’t wanna be dealing with panic attacks and asking for backup when you’re here on vacation. Let me show you around.”

“Dude,” Jesus says, “Just to be clear, you can always ask us for backup. We’re happy to. But I’m also stoked that you’re gonna be able to hang with us the whole time.”

“I could do Dock Talks in the morning…” Levi ventures. “If I knew how to wake up before the afternoon. Sleep is hard.”

“I think Mari would agree so hard with you on that,” Jesus says.

”This is the living room. Pearl usually sleeps on the couch. It’s really uncomfortable, but it’s a couch. I can take it, if you’d rather sleep in a bed.”

“No. I’ll take the uncomfortable couch,” Jesus insists. “Gladly.”

“Okay. There are blankets. Feel free to use any of them. You can...I guess we don’t have TV, but we have Netflix and you can watch whatever you want on there. The kitchen...is around here…” Levi says, as Panther trots at his side and Dudley stays right with Jesus.

“Nice,” Jesus says.

“You can check it out,” Levi invites. “We’ve got food in the fridge - mostly leftovers - frozen dinners and ice cream in the freezer. Cupboards are all stocked.”

Tentatively, Jesus checks. It’s exactly like Levi promises.

“Oh. And I forgot,” Levi says, leading the way back to the living room, and opening a drawer. “Pearl mentioned the first time you came here that you liked having food that could travel with you.” He opens a side table drawer, revealing it stocked with peanut butter sandwiches, graham crackers, trail mix, protein brownie bars, chips, fruit snacks, Junior Mints and Hostess cupcakes. 

“Holy shit…” Jesus breathes.

“So, any of this? It’s cool if you need to take it with you,” Levi says easily. “And that whole case of water in the fridge? That’s for you, too. You don’t have to drink it all, but it’s there, in case…”

Jesus blinks. “You two...you think of everything… Like...so much more than Moms do…”

“Oh yeah. And the bathroom’s this tiny little room,” Levi opens a door to show Jesus. “If you’re claustrophobic, I’m sorry in advance.”

Jesus is actually so relieved. It’s a half-bath really. No tub. And so small only one person could possibly fit inside it at once.

“I’ll take that as a compliment,” Levi says. “About your moms.”

“Good, you should,” Jesus says. “Would you, like, be offended if I went through here and checked that everything was locked before we turned in for the night?”

“Not at all,” Levi says. “That’d be cool, actually. And, just so you know? You can leave. Anytime. We’re not trapped in here.” 

“You’re so specific,” Jesus says, relaxing.

“Thank you?” Levi asks.

“No. Thank  _ you _ , dude. For real. What you and Pearl and Nia did for Fran? And now this? It’s...everything…”

“We’re happy to,” Levi says, grinning. “It’s no trouble.” He glances down at Panther, who is definitely sniffing Dudley’s butt.

“Oh my God, Panther. Manners,” Levi exclaims.

Jesus cracks up. He can’t help it.

He also can’t help feeling that he’s totally at home.


	37. Waking

Francesca is awake super early the next morning. Like, the sun isn’t even up yet. Then, she remembers the annoying time difference. She feels like she slept a million hours and she can’t wait to start enjoying all of her time with The Avoiders...except...they’re all still sleeping.

She thinks about all the things she could do:

She could go next door and see if Jesus and Levi are awake yet.

Fran pokes Mariana very gently in the arm. “Hey. Can I go see if Jesus is awake?” she whispers.

“What?” Mariana asks. She jerks awake and looks around, realizing where they are after a second. “No. Don’t you dare…” she mumbles before flopping back down. “But thanks for asking,” she says from under the covers.

Fran goes back to thinking. 

So, she can’t leave the cabin. That means no hanging out on the dock to see if any fish are awake. She knows better on that one. No safe adult plus no life jacket equals no dock time for her. But it’s magical and mysterious out there.

Fran gets up and presses her face to the window.

Then she goes back to bed because she can’t see anything.

But she can’t sleep, either, so she creeps out of bed, and closes the door quietly. It surprises her that she can smell coffee out here.

She glances around and spies Pearl on the couch with a newspaper and a cup of coffee. She spies hot chocolate bubbling on the stove and waves shyly to Pearl, and then points to the pan, with her eyebrows raised.

Pearl grins and gets up, coming to hug her tightly. “Hey, Twelve-Year-Old,” she says softly. “How’s it feel to be twelve?”

“The best,” Fran gushes. 

Pearl moves to the stove and pours out some hot chocolate carefully in a cup. She adds twelve mini marshmallows to the top and then offers to make Fran an egg and some toast and bacon.

Fran sits at the table and tries to read her new book but her eyes keep jumping all around.

Maybe breakfast will help. Roberta jumps up on the chair next to Fran, watching her. Barely moving at all, except her tail.

“Roberta, you can’t have bacon,” Fran says. “You’re fat enough.”

Roberta glares at Fran.

“I’m sorry. That was mean. But really, I don’t know if bacon is bad for cats,” Fran explains. Roberta still stays on the chair next to Fran to watch her eat, and keep an eye on Cleo, who she hates, especially.

“Always good to err on the side of caution,” Pearl says.

Fran doesn’t know what that means, but caution means careful. “It’s always good to be careful?” she guesses.

“Right you are,” Pearl says.

Fran eats her breakfast, and it’s super delicious. Then, she and Pearl just hang out for hours and hours. Pearl lets her watch all the Sunday morning cartoons she wants, and they share the same blanket.

“I used to do this with my dad, when I was a little girl,” Pearl confides. “He’d sit in his chair and watch cartoons with me all morning long.”

“Do you think I would’ve got to do this with Timothy?” Fran asks.

“Maybe,” Pearl allows. “I’m not sure.”

The show comes back on and they keep watching.

Dominique slips out the door, making Roberta mad until she jumps up on the couch with them. She curls up near Fran and they watch TV together.

\--

Levi wakes up suddenly, even though he’s got his most soothing alarm set. 6:30 AM is just too early. Especially since he didn’t go to bed until after midnight. 

He wouldn’t do this normally, but he traded texts with Dominique yesterday, and they decided to get up early and catch the sunrise on the dock. He has the thought to get fully dressed, including making sure his hair is done, but he decides against it.

The only thing he does to that end is grab a hoodie and some shoes.

He brews a cup of coffee fast and puts in a generous amount of chocolate syrup, hoping the noise doesn’t wake Dudley or Jesus.

“Morning,” Jesus greets. 

Levi realizes just how tense he’s been when everything in him relaxes at the sound of his friend’s voice.

“God. Sorry. I’m trying to be quiet. I wanted to get ready to meet Dom, and I can’t go empty handed.”

“Can I help?” Jesus asks, biting into a Hostess snack cake.

“You think Fran would be mad if I brought a couple brownies to share? They’re hers.”

“Maybe ask her. She might be up. And she’s sensitive about people just taking her food. Mari and I ate some of her Halloween candy when she was just a kid. She still talks about it.”

“Ah,” Levi smiles.

**Levi:**

_ Can I take 2 of your birthday brownies for breakfast? 6:43 AM _

**Fran:**

_ Yes you can. I am having eggs with yokes and toast and [bacon emoji] and [fire emoji] [chocolate emoji] just make sure there is one left for me plzzz. 6:47 AM _

“Okay, I got the green light. She just wants to make sure there’s one left for her to have. And there’s quite a few. Oh! I have to make this new tea I found. I actually have no idea if it’s new, but I saw it at work and I was like… I just had to get it,” Levi rambles.

“Dude…” Jesus says. “Are you okay?”

Levi turns away from the microwave, his shoulders slumping. “No. It’s April, and it’s too early and I look like this...and...I just miss my dad…and I feel like I can’t legitly miss him now… Now that Pearl knows I kept him from her. Because I had so much more time than she did. And she could have. And I ruined that.”

“Whoa,” Jesus says. “Do you need a hug, or something?” 

“I never don’t,” Levi says, feeling so lonely.

Jesus wraps his arms around Levi tightly and holds on hard. “It’s okay to miss him,” he whispers.

Levi’s knees go a little weak, but Jesus holds him up.

“You look fine. Dom won’t judge you. But if you need more layers? There’s this hella cool Dad blanket on the couch,” Jesus invites softly, gesturing.

Levi laughs a little. “Thank you,” he says. “Sorry, I’m such a wreck.”

“Hey, if you can’t be wrecked around your friends, something’s wrong,” Jesus says, holding Levi at arm’s length, to steady him.

Levi’s eyes flicker to the quilt on the couch, made of pieces of Dad’s old shirts. 

Jesus picks it up, offering it, but Levi just stands there, until Jesus puts it around his shoulders. He squints and asks. “Is that your dad?”

Levi turns, his breath caught, until he remembers the pictures on the wall. The card from two years ago. And the one from Christmas a few months ago, where he, Mom and Pearl all held Dad’s picture.

“Yeah…that’s… That’s him,” Levi manages.

“Sir, I just want you to know that I love your kids. My sisters love your kids. They’re family to us,” Jesus says seriously, addressing Dad in the picture of the four of them. “You think we’d pass the test?” he asks Levi.

“He didn’t have tests,” Levi says, wiping his eyes. “He trusted that everybody needed to find their own people. Whoever I found, he welcomed. With open arms. I gotta go,” he says, checking his phone. “You wanna come next door?” he asks. “Fran’s awake. And I think Pearl is, too. Because Fran had a big breakfast already.”

“Oh, nice. Yeah. Probably safer than staying here on my own,” Jesus says and follows Levi out, helping him with thermoses while Levi carries a Tupperware full of brownies.

Levi walks silently until Jesus speaks. “I made this walk a bunch of times with your sis. Years ago. Going back here, it was always super hard. But it’s different now. We’ve all got each other. I’ve got people who get it. Who get me,” Jesus says.

Levi’s hands are full, but he bumps Jesus with his shoulder a little, an acknowledgement.

They step up on the porch and the door swings open. “Hi, buddy! Hi Levi!” Fran greets. “I saw you coming!” Her arms are open, waiting. 

“Cool,” Jesus says, hugging her.

“I’m twelve now,” she says in Jesus’s arms, and Levi melts a little.

“I know,” Jesus says. “I’m so happy you get to turn twelve and be super safe, surrounded by all the people who love you.”

“Dominique’s already outside waiting for you,” Fran says, pointing. “Also, I remembered not to go onto the dock without you guys...and without a life jacket.”

“Good job,” Jesus says.

Levi takes two brownies out of the Tupperware and shuffles the thermoses around until he can carry everything. And then he heads for the dock.

“Levi…” Fran stage whispers. “Can you let me know if the fish are awake?”

He laughs, “I’ll see what I can figure out,” he nods.

\--

Dominique shivers a little on the edge of the dock. She didn’t forget, exactly, how cold it was here. More like she put it out of her mind. Now, though, what she wouldn’t give for something warm. At least the cold is keeping her awake. Her body’s still definitely on California-time, which means it feels like it’s approaching 5 AM.

“Hey, it’s Levi,” she hears. “Okay if I come down?”

“Yeah,” Dominique nods. She can feel his footsteps reverberate and she’s glad he identified himself before coming. Even the lightest person sounds like a giant on these things.

“May I sit down?” he asks, and she indicates the other side of the wide white chair. 

“Here,” he says, handing her a silver thermos. “I saw lavender and lemon tea my last day at work before vacation, and I had to pick it up for you.”

“Oh, my God, you didn’t? Seriously?” Dominique asks, her eyes lighting up. She cracks the lid and sniffs it. “Mmm…”

“And a brownie,” Levi hands her one.

Then they just sit and watch the sun come up over the water. It’s peaceful.

They don’t even speak at all until the sun’s fully up. Then, Levi’s voice sounds strange. Covered. “Are you okay? Like, how are you doing? From surgery?”

Dominique slides her eyes toward him and sees that there are tears on his face. She doesn’t comment. Just takes a bite of brownie and chews for a while. “You know, you’re the only one who’s thought to ask me that lately? It’s like...once the recovery period’s over, people think… I don’t have any idea what they think...but they don’t ask.”

“I am,” Levi says solemnly. His nose sounds stuffy.

“I hate not feeling safe...like...in myself. Do you get that?” she asks. “Like, apparently, people feel at home in their bodies, and ever since… Well, I’ve just felt further and further off from that.”

“Yeah,” Levi nods. “I get that.” He glances at the water. “Any idea how to tell if fish are awake or asleep?”

“If they’re asleep, they’ll just be chilling near the bottom or near the surface of the water. They breathe slow, respond slow, or not at all,” Dominique explains, glancing at the water.

Levi turns to her, shocked. “How do you know that?”

“We had fish when I was really young. My parents used to say I had to take a nap and the fish did, too. They’d tell me how they slept but that they were shy and would only do it if they weren’t the only ones.”

“Fran was wondering…” Levi explains. “Also, that was really cute.”

They watch the sun rise higher in the sky.

“I missed this,” Dominique says.

“Me, too,” Levi agrees. “Maybe we could make it a thing? Sunrise Dock Talks?”

Dominique smirks at him, but says. “Sure. Sunrise Dock Talks. If we can take naps to make up for the lack of sleep...”

“Please,” Levi grins.

They clink their cups together.

\--

Mariana stays in bed long after she’s awake, just hanging out, until all the smells from the kitchen get too tempting. She’s slept with her headphones on and it was the best decision she’s ever made.

The second she tries easing them off, the noise increases. She cringes and puts them back in place easing the door open. And when the brightness stabs her eyes she doubles back for sunglasses, hoping no one will comment about air traffic controllers or rock stars.

But that was Moms. And Brandon. That’s not here. Like Fran said. They’re safe here.

“Morning,” she murmurs.

“Hey, it is actually still morning!” Fran says, checking her phone. “For...three more minutes!”

“Want some breakfast? I can make you an egg,” Pearl offers.

Mariana wrinkles her nose. She finds a S’mores granola bar and when she turns back around, Jesus is pouring her coffee.

“Thanks,” she says.

He sits down next to her and she glances around.

Dominique and Fran are on the couch reading. Pearl’s puttering around the kitchen. Levi’s hovering on the edges of the living room to overhear how the book is going.

He glances up, feeling her eyes on him.

She takes him in, wearing pajamas and a dark purple hoodie, his hair undone and still slept on. It occurs to her that he’s seen her with her guard down a ton of times, but this is the first time she’s seen him like this.

Not on.

Not ready.

Not looking exactly some way.

She sends him a smile.

Mariana loves seeing the real Levi.


	38. Unknown

Levi refills his coffee (and one for Mari) and makes his way out onto the back step. 

“Sorry, it’s cold this morning. But at least there’s privacy out here,” Levi shivers.

“Can we just go to your place?” Mariana asks. “We don’t have to freeze.”

“If you want…” Levi nods.

“If  _ you _ want…” Mari repeats, asking.

“I’d love to talk to you and not freeze in the process, yeah. If you’re okay with Panther,” Levi says.

“I mean, Panther seems…” Mariana ventures.

“Seems…” Levi echoes.

“I’m not really a dog person?” Mariana admits.

“Hold on. What?” Levi asks, shocked. “What about Dudley?”

“He’s fine. But, like...pets…” Mariana ventures. “They’re unpredictable. And gross.”

“And loyal,” Levi lists with an easy smile, not offended at all. “And loveable. But I see your point. I’ll go in first and make sure she’s chilling before you come in.”

“Thank you,” Mariana breathes. “I hope we can still be friends,” she remarks seriously, and Levi sees the humor in her eyes.

“Because you’re not a dog-lover? You’ll come around. I mean, Dad wasn’t a dog-person either, and in the end, he was super worried about Panther not feeling included in the ugly sweater Christmas cards.”

“I love that card,” Mariana remembers.

They arrive at the cabin, and as promised, Levi goes in first, setting their coffees down and intercepting Panther before she can bowl Mari over with her enthusiasm.

“Sit. Stay. We’re going to have manners. Yes, we are,” Levi insists, as Mari makes her way inside and sits on the couch.

When she’s settled, Levi calls Panther over and she obediently lies down by his feet.

“Jesus slept here,” she says, no doubt recognizing the neat way he’s left the blankets and his pillow on top of them.

“He did,” Levi yawns.

“Did you? Sleep?” Mari checks.

“Kind of?” Levi admits. “Not enough. But I really wanted to catch the sunrise with Dom.”

“How was it?” Mari asks.

“Amazing. Some of my dad’s best work…” Levi says.

“Debatable,” Mariana says.

“What do you mean?” Levi asks.

“I mean, I think that  _ you’re _ … You and  _ Pearl _ are probably…” Mariana’s cheeks are pink.

“Oh,” Levi says, smiling a little.

Mariana’s still staring at Jesus’s pillow. “I haven’t used yours yet. I’m sorry.” she apologizes.

“Hey, no. You don’t need to apologize. “It’s fine. I knew it was a risk to send it. But I couldn’t think of anything else to send and I wanted you to have something…” Levi rambles.

“It’s just...the whole day was a shitshow...and I feel terrible for not telling you about it...but like...I just…”

“You don’t have to, Mari. You’ve never had to. Not if you don’t want to,” Levi insists.

“But we share so much,” she objects. “Not sharing this...especially after everything you know about the hellsite...it just… Why  _ wouldn’t _ I tell you?”

“Maybe ‘cause it involves someone you trusted? Someone you liked? Were attracted to? Who used that against you? And, forgive me for drawing parallels, especially if there aren’t any, but…”

“You’re someone I like. Someone I trust. Am attracted to,” Mariana fills in. “And yeah, that’s hard sometimes. But I also just...I wanna be able to talk to you.”

“So, how was it? Your day?” he asks, and Levi can see Mariana relax.

“I emailed Moms. Lena was okay, but Stef...told me she’d rather the accident never happened so I could still have my future or some crap,” Mariana says, bitter.

“Sounds invalidating,” Levi comments. “So, she was horrible?”

“They asked...but basically invited themselves over for dinner at Jesus’s...where Stef was like…’ _ I think this day is harder for us...than it is for you.. _ ’ to me.”

“No she did not,” Levi says, incredulous. “I mean, I absolutely believe you, to be clear, but oh my God.”

“Right? And I’d been talking to C on and off. She’s been great, actually. It kinda encouraged me to…”

“To what?” Levi asks.

“Well...I kinda started yelling at them, at dinner and I....disclosed…” Mariana admits, ducking her head.

“Oh, God…” Levi says, his eyes wide. “What did they do?”

“Claimed they had no idea. I was losing it, so Jesus made them leave. Fran stayed the whole time. And I feel like...that was... We should have made sure she was safer.”

“Was she okay?” Levi asks.

“She cried,” Mariana admits, tearing up.

Levi bites his lip. He wants to touch her hand. To offer Kleenex. Something. But touching her without consent wouldn’t be comforting, and Kleenex would send a message that her tears weren’t okay.

“I’m so sorry,” Levi says.

“Callie...she...came down from school… She talked to Moms with me. And they’ve...kind of gotten better about the whole thing over the last month or so. Stef actually asks about it now.”

“No way,” Levi murmurs.

“I know…” Mariana nods. “Anyway...it felt weird that you didn’t know any of this. Pearl still doesn’t...and I wasn’t trying to leave you both out it just…”

“You were living your life, Mariana. You don’t owe us an explanation or any details you’re not totally ready to share.”

“When I talked to Callie...I mentioned the pillow...and I...I almost called you my boyfriend…” Mariana admits.

“Oh,” Levi says.

“How do you feel about that?” she wonders.

“Uh...I feel like...you can call me whatever you want. Assuming it’s not a horrible name, because we don’t do that.”

“I know, but this is a name that has to do with you. So you should have a say?” Mariana tries.

“I don’t mind it,” Levi says again. “Would you mind if I called you my girlfriend?”

“I don’t think so. But I mean...this. Us. You were my wedding date...but we can’t really date. We live too far.”

“Not right now….” Levi says softly. 

“Levi,” Mariana says.

“What? Am I missing you?” he asks.

“Kind of a lot, yeah,” Mariana nods, sipping her coffee. “I’m trying to have a serious conversation with you. This isn’t just whatever for me. It can’t be casual or joking.”

“I’m sorry,” he apologizes. “I didn’t mean to make light of it. Did you wanna ask me anything?”

“What do you think of us dating...eventually?”

“I’d look forward to it,” Levi says honestly. “But how do you feel about it?”

“That’s the thing…” she hesitates. “It’s so complicated right now. I hate that my feelings about...him...and what he did are like...in here...when I’m trying to think about you..”

“But it makes sense,” Levi nods.

“I know...but it sucks…” Mariana says. “I don’t want him infecting everything.”

“In fairness, though? You haven’t really had all the time in the world to process this. You kinda just started talking about it.”

“So, what?” Mari asks. “He gets to infect everything?”

“No… I just mean… Listen, my thing happened when I was eight years old. But I didn’t talk about it til last year. So it kinda...just started to feel real last year. And I dealt with all those feelings. I mean, you remember. It was bad.”

Mariana nods.

“The feelings...suck. A lot. But they have to come out,” Levi says. “This is not me pressuring you. I’m saying that them coming out now is healthy. It feels awful, but you’re doing the right things. Not keeping them in.”

“I just wanna be able to...I don’t know...enjoy you. Without it being...official…”

“Relationship wise?” Levi asks.

“Where you sign things,” Mariana clarifies, and Levi remembers the paper she showed him on Valentine’s Day.

“I don’t mind boundaries. In fact, I’d prefer them,” he says. “Feels safer than none.”

“Everything’s so much harder now…” Mariana sighs.

“I wish it wasn’t,” Levi says. 

They’re quiet a while, and eventually Levi feels it. The back of Mariana’s hand against the back of his own. They find each other, fingers fitting, lock to key.

“In case it isn’t clear or whatever...I am glad..” Mariana says seriously. “To be here. To see you.”

“I’m glad, too,” Levi says.

\--

Fran feels like she’s spent years looking out the window at the Wests cabin. She sighs.

“Mariana didn’t even tell me she was leaving,” Fran complains.

“Buddy, Mariana’s a grownup. She can go places without telling us,” Jesus says.

“I know that, Jesus, but she promised that we could do makeup today. I waited hours and hours for her to wake up, and then she just went with Levi right away.” Fran pouts. She feels bad about being mad at the Moana shirt she’s wearing a little.

“Hey, come here. You feeling left out?” Jesus asks.

“Yes,” she huffs. 

“Well, I know I’m not Mariana or Callie, but...you could show me about makeup,” he offers.

Francesca knows makeup’s not just for girls. She’s seen Jude wearing nail polish. Knows Stef doesn’t like it at all. But still, Jesus wanting to do makeup is a surprise.

“Do you want me to tell you about it? Or…?” Fran asks.

“I mean, I am kinda into art...I bet I could paint your nails or something, if you wanted. Do you have a color you want?”

“Three,” Fran says. “And stickers. Do you mind that nail polish stinks? It gives Mariana a headache.”

“Might be a good time to do it, then,” Jesus points out as Francesca lays out her pink, purple and teal nail polish and stickers. “I don’t mind the smell. Okay, here we go. What finger do you wanna start with? I’ll be careful,” he promises.

Fran picks teal. She bites her lip as Jesus paints her left thumb nail. “I...might have a secret crush…” she admits, quietly.

“Yeah?” Jesus asks, not even glancing up from what he’s doing. “That’s cool.”

“And it’s so hard keeping it inside. I wanted to tell you guys so many times, but I worried, like, what if Moms overhear…”

Jesus presses his lips together. “Yeah, they weren’t super great with our crushes…”

“They teased you,” Fran says, knowing. “Mariana said. You and her both.”

“Yeah, or we got in trouble,” Jesus adds. “But you’re not gonna get teased here, buddy. Or get in trouble. It’s normal to have crushes.”

“I really wanna tell you who, but I’m not sure if I should…” Fran admits. “Kids at school… They’re jerks.”

“Who?” Jesus asks, glancing sharply up at her. “Is this Michael again?”

“Yeah,” Fran admits. “She says she doesn’t care, but…” Fran falls silent, holding her breath.

“Buddy, it’s okay...if your secret crush is a girl…” Jesus ventures. “Callie’s been dating Ximena forever. Mom and Mama, obviously.”

“I know..,but…” Fran worries. “Some people…” she ventures carefully. “They’re very confident. It’s easy for them to be who they are...but it’s not like that for me. People already make fun of me for CP and for not having a dad...and like...they think I’m bad because I’m Black.”

Jesus just listens.

“I just don’t want this to be one more thing,” Fran sighs. “I love having a crush. I love how it feels when we see each other at school. When she smiles. Waves. Waits for me. But like...then kids started finding out. They call us names…”

“What do your teachers say?” Jesus wonders.

“Nothing. They don’t know. They always do it when no one’s around. Bella said--” Fran startles herself accidentally. She hadn’t meant to tell Jesus who it was. “She says...she’ll protect me...but I can’t do it back, Jesus.”

“Who says?” Jesus asks. “I heard what she said in that video. You help her by being around her. By being there for her.”

“But it’s not the same,” Fran insists. “I wanna protect her the way she protects me. Because I want her to know how much she means to me.”

“Francesca? Listen to me,” Jesus says and Fran knows it’s serious. “If kids are bullying you two, I need you to find somebody you trust and tell them about it. An adult. So we can help you deal with it. I don’t want you putting yourself in danger to prove yourself to Isabella. She already likes you.”

“I’m telling you,” Fran admits.

“And I’m proud of you for that. I’m proud of you for telling me. Do you have any proof? Of what they’re doing to you guys?”

“Bella gets the worst of it,” Fran says, but she shows him the class text thread where Michael and some other kids started teasing Bella and Fran. “For me, they mostly say that Moms made me gay. I hate that.”

“Well, that’s not cool, either. I’ll handle this for you, buddy. Thank you for telling me. And thanks for trusting me with your crush. I know that’s a big deal.”

“Will you have to tell? You know, office people or Lena or something? About me and Isabella?”

“I’m not gonna do anything right away… And I promise you, I’m gonna do my best to handle this in a way that protects both you and Isabella. You have the right to tell only who you want. There we go,” he says, sticking the last sticker on her nails. “What do you think?”

Fran beams. “I didn’t know you’d wanna do this with me. But please...don’t tell Moms about me and Bella…”

“I won’t,” Jesus nods.

“Okay,” Fran says, getting up. “I wanna go see if Pearl and Dominique are done napping yet.”

“Hold on. You can’t leave this stuff out or Roberta or Cleo...heck, even Dudley might decide the nail polish looks good.”

“Uh-oh,” Fran says, and sighs, dropping on her knees to clean up.

“Remember what we said about those stairs, buddy?” Jesus says, rodding at the staircase behind them, with the ginormous log handle, impossible for her to hang onto.

“Do I remember falling down them? Yeah, I do…” Fran remarks, angry.

“Hey, buddy. I’m sorry for bringing up a bad memory out of nowhere, I just...I don’t want you climbing up there unless we talk about a safe way to get down.”

“I don’t need to talk through everything, Jesus. I got it,” Fran says. She fights back a yawn.

“Or...we could nap?” he suggests.

“Where? You hate beds,” she points out.

Jesus nods at the couch. “Wanna crash with me?”

“Fine, but don’t talk about the stairs anymore. I hate that memory. We all try to be super careful of yours.”

“That is true. I’m sorry,” Jesus apologizes.

Fran curls up against Jesus’s front on the giant couch, and they fall asleep to the total quiet in the cabin.


	39. Sharing

When Dominique wakes up, it’s eerily quiet. 

She comes out on the landing, outside of the second-floor bedrooms, where Roberta always hangs out, and looks around. No sign of Mari or Levi. But if she cranes her neck, Dominique can definitely make out Jesus and Fran sleeping all cuddled together on the couch. His arm is around her.

“This is a pretty good place to hang out,” Dominique tells Roberta, from the little chair in the alcove. Roberta jumps up onto her lap, purring. “You have excellent taste.”

Dominique doesn’t touch any of the books on the shelf nearby, or the games, either. She sees an old CandyLand game - and it makes her remember her own childhood - before everything.

Finally, a door opens and Pearl steps out, squinting in the light. She yawns. “Hey. What’s going on?” she asks softly.

“Naps for everybody, I think…” Dominique gestures down at the couch. “Not sure about Mari and Levi.”

“Are they still next door?” Pearl asks.

“I think so, yeah,” Dominique confirms, soft.

“How are you doing? You know? With everything?” Pearl asks.

“Everything like everything?” Dominique wonders.

“Everything like surgery recovery,” Pearl clarifies. “And whatever else you want to share.”

“Well, there have been a couple of triggers since I’ve been here. Fran’s new makeup. Mariana wanting to pay Nia back for the cake with cash...but other than that…”

“Don’t want to talk about recovery?” Pearl asks.

“It’s just...hard?” Dominique admits. “To think about it, I hated when it was happening. I hated being without Mom. I hated all of it. But like...I can’t change it either. I already had the asshat surgeon all up in my business. I couldn’t control that. You know?”

“It sounds violating,” Pearl observes. “And vulnerable.”

“All that and more… And it’s just… I appreciate y’all checking in. I do. But some days I just… I wanna forget it even happened.”

“Like today?” Pearl asks.

“Yeah, pretty much. Hey, what about you? How are your backpack feelings?”

“They’re...around…” Pearl allows. “I love having more information about Dad, but I also loathe it. I wish I could just remember him the way Levi has. This single way. Unblemished.”

“But human beings aren’t unblemished,” Dominique points out. “We have faults.” She pauses. “But I definitely get how having more information about a person can complicate your feelings about someone - even change them.”

“And I think that’s what I’m afraid of…” Pearl admits. “I don’t want this knowledge to change how I feel about him. But I’m worried it already has.” She huffs out a sigh. “Plus, it’s April, and I detest April.”

“I know…” Dominique says, sympathetic. “Do you need anything specific?”

“I have no idea. I know it helped have all of you here last year. But I sincerely hope that I don’t fall apart at the seams again. I want to be able to have fun.”

“But having fun is hard,” Dominique comments, knowing. “Having fun means letting down your guard. And letting down ours has meant some dangerous things.”

“You can say that again,” Pearl nods. “Thank you for checking in. It means a lot.”

“Yeah. you, too. I appreciate knowing y’all care.”

\--

“So, enough about me,” Mariana insists. “How are you?”

“Mari, there’s no time limit,” Levi says. “You can talk about your stuff for as long as you want. As long as you need to.

“And you’re stalling…” Mariana points out. “Which...you don’t have to say anything you don’t want to. But I’m just saying. I notice.”

Levi sighs. “I’m just tired.”

“It’s okay if it’s more than that…” Mariana allows.

“But I don’t want it to be. I don’t feel like I have the right for it to be,” Levi says. “Like...how can I even  _ think _ I miss Dad when I kept Pearl from knowing him? She’s never gonna get that chance now, because of me. I had sixteen years with him. She had four. How fair is that?”

“It’s not. It’s not fair. But it’s also not your fault. Your mom-- I mean… Sorry.”

“Her mom?” Levi corrects, soft.

Mariana nods. “She lied about it to begin with. If she hadn’t, Pearl would have been able to see him. Maybe not as often as they wanted, but they would have had a connection. They didn’t have one because of her.”

“But...if they’d had one...I also wonder… Would Dad have met Mom? Would they have had me? If Dad and Pearl got away like he intended? Would I even exist?” Levi asks, hopeless. “Maybe I knew that. Or felt that. Maybe that’s why I kept Pearl from knowing the truth. Maybe I’m selfish….”

“Levi. You were a kid. All kids are selfish. But that doesn’t mean you were anymore selfish than the average kid in what you did,” Mariana maintains. “It’s fair to wonder things like that… Some of my siblings...they wonder things like that...about Jesus. Like, if he never went missing, would they have found a home?”

“That’s deep,” Levi observes.

“It is,” Mariana agrees. “And hard. And legitimate. Their feelings make sense. And so do yours.”

“I just… Mariana, I have always looked up to my dad. Since day one. I’ve always wanted to be just like him. But...now? All I can see are his mistakes. My mistakes. I see whatever’s in me that made her…” Levi trails off.

“I really get that,” Mariana sympathizes. “The feeling that there must be something bad in me. That made them pick me. Some...fatal flaw, I think it’s called? But… At the end of the day, she was the adult. And there’s no reason ever to hurt a child. Putting all the blame on ourselves takes it away from them. And I know it’s hard to put it on the people who hurt us, ourselves, because we feel...somehow...responsible? But...I know I really wanna pile some responsibility...accountability...whatever... on her. Because of what she did to you.”

“And I can definitely pile some blame on them on your behalf…” Levi says. “Because they definitely deserve it.” He pauses. “It’s just hard...when it’s you. When it’s personal. It’s so easy to believe everything they say.”

“What about what your mom said?” Mariana asks. “Didn’t you say that something happened that stopped your dad from getting you? Something legitimate?”

“He had an asthma attack, yeah…” Levi nods. “But what’s his reason for leaving Pearl?”

“I don’t know that…” Mariana admits. “But don’t you do the thing where you give people the benefit of the doubt? I know...like...people who die..they’re not automatic saints. But…you’re dealing with a lot. You don’t need to be questioning your dad’s character on top of it…”

“But...isn’t it? I don’t know… Doesn’t it make sense?” Levi presses. “Him being absent those times...they had a profound impact on my life...on Pearl’s. So, of course I’m gonna question that.”

“It totally makes sense. You have a right to your feelings. I just...I know he means a lot to you. And I know you still rely a lot on him, and your memory of him. I don’t want you to lose that...for any reason. I don’t want her to take him from you. She already took him from Pearl.”

“I still feel like I did that,” Levi admits.

“I know,” Mariana comments gently. “And if it were me, I’d definitely blame myself, too. I’m just saying, you don’t have to. And I don’t think you’re terrible.”

“Thanks,” Levi answers weakly.

\--

Jesus wakes up to a tapping on his hand. He’s confused, until he remembers he fell asleep on the couch with his arms locked around Fran.

“Jesus. I’m sorry for waking you up, but I really have to pee,” she says.

“Oh. My bad,” he says, releasing her. “Need a lift, or can you get there?”

“Lift,” she says. Her voice is tense, the way it is when she’s concentrating.

So, he picks her up and walks fast across the cabin, depositing her at the bathroom door. “There you go.”

Fran has no time to say anything, she just slams the door and does her thing. It’s not until she comes out she can talk to him again.

“Okay?” he asks.

“So, I was thinking…” she begins. Stopping, she whispers, “If you wanted to pick me up my usual way, I wouldn’t be mad. You know? The way you used to carry me when I was a baby?”

Jesus smiles a little. “I’d be happy to,” he says. “Tell me when you wanna get down,” he says, scooping her up and holding onto her so she’s facing out. One arm underneath her, the other across her torso so she doesn’t tip. “So...you were thinking?” he prompts.

“That I could maybe tell Kari, at school. You know, my choir teacher? She’s both of our teacher, actually. And we both like her. And so that could be like a safe adult we both trust. Then you wouldn’t have to get involved.”

“It’s not a problem if you need me to get involved, Fran. I’m always down to help you out,” Jesus offers.

“No, I know...but I kinda wanna handle this myself. And I did what you said. I talked to a safe adult. And now, I picked another safe adult from Anchor Beach. Kari’s so nice. She’s my favorite teacher. I always get an A in her class, too.”

“That’s good,” Jesus says. “I’m proud of you for thinking this through, and figuring out a plan that works for you. I just want you to remember...it’s not a bad thing to ask for backup if you need it.”

“I know,” Fran giggles. “I just asked you to carry me to the bathroom.”

“That was awesome,” Jesus nods.

“Am I too big for this?” Fran asks. “To be carried?”

“No way,” Jesus shakes his head, swaying her a little. “Twelve is still little. And I’ll carry you whenever you want, okay?”

“Promise?” Fran asks.

“Promise,” Jesus echoes.

“Sorry I was so crabby about the stairs. I just hate that memory of falling.”

“I know. I’m sorry for bringing it up out of nowhere. It’s just...you mentioned Pearl and Dom…” he glances up to the landing above them and nods a hello. “And I just...I didn’t want you to get hurt.”

“Inside? I still feel like… I don’t know…” Fran hedges.

“Yeah?” Jesus asks.

“Like, you blame me? Not  _ you, Jesus _ . But like… Whenever anybody talks about it, that feeling just comes back. Like I’m the actual worst. And I can’t climb stairs right.”

“Can I kiss you on the head?” Jesus asks.

Fran nods.

Jesus kisses her gently. “I don’t blame you at all, okay? Not one bit. But I’m sorry that my fear feels like blame.”

“You carried me around, just like this…” Fran says in a tiny voice. “After. Right?”

“I totally did,” Jesus says, smiling a little.

“I remember that,” Fran says, leaning into him. “You make a comfy chair. Not that you’re a chair. I know you’re a human.”

“I know, buddy. I’m happy to be your chair, anytime. And your human.”

“You’re always my human,” Fran says.


	40. Separate

“Guys,” Fran announces after lunch. (Pearl made them grilled cheese sandwiches and soup, but the soup was vegetable. Gross.) “I really miss Feelings Time the way we used to do it here. With all of us together. Levi, you said you don’t even have to work while we’re here…” She trails off. “So, yay…” 

“Do you wanna have Feelings Time now, buddy?” Jesus asks.

“Kind of, but only if everybody else does, too…” 

It’s pretty obvious the grownup Avoiders aren’t really liking the idea as much as Fran is. She misses when they were all “Avoiders unite!” and now they’re like, “Avoiders, separate.” It’s not as good.

They all come to the table and sit really quietly. It’s like how Fran used to feel at a table. All uncomfy and stuff. Since Fran is taking being twelve now super seriously, she turns to Jesus, sitting on one side of her. “Hug?” she asks.

“Sure, buddy. I’ll take a hug,” he says, so she does.

“Thank you for talking to me and painting my nails,” she says. “If you wanna whisper anything to me I won’t tell, because privacy.”

Fran listens close and tries not to giggle as Jesus’s breath tickles her ear:

“You know, it’s not your responsibility to check in with us?” Jesus asks, surprising her.

“I know,” Fran whispers back. “But nobody wants to talk to each other, Jesus, and that’s sad. I wanna help. And I am twelve now. That’s only six years away from being a safe person. I want to start practicing or training or whatever…”

“But,” Jesus invites her onto his lap, and Fran consents. It’s getting hard to stand here. “Kids learn by watching. And you do a lot of watching, just naturally in your everyday life. You don’t have to put in extra work on this, buddy. You have plenty of time. And I have no doubt that in six years, you’ll be a kickass safe adult.”

“Well thank you. But are  _ you _ okay? You were so nice to me and I didn’t even ask you if you were lonely earlier, when you asked if I was feeling left out by Mariana. She’s your twin. And maybe you were feeling left out, too…”

“I’m not lonely, buddy. I was with you,” he says. “Thank you, though, for asking.” 

Fran’s about to get down, when Jesus whispers, “How are you? Need any hugs or positive words?”

“Like every day of my life,” Fran exhales, still whispering.

“You are the coolest little sis ever. I’m so glad you’re in my family and more than that, it’s awesome you’re in The Avoiders. I’m so proud of you for how you’re growing up, Coming up with your own solutions, talking about your feelings. I know that used to be really tough for you. Maybe it still is. And I promise you, you don’t have to make sure we’re all okay. We’re taking care of you and making sure you’re safe, alright? Not vice versa.”

“Then what do I even do?” Fran asks. “It sounds like you guys get to do all the important stuff, and I just have to do nothing.”

“You can share with us about how you’re feeling. You can ask us questions. But it’s not on you to keep things okay or safe. We’ve got that, and we’ve got you.”

“But I can still give hugs, right? And check in? Because I wanna do that. I choose to,” Fran insists.

“Sure. You can do that,” Jesus says, and this time when she goes to slide off his lap, he doesn’t whisper anything else.

\--

Share. Ask questions. Give hugs. Check in, if she wants.

Fran stops by Mariana. She whispers experimentally, close to one of Mari’s ears, covered by her new pink headphones. “Did you have fun at Levi’s cabin?”

“Fran, we just talked....” Mari says.

“No, I know. Just...I’m checking in. Are you okay?” Fran insists.

“I’m...a lot of things,” Mariana admits soft. “I’m confused and tender...just whatever… I don’t wanna talk.”

“Do you want a hug?” Fran asks.

“Yeah, I’ll take a hug,” Mari agrees, and Fran wraps her arms around Mari.

“I’m kind of mad at you that you left to talk to Levi and didn’t do makeup with me like you promised,” Fran admits in a low voice.

“Fran...I said today sometime, not this morning. Right? Or like, ‘maybe tomorrow?’” Mariana asks, trying to recall.

“Yeah, but I’ve been up forever, and I was really excited to spend time with you.”

“Oh. I’m sorry,” Mariana apologizes. “That you were excited to spend time with me, and I left. I didn’t realize.”

“Because people do their makeup in the mornings, so they feel their best all day,” Fran points out.

“Okay. So, we’ll do makeup when we’re done with Feelings Time?” Mari asks.

“Yay!” Fran cheers.

\--

“So, are we doing Feelings Time or what?” Dominique asks, just as Fran stops by her chair.

“Hold on,” Fran says. “I’m doing a thing. Do you want a hug?” She regards grumpy Roberta on Dom’s lap. “Not you, Roberta. I don’t want you to scratch my face off.”

“I’ll make sure she doesn’t...and no thank you to the hug. But thank you for asking,” Dominique says.

Fran sidles closer to Dom. To whisper. “Why don’t you wanna talk to us? You just go take naps, and you’re all quiet...”

“I don’t know,” Dominique shrugs. “I guess it’s hard to open up to people again - even people I love - when it’s been a long time since I’ve seen them. And when a lot’s changed.”

Fran looks at her honestly. “Like surgery?” she asks, hushed. “I know. That really changes you, huh?”

“You found that, too?” Dominique asks, surprised.

“Yeah, it feels like a whole bunch of ‘ _ You don’t matter, you don’t matter, you don’t matter, you don’t matter. You’re wrong, you’re wrong, you’re wrong.’ _ Where they don’t even care if they hurt you. Where they’re supposed to hurt you. It hurt my humanness, I think. Did it do that to you?”

Dominique nods, blinking back tears. “Yeah, it did. I’m sorry surgery hurt your humanness, babe. I wish I’d been there to tell you….” (Here, Dom drops her voice to a really soft whisper, right in Fran’s ear,) ‘ _ You matter. You matter. You matter. You matter. You’re enough. You’re enough. You’re enough. I love you. I love you. I love you. _ ”

Fran swallows, and then figures, she’s around her people, and it’s okay. It makes Jesus proud when she feels her feelings, so she lets her tears come.

“I wish I was there for you, too. I tried, but they wouldn’t let me come…” Fran says.

“That’s how I felt. When it was you,” Mari interjects. “Sorry, I’m not spying just… I was twelve when you were born, Fran. And they didn’t let me see you right away. I really wanted to. I thought turning twelve would make a difference.”

Fran leans in and whispers to Dominique. “Don’t listen to the people who hurt you. Listen to me, because I know how it feels to have surgery. Sometimes… Well… it’s kinda like on  _ Frozen _ ? Where things get all out of control, and so Elsa hides from Anna? And then Anna eventually turns to ice? But love will thaw. Safe love, like we have. So, it’s okay to open up. Like, if you want to.”

“You are so damn smart,” Dominique comments, wiping her eyes,

“Some people are worth melting for,” Francesca says, just like Olaf.

“They are,” Dominique nods.

\--

“I’m sorry you couldn’t come to the hospital to see me when you were twelve,” Fran says to Mari. “But you did sometime, because there’s pictures.”

“I know...but I...wanted to be there the whole time for you. I hated...that you were alone. When I was in the hospital... I was a preemie like you. But I had Jesus.”

“You’re sad because I didn’t have a twin?” Fran checks.

“I guess, yeah. We wish everybody got a twin,” she says with a look at Jesus, who nods.

\--

“I hear you’re giving out free hugs,” Pearl calls. “If you’re comfortable, I’ll take one.”

Fran hurries over, but CP makes her run in slow motion. Pearl doesn’t mind. She just wraps her arms around Pearl tight. 

(Share. Ask questions. Give hugs. Check in, but it’s not required.)

“Are you okay?” she asks.

“I’m...sort of okay. I’m sort of a mess,” Pearl admits.

“Oh,” Fran says. “Well, that’s not so bad then! At least you’re not a whole mess.”

It makes Pearl laugh. “I love you, Francesca.”

“I love you, too,” Fran says, laughing, too.

\--

“I’d love a hug,” Levi says quietly when she offers.

Fran gives him one, but hopes he can’t feel all her feelings about it. 

“You okay?” he asks.

“I’m kinda mad Mari wanted to talk to you instead of spend time with me,” Fran admits, quiet. “I mean, we’re still friends, but… I don’t wanna lose Mari because she loves you more than me…”

“Well, I can promise you this. Mariana will never love me more than you. You two have a connection I’ll never have. And that’s a great thing. I’m sorry we left you out, though. Can you forgive me? Or are you not ready yet?”

“Are you gonna do it again?” Fran asks, bluntly.

“We’ll probably go talk one-on-one again, yeah,” Levi admits. “But we’ll make sure to remember that you wanna spend time with us, too. And especially with Mari. I know how important big sisters are. I’d never wanna get in the way of your relationship with yours.”

Fran nods. “Okay. Then I forgive you. I really am so glad you don’t have to go to work at all and see your trauma. Aren’t you?”

“More glad than you know, yeah,” Levi nods, blinking back tears.

“And what else?” Fran asks, seeing his sadness. 

“I miss my dad,” he says.

“Oh,” Fran says. “Because he’s your bestie and he’s not here anymore?”

“Right,” Levi nods.

“It’s okay to miss him. If we miss people, it just means we loved them a lot and we wish they were here,” Fran says.

“That’s really true,” Levi agrees. “Thanks, Fran.”

Finally, she goes and sits down in a chair.

She feels a lot better now, having private Feelings Time with everybody first.

Now, they look around at each other.

They take deep breaths.

Finally, they’re ready to talk.


	41. Ages

“So, I had a thought,” Dominique offers. “It’s just a suggestion,” she says meaningfully, looking around at the other Avoiders. “Nobody has to go along with it if they don't want to…”

“What is it?” Levi asks.

“Well, I was wondering, if, instead of checking in with each person...which can feel...kinda intense… We could just pose a general question and each take turns answering it or not?”

“That’s a good idea,” Pearl confirms. “Take the pressure off. Fran, you did a wonderful job already, adapting for everybody just now, too.”

Francesca smiles. “But wait. What question would it be?”

“Maybe...something like… How old do you feel right now?” Dominique says.

“Ooh,” Jesus says. 

“Shit,” Mariana nods. “That’s good.”

“Right?” Jesus answers.

“Wait. I don’t get it. Isn’t that question kinda obvious? I’m twelve. So I have to say I feel twelve, right?” Fran asks, confused.

“If someone asks, ‘How old are you?’ Dominique clarifies. “That’s a situation where you’d answer with your chronological age - your real age - sorry - big word alert.”

Fran smiles.

“But when someone asks, “How old do you feel?” That means you get to look inside yourself for clues. And decide based on your emotions how old you’re feeling.”

“I still don’t get it,” Fran says.

\--

Jesus leans over and whispers in Fran’s ear again for privacy. “Like after we woke up this afternoon, when you were gonna tell me about your idea about school...and you said if I wanted to pick you up and carry you that’d be cool. Because you were thinking about that time when you were four… That doesn’t mean you  _ were _ four. It just means your inner four-year-old is still dealing with that trauma.”

“So that little me wanted to be picked up and carried?” Fran asks.

“Maybe,” Jesus whispers. “It’s totally cool if you’re actual twelve-year-old self wanted that, too.”

“I like to whisper, too,” Fran says back, just like Buddy the Elf. (It’s an inside joke, whenever she does it, because his name is Buddy just like her nickname.)

“Does that make sense?” Jesus asks.

“Yeah,” Fran says back, at usual volume. “Thanks for the privacy.”

“No problem…” Jesus says.

All the rest of The Avoiders have been waiting patiently. No one’s impatient, but Jesus feels their eyes on him. For a split second, he feels his inner nine-year-old there. He decides to go with it. To trust them.

“I feel about nine,” Jesus volunteers. “Nine to thirteen, I guess. Just now, I had this hella strong urge to stand up. To post myself behind my chair and wait.”

“Do you wanna say more?” Pearl asks.

“It has to do with a specific aspect of my… Of being in LA…” he manages, with a meaningful look at Dominique. “Is that cool?”

“Any abuse?” she checks.

“Denial...of basic needs…” he admits.

“I can hear about it. I just appreciate the heads up.” Dominique nods. “If you still wanna share, that is.”

But Jesus doesn’t have a clue what to say next. He looks to Mari for help.

“You used to do that a lot when you came home. You wanna say why?” she asks. “Or...why little Jesus came up just now?”

“Because...maybe I felt watched?” Jesus guesses. “Feeling eyes on me...and being at a table...it brought that automatic part back. Like, this is what you do when this happens?”

“What do you do?” Fran asks.

“I used to have to make dinner...but just for Him. And serve it...just to Him. And then I had to stand behind my chair, totally still, and wait for Him to be done, so I could clean up. I wasn’t allowed to look at the food, touch the food, even look uncomfortable. So I just looked at the wall across the room. Level 1 dissociated, because He’d still wanna talk to me, so I had to be able to be aware of what He was saying…”

Jesus trails off as Mariana gets up and unzips her backpack in the other room. She comes back with a birthday cake flavored protein bar. He can tell by the sky blue wrapper that he glimpses in his peripheral vision.

“You can look at it, Jesus,” Fran says gently.

Under the table, Dudley presses his cold nose into Jesus’s hand.

“You can eat it, even,” Fran encourages.

“Yeah… I know… I know I can… It just...kinda feels like a lot of pressure. Can...someone else go...so I can get all the attention off me? So I can eat?” he asks.

“Do you want something to drink?” Pearl asks. She gets up and grabs him a bottle of water, and sets it beside the granola bar. “Sorry I didn’t wait, I just… I’m nervous. And I want you to know you have access to the basics.”

“Thank you,” he nods. “And thank you, Mari.”

“You don’t have to thank us,” Mariana pushes back.

It’s hearing that that has Jesus wondering if he’s not more than a little dissociated. More in automatic mode, where thanking was required.

“He used to make me to do that…” Jesus remembers. “Thank Him.”

“I was getting that sense,” Pearl confirms.

“So did they, Jesus…” Mariana reminds.

He blinks, feeling more here. More aware. “What?” he asks.

“When they’d make dinner. They expected us to say thank you,” Mariana says.

“Stef and Lena?” Levi guesses.

Mariana nods.

“Why?” Fran asks. “That’s weird.”

“Because...they just...expected it, too. They expected it to be something we said,” Mariana remembers. “Like, if I didn’t wanna eat something...or didn’t like something… There was a whole guilt trip about how cooking dinner is a lot of work, and it hurts people’s feelings when we say we don’t like it.”

“How old were you guys?” Dominique wonders.

“Five…” Mariana says. “By the time we started fourth grade? It was really automatic to just thank them. For lunch. For dinner. For breakfast. Whatever. It kinda…fell off when…” Mariana trails off with an apologetic look at Jesus.

By now, he’s managed to open the protein bar and take a few bites with Dudley prodding him. It helps that He never had vegan options There.

“By the time I came back...they didn’t make it a thing anymore...because I tried to thank them, and they insisted I didn’t have to. Like it was a thing I just picked up from LA. It’s why I’ve always thought that was the case,” Jesus realizes.

“So… Mariana… Would you say you feel about five?” Dominique asks.

Mariana shrugs and nods. “Maybe. But I wish I didn’t.”

“Why?” Pearl asks.

“Because I was annoying. I always wanted attention. I made everything about me.”

“Because you were a literal child,” Pearl points out gently. “I’ve been doing some of my own reading. The Instagram trauma recovery hashtag is a gold mine. And...one of the things I saw...says that children aren’t attention-seeking. They’re  _ connection _ -seeking.”

“What’s the difference?” Mariana asks.

“There was something you weren’t getting,” Levi elaborates. “You needed to connect with someone. You needed...I don’t know. Love? Validation? Safety? Any of a million things kids need, probably. It didn’t make you bad. It just made you a kid.”

“Attention-seeking is a very one-dimensional term,” Dominique ventures. “Or it’s...said in a certain tone of voice. As if needing attention, seeking out what you need, is somehow wrong. But it’s not.”

“Because even safe adults probably still need attention?” Fran adds.

“Right,” Dominique says. “You wanna say anything else about feeling five? Or...about having to thank Stef and Lena for basic needs?”

“I just...wanted you to know…that’s where it started…” Mariana says, with a meaningful look at Jesus. 

“Yeah, they totally gaslit me out of that…” Jesus says shaking his head. He glances down to see that the birthday cake bar is gone, and there are crumbs in its place.

Mari reaches down beside her chair, where her bag is now, and takes out the entire stash of protein bars. She gestures at them, so he knows he can pick.

Jesus chooses a mint chocolate one, thinking of Junior Mints.

“Gaslit,” Fran giggles. “Sounds funny.”

“It does,” Pearl nods. “But it means they played mind games with Jesus and Mariana, to convince them something didn’t happen. They convinced Jesus they didn’t require him to thank them for food when he was little. That it was just something he learned being in LA.”

“So they made him believe a lie. Both of you?” Fran asks. “That’s so mean. Is that kinda what they did with me about Timothy? Saying don’t bring it up?”

“That’s definitely abusive,” Pearl says. “But it’s a little different than gaslighting.”

“When we try to bring up something we know happened and they say they don’t remember that, or they never did that,” Mariana clarifies. “Usually something bad they did they don’t want us to talk about or remember.”

“Oh,” Fran says. “I hate that they did that to you guys. And maybe to me, too.”

“Did you say everything you wanted to, Mari?” Levi checks.

“I didn’t even wanna say that much. I don’t like thinking about the past. I always got in trouble for the exact same things they kinda ended up catering to you for,” she says, looking at Jesus apologetically.

“Like what?” Jesus asks.

“Like food stuff. When you were gone? They’d find wrappers in my room, and I’d get in trouble. But like, it was funny, or a cry for help when Stef found a bag of chips zipped into one of your beanbags. A petrified McDonald’s cheeseburger in some kind of alcove in the table...or a package of cookies in your room.”

“I’m sorry…” Jesus apologizes. “The double-standard seriously sucks.”

“Why’d you hide food? Were you scared they’d take it?” Fran asks.

“We just always like knowing it’s there. We were hungry as kids. So it...matters that we can have access to it…” Mariana says.

“Pretty much,” Jesus answers. “And I hated fast food. Which is why I hid the cheeseburger…” 

“We won’t get you any,” Fran says. “We promise, buddy. Only food you like.”

“Thanks, buddy,” Jesus answers, breathing a sigh of relief.

He takes a bite of the second protein bar and feels a little better.


	42. Little

“Mari…” Dominique starts. “Do you wanna say anything else about feeling five?”

Having five be her only option feels...inaccurate. Jesus got to feel a range of ages. But she guesses that five is as good a place to start as any. (Even though she’d rather not start at all…)

“Like what?” Mariana asks, feeling so uncomfortable. She hates feeling young. It’s disorienting. She feels small. And powerless. 

“Like...what you might need?” Levi asks. 

“I don’t need anything,” Mari denies.

“Sometimes needing things is scary,” Jesus nods. “But it’s safe to need things here. If you wanna tell us.”

“What are you thinking of? Specifically? About being five?” Pearl asks. 

“I already said,” Mariana points out. (Seriously, did Pearl miss the entire memory she just shared?)

“Most of that was about Jesus,” Pearl points out gently. “What about you, though? What do you remember?”

“I don’t know,” Mari says, an old place-filler. She does know...but God it hurts to admit it.

“What’s hurting you?” Levi asks. “If you can say? Or want to?”

“When we first came… I hugged Lena… I, like, latched onto her. Climbed her. And she was just like, ‘No…’”

“She said no when you tried to hug her?” Fran asks, incensed. “That’s so rude...and it hurt your feelings, I bet…”

Mari nods. “She didn’t... _ say _ no. But she... _ felt _ …”

“How?” Jesus wonders. And Mariana’s pretty sure this memory’s lost to him, too. Along with a lot of the other early childhood ones she still has...but struggles to find the words to articulate.

“We’re with you,” Levi reassures. “Wanna keep going?”

Mariana nods at her lap.

“So, you hugged Lena…” Levi begins.

“And she felt like ‘no…’ Fran fills in.

Mariana nods. “Basically.”

“How do you mean?” Dominique asks.

“I think I’m familiar with exactly how,” Pearl offers. “Was she...shut down around you? Not warm?”

“Right…” Mariana confirms. “Like she didn’t want me near her. And I get that I was just some strange little girl that...she didn’t know...but…”

“But you needed comfort,” Levi points out, sad. “What did she do?”

“She, like, peeled me off her and sat me in a chair and talked about how we need to work up to hugs. How we don’t hug strangers,” Mariana remembers.

“That’s such a blatant rejection,” Pearl points out. “After you’d already been rejected multiple times… I’m so sorry that happened.”

Mariana nods.

“ _ We don’t hug strangers _ …” Jesus mutters. But we were gonna _ live _ there,” Jesus points out. “At least temporarily. Did they just...expect to feed and clothe us?” His question is clearly rhetorical.

“And they’d just told us how safe we’d be....” Mariana points out. “There were no men… Just B...and he was like...seven. So, I thought it  _ was _ ...safe.”

“She shouldn’t have pushed you away like that…” Fran says. “If you need a hug from us, we won’t push you away, will we?” she asks the table at large.

They all promise they won’t.

Mariana’s face feels like fire. This is so embarrassing.

“You know? Contrary to what Lena did? What she said to you? Needing hugs isn’t bad,” Dominique reassures. “If you needed one now, that’d be okay.”

Mariana shrugs.

“A shrug means ‘I don’t know,’ or ‘I’m too embarrassed to say yes,’ maybe…” Fran observes. “‘...But maybe I really need one?’ Right, Mari?”

She nods.

And Fran climbs into her lap for a second hug, arms around Mari’s neck, head on her shoulder. “She should’ve hugged you just like this, all deep and warm and good. Because that’s the kind of hugs kids need. I know, because I still  _ am _ a kid…”

Mari nods, and some tears fall, embarrassing her even more. She feels like bolting. Like getting the hell out of here, but instead she’s rooted to the spot with seventy pounds of Fran on her lap.

Her hug is sweet and innocent. Her knees dig into Mari’s thighs.

When Fran’s finally done, Dominique opens her arms, and Mariana’s shocked. Accepting her friend’s embrace. It’s calm and warm and grounding. It slows Mari’s heartbeat.

And then, Pearl.

The Pearl hug fills something inside Mari. She doesn’t know what it is, but maybe it’s like Jesus pointed out (at least she thinks it was Jesus) how Pearl and Ana are the same age. So, a hug from Pearl does feel a little like a mom hug might. Or maybe should. Because this doesn’t feel unsafe.

“The reason I’m not offering is what you said about safety...and men…” Levi explains. “I don’t wanna upset tiny little you.”

“Me neither. You know, ‘cause I’m a lot bigger now…” Jesus offers.

Mariana nods, understanding. “Okay, but someone else go, please.”

“But are you okay?” Fran presses.

“No,’ Mariana admits. “But I’m a little better…”

\--

“Fran? Do you wanna share how old you feel?” Dominique asks.

“I still feel twelve. Because I  _ am _ twelve,” she says, feeling a little defensive.

“You don’t have to say anything if you’re not ready,” Jesus says. “But we definitely want you to feel like you can share. Wanna share anything about being twelve?”

“It’s...more important?” Fran guesses. “Like...I’m a real preteen. I have more responsibility.”

“How do you mean that?” Pearl asks.

“Like...I’m closer to you guys’ age. So I can act more mature and be there for you guys the way you are for me.”

“Did someone tell you that?” Mari asks.

“No,” Fran says. “I just decided. Also, I don’t wanna say how old I really feel...I already kinda talked about it and I don’t wanna say anymore because...I just don’t…”

“I really understand that feeling,” Mariana says. “I didn’t wanna share, either.”

“Oh, shit. Mari. We didn’t mean to pressure you,” Dominique apologizes. 

“I don’t know…” Mari answers.

“Maybe it still felt like pressure?” Levi asks.

She nods. “And you picked my age,” Mari points out. “It’s not… I didn’t… You got a range,” Mari says nodding at Jesus.

“I got a range?” he asks.

“Of ages,” Mariana points out. “I just had to pick one.”

“I’m sorry,” Dominique apologizes again. “I shouldn’t have assumed. Should have given you more choices. To share or not. To feel any age you feel - or ages.”

“I know you didn’t do it on purpose,” Mariana admits. “It just sucks.”

“Because Moms do it,” Fran points out.

“Well, I definitely don’t wanna be like them,” Dominique says, sure. She looks Mariana in the eye. “It was my mistake. And I’m so sorry I pressured you into talking and assumed what you meant.”

“Thanks,” Mariana says.

“Wow,” Fran observes. “That was, like, a  _ really _ good apology,” she gushes. 

“You think?” Jesus asks.

“Yeah, because, like, everybody got their turn. Nobody got mad and yelled. Dominique is listening. Mariana can share her feelings. Perfect,” Fran pronounces. “Do you feel like it was, Mari?”

“Better than Moms, that’s for sure…” she says.

“That’s a low bar. You’re feeling good about something real basic,” Dominique points out. “But I also know how it feels to get basics after a long time without. So, it makes sense. And I’ll keep...improving…”

“Did you wanna say anymore about feeling twelve, Fran? You said nobody told you you had to be more responsible, you just decided?” Levi asks. “And that you didn’t wanna share about your feeling-age?”

“I  _ did _ just decide that about being twelve,” Fran says, crossing her arms. She doesn’t know why she feels kind of mad at all of them. It’s like her feelings are all over the place.

“Are you alright, babe?” Dominique asks. “Is something bothering you?”

“My feelings are, like…” Fran tries to explain. “Everything’s annoying me. Which doesn’t even make sense at all, because I love Feelings Time.”

“But feeling annoyed isn’t a great feeling,” Pearl points out. “So that part does make sense.”

“I just don’t want it to be my turn anymore,” Fran decides, putting her head down in her arms. “I feel like I have to share something really deep and say my real feelings, and I don’t even want to do that.”

“I can share,” Pearl offers. “Is that okay?”

“That’s amazing…” Fran says into her arms.

\--

“Okay, Pearl,” Levi asks. “How old do you feel?”

“I feel… Gosh, you guys, this is really tough. I have the most ages to pick from.”

“Because you’re the most ancient,” Fran grins, peeking at her.

“That’s right, and someday, you’ll be my age, and you won’t think it’s so ancient. But...in all seriousness...I think I do feel around four. Which is so hideously vulnerable. But...I do.”

“Because of the backpack feeling?” Fran asks.

“Right,” Pearl nods. “And knowing what I know now...that kind of enhances the feeling.”

“How?” Mariana wonders.

“It...makes it stronger, I guess? But I’m not sure how? Having more context...it like...makes me feel more vulnerable. I don’t know how to describe it.”

“I don’t like to watch  _ Tangled _ anymore…” Fran volunteers.

“Buddy, it’s Pearl’s turn right now…” Jesus interjects softly.

“It’s alright,” Pearl reassures. “Why don’t you like to watch  _ Tangled  _ anymore?”

Fran throws a dirty look to Jesus before continuing. “Because...it was the whole reason...and I’m feeling the same age as you are, PS.”

“You’re feeling four, too?” Pearl asks. “That helps me so much to know that. Thank you for telling me.”

“Do you want me to tell you more?” Fran asks.

“Only if you want to. Like, a lot,” Pearl clarifies.

“Well, it was the whole reason...I fell down those stairs…” Fran gestures behind her. “I was trying to hurry, so I didn’t miss the first song, but it was already playing, and I was trying to hurry to get down for it...and I just...fell…”

“I can see why you wouldn’t want to watch it anymore,” Pearl says, sympathetic.

“Because you don’t like backpacks anymore?” Fran asks.

“Hmm,” Peal thinks about this. “I don’t know. I’m not sure I dislike them. But certain ones do remind me.”

“Do you wanna share anything else?” Levi asks Pearl.

“Well… It’s got me thinking a lot more about…” she nods meaningfully, apologetic.

“Carla,” Levi fills in. “It’s fine. You can mention her, Pearl.”

“How she did the thing to you? The scary thing that made your dad leave?” Fran asks.

“Right,” Pearl says.

“And you feel scared inside maybe…” Fran offers.

“Yes,” Pearl realizes. “I think you’re right. But back then, I wasn’t allowed to have feelings around her. Or express them. I had to only share her feelings. Otherwise, she got very angry with me.”

“I really know that feeling,” Fran sympathizes.

“Me, too,” Jesus adds.

“Mm-hmm,” Mariana confirms.

“Yup,” Dominique adds.

Pearl looks at Levi, who shakes his head. “I don’t. I’m sorry.”

For some reason, this strikes Pearl as funny. A slow smile spreads over her face. 

Levi starts to smile, too, unsure. “What?”

“You’re just so refreshingly honest,” Pearl says. “I love it.”

“I mean...I’m just me…” Levi manages, in breaths between laughter. By now, everyone has joined in.

“We’re not laughing at you,” Jesus reassures.

“No, I know,” Levi says.

They laugh for a moment, and then Pearl turns to Levi. “What about you?”


	43. Navigating

Levi hesitates. 

“I don’t even know. How do you figure something like that out? Is it just...using memories as context clues? And what I’m remembering decides my feeling-age?”

“I think…” Dominique corrects, gentle. “How you  _ feel _ decides it. If you’ve got a feeling that you first felt at a certain age. It might still make you feel that age.”

Levi looks at Fran who shrugs. “I’m confused,” he says.

“Me, too.” Fran says.

“Like...I thought I got the concept, until it was my turn...and now it’s just…” he shrugs again.

“Well, what about what you said earlier to me in private?” Fran asks. “Did you feel an age then?”

Levi thinks back. Missing Dad’s a new feeling. From the last couple years. Does that mean he feels sixteen? Seventeen?

Just then, a sound catches Levi’s attention. A ragged dragging-in of air that can only mean one thing. Levi registers that it’s Fran, choking on water. But it feels like dread in his bones. It feels like freezing. Like how it felt the very first time Levi ever had to call 9-1-1.

Pearl’s come over and is patting Fran on the back. The others are talking. Levi’s struggling to take a breath. He might die here. If he can’t get Dad help, he might die.

Levi can’t breathe. 

Levi might die.

He can’t move, except for his eyes. Levi looks and looks and looks for the phone, but there’s no phone. There’s no phone, and he still can’t breathe, and Fran’s still coughing.

“Levi…” Mariana asks.

He fumbles in his pocket, knocking his phone out, onto the floor. It breaks there.

And then Levi’s down with it.

Distantly, he hears Fran announce that she has to go to the bathroom.

Times like this, Levi hates that his panic is slight. That it’s subtle. That it’s stillness. It’s a blank stare. And all his words dammed up at the base of his throat. That he shakes in a way that makes him feel like his skin has a hum. A vibration only he can feel.

He can’t fix this. His phone is in too many pieces, and this panic is short-circuiting his brain.

“Levi…” Mariana repeats. “I’m here.”

He blinks. And she is. She’s kneeling on the floor with him, offering her hands. They hover in the air around his face.

He nods.

She gently holds on, his face cupped between her hands. He leans to one side - into her - he still can’t get his breath, but he doesn’t even know if she can tell. His heart’s pounding.

He’s dizzy.

“He can’t… He can’t…” Levi manages.

“I’m right here,” Mariana says. “He can’t what?”

“Breathe… Breathe...and he might die...and I don’t know what to do, and the phone’s busted and he’s gonna die…” Levi insists, his words coming thin and fast.

“Hey. Listen to me. It’s Mariana,” Mari says gently. “Can you see me?”

“Yes,” Levi gasps.

“Good. He’s okay,” Mariana reassures. 

“He’s okay?” Levi asks, still not convinced.

He’s okay,” Mariana repeats.

They stay like that, on the floor. 

Levi can’t hear anything but Mariana, barely audible, over the sound of his own panic.

\--

Fran’s pretty sure that drinking that water was a bad idea. She knows The Avoiders won’t care if she needs to change clothes...for reasons...but she’ll care. She hates feeling like a baby. Especially now that she’s twelve.

But when she sees it, her whole body jumps. She was sure it was just pee...but it’s not. And she was sure this would feel different somehow. Like she would know. Like, this is how it feels to pee a little accidentally. But  _ this _ is how it feels to have your period.

She never thought they’d be the exact same.

Once she’s stopped peeing, she tries to think about what to do. There’s blood in her underwear and a little on her pants. She hopes there isn’t any on the chair. Hopes none of The Avoiders saw a big embarrassing stain.

She’s stuck here.

She doesn’t have anything.

And Fran doesn’t know who to talk to...except…

She video chats Bella, who’s on vacation in Florida. Fran doesn’t know if she even brought her phone or if she’s allowed to take calls long-distance. She hopes so.

“Hey!” Bella answers with the brightest smile. It falls off her face right away. “What is it?”

“Where are you?” Fran asks. “Is your dad or any boys around?”

Isabella checks. “No. I’m just on the beach, but no boys are around me. Hold on.” 

Fran waits as Bella walks a while, and watches as the scenery changes from outside to inside. As a door closes.

“There. I’m all by myself in my room,” Bella says. “What’s up?”

“I just…” Fran manages. Her eyes well up with tears. “I got my period.”

“Oh…” Bella says, like she gets this totally, which she does. She already got hers. “And you’re not okay.”

“No…” Fran cries quietly. “I don’t have anything… And I don’t wanna get in trouble for taking anybody else’s stuff. And it’s all giant-sized anyway, I bet! And I  _ hate _ tampons…” 

“Where are The Avoiders?” Bella asks.

“In the kitchen…” Fran sniffs. “I’m way in the bathroom that’s in our room…”

“Okay…” Isabella thinks. “You probably need new everything, right? I did, my first time. And even a couple other times…”

“Yeah,” Fran nods miserably. “I didn’t think this would happen. I didn’t think it would come on vacation…”

“I know,” Isabella nods. “It’s okay. You could text Mariana. She’ll help, I bet,” Isabella encourages.

“No, she’s…” Fran trails off, knowing she can’t talk about Levi’s business or that all The Avoiders are busy figuring out how old they feel. “Busy. They’re all busy.”

“But they’re not too busy for you,” Bella reminds. “Just text her. Please? I’ll stay right here.”

\--

**Fran:**

_ Backup. Our bathroom. Please. 2:25 PM _

\--

Dominique, Pearl and Jesus have moved up to the landing to give Mariana and Levi some privacy below. Roberta’s here, too, presiding, and giving Cleo and Dudley the stink eye.

“Would anybody mind if I...like...really leaned into this?” Dominique asks.

“What do you mean?” Jesus asks.

“I mean...I’m pretty in touch with the inner children…” Dominique admits. “I’ve got one, in particular, who really…she protected me while I was gone. And I think she’s kinda been...hanging out at the edges lately...what with surgery and all…”

“As long as boundaries are still a thing,” Jesus says. “And like...she gets that you’ve got her...not the other way around…”

Pearl cocks her head.

“I had a protective self, too, but being him meant I had to disappear. I had to become whatever He wanted me to be. I was a mirror for Him. Just...don’t let your grown-up self disappear…” Jesus tries.

“Right. I won’t…” Dominique nods. “Okay.”

“So… How old are you feeling right now?” Pearl asks.

“Eleven…” Dominique shares.

“Ah. How’s it feel being eleven?” Pearl wonders.

“Boring,” she says. “Too much waiting around, doing nothing. Sometimes, I get to watch TV. I see you,” her gaze flickers to Jesus.

“Okay,” he answers. “My moms? Or?”

“Sometimes, the white cop… Mostly her,” Dominique nods, confirming. She remembers seeing Stef on TV, years before she ever met her. “They hold your picture.”

“Dominique…” Pearl ventures and Dom bristles. “Did  _ your _ parents....? Did you ever see them?”

“Stupid ass…” Dominique mutters. 

“Pardon?” Pearl asks, startled.

“She said she’s feeling her protective self...from when she was gone…” Jesus explains. “Mine… For me...that meant I went by another name. So maybe, don’t call her by her given name right now?”

“That ain’t my given name,” Dominique insists, feeling Amber, all through every inch of her.

\--

Mariana finally glances at her phone screen and sees the text.

She raises a hand, from where she’s crouched on the floor near Levi. Just like she hopes, Jesus comes to the railing above them and glances over.

“What’s up?” he asks.

“Can you come down?” Mariana asks.

“Yeah,” he says and goes to her.

Levi’s clinging to her hands. They’re still on either side of his face. She barely managed to get one away to signal Jesus.

“Don’t. Don’t. I can’t…” Levi manages.

“It’s gonna be okay,” Mariana promises. “Fran needs me right now. So, Jesus is gonna be here with you. He’ll help you.”

“Hey… Brovoider,” Jesus says, crouching in front of Levi. “What’s up? What can I do?”

“Nothing…” Levi manages, quiet. And without warning, he gets up, and bolts out of the cabin.

\--

It takes a million years for Mari to get to the bathroom.

She’s hung out with Bella for as long as she can without it feeling weird, which, it kind of does, because girlfriends don’t really hang out in bathrooms together like this.

“How’s your vacation?” Bella asks. “Did you like your birthday video?”

“Yeah, especially yours,” Fran says, her face growing warm. “P.S. I kinda told Jesus about Michael and Alex…” she waits. “Are you mad?”

“No,” Isabella says eventually. “I figured you would. Or I was hoping, I guess. Not everybody has cool big brothers who help them out like you.”

“No, but your parents might…” Fran points out.

“Yeah, but I don’t wanna bother them. They have enough going on,” Bella points out. “What did Jesus say?”

“We just kinda talked it through, and then he listened when I said that we could maybe talk to Kari and tell her it’s happening? That way Lena won’t have to get involved.”

“Yeah. I like that idea,” Bella says.

Fran really wants to say, “I really like you,” but because she’s in the bathroom she can’t, without it being really awkward.

Just then, Mari knocks on the door. 

“I gotta go. Thanks, Bella,” Fran says.

“Text me later,” Bella says. “Let me know you’re okay.”

“I will,” Fran promises.


	44. Helping

“Fran?” Mari asks from outside the bathroom door. “You okay?”

“Come in,” Fran urges, and Mari’s concerned, but she does. 

“What?” Mari asks. Then, she sees Fran’s tears. “Oh no. What’s wrong?”

“I got my period,” Fran whispers, ashamed.

“Oh…” Mari says, understanding. 

“And everything’s ruined and I got like three new shirts and zero new pants and zero new underwear…” Fran cries.

“It’s okay,’ Mariana reassures. “You’re not in trouble. I can wash it.”

“Seriously?” Fran asks, wiping her eyes.

“Seriously. It’s no big deal,” Mariana reassures.

“But Jesus hates laundry…” Fran remembers.

“But I can give him a heads up. He can go hang out next door or something. He gets that people need clean clothes. Here, let me… I’ll be right back.”

Mariana pulls out her suitcase and reaches to the inside pocket which she’s had stuffed with all the feminine products ever, because you just never knew. She’s been prepared for Fran to have this day for the last year or so, and it’s just always been instinct to be sure she packs her little sis extras of whatever she might need. 

Mariana walks back to the bathroom door and knocks again. “It’s me.”

“Come in,” Fran says.

“So...I got these for you… They’re for teens, and they’re your size,” Mari holds out the box of sunset-wrapped pads.

“How did you know I would need these on vacation?” Fran wonders, confused.

“I didn’t… But you know how you always adapt and carry what you need with you?”

Fran nods.

“I do that, too...for you… I think ahead. For you. So, when I pack this stuff for me, I do it for you, too. Just because it’s always good to be prepared. So… change out of that,” she gestures. “When you’re ready. I got you dark pants...and then you can make sure your shirt’s hanging loose. So it’s an extra layer.”

“You’re so smart…” Fran sighs. “I’m never gonna learn this.”

“You will. It’s overwhelming right now...because everything is...with your period. And because it’s new. I can leave…” Mari says.

“Wait. I don’t know anything about these!” Fran exclaims, holding out the pad. So, Mariana talks her through the ins and outs. She rinses Fran’s clothes in cold water. She texts Jesus about laundry happening here, and then she sits down with Fran in the bedroom.

She knows they have to keep talking.

\--

“Levi!” Jesus calls, running after his friend. He has no idea what’s going through his head - has never seen him run - but he’s hella fast.

The thing is? So is Jesus. He closes the distance between them and swings around in a big arc, so Levi won’t feel boxed in. 

“Dudley, speak?” Jesus says.

Beside him, Dudley woofs, low, quiet, almost concerned.

Levi’s eyes, still darting and desperate, focus a little.

“Dudley, speak?” Jesus says again.

Again, Dudley woofs gently. Almost conversationally.

Slowly, Levi approaches Dudley, who’s at Jesus’s side. He’s quiet. Watchful. His breathing’s fast. Shallow.

“I think Dudley wants to go visit Panther,” Jesus says, thinking on his feet. “Is that cool?”

Levi nods and cautiously walks to his cabin. He opens the door to let them in.

Jesus watches as Levi takes in the space like he’s never seen it before. 

Panther bounds up to them.

And Jesus is sure he must be imagining it when Levi takes in the dog and asks, “Panther, where’s… Where’s Dad?”

Panther whines.

Jesus feels like he just sped down the biggest drop on a roller coaster. His heart’s down somewhere around his feet. Where the hell is Levi right now? What’s he reliving?

Speaking of Levi, his eyes light on the landline. He lunges toward it, knocking it off the stand and to the floor where it clatters.

“What are you trying to do? Maybe I can help?” Jesus offers.

But by now, Levi’s crouched on the floor again. The back’s snapped off the phone. Batteries are hanging out. The sight makes Jesus anxious.

“He needs… I need to… I can’t…” Levi tries, gasping.

“Okay. Can I hug you?” Jesus asks, crouched, too.

Levi looks startled. “Yes?” he says, but it’s like a question.

“It’s Jesus,” Jesus tries again. “Can I hug you?”

Levi nods, cautious.

“Wanna stand up?” Jesus asks.

So Levi does, and Jesus lets him take the lead.

Finally, after one more check, and one more consent, Jesus’s arms are around Levi, tight. “It’s Jesus. It’s alright. You’re safe. At the cabin. With all The Avoiders. Well, just me right now. But we’ve got you.”

\--

Levi surprises himself when he pushes Jesus away. “Just stop. Please. You don’t even know what’s going on. I don’t...want reassurance...not if you don’t know. It’s...meaningless.”

“Okay,” Jesus says. He waits for Levi to find a place to settle. When he picks the couch, Jesus raises an eyebrow, asking to join.

Levi pats the space beside him.

Jesus sits, too. They’re quiet a while.

“What’s going on, if you wanna say?” Jesus asks. “What had you so freaked out?”

“My dad… The first time I had to call 9-1-1 for him. He was having a panic attack…” Levi draws in a deep breath. “...That turned into an asthma attack. My mom was at work.”

“How old were you?” Jesus asks.

“Six?” Levi asks. “I think? I think I was six… I called...and told them everything I’d been taught to. My parents...they’d coached me, what to say, if this situation ever came up...so I said everything. Perfectly. But the dispatcher thought… He asked my age and I told him...and I think...he thought I was messing around? The dispatcher...yelled at me for playing on the phone. Took my dad picking up the extension and trying to talk for him to believe…to send somebody.”

“Shit,” Jesus breathes. “I’m so sorry.”

“I just...heard Fran choke, and it brought it all back...but then the phones keep breaking…” Levi wells up with tears again. “It’s not that I don’t appreciate you reassuring me. I do,” Levi manages. “But I wanna  _ feel seen _ . And I don’t. None of y’all get what this is like. Not even Pearl.”

“That must suck,” Jesus offers.

“It does. I just wanna feel like my experience makes sense,” Levi sniffs. “Like it’s valid.”

“Well, it sure as hell wasn’t fair for that 9-1-1 dispatcher to assume you were pranking them… They should take kids seriously. But I know that’s not always the case…” Jesus ventures.

“How do you mean?” Levi asks.

“Well...when I was in seventh grade, some asshole pulled the fire alarm, and so everybody has to respond in that situation. I parked myself right in the way of one of the cruisers. Made sure my hair was out of my face and just stood there, but they just…” Jesus shrugs.

“You were doing everything you could...and nobody took you seriously…” Levi surmises.

“Basically,” Jesus nods.

His phone buzzes with a text.

“What?” Levi asks.

“Nothing. Mari’s just...she’s letting me know they’re doing laundry over there. It’s a trigger. You think we could hang out here for a bit?” Jesus asks.

“I think,” Levi nods. He leans forward and nuzzles Panther.

\--

Pearl breathes and tries to think of how to handle this. What with Dominique feeling eleven, and kidnapped, at that, name-calling is likely the least of her worries. 

But Pearl also knows that the reason The Avoiders work as a friendship is that they respect each other.

“We don’t use mean words here. That’s not safe.” Pearl ventures. She has no idea how Dom’s inner child will take this.

“Well, you’re trying to get me killed. That's not very safe,” Dominique says back, in a way that Pearl somehow recognizes as both fully Dominique and not at all like her.

“Oh… I’m… That’s my mistake…” Pearl manages. “I’m so sorry. You’re right, that wasn’t safe of me.”

Dominique regards her, quiet. “You apologize to me? No grownups apologize to me…”

Pearl keeps talking, encouraged. “Yes, I bet they don’t. But safe adults do. I’m a safe adult. And you are safe here. That’s why there’s no cause to use mean words,” Pearl explains, feeling more than a little uneasy.

“So what should I do then?” Dominique asks, seeming chastened.

“With safe people, when we hurt each other? We apologize. That’s why I said I’m sorry to you earlier in this conversation.” Pearl says, erring on the side of extreme clarity.

“I’m sorry,” Dominique says, and a moment later, she’s here again. “I am sorry, Pearl. I should’ve given you a heads up about...my name being a sensitive topic… I shouldn’t have said what I did, and I’m sorry.”

“Thank you,” Pearl manages. “Um…” she ventures, a little uncomfortable. “Is it strange for me to say I’m honored? To have met your protector? I get the feeling not many have.”

“No,” Dominique shakes her head. “And once people do, they usually don’t feel honored…”

“Well, I do. So, thanks for sharing her with me,” Pearl says. “For trusting me.”

“She hovers. She’s around. It’s hard to explain...but… I mean, maybe it’s different for Jesus, but...mine is...I’ve never really gotten rid of her.”

“She served a purpose for you,” Pearl understands.

“Yeah, she did.” Dominique confirms.

\--

“I hate periods…” Fran decides, lying in bed next to Mariana. “And I hate not knowing what to do even more. “I bet Moms taught you all about what to do, right?”

“Hell, no…” Mariana shakes her head. “They told me nothing. I learned everything from Callie.”

“And I’m learning everything from you,” Fran realizes.

“Right. So, if you have any questions. Ask me. Dom or Pearl would be glad to talk to you, too, I’m sure.”

“I don’t wanna talk to them. I’m too embarrassed…and I don’t want Jesus or Levi to know anything at all.” Fran admits. “But did you ever have embarrassing periods?”

“Are you kidding? Do you remember that...that day when it was like? Moms freaked out and packed all my stuff in bags and like...said the thing about two kids with brain damage?”

“Yeah…” Fran nods.

“I had my period then...and it was scary...because it was my first...since I was hurt. So things were different, I guess. And I didn’t know how to deal, really?”

“So, your feelings got super strong from them being jerks to you,” Fran says.

“You could say that…” Mariana sighs. “Listen, it’s normal. It’s normal to stain things. It’s normal to feel all over the place, to feel really negative. It’s even...normal for your chronic stuff to get like…more intense.”

“My what?” Fran asks, super confused.

“Your like, CP stuff. Tightness. Whatever. You might feel it more this week. But nothing’s wrong with you. Nothing’s like… Don’t be scared, it’s just your period.”

“That’s a great motto,” Fran smiles, and together, they say it:

_ “Don’t be scared. It’s just your period.” _

\--

“It’s hard when a parent’s sick…” Jesus admits.

“Stef or Lena?” Levi asks, cringing.

“No. Ana, actually. I know it’s not the same thing. But I had to take care of my mom,” Jesus admits.

“You were young, too?” Levi asks.

“I don’t remember much from the first time...but I do remember...we bounced back to her when we were about six or seven. I had to take care of her. I had to take care of Mari. It was a lot. It’s kinda blurry now, but I remember the feeling. The weight of the world on your shoulders and nobody to help.”

“I didn’t know,” Levi admits. “I mean, I knew a little.”

“Yeah, we don’t talk about it much,” Jesus admits.

“You could,” Levi nods. “It helps.”

“It does?” Jesus asks.

“It does,” Levi echoes. 

\--

Dominique glances over the railing down into the kitchen. 

She observes Mariana coming out of the bedroom. Piecing together Levi’s broken phone and setting it on the table.

And a few hours later, she’s still perched on the landing, when Levi and Jesus arrive back here. 

Dominique sees Levi scan for his phone - then spot it. There’s a smile on his face as he finds the bright pink Post-It beneath it.

She watches him smile and tuck it in his pocket, for safekeeping with his phone.

He glances up, blushing.

Dominique mimes locking her lips and throwing away the key.

Levi nods his thanks.


	45. Unwinding

Jesus doesn’t do it often, but he feels like taking charge of dinner tonight. Not out of trauma, but out of a need to help.

All his friends have really been going through it, and they need comfort. And he knows how important food is. So, he gets out the birthday leftovers and heats them up. (Fran’s usually not a fan of leftovers but the idea of eating her birthday meal again perks her up.)

The knowledge that Fran and Isabella are being bullied at school is more than enough reason for Fran to be feeling upset lately. She spent a lot of the afternoon in the room she shares with Mariana. The two of them hung out together, and Jesus is glad neither one was alone.

Jesus is glad that Nia made a ton of food so they definitely have enough for a second meal for all of them. Not having to cook is important for his trauma.

It’s a fine line to walk. Jesus wants - more than anything - for his friends to feel safe. He wants them to know there’s not an expectation to all sit around a dinner table, especially when most of them have some level of trauma around being gathered around a table. He wants to accommodate them, but he knows he needs to take care of himself, too. Not get so lost in accommodating them that he loses himself.

In the end, he asks Pearl for backup and she agrees to help him. They ask everybody what they want and bring it to them. Fran ends up back at the table, because of stability issues.

Her phone rings, and she picks it up.

“What?”

Jesus is surprised to hear that Fran has it on speaker phone.

“Francesca. Just because you’re on vacation doesn’t mean you get to ignore us,” Lena says.

“I’m not,” Fran says. “I’m not ignoring you.”

“We’ve been texting you since last night trying to check in. Wishing you a happy birthday, and nothing.”

Fran sits still. She’s stopped eating.

“Hi, this is Levi…” Levi says, stepping up and speaking into Fran’s phone, surprising the hell out of Jesus. “Francesca hasn’t done anything wrong. She’s safe with Mariana and Jesus and the rest of us.”

“Francesca. Take me off speaker phone,” Lena insists.

She raises wide eyes to Mariana, who shakes her head no.

“Fine. I did,” Fran lies.

“I don’t appreciate you making me look like a fool in front of your friends. This is becoming a pattern, honey, and not one I like. Now, Mom and I would like to check in with you and Mariana tonight.”

“Why?” Fran whines.

“Because. This is something you and Mariana said you needed. If we stop, what’s that communicating to you?”

Fran’s mouth is twitching and her eyes are filling with tears.

Jesus stops in front of her. “Hang up,” he mouths. “It’s okay.”

But Fran can’t seem to move. Barely nods when he gestures for her phone with his eyebrows raised.

“Mama,” he sighs. “Fran and Mari don’t owe you and Mom connection. Not communicating with them when they don’t want to? That tells them that you respect them. This doesn’t.”

“Honey, Francesca’s still a minor. We are her parents and we have the right to check on her wellbeing. She agreed to call us each night, and she’s not holding up her end of the deal.”

“She’s twelve,” Jesus says. “You’re an adult. Mom’s an adult.”

“She can’t just not communicate with us for a whole two weeks. That’s not what we agreed to. That’s October all over again.”

“Fran’s a human being, and she can decide who she wants to talk to when. You know she’s safe these two weeks. You know we’ll be in touch at some point. Stop pushing. Please.”

Jesus hangs up then.

\--

Mariana quickly moves to fill the chair beside Fran.

This is exactly why she keeps her phone volume down all the time. She hates the phone and finds talking to people and having only audio to go on exhausting. 

She doesn’t even bother checking voicemails, but she does consent to letting Jesus go through them from time to time and delete ones she wouldn’t want - which is all of them.

Pearl joins them. “I’m so sorry they keep bothering you,” she apologizes to Fran.

“They’re not bothering me,” Fran objects, sounding defeated. “They’re doing it again. They’re acting how they always act…like I’m some toy of theirs.”

“That sounds like it feels really terrible,” Pearl sympathizes.

“It feels really normal,” Fran shrugs. “But, it’s like whatever. Jesus has to talk to them. As usual. Jesus has to tell them I’m a human being. As usual. I have to be polite to them, but they don’t even have to be a little nice to me…”

“That’s about right,” Mariana agrees.

It isn’t lost on her that the anniversary of that awful day - where Moms said the thing about her and Fran - was two days ago. So all those feelings are churning.

Maybe they are for Moms, too.

Maybe they’re feeling extra angry that this is their life. Instead of having just one perfect kid. They have six.

Mari knows based on finding the same journal of Lena’s when Mari was sixteen that they both had second thoughts marking the box saying they’d accept kids with disabilities. That they only did mark it so that whoever was in charge wouldn’t deem them unfit because of bias.

They never wanted this.

And she knows, based on the hellsite she found about her brain injury that they feel cheated somehow. Personally wronged because they didn’t get the kids they thought they were getting in Mari and Jesus. Stef saw two cute kids at a police station. Not one who would get kidnapped, and another who would ruin their lives by driving drunk.

Mariana remembers Lena’s pregnancy with Fran, too. How excited she was about finally having a biological child. Mari had shoved aside all her own conflicting feelings over it. Whatever else Lena claimed, Mari heard the message loud and clear: bio kids were better. They were preferred.

But then Fran came early. Was diagnosed with CP. Wasn’t everything Lena dreamed her to be. Mari still remembers hearing Lena cry about how she didn’t even feel like Frankie looked like her at all, after that doctor’s appointment: “All I can see are symptoms now.”

It’s no wonder Fran’s resigned to being treated like this. It’s been going on literally her entire life.

Mariana feels exhausted.

There’s so little to fight with. To fight the reality that your parents really think you suck.

They’d gladly send you away, or trade you in for something better, if they could.

\--

“Thought I’d find you out here,” Dominique calls, spotting Levi at the end of the dock. “Can I come down?”

“Yeah,” he says.

She makes her way toward him. “Sorry my idea was shit,” she apologizes.

“What are you talking about?” he asks as Dominique gets comfortable on the chair behind Levi.

He sits on the dock even though it’s still really cool out.

“I mean,” she sighs. “The idea of exploring how old we felt was supposed to be voluntary… I’m sorry you were triggered into it. That sucks.”

“Yeah, it does,” he confirms. “But it doesn’t mean your idea sucks.”

“That was very cool...what you did in there...speaking up for Fran. I know it can’t have been easy. I still can’t handle it when I hear their parents, and I’m not expecting them.”

Levi shrugs. “I wasn’t about to sit there and listen to Francesca be treated like that. Especially knowing how they’ve treated her in the past.” He sighs. “I keep thinking...hoping...I guess? That their folks will… I don’t know?” he asks.

“Get their shit together?” Dominique asks. “Stop treating their kids like crap?”

“Basically,” Levi nods. “You know… I don’t blame you for my panic attack? Because I don’t. I have them for all kinds of reasons. It’s nobody’s fault.”

“I beg to differ,” Dominique objects.

“Fine, it’s one person’s fault. But that person isn’t you,” Levi assures.

“I just...forget...I guess… That what I find helpful or comforting...it’s not the same for everybody else.” Dominique ventures. “I find getting in tune with my inner children really good for me. I try to take care of them daily. It doesn’t fix everything, but it does help. That’s all I was trying to do.”

“I know,” Levi nods. “It’s okay. Are you? Did you get to feel an age?”

“Oh, I felt an age,” Dom reassures. “My feeling-age even insulted your sister. Not my finest moment.”

Levi turns around, mouth agape. 

“I apologized. She accepted,” Dominique reassures. “We dealt with it. I’m just saying. I get really into this. But I gotta remember it’s not the same for y’all.”

There’s a pause and then Dominique asks:

“ _ Are  _ you okay? From earlier?”

Levi shrugs. “Being young was scary. Hearing people in any kind of respiratory distress is triggering,” he shares.

“Oh, God… Yeah…” Dominique says, remembering the moment before Levi’s panic started. Fran choking at the table.

“Can we talk about something else, please?” Levi asks.

“What’d your Post-It note say?” Dominique asks, gently teasing.

“ _ I know I can’t fix everything, but this is a start? _ ” Levi recites from memory.

“‘Cause Mari fixed your phone,” Dominique remembers. “Awww… Y’all are so cute.”

From where she sits, Dominique can see Levi’s ears get red.

“I’m really glad you have each other,” she offers.

“I’m glad, too,” Levi confirms.

\--

They don’t stay out long. It’s too cold to really enjoy a sunset.

And when they come back in, they find Francesca resting her head in Pearl’s lap as she reads the new Harry Potter book on the couch. Mari and Jesus are nearby in chairs.

Levi scoots in on the other side of Pearl. And Fran moves her legs off the couch to make room for Dominique, who puts them back across her own lap once she’s settled.

They all sit and listen to Pearl read.

Everything’s not alright. Not even close.

But for the moment, it’s cozy. For the moment, it’s okay.

And that’s enough.


	46. Hours

Pearl ends up reading Francesca right to sleep. She’s out like a light, with her head in Pearl’s lap. When her breathing is good and loud (to indicate she’s sleeping hard), Pearl offers to carry her to bed.

She tucks Fran in, grateful the covers are turned back already (because who makes a bed on vacation?) Pearl pulls the covers up around her youngest friend and kisses her on the forehead. 

“Good night. I love you,” she whispers, before slipping out the door and closing it behind her.

Once she comes out, Pearl scans for everyone. Finds them still gathered in the living room furniture talking in low voices. She walks through the kitchen and picks up a bag of Chex Mix on the way.

“So...how’s everyone doing?” she asks.

“Exhausted,” Mariana says. “And I have the thing tomorrow.”

“Counseling?” Levi remembers. 

Mariana nods. 

“Do you need anything for that? Like, support?”

“10 AM our time is…” Mariana starts.

“Noon here,” Pearl fills in. “So, a little extra sleep.”

“Except I slept in til almost noon today. So I have to set some kind of alarm,” she says, wrinkling her nose as she does it.

“Are you gonna just video chat to her office?” Jesus wonders.

“Mmm-hmm,” Mariana nods.

“How are you with Moms?” Jesus asks. “Did they keep hassling you?”

“I wouldn’t know. My phone’s on silent,” Mariana answers.

“But how are you doing with it?” Jesus asks.

“Sucky,” Mariana answers.

“What you heard...it’s like..that’s light. And like...she was still trying to get Fran to take her off speaker…”

“I know,” Levi nods. 

“You look pensive,” Dominique observes. “Wanna say more?”

“Just… It brought back a lot. You guys know I read Lena’s whole journal from when we were placed with them? It covers the adoption, too, and it went another couple years. Right up until…” she trails off with a regretful look at Jesus.

“I remember. At least I remember as much as you told me…” Jesus allows. “Do you wanna talk about any of it?”

“They just… She wasn’t…”

“She didn’t want us…” Jesus fills in. “Not really.”

“Right.”

“So...what…” Pearl ventures, trying to think this through. “Fostering you was exclusively Stef’s idea?”

“Something like that?” Jesus says. “In my memory, we went straight from being dropped off at the police station to Stef and Lena’s but… I feel like it didn’t work that way…”

“No, there were steps in between. We had to go somewhere else first.” Mariana recalls.

“But it was Stef who wanted to do it?” Pearl presses.

“Right,” Mariana nods. “Lena wanted her own kid… That’s why Fran… Because as much as she talks about blood not making a family, she couldn’t deal with not having one person in the house who looked like her. ...Which, I guess, I have no idea what that’s like…” Mariana admits, nodding at Jesus.

“But it doesn’t feel good,” Dominique fills in.

“No,” Mariana shakes her head. “When Lena got pregnant, she was so happy. She kept saying, ‘ _ Finally. Finally _ ....’ Like she’d had to wait all this time… Like me and you, Callie and Jude? We weren’t enough, because we weren’t her bio kids.”

“I know the wound is still there,” Levi offers. “I just wanna say that you’re enough here. You both are.”

“Thanks,” Jesus nods. They bump fists.

“I’m sorry you both went through that,” Pearl apologizes. “What an awful feeling. And you were five? To know you were unwanted like that?”

“Like Fran said… It was kinda normal? I just hate that they’re still, like… Basically the same?”

“How do you mean?” Pearl asks, concerned.

“They’re not really like...whatever…” Mariana says.

“Definitely doesn’t sound like they’re really changing,” Levi offers.

“Right. And I hate saying that, because the worst stuff...that did stop. But it’s still...like...a million paper cuts. A thousand tiny bruises. So it hurts to move.”

“The stuff they say? It still hurts you, obviously,” Jesus fills in.

“And they’re still… Like...without...doing the thing to Fran’s privacy… Like… Do you remember the thing where all the kids in school thought Fran was my kid?” Mari asks Jesus.

“What?” Pearl almost chokes on a garlic chip.

“Yeah,” Jesus nods. “Apparently, it just kept going around school.”

“Well, I still could be her mom. I’m still packing for her. Preparing for her. Moms...they’re not doing anything. These, like, moments in a kid’s life where they should have their parent, and she has me. And I’m glad? But at the same time, I’m like, ‘This isn’t fair. You deserve more.’”

“Did you have more?” Dominique asks. “Out of curiosity?”

“No. That’s why I think Fran should have it. Because I know how it feels to not have it.”

“I’m glad she has you,” Pearl nods. “It’s lonely going through stages all by yourself. It’s gotta help, at least a little, to have older siblings. Especially one as plugged in as you.”

“But she deserves parents,” Mariana repeats.

“She does,” Jesus confirms. “We all do.”

“I just...I remember reading the thing in her journal or whatever… Where Lena said...like...that the paperwork asked if they’d accept kids with disabilities. I remember noting it because when I read it, Fran was like, four. And I was curious.”

“And?” Jesus asks. “What did it say?”

“That they marked it basically so they wouldn’t get deemed unfit?” Mari says, bristling. “At the time, I didn’t even consider that we had come with trauma. That Callie and Jude had, too,” she flushes, embarrassed. “Crap. I didn’t mean…to out their shit.”

“It doesn’t leave this room,” Dominique reassures.

“And I think we know...from knowing you two...that like… I hope this doesn’t come off the wrong way, but like...foster kids are gonna have trauma,” Levi fills in. “It  _ is _ traumatic, right? Leaving your home. Your family. Even if everything you know is terrible, it’s still everything you know.”

“Right,” Mari nods.

“But I didn’t mean to cut you off. Did you wanna say more?” Levi asks.

“Just that it’s true what they said on the hellsite. They didn’t sign up for this...and so they resent it. And us. Me and Fran specifically, because we’re still home…”

“But they signed up to be parents,” Pearl points out. “Biological parents, foster or adoptive parents. But parents. And being a parent means loving your kid. However that kid comes. Right?”

“You’d think…” Jesus remarks, bitter. 

“But that’s not always how it goes,” Mari finishes. “They wanted to be foster parents to look good. Not to  _ be _ good.”

“It sucks,” Jesus confirms. 

“It does,” Mariana echoes. “No matter what else they do… What they’ve done is already so bad… They try to make it up and it just doesn’t… It’s like tape and glue. But it’s not enough. Because all those paper cuts and bruises? They’re on top of the gaping wounds...that never healed. We’re still…”

“You can’t heal if they don’t let you talk about what hurt you,” Dominique points out. “And it sounds like they just expect you guys to get over it, and be at their beckon call.”

“As usual…” Mariana nods.

“Does Fran… She really thinks that Moms need to talk to me in order to remember that Fran’s a human?” Jesus asks warily.

“You heard her,” Mariana points out tiredly. “You heard Lena. It’s like...she and Stef just expect us to...do their bidding or whatever, but especially Fran, since she’s still a minor.”

“But it’s like Francesca always says,” Pearl recalls. “Just because she’s a kid doesn’t mean she’s not a human being.” She sighs. “I wish there were more we could do… Talking to Lena on the phone just seems small.”

“It’s not,” Mari points out with a meaningful look at Levi. “It’s huge. Because for so long, we were alone with it. It helps to have your support.” 

“I’m sorry,” Jesus speaks up. “That it took me so long to get out of my own head and realize what they were doing to you guys. To see that how they were treating me wasn’t how they were treating you.”

“I know,” Mariana replies. “Sometimes, I wish…”

“What?” Dominique asks.

“That my people were closer?” she asks. “Rosa and Oliver, and whoever else knows what it’s like. This. To know what it’s like when...words are hard. I can’t say half of what I want to. Sometimes it’s way less. There’s so much going on...and it’s just… There. Inside.”

“I know it’s not the same at all,” Levi offers. “But that’s really how I felt last spring when y’all came here. It’s an awful feeling.”

“I get that you wanna help - relate… But yours? It lifted,” Mariana points out. “When you felt safe enough or whatever, you could talk about it. There’s no guarantee that when I want to...or need to...the right words...or any at all...will be there. So I’m at the mercy of questions. Of people asking me the right thing at the right time. Which...doesn’t usually happen...because you’re not mind-readers.”

“Sounds unbelievably frustrating,” Pearl sympathizes.

“And it totally makes sense why you’d want Rosa and Ollie around,” Jesus adds. “Have you been able to find anybody else? Any, like, more brain injury survivors?”

“Not really?” Mariana admits. “Mostly when I Google, it’s crap by parents, and then I’m triggered as hell. There’s not a lot by us. Not a lot of us speaking for ourselves.”

“Don’t people sometimes reach out to you on Twitter?” Jesus asks.

“Not really. Not like that. They mostly...wanna talk about you,” Mariana admits.

“Sorry,” Jesus apologizes.

“I guess I could talk to Rosa…” Mariana muses. “See if she’s connected to anybody.”

“That’s a good idea,” Dominique nods.

“Hey. I’m… I’m sorry…” Levi manages. “For centering myself. In your thing. It wasn’t cool. And I’ll stop.”

Mariana looks at him. “I don’t want you to stop. I want you to keep talking. Just...maybe to also know...it’s different? And to respect that?”

“Okay. I will. I do,” Levi nods. “I promise.”


	47. Younger

“I just…” Levi begins. “I hate panic attacks, and I hate feeling younger. Powerless. It just… God, I don’t know how Dad did it… Having them so often,” he smiles a little, uncomfortable. “I mean, there’s a lot I wanted to inherit from him, but this was not one of the things…”

“You did inherit a lot from him…” Pearl says. “Much more than just panic attacks.”

“Thanks,” Levi nods. “I just… I don’t know. That kind of thing happened so often for me?”

“What kind of thing?” Mariana asks.

“I just… Earlier today…I kinda flashed back to the first time I called for help for my dad...when the dispatcher assumed I was just playing on the phone and wasn’t about to send help...not until she heard Dad get on the line himself and struggle to speak…”

“I’m so sorry…” Mariana apologizes. “How old?”

“I was around six…” Levi shares.

“So little,” Pearl says, sympathetic. “I’m so sorry you were alone with that. What a huge responsibility.”

“I mean...it was...and it also was just what I was taught. It was what we did. Mom and I. Because Dad needed us to. Obviously, when Mom was home, she was the one who called, but that was the first time...that I…”

“You okay?” Jesus asks.

“I just feel like I’m repeating myself,” Levi admits. “I already said all this to some of you...and…” he steals a look at Pearl. “Maybe all of you don’t wanna hear about my Dad memories…”

“Levi, yes, I do,” Pearl counters gently. “I want to hear what you want to share. I’m okay. I don’t want you to hold back on account of me.”

“I know...but can...someone else please go? I’m uncomfortable now,” Levi asks.

“I got something totally unrelated, if that’s cool,” Dominique offers. 

Levi nods.

\--

Dominique’s not sure if everybody’s really ready for where she’s about to go, but now with Fran asleep is pretty much the best chance to talk about it. Fran does know part of it. And Dom knows she’s told certain Avoiders some or all of it. But this is a chance to get it all out.

“It’s trauma-related,” Dominique says, nodding meaningfully at Jesus. “Is that cool?”

“I mean, no. It’s not cool. But I’m okay if you wanna talk about it,” Jesus answers.

“So...Mariana...you said the thing about there being a rumor going around school that Fran was yours?”

Mariana winces. Dominique’s head is so full of Amber right now she wonders how much she’s told Mari. How much Mari knows.

“It’s just...when I escaped...I  _ was _ …” Dominique trails off. Nobody says anything, so Dom continues. “Pregnant. And the fire..and the accident...it just…”

“Oh, shit,” Jesus says, quiet.

Dominique glances up, and Jesus is pale.

“That’s your loss. We both had losses at twelve. That was yours,” Jesus realizes. “God, I’m so sorry. I had no idea.”

“I know. . I mean… I didn’t want y’all to know. So, I never said anything. But hearing you talk, Mari...and feeling how I felt around that time…”

“Did I trigger you?” Mari asks.

“Just...kinda along the lines of what you said to Levi. And I know you know it, but.. parentifying a sibling and having a rumor go around about you? Not the same thing as…”

“Right,” Mariana nods. “Did you wanna say anything else?”

“Francesca...she knows I lost a baby...because I had a pretty major reaction last year, when that employee followed her and I around SuperOne… He assumed Fran was my daughter. When I first saw her, before we all started being The Avoiders, she triggered the hell out of me.”

They all just listen. Pearl eats Chex Mix.

“Fran knows...that sometimes, she reminds me of the baby I lost. But she doesn’t know details. And I don’t want her knowing details. Y’all can fill in the blanks, if you want. I don’t wanna talk about that. Just…”

“It’s not the same, carrying a baby, and caring for a sibling,” Mariana fills in.

“Right,” Dominique nods.

“I’m sorry,” Mariana apologizes.

“Hey, you didn’t say anything wrong,” Dominique reassures. “It’s just that this is the place and time we can all share our feelings, so…”

“So, how do you feel about it?” Pearl asks. “I don’t get what you went through. But I do know some of the fear. Just… Were you afraid?”

“There wasn’t time to be afraid. At least...not to  _ stop _ and be afraid…” Dominique amends. “I had to figure something out, fast. I asked you for help,” she nods toward Jesus.

“Me?” he asks, startled.

“Well, ghost-you,” Dominique amends. “Jesus was my invisible friend,” she tells the group of them. 

“That’s cute,” Pearl says.

“But is it?” Jesus challenges softly. She was alone and had no help. I was alone and had no help. We had to rely on ourselves. I don’t mean to be harsh or whatever, but…”

“You’re right, that was in bad taste,” Pearl apologizes. “Dominique? Did you want to keep going?”

“I figured, since we were both missing, he might...have some ideas…”

“Did I?” Jesus asks.

“You suggested sneaking out, but I’d tried that already.” Dominique touches her neck briefly. Some memories she hasn’t been close to ready to come near. It’s been years. She’s pretty sure Jesus might relate. “Anyway, I don’t really wanna say any more… I don’t know how I feel about it. It’s just different. That’s all.”

“That’s okay,” Mariana nods. 

“Did you wanna talk anymore, Levi?” Dominique checks.

\--

Levi sighs. “I really don’t know what else to say.”

“You were talking about not being believed,” Jesus reminds him softly. “That seems like it was a fear of yours for a long time. Even last year, when we met you.”

“I guess so,” Levi nods. “I hadn’t thought about that.”

“You wanna talk about it?” Dominique presses gently. “How’d it feel when the dispatcher didn’t believe you?”

“Scared. Like he might die, and it’d be my fault…” Levi trails off, thinking. “Then, a couple years later? When everything happened with Carla? I told my grandma… Well, I told her I was sad...and then she died.”

“So, it makes sense why talking is hard for you sometimes,” Mariana reassures. “But… It’s like you told me… Your voice isn’t going to be what kills us. It’s going to be the thing that saves you.”

Levi blinks. “Thank you. God, I didn’t realize how much I’ve needed to hear that.”

“No problem,” Mariana shrugs.

“It really is okay to discuss whatever you need to,” Pearl encourages.

“Oh,” Mariana interjects. “I’m sorry, I just...thought of something for tomorrow. Do you think that somebody could make sure Fran’s occupied while I talk to Nadiya in our room?”

“Sure,” Pearl says. “We can make sure she has something going on. Maybe a movie.”

“Crap and I told her I’d do her makeup in the morning, too, but I don’t know if I’ll be functional enough to do it first thing… I hate to keep letting her down.”

“If you don’t mind...and if Fran doesn’t...I’d be happy to step in,” Pearl offers. “I may not know a ton about makeup, but I know enough. I’m an early riser, and it seems she is, too, so chances are good we’d be done before you’re awake, Dominique.”

“Thanks,” Mari and Dominique chorus.

“No problem,” Pearl shrugs.

“I swear, I’m not trying to let her down,” Mariana sighs. “I just keep breaking every damn promise I make to her.”

“Hey,” Levi speaks up. “You’re there for her when it counts. And she knows you’re doing your best. Don’t be so hard on yourself.”

“It’s easy to be understanding of...other people...not so much when it’s you…” Mariana says. “Thank you, though. Did you want to say more?”

“Thank you for fixing my phone,” Levi says. “That meant a lot to me.”

“Least I could do,” Mariana says. “I wish I could do more…”

“It helped. A lot. All of you helped,” Levi says. “I seriously don’t know where I’d be without you.”

“It’s a damn good thing we found each other then,” Dominique says.

“I’d just like to feel my real age for the rest of vacation,” Levi manages, stretching.

“Ditto,” Pearl agrees.

“Ditto?” Levi asks.

“Yes, ditto. It’s old-school for ‘same,’ maybe you’ve heard of it?” she teases lightly.

“I have now,” he says, smiling.

“Dear God, how did we survive childhood?” Pearl asks.

“I have no idea,” Jesus shakes his head.

“Some parts I’d love to relive...but mostly…” Levi shudders.

“Pearl? Jesus? We haven’t heard much from you two,” Dominique asks.

“I love how you’re always the foreperson,” Pearl laughs.

“Am I?” Dominique asks.

“You or Jesus,” Pearl nods.

“We just wanna make sure everybody gets the chance to share if they want to,” Jesus says.

“Right?” Dom asks. “But we do wanna hear from you, too.”

\--

“I think I need to restock on snacks first,” Pearl decides. 

She heads out to the kitchen and is gone a while. When she comes back she has a large plate laden with turkey salami, ham, turkey, salami, several cheeses and crackers. She’s got an assortment of vegan snacks on hand for Mari, too. She’s got a six-pack of bottled water, as well.

“Pearl, you’re the best,” Jesus says.

“I try,” she smiles, setting everything down, grabbing a string cheese and unwrapping it. She gets comfortable and waits, giving Jesus the opportunity to speak first, if he wants.

He takes his time, selecting crackers, meat and cheese and making a sandwich with them.

“I guess I’m not quite sure what to say…” he says after he eats the entire thing.

There’s silence as they all wait for him to continue.


	48. Silence

“Honestly?” Jesus asks. “I hate that I might be doing to Fran and you, Mari, the same thing Moms have been doing… The same thing you talked about, Levi.”

“Which is?” Pearl asks, taking more meat, cheese and crackers.

“Not believing you. Like...I just asked Mari if what Fran said was actually true, but I heard her say it. And I know how that feels already. So why would I do it?”

“Because you’re human,” Mariana points out. “And human beings make mistakes. Even the most well-intentioned ones.”

“It’s just...times like this...I feel like He rubbed off on me. Like Moms did, too,” Jesus scrubs a hand down his face, groaning. “All their abuse and shit was so normalized.”

“It was,” Mari confirms.

“But you see it,” Dominique points out.

“Right,” Pearl echoes. “And that’s a big difference.”

“And you don’t just keep going like everything’s fine,” Mari adds. “You talk about it. You let us talk about it. And you do better going forward. That’s different from them.”

“Are you sure?” Jesus asks.

Mariana nods.

“I hate that,” Jesus comments quietly.

“What?” Levi asks.

“That they made me think the thanking them thing came exclusively from LA...and not from them? I hate not having memories. But then I hate being told about them, too.”

“Sorry,” Mariana apologizes.

“No, hey, it’s not your fault. I’m glad to have info. It just sucks, too, kinda. When the info sucks,” Jesus clarifies. “And...I am...having more memories of...early childhood, I guess? Ever since Brandon and Talya announced she’s expecting?”

“Wanna share any?” Pearl asks.

“Well, they’re not exactly good…” Jesus warns.

“I didn’t assume they were,” Pearl points out. “You can still share. Assuming everyone else is okay with it, too.”

They nod.

“Okay, so...I remember… Or I keep remembering...being at the grocery store? Do you remember this, Mari? We were at the grocery store with Stef and Lena. Brandon must’ve been there, too. And I was, like, way overstimulated. Everything’s getting in at the same time. And it’s, like, probably more food than I’d seen in my life,” Jesus shares.

“Makes sense. Ana didn’t exactly take us shopping…” Mariana fills in.

“So, like, I’m trying to touch everything. Even taste things, because I figure, if they’re out?”

“Right, and if you’re five and haven’t been to a store…” Levi reasons.

“But they...one of them...just picked me up and put me in the cart. I think it was Lena. She was like, ‘ _ Look with your eyes and not with your hands _ ,’” Jesus shakes his head.

“How was that?” Pearl asks. “How did you feel?”

“Like...massively ashamed,” Jesus admits. “I didn’t know what she meant. But that’s...it’s what I told Stef when she came to get me in LA. When she was trying to look me over. I didn’t want her to touch me, so…”

“I remember that,” Mariana breathes. “When she put you in the cart. You just went quiet. I wanted to… I started to climb up the outside. I wanted to be in with you.”

Their eyes meet. They share a look that only the two of them understand.

“Did they let you?” Levi asks. “Be together?”

“They said the back was only big enough for one...and I lost it…” Mariana recalls. “Started sobbing. Until they eventually put me in, too.”

“Can I ask…” Dominique ventures. “Why you shut down in the cart?”

“Because...before…” Jesus begins. “When we were babies...and we’d get left in our crib with nothing. Being put in the cart felt like that. No access to food. Because I did it wrong, or something. I don’t know. I never knew.”

“But eventually, you learned not to touch the food in the grocery store?” Pearl asks.

“I don’t know. That’s the only trip I remember from that point in my life,” Jesus admits.

“They kept putting you in the cart,” Mariana admits. “Us both. Until we got too big. Then it was all the rules about only walk next to the cart holding on and don’t touch anything.”

“You remember everything,” Jesus breathes.

“Because....” Mariana ventures. “Someone has to. I didn’t mean it like that. It was more...to them. They’d deny it. But I remember. For both of us.”

“Thank you,” Jesus nods.

“My dad, he would’ve explained to you. I mean, our dad,” Levi says, with an apologetic look at Pearl.

“He definitely would have,” Pearl confirms. “One of the few memories I have with him is… Sorry, I should wait my turn. I don’t want to make this about me.”

“No, I wanna hear the Dad story,” Jesus nods.

“Me, too,” Mariana says. “I love your dad.”

“Well...we were going to McDonald’s, and I’d gotten in trouble there before. Because I just wanted to play. So, before we went the next time, he talked me through all the steps and how it would go. So I knew I would get to play, but I had to eat first. He also told me all my feelings were okay. It was around the time I got Grumpy the Care Bear.”

“Aw,” Levi says. “You must’ve been young.”

“Maybe two…” Pearl says, like she’s guessing. “Based on my outfit. Anyway, he would have explained.”

“Mine would have, too,” Dominique nods. “I have a similar story, being in a store and wanting something. Being promised something and it not working out. It’s not my own memory, but I was told about it. I was around that age, Pearl.”

“And it’s so not cool that they basically contained you when all you wanted was food,” Levi comments. “I can’t imagine how it felt.”

“Familiar…” Jesus fills in. “Anyway, Pearl, do you wanna keep talking? I can’t anymore...that’s the whole feeling...it doesn’t matter what I say. No one notices.”

\--

“Because you didn’t know how to look with your eyes,” Dominique realizes. “You were communicating by being up and around, touching everything.”

“Smelling it,” Jesus fills in. “Tasting it.”

“Right,” Dominique nods. “By taking away your access, they did shut you down. And by not explaining to you what was going to happen? That meant you went into the grocery store set up to fail. And that wasn’t your fault.”

“They should’ve at least given you food to hold, or a snack from home. Something,” Pearl ventures.

“B got something....” Mariana remembers. “For being good. He got to pick candy from the checkout lane. Jesus and I didn’t. Because we didn’t behave. B kept talking about how good he’d been. And how good his Butterfinger was.”

“I’m so disappointed in Brandon,” Pearl says.

“Anyway, Pearl, you can share…” Mariana insists.

“Well, I can definitely relate to being silenced...but for wildly different reasons. Actually really related to what you shared, Dominique.”

“So, these aren’t four year old feelings anymore?” Levi asks.

“Maybe an extension of them?” Pearl ventures. “I really don’t know. But it was after my trauma at sixteen...and that whole week after just being home in bed. I couldn’t talk to anybody, except to say that I was sick.”

“And then she...took me to the police station...after I told her what happened...but I clammed up and I...couldn’t say anything. It got around anyway. No one believed me. And he…” Pearl takes a shaky breath. “He is still around. With his four kids now. With his wife and his career and his sparkling reputation.”

“That sucks,” Jesus says.

“You should’ve been believed,” Dominique says.

Levi’s reaction surprises Pearl most. When he speaks, she’s stunned to see tears in his eyes. “I wish Dad had been there...he’d have given you a ride, Pearl. I know he would’ve. Then none of this would’ve happened.”

“Hey…” Pearl says, joining Levi on the arm of the chair he’s occupying. 

He leans into her.

“There’s no use playing what if,” she says. “Dad didn’t know. He wasn’t there. And this… It wasn’t your fault. It was before you were even born.”

Mariana reaches up to grab Levi’s hand.

“I know, I just… I remember being sixteen. And it’s hard. And you shouldn’t have had to go through all that alone,” Levi manages.

“No, you shouldn’t have,” Jesus confirms. “And I believe you.”

“I believe you,” Mariana echoes.

“I believe you,” Levi says.

“I definitely believe you,” Dominique adds. “You said you knew the fear. When I talked about being…” she trails off. “Were you ever? I mean, did you get tested?”

“Denial’s a powerful force,” Pearl admits, still hugging Levi. “When I waited long enough, and my body didn’t change, I figured I was in the clear.”

“For that, but what about…” Jesus asks. “I mean, there are other things…”

Pearl shrugs. “I could never think about the other things. Everything seemed normal after a while so..I just went with that. I’ve never been tested. I’m also never going to do that...with anyone..ever. So that solves that problem.”

“You didn’t do anything  _ with _ anyone the first time,” Jesus points out. “It was done  _ to _ you. And that’s different. You didn’t consent, and we know that.”

Pearl loses herself for a second, thinking back. “When I tell people, they’re quick to forget that he actually threatened to kill me. He planned to. I talked my way out of it. But it could’ve just as easily gone the other way. As it was, a part of me died that night. And with him allowed to just be free to live his life, it’s like…”

“You get the message every day that yours doesn’t matter,” Dominique fills in, knowing.

“But it does,” Levi insists. “And I’m so glad you didn’t die. Because I can’t imagine my life without you in it. I love you so much, Pearl. And I’m so sorry.”

In a rare moment of vulnerability, Pearl wells up, too. She hugs her brother tightly, and they cry together, as the other Avoiders bear witness.


	49. Needs

Mariana’s still fading fast, even with a steady supply of coffee. All that succeeds in doing is wiring her body while her brain remains exhausted. She feels so damn impotent just sitting by as Levi and Pearl cry.

But she also knows that it sometimes helps just to be able to feel what you feel without a lot of feedback. Just people there, supporting you.

It takes Pearl and Levi a little while to stop crying. Meanwhile, Mariana wells up, too, because…because seeing her friends in pain sucks...because she understands Pearl’s fear - that about to die feeling. Because she understands too well even if she hasn’t said...that feeling of maybe I should get tested. Am I pregnant?

For much the same reasons as Pearl, Mariana could never find out.

Jesus and Dominique are both dry-eyed, but not unfeeling. She can see it in Dom’s eyes that she gets this on the deepest level - what Pearl shared - and that - to an extent - Jesus does too.

When Pearl and Levi are finally just leaning on each other and not crying anymore, Jesus asks, “What do you guys need?”

“What?” Pearl asks.

“I mean, it’s still April...for both of you. And do you need anything? Can we help make it easier somehow?” Jesus wonders.

“I just...might need to talk…” Pearl ventures. “Or not. I don’t really know yet. But I feel…” She pauses to blow her nose. “It’s hard…” she starts again. “When I don’t want to talk, I feel overlooked?” 

“Just because you don’t want to talk about that, doesn’t mean don’t talk to you at all, though…” Levi says, knowing. 

“Sucks being ignored,” Mariana comments quietly.

“It does,” Pearl confirms.

“Could we check in with you, Pearl?” Jesus asks. “Just to see how you’re feeling as the days get closer?”

“If it’s not too big an inconvenience...that would be great,” she admits, wiping her eyes. 

“It’s not,” Dominique confirms.

“Levi?” Pearl asks. “What about you?”

“Listen to me?” he asks. “Make it really obvious that you believe me, I guess?”

“We can do that,” Jesus nods.

“Mariana, you said it sucks being ignored,” Levi remembers, still sounding stuffy from crying. “We don’t wanna ignore you. How can we help?”

“Take care of Fran tomorrow morning?” she asks. “So I can take care of me and not worry? Keep asking questions? Even if I don’t wanna answer one, don’t, like...stop asking altogether. That feels...like taking away basic needs. Because I need questions to communicate.”

“We’ll watch Fran. She’s not just your responsibility here. We all love her,” Pearl says. 

“And we’ll keep asking questions,” Levi promises. “I’ll try not to withhold, even unintentionally.”

“You could relate to what I was saying?” Pearl asks. “About being ignored? Feeling like I didn’t matter?”

“Every day,” Mariana confirms. “For you, it stopped when you found us. For me, it hasn’t. Because I’m still with them. And it’s still the hardest damn thing in their lives to even just check in with me and see how I’m doing.”

“I thought Stef did it,” Jesus remembers. “Before we came. I thought she started.”

“It’s been two years, Jesus. And she  _ just _ started...and I’ve been living with this - in some form - since way before I came to them,” Mariana points out.

“Well, when you put it like that, yeah, it’s hella inadequate…” Jesus admits. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry they’ve ignored you and checked in with me. I’m sorry they never ask you anything unless they’re directly told to--”

“--And maybe not even then--” Mari interjects.

“And maybe not even then,” Jesus confirms. “You don’t deserve that. You deserve parents who give a damn. Who check in with you. Especially about things that are such big issues in your life…”

“Thanks,” Mariana manages. “What about you, Dom? Proud of you, by the way…”

“What? What did  _ I _ do?” Dominique asks.

“You’re opening up,” Mariana points out. “That’s big.”

“Especially since I haven’t been a great friend to you, and haven’t been supporting you near as much as you’ve supported me,” Jesus adds.

“It’s not a competition,” Dominique replies. “But I appreciate that you’re actively changing. I notice that. It means something.”

“But what do you need?” Pearl presses.

“I guess...I need...more of this,” Dominique admits. “More opportunities to check in? Maybe even more opportunities with my inner children? Because I think that really makes me feel like I can share. I don’t know if that makes sense. And I don’t want y’all to feel pressured into it, if it’s not something you feel safe doing. It just...it helps me feel like y’all see me. Because nobody saw me then…”

Jesus extends his fist for Dom to bump. 

She does.

“We do see you,” he tells her.

“We see you, too,” she tells him.

“And we can definitely check in with you,” Levi says to Dominique.

“And I’d be happy to check in with the inner children,” Pearl volunteers. “I like them.”

“You’ve gotta be the only one,” Dominique laughs, rueful.

“I can see why checking in with them helps you be able to be more open with us,” Pearl says. “And I do like them. They’re very honest. I know where I stand. And if I can take their honesty, then maybe it gets in...that I can take yours. That we won’t leave when things get tough?” 

“Yeah, maybe…” Dominique admits.

“What about me?” Jesus asks quietly.

“We didn’t forget you,” Mariana reassures. “What do you need?”

“It’s old stuff. You guys know a lot about me already. But, like, I hate feeling...how I felt when Lena just grabbed me and put me in the cart? Sorry, I’m trying to avoid ableist language. Even about myself.”

“Good job,” Mariana says.

“It’s okay that it’s old stuff,” Levi encourages. “Besides...I might not know it anyway, being the newest here. So, I’d love to know if there’s something that would help.”

“Just...be really clear with me? As clear as you can? I just can’t take, like, that shock of doing something wrong...and having no context for it.”

“Do you have an example?” Mariana asks.

“Like the grocery store,” Jesus says.

“Jesus, we’re not going to scold you out of nowhere,” Pearl reassures. “And the only situation where we’d ever put hands on you without asking you first is if your life were in imminent danger. Because we want you alive.”

“But we can definitely explain,” Levi agrees. 

“Go kinda slow?” Jesus asks, soft.

“Sure,” Levi agrees.

“I’ll try. Words...aren’t really my forte,” Mariana says. “What comes out...that might sound like...scolding.”

“Right, I know. This isn’t directed at you,” Jesus clarifies. “It’s about Moms.”

“But is there something I  _ could _ say?” Mariana asks. “Could you...I don’t know? Give me words?”

“You could say… Can I explain?” Jesus suggests. “And then maybe…. Could somebody jump in and help Mari? If there’s a situation like this? Where I need some kind of clarification?” Jesus asks.

“Absolutely,” Levi agrees.

“I can,” Pearl chimes in.

“I’m gonna sit out the clarifying,” Dominique admits. “It just walks some kinda line for me, and I need to stay safe. I spent too long trying to make things some kinda way for dudes’ comfort.”

“It’s not that,” Jesus points out.

“Jesus, I know that,” Dominique says. “I’m saying, it’s one of those things that gets blurry for me. I need you to get that I’m not trying to minimize what you need. I’m trying to protect myself.”

“From me…” Jesus mutters.

“Jesus…” Mariana begins. “Can I explain?”

“Yeah,” he nods.

“Men are triggering. Most of us here have experience with men being...rapey. So, sometimes we trigger each other. It’s not your fault. But it _ is _ our...whatever...responsibility. You wanna protect Dom? Honor her? Then listen to her. Don’t ask her to do something she can’t do safely. Trust that this isn’t about you,” Mariana points out, glancing Dominique’s way. “Right?”

“Thank you, yeah,” Dominique nods.

“Clear enough?” Mariana asks Jesus.

“Yeah. I’m sorry. I keep making your stuff about me. I’m gonna keep working on it. You’re totally worth protecting,” Jesus manages. 

“I appreciate that,” Dominique says, blowing out a breath. “I’d appreciate it more if you could take my word for it…”

“I’m sorry. Sorry for doubting you,” Jesus apologizes again.

“Thank you,” Dominique nods.

“I think I’m gonna need to head to bed. When I start getting like this, I need to sleep,” Jesus says, rubbing his eyes.

“We can head out,” Levi says.

He and Jesus go around saying goodnight to each other, exchanging words or hugs or a nod. Whatever each person is comfortable with.

“You cool?” Jesus asks.

Mariana nods. She points to him, eyebrows raised.

“I’m here,” Jesus says, two messages at once.

“I know,” she nods. “Me, too.”

“Okay,” Jesus answers. 

They know each other so well, there’s no need for anything more than that. Just like that, he’s waiting by the door. When Jesus is ready for bed, he’s ready to drop.

They’re alike this way. Mariana feels like she could sleep for a thousand years, and she might still be exhausted when she woke. It’s kind of been her resting state for the last two years. She’s still not used to it yet. She wonders if she’ll ever be.

Mariana’s heart trips as Levi stops by to say goodnight to her. It doesn’t escape her that he’s waited until everyone has cleared out of the living room for the time being. So, at least, they have some degree of privacy.

His hands hover around her face until she nods. He leans forward until his forehead is resting against hers and whispers a string of sound like a river. It makes no sense but feels weirdly intimate.

“ _ Oel ngati kameie _ ,” he says.

“What?” she manages.

“That’s Na’vi. It means I see your love...and your feelings...and your soul...and you mean everything to me…”

“That is so hot...and weird…” Mariana manages, smiling. 

“I’ll see you tomorrow,” he promises, caressing her cheek before letting her go entirely.

“Bye…” she manages. 

But even after he walks away, she can feel him there with her. His words inside her, filling her with something like hope.


	50. Outsider

Levi has an alarm set for 6:30 AM, so he can get out to the dock in time for the sunrise. This time, he prepares and grabs a full-on jacket, some chocolate coffee for himself and some lemon lavender tea for Dom. He zaps some oatmeal in the microwave, catching it before the timer goes off and wakes Jesus, who finally seems committed to sleeping later.

Panther’s still asleep. Dudley’s still asleep. It’s weird with the house so quiet.

He’s out the door, shocked by the cold still, when it reminds him to text Dom to maybe grab a jacket.

He’s not sure what to do or where to wait. So eventually he walks down to the dock, carrying thermoses and an insulated lunch bag with their oatmeal, spoons and a banana each. He sits on the wide chair, setting their food in the middle, and waiting for the sky to lighten.

“Hey, Dad…” Levi whispers. “Hope you don’t mind, I'm sharing the sunrise with my friends. You’d like Dominique, I think.”

“Who’d like me?” Dominique asks.

Levi jumps a foot, holding his chest. “I didn’t even hear you at all.”

“Sorry,” Dominique apologizes. “Can I sit?”

“Yeah,” Levi nods. “I was talking to my dad. I think he’d like you.”

Dominique nods. It’s small. Almost polite. And it takes that much for Levi to remember that Dominique isn’t a fan of older men.

“Is that Pearl’s jacket?” he asks, changing the subject. He smiles a little, recognizing it.

“Listen, I’m from California. Texas before that. We don’t have winter jackets. Pearl’s up, and she said it was cool if I wore hers. Which, I love, by the way. I need to get me a fur lined hood…” Dominique pulls it closer around her face.

“Breakfast?” Levi asks, handing her the thermos with tea. He follows that up with oatmeal in a Tupperware container and one of the bananas.

“You thought of everything…” Dominique says, impressed.

“Well, this used to be my dad’s thing. He always brought breakfast… Of course we drove, and watched with heat and stuff. So cold out here,” he shivers.

They go quiet as the sun rises slowly over the water.

The tears still come like Levi’s eyes are faucets. He can’t control it. And having the warm breakfast makes his nose run extra.

He has no tissues.

Dominique roots around in Pearl’s jacket pocket and finds a tiny package of Kleenex and hands it to him.

“Thank you,” he says. (Because she is maybe the one person in his life Levi doesn’t feel compelled to apologize to for having authentic feelings.)

“You okay?” she asks evenly.

“I just… I am never gonna stop missing him, am I?” Levi admits.

“Maybe not,” Dominique allows. “Maybe you’re not supposed to. If he mattered to you - which, he obviously did - maybe it’s meant to hurt.”

There’s silence.

“Do you know I kinda broke into a church after he died?” Levi asks.

“Why the hell would you do that?” Dominique asks, stunned. She knows the risks, just existing in the world looking like they do. 

“Well, I didn’t technically break in...I just kinda...didn’t leave when everyone else did? I hid out in the bathroom until everyone left and then… I slept in the sanctuary…”

“You missed him...or…?” Dominique wonders.

“We’d moved up here and I just...couldn’t handle it...so I’d left...and it was before I found Pearl. So I was technically homeless and I didn’t wanna risk sleeping in my car…” Levi shares. “It doesn’t make sense. I had a perfectly safe home. A good mom. The best...but...I didn’t feel okay there.”

“You don’t have to justify your choice,” Dominique reassures him. “But were you alright? Nobody found you, did they?”

“No,” Levi shakes his head. “Nobody found me. Anyway, are you okay? Is Pearl gonna check in with your inner child today?” he asks.

“I guess...maybe…” Dominique answers. “I didn’t really ask her.”

“How are you, though?” he presses.

She stirs her oatmeal in the half-dark. “I don’t know. I can’t really… It’s like two steps forward, one step back with Jesus. Things go really well and then it’s back to, ‘ _ She’s acting triggered… _ ’”

Levi just listens.

“And he’s family. All y’all are. Avoiders unite. I take that seriously. But it’s… I feel…”

Levi cocks his head.

“...like he’s so used to having his status mean something? That he...wields it. And maybe it’s without knowing? Maybe it’s unintentional? But it makes me feel like shit. To feel like I owe it to him to put my own damn self on the line for him. My safety. My well being. Because his feelings are hurt that I can’t check in with him.”

Levi draws a deep breath and exhales. “You don’t owe him, Dominique. Friends don’t owe each other. We help where we can. We don’t have debt.”

“Sounds familiar,” she admits, shivering. “I’m freezing my ass off out here.”

“We can head in,” Levi nods. “I’m probably gonna head back to bed.”

“See ya. Thanks for the sunrise,” she says, heading for the cabin next door.

“Thanks for the sunrise,” he echoes, glancing up at the morning sky.

\--

Fran wakes up and checks her phone and it’s 9:06. Way later than yesterday. The first thing she has to do (annoyingly) is go to the bathroom and figure out how to get dressed without ruining all of her clothes.

She finally manages, and comes out to find Pearl awake.

She seems to be the only one. Mariana’s still sleeping in the bedroom, and Dominique’s door is closed upstairs.

“Any boys around?” Fran stage-whispers.

Pearl looks around in a funny secret-spy type way. “The coast is clear. Why?”

Fran makes her way over, uncomfortably, sitting by Pearl on the couch. “I got my period yesterday,” she whispers. “You got yours, right?”

“Only about 300 times…” Pearl says.

“You’re joking,” Fran says, sure.

“Fine, 330,” Pearl admits, wrinkling her forehead. “Are you okay?”

“It’s hard doing everything…” Fran admits. “And I feel like I’m gonna be hating everything forever.”

“Not forever,” Pearl reassures. “It’ll pass, and your feelings will even out again.”

“What are you writing?” Fran wonders.

“Oh, we were talking last night. So I’m just jotting down what all The Avoiders need.”

“You guys talked without me?” Fran asks, hurt. “I hate being left out.”

“I know. I’m sorry. What do you need, Fran? I want to make sure to write it down, too.”

Fran feels like crying. “I hate being left out,” she repeats. “Everybody does it. And it feels even worse if friends do it.”

“You’re right. That wasn’t nice of us,” Pearl says. 

“I need to be with you guys. Not like, ‘Oh yeah,’” Fran says wiping her eyes.

“You need to not be an afterthought,” Pearl says. “And included in the moment.”

“I hate being the youngest. No one listens to you. You don’t know what that’s like because you’re the oldest, so nobody left you out.”

“I can help you do your makeup, if you’d like,” Pearl says. 

“Mariana will,” Fran says.

“Actually, she’s got to talk to her counselor today. So she asked if I’d help you today.”

“You guys just decided,” Fran huffs. “While I was sleeping. Why didn’t anybody wake me up?”

“Because you need sleep, Fran,” Pearl points out gently.

“So do you guys,” Fran exclaims. “I don’t want your help. And stop deciding everything for me. You’re just like Moms…”

\--

Jesus is stunned to wake up and see that it’s 9:30 in the morning. He can’t remember the last time he’s slept this late. 

He finds a text from Levi at 6:45 saying that he’s going out on the dock to watch the sunrise with Dom...and another at 7:15 saying he’s back and about to go to bed again.

Jesus shivers a little. He’s a little freaked out that he slept hard enough not to even hear Levi leave and come back this morning.

Dudley’s up, though, and so is Panther. So Jesus finds Dudley’s leash and then goes on a search for Panther’s.

“You wanna go outside?” he asks both dogs, and they pant, excited.

Jesus loves being able to just go out and enjoy the sun in the morning, especially here, where no one knows him. Where it’s like not another soul even exists.

The dogs do their thing and then all three of them take off at a jog for as long as they can keep it going. Jesus only stops when he’s breathing hard. Dudley and Panther seem like they could definitely keep going, but Jesus figures it’s probably a good time to get them back to the cabin.

He sniffs himself. Maybe time for a shower. Maybe breakfast.

Jesus goes back inside and feels a jolt of surprise go through him at the sight of Levi on the couch.

The blankets, which Jesus had left a mess, are folded neatly. Levi doesn’t look happy.

“What?” Jesus asks, wary.

“Listen...I know. I remember...that you need things to be super clear. So...just because it’s daylight? That doesn’t mean don’t lock the door behind you.”

“Wait. I did. Didn’t I?” Jesus double checks.

“It was standing open, Jesus. Just the screen door was shut. We changed the locks, so Carla couldn’t get in...but that only works if they’re locked…”

“I’m sorry…” Jesus breathes.

“Also? Not to be overwhelming...but I was pretty sure Panther got dog-napped. There was a reason I texted you when I left and came back this morning even when you were asleep.”

“Yeah?” Jesus asks, confused.

“Yes. Courtesy,” Levi says, a little testy.

“Courtesy…” Jesus repeats, not really following.

“It wouldn’t be beyond her to come and steal my dog, Jesus. So I need you to let me know before you take her out…” Levi breathes, scratching Panther behind the ears.

“I swear, I thought of doing that. I meant to, it just… I just forgot.” Jesus manages, feeling shame grow inside him.

“Maybe write yourself a note? Something?” Levi asks.

It takes Jesus about this long to register that Levi’s shaking.

“Dude. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to freak you out,” Jesus apologizes.

“It’s fine. I mean...it’s not fine, I just...need time right now. I can’t talk right this minute about it. I’m gonna grab a shower. I had oatmeal. There’s more in the cupboard if you want it. Fruit. Coffee. Help yourself. To whatever, not just what I named.”

Panther follows Levi in the bathroom.

Jesus hears the door shut, and the lock click.

He can’t stand the sound.


	51. Honesty

Jesus just sits for a while. When he hears the shower go on, he eases the drawer open, where all the snacks are. He knows these are okay. Still, he finds himself organizing them. Taking inventory and not eating them. 

He has an urge to stuff his backpack with all of them, but with Dudley here, making all kinds of noise, he doesn’t. He opens a box of peanut butter Ritz and starts in on it. Eventually, he goes to the kitchen and gets a single serving carton of yogurt. What else had Levi said?

Oatmeal.

He heats up some of that, too, and eats it. He goes back to his drawer and finds a bottle of water to have with it.

He cleans up after himself well. So that Levi won’t be mad. He hopes, anyway.

When Levi comes out, Jesus is waiting there, with his own clothes, and Dudley.

“I had an oatmeal. And a banana yogurt. Otherwise, I just had stuff from the drawer,” he reports.

“You don’t have to limit yourself like that,” Levi says. “I’m not mad. You can eat what you like.”

“Can I shower?” Jesus asks.

“You don’t have to ask,” Levi says. “I know I came on kinda strong before, and I would like to talk about it, but...I don’t want you being on edge the whole time you’re here, thinking you’re gonna piss me off. That’s the worst.”

“Okay,” Jesus nods, but he still waits until Levi nods to go in and lock the door behind him and Dudley. The bathroom is still one of Jesus’s favorite features. Its microscopic size. How there’s obviously only room for one person.

He showers, using his own stuff. And he’s quick. It’s just better that way.

When Jesus comes out, he can’t find Levi right away. Eventually, he sees him in the swing in the corner.

By now, with his morning meds on board, he can slow down enough to think through what Levi was reacting to...and leaving the cabin door open had definitely been an unsafe move.

“Hey…” Jesus says. “Listen. I’m sorry.”

“I know. I know you didn’t do it on purpose,” Levi says, just a disembodied voice. He gets out and comes to sit beside Jesus on the couch. “We gotta figure this out, though. So…”

“So?” Jesus asks.

“You didn’t mean to leave the door open...and you meant to text?” Levi reviews.

“Yeah…” Jesus says, ducking his head. He feels so worthless. But he’s trying not to get sucked into thinking he’s the worst friend in the world. Because what kind of friend puts his friends in danger? Jesus, of all people, knows what can happen.

“Listen...I know… You just said you struggle with hearing feedback or criticism. So I get that this is hard. Part of being Avoiders, though, is that we don’t lie to each other - even by omission. We’re as honest as we can be.”

“You’re so understanding of Mari…” Jesus breathes.

“What?” Levi asks.

“Not that you shouldn’t be. She deserves understanding...but...you get that I’m not just giving you excuses, right? That I have...invisible stuff going on, too?”

“Like trauma, yeah,” Levi nods.

“And ADHD…” Jesus admits.

“Really?” Levi asks.

And it takes Jesus a minute to remember that the Wests are, like, the only two people he’s ever met who haven’t read up on him in advance. Who doesn’t know his diagnoses, his favorite foods as a kid, and who hasn’t seen the videos of his ollie kickflip. 

“Makes it hard to… I don’t know. I don’t ever talk about this. But I just...do things. I have the best intentions, and then I forget. I get an idea, and I just go with it…”

“So, what would help?” Levi asks.

Jesus tries to think past his shame. “Uh...you said the note thing? Could you do that? Leave me a note? For things you need me to remember? I rely a lot on routine. I do things in the same order. Get up at the same time every day. Today was different. I slept in. And sometimes, all it takes is that first thing being different, to…”

“Throw off the emperor’s groove?” Levi asks, smiling a little.

Jesus smiles, too, recognizing the line from the Disney movie. “You could say that. But I’m not an emperor. Brandon used to call me the king, and it…” Jesus shakes his head, thinking of moms’ habit of calling Mari Miss Thang. Of how much Mari hated it. “I’m not that. Needing things a specific way to feel safe isn’t…”

“Doesn’t make you full of yourself,” Levi finishes. “I won’t. I won’t quote that line anymore. Sorry. And I can definitely do notes for things. I’m sorry I came down hard on you for things you can’t help.”

“You didn’t. It’s a safety thing. And Panther’s your dog. You’re right to be concerned,” Jesus says.

“Back when I first moved in here… It was last spring actually, when y’all were here? I took Cleo out for Pearl...and then I fed her. And Pearl was really irritated at me...for doing things in an order that didn’t make sense to her. And then she asked if I wanted to go next door for breakfast. I thought she was coming with me, but she wasn’t.”

“Yeah?” Jesus asks.

“It’s not the same. But I was just thinking about how it felt when Pearl got short with me...when I was just trying to help,” Levi muses.

“Yeah, I was just trying to help, too,” Jesus nods.

“I know. So…” Levi says, grabbing fluorescent Post Its from the desk nearby. “Lock the door,” he writes on a magenta one, sticking it beside the front door.

“I don’t have a key,” Jesus reminds.

“It’s right here,” Levi shows him the small set of hooks by the door, where keys hang.

Jesus shivers a little, thinking of handcuff keys.

“You okay?” Levi asks.

“Forgot, keys can kinda be a trigger. Not super bad, just…not super good,” Jesus admits.

“If it’s easier? You can text me when you’re leaving so I can make sure and lock it. And I guess...in all fairness? I could’ve texted you to see where you were this morning…” 

“Yeah, my phone was down,” Jesus says, sheepish. “Wouldn’t have helped.”

“Ah,” Levi says. “I want you to know, I always wanna help, Jesus. I wanna give you the benefit of the doubt, and I always try to...but I can’t do that if I don’t know what you’re dealing with.”

“You don’t need to know my diagnoses in order to be sympathetic,” Jesus pushes back a little. (He’s thinking of Callie, years ago, who argued the same point.)

“No. But you mentioned Mariana. My understanding of her comes from the fact that we’ve had these conversations. A lot of them. We’ve taken the time to discuss things she needs and how I can best help.”

“I guess I just… It sounds bad but, like, everybody always already knows my story. They know everything about me. Strangers. Even Dominique, you know? She read up on me. So, it’s like… I’m used to people just knowing?”

“Pearl and I haven’t done that. At least,  _ I _ haven’t…” Levi amends. “I don’t know anything more about you than you’ve told me.”

“That’s weird. And, I guess, unfair of me...to say you weren’t being understanding of me when we never had a conversation like you’ve had with Mari.” Jesus draws a deep breath. “So...are we cool? Brovoiders?” 

“Brovoiders,’ Levi says, a slow smile spreading.

\--

Francesca doesn’t feel hungry for a big breakfast, but Pearl gets her tea and toast anyway.

By the time Levi and Jesus get there, Fran’s just about done eating. (Mariana was right, Fran’s sloth speed is extra slow now. Luckily no one minds.)

She still feels in a bad mood and ugly without makeup but she perks up when Levi sits down next to her, and whispers to her:

“I brought a movie to watch after lunch,” he says.

“Which movie?” she asks.

He casually slides a  _ Lilo & Stitch _ DVD in front of her, eyebrows up. 

“What’s this?” she asks. 

“Well, you know how you love  _ Frozen _ ?” he asks. “This one’s about sisters, too. But they live in Hawaii, not Norway. It was my favorite Disney movie as a kid...before  _ Moana _ came out.”

“My favorite before  _ Moana _ is  _ Frozen _ .... So, I guess I could watch another one that’s kinda like it,” she sighs.

“What’s up?” Levi asks.

“You guys keep leaving me out. Pearl said that you talked again after I fell asleep, and you all know what everybody needs...except for me. I hate being left out.”

“Oh. I’m sorry. We didn’t think about how that would feel for you,” Levi apologizes.

“It sucks when adults won’t listen to you,” Fran says, sad.

“It definitely does,” Levi admits.

“Even the safe ones,” Fran says. “Because then it’s like nobody believes you, nobody listens, you’re just a kid with zero power.”

“Right,” Levi agrees. “It does.”

“Did it ever happen to you?” Fran wonders.

“It did. When I was a little boy, I had to call for help for my dad...and the 911 dispatcher thought because I was a kid that I was just playing on the phone…”

“But you don’t have a disability. I mean, sorry. You don’t, right? I know asking is rude, but saying someone doesn’t is kinda rude, too. So, I guess...I don’t know what to do…”

“No, you’re right, I don’t. And that makes your experience and mine different. You’re right to point that out. There are parts of what you go through that I don’t,” Levi agrees.

“Having a disability means even less power, I think,” Fran considers.

“You feel more powerless?” Levi asks.

“Yeah, like Moms just make me do what they say. Or they kinda ignore me. And then you guys kinda forgot me. And that hurt my feelings, too.”

“Sounds like you’re dealing with a lot,” Levi agrees, sympathetic. 

“Well, yeah, because Pearl said you guys were just deciding things for me. And you are, basically,” she nods at the DVD. “She decided I’d want her to do my makeup instead of Mari. You decided what movie we should watch. Nobody’s asking me what I want, Levi.”

“What do you want to do, Fran?” Levi asks. “You’re right. We shouldn’t decide things for you. I’m sorry for assuming you’d wanna watch this just because I like it,” Levi takes the DVD off the table and puts it on his lap.

“Well, I might still wanna watch it. I just wanna be asked. But nobody is,” Fran sighs.

“Do you wanna watch  _ Lilo and Stitch _ ?” Levi asks.

“I mean...you  _ do _ have good taste in favorite movies,” Fran allows. “So, yeah, I want to.”

“Okay, sounds great. And I’ll make sure we’re asking you more about what you wanna do instead of deciding things for you.”

“Thanks,” Fran says, feeling a tiny bit better after all.


	52. Bases

Mariana just manages to turn on her laptop and be ready for Nadiya on time. She’s still in bed. Hasn’t showered yet. Hasn’t eaten. But she’s here.

“Hi, Mariana. How are you?” Nadiya asks. She’s here, but not. Somehow, it feels comforting to be able to talk to her without having to leave home. (And yet, if Mari were at home? She knows the feeling would be different.)

“I’m okay,” she admits. 

“Looks like you’re enjoying vacation,” Nadiya says with a warm smile. “Sleeping in is nice...and necessary, right?”

Mariana nods.

“Has anything come up that you’d like to talk about?” Nadiya asks.

“Not Nick,” she insists.

“No, we don’t have to discuss him. Anything else? How are you feeling on vacation?”

“Weirdly isolated…” Mariana admits.

“Tell me about weirdly isolated,” Nadiya urges, interested.

“Like...I’m with all my friends...I should feel happy. And I do feel better than I do at home, but… I can’t always count on them to ask the right questions. Questions I need to say whatever. I know they try.”

“So, you’re feeling stifled in your ability to communicate?” Nadiya asks.

“Basically.”

“If you could have anything to help with the feelings of isolation, what would that be?” Nadiya asks.

“More people,” Mariana answers.

“More people…” Nadiya nods.

“More people like me. Rosa, Oliver, just more of them,” Mariana insists.

“So you need more connections to your community. It’s possible I can help you with that. Is it something you’d like me to look into? Or would you rather look for those connections yourself, authentically?” Nadiya wonders.

“I’ve tried… It’s just...I have a lot going on… I just...wouldn’t want it to be a favor-friendship.”

“What do you mean?” Nadiya asks.

“Like, ‘ _ Oh, be friends with the sad girl as a favor to me, _ ’” Mariana tries to explain.

“There are plenty of people out there, who would benefit from a friendship with you as well as vice versa. Friendship is two ways,” Nadiya points out.

“Ideally,” Mariana points out.

“Have you experienced less than ideal friendships?” Nadiya asks.

“I mean...after I got hurt...all my friends basically vanished. The ones who did stay, stayed for pity-points.”

“Have you ever been able to process how that felt?” Nadiya’s curious.

“No,” Mariana shakes her head.

“Do you want to?” 

“Not really,” Mariana sighs. “But I guess you could...point me to some people...like me. You know, if you know any?”

“I’d be happy to. I know of two more women. A bit older than you. Let me ask them if they’d like to be in touch and then get back to you.”

“Okay,” Mariana nods, breathing a sigh of relief.

“What else is on your mind?” Nadiya asks, gentle.

“Moms are harassing Fran again,” Mariana manages.

“And what’s that bringing up for you?” Nadiya wonders.

“All the rejection…” 

“All the rejection,” Nadiya confirms. “How so?”

“Like… They act like they’re entitled to her? And to me? But also that they’re entitled to...treat us like shit because we’re not what they deserve.”

“Tell me about deserving,” Nadiya encourages.

“Lena always wanted a bio kid. She got Fran and I remember, she was so happy. But then...she wasn’t when Fran was diagnosed.”

“Were they unhappy when you were diagnosed?” Nadiya asks.

“Two years ago, they threatened to institutionalize me,” Mariana blurts out the truth. “And they said this thing about how the universe was in a mood because it gave them two kids with brain damage.”

Nadiya’s listening, her eyebrows drawn together, concerned.

“It’s whatever. They weren’t saying anything that wasn’t true, about our symptoms or whatever but…” Mariana trails off. “It’s the way they said it.”

“What were they doing when they said it?” Nadiya asks.

“Packing,” Mariana remembers.

“They were packing,” Nadiya repeats. “Were they going somewhere?”

“No, they were pissed at me,” Mariana insists. “They were putting everything in bags. Everything I wrecked. Bags like I was going to move.”

“What kind of bags?” Nadiya asks.

“Trash bags,” Mariana fills in. “The kind we had in foster care.”

“So...you wrecked things...for a valid reason, I’m sure. You were frustrated, or overwhelmed?”

Mariana nods.

“And they cleared up the mess using trash bags...and said an ableist comment in response...and they threatened to institutionalize you.”

Another nod. Mariana’s not looking at the screen. Her face feels hot.

“Mariana, I’m so sorry. You don’t deserve that. You never did,” Nadiya insists. “How did you feel when that happened?”

“Like trash...and terrified...that they’d send me away and keep Jesus…” Mariana admits.

“You felt...maybe worthless? Maybe disposable? And you were terrified they’d send you somewhere without your brother,” Nadiya repeats.

Mariana nods. “They’re treating Fran the same...and they don’t even...realize or care. They like...see one aspect and throw themselves into that...at the exclusion of everything else.”

“Sounds like your little self was pretty active, too,” Nadiya points out, gentle. “Seeing the trash bags? Feeling that fear of perhaps being sent away alone?”

“Yeah, and we were doing this yesterday...where everybody shared how old they felt...and they just kinda assumed based on something I told Jesus...how old I was feeling. It wasn’t necessarily wrong. But I just...didn’t have the same options everyone else did.”

“I see. How did that feel?”

“Unfair. Everyone else got to choose. I had to agree. Because they didn’t ask.” Mariana sighs. 

“I can see why you’re longing for more connections to your community,” Nadiya sympathizes. 

“It’s not that I don’t love them - The Avoiders - I do,” Mariana insists.

“I believe you. Absolutely. The wonderful thing about the heart is that it grows to accommodate all the love you have. There’s not a limited quantity inside you. You can love The Avoiders and still want for other connections. That’s not betraying them. It’s acknowledging you,” Nadiya points out.

“I had a dream...that there were all these foster kids, and they got crappy letters from their bio parents. And I was there, and there were, like, two sets of siblings? And they were all destroyed. Because of the notes. And I was like...in the dream… “ _ I can relate, but not exactly. I’ve gotten guilt mail _ ,” or something. And I told them, “ _ When you doubt yourself. When you doubt that you did the right thing, look at your siblings. You got them out. Because of you, they’re safe _ .”

“We have five minutes, but I’m very curious. Then what happened?” Nadiya asks.

“Two of the siblings stood up and looked around at the rest of their siblings right then. Like, they were feeling guilty right then.” Mariana recalls.

“How did you feel?” Nadiya asks.

“Really good?” Mariana admits. “Except...when I woke up, I realized...I didn’t do that. I couldn’t save us when we were kids. Me and Jesus. And I can’t protect Fran now, either. I told them what to do to not feel guilty, but I can’t do the same.”

“But you can look in the mirror,” Nadiya coaches gently. “You can speak to your own reflection. Or a picture of younger you. When you feel guilty, look at that picture of little you. Because of grownup you, that little girl is safe. You got her out. You are protecting her. You did the right thing,” Nadiya insists kindly.

Mariana wipes tears from her eyes. “Thank you.”

“I want you to text me if you need me this week. If you’re having anxiety or panic feelings. If you’re feeling triggered. And I’m going to text you the names of the women I mentioned, because both of them said they’d love to talk to you. We’ll see you next week.”

“Bye,” Mariana says just as her phone chimes with two names:

Jessica Walker and Elise Evans. Their phone numbers are beside their names.

Mariana’s heart races.

More people.

\--

_ @NoSecretAnymor: Therapist put me in touch w/ more TBI ppl. !!!! _

_ @RosaMartinez: Ooh. Have you made contact yet? _

_ @NoSecretAnymor: No. My heart’s pounding. Not sure if it’s excitement or nerves or what. _

_ @OliverEnfield: That’s my resting state. It means everything. Cool you got more people. _

_ @NoSecretAnymor: Should I feel weird she put me in touch? Feels weird...organized friendship? Like I’m a toddler? _

_ @OliverEnfield: Or, like you’re smart. Making connections. _

_ @RosaMartinez: Networking! It’s smart. It’s a thing people do. So, we have to network to find our community. Doesn’t make us toddlers. Just makes us innovative. _

_ @NoSecretAnymor: I like that...but I’m not sure about them. I hope they’re nice. She says they’re older. _

_ @RosaMartinez: We’re older. _

_ @OliverEnfield: You like us, right? _

_ @NoSecretAnymor: I guess. No, I do. I totally do.  _

_ @OliverEnfield: How is vacation? Olivia’s wondering if Fran needs her tonight? For the thing? Talking to your parents? _

_ @NoSecretAnymor: It’s actually another friend’s night. But thanks. _

_ @OliverEnfield: Oh shit. Right. I meant, she wants to check in w/ her. _

_ @NoSecretAnymor: Just have Olivia text her. Fran will get back to her when she can. And vacation’s...okay. Just miss...being seen I guess. Which is weird, because I spent barely any time around you, Rosa. _

_ @RosaMartinez: Not so weird. We love you, though, and let us know about the new people. At least generally. How it goes. _

_ @NoSecretAnymor: OK. [heart emojis] Bye. _

_ @OliverEnfield: bye _

_ @RosaMartinez: Bye. _

\--

Mariana finally steps out of the bedroom and can smell homemade chicken noodle soup. She settles into a chair, surprised when Jesus brings her a bowl.

“I screwed things up with Levi,” he admits, his voice low, glancing over to where Levi is watching a Disney movie with Fran and Pearl.

“How? What happened?” she asks, taking a bite of soup. “Holy God, who made this?”

“I did,” he says, insulted. “Oh, crap, it has chicken in it. Sorry. And  _ egg  _ noodles. Crap. I’m the worst.”

“Jesus, it’s fine. I make an exception sometimes,” she says. “What happened with Levi?”

“Left the door unlocked...and forgot to tell him I was taking Panther for a run with me and Dudley,” he admits.

“Damn,” Mariana says.

“He says you talk about accommodations a lot,” Jesus points out.

“We do,” Mariana nods. “It’s not new. We’ve done it in The Avoiders, too.”

“But not officially. Not for a while. Maybe not since Levi and Pearl have been with us.” Jesus says.

“What are you saying? You wanna have another accommodation talk? Like, officially?” Mariana asks.

“Kinda? What do you think?” Jesus asks, nervous.

“I think it’s okay for you to have your own ideas,” she says gently, eating the soup. “And I think it’s a good idea. Maybe ask everyone else if they’re comfortable.”

“Right,” Jesus nods. “Thanks. Hey, how was your thing?” he asks, before stepping away.

“Good. She found me more brain people,” Mariana offers, showing her own nervousness now.

“Cool. You gonna call them or something?” Jesus asks.

“Or something,” Mariana agrees.


	53. Tender

Pearl excuses herself when she sees Jesus nod at her. She’s been trying her best to engage with Levi’s movie choice, but all it’s doing is causing an endless ache as she remembers connecting with Levi two years earlier, under the pseudonym Stitch-something.

She’d thought he was a knitter.

She’d thought he was a lot of things.

And Levi hadn’t corrected these assumptions. Not until this past November, when the whole truth came out.

The wound is still fresh. And Pearl will take any opportunity to escape its reminder.

“What’s up?” she asks.

He nods to the stairs and both of them go take seats there. “I was just wondering how you’d feel about having a discussion about accommodations today?” he asks.

“Oh. That sounds fine to me. Why do you ask?” Pearl wonders, confused.

“Because everybody might not be ready to publicly talk about accommodations they might need…” Jesus admits.

“I don’t need any,” Pearl says.

“Yeah, but you might. Someday. Or maybe hearing somebody else talk about theirs might make you realize something you do need…” Jesus explains.

“Fair point. I’m still fine with it,” she insists.

“Okay...so why are you talking like that? Like I’m annoying you?” Jesus wonders.

“I’m not talking to you like anything, I’m--” Pearl barely stops herself from snapping anymore at Jesus. “I’m sorry,” she breathes. “Levi brought over  _ Lilo & Stitch _ and it’s a bit of a sore spot for me…”

“Does he know that?” Jesus asks.

“I didn’t even know it...until he turned it on,” Pearl admits.

“Yeah, triggers can be like that,” Jesus sympathizes.

“Plus...Francesca was mad at me for making decisions for her? Which I wasn’t trying to do at all. I was focused on helping Mariana. Giving her what she needs, which was someone taking care of Fran.”

“What did you decide for her?” Jesus asks.

“I didn’t. That’s the thing. I offered to do her makeup in Mariana’s place, but she was all hung up on the fact that we discussed it without her, and decided on it.”

“Well…” Jesus considers. “Wouldn’t it kinda suck if you had plans to do something with Levi and instead I stepped in instead of him...because he and I talked about it...and you weren’t even there?” Jesus asks, gently.

“Yes,” Pearl moans into her hands. “She said I’m like your moms…and I guess I am. Which is horrifying...because they remind me way too much of my mother...who is someone I don’t want to emulate.”

“I know a lot about being around someone and picking up their...I don’t know...actions, or whatever. Somebody I don’t wanna be like at all.” Jesus shares.

“Right?” Pearl asks.

“So...did you apologize? To Fran?” Jesus checks.

“Technically?” Pearl asks.

“How do you technically apologize?” Jesus wonders.

“I apologized for leaving her out of the discussion we all had. Later on, she was upset with me when she found out Mariana and I talked about me doing her makeup, but I didn’t actually apologize for that, because she walked away,” Pearl explains. She pauses. “I will. I know. I should, and I will.”

“Are you okay?” Jesus asks. “Like, your feelings and whatever? Your trauma? You seem...rattled…”

“I suppose I am,” Pearl glances over to be sure that Levi’s still engrossed in the movie. “My mother’s been in touch semi-regularly about the move.”

“About the--? Oh shit, I forgot about that. You and Levi, coming to California for good,” he brightens.

“Yeah, so unfortunately that means I have to have some contact with her, as the cabin is hers. I can’t sell it. When we get the call that something’s open, it’ll be a dash just to pack everything up, clean it, and get out of there.”

“How is it? Talking to her?” Jesus asks.

Pearl bites her lip. “Business,” she settles on finally. “I keep us on cabin topics only. I go into town to call her, and keep the calls short.”

“That sounds like a lot of stress…and I’m guessing Levi doesn’t know?” Jesus asks.

“He doesn’t,” Pearl confides. “And I know, we promised each other no more secrets, but I know what this does to him, Jesus. I know. And the last thing I want to do is hurt him unnecessarily. If I can just wrap all of this up without it touching him? That would be ideal.”

“It’s your choice...but you’re kinda taking away his…” Jesus points out. 

“How do you figure?” Pearl wonders.

“To be there for you. To decide for himself what he can handle. Plus, if she’s in your life? In whatever context? I think he might need to know. Even if just to protect himself. You know she’s shown up unannounced before,” Jesus warns. 

“I know, I just…” Pearl trails off, as Jesus shivers. “What was that?”

“What was what?” Jesus asks.

“That shiver? What did that mean?” Pearl wonders.

“It means...I kinda left your cabin door wide open this morning, by mistake...before I knew you were talking to her again. Levi was really freaked out by it, even though...he doesn’t know.”

“Jesus…” Pearl shakes her head. “I don’t understand. You’re fastidious about checking the locks at night.”

“I know. I mean, I don’t know what that means, but I can guess, and I know. It’s just...I forgot?” he admits. His ears go bright red. “And I hate admitting that I just space things, because no one believes me. They all think I’m just making it up whenever I need a convenient excuse. But...it’s not that…”

“I believe you...we just...need to be so careful. You know?” Pearl cautions.

“I know. Levi and I talked about it. He left me some notes around, but this...it’s why I need to have the accommodations talk today. Because you and Levi don’t even know I have ADHD. Because I never talk about it. Because if anything ever came up while I was at home? Moms’ first thought was to take me in and have my meds adjusted. Not like, talk to me. Not figure out how to help me deal.”

“Sounds awful for you, but par for the course for them,” Pearl sympathizes. 

“I still need to ask Dom, Fran and Levi how they feel about talking about this stuff…” Jesus admits, just as the movie ends.

Fran bounds over to them with Levi in tow. “That was such a great movie, you guys!” she enthuses. “Have you ever seen it before?”

“I have,” Jesus says.

“I haven’t,” Pearl adds. “Someday, maybe… Hey, Fran? I keep meaning to apologize to you. I’m very sorry that I decided to help with your makeup without asking you first. I’m sorry I treated you like your moms do.”

Fran looks down and bites her lip. “You didn’t do it on purpose, right? Like...it’s not because you don’t respect me?”

“Definitely not, but I can see how it would feel that way to you, and I’m so sorry. From now on, I’ll ask you about things that involve you. And we’ll try very hard not to leave you out of conversations.”

“That would help,” Fran admits. “Why don’t you like _ Lilo & Stitch _ ?” she asks.

“I haven’t seen it, so I can’t judge it,” Pearl says.

“Yeah, but we were just watching it now and you could’ve watched with us,” Fran points out.

“I guess...it’s a bit of a sore subject with me…” Pearl admits, with a glance at Levi.

“Oh, did you watch it with your dad?” Fran asks, knowingly.

“No, this movie...it came out when I was already grown up. So my dad wasn’t in my life. It hurts for a different reason.”

“I’m sorry,” Levi apologizes. “I didn’t think about how it might be for you.”

“I didn’t realize until it started,” Pearl reassures him.

“Hey, can we have an accommodation talk after a bit?” Jesus asks. “After I talk to Dom?”

“Yeah, like my very first time at Avoidance,” Fran cheers.

“What is it?” Levi asks.

“Where we talk about what we each need from each other, for disability reasons, or just in our friendship, I think, right?” Fran asks.

“That’s right, buddy,” Jesus answers.

“Yeah, that sounds good,” Levi agrees.

\--

“Hey! How’s the trip?” Dad asks.

For the first time in years, Dominique feels like she can relax just hearing his voice on the phone. It’s welcome. Not a source of fear. Not at the moment anyway.

“Hard,” Dominique admits. “I wish I could say I was having a blast, and it is great to be here and see everyone. Being together is… It’s good but it’s hard.

“Yeah?” Dad asks. 

“It’s just...I don’t know if I’m being too sensitive or what...but it’s like… Jesus is getting under my skin.”

“You’ve had some issues like this before with him, right?” Dad checks.

“Kinda,” Dom allows. “Because our situations are similar...but then they’re not. So, he says a thing he needs...from all of us...and I can’t do the thing...and then...it’s my fault somehow? But I need to keep myself safe, Dad.”

“Yes, you do. You’re doing the exact right thing. Having boundaries...it’s healthy. It can feel like rejection to people raised without them, but don’t let that make you second guess yourself. Have you been able to talk to him about this?”

“Not yet…” Dominique admits. “He’s… I love my friends. I’d do almost anything for them, you know? But he’s...different. It’s not romantic. Never was but he...kept me alive.”

“The idea of him, you mean?” Dad checks.

“I guess you could say that...since we didn’t really know each other,” Dom admits.

“So, would you say you feel like you owe him something? Or… What’s the feeling?”

“It’s not that… Or maybe it is. I don’t know. But it’s like...everybody knows his story. They’re only just learning mine. And not just everybody in The Avoiders, but Jesus’s story is public knowledge. He can kinda...wield that status to make others feel guilty for not helping him.”

“Is that what happened?” Dad clarifies.

“It’s how it felt,” Dominique admits. 

“So, talk to him, babe. I’m sorry. Talk to him, Dominique. If you need your friends there as support, they’ll be there. His friendship matters to you. So long as that’s true, you gotta hash this out.”

“Alright,” Dominique nods. “Thanks.”

“To the moon…” he says.

“And back,” she responds, hanging up.

\--

Jesus paces back and forth on the landing outside the upstairs bedrooms. Roberta watches him - or more aptly - Roberta watches Dudley.

Finally, Dominique steps out.

“Oh,” she says, startled. “You’re right here.”

“Yeah, sorry. I just...I had a quick question, if that’s okay.” he asks.

“Actually, can I talk to you first? Before I lose my nerve?” Dominique asks.

“Yeah,” Jesus says. 

He watches as she gathers Roberta in her lap and sits in the single chair. 

“Can I sit here?” he asks, gesturing to the footstool.

She nods and takes a deep breath as Jesus gets settled. “When you...got upset with me for not being able to check in with you the way you needed last night? That kinda sucked…” 

Jesus blinks. “Oh. Shit. I’m sorry.”

“Can I finish?” she asks.

“Yeah,” Jesus manages. He should be able to take this. He’s human. Humans make mistakes. But this is his second one today, and they’re piling up fast.

“It hurt that you just...expect that I’d sacrifice my safety for you. And that you needed Mariana to explain what I already said. You know how vital it is to believe each other, and yet you struggle to believe me. You don’t take my word for it.”

“I don’t understand…” Jesus says.

“When you push back….when I say no?” Dominique explains, making an effort to pause. “That tells me you don’t care what I need or what my limits are. As long as you’re taken care of. I need you to take my word for it when I say something. Ask for clarification, that’s fine. But don’t push me.”

“I won’t. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have,” Jesus breathes.

“When you use your power like that...it doesn’t feel safe to me. I get that a lot of people know your story. A lot of people wanna help you. But there’s another group of us out there. Those who wanna help you...but can’t. For our own reasons. I need you to respect that.”

“So...don’t push back when you say no. Ask for clarification. But don’t use my power...and I’m forgetting one thing… Believe you. Sorry, I will. I’ll do that,” Jesus insists.

Dudley whines beside Jesus. Roberta gives Dudley a dirty look.

“What’s happening?” Dominique asks. “Is this what happens when you get feedback?” 

“This is what happens when I mess up twice in a day,” Jesus admits.

“I don’t hate you. I’m not gonna leave. I’m talking to you because you matter. Not because you don’t.”

“Okay,” Jesus nods. “I just… Can I still ask? Is that...using my power in an unsafe way?”

“Jesus, asking questions isn’t bad. As long as they’re not invasive,” Dominique qualifies.

“The thing is...I was thinking about talking about accommodations again. And I wanted to be sure everybody was cool with it beforehand.”

“I love accommodation talk,” Dominique nods.

“Are we cool?” Jesus asks. “Water under the bridge?”

But Dominique looks intently at him. “The thing about water under a bridge is it usually keeps going. Chances are, I’m gonna mess up somehow. Chances are, you are, too. I need to be able to talk to you. And for you to be able to take it.”

“I’ll keep working on my tolerance. And…” he opens up the notes on his phone, adding new ones based on the conversation they’re having. “I’ll make sure to keep what you said in mind.”

“Thank you. I appreciate that,” Dominique says.

“I do respect you. And I want you to be safe,” Jesus says.

“Hey you guys!” Fran calls from below. “Are we having that accommodation station right now?”

“Right now,” Jesus agrees. He glances sidelong at Dominique. “If everyone’s cool with it.”

She nods, leading the way downstairs.


	54. Discussion

Since Mariana can’t psych herself up to contact either of the people Nadiya gave her to contact quite yet, she busies herself with the accommodation thing they’re about to have. She gets out her laptop and puts it in front of her.

“What do you have that for?” Fran asks, curious.

“I’m making us a Google Doc. And I’m sending it...to all of us…” Mariana says as she does. “That way, we all have access to what each other needs. And if it’s easier to type stuff in, we can just do that.”

“That’s a great idea,” Fran says. “...Even though I’m secretly mad at you.”

Mariana blinks, surprised. “Why?”

Fran gestures to her face, but Mari’s still lost. She shakes her head, confused.

“My face is naked. It has zero makeup,” Fran explains. 

“Oh. Didn’t Pearl…?” Mariana wonders.

“It’s not like I just want anybody, Mari. I want you. I thought this was gonna be our thing to spend time together. But you keep deciding things for me - all of you do. And talking without me. And that hurts my feelings,” Fran bites her lip, looking pensive.

“I’m so sorry. I just...I forgot about my thing today...and I didn’t want you to think I forgot about you...or went back on my promise. I wanted you to feel like you mattered. Not like you don’t,” Mariana explains.

“No offense, but it didn’t work,” Fran says. “You’re sorry?” she checks.

“I am,” Mariana confirms. 

“It was just a mistake, so I wouldn’t think you forgot me?” Fran double checks.

“Right,” Mariana says. “But maybe we can make a note in the accommodation doc that we don’t have big conversations that should have all of us, without all of us.”

“Yes, no leaving me out. Or leaving me behind. That’s one of my accommodations,” Fran agrees, sitting down beside Mari.

“Sounds good. Do you have anymore? No deciding things without you?” Mariana says. “You want us to ask you directly, right?”

“Yeah,” Fran nods. “But wait. Are those for real accommodations? Because they don’t feel like...related to my disability especially.”

“But they could be,” Jesus offers, sitting down. “A lot of people discuss you like you’re not there when you have a disability, right? And a lot of people decide things for you, and that...not being asked if you consent? Can kinda feel like trauma?”

“No wonder it does feel so bad,” Fran muses. “Sorry for getting a headstart, I just didn’t wanna make anyone wait for me…”

“We wanna wait for you, babe, remember?” Dominique asks. “For safety.”

“ _ Ohana means family and family means nobody gets left behind or forgotten _ ,” Levi quotes, and then sends a regretful look Pearl’s way.

“Oh yeah. That’s true,” Fran brightens. “Who else has some accommodations?”

“You don’t have to rush through it,” Dominique encourages. “Take your time.”

“I need...to spend time with you guys. Like in a big group, but also one at a time. Even the ones I always see. So I don’t feel left out,” Fran adds.

“Anything you need us to check in about?” Pearl asks.

“I might still have Timothy feelings...but I don’t feel 100% great about talking about them. So maybe if you bring it up?” Fran asks Pearl.

“I can do that,” Pearl nods.

“Just...I’m the same as you. I’m the same amount human as you. So, you should all treat me the same amount human, not less, just because I’m a kid. We get our feelings hurt, too. Even easier sometimes,” Fran points out.

Mariana’s typing. “So...be more aware of your humanness and your feelings.”

“Yeah,” Fran nods.

“You’re doing great at this, buddy,” Jesus says.

“It feels like you’re making fun of me. Calling me a baby,” Fran says.

“Because I said ‘buddy?’” Jesus asks.

“No. I like it when you say that. Just...when you say good job over something small. It’s like you don’t think I can do it. Like Shane’s mom clapping when I climbed the stairs to his house.”

“It’s because, to me? It’s not a small thing. It’s a very big thing. Sharing and being vulnerable like this is a big deal, and I want you to know I recognize it. ...But I also hear you’re uncomfortable with that praise. So I’m sorry.” Jesus apologizes.

Fran nods. “Who else needs accommodations?”

\--

Mariana types on the computer and then shows the screen:

_ I need one person to speak at a time.  _

“I remember that one from last time,” Fran grins. “We’ll keep doing that because we love you.”

Mariana nods and then types again:

_ I need conversation to go slower. _

“Sorry. It’s going too fast?” Jesus asks.

Mariana nods.

“We’ll slow down,” Dominique promises.

Again, Mariana types and then shows her friends:

_ I need lots of questions. Don’t stop asking me. _

“I’ll try really hard to keep asking you. Do you wanna add anything now?” Levi asks.

In response, Mariana types another message:

_ I need to know that you understand that I need more connection to the TBI community. It’s not personal. Having more friends does not mean I love you less Fran. _

“But if you’re spending time with them, you’ll have less time to spend with me,” Fran objects.

“I understood when you needed Nico and Giselle,” Mariana points out.

“But I still need you,” Fran whines.

“And I still need you. I’m not replacing you. I just...really need more people who know what it’s like.”

“It’s okay to have your feelings,” Dominique encourages Fran. “But we need to support Mariana in what she needs, okay? She’s not about to forget about you.”

“But what if all of you want other friends, and then I’m the only one left, and nobody wants to hang out with me because I’m the youngest? My friends from school aren’t even here. And they all do the things I can’t do, or I can, but they don’t invite me,” Fran insists.

“You’re really worried we’ll leave you behind, aren’t you?” Pearl asks.

“Because you guys kinda already are,” Fran points out.

“We’re sorry,” Pearl apologizes again. “It wasn’t nice of us to talk without you. To figure out what the rest of us needed without you. To make decisions about you, without you. That’s happened to you a lot?”

“Thank you...and yeah...every day, basically,” Fran says.

“Today, my counselor said a thing. She said love grows. So even if I contact these new people, I’m still gonna have plenty of heart-space for you, Fran. You’re always gonna be my sister and you’re always gonna come first. If you need something? I’ll be there.”

“Really?” Fran asks.

“Really,” Mari nods.

“Because I just love you a lot and we’ve been through a lot and I don’t wanna ever be the only one,” Fran worries.

“You won’t be. Avoiders unite, remember?” Mariana extends her hand so their bracelets touch.

“ _ Pink goes good with green _ ,” they both say, quoting  _ Wicked _ . 

“I’m so happy right now,” Dominique gushes. “All the musical references. Give them to me.”

\--

Levi hesitates, and then speaks up.

“So...I’m not really sure how this is supposed to work. I feel like we’ve maybe done something similar, but it was really hard for me? Maybe last year? And I just...I need…communication. I need honesty. I don’t do well with secrets, and like, unsaid things…” he glances at Pearl.

“Why are you looking at me when you say that?” she asks.

“Pearl. Come on. I know. I know you’ve been in touch with her. We promised each other we wouldn’t keep secrets and you are,” Levi says.

“Ooh,” Fran says quietly.

“Respect, remember?” Dominique reminds gently. “This isn’t a show. These are our friends.”

“I’m sorry,” Fran says covering her mouth.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Pearl denies, and Levi can see that she does. How she can’t look him in the eye.

“Your whole demeanor changes after you talk to her. How you carry yourself. You’re stiff, and you avoid me for hours…”

“I do not,” Pearl denies.

“Pearl. Please,” Levi begs. “Stop pretending. It’s like Fran said, stop leaving me out because I’m young. It doesn’t feel good.”

“I’m trying to protect you,” Pearl exclaims. “Because I couldn’t before!”

“Denying my experience of you isn’t helping. It’s making me question myself. What you’re doing? It doesn’t feel like protection. It feels like payback. Because I kept Dad from you.”

“Levi…” Pearl sighs. “It’s not payback. I promise you. It’s not,” she pauses to draw in a deep breath. “And I shouldn’t have denied my own behavior. The last thing I want to do is make you question yourself. It’s just… It’s very stressful, and I want you to not have to deal with that.”

“But we’re in this together, right?” he asks. “So treat me like an equal here. If she’s contacting you, that means she probably has plans to come around at some point. I wanna know that. So I can be far away, or at least with my mom, when it happens.”

“And  _ she’s _ my mom,” Pearl points out, wiping her eyes. “She’s my only biological connection. And I can’t trust her. I can’t talk to her about anything that matters, Levi. You have safety with your mother, Levi...and mine? Mine is the very definition of danger.”

In tandem, Levi notices Fran, Mariana and Jesus take each other’s hands and hold on. He remembers, they have unsafe moms, too. And really complex feelings about being adopted kids in a family that also has bio kids.

It makes Levi regret having brought this up, but he knows it’s important. And he knows Pearl has just as much a right to talk about what she needs as the rest of them. So he presses on.

“Can I count on you to tell me when you talk to her? Or at least, to not deny it? To treat me like the safe adult I am? Because I’m not eight years old anymore, Pearl,” Levi presses quietly.

“I know that,” Pearl insists, blowing her nose.

“So tell me when she’s coming around. Admit when you talk to her, so I know,” Levi says. “Please answer me. Respect me that much…”

“I do,” Pearl nods. “I will. I’ll tell you.”

“And let me know what you need. That’s the whole reason we’re having this conversation, Pearl,” Levi insists.

“This is about disability,” Pearl objects.

“And trauma,” Jesus adds. “So, Levi, were you done?”

“I think… That was the main one anyway. I can always go into the doc and add more if I think of it,” Levi admits.

Mariana nods.

“Pearl? What do you need - for example - when you talk to her?” Jesus asks.


	55. Believing

“I really don’t know the first thing about what I need,” Pearl manages, through tears. “How do you know? When you were raised not to need anything?”

“But human beings all have needs,” Francesca points out. “Because I learned in first grade that some things, like candy, are wants. You can live without it. But other things are needs. Like sleep and meals and water and love.”

“And this is about what would make you feel safe,” Jesus reminds gently. “It’s okay to need things here. Would anything help? You said you’d need us to check in with you, even if you didn’t wanna talk specifics on your traumaversary.”

“I got that,” Mariana reassures, showing the document to them.

“I don’t know. I don’t know what would help,” Pearl insists. “I can’t help feeling like I am messing things up so badly… I don’t know how to fix them.”

“So...do you need anything when she calls? Your mom? Like, what could I say? Would anything help?” Levi asks.

“I don’t know…” Pearl manages. “Does anything help you? With your panic feelings? Because I’ve started to have those…” she admits.

“Oh…” Levi nods. “Dad did, too. So you’re not alone, there. Um….what helps me is just...getting somewhere I feel safe?”

Mariana types while Levi speaks.

Pearl comments, “Not really possible when I’m living under her roof, as she sees it…”

“Right...but also...I like hugs,” Levi shares. “Would that help?”

"Hugs...and...safety..." Mariana says as she types. "Levi."

“Not necessarily? I’m sorry, I don’t mean to keep saying no to everything. I’m awful at this.”

“You wanna talk about the shame you’re feeling?” Dominique asks.

“I’m sorry?” Pearl wonders.

“It’s called toxic shame…” Jesus adds. “And it’s...for me...it usually comes if I’m triggered. It helps to remember that I have the right to be safe. That even though I feel in danger, there’s no actual danger.”

“So, I’m blowing this out of proportion?” Pearl asks.

“No, It’s not that, it’s…” Jesus searches for the word.

“Grounding,” Mariana fills in.

“Right,” Jesus adds.

“I hate crying… I just feel so weak...so out of control…” Pearl admits. “And I’m setting a terrible example.”

“You’re not,” Fran insists. “Because then, I know that grownups cry. And it’s okay,”

“Really?” Pearl asks.

“Really,” Fran nods.

“Just to jump in here really quick,” Jesus says. “Fran, it’s not your job right now to make sure Pearl feels okay.”

“But don’t we all make each other feel better?” Fran asks.

“We do,” Jesus nods. “But this felt a little like...it’s called fawning. It’s a trauma thing we do when big people in our world feel some kinda way in front of us. We jump in to smooth things over. And I’m just saying, you don’t have to do that. As a kid? That’s not your job.”

“Okay, so what _is_ my job?” Fran asks.

“You can...maybe offer a hug? Maybe draw a picture? Something like that?”

“But that involved me,” Fran objects. “Pearl said she thought she was being a bad example. People say that about kids. I’m the only kid here. So I should get to say if she’s right or not.”

“Okay. Fair point,” Jesus concedes.

“You’re not horrible,” Levi reassures Pearl. “Everybody makes mistakes. God knows, I’ve made some big ones. And your intentions were good. I get that you wanted to protect me.”

“I did,” Pearl nods, blowing her nose.

“This is a hard thing. Something that we both have to deal with for however long until Gateway calls us.” Levi says.

“The thing is, I’m so used to dealing with everything myself. I lived on my own for...years...before I met you. And I was largely by myself growing up. Expected to just know things. As the most ancient among us...I don’t have older friends. For the longest time, I’ve had no one older than me to ask when issues come up. I have your mom now…” she nods at Levi. “But that still feels very new...and it’s no secret she hates my mother.”

“Sounds overwhelming,” Jesus sympathizes.

“It is. I don’t have all the answers, and I’ve been taught not to ask anything…” Pearl admits.

“But that’s honestly how adults get information,” Dominique says. “They don’t just come knowing everything.”

“It’s okay to ask us things,” Mariana adds. “We might not know the answer. But we do wanna help.”

“And you’re not alone anymore,” Levi adds. “You’ve got me. I’m here. So don’t shut me out.”

“Oh, I got the best idea for a drawing!” Fran exclaims. She excuses herself to go get colored pencils and paper.

“I’ll try not to. I can just...ask if you wanna talk?” Levi asks.

“Or you could send us a message on Avoiders Chat or Polo that says you talked to her? Especially if you know in advance so we can be backup,” Jesus offers.

“That’s a good idea. I never would have thought about that,” Pearl nods. 

\--

“Jesus, what about you?” Pearl asks.

“I guess the main thing I want all of you to know is that I’m feeling a lot safer in the kitchen generally? As long as Moms aren’t around, I feel good about food prep and stuff. It makes me feel good to feed you guys.”

“That’s awesome,” Levi agrees. “I’m happy for you. Did you… I don’t know if this is the time you wanted to bring up any of what you mentioned to me this morning? But you can.”

“Right,” Jesus glances around, uncomfortable. “So, you guys all know I have trauma. But some of you may not know I have ADHD.”

“What’s ADH?” Fran asks, distracted by her drawing.

“ADH _D_. It means my brain has trouble focusing. I don’t think things through. I can...forget to do things...like, even if I mean to do them. Even if you just told me.”

“That sounds like being a kid,” Fran says. “It’s okay that you do all those things, Jesus.”

“Thanks, buddy. But it’s not exactly like being a kid. Because I’m a safe adult and I might need some accommodations to help me out with it. But...the thing is...I’ve been really open about my trauma...but not really about this. Moms kinda...they made me feel ashamed for it.”

“That’s not right,” Fran comments, her eyebrows furrowed at her drawing. “We won’t do that, right, Avoiders?”

“Right,” they echo.

“So...what’s one thing you need? I’ve got the explaining thing down from earlier, so you don’t feel taken off guard,” Mariana explains. “But anything with this?”

“Know that if I forget something, I legitly forgot it? It’s not just an excuse I’m using to get out of doing something. That...I don’t always think things through, and I might need...I don’t know...just understanding I guess? When that happens? Moms usually tried to...I don’t know...take me in hand I guess? But I’m still an adult. I wanna make my own choices. My own mistakes. I just need to know you guys aren’t gonna hate me for messing up.”

“We won’t,” Levi says. “Did you want to share the thing about notes helping?”

“Oh, right. If there’s something you need me to do every day? Leave me a note somewhere I’ll be sure to see it that’s close to the thing. Like, Levi left me one about locking the door, and it’s right by his door.”

Mariana types.

“That’s a good idea,” Fran says.

“Is it helping?” Mariana asks.

“We’re just trying it out,” Jesus admits. “I figure, it can’t hurt?” He glances down at his phone. “I wanna be sure you get a turn, Dom. I just had one thing to add?”

“Go ahead,” Dominique gestures.

“That I’m kinda with you, Pearl, in the toxic shame spiral today. So if you need a friend to talk through that with? Someone who gets it? I do. At least, I think? Making more than one mistake a day is like, terrifying. Especially when they’re major.”

“We’re not gonna leave you if you mess up,” Mariana tells him gently. “Or you,” she turns to Pearl.

“Thank you,” they both chorus.

\--

Dominique’s about ready to start in, when Fran speaks up:

“I know it’s your turn, Dominique, but I just wanted to give this to Pearl first. It’s a picture of Pearl in a blue dress like Elsa. There’s a door between, and this is Levi outside with Panther and Olaf. Levi’s saying, ‘ _Please don’t shut me out again_ ,’ and Olaf’s next to him, saying they like warm hugs. So you’ll remember.”

“That’s so sweet,” Pearl says, taking the drawing from Fran. “Can I hug you?”

“Yes,” Fran says. “Okay, now for real, it’s Dominique’s turn.”

“I guess I’m honestly still feeling pretty raw. The not being believed. Not being taken seriously. It’s a lot. And it’s something I’ve dealt with a lot.”

“Who’s not believing and taking you seriously?” Fran asks, shocked.

“That would be me,” Jesus says softly. “I’m really sorry, Dominique.”

“And I know you are. It’s just...not something I can shut off? I need time, and I need to be able to talk about it.”

“Please,” Levi invites as Mariana types.

“I just...being disbelieved is huge. If I trust y’all enough to actually tell you something about me? Something I need? That takes a hell of a lot of vulnerability, and it’s a risk. To tell y’all a thing I need and have you push back against me saying no? That seriously sucks.”

“Only yes means yes, Jesus,” Fran reminds him seriously.

“You’re right, buddy. And I hear you, Dominique. I shouldn’t have done that. At all. I know it made you feel hella unsafe. And that’s the last thing I wanna do. To use my power like that. I only wanna use it for good. To help.”

“So I need you to remember that no is a full sentence. For everybody. Remember that no is a full sentence. Doesn’t matter if one of us is laughing or serious or whatever. If we say no, whatever it is has to stop. It has to be respected.”

Mariana keeps typing.

“I will. I promise,” Jesus promises. “And I’m sorry I didn’t believe you when you said the things last night and needed Mariana to re-explain. That doesn’t feel good.”

“No, it doesn’t,” Levi confirms. “Pearl used to need to hear everything from you before she could believe me.” 

“I’m sorry,” she apologizes.

“Sounds like we all need to practice believing one another,” Dominique says diplomatically. “Because this hurts. Friends believe each other. We’re honest, and we respect each other.”

“We should,” Jesus nods.

“It’s especially hard, when...my one big memory of not being believed is when...it was happening. When I was being grabbed. And I did everything I was supposed to. I screamed at the top of my lungs. I hit. I kicked. I fought. I yelled out, ‘ _Stranger_!’ so people noticed...but then he...just played it off like I was his kid having a fit, and...everybody believed him. No one looked twice at me after that.”

“So, it’s a deep wound,” Jesus says, looking at her seriously.

“Hell yeah, it is,” Dominique nods, wiping her own tears.

“I wish…” Fran begins. “I wish everybody always believed everybody when they say things - especially kids. It would make the world a lot better, I think.”

“I agree,” Dominique says.

Fran comes around the table and hugs her. “That’s for yourself that’s my age,” she whispers. “I believe her.”

“Thank you, babe,” Dominique manages through her tears.


	56. Connections

After the accommodation talk is over, Mariana just sits for a while at the table, staring at her phone. She has numbers. For both Jessica and Elise. Who should she choose?

Both at once? Would that be weird?

God, she can’t decide. So, of course, that means she’s stuck doing nothing, because executive dysfunction.

“Hey…” Jesus says, coming over and sitting down. “Did you want help? Contacting your new people?”

“I’m just...in a constant state of indecision…” Mari admits. “What if they...don’t really want to do this? What if they’re just doing Nadiya a favor?”

“You have a TBI, too,” Jesus points out, matter of fact.

“So?” Mariana asks.

“So...maybe you’re doing _them_ a favor? Maybe they need you just as much as you need them…”

“Maybe…” Mariana admits. “I just… I suck at making friends. Everybody’s your friend, Jesus. Everyone loves you.”

“Um...do you remember the bash you had on our 16th? You invited, like, the whole school...and they came.”

“Those were....classmates. I wasn’t close to them. Not like you guys,” Mariana admits.

“And I don’t make friends easily. I get creepy people who think they know me asking questions. It’s not an authentic connection, either.” Jesus pushes back a little.

Mariana sighs. “This is the awful day...when Stef was like, ‘You can’t go back to school,’ and then made fun of me...and then they threatened to…”

“To send you away?” Jesus guesses, softly.

Mariana nods. “They packed all the broken shit in garbage bags and left them in the room. And said they had two kids with brain damage, like we weren’t around right then to hear them…”

“I remember that,” Francesca says, walking up to them. “I didn’t know it was today. I just remember I was ten. I’d just had my birthday...and I went from feeling like, ‘ _Yay! I’m double-digits!_ ’ to ‘ _I’m nothing._ ’”

“Two years ago,” Jesus figures, doing the math in his head. “I’m so sorry I didn’t know about this ‘til recently.”

“It’s okay,” Mari and Fran chorus.

“No, it’s not. You guys don’t deserve to be threatened that way, or talked to that way. You are not nothing,” Jesus says, looking at them both in turn. “You’re everything.”

Fran ducks her head.

Mariana looks away, too. “I just...those feelings are there. And so, it’s like...I spent at least 24 hours just panicked, thinking they were gonna send me away...without you,” she nods at Jesus. “And I’d never see you,” she nods at Fran.

“Is this when they said you had to be in and be a patient? You had to go away and stay there?” Fran asks.

Mariana nods. “I didn’t mean to rip your homework,” she manages. “I just...fell...against the desk. It ripped.”

“It’s okay, Mariana, it was math anyways…” Fran says, patting her arm.

Mariana smiles a little. “Anyway, this sucks, because I have all these feelings, and I don’t know how to friend.”

“It’s like you taught me…” Fran offers. “When I didn’t know how to friend. You said to say, ‘ _Hi. My name is Frankie. Do you wanna play?_ ’”

“Except adults don’t usually talk like that. They’re not direct,” Mariana manages. “There are all these rules...and words…”

“But they could be...direct,” Jesus concludes. “You make your own rules in friendship.”

“So, just be like ‘ _Hi, I’m Mariana. Do you wanna be friends?_ ’ Is that something you can do?” Fran asks, curious.

“I mean...I guess…” Mariana nods.

“They’re like you,” Fran says. “So they probably won’t judge.”

“I know...I just like to leave my options open...because things inevitably go terribly wrong.”

“I know,” Jesus offers, sympathetic.

“So...we can stay with you while you talk to them...so it’s not so scary,” Fran offers.

“Thanks. That would help. I just...don’t know how I want to contact them. I hate the phone. And all I have are their numbers.”

“What about...social media?” Fran asks, with a glance at Jesus.

“Yeah. Did you get their first and last names?” Jesus wonders.

“I did,” Mari admits.

“So...you like messaging… You could look them up there? Then, maybe, see if they have Marco Polo or something? Or whatever way works for everybody…”

Mariana pulls her laptop closer and opens Facebook. She searches Elise Evans first. She’s afraid it will be such a common name, Mariana won’t have any idea where to start. So, she starts clicking on results. By the third, she’s shocked.

“Oh my God…” she breathes.

“What?” Fran asks, looking over her shoulder.

“They’re mutuals. Both the names. They know each other,” Mariana manages.

“So, you could contact them together, if you wanted,” Jesus urges.

Mari thinks about messaging them. But they’d have to confirm her to even have a chance at noticing the message, probably.

She has their numbers, though, saved in her phone. So maybe Marco Polo’s a better option.

Opening that, Mari sees immediately the two new suggestions: Elise and Jess. They must have added her number, too. She starts a group with both of them and sends a hesitant message.

“ _Hi. I know this is weird...but Dr. Nadiya Rahman gave me your names...and then I...well...I kinda saw you two are mutuals on social media. I was hoping…”_ She glances away from the camera and toward Fran, remembering what her little sis said, when she met a kid like her. _“I have a TBI, too...and I… Maybe we could talk_?”

  
  


\--

“Did we decide three and three is okay?” Pearl asks from her spot in the living room. “For Fran?”

“I think it’s different when we’re all involved in conversation,” Dominique says, with a glance at the kitchen where she can see all three Adams Foster siblings gathered and talking in hushed voices.

“Huh,” Pearl nods.

“Did you ever get to say what you needed?” Dominique asks Levi.

“For what?” he asks, confused.

“For your traumaversary? April?” Dominique clarifies.

“Hugs and safety,” Levi says.

“That was for panic attacks,” Dominique remembers. “Right? What about just...for now? Like...we keep asking Pearl what she needs this month. I don’t want you to be overlooked, just because y’all happen to share a trauma month.”

“I don’t feel overlooked,” Levi maintains. “Look. I grew up with nobody knowing. Last year was the first time I even...could feel about it. So, I’m kinda in the same boat with Pearl. Other than making it obvious that y’all believe me when I say something? I don’t know.”

Dominique opens the doc and finds Levi’s section to make sure his accommodations are in there.

“But if you think of more...you can tell us...or you can add them…” Dominique says.

“Right. I know,” Levi nods.

Dominique’s gaze travels to the classic pink Kaboodle in the middle of the floor. “Looks like Fran’s waiting patiently for makeup.”

“Yup. By anyone but me,” Pearl ventures. “Sorry, I’m honestly not bitter. I just hate thinking I’m in any way like my mother, and Fran indirectly went there? Comparing me to hers.”

“That was about her,” Levi reminds.

“Also, she’s twelve,” Dominique says, an edge to her voice. “She’s a kid. As a kid, she needs to know we can handle her feelings. That it won’t come back to bite her…”

She’s distracted again, by the makeup case.

“You okay?” Levi asks.

“I feel like...I’m not sure how I’m gonna do seeing Fran made up. Just so y’all two know. I don’t want her to feel bad. I know she loves makeup, and it’s her right to wear it if she wants. Just… I didn’t have a choice.”

“Me neither,” Pearl nods.

“It’s not the same thing. Your mom forcing you to wear makeup to middle school, and my abductor putting me in it, so I could get raped… It’s different,” she over-articulates the words.

“I’m sorry. You’re right,” Pearl apologizes. “It was an inappropriate comparison.”

“Damn right,” Dominique breathes.

“So...what would you need? If you struggled seeing Fran in makeup?” Levi asks softly, making sure Fran’s still involved in conversation.

“I don’t know… Just...remind me she’s safe? She’s wearing it ‘cause she wants to. Not ‘cause she’s being forced.”

“Right, because we don’t do that here,” Levi nods. He opens the doc and notes down what she said. “Fran will see this eventually, but she already knows you have history with this...and I think she’d wanna help.”

“Yeah, I just hate to inadvertently make her feel ashamed,” Dominique ventures. “You can’t help how she reacts. You can only help your own reactions...or something…” he manages.

“I’m with you,” Dominique nods.

\--

Mariana jumps when the Marco Polo tone alerts them all a few minutes later. And then again, a little later.

She peeks at her phone and sees a small red 2 beside the group that says Mari, Jess, Elise. Two messages. Have they both responded?

“Crap,” Mariana blurts.

“Is it them?” Fran asks.

“I think…” Mariana manages.

“Want me to screen it for you?” Jesus asks.

“No, I’ll do it just...stay here,” Mariana insists, gripping his hand.

“Yeah. I’m here. I’m not leaving,” Jesus reassures.

Mariana shuts her eyes and opens the group. Instantly a happy, blonde woman is on screen. She’s sitting in a sparsely furnished kitchen with a blue Kitchenware mug in front of her.

_“Hey! I’m Elise! Dr. Rahman told me you might be in touch, and I’m so glad you reached out._

_“A little about me...I’m 34. I’ve had my TBI for almost 20 years. Um...I live with my older brother, sister in law, and my niece, Grace. She’s 12.”_

“She has a niece named _Grace_ ,” Fran squeaks, and Mariana presses pause. “ _Grace_ , like Pearl’s dog! Also, she’s 12! And _I’m_ 12!”

“Pretty cool. Let’s be quiet, though, so Mari can listen,” Jesus encourages.

“Sorry,” Fran says.

Mariana presses play again.

_“Oh yeah...and Jess and I...we’re totally mutuals. I met her years ago. We know each other well. Our friend groups all kinda fell apart, but brain injury bonding, you know?_

_“I’d love to talk...share...whatever. How are things going? Who are the important ones in your life? Talk soon, I hope. Bye.”_

The next video starts immediately and this time, Mariana sees a woman with auburn hair. It’s curly. She’s sitting on a couch that looks comfortable. Several throw pillows surround her.

“ _Elise, I love you._

_Mariana, I hope I’ll love you. But no promises on you loving me. I’m kind of a mess. I’ve lost basically every relationship that’s ever… You know what? That’s not important - “_

_“ - and it’s not true -”_ another voice interjects.

A young man, about Levi’s age steps into view. _“Hey. I’m Christian,”_ he greets. Then, he turns to Jess. _“And you have me. And AJ. And Coby. So how can you say you’ve lost every good relationship?”_

_“This is my son, Christian,”_ Jess turns to him. _“And you’re right. I just meant...my parents? Most of my friends?”_

_“You’ve got Elise...and now this one...Mariana?” he reads the screen._

_“Right. I love you. Can I have a second of privacy, please?”_ Jess asks.

_“Yup,”_ Christian agrees, giving Jess a kiss on the cheek. _“Bye.”_

_“Bye. Anyway, as you can see… I have an 18 year old son, Christian. And a daughter, AJ, who’s 10. My hubby is Coby - if you know him - Jacob, if you don’t… We were college sweethearts.”_

_“I’m 34. Shit, did I say that already? I’m 34. And I’ve had this brain since I was 20. Um...I’d love to talk. But no promises at being...like...good at interpersonal crap. History shows I’m not._

_“Oh God, and I’m Jess. I’m so sorry. My memory sucks.”_

Mariana laughs. She feels so at ease, particularly with Jess, who she seems to have the most in common with. But Elise is sweet, too, and she asked questions.

“Are you guys cool if I send a Polo back?” Mariana asks. “I won’t show you.”

Jesus nods, but Fran says, “You can show _me_. I want you to. So that the one with the niece named Grace will see you have a little sister named Francesca. Can you at least tell her that?”

Mariana nods. “I’ll tell her.”

She takes a deep breath:

_“Hi,”_ Mariana greets. _“I’m 23. And...I got hurt like, two years ago… Um. Things are going good, but also crappy. Good because friends. Crappy because family._

_“The important ones in my life are my twin brother, my twelve year old sister and our friends… We’re all hanging out together for a couple weeks in Minnesota. From California, originally. I have no idea how to, like, make friends or whatever. Words are hard. But questions help._

_“Your families sound great. I’m not close to my parents. Um… What else do you guys wanna say? How are you? I’ll listen to whatever.”_

The response comes immediately, from Elise. “ _Did you say you’re in Minnesota now? Where? We’re in Brainerd. Jess and I both._ ”

“Where are we?” Mariana whispers.

“Hey, Wests,” Jesus calls. “Where is this? What city?”

“Deerwood,” Pearl answers.

“Any relation to Brainerd?” Mariana asks. 

“Yeah, it’s like, twenty minutes from here,” Pearl nods.

Fran smiles hugely at Mariana. “Oh my gosh. You could go meet your new friends! Or they could come here!”

“Whoa. Let’s not get ahead of ourselves…” Mariana says.

But inside, she’s nursing a small spark of excitement at the possibility.


	57. Makeup

Even though it’s very late for makeup now, Fran is still excited when Mariana asks if she still wants help with it.

“It’s been almost two whole days since I opened it!” Fran enthuses. She’s practically bouncing up and down. She gets ready and opens the case, where it waits, in the middle of the living room floor.

“Let’s...go to the bathroom,” Mariana ventures, with a look over her shoulder.

Fran looks, too. There’s Dominique, watching them really closely. And it makes Francesca remember. She was forced to wear makeup.

(Also, Fran looked at the Accommodation Station on Google Docs and saw the notes about what Dominique needed when she saw Fran in makeup.)

She knows that sometimes triggers happen. That Dominique still loves her. But it’s like, her little self just gets scared sometimes. The part of Dominique that’s Fran’s age.

That’s why Fran walks over and stops in front of Dominique. Then thinks better of it and sits down. “So...I wanted to tell you something…”

“What is it?” Dominique asks, her voice casual, but with something that’s not casual also.

“Mariana’s gonna help me with that,” Fran nods. “But we’ll be in the bathroom. So you don’t have to see.”

“You don’t have to,” Dominique insists.

“Neither do I,” Fran pushes back, gentle. “I don’t have to do makeup. We don’t hurt each other on purpose, and if this is gonna hurt you… I mean, I love makeup, but you’re more important.”

“But it’s...it is because you want to?” Dominique checks.

“Yeah. I got it for my birthday, and I’ve been waiting to try it out. But I can totally just keep strengthening my patience muscle…” Fran insists.

“No. I want you to get to try it if you want to…” Dominique insists. “It helps knowing you want to. And you’re… You feel safe to do this?”

“Mariana’s my big sister. She’s the best at makeup. You saw me on the Polos from Brandon’s wedding day, right? Did that scare you?”

“No...that makeup was… Well, it was different than what I’m used to seeing.”

“That’s the kind of makeup Mari does. She says the trick to wearing it is to make it look like you’re not wearing any...which is weird. But I did like my wedding makeup. I  _ didn’t _ like Veronica…” Fran screws up her face, thinking of the flower girl.

“I remember. That was a hard time for you, wasn’t it? Not being included in the wedding party?” 

“And because Veronica wasn’t even responsible with the ring. She thought she dropped it in the toilet! And then I found it, but Talya lied and said Veronica’s brother lost it, and  _ Veronica _ found it. But I really found it.”

“You did. You really saved the day,” Dominique squeezes her.

“But Moms didn’t care. They never even told her not to lie...Talya. They just said it’s her special day, and don’t ruin it...and they said they’d talk to her about the ring after...I waited and waited...but they never did.”

“How did that feel?” Dominique wonders.

“Well, they never care if it’s my special day. I turned ten years old and two days later, they said they got two kids with brain damage because the universe was in a mood… So, I felt like I didn’t even matter one inch.”

“You matter. You matter to the moon and back,” Dominique insists. “Can I give you a kiss?”

Fran nods and points to a spot on her head.

Dominique does.

“Okay. I’m gonna go get beautified,” Fran insists. “Because I want to. And I feel safe to.”

“You’re beautiful without makeup,” Dominique calls after her.

“Okay, but I prefer my beautifulness  _ with _ makeup,” Fran says over her shoulder.

“That’s fair,” Dom says. “I want you to feel good about yourself. So you have fun.”

“Okay, I will,” Fran insists.

\--

Mariana holds the door for Fran, and then they disappear into the bathroom and shut the door for privacy. She drags the shower chair out of the shower for Fran to sit on.

“I’m so excited. P.S. Dominique says she likes your makeup style that you did for me at Brandon and Talya’s wedding. Maybe you could make that style again, so she wouldn’t be scared?”

“That’s a great idea,” Mariana says. “That was nice. Talking to her first. Thoughtful,” she says, opening the case. “You want Mountain Dew lip gloss again?”

“Yes, it makes me feel like I’m really getting Mountain Dew,” Fran laughs. “I love the wet shiny feeling of this,” she gushes as Mariana paints it on.

“I’m sorry it’s taken me this long,” Mariana apologizes. “You know I love you?”

“Mmm-hmm. But it helps it stick when we get to actually do stuff together. I love the peacock eyeshadow. Can you do that? Even though I’m flinchy?”

Mariana nods. “I know you can’t help it. I won’t be impatient. Hey how is…” she lowers her voice and whispers. “Your period going? Do you need me to wash anything else...like...on the DL?”

“I don’t think so? But I’m so crabby...and I wanna eat everything? But also eating makes me feel sick kind of?”

Mariana nods, sympathetic. 

“What should I do?” Fran asks, as Mariana slowly manages to do her eye makeup. After putting lotion on her face. Then foundation. Then blush.

“Eat slower,” Mariana advises. “Sometimes that helps.”

“I wish my hair could be done, too…” Fran sighs. “Then I’d really look like I was at the wedding.”

“Maybe sometime after your shower...if you take it in the morning...we can do the whole hair and makeup thing.”

“For real, or is it just you wishing?” Fran asks.

“It’s...just an idea for now,” Mariana admits.

“Oh,” Fran says. “Are you still nervous about meeting your friends?”

“I barely know them.” Mariana says back.

“But Elise said they’re in Brainerd. And Pearl said that’s 20 minutes away. I Googled, and it’s actually 23 minutes. If you go meet them, can I please come? Grace might be there, and she’s my age.”

“I… It’s a lot to think about right now. I’m kinda...overwhelmed. But ask me later?”

“Okay,” Fran sighs.

There’s a tap on the door.

“Who is it?” Fran wonders.

“It’s Levi,” Levi says from the hall.

“Do you have to go pee?” Fran asks.

“No...I was wondering…” he says, but doesn’t say what he’s wondering.

Mariana raises her eyebrows at Fran and Fran nods. Mariana opens the door.

“Can I join you guys?” he asks quietly. “I don’t have makeup of my own...but I...like it and...I was just wondering…”

“Yes! You can join!” Fran enthuses. “Come on in,” she invites.

“Can we….? Not to be… But can we...not in the bathroom?”

“We can go to our room,” Fran offers. “Okay?”

“Sure,” Levi nods, breathing a sigh of relief.

\--

Levi feels cautious. 

He hasn’t experimented with makeup since Dad was alive. Not since he dressed as Te Kā, two years ago for Halloween. 

That feels like ages ago.

But it also felt like coping.

It was something Dad knew he did, and never judged. In fact, he got the reference. He supported it.

He’s never experimented with another look, but he’s always wanted to.

“You can use any of this,” Fran offers magnanimously. “Just don’t use this Mountain Dew lip gloss, because it has my germs.”

“Okay…” Levi answers.

“I can help,” Mariana answers. “Do you know what you want?”

_ “I want to disappear,”  _ Levi thinks, but doesn’t voice. And he doesn’t mean it like it sounds. He doesn’t have a death wish. He just wants...to not be him for a minute.

“What?” Mariana asks.

“I want...to be someone else,” Levi manages. “Someone stronger.”

“Mariana could give you some strong makeup, probably,” Fran says.

Nodding, Mariana sets to work, checking with him every step of the way, before lining his eyes in black eyeliner. Using purple eyeshadow above them.

She paints his face with streaks of black, and flashes of other colors. Taking suggestions from Fran, and always waiting for Levi’s consent.

When Levi’s done, he looks in the mirror.

He blinks.

He’s him...but more. He’s powerful now.

It’s everything he’s needed to feel since he was eight years old.

\--

Fran has left to use the bathroom, but Levi’s nervous.

Mariana can see it on his face, behind the paint she put there. It’s in his eyes. Behind the smoky style. The flashes of purple above them.

“You look great,” she tells him.

“Pearl’s never seen me like this…” he admits. “My parents have. But she hasn’t. I’m worried that she… That she’ll…”

“You think she’ll judge you,” Mariana realizes, sad. “I know...she comes from her mom. And her mom has some crappy traits. So does Ana. I’m nothing like her. I resemble her sometimes. Sometimes, I make the worst choices...like her. But I’m not her. And Pearl’s not her mom.”

“I just feel...like… I need her reaction to be a certain way? And I know I can’t control that...and I can’t control her...but I’m scared.” Levi admits.

“Because what if she rejects you?” Mariana asks, quiet. “She’s your sister, and she’s also an Avoider. We don’t make fun. We don’t hurt each other. Right? She knows that.”

“I’m just nervous…” he admits.

“Well… What if you did mine?” Mariana asks. “Then we’d match. Or something. And then all the focus wouldn’t be on you.”

“Do you trust me to do this? It’s kinda...right up in your space...and I know...it might not feel okay.”

“I’ll do the basics...and you can add the flair,” Mariana decides.

She takes her time making sure her face is as ready as it can be. She gives herself peacock eye makeup like Fran, and smoky eyes like Levi and then she invites him to continue:

“There. Decorate me,” she insists.

He picks up the black lipstick and raises his eyebrows.

“Please,” she nods.

She relaxes, because he’s so careful. Because he’s staying on the right side of her face without her having to even ask. He does half, and then she studies it, and does the left herself. Until she matches Levi...and she also matches Fran.

“I love that we used the black lipstick...but not actually on our lips…” he laughs.

Mariana leans toward him, drawn by Levi’s mention of lips, and at the last second, pulls back. “Sorry…”

“I’m not,” he says and leans in, nodding. Waiting for her nod.

She feels like her head is on a string. Like she’s one of those marionettes. She can’t stop nodding.

The kiss is brief. Soft. Almost like a dream. It happens so fast, his hand caressing her hair. His lips on hers.

Then it’s over.

Just in time, too, because Fran’s back in the bedroom.

“Whoa, you look so...wow!” she gushes, bounding on the bed. “I never thought of using black lipstick like that!”

“Do you wanna go show Pearl, Jesus and Dom together?” Mariana asks.

“I might have to tell Jesus you have stuff on your face,” Fran realizes. “And Dominique, too.”

“Good thinking,” Levi says.

They stay in the bedroom as Fran runs ahead into the kitchen. “Attention everyone! The makeup fashion show is about to begin… Tonight, I’m wearing what I like to call The Wedding Look - because I want to - and I’m totally safe.”

Mariana smiles at Levi. He reaches for her hand. 

She takes it.

“And Mariana and Levi are coming next, and they are wearing Creative Black Lipstick Chic, which is black lipstick streaks on their faces. They have smoky eyes and pretty eye makeup, too. But they also feel totally safe, and they’re wearing it because they want to. And it’s still 100% them.”

“Levi’s wearing makeup?” Pearl asks.

In the bedroom, behind the door, Levi gulps. He squeezes Mari’s hand.

“Yeah, boys can wear makeup if they want to,” Fran says casually but firmly. “Maybe it wasn’t like that in the olden days. But now, it is.”

“Okay, okay,” Jesus says. “Thank you for the heads up, buddy.”

“Dominique, are you okay if they come out?” Pearl asks.

“I’m curious as hell. I bet they look stunning,” Dominique says.

\--

Levi’s heart lifts, and he carefully pushes the door open. “I should’ve done black nail polish, too…” he realizes, catching sight of his hands.

“She has some,” Mariana nods. “Just ask her. You can add it if she says yes.”

“Oh my God,” Dominique crows. “I knew it! You two look amazing! God, I’m so inspired right now. I wish I brought my costume stuff.”

“Really?” Levi blinks.

“Uh, yes,” Dominique nods vigorously.

“What about me?” Fran asks in a tiny voice. “Does anybody like mine?”

“Babe, you look so beautiful….” Dominique says, blinking back tears, wrapping her arms around Fran. “And thank you for talking to me beforehand. It helps so much that you respected my boundaries about this.”

“You’re welcome,” Fran says.

“Buddy, you look awesome. I love the eyeshadow….”

Pearl says, “Francesca, you look even more lovely in person than you did on Marco Polo. I love your idea for a fashion show. And I totally understand why you preferred Mariana to help you. You clearly have skills that far surpass mine,” she says to Mariana.

“You guys look awesome, too,” Jesus says, but he keeps a distance. Levi knows he’s nervous about disguised people.

“Thanks,” Mariana says.

Pearl approaches Levi, studying him. He keeps a solid grip on Mariana’s hand. He’s beyond nervous. 

What if she hates this? Hates him?

“I didn’t know you were into this,” Pearl says to him quietly.

“I told you...in the emails...I was Te Kā,” Levi manages, looking down.

“That’s right. You said… Did Dad like it? I can’t recall? Because I had such a different context when I first read them…”

“He did,” Levi admits. He peeks at her. “Do you? It just...it makes me feel really strong, Pearl. And I need you to get that. To see me. Please. It’s like Dominique with her costumes. I’m not hiding. It feels like...I’m showing my true self.”

“Then, I love it.” Pearl says decidedly. “I love your true self, and I’m so glad you feel strong. Is this how you dressed for Halloween that year?”

“Kind of?” Levi admits.

“I’m so glad I get to see it,” Pearl tells him honestly. “You look beautiful. And I do see you.”


	58. Ghosts

Jesus is keeping busy right about now.

He gets that Fran, Mariana (and apparently Levi) like makeup. But he doesn’t. Especially the way Mari and Levi are wearing theirs. (He doesn’t mean it in a judging way, just...the way it obscures their face...it’s concerning. Makes him think of costumed people.)

He’s in the middle of making spaghetti, when he stops to search for the scoop like a claw for the noodles. He doesn’t see it right away, but knows sometimes the drawers get crammed and stuff falls to the cupboard beneath it. So, Jesus opens the door to investigate.

“Oh shit,” he exclaims, soft.

“What?” Mariana asks.

And what can Jesus say? 

_ “I somehow missed that Grandpa or Stef or someone has the exact same set of measuring cups that  _ He _ had in LA?” _

Jesus just stays where he is, crouched in front of the cupboard.

“What is it?” Fran asks. “Jesus, is it a mouse?”

“Nah. You’re safe,” he manages.

_ “You’re safe,” _ he thinks.  _ “But I’m not.” _

“What’s going on?” Pearl wonders. “Do you need me?”

“Maybe…” Jesus manages.

_ Why the hell is he acting like these things are alive? Like they’re a predator?  _ But Jesus knows it’s because they are, kinda. They’re so closely related to Him. And Jesus was exclusively responsible for food, except when He decided to play mind games about it.

And in a second, Pearl is there, crouched beside him. 

“So, it’s not a mouse…” Pearl ventures. “Any kind of critter? Because they’re not my favorite, but I can be brave for you.”

“No, it’s not… It’s…” Jesus swallows. “Why do they have His damn measuring cups?”

“Frank’s? Your grandfather’s?” Pearl asks, misunderstanding.

“No.  _ His _ ,” Jesus repeats, putting more emphasis on the word. “From when I was in LA.”

“Your abductor…” Pearl realizes. She peers into the cupboard. “They have the same measuring cups?”

“And I didn’t realize, and shit. The noodles are gonna overboil.”

“I got it,” Levi calls from behind them, and Jesus knows he’s at the stove.

“What do you want to do?” Pearl asks.

But Jesus feels boxed in. Doesn’t know what to do. 

Suddenly, Mariana’s there at his side, makeup still on. “Hey. It’s me. It’s still me,” she reassures. 

Jesus nods but doesn’t look at her.

He hears Levi pouring the noodles into a strainer in the sink.

“The ugly as hell measuring cups…” he manages.

“Is this like spoons, Jesus? When we were kids? And some kitchen things were dangerous?”

“Sort of,” Jesus manages, even though he can’t remember what she means. Finally, it registers that Dudley’s licking his face.

“Move?” she asks.

And Jesus almost tips over because Dudley is just not planning to move ever. But they manage.

Mariana reaches inside and takes them out. They’re exact...the same garish orange, yellow and olive green that had been in His kitchen all those years ago. The same color scheme as the awful clothes Stef and Lena had given Jesus on their birthday last year.

And she doesn’t even blink as she drops the measuring cups in the trash.

“Mari,” Jesus smiles, uncomfortable. “What if we need to...I don’t know...bake something?”

“Then we don’t need His shitty measuring cups to do it,” she says, definitively.

Just about then the front door bursts open. Jesus clutches his chest and Mariana almost loses her balance. Jesus catches her.

“You scared me,” Fran calls from the living room. 

“Yeah, heads up, you’re entering a space where one-hundred percent of the occupants have intense startle responses…” Dominique comments. She sounds breathless.

“I’m sorry,” Pearl apologizes, and Jesus can hear her stopping by Fran, and Dom to apologize. Then by Levi, who admits he was glad not to be holding a pot of anything when she came in.

Finally, Pearl squats by Jesus and Mariana. “Sorry, are you guys alright?”

“I will be eventually,” Mariana gasps, but she sounds shaken up.

“Jesus? I’m so sorry for scaring you guys, I’d just run home for a second because…” and here, Pearl reaches in her pocket to pull something out.

“Mine are teal,” she says, holding out her own measuring cups. “Is that better?”

“Yeah. It’s a lot better. Thanks, I just… I didn’t realize you’d left and so when you came back it was just…”

“A lot,” Mariana fills in.

“I guess I’m still used to doing things as fast as possible…” Pearl admits. “Perhaps, it’s my own trauma response if something is urgent.”

“Really? You felt like that was urgent?” Jesus asks, surprised.

“Yeah,” Pearl says.

Mariana raises her eyebrows, “If it was any one of us…”

“Right…” Jesus nods. “Well, thank you… It means a lot.” 

Pearl extends a hand to Mariana and one to Jesus, and they stand.

“Do we wanna eat?” Jesus asks.

“Food’s ready,” Levi passes along. “And it’s for all of us. Everybody here.”

“Thanks,” Jesus says.

\--

“This spaghetti is so good,” Fran insists. “These rice noodles are so good. This sauce is so good. This cheese is so good and these meatballs on the side are so good, for people who like meatballs.”

“Glad you like it,” Jesus says.

“And I’m glad you guys like my makeup,” she grins. “I think I feel my best way in makeup, no offense.” she adds, with a glance at Dominique.

“It’s not offensive. It’s your honest feeling. And as long as you consented and you feel safe that’s what matters.”

“I consented,” Fran nods, slurping noodles. “And I do feel safe,” she continues with her mouth full.

“Thank you. Maybe slow down a little bit?” she cautions. “Chew?”

Fran takes the hint and chews. It’s hard when she wants to talk and eat at the same time, but The Avoiders don’t make fun and they don’t mind waiting. She even eats some crunchy garlic toast and swallows it before adding, “So, what are we gonna do about leaving me out?”

“We already said, we’re not gonna do that,” Pearl reminds her.

“Yeah, but how? I go to bed before any of you guys except for maybe Pearl…”

“Ha ha,” Pearl says, but not in a mean way. She’s smiling.

“How are you guys gonna make sure I don’t get left out?” Fran presses.

“I think that’s a fair question,” Levi nods. 

“So, let’s think about it,” Jesus adds.

“What if we say...that personal conversations...or private ones… Those are okay?” Mariana ventures.

“Right, but like, for general Avoiders conversations? Ones where we end up checking in with everybody? Those need to have all of us there,” Dominique finishes. “Sound fair?”

“What about three and three?” Fran wonders.

“What do you mean?” Mariana asks.

“Like earlier today...it was me, you and Jesus. And later it was me, you and Levi. And then Pearl, Dom and Levi, or Pearl, Dom and Jesus.” Fran explains.

“That’s a lot of names…” Mariana manages.

“I don’t think it’s the number of us that matters...unless you think it does…” Pearl ventures.

“What are you asking, buddy?” Jesus wonders.

“I mean, is it still fair? To split in two groups and do things? Do the other three feel left out, or do they feel good?”

“Oh, that’s a good question,” Levi says.

“I like how you’re thinking about these things,” Dominique praises.

“Well, it’s just because I know how it feels to be left out,” Fran says.

“But I think, to answer your question… For me, anyway… Sometimes it feels safer to have the option to opt out,” Dominique says. “Like, I love that you three love makeup. And I want you to enjoy it. But I’d feel better not joining in.”

“Same,” Jesus agrees.

“Okay. Interesting,” Fran says, stabbing a meatball.

“Why, interesting?” Pearl asks, hiding a smile.

“Just...everybody has different things they need…” Fran observes. “And it’s maybe okay to need different things even though we’re all The Avoiders?”

“I think that’s true,” Mariana nods.

\--

After dinner, Levi grabs a jacket and heads out to the dock. At the last second, he sticks his head in and calls. “Hey, Fran? If you wanna come out on the dock ever? Be sure to grab a regular jacket. It’s been cold.”

“And a lifejacket!” she calls back from inside. “And a safe adult! Right?”

“That’s right,” Levi says. “And we’ll always wait for you, so you don’t have to rush.”

“I’m gonna stay inside tonight,” Fran says.

“Sounds good. Dom?” he asks.

“Yeah,” she nods, and leaves with him.

They walk down to the end of the dock and share the big wooden chair, leaving lots of space between them.

“So...do I freak you out like this?” he asks, gesturing to his face.

“You do not,” Dominique answers. “Like I said, I’m inspired. You said you dressed as Te Kā?”

“I did,” Levi nods.

She regards him. “I can see that. Listen… I didn’t… I never knew that you were into this. Costumes and makeup. That you felt the same as me. I heard you tell Pearl. That it helps you be the real you.”

“It does. It’s weird because… On one hand? The draw is being disguised. Not being me. But on the other?”

“You can become who you need to be,” Dominique fills in.

“Right,” Levi nods, breathless. “Or who we needed…”

“Or that…” Dominique nods.

“You don’t think it makes me...weird?” Levi ventures. 

“I think you may be asking the wrong person…” Dominique remarks with a wry smile. 

Levi’s quiet as they watch the sun set.

“What made you know...that you were into this? Cosplay and stuff? How did you start?”

“The Halloween I was thirteen, I was finally out of the hospital and well enough to like, enjoy things… Because that was one of the last memories I had with my family…”

“Trick or Treating?” Levi asks.

“No… My parents took me and some friends to this zombie escape room? My dad and I set a record getting out… So I...decided to dress as a zombie. Seemed fitting. The undead and all. Luckily, my parents supported me and didn’t make rude comments or anything. Mom helped me find costume pieces. Dad steered clear because I needed him to. I watched YouTube videos and started figuring out DIY stuff.”

“That’s so cool. I never made my own stuff. Just had really creative friends.”

“That works, too…” Dominique offers him a grin. “You know...if you ever have an idea for a costume, and can fund it, I’d be so thrilled to make it for you, if I can. Maybe we can go Trick or Treating together this year.”

“Yeah… That sounds like fun.” Levi answers, with a grin. “It’s so good to have someone who gets this side of me…”

“Same,” she says. “So, was Te Kā your first? First time experimenting with costume and makeup?”

“First and last,” Levi nods. “I did it for Dad… Now he’s not here anymore, so I never had a reason to again...until now.”

“Until now,” Dominique nods.


	59. News

Mariana’s just finished cleaning up dinner with Pearl, Jesus and Fran when her phone chimes with a message.

She glances down at the screen and sees:

**Stef:**

_Are you and Fran okay? Please check in. Urgent._

Mariana steps away from the sink and into the bedroom where she closes and locks the door.

She calls Stef back:

“What’s urgent?” she asks.

“Hi, my baby,” Stef greets. She sounds… Mariana has no idea how she sounds. Strange. Emotional.

“What happened?” Mariana insists. 

“Nothing,” Stef says. “I mean… We miss you very much...and I’m… I’ve got this case at work...and I can’t stop thinking about you…”

“What case?” Mariana asks, feeling her heart pound.

“Uh… It’s a rape, honey. A rape case,” Stef says.

“Why me?” Mariana asks. She knows for a fact Callie’s also been through this. And Jesus. And Brandon. So why Mari, specifically?  
  


“It’s Nick… He was… Well, you’ll read about it in the paper, or online...wherever you kids read the news...”

“What? How do you know? How do you know his name?” Mariana presses, feeling betrayal rise in her.

“That letter in your mailbox? I’d seen the return address on it for...for a long time...and I wondered why… Why you didn’t… Well, it all makes sense now. Anyway, honey, I just wanted to hear your voice. To make sure you’re okay.”

Mariana flips over to speaker phone, hoping Stef doesn’t decide to talk more about Nick as she tries to force her brain to multitask and finds the headline:

**_Collegiate Wrestling Champ, Nick Stratos, Arrested; Accused of Sexual Assault_ **

“Mariana? Are you there?” Stef asks. “I just wanted to share the good news. Let you know he’s caught.”

It feels like Mariana swallows the whole world. She’s trying so damn hard...to keep it together...but it’s an impossible task...and she fails.

In a panic, she hangs up and sobs.

Someone’s going to hear. 

And she’s going to have to explain. 

And she can’t explain. 

Because there are no words for this.

She takes a screenshot with a shaking hand and thinks about who she can send it to. Her brain is stuck. It won’t move forward. She can’t do anything but sit where she is, curled on the ground, around her damn phone.

“God damn it!” Mariana exclaims. The sound of her own voice hurts her ears. But once she starts, it’s like the floodgates open. Black makeup is running down her face.

She can’t hear around the blood pounding in her ears.

There are no words.

She can’t stop screaming.

\--

The second Fran hears Mariana start crying, she’s at the bedroom door, knocking.

“Mari. Mariana? It’s me. It’s Fran. Can I please come in?” she asks.

But then there’s swearing and screaming. Fran checks her phone, knowing only Moms make Mariana feel like this.

Sure enough, there’s a text from Lena:

_Have Mariana call. It’s important._

Fran’s about to open the door when Pearl is there.

“May I?” she asks.

“It’s Moms, I think. They’re usually the ones who…” Fran gestures to the door. She shows Pearl her phone for a good measure.

“Understandable,” Pearl says, nodding, with not even a hint of a smile.

“Pearl?” Fran asks.

“Yes?” Pearl says, stopping. 

“Mariana… She’s…she’s not a bad person right now, she’s just sad. Moms probably hurt her feelings,” Fran offers, biting her lip.

“I know,” Pearl reassures. “I’m a safe adult. I’m not going to shame Mariana or hurt her anymore, okay? I’m going to help.”

“Okay,” Fran blows out a breath.

\--

Pearl cracks open the bedroom door. “Mariana? It’s Pearl? Do you need me?” 

“Fuck!” Mariana screams.

“Do you need me?” Pearl tries again. She opens the door wider and an object is pelted in her direction and bounces off her boot. 

Mariana’s phone.

Pearl picks it up. Reads the screen. Sees the headline, and shuts the door, reassuring Fran.

\--

Mariana can barely tell it’s Pearl when she comes. In fact, all she can make out are Pearl’s galoshes - cute, olive green, to the ankle - to identify that it’s Pearl at all.

And Mariana needs her to know. Needs her to get this.

“Okay,” Pearl says, closing the door behind her. “Okay.” Mariana can hear her. Can see her sliding to the floor with her back to the door and then thinking better of it and moving to a chair instead.

Cleo’s snorting.

It helps. 

Weirdly, it helps to hear.

“I’m not going anywhere. I’m staying,” Pearl says. 

Mariana sobs.

“I know,” Pearl offers, sympathetic. “It seriously sucks. And I’m so sorry.”

It feels like hours until Mariana’s able to speak. She stays on the floor, barely moving when Pearl puts a box of tissues near her.

“These aren’t to say stop crying. Just in case you need them,” Pearl reassures softly.

Mariana doesn’t make a move toward the box. She can’t move at all. She hates the idea of being in a bed right now, but she’s so damn exhausted.

She could fall asleep right here.

“Oh. I should be asking questions,” Pearl remembers. “Need help?”

Mariana nods.

“Need a hand?” Pearl tries again.

Mariana nods a second time.

“I’ve got you,” Pearl says gently, walking over and extending a hand. She helps Mariana to her feet and over to the chair Pearl herself had occupied.

“Good news,” Mariana rasps.

“Good news?” Pearl repeats.

“I wanted to hear your voice...and tell you..the good news…” Mariana remembers.

“This is Stef or Lena I assume?” Pearl asks, bristling.

Mariana nods, not indicating which. It doesn’t matter. They both suck equally most days.

“The fucking good news…” Mariana repeats flatly.

“I know it isn’t,” Pearl reassures. “I can see it isn’t. And more than that? I know...that any news of this nature? It’s not good...because it means someone else was hurt.”

“My fault…” Mariana says, the words feeling like lead balloons, weighing her down. Now, weighing down the air around them.

“Because he…?” Pearl asks. “Mariana, the blame for what he’s done rests on him.”

“But...I…” Mariana starts, even though talking is fucking impossible right now.

“I know the guilt,” Pearl reassures. “I didn’t tell either.”

Mariana meets her eyes, all of a sudden. Is it that obvious?

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to cut you off… Or to speak for you. Or assume, I just… I didn’t tell either. He had all kinds of privilege, and a reputation...and…I had…”

“...Nothing…” Mariana fills in.

“Right, but that wasn’t my fault. And what Nick did to you? And his other crimes? Those aren’t on you. They’re on him.”

“But I,” Mariana objects. “If I… Then he could stop fucking being a fuckboy.”

“You could have made a report, yes. But you know as well as I do that the criminal justice system works differently for women of color than it does for white men,” Pearl sighs, knowing.

Mariana nods, defeated. She does know. Fear of what Nick would do if he heard she came forward was one thing that stopped her...but fear of the police was another.

Pearl continues. “He could also stop on his own. Because he’s in control of his actions. And accountable for them. He chose to rape, Mariana. We didn’t choose to have it happen to us.”

Leaning forward, Mariana can’t stop the tears.

Pearl hangs back, instinctively, not touching her. “Do you need...your therapist? The good one?”

Mariana nods, thankful that Pearl mentioned Nadiya. Mariana’s brain gears are so full of trauma and aphasia that...the obvious things aren’t obvious.

Pearl hands Mariana her phone and Mariana forwards the screenshot to Nadiya.

Pearl stays as they talk, bearing witness.

\--

“What’s going on?” Jesus asks Fran as she stands by the door.

“Moms,” Fran says, looking concerned. “Do you think they’re mad she gave me makeup?”

“Buddy, no. I really don’t think that’s what it is,” Jesus reassures. “You wanna go hang out on the porch with me? Mariana’s with Pearl, so they’re both safe in here. Dom and Levi are on the dock and they’re safe with each other.”

“So, you wanna be safe with me?” Fran asks.

“Basically,” Jesus nods. “And I’m not a fan of people in distress…”

“I know,” Fran nods. “But Mariana can’t help it. And it’s not good to shove your feelings inside P.S.”

“That’s very true,” Jesus says, holding the door for her.

They get comfortable on the swing outside, Fran leaning against Jesus.

“Did Moms talk to you?” Jesus wonders.

“Lena wanted me to tell Mari to call them. That it was important. Which I did _not_ do,” Fran says emphatically. “Because we didn’t want to even talk to them on vacation.”

“That’s your choice. And Moms should have been respecting that. I’m sorry they haven’t been,” Jesus says. He looks away from her and then back again. “You look so grown up. Look at you. You’ve got makeup and a crush, and you’re like, twelve…” he says.

“I know. I’m getting more mature,” Fran says nodding. “You didn’t laugh. People always do when I say that.”

“What people?” Jesus wonders.

“Moms. Brandon, mostly.” Fran says.

“Well, they’re not the safest,” Jesus points out. “Safe people don’t laugh at each other. Growing’s a good thing. It shouldn’t be made fun of. Just that I can still see you as that little baby I first met.”

“You loved me, right?” Fran asks.

“I think I loved you first, buddy,” Jesus confides. “Coming home was tough.”

“But I loved you anyways. Whatever way you came. And that’s why you loved me, too.” Fran fills in. “We were buddies from the very beginning, right?”

“We definitely were,” Jesus nods. 

Fran looks off into the distance. “What else is on your mind?”

“Baby Claw....” Fran says seriously. “I’m pretty sure Moms are gonna love him so much more than me. And I don’t know if I can handle that.”

“Yeah?” Jesus asks.

“Yeah,” Fran nods. “They think it’s just like… That sibling thing, but with cousins. Like the youngest kid gets jealous. But it’s not that.”

“I believe you,” Jesus says. “Do you wanna share more?”

“It’s...most babies aren’t born like me… It’s like when Stef had Brandon, probably. And why she loves him the most out of everybody. He has zero disabilities ---”

“--That we know of--” Jesus interjects gently. “Some can be invisible.”

“That we know of,” Fran nods. “But, for real, he probably has zero. Because people without disabilities? Parents just love them more.”

“So, you’re thinking… Talon’s probably gonna be born without disabilities and be more loved than you because of that?” Jesus asks.

Fran nods, cuddling closer to Jesus’s arm. Holding on around it.

“That’s a valid fear. Especially based on how Mom’s have been with you and Mari.”

“But The Avoiders love me?” Fran asks.

“We do,” Jesus says. “We love the hell out of you.”

“I love the heck out of you. I won’t love any new baby more than I love you. I’ll love everybody the same,” Fran vows.

“I love how much you care about others’ feelings, buddy,” Jesus says. “I’m always gonna love you. I love you more every single day.”

“Whoa,” Fran says. “That’s a lot.”

“That’s a lot,” Jesus nods and rests his head on hers.


	60. Care

Dominique comes inside with Levi, and can feel instantly that something is different. Coming in the back door, it’s eerie, the quiet.

“Where is everybody?” Levi wonders.

“I don’t know,” Dominique breathes, but she notices the closed bedroom door, and can just make out lowered voices there. She starts checking rooms - ones with doors left ajar - but there’s no sign of anyone.

Levi’s joined her silently. He’s checking behind furniture. Smart. In case Fran’s hiding due to whatever it is.

“We leave for two seconds…” Dominique remarks softly.

“I found Fran and Jesus,” Levi calls and Dominique follows the sound of his voice to the front door. She pokes her head out.

“Hi,” Jesus greets.

“We just walked into an empty cabin,” Dominique points out. “I’m not amused.” She remembers too clearly when Levi vanished last spring. Gone for hours. And Fran going missing months later, on the pretense of giving The Avoiders a break from her.

She hates it when they vanish without notice.

“It’s not empty,” Fran objects. “Mari and Pearl are in our room.”

“Ah.” Dominique nods. “Is anybody gonna tell us what’s up?

Fran looks to Jesus. 

He says nothing. 

“We’re not sure. Well, _I’m_ not,” Fran qualifies. “Because privacy,” Fran says. “So, we were just talking about Baby Claw instead. My baby cousin, from Brandon and Talya."

"Nephew," Jesus corrects gently. "Not cousin."

"Whatever. Baby relative human. When he gets here. They’re naming him Talon. That means Claw. I Googled it.”

“Alright,” Levi says, casting glances inside the cabin. “Are you sure we shouldn’t… I don’t know...help?”

“Pearl’s there,” Jesus says. 

“I know,” Levi nods.

\--

Fran’s phone vibrates and she jumps. Before anyone can see who it is, Francesca picks it up and presses the button to put it on speaker. “Hello?”

“Francesca, it’s Mom. How’s Mariana, love?” she asks.

“I don’t know,” Fran says, making a ‘yikes’ face at the rest of them. 

“Can you please take the phone to her?” Stef presses.

“I can’t. She’s busy,” Fran manages.

“Well, can you please tell her I didn’t mean to overwhelm her with the news?” Stef tries again.

Fran gets a sinking feeling. The last time anything was news, they told them all Grandpa died. She takes the phone off speaker, and walks a little ways away from them. To the picnic table.

“What news?” Fran asks.

“The person who hurt Mariana...he got arrested,” Stef shares. “I really thought she’d be happy. He’s off the streets now. He can’t hurt anyone else…”

“Did he do it again?” Fran asks, avoiding the word, because Stef is.

“He hurt another girl, yes, but he’s in jail now,” Stef says. 

Fran can’t think beyond her fear. She didn’t know he was just out raping people this whole two years. 

“How are you, honey?” Stef asks.

“Fine,” Francesca answers. (She’s not. She’s the least bit fine it’s possible to be. She’s un-fine. But she can’t tell Stef that.)

“Anything you need me to know?” Stef asks.

Fran’s mind is on a roll:

_Stop calling us. I got my period. Stop calling us. Also I have my first crush. It’s on a girl. Stop calling us. We’re getting bullied every single day, but I really want you to stop calling us._

“Nope,” Fran answers.

“Okay…” Stef says. 

Fran hears other voices, and then Lena’s there. 

“Hey, how are you, Fran?”

“I’m fine. I already told Mom,” Francesca insists.

There’s this weird silence on the other end, until Fran fills it. “Um...how are you guys?”

“We miss you both. We had a scare today with Talya and the baby. We thought she might deliver early, like I did with you. Thankfully, it was just false labor. And she’s just over a month from her due date, so the baby would most likely be fine.”

“Oh,” Fran says, nodding, even though the words Lena’s saying hit Fran all wrong.

“Well, I don’t want to keep you from your friends, honey,” Lena says.

“Okay,” Fran answers.

“I love you so much,” Lena says.

Fran wants to say _yeah right_ , more than anything right now. But she can’t say anything at all, so she just hangs up.

For the first time in a while, her skin starts to itch. She doesn’t have a bug bite or any reason. Except for trying to cope. She can sense the Magic Carpet, hanging out in the corner of her mind, in case she needs to smooth any feelings over anymore.

She blinks back tears and tucks her phone away.

“Hey, babe. What’s up?” Dominique asks, sitting down beside her.

And that’s all it takes for Fran to lean against her sobbing.

“I’m right,” she cries, breathless. “I’m right…”

“Oh, no…” Dominique says and holds her close. 

Her eyes sting and Fran realizes she’s crying off all of her makeup right now. She’s crying so much she’s definitely gonna scare away Jesus and maybe Levi, too. But she can’t help it.

Dominique just holds her and pats her gently. Eventually, it’s like she’s singing her thoughts. They go: “ _Words fail. Words fail. There’s nothing I can say_.” It sounds like something from a musical but Fran can’t ask which one.

She just keeps on crying. Dominique keeps on holding her. It goes on forever until finally her tears stop. Fran feels gross. Her nose is running and it’s cold out here.

She wipes her nose on her sleeve even though it’s a new shirt. Even though Moms would hate that. “Can we talk in your room?” she asks.

“Sure, babe,” Dominique says.

\--

“I seriously hate my moms sometimes,” Jesus seethes quietly, watching Fran cry against Dom before averting his eyes again. No one likes to be watched when they’re upset.

“You won’t get an argument from me,” Levi says. “Now I’m seriously worried about Mari, too… Do you think? I mean, you heard… Stef asked to talk to Mari. Do you think they said something to her?”

“I think it’s a pretty safe bet…” Jesus says. “But if she wants to talk - and if she can - she will. But let’s not talk about her.”

“Right, sorry…” Levi apologizes.

Fran and Dominique pass by them then. Heading inside.

\--

Pearl just sits off to the side in Mari and Fran’s room, while Mari texts her therapist. She excuses herself to go to the bathroom, but returns promptly.

Mariana looks fit to fall asleep right where she is in the chair.

She keeps jerking her head up, to stay awake.

“Do you want to…?” Pearl asks, nodding at the bed. “I can stay,” she offers.

Pearl’s phone chimes and she sees the thumbs up emoji from Mariana.

“Hope you don’t mind if Cleo joins us…” Pearl comments softly as she takes off her boots and gets into bed. Mariana climbs in, too. Cleo curls up right between them.

\--

Mariana doesn’t know what she’d do without Nadiya. Without Pearl. Without Rosa. She’s needed all of them tonight.

She needs Nadiya to calm her down and remind her she’s safe. She needs Pearl to actually be here for her and add to her sense of safety. And Rosa...who is gonna be so pissed when she finds out what Moms did tonight.

All Mariana had managed to do was send the screencap and a message:

_S thought I’d be glad to hear the “good news.” I’m wrecked._

Rosa being pissed always helps Mariana exponentially. It’s like...Mariana’s own anger feels huge. Unpredictable. People think it makes her dangerous. But Rosa’s anger...tells Mari she’s valid. Okay. She matters.

Even though Rosa shouldn’t have to exhaust herself being pissed for Mari. 

Cleo snorts right next to Mari’s head. She reaches over absently to pet her, before remembering not to, and she takes her hand away.

It’s still light enough that Mari can see where she is. She can’t shut her brain off even though it’s beyond exhausted. She grabs a spare shirt she brought just to cover her eyes, like Rosa taught her.

“Sorry,” she manages, once everything’s blocked out, as much as it can be. It’s one of the words that’s almost always there. So she uses it as an opener, when there are no others. And because she is. So damn sorry.

“You haven’t done anything wrong,” Pearl objects. “Did you...wanna talk?”

“Okay,” Mari answers.

“Stef really thought you’d be happy to hear that…” Pearl remarks.

“I guess… Or...she wanted to...whatever. Hear my voice,” Mariana manages to fill in.

“Right. It doesn’t sound like she called for you at all. It was for her.” Pearl deduces.

“Mm-hmm. Are you… I mean...I know you… It’s almost your thing and…” Mariana tries, but her brain-gears are covered in sludge and they turn agonizingly slowly.

“I’m alright,” Pearl reassures. “Thank you, though. For thinking of me. How are you?” 

“No idea. Empty,” Mariana allows. “Hollow. The bones someone hides in the closet.”

“ _You_ feel like a skeleton in someone’s closet?” Pearl asks, surprised. “How come?”

“I’m his shame. Times however many others. I’m the thing they used. Forgot about. I’m...discarded.”

Pearl listens. “You feel you are shameful, like their shameful acts. Because the acts were done to you?” 

“Right,” Mariana nods.

“That makes a lot of sense,” Pearl nods. “Rape is… It’s personally violating in a way no other crime is, I think. I’ve heard it equated to a type of murder. Like, the killing of who we could have been.”

“Then, I’m down to about...one life…” Mariana manages.

“Should I ask how many you started with?” Pearl wonders, swallowing.

“Ana...used to say, ‘You’re the cat with nine lives,’ about me and Jesus.” Mariana shares.

“I believe you,” Pearl says.

“I don’t know what I’m saying anymore. My brain’s just…” Mariana mimes an explosion.

“I still believe you,” Pearl repeats, sure.

“Okay,” Mariana says.

She closes her eyes and tries to sleep.

\--

Dominique holds Fran’s hand and they walk to the stairway together. When they get there, though, Fran drops down on all fours, preferring to climb with her hands on the stairs instead of relying on the too-big railing.

When they get to the top, Fran scurries to the other side of the landing, far from the stairs and into a chair.

Dominique offers her hand again and invites her into the room she’s staying in.

“I’ve never been in here,” Fran says. “I mean, duh. I have. Oh my gosh, I’m dumb. I used to stay up here when I was just little.”

“Hey. You’re not dumb. You were young. It’s hard to remember things that happened when we were young,” Dominique reassures her.

They get inside and Fran closes the door behind her. Then she blurts. “Talya...she… She almost had Talon super early. But Lena was like _“Luckily not as early as you, so he would’ve been fine,”_ or something.

“Oh God…” Dominique says. “I’m so sorry she said that, babe.”

“I feel bad calling him Baby Claw…” Francesca admits. “I didn’t know he almost got born today....”

“I know. It’s not your fault. You didn’t know,” Dominique reassures.

“But it’s good to call people by their names. Even babies, right? So I shouldn’t have been nasty about Talon’s name just because of Moms loving him more…”

“You’ve got a lot going on,” Dominique observes.

They’re both on the bed. Fran slides down and gets comfortable, with her head in Dom’s lap.

“You want me to stroke your hair?”

Fran nods.

Dominique does. “You said, you were right? What did you mean?” 

“That she does love him more. That she’s glad he doesn’t have CP and all that.” Fran sighs.

“I was hoping you meant something else…” Dominique admits. “You don’t deserve to feel inferior.”

“I’m used to it,” Fran says.

“But you shouldn’t have to be,” Dominique says.

“Can I sleep here?” Fran wonders.

“You sure can,” Dominique answers. “And I love you a lot. You know that? I’m so glad you’re in my life. And I wish I’d been around to love you all of yours.”

“Ten was my hardest year, so I think you found me just in time…” Fran admits. “Because back then I didn’t have anybody and nobody was here for me. And even though Mari and me were in the same house, it was like we weren’t. They kept us apart.”

“That’s not fair,” Dominique says.

“Nope,” Fran says. She yawns. “I love you a lot, too. And I wish I could’ve saved both you and Jesus from the bad people. And Mariana, too. And Pearl and Levi.”

“What about you?” Dominique asks.

“You guys already saved me,” Fran says, drifting off to sleep.

\--

When he’s alone that night, Levi takes several pictures of himself in the makeup Mariana did. He wishes they’d gotten a picture together. Belatedly, he thinks about asking if Dom might’ve taken some on the downlow.

He won’t ask now. Maybe later, though.

Levi still feels good in this. Strong. Like this is who he’s meant to be. 

Even though he knows superheroes aren’t real and he knows that walking around in a ton of face makeup isn’t safe for him - especially in this town - he wants to. God, he just wants to walk around feeling like he should be here. Like he deserves to take up space.

This version of him doesn’t shrink for other people.

It feels good.

Levi takes one last look at himself and then washes his face. As the makeup comes off, and he transforms back into himself again, Levi feels how Superman must feel every time he goes back to being regular old Clark Kent.

It’s depressing.

But he remembers the Dock Talk with Dominique tonight.

Maybe she’ll have some good costume ideas.

Maybe they can think together.

“You coming out?” Jesus asks from outside the bathroom.

“Yeah. Sorry,” Levi says, opening the door.

He doesn’t miss the sigh of relief that escapes his friend as he takes in Levi’s makeup-free face.

“It’s all yours,” Levi says.

“Nah, I don’t… I mean, I just… I feel like we haven’t really talked since this morning when I epically messed up, and...I don’t know? Are we cool?”

“We’re cool,” Levi reassures Jesus. “We got the Post-Its up. I know what you need. You know what I need. And together, we’re gonna do our best to make that happen.”

“But?” Jesus checks.

“No, but,” Levi says.

“You seem...I don’t know...bummed?” Jesus asks.

“I know you hate it but I… I kinda miss the makeup. You know Mariana did it?” Levi asks.

“Of course,” Jesus nods. “I had no doubt. She’s always been hella skilled like that… And… You could, you know? Wear it? I might get used to it?”

“Yeah, but you shouldn’t have to. Like if it makes you uncomfortable for trauma reasons,” Levi says.

“But here and there. You know. If you wanted to…” Jesus shrugs. “Experiment? I’d be cool with that. As long as I had a heads up.”

“Really?” Levi asks. 

Jesus nods, scratching Dudley behind the ears.

“I’ll have to check with Fran and Mari. See if they wanna do another makeup day sometime.”

“Good, you should,” Jesus says. “Hey, I checked all the doors and windows. We’re solid. Everything’s locked.”

“Thanks,” Levi calls. “See you in the morning. You can have snacks or whatever. Make yourself at home. Use whatever you need.”

“Cool. Night, Levi,” Jesus says, leaning back on the couch.


	61. Ideas

Fran wakes up so confused, until she hears Roberta purring and Dominique breathing next to her.

Oh yeah, she fell asleep in here last night.

Dominique’s still asleep, and Fran’s eyes feel dry and tired from all of the crying she did yesterday. Thinking about Talon still does it to her. Thinking about Moms and how they’ll love him more than her does it.

Hesitating, she picks up her phone. She wants to text Bella really bad. But it’s early, and she’s still on vacay.

But she opens her texts up anyway and sees one that catches her eye:

**Giselle:**

_Hi. Do you want to come to camp with me?_

**Fran:**

_Yes. What camp? When?_

**Giselle:**

_In the summer. It’s the camp that you get to go to if you have CP I think._

**Fran:**

_IDK if my parents will let me. They don’t like me hanging out w people w CP too much._

Fran sees another text come in and checks on it:

**Laura (Giselle’s mom):**

_I can talk to your parents about camp if you want to go. Camp Bravery. Very cool._

There’s a link and Fran can hardly wait to click on it. Bravery like Gryffindors. This sounds like a camp for Francesca, for sure.

Right away she sees pictures of a very pretty camp with lots of nature and sidewalks and everything color-coded with signs. There are pictures of cabins that are very large. And a swimming pool with a ramp into it. And horseback riding. And a climbing wall. Everything is for kids like her to do.

She doesn’t even want to ask moms, to be honest. She just wants to ask Mari if it’s okay. Mari’s an adult and basically takes care of Fran every day anyways.

But one thing makes her stop short - well, actually, two things.

Number one is the actual kids with disabilities. She’s never met any except for Giselle and Nico. Her and Nico have only hung out like two times. And she only plays with Giselle at their house, not at Fran’s own, because it’s not accessible, even with the railing on the steps. She doesn’t go to school with any other kids like her. Kids like her kind of make her nervous or uncomfortable, even though she does want to know them.

Number two is that Fran’s just remembering Mari had a super hard time yesterday from Moms. So she might be better off checking with Jesus. But she really does want Mari to know first.

Fran can hardly keep her excitement inside. She texts Giselle again:

**Fran:**

_Have you ever been to Camp Bravery?_

**Giselle:**

_No, it’s for ages 10-18. This is the first time I am old enough. I want to go, but not by myself. Will you please go with me?_

**Fran:**

_I do want to but I have to ask first._

**Giselle:**

_You can ride with us, Mom even said. She will drive us and help us get all settled._

**Fran:**

_Wait. How much does it cost? I probably can’t go if it is a lot of money…_

There’s a big pause and then Laura texts again:

**Laura (Giselle’s mom):**

_Don’t worry about money, Fran. There are ways to cover the cost. If a kid wants to go, but can’t pay, the camp makes sure they can still go._

**Fran:**

_Okay I will ask. Here goes…_

\--

Dominique’s aware of Fran awake and texting beside her. In the seconds before it hits her:

She and Levi missed the sunrise.

Well... _she_ missed the sunrise. It’s entirely possible that Levi saw it without her. Levi watched a million sunrises with his dad...without her before they even met.

What makes her think that he’d always wait for her?

Still, Dominique checks her phone for missed texts.

None from Levi.

“I have to text my moms…” Fran confides. “And I’m scared.”

“What’s up?” Dominique asks, shifting gears.

“Giselle asked if I want to go to summer camp with her, and I really do, but I have to ask Moms for their permission and I don’t think they’ll let me go. Crap. I wanted to tell Mari first,” Fran claps a hand over her mouth.

“It’s alright,” Dominique reassures. “What are you most worried about with talking to your moms?”

“All of it,” Fran says. “Talking to them. Ugh, and I don’t even get to talk to Dr. H. until Thursday! And she usually helps with this stuff!”

“I hear you’re scared...and frustrated. How can I help?” Dominique asks.

“You can’t,” Fran manages. “You can’t make them magically okay with letting me go to a camp of kids with disabilities. You can’t make them magically okay with paying however much it costs. They always say they had three kids in college and one in the hospital and they don’t have money for anything else because they’re super in debt.”

“Babe, that’s such a lot to worry about. And money is a grown folks’ problem,” Dominique says gently. “You shouldn’t have to think about that.”

“Except I do,” Fran sighs. “Giselle’s mom says she’ll talk to them but… Nothing good ever works out for me. You know? Everything always falls apart. So, it’s like, why do it? Why even try?”

“Because sometimes new things are worth it. Think about if you never gave us a chance? The Avoiders? Now, you’ve got all of us in your corner for always. And if you can to go to summer camp, you’d meet kids your own age. Kids with CP like you and Giselle.”

“I know,” Fran says, wiping her eyes. “And I really want to. That’s the problem. I have to stop hoping. For when it doesn’t work out.”

“No, you do not,” Dominique says gently, giving Fran a hug. “Never stop hoping.”

“You really think I can do this?” Fran asks.

“I really do,” Dominique nods. “And I think having Giselle’s mom so ready to help is a good thing, too. So if they have a bunch of questions you can just say, ‘Giselle’s mom knows.’”

“That’s a good idea,” Fran says. “Okay. I’m gonna try.”

\--

Lena rolls over in bed just in time for her phone to start ringing with Fran’s ringtone. She jumps up and grabs it. 

“Honey? What is it? What’s wrong?” she asks.

“Nothing,” Fran says, sounding confused. “I just wanted to ask you something…”

“It’s six in the morning, Francesca,” Lena points out. 

“It’s eight,” Fran retorts.

“There’s a time difference, remember?” Lena prods gently. “It’s two hours earlier here. So, I thought there was some kind of emergency.”

“Oh. Sorry,” Fran apologizes.

“What did you need?” Lena asks.

“Mama? Can I? I mean, Giselle is… She’s gonna go to this summer camp in June, and she asked me to go. Her mom knows all about it, so if you have questions, you can ask her. I just really want to go, and so I wanted to check with you…”

“You want to go to summer camp?” Lena asks.

“Yeah…” Fran answers.

“Why is that? I mean, what is it about this camp?” Lena asks, trying to wake up. Luckily, Stef’s already at work for the day, so she doesn’t have to worry about waking her.

“Well...it’s kinda for kids like me?” Fran ventures. “Giselle said it was, like, for kids with CP or something.”

Lena’s quiet, thinking. She doesn’t want to imply shame by telling Fran she shouldn’t want to go...but she’s never shown an interest in anything disability-related before. If she’s honest, before the workshop, she’d been fine with Fran educating other nondisabled kids, but the idea of her befriending kids like her made Lena uneasy...because it opened the door to a world Lena knew nothing about.

“Your nephew’s going to be here by then. Are you sure you won’t be wanting to spend time with him?” she asks Fran weakly.

“Well...he’s coming on May 10th, right? Camp isn’t until sometime in June. That’s still a long time I’d have to get to see him, and know him,” Fran points out.

“We don’t really have that kind of money, sweetie,” Lena objects, feeling like a first-class heel. But it is the truth. Sending Callie, Mariana and Jude to college and then Mari’s accident had cleaned them out.

They’re making due. But they don’t have much of a budget for fun trips.

“But Giselle’s mom said there’s a way. Please. Just talk to her? I really want to do this, Mama.” Fran begs.

Lena sighs. “Alright. I’ll look into it. What’s the camp called?”

“It’s Camp Bravery....”

“That sounds familiar…” Lena’s out of bed and rifling through a three ring binder. “Yes. That’s the same camp run by Nothing About Us Without Us. I bet it has some of the same staff.” This, at least, has Lena feeling a bit better. Thinking of Olivia possibly being there for Fran feels like something, at least.

“So, Olivia might be there, even?” Fran asks, tracking right with Lena.

“Maybe. Listen. I’m going to talk to Mom. And then I’m going to make some calls. We’ll do our best to make this work, honey, okay? I hear how much it means to you.”

“Thank you, thank you, thank you!” Fran says, sounding happier than Lena can recall. 

“Is vacation going okay? Are you having fun?” she checks.

“Yes, and thank you for letting us come on this trip,” Fran says.

“You’re welcome. I’ll let you know what we find out. And I’ll call Laura Smith and see what she has to say.”

\--

Truth be told, the idea of calling Laura Smith has Lena’s hackles up. It’s awkwardness that she hasn’t yet encountered. How do you start a conversation with the woman who unwittingly taught your son while he was kidnapped?

It was strange enough, Fran befriending her daughter, but Jesus seemed happy enough to shuttle Fran back and forth and be sure they could all continue to build their connection to one another.

To bide time, Lena showers and does some chores around the house. She checks Brandon and Talya’s baby registry to make sure they aren’t still needing things like a carseat or a crib. Luckily, the baby shower took care of that.

She calls Talya, knowing she hasn’t been sleeping well, to check in on her.

And then, finally, Stef.

“Francesca called me at 6 AM,” Lena begins. “She wants to go to summer camp with Giselle.”

“Jesus’s teacher’s daughter?” Stef asks.

“I know. It’s a little weird. And here’s the thing. She wants to because it’s… It’s a camp for kids with disabilities.”

“Okay.”

“And it’s run by NAU,” Lena adds.

“So, what’s the problem?” Stef wonders.

“Sending a kid to camp is expensive…” Lena says. 

“I sent Brandon to summer camp when he was little. They had scholarships for families who couldn’t afford it. I’m sure NAU has something similar. Raising disabled kids isn’t cheap,” Stef points out.

“You’re right,” Lena nods. “I guess I’ll call Jesus’s teacher…”

“His… Oh. Right. I don’t envy you that conversation, love. Good luck.” Stef says.

“Are you alright?” Lena asks.

“Fine,” Stef says.

“You’re grinding your teeth at night again. Are you sure?” Lena presses.

“It’s an arrest I made,” she confesses.

“For kidnapping,” Lena guesses.

“No. Not for kidnapping. I’ll be fine. Let me know how the phone call goes,” Stef insists. “I have to run.”

“Alright, I love you,” Lena says.

“You, too,” Stef returns and hangs up.

\--

Finally, there’s no more putting it off. She’s had Laura Smith’s number since December, when Fran first started going over there. But she’s never needed to use it, since Jesus took care of all the driving.

Lena takes a deep breath and dials.

“Hi, Lena. So glad you called!” Laura greets.

“Yes, well, Fran’s very excited about the idea of summer camp…” Lena begins.

As they talk, though, Lena can’t shake the thought that while Jesus had been missing from their lives, Laura had known exactly where he was. 

The trouble was, she hadn’t known _who_ Jesus really was.

“Lena?” Laura asks.

“I’m sorry. I can’t stop thinking about… You were Jesus’s teacher, and he still trusts you. Very much.”

“He seems to, yes,” Laura answers carefully.

“I just wanted to thank you. For being there for him...when we couldn’t be.” Lena says, choking back tears.

“Of course. I wish I had done more,” Laura manages. 

“You couldn’t have known what was really going on,” Lena insists.

“I didn’t know what was going on, but that just means I should have been paying more attention. Jesus tried to tell me, Lena. He tried to tell all of us.” Laura admits.

“Let’s, um… Let’s talk about this camp,” Lena says, sounding uncomfortable.

They can’t change the past.

Lena knows it will likely sit between them, large and unwieldy, something they have to navigate around for as long as their kids are in touch.

“Yes, let’s…” Laura says, sounding less bright now.

Lena takes a deep breath, and dives in.


	62. Aftermath

Mariana wakes up to a tapping on her shoulder and a whisper in her ear:

“Mari. Hey. It’s after noon, and guess what?” Fran whispers.

“Hmm?” Mari asks.

“I might get to go to summer camp!” 

When Mariana opens her eyes she can see that Francesca is practically vibrating with excitement.

“That’s exciting,” she says. “I know I don’t sound excited for you, but I am.”

Fran sits on the bed beside Mari, and it’s not until now that Mariana even realizes Pearl isn’t in here anymore. Neither is Cleo. She remembers both of them get up early.

“Stef...she told me… The thing she told you… Why you got so upset,” Fran admits. “She was trying to get me to take the phone back to you, but don’t worry. I didn’t.”

Mariana gives Fran’s shoulders a squeeze. “Are you okay?”

“I didn’t know he was just out raping people this whole time,” Fran admits softly, like she’s had these words in her head for a while.

There’s not much Mari can say to that. Scaring Fran with statistics or facts won’t help. But Mariana can’t protect Fran from the truth. She’s never believed in that. “Sometimes...bad people...they keep doing a thing until they get caught.”

“That’s rude,” Fran decides. “I mean… I didn’t mean it like NBD. I meant that it really _is_ rude.”

“I got it,” Mariana says. “So...camp?”

“Yeah,” Fran bounces a little. “Giselle invited me. And I asked Lena, and she said she’d look into it. It’s for people with disabilities. Lena even said it was by the workshop people. So, Olivia could even be there.”

Mariana raises her eyebrows. “Okay. Now I’m jealous.”

“You can come. You could probably be a counselor or something, right?”

“I don’t think so…” Mariana denies. “I have my own stuff here.”

“Oh no. Will you be okay if I go?” Fran worries.

“You don’t have to protect me,” Mariana insists. “I’ll be fine.”

“Stay at Jesus’s for the whole week, okay?” Fran says. “You’re allowed, and they can’t stop you because you’re an adult.”

“Right,” Mariana nods.

“Do you want breakfast? I made coffee,” Fran offers. “It’s very strong, just for you.”

“Sure,” Mariana nods, trying to smile.

Even though everything still feels wrong, and destroyed, and even though she still has too much inside and is fucking exhausted, she has Fran.

\--

Levi rolls over and feels Panther’s huge tongue lick his face.

“Excuse you,” he grumbles, opening his eyes.

Panther’s lying in the bed with him - filling it like a human - her head on the pillow. There’s hardly room for Levi.

“Good morning…” he manages. “I’m sorry I’m grumpy. I just...hate being me sometimes…”

This morning, he feels so vulnerable it’s not even funny. He feels like he needs that makeup in order to even live in his skin. Like it’s armor. But he can’t even go out like he is.

So, he gets dressed the way he always used to. After a shower, he dons a good button down shirt. Dress pants. His best shoes. He makes sure his hair is gelled into place. Every curl perfect.

Still, he feels exposed.

He walks through the living room, and sees the couch with the blankets folded neatly. Pillow on top. 

He checks his phone.

**Jesus:**

_Next door. Door’s locked. Don’t worry._

Beneath Jesus’s text is one from Dominique yesterday. And it hits him.

He missed the sunrise.

Damn it.

\--

“So...are we okay?” Pearl asks as she and Dominique walk Cleo and Dudley. (When she announced she was walking Cleo, Dominique surprised her, and offered to walk Dudley for Jesus. Pearl wonders if it isn't because Dom wants an opportunity to talk, just the two of them.)

“What do you mean?” Dominique asks.

“I mean...I’ve been kind of spectacularly horrible to you lately…” Pearl admits.

Dominique is quiet.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry for not listening to you when you speak. For talking over you. I’m sorry for making inappropriate comparisons,” Pearl apologizes. “You matter to me, and I want you to know that.”

“I do,” Dominique allows. “And I appreciate the apology… It’s just...I’d appreciate change more.”

“How do you mean?” Pearl asks.

“I mean… God, I feel like a broken record here...but give me the benefit of the doubt. You have Jesus’s ear.”

“Jesus?” Pearl asks.

“He struggles mightily when something doesn’t directly involve him,” Dominique says. 

Pearl winces. “I thought this was about you and me.”

“You’re not the only one I’m struggling with…” Dominique admits. “And I’m asking you...as someone whose opinion he values to be there for me. Maybe that’s out of line. But all of y’all have these deep connections from years before I ever got here...except Levi. And it shows. Because you’ll choose each other every damn time.”

“I’m sorry,” Pearl apologizes again. “Because you do matter so much to me. And I don’t want you to ever feel like you don’t.”

Dominique shrugs.

“How _are_ you doing?” Pearl asks.

Dominique’s silent, managing Dudley on his leash.

“How are the inner children?” Pearl tries again, softer.

“Pissed,” Dominique breathes.

“That’s valid. We haven’t treated you very kindly, Makes sense they’d be pissed.”

“And I missed the damn sunrise…” Dominique wipes her eyes. “With the one friend where I feel like I’m not the last choice.”

“Levi won’t be upset about that,” Pearl reassures. “Chances are very good that he overslept as well.”

“You think?” Dominique asks.

“I do,” Pearl nods. “And you are not my last choice.”

\--

There’s a knock at the kitchen door and Fran glances up from her brunch of Cookie Crisp and hot chocolate to see Levi there. She goes to let him in.

“Are you going to church?” she asks.

“No,” he says. “It’s Tuesday.”

“Oh. You’re really dressed up,” Fran points out.

“I am,” he confirms.

Fran notices how he looks at Mari. How Mari gets a little red and ducks her head down. It’s exactly like how she feels when Bella looks at her first thing at school. When Fran sees what she wore to school. That she came. That Fran won’t be alone.

She can’t carry her cereal bowl anywhere else, so she sits back down and blocks herself from them with the cereal box. “I’m just doing this maze. Just pretend I’m not even here.”

“Never,” Levi says, giving Fran’s shoulders a squeeze.

He smells like old man perfume. It’s really good. It makes Fran wish girl perfumes were as delicious.

\--

Mari glances at the cereal box Fran is hiding behind and then at Levi, who has joined her at the table. She offers him a granola bar.

“Are you okay?” she asks, looking him over. 

It’s like, she got to see the real him for a few hours last night. Kiss the real him. And today? He’s back to the boy she met a year ago, who politely offered her a hand down from whatever vehicle they rented. Perfect Levi.

It breaks her heart a little.

“Are you?” he asks back, quiet.

They both shake their heads in tandem.

“I’m sorry,” she apologizes.

“Fran… Can I…? Would it be alright if I used your makeup sometime again?” Levi asks.

“Can people wear makeup everyday, Mari?” Fran asks, glancing around the box with one eye.

Mari nods.

“Okay, then yes. Just don’t forget to heads-up Jesus and Dominique,” Fran says.

“Dom probably hates me. I missed Dock Talks…” Levi sighs.

“She slept in, too, on accident,” Fran offers. “So I don’t think she hates you.”

“Thanks, Fran,” he says.

“No problem,” she says, crunching on a mouthful of cereal.

\--

Jesus is back on the porch...without Dudley, which is weird. Panther’s here, though, because she gets lonely next door and needs people. She’s sweet, but she’s not the same as Dudley.

All Jesus’s feelings are confusing as hell today.

He dials a number and waits.

“What’s up?” a voice on the other end answers.

“Hey, Pablo. It’s me,” Jesus greets. He doesn’t call much, but sometimes it helps to talk to someone who’s just super in tune with him...and his age...and just...everything.

“Hey,” Pablo greets.

“What’s up?” Jesus asks.

“Just doing camp stuff…” Pablo shares.

“What’s camp stuff?” Jesus asks.

“For the summer camp NAU runs? I’m a counselor there. So, Rosa and Roman...they have a lot of prep work they have us do. We can’t just go and hang with the kids. It’s more serious.”

“Ah,” Jesus answers.

“How are you?” Pablo tries again.

“Screwing up everything,” Jesus sighs.

“Well, you’re talking to me, so your day just got better. And that was also a great decision. So, clearly you’re not screwing up _everything_ ,” Pablo says gently. Jesus can hear him smiling.

“Thanks, yeah… It’s just… I don’t make mistakes well...and I’ve made a ton of them. Feel like I’m letting my friends down. We’re hanging out together at this cabin in Minnesota for a couple weeks...and it’s supposed to be fun. And it is. But it’s also…” Jesus trails off.

“Hard?” Pablo offers.

“Yeah, you could say that,” Jesus breathes.

There’s silence and then Pablo speaks again: “Can I ask...how are things going with Stef and Lena?”

“They’re… I’m not sure how much I can say. Privacy,” Jesus admits.

“Any part that concerns _you_?” Pablo asks.

“They’re not really...checking in with me...I guess? I talk to them, but not for that reason.”

“How is that?” Pablo asks.

“Kinda reassuring...and it kinda sucks,” Jesus says. “Because they’re just… I think this is them actually trying...and that’s like, depressing as hell.”

“That makes sense. They’re your parents. You deserve a connection with them. And it makes sense you’re relieved. That’s never been safe for you.”

“So...maybe you don’t think I’m a total screw up?” Jesus asks.

“No, I don’t.” Pablo reassures Jesus. “I think you are doing the best you can. I think when you can do better, you will. I think it’s okay for you to grow, but it’s also okay to be right where you are.”

“Thanks, man…” Jesus nods. “Sometimes, I’m like...around all these people. My friends...and it’s like...I feel hella lonely? Because we all got our own shit. And I know you do, too. It’s not that.”

“But it’s part of what I do as an employee and as a human being, besides,” Pablo says quietly. “I check in with you. I have my own people who hear about my stuff.”

“I’m glad,” Jesus comments. “We all need people.”

“So, I’m here. But so are your friends, Jesus. Trust them. Friendship is hard. It can hurt. It can be messy. But if you love them and if they love you? If you all wanna make it work, then you’ll put in the work.”

“That’s deep,” Jesus realizes. “Well, have fun with camp stuff. Whatever it is.”

“Not exactly fun, but thanks. I wish I was a camper. Then, I’d get to just come for the fun,” he laughs, and Jesus does, too.

It feels good. 

Jesus has to remember to do it more often.


	63. Echoes

Lunch is weird and quiet. No one talks, and Mariana’s pretty sure it’s because everybody’s on edge around her. Soon, she and Fran are the only ones left as Fran eats her lunch at her own pace.

Levi and Dominique are outside. Pearl and Jesus are somewhere.

Mariana stays lost in her thoughts. She can’t move. But she has nowhere to be, so it’s fine.

God, what must they think of her now?

Just like that, Mariana’s head is filled with every word Moms ever wrote about her on the hellsite. 

_ We didn’t sign up for this. _

(Did The Avoiders? Did they even know she had a brain injury when they met? Dominique did, she guesses, but Pearl and Levi hadn’t. Would they have decided against being her friend if they knew?)

She still feels beyond exhausted.

Her phone pings with a new message.

**Elise:**

_ Hey. It’s me. How are you guys? _

**_Jess:_ **

_ My day sucks a lot. You? Mariana? _

**Elise:**

_ My day… Emotions are everywhere. It’s embarrassing. _

**Mariana:**

_ OMG I love you both. Same. And same. Helps to know it’s not just me. _

“Who is that?” Fran asks, leaning over to see.

Mariana shows her.

“Jess...and Elise...oh the people who live 20 minutes from us! With Grace! Are you going to visit them?” 

“No plans,” Mariana shakes her head, putting her phone away.

“Why not?” Fran asks. “They like you. And you love them. I saw you said that.”

“Right...but...just not yet,” Mariana struggles for words.

“Is it because Stef was so rude to you?” Fran asks.

Mariana shrugs. “Do… Do you wish I was different? I mean...like I was before? Like...I hate scaring you…”

“Last night, you mean?” Fran asks.

Mari nods. 

“Moms scared  _ you _ .  _ And _ they scared me. You were just having valid feelings about it. I cried outside all over Dominique about it. I didn’t scare her.”

“But do you wish…?” Mariana presses. “I know you didn’t...pick a sister like me...like this…”

“Well, you didn’t pick me either,” Fran points out. “And whatever else happens...the sister part of you? That  _ is you _ and I love you. I love my sister. I hate that you’re treated bad. But that’s not your fault.”

“You are...so damn smart…” Mariana manages through tears. “Sorry, I’m a wreck.”

“Emotions are good,” Fran shrugs. 

It’s quiet a while. The quiet’s comfortable.

“Is it the thing where their voices get stuck in your head?” Fran asks. “That happens to me a lot…”

Mariana nods. “Yeah, I wish we could delete them.”

Fran smirks a little.

“Just out of our minds. Not for real. We don’t delete people,” Mariana insists.

“Just their ableism,” Fran decides.

“That would be amazing.” Mariana nods. “I think I’m gonna nap. Wanna come?”

“I think I’m gonna shower…” Fran says. “I’m all gross.”

“Okay.” Mariana answers. They hold hands into the bedroom. 

Mariana climbs into bed while Fran looks for clothes to wear.

“Yell if you need help,” Mariana tells her. “You can wake me up. It’s okay,” she reassures.

“Ahhh!” Fran jokes, laughing.

“Love you,” Mariana says.

“Love you,” Fran says. “Just the way you are.”

\--

Before Mariana falls asleep, she forwards the headline to Jesus, Dominique and Levi. About Nick. She’s struggled with what to say. With how to tell them. 

She still doesn’t have words.

Just a gnawing fear.

That if Stef arrested Nick...he’ll recognize her. And he’ll be pissed at Mariana all over again.

And he was dangerous enough on a date.

\--

“What the hell is this?” Jesus asks, as a text comes through on his phone from Mariana. A headline. About some dude arrested for rape.

He shows his phone to Pearl.

“That...is Mariana’s… Scratch that. He’s not Mariana’s anything.”

“Oh. Shit. No, I know. Shit.” Jesus manages. “Is this...last night?”

Pearl nods.

“Shit…” Jesus manages again, Dudley nudges him.

Pearl’s hands are shaking now, and Cleo’s nipping at them.

“Hey. Sorry. I’m not… I didn’t mean to freak you out… I’m not gonna, like, do anything…” Jesus stutters.

“No, I know…” Pearl nods. “I just…” I think it’s hitting me, too.”

“Okay. We’re okay,” Jesus says. He glances down from the second floor landing, through the bars. He loves this vantage point. Seeing everything.

He loves being able to see what’s coming.

\-- 

Dominique has been just hanging on the dock with Levi, reveling in the quiet, when their phones go off at the same moment.

“God damn it,” Dominique swears.

“What?” Levi says.

Bless him, he hasn’t even checked his.

“Fucking Nick,” Dominique curses, just barely holding herself back from hurling her phone into the lake.

“What?” Levi asks, confused. 

“Check your phone,” Dominique encourages.

Levi does, and Dominique can see the concern grow in his eyes as he takes in the headline.

“God…” he breathes, teary. “He wasn’t… I mean, I know...but he wasn’t...locked up before this?”

“Oh, of course not…” Dominique comments sarcastically. “Are you okay?” she asks as he clicks buttons. “Levi, don’t read the article… Come on…”

“I have to. What if Mari read it? I wanna know what she knows,” Levi insists.

“And what if she stopped at the headline?” Dominique challenges. “She sent us the headline for a reason. Isn’t reading beyond that like...going behind her back?”

“I guess…” Levi breathes shaky. “That’s what happened last night.”

“Oh my God… I think Fran knows, too. She talked to their moms. Shit. What a mess.”

“I don’t understand them. What kind of parents...just drop that kind of news on a person...and then on their twelve year old, besides?”

“I don’t know,” Dominique comments. “It’s no secret I think they’re terrible human beings, but I also...I wanna respect our...thing as Avoiders and not discuss other people behind their backs…”

“So...are you okay? Is it triggering you?” Levi asks.

“Oh, this… A bunch of other stuff…” Dominique laughs, but it sounds sad.

“A bunch of other stuff like what?” Levi asks.

“I feel like...other than you...and maybe Fran? Like I’m last choice for every damn one of the rest of The Avoiders. Mariana and Jesus have each other. They’ll always choose each other when push comes to shove. Pearl’s known both of them for years.”

“But we have room to love you, too,” Levi offers. “You know, platonically.”

“I’m not talking love right now, Levi. I’m talking basic respect. I speak and I’m not believed. Or they try to make comparisons that just ache, they’re so wrong… No one knows my story. Not really. And that’s my choice. But like, assume I’m telling y’all as much as I possibly can.”

“Okay.” Levi says. 

“Okay?” Dominique asks.

“Okay, I do believe you. Okay, I won’t make wrong comparisons...and I still remember the thing you taught me about staying in my lane...regarding personal questions...so I won’t ask. But I will give you the benefit of the doubt.” Levi clarifies

Dominique relaxes a little.

“I almost lost it when I realized I slept through watching the sunrise with you…” Levi admits.

“Me, too,” Dominique nods.

“I choose you,” Levi says. “Like, friendship wise.”

“Yeah, okay,” Dominique smiles, feeling a little better. “So, what about you?”

“What about me?” Levi says.

“You’re back to last year style,” Dominique points out. “What’s it mean?”

“It means...until I can get more makeup...this is my armor…”

“You wanna wear my suit?” she asks. “I brought Kaz Kaan. For the airport.”

“No. Thank you,” Levi adds quickly. “Clothes are...personal for me. Wearing someone else’s? Makes me feel some kinda way.”

‘That’s fair,” Dominique nods.

“Deep breath?” Levi asks.

So they take one, slow.

Let it out.

\--

Puberty is annoying. Her body is doing all the teenager things at once, and she’s not even a teenager yet.

She found a razor in Mariana’s suitcase and some shaving cream that smells like strawberries. She shaves one time on her leg, and there’s blood. Like, a lot of blood. 

Oh no. She’s safe in the shower, but how is she going to get out and get a bandaid without it looking like a murder scene?

Fran’s heart pounds. For a while, she keeps her leg under the spray. The cut gets washed and then the blood comes back, just like that. 

“Mariana?” she whispers, but she knows it’s too quiet.

The truth is, Fran’s scared to wake up Mari for this.

What if Mariana thinks Fran did this on purpose, like a self harm thing?

It wasn’t. She was just used to pushing down a certain amount when she shaves. But who will believe her?

She doesn’t even have her phone here to text.

Finally, Fran reaches to turn off the water.

“Mari?” she calls.

Nothing.

“Ahhhh,” she calls out, trying for playful, but her voice shakes.

“Hey, are you okay?” Mariana asks through a crack in the door.

“I just need help. Can you get me a bandaid?” Fran asks, her heart pounding.

“Yeah, what happened?” Mariana asks.

Fran pushes the curtain aside and Mariana blinks. “Whoa. That’s a lot of blood. Let me help…”

The first thing Mariana does is get a towel so Fran can put it over herself, even though she’s still in the wet shower.

Fran bites her lip. “It was an accident, I swear. I just didn’t wanna bleed everywhere, so I stayed here.”

“Don’t worry about it. Shaving on a shower chair is…” Mariana doesn’t say what. She just shakes her head. She puts pressure on it and then checks on it in a few minutes. “It looks like...you can see the whole imprint of the razor...in your leg.”

Fran wrinkles her nose. “I was just shaving how I normally do…”

“This is a new razor, though. The one from home was probably dull…” Mariana explains. 

Fran’s face flushes.

“Nobody taught you. It’s okay. Are you okay? This must hurt,” she puts gauze and two bandaids on it.

“I’m just scared…” Fran admits, her heart pounding. “It really was just an accident, I swear.”

“Hey… I know… I believe you. It’s okay. Okay? I promise?” Mariana says. “I know how it is to try and shave on one of these and it’s...not good.”

Fran wipes her eyes. “I’m cold. And I have to get dressed. And what if Moms find out I bled all over their nice shower here?”

“It’s contained. It’ll all go down the drain. They won’t know,” Mariana reassures. 

She waits close, outside the door, while Fran gets dressed, and when she comes out, Mari’s ready with her arms open. Fran goes into them.

“I feel so clumsy,” she manages.

“I know…” Mariana soothes. “But you’re not. Shaving’s hard.”

Fran sniffles.

“I know what would help, I think…” Mariana ventures.

“What?” Fran asks, feeling like a baby.

“Makeup?” Mari asks.

And Fran smiles. “Let’s go ask Levi.”

“Let’s do it,” Mariana agrees.


	64. Covered

“Hey, Levi!” Fran greets, breathless. “You wanna do makeup with me and Mari now? P.S. Everybody else, we’re gonna have makeup time...because we want to.” 

“Cool, thanks for telling me,” Jesus says and Fran jumps. It takes her a while to find him. Levi finally points him out, on the upstairs landing with Pearl and Roberta and Dudley and Cleo. Dominique is there, too.

“Are you okay with that, Dominique?” Pearl asks.

“I am, as long as I don’t have to see it being done...and everybody’s okay with it happening to them.”

“I love it,” Levi enthuses, and casts a nervous glance at Pearl.

“Then, I love it for you,” she calls back.

“Wanna go in the bedroom again?” Mariana asks.

“Sure,” Levi answers.

\--

Levi still can’t get enough of just how much stuff Fran has...and how much joy it gives him.

“What style should we do today?” Fran asks. “Whatever we do, I’ll be the announcer for Dominique and Jesus and Pearl, so they can have time to get ready.”

“Okay,” Mariana agrees.

“Ugh. I can’t decide if I want mismatched eyeshadow or the red smokey eye…” Fran grumbles. “They’re both so good.”

“What if...you tried the mismatched one…” Levi ventures. “I feel like I could be on board with a red smokey eye…”

“It’s both your eyes,” Fran giggles.

“I know,” he smiles, too.

“Mari, what look do you want?”

“I think...I want...pink lipstick...and some neon,” she ventures, picking out the eyeshadow.

“Ooh. That’s such a good idea,” Fran says. “Also, thank you for tying this scarf in my hair,” she gestures. “I feel just like Moana. Ooh, can I have orange on one eye and blue on the other? Moana colors?”

“Yeah,” Mariana agrees. And you’re welcome,” she sings like Maui. “For the scarf.”

They get to work. Mariana does her own lipstick and eye makeup. Then, she helps Francesca with hers.

Levi’s just holding onto the ruby eyeshadow palette, and waiting his turn.

“Ta da,” Fran presents herself, turning toward Levi. “Hey, can I please help you with your red smokey eye?”

Levi’s hesitant. He’s never let anyone but Mariana - and his high school bestie Cheyanne - help him with makeup. But Fran’s gotta learn somehow.

“Sure,” Levi agrees.

As Fran works carefully, and Mariana offers tips, Levi asks:

“So, are y’all okay?”

He knows better than to just bring up Mariana’s stuff.

“Mariana’s looking at you like, ‘What?’” Fran offers, because his eyes are still closed.

“Oh. I mean, with last night. Are y’all okay?” Levi clarifies.

“I’m mad,” Fran offers.

“I’m scared,” Mariana adds. “What if he’s pissed at me?”

“He can’t get to you,” Fran reassures. “You’re luckily all the way in Minnesota, and he’s not.”

“This is true,” Mariana says, but Levi can tell she’s not convinced. He can also tell she’s not about to elaborate on her fears with Fran here.

“It makes sense you’re scared,” Levi ventures with a nod at Mariana. “And mad,” with another nod at Fran. “Whatever feelings you have...they make sense.”

“Stop moving, please, or your eyes are gonna be all messy,” Fran reprimands lightly.

“Sorry,” Levi says, going still.

He waits, quiet, until Fran’s done and then checks himself out in the mirror. “Fran...wow. You did a great job on this.”

“Wait. I have some nail polish that matches this eyeshadow. Do you want to try Ruby Red Slippers?” she asks, holding out the bottle. “Mari, you don’t have to stay if you don’t want to. Or you can keep napping. Levi and I can go somewhere else for nails.”

“You’re fine,” Mari insists. “Let’s just put a towel down first.”

It’s dark red and looks textured. Like it has some kind of glitter or sparkles in it. “Yeah, I could be down with this. Definitely,” he agrees.

“Do you want to do it yourself or do you want help?” Fran asks. “Mine are already done. By Jesus,” she shows them off.

“I see,” Levi nods.

“We could match again,” Mariana offers.

“Ooh! Yes! Match again!” Fran cheers.

Levi’s mesmerized as Mari paints his nails. Then, he paints hers, while Fran looks on, offering advice when they miss a spot.

Finally, they’re done.

Mari’s phone chimes again with the Marco Polo tone.

“Is that your new friends again?” Fran asks.

“Check,” Mariana urges.

“Yup, it is! Should I play it?” Fran asks.

“No, but who is it from?” Mariana wonders.

“Jessica,” Fran reads. “That’s a nice name.”

“I think so, too,” Mari nods. “No, don’t play it, in case it’s private...but...do you wanna show them our makeup?” she asks, once Levi’s done and her nails are drying.

“Can I think about it?” Levi asks. “This is all pretty new for me. And I don’t know what they’d...you know...do with a video of me like this.”

“No pressure,” Mariana urges.

“Did you guys know that Talya had some fake labor yesterday?” Fran asks in the silence.

“What?” Mari asks.

“Yeah, Lena said. They were really worried, but then she was like, “ _ He wouldn’t be as early as you, so he’d be fine _ ,” or something…” Fran admits.

“ _ You’re _ fine,” Mariana says. “God...doesn’t she know what she sounds like?”

“No,” Fran scoffs.

“That’s so careless,” Levi points out. “It sounds like it hurt you,” he says, observing her tone.

“It did,” Fran admits, biting her lip. “Because it means I was right. They did want a regular baby. Because they even want Talya to have a regular baby…”

“I loved you...right away…” Mariana insists. “I was so pissed they wouldn’t let me go to the hospital. When I had my birthday - our birthday - and turned twelve like you? I was sure they’d let me visit you. But no. Only every once in a while.”

“But you wanted to?” Fran asks.

“I wanted to stay with you and never leave. Jesus and I were preemies, too. Did you know?”

“You said you remembered it,” Fran says. “I’m glad I don’t…”

“I’m glad I don’t, either. I mean….I’m glad you don’t,” Mariana says.

“What about when you knew I had CP?” Fran checks. She’s heard a bunch of times how Mari and Jesus have loved her always, but sometimes it helps to hear.

“I just… I think I was worried in case you were in pain. But you were smiling, so we knew you weren’t…” Mariana remembers.

“Oh. But you weren’t like, ‘I’d rather have a different sister?’”

“No. You already were my sister and I already loved you. And even if we knew from the start… You were the sister I got. The sister I loved. Just like you said. The sister part of you didn’t change.”

“Okay,” Fran says. “Levi, are you done thinking yet? About sending a makeup Polo to Jessica and the other friend?”

“Elise,” Mariana reminds.

“Elise,” Fran echoes.

“Do you trust them?” Levi asks Mariana.

“We just met…” Mariana points out.

“But your gut...do you think they’d laugh behind my back? Exploit me?” Levi asks.

“I don’t,” Mariana shakes her head. “It could just be me...or me and Fran...if you’re not comfortable…”

“No, I do want to… I’m just nervous. Can we give them a disclaimer not to share or anything unless we consent?”

“Sure,” Mariana nods.

\--

When they’re finally ready, Mariana hits Start. She has the video faced toward the wall on purpose. “So hey. We wanna show you what we’ve been up to. Me, my little sis, Fran, and my…

“Boyfriend,” Fran whispers.

Mariana and Levi giggle. Fran does, too.

“Fine, my boyfriend, Levi. But we wanna say, like…”

“Please don’t share with anybody else without asking us first,” Fran insists. “Spoiler alert, it’s us doing makeup. And nail polish. Also, hi, this is Fran.”

“And don’t laugh…” Levi all but begs. “This is new for me and I’m not very confident yet, but I feel good and I… I don’t know why I’m telling you this. I don’t even know you. But you matter to Mari, so you matter to me, too.”

“And it’s important that all our friends are safe people,” Mariana adds.

Mariana hits Stop and immediately little reaction videos come in, Jess and Elise’s faces from their own houses:

“ _ Please show us _ ,” Elise says. “ _ I have a feeling it would...like...greatly improve my day. I wouldn’t laugh, especially knowing it helps you out so much. _ ”

“ _ No way, we don’t make fun around here. And if it’d make you-- Sorry, I got cut off. I can watch in private if that’s better? _ ”

Finally, Mariana checks one more time with Levi and Fran and then starts a second video, showing her own face. “This is how we cope with hard days around here - at least some of us. Neon green eye makeup. Ruby red nails and some bright pink lipstick.”

“And I have one blue eye and one orange eye for Moana,” Fran enthuses. “And all these different colored nails, and Mountain Dew lip gloss.”’

“Levi, do you still want to?” Mariana checks.

He nods, so she shows him. He’s quiet. So Fran jumps in. “Mari and Levi have matching nails, and I gave him his very first red smokey eye. Times two. I think he looks amazing, don’t you?”

Jess responds first: “ _ Hell yeah. You all look incredible. Levi, I asked my son if it was okay to share this, and he said yes. So...he also really likes nail polish. I’m not a big makeup fan myself. Neither is my daughter. Or my husband, come to think of it, but… Like you guys said, we don’t make fun here. _ ”

Elise follows:  _ “Mariana, I’m so jealous of your makeup skills! I love your look! And Fran, I love the colors you chose. Levi...is it alright to say you look striking? Because you totally look striking. I wish I was there to cope like you guys. Looks like so much fun!” _

\--

“They liked it!” Fran insists. “Let’s go show Dominique and Pearl and Jesus!”

She runs ahead, leaving Mari and Fran behind.

“Do you?” Levi asks when they’re alone.

“Do I?” Mariana asks.

“Like it?” he asks, gesturing to himself.

“I like  _ you _ ,” Mariana decides. “And I agree with Elise. You’re striking as hell.” 

“Thank you,” Levi grins. “I don’t know what it is about this. I just...every time I wear it… I feel...all confident.”

“It makes me feel like kissing you...and I don’t know if that’s wrong, but…” Mariana worries.

“Oh, my God. It isn’t. Me, too,” Levi insists.

“But I think we should take it slow,” Mariana cautions.

“Right,” Levi nods. “So maybe not right now?”

“Maybe not,” Mariana admits. 

“I respect that,” Levi nods. “Wanna go find Fran?”

“Let’s go,” Mariana agrees.


	65. Queen

After dinner, Mariana finally grabs a quiet moment to watch Jess’s Polo. It makes her glad that she caught Fran before she played it earlier when they were doing makeup.

Mariana had asked how her day was.

_ “Gotta love when your abandonment feelings from like, Christmas time, pop up in April…” _ she ventures, surprising Mari.  _ “My mom abandoned me when I was four...at a movie theater…and my kids are on spring break so today, we went to the movies… You’d think after 30 years, it’d get easier, but nope,”  _ Jess shrugs sadly.  _ “Anyway, sorry for the overshare. ‘Hi, we just met, wanna hear the highlights of my life?’ More like lowlights…” _ she sighs.  _ “Anyway, if I didn’t totally scare you off, you can Polo me back…” _

“Hey, I totally get it. My background is...strangely similar. My mom...she used to abandon...me...all the time,” Mariana catches herself before using ‘us’ as she usually would. She has to protect Jesus’s privacy now. “So, if you ever wanna talk. I’m around,” Mariana reassures.

_ “All the time?” _ Jess asks immediately. She looks crushed.  _ “God, I couldn’t handle once… If you ever wanna talk...I’m here, too. I get that you reached out to both me and Elise. But, like, you have my secrecy. I mean...well...you know what I mean...” _

“I do, yeah. And it’s totally fine if you wanna share. It’s not oversharing, if you want to. And I’m… It’s harder for me? To open up? To find a chance to talk about things? I need questions to be able to really talk. So if that’s something you can do…” Mariana trails off. 

Jess doesn’t Polo back right away.

\--

“What are you doing?” Dominique asks, as Fran makes her way stealthily out of the kitchen and to the living room.

“I have to talk to Lena, and see if she asked Stef about camp,” Fran admits.

“What happened to having a safe adult with you?” Dominique reminds gently.

“Well, they’re being nice to me,” Fran says. “I thought I was okay without…”

“It’s always good to have a safe adult with you, buddy.” Jesus reminds. “Pearl, Levi and I are gonna walk the dogs. We’ll be back.”

“Okay,” Fran says. She gets comfy on the couch. She doesn’t mind if Dominique’s here. She just minds if she gets to check that Lena actually talked to Stef or not.

Before she calls, Fran checks her World Clock app she got just to make sure she put in San Diego time and Minneapolis time so she won’t make anymore time zone mistakes. It’s 4:30 there. An okay time to call.

She takes a deep breath and highlights Lena’s name:

“Hey, did you talk to Mom?” she asks as soon as Lena says hello. She has the phone on speaker. For safety.

“Yes, I did. She’s alright with it. So, I spoke to Giselle’s mom, and we have to fill out the application for you to go as soon as possible. They ask a lot of personal questions, so that the counselors will know how to be there for you. Are you alright with me filling out that information?”

“Like...Olivia will see it?” Fran asks.

“Olivia and whoever else your counselors are. Looks like every cabin has several,” Lena explains.

“Oh. That’s okay, I guess. You can tell them all my stuff.” Fran admits. (If it means she gets to go, Lena can tell them anything.)

“And there’s a line asking if you’d like to be cabinmates with anyone in particular. You want me to write down Giselle Smith? Her mom said they’d make sure to write your name in that spot, too, on her application.”

“Yes,” Fran says, decidedly.

“Okay. So, how are things there?” Lena wonders.

“Great. Mari and I are doing a lot of makeup time,” Fran says.

“Oh wow. Well, you know you’re beautiful just the way you are.” Lena says.

“You have to say that,” Fran decides. “You’re my mom.” The thought of moms makes Fran think of Talya. “Hey… So, did Talya have any more of that fake labor?”

Lena laughs a little. Fran’s not sure what’s funny.

“No. Thank goodness, no, she hasn’t,” Lena reassures.

Fran bites her lip. “You say it like it’s such a good thing he’s not early.”

“Honey, it is,” Lena says back.

“Like it’s such a good thing he’s not like me,” Fran presses.

“That’s not what I meant,” Lena insists. “We love you, Francesca.”

“But what if Talon is early and he does have CP?” Fran asks. “I could talk to Talya all about it.”

“No, ma’am, you will not,” Lena insists.

“Why, ma’am, will I not?” Fran asks, with a little smile.

“Francesca. I’m serious. That topic is off limits with Talya.” Lena warns.

“Why?” Fran asks. “You said it’s not a bad thing.”

Francesca hears Stef speaking up then. “Because it’s rude, my baby, okay?” 

It makes Fran jump, hearing Stef out of nowhere like this. Knowing she’s been listening this whole time. It reminds her of the intercom they used to keep in hers and Mari’s room.

“It’s not something we talk to new moms about. It scares them,” Stef continues.

“But I’m not scary. Talya knows that. So it would be okay if I talked to her, I bet,” Fran insists.

“Francesca, this is not up for debate. When I tell you to do something, do it,” Stef says plainly.

\--

_ “When I tell you to do something, do it.” _

It’s not Stef’s voice, but Brittany’s in Dom’s head.

Dominique’s fixated on Fran, on the couch, in her makeup. Sitting all the way back on the cushions, her feet barely touch the floor.

God, she’s so tiny. 

Dominique’s surveying herself. Her clothes. Then, she’s walking out to the kitchen. Finding the desk chair on wheels. Coasting on it mindlessly as she sings under her breath, her voice barely a whisper.

_ “Empty spaces… What are we living for? Abandoned places...I guess we know the score…” _

Another song she’d been obsessed with. Another American Idol performance. She first heard the song done when she was seven. She’d learned every word, never knowing that four years later, her propensity for knowing older music would play to her advantage.

She’s a million miles away. Pain doesn’t matter here.

_ “On and on… Does anybody know what we are looking for?” _

\--

“Fine,” Fran’s saying. “Bye.”

“Excuse me?” Lena asks.

“Thank you for the camp stuff,” Fran adds. Then, finally, she’s allowed to hang up.

That’s when Fran realizes Dominique’s not on the couch anymore.

Maybe she had to pee?

Fran stands and walks to the kitchen, which is closer to the bathroom. She finds Dom in the big black rolly desk chair that Stef loves.

She’s rolling on it, kinda lazily. Singing or humming something under her breath. She looks very nonexpressive and her body looks too noodley. 

“What are you doing?” Fran asks. 

“Turn around,” Dominique says, pushing herself with one foot so the chair spins.

Fran twirls. She’s super dizzy, and catches herself on the wall.

“No, I mean, put your back to the corner,” Dominique says. Her voice is still weird. Like a nothing-voice. Like how Fran’s brain feels when she Magic Carpets her feelings.

A word nudges her. “Disassociating,” she says. “That’s what you’re doing.” Fran realizes as soon as she’s leaning into a corner of the kitchen. Her back is in the corner just like Dominique said.

Dominique keeps moving herself around the kitchen on the rolly chair, like she’s only halfway here.

“Backup,” Fran calls in her regular voice.

She remembers Jesus, Pearl and Levi are out. 

But Mariana’s in the bedroom.

“Backup,” she calls louder. “We need backup, I think!”

\--

“I love being out here with you guys,” Jesus sighs happily. “Just me and my Wests,” he says.

“Are you sure you’re not embarrassed to be seen with me?” Levi asks. He’s super conscious of being out in public with ruby red nails and eyelids. 

“Never,” Jesus shakes his head.

“Nope,” Pearl agrees. “If it makes you comfortable, then I love it. Hey, Jesus? Do you wanna race?”

“Lightning Bolt West is challenging you to a race…” Levi smiles slow.

“Wait. So… If  _ you’re _ Lightning Bolt,” Jesus says looking at Pearl. “Then who are  _ you _ ?” he studies Levi.

“Shazam,” Levi says.

“Shazam...of course…” Jesus nods. “Who am I?”

“Who do you wanna be?” Levi asks. 

“Me,” Jesus shrugs. “And I’d totally love to race...I just need to, like, get it in my head that this is a fun thing with friends and not, like, life and death.”

“Fair,” Pearl nods. 

Dudley nudges Jesus with his big head.

“Panther loves racing,” Levi croons, “Don’t you, girl?”

Panther barks so loud it echoes.

“And Cleo and I could use the opportunity to get in shape. No pressure, though…” Pearl says. “I’m good as long as we’re not running through here in the dark.”

“And I’m good as long as I don’t get too dirty,” Levi admits.

“If there’s a mess, we’ll just clean it up,” Pearl reminds Levi gently. “No one will get hurt.”

“Right. I know,” Levi nods.

“Vin Diesel,” Jesus exclaims. “That’s my race name,” he grins.

“Alright then, Vin Diesel,” Pearl says, grinning, “Shazam. We’re all adults here. All consenting to race through the woods and back to...where? Frank’s cabin, or ours?”

“Let’s say ours,” Levi decides. “So I can make sure Panther’s settled.”

“On your mark, get set….” Pearl calls. “Go!”

The three of them take off.

It occurs to Pearl that she hasn’t ever run against Jesus, who’s almost a foot taller than her. As Jesus and Levi pull ahead quickly, with Dudley and Panther at their sides, it occurs to Pearl that she’s about to be humiliated.

But then, something happens.

Levi glances over his shoulder.

He drops back, falling into step beside Pearl.

Soon, Jesus realizes what’s happening and jogs back to catch up.

“I don’t need a pity race,” Pearl huffs, keeping her own slow pace.

“No pity race,” Levi gasps. “This was gonna be hard for all of us.”

“He’s right,” Jesus confirms. “Better stick together. It’s like Fran says. Being left behind isn’t cool.”

Pearl glances up. Feels the sun on her face.

She feels grateful to have friends like this.

\--

Mariana’s gone from obsessively checking Marco Polo to scrolling through Twitter. Then Facebook. Then Instagram. She’s checking for headlines. To see if anyone in her circle has connected the dots from Nick Stratos back to her.

So far, nothing.

“Mariana!” Fran calls. “Please!”

Suddenly, Mari’s tuned in. Fran sounds like something’s wrong. She rushes to get up and open the bedroom door. Finds Fran and Dom in the kitchen.

“Something’s wrong,” Fran points out. “Dominique, she’s singing all creepy and she said I have to stand here, with my back to the corner.”

“Okay. You don’t have to. Go find Roberta for me, can you?” Mariana asks, thinking fast.

“Yes,” Fran agrees.

“Don’t go down the stairs with her,” Mariana warns.

“Okay,” Fran calls back.

“Dominique?” Mariana asks, crouching in front of the desk chair. “What’s up?”

_ “Another hero, another mindless crime… Behind the curtain in the pantomime…”  _ Dominique’s singing under her breath. She’s way too at ease in Stef’s swivel chair. “ _ Hold the line. Does anybody want to take it anymore?” _

“Queen,” Mariana realizes, recognizing the band as one Stef loves. But Mariana’s mind keeps moving past that. To Dominique and her history with singing. She recalls a conversation Dom had with her and Levi, about how singing is tied to her trauma. “You know… You know you don’t have to sing right now? Not if you don’t want to? We’re not in danger.”

“I got her,” Fran manages, breathless.

Mariana turns, confused, but then understanding as she sees Fran creeping across the kitchen, coaxing Roberta out with them by sweet talking her with a leftover chicken drumstick.

“Here. It’s good! You wanted this tonight at dinner, remember? You can have it if you come see Dominique,” Fran urges the cat, who looks like she’s already had her share of human food for life.

“Don’t feed her that,” Dominique says, her voice soft.

“Oops,” Fran says. She hides the chicken leg behind her back awkwardly.

“It’s okay…” Dominique manages. “Roberta. Come here,” she calls.

Roberta weighs the choice, scoping out Francesca and her chicken and Dom and her hands - obviously empty of any food offering.

“You can put it back...or eat it or whatever…” Mari encourages. “Just wash your hands when you’re done. Thanks.”

Fran sits down where she is on the floor and takes a bite of chicken.

Mariana bends down and heaves Roberta into Dominique’s lap. She goes for a bottle of water. And finds an entire box of granola bars to bring back for her friend.

“What else?” she asks.

“Show tunes?” Dominique asks in a small voice.

“We don’t get that channel here,” Fran worries.

“But we have voices, don’t we?” Mari asks rhetorically. “So, this time… You and Roberta are the audience. And Fran and I…”

“We’re the singers,” Fran joins in, getting it.

Mariana turns and whispers two words to Fran, who smiles and nods.

_ “‘Hear ye, hear ye! My name is Samuel Seabury _

_ And I present ‘Free Thoughts on the _

_ Proceedings of the Continental Congress!’ _

_ Heed not the rabble who scream revolution _

_ They have not your interests at heart _ ” Mariana begins.

_ “Oh my God. Tear this dude apart,” _ Francesca sings, as Mulligan. The songs from Hamilton were hard, but she and Fran have managed - after a lot of practice - to get a couple verses of  _ Farmer Refuted _ down.

Dominique smiles a little, too. 

Roberta’s tail swishes back and forth. She still hasn’t taken her eyes off of Fran or her chicken.

They keep singing.

\--

Hearing Mari and Fran sing really does help. Having all of Roberta in her lap right now helps too. She lets them sing through their repertoire of songs they know together before she apologizes.

“I’m sorry,” she apologizes to Francesca. “Something your mom said...it just tripped up my trauma… I didn’t mean to scare you.”

“You didn’t,” Fran denies. “Okay...you kind of did. But only for like, a moment.”

“That’s good, I guess,” Dominique nods. “Thanks, Mari. And I didn’t mean to…”

“What? Get triggered? They trigger _ us  _ all the damn time, it’s not your fault,” Mariana insists.

“Well, thank you…” Dominique says, trying to shake off the residual effects of the flashback.

“You don’t have to go so fast,” Fran tells her. “Not if you don’t want to.”

“Right. We can...listen. Or whatever. If you wanna talk about it.” Mari offered.

“It was when Stef said that when she told you to do something, you had to just do it,” Dominique admitted. “Someone said that to me before...when I had to be in makeup…”

“And we’re in makeup right now,” Fran realizes. “Oops.” 

Dominique’s heart swells as she watches Fran go to the kitchen sink and wash her hands. Then, she takes out a second dish cloth and wets it. She washes her face and tosses it to Mari.

Mariana does the same. No questions asked.

“I love y’all so much,” Dominique admits. “But I need to talk to my mom.”

“We’ll be here,” Mariana promises.

\--

“Mommy?” Dominique asks, once she’s alone in the room she’s claimed as hers.

“Hey, babe,” Mom’s face lights up as she sees Dominique on video call.

“I...got triggered,” she admits. “Only Roberta’s girth helped…”

“Well, thank God for Roberta’s girth then,” Mom smiles. “Are you okay?”

“Not really? I love Fran and Mari, though. They’re...just...God. They’re so good.”

“I’m so glad,” Mom says. “Need me to sit with you for a while?”

“Please. How long you got?” Dominique asks, settling into bed.

“As long as you need,” Mom promises.

And Dominique knows she'll stay there all night if Dominique needs.

She has before.


	66. Growing

“Whew,” Levi breathes. “That was so good,” he says as he collapses on the couch.

“Aw, I miss it here,” Pearl sighs, taking in their cabin. “It feels like I haven’t been back here in awhile. I know it’s only been a few days but I do miss it.” She stops, thinking. “This does not bode well for moving actual states.”

Jesus laughs a little. “Moving’s alright,” he admits. “I mean, it’s hard as hell. But you survive. And we’ll be there. Like, literally the same building. It’ll be cool having all of our support system so nearby.”

“Likewise,” Pearl nods.

“What will you do?” Jesus asks, turning to Levi.

“What do you mean?” Levi asks.

“I mean, like, will you do the grocery store thing again or...try something new?” Jesus ventures.

Levi shrugs. “I haven’t thought about it,” he admits. 

“That might be my fault,” Pearl admits. “I’ve kind of been encouraging you to keep your hopes down a bit, haven’t I?”

“Have you?” Levi asks, confused.

“Like, let’s not do much until we know for sure…” Pearl ventures.

“Oh. I didn’t take it like, ‘Don’t think about job options,’ I just...haven’t yet…” 

“So...there’s not really a gentle way to segue into this…” Pearl begins.

“Venture into what?” Jesus asks.

“Dominique needs you and I to step it up,” Pearl says plainly. “In the friendship department. Like, yesterday.”

“Yeah, I’ve gotten that sense,” Jesus nods.

“So, we need to do it,” Pearl insists. “We cannot keep messing up.”

“No, you’re gonna mess up,” Levi tells them. They turn toward him, their expressions hurt. “I just mean...you’re human beings. It’s only natural. I’ve messed up big-time. Just...listen? When she’s talking. Listen to her. Ask questions about what’s going on at the moment. Don’t go digging. Don’t try to relate...because I don’t think any of us can.”

“She’s really… She’s pissed at us, right?” Jesus asks.

“She has a right to be,” Pearl maintains.

“I think that’s a major thing for me…” Jesus points out. “So few people get what it’s like, I kinda assume she does. Or I guess that I get what she went through. And I don’t. I don’t know much about it at all.”

“Right,” Pearl nods. “So, we have to do better. So we follow...Levi and Fran’s lead.”

“Mariana?” Levi asks.

“She didn’t mention Mariana,” Pearl says. “Except to say--” she stops abruptly. “I’m sorry. Dominique, I’m sorry for almost compromising your privacy,” she calls out, looking toward the cabin next door, where Dominique, Fran and Mariana are still.

“What are you doing?” Jesus asks, a small smile spreading.

“Practicing apologizing when I mess up,” Pearl says.

“Oh,” he nods.

“Anyway, I know we don’t speak about each other when we’re not here. And this is about Dominique...but it’s mostly about us, I think? And how we’ve let her down.”

“Sucks,” Jesus decides.

“It does,” Pearl nods. “But we can do better, right? We can grow?”

“Oh, my God, now I’m remembering when you taught me to grow like a tree…” Jesus laughs.

“Wait. What?” Levi asks.

“Hold on. I never taught you how to grow like a tree?” Pearl asks, incredulous.

“No, I think I’d remember that,” Levi points out.

“Would you like to learn?” Pearl asks.

“Definitely,” Levi nods.

“Okay, this is just a thing I did on my own accidentally once...and it was weirdly helpful...so no hard feelings if it does nothing for you. Gather ‘round, Jesus, Levi… Let’s grow together.”

\--

Dominique’s found her way back out to the living room between Fran and Mari on the couch. They’re taking turns reading aloud from Harry Potter when Pearl, Jesus and Levi come back inside.

Fran rushes to them. 

“Take off your makeup,” she tells Levi without preamble.

“What?” Levi looks stunned. Hurt.

“No. Fran. He doesn’t have to. Not if he doesn’t want to.” Dominique insists.

“But he  _ will _ want to, because he’s your friend. Right, Levi?” Fran insists.

“Uh...yes. I mean, of course,” Levi answers.

“What’s going on?” Pearl asks. “Dominique, are you okay?”

“I got a little triggered earlier, but these two helped...and I talked to my mom. So, I’m okay now.”

“But you said it was about makeup,” Fran points out. “And Levi’s wearing makeup.”

“It’s not really about men wearing makeup, though,” Dominique explains.

“Oh. Sorry, Levi. You can wear it, I guess.” Fran apologizes.

“Do you, uh…” Jesus ventures. “Can we help?” 

“We’d like to...without overstepping…” Levi insists.

“Okay,” Dominique smiles, uncomfortable. “It’s very sweet that y’all wanna help, but I just want things to be normal right now. So...does anybody wanna hear my Umbridge voice?”

“It’s really good,” Fran enthuses.

“Sure,” Jesus sits down beside Mariana.

Levi and Pearl take up the double-wide recliner across the living room. And they all listen as Dominique reads.

\--

After a chapter, Jesus speaks up. “So...can we check in with each other? I feel like a lot’s happened lately. Does anybody need to, I don’t know...process anything?”

“Lena told me talking to Talya about how Talon might have CP is rude,” Fran blurts. “She said it’s not something we talk to new moms about because it scares them or something… But I don’t scare you guys, right?”

“No, you don’t,” Pearl says. 

“What they said makes zero sense. They’re just lying to me, I bet,” Fran decides.

“It’s possible...that they felt scared when you were born,” Dominique ventures carefully. “So they’re trying to protect Talya.”

“But Talya’s an adult,” Fran points out. “And so are they. I’m a kid. And Talon’s a baby.  _ We _ need the protecting.”

“You’re right about that,” Mariana nods.

“So, I wish people would stop worrying about how Talya feels all the time, and think about how I feel,” Fran says, swallowing her tears.

“I’m sorry I didn’t ask if you wanted to hear their perspective before I offered it…” Dominique apologizes.

“It’s okay,” Fran manages, still sounding on the verge of tears.

“It’s not okay,” Dominique pushes back, gentle. “I hurt your feelings, and I’m sorry.”

“I forgive you.” Fran sniffs. “I just feel...like they want me to disappear because of CP. When they say stuff like that? It’s like,  _ ‘Go away, Fran. Our family would be better without you.’” _

“Well,  _ our  _ family of Avoiders, would in no way be better without you,” Pearl says definitively.

“But you’re not my mom. I mean, you act like a mom sometimes, but you’re not really my mom...as much as I wish it sometimes.” Fran admits.

“You wish that?” Pearl asks.

“Yes,” Fran says shyly. “Oops, I forgot to ask Mari if you wanted to go first. Sorry for accidentally taking your turn.”

“It’s okay,” Mari says. “Keep going, if you want. And I definitely want you in all my families. You being here has helped me so much.”

“Really?” Fran asks.

“Really,” Mari says.

“What do you wanna process?” Fran asks Mariana again.

“New friend stuff is complicated...and I’m kinda...worried that all of you are like..,judging me silently...because you heard me lose my shit.”

“Sounds like you had a valid reason.” Levi says.

“She did,” Fran confirms.

“You did, Mari,” Pearl insists. “I’m not judging you. Silently or otherwise. Stef and Lena, maybe, but not you..”

The others echo her.

Mari smiles a little.

“What about new friend stuff? Or did you need to talk more about losing your shit?” Jesus asks.

Mariana shrugs. “I don’t know… I know everybody knows...like...a shit ton about what happened to me already, thanks to the thing online. But I don’t want them to connect. Who. Knowing Stef arrested him. God, I don’t even know that for sure. I can’t remember what she said.”

“We can check for you,” Levi offers. “If it would help.”

“No,” Mariana denies. “And friend stuff… I really, really want it to work. But I don’t wanna get my hopes up. So I’m just stuck in this...decision-freeze mode. Where I know they wanna meet up. I kinda do, but like…”

“Maybe it’d get too real?” Dominique offers.

“Maybe…” Mariana nods. “We’d be invested then. Plus, like, privacy…” she glances at Jesus. “They don’t know about you. At least, I don’t think they do. But how would I go see them without them connecting  _ those  _ dots?”

“Mariana, I never want you to stop yourself from making friends to protect me,” Jesus says. “I’ll be fine. We’ll figure out some way to get you there, if you wanna go.”

“I can drive,” Levi offers. 

“Please, can I go, too?” Fran asks.

“We don’t even have a plan to meet up yet,” Mariana insists. 

“Well, maybe you should,” Fran says. “Because I really want to play with a kid my age. No offense to you guys.”

“None taken,” Mariana smiles. “Dom?” she asks. “What about you?”

“I’m just...sorry for freaking everybody out,” Dominique apologizes.

“With your Professor Umbridge voice?” Fran asks seriously.

“No, not with my Professor Umbridge voice,” Dominique grins and comments in a funny voice. She goes serious again as she says, “With my trigger.”

“It wasn’t on purpose,” Fran offers. 

“And we just...want you to know, too…” Pearl offers, glancing at Jesus. “That we’re sorry...for offering feedback you haven’t asked for. I thought your apology to Fran was beautifully specific, and I just want to let you know that I am sorry.”

“I’m sorry for making everything about me,” Jesus adds.

“It’s okay to make some things about you,” Dominique says. “And like...I appreciate the apology. I do. But I want… I want change. Not perfection,” she says with a look at Jesus. “But change. Because right now? I don’t feel all that comfortable opening up. I’m worried it’s gonna turn into a time something similar happened to you, Jesus….or like, demands for more information I can’t give you.”

“I’ll do my best not to reroute everything to me,” Jesus promises. “If you do wanna share about anything.”

“I sang Queen,” Dominique offers.

“Oh. No,” Jesus shakes his head. “You’ve said a thing about singing before, right? That you feel super unsafe when you do it?”

“That is true,” she nods, surprised.

“That seriously sucks,” Jesus shares, sympathetic.

“So, yeah. That happened,” Dominique nods.

“Did you wanna say more?” Pearl asks.

“Like what?” Dominique asks.

“Like...are you really cool with my makeup, or are you just trying to placate me?” Levi asks.

“I’m really cool with it,” Dominique nods. “You know I’m really cool with it.”

“That doesn’t feel fair,” Fran offers. “Because you said you were so happy when Mari and I washed ours off. But you’re cool with Levi’s.”

“That’s because my trauma involves me...and a lot of other girls and grown women being forced to wear makeup. But I wasn’t ever around men who were in makeup. So that’s why my trauma’s cool with it.”

“I wish I were a man so I could wear makeup, and you’d be cool with that,” Fran admits.

“I know,” Dominique says, sympathetic.

“Is that all you wanna say?” Jesus asks.

“Yeah,” Dominique nods. “Why?”

“Because I wanted to be sure you were done before I turned the convo to me.” he says honestly.

“I am,” she nods. “Thanks for asking.”


	67. Learning

“So, I’m trying to get, like, mentally tougher, and whatever?” Jesus begins. “So I don’t spin out when I’m corrected. Does anybody have, like, advice on how to do that?”

“On how to…?” Mariana asks.

“Take correction,” Jesus clarifies.

“Without spinning,” Fran adds.

“As someone who’s taken a lot of correction over the past few years, I really like to ask myself, ‘ _ What can I learn from this?” _ Pearl offers. “It helps to think of it in terms of… Well, like I’m a detective. And the feedback I get are clues.”

“Okay,” Jesus nods. “So, my clues are… People need different things than I do.”

“Your clues are listen to me,” Dominique comments quietly. “Believe me. Don’t turn it around on yourself. It’s clear. I’m not just giving you clues, Jesus. I’m giving you step by step...like...directions.”

“Right,” Jesus says. “I swear, I’m not, like, trying to  _ not _ get this.”

“I know,” Dominique says, but something in her tone changes. It loses something. It’s like she’s a light that goes dimmer.

“What did I say?” he asks.

“It’s just discouraging when...the human aspect of interacting...it comes so naturally for y’all… But when it’s me...you gotta be taught.”

“I don’t get it,” Fran says.

“Like...when Brandon said the thing about you last year. To the internet,” Mariana clarifies. “Did it feel good having to try to like...explain to Moms why what he did was wrong? Didn’t you wish they’d just get it? Because you’re a human?”

“Yeah,” Fran agrees.

“That’s like this,” Mariana explains.

Fran turns to Jesus. “So just do the human stuff, buddy, okay? Not doing it? That really hurts people’s feelings.”

“I know,” Jesus nods. 

“I’m still working on taking feedback in without spinning myself,” Levi offers. “Like, when you asked me to take my makeup off, Fran. That was a surprise. And it kinda hurt my feelings for a second. But I was (and I am) totally willing to, if it will help you, Dom.”

“Thanks. I’m okay,” Dominique nods.

“So, you focus on the person needing the thing…” Jesus thinks aloud. “But it’s like… How do I do that without totally...sacrificing myself?”

“Human sacrifice is unsafe!” Fran exclaims.

“It really is...and I didn’t phrase that right. I mean, like… You know fight, flight, freeze, fawn? The four trauma responses? I’m used to doing the fourth one. To my own, like… Help me out here,” Jesus begs.

“Is it hard to keep your own personal boundaries?” Dominique asks. “And safety? Because you wanna give into everything the first person needs?”

“Right.” Jesus nods. “Right. So I don’t mean, like, Biblical sacrifice. I mean, like, sacrificing my own humanness and safety. How do I do one...without doing both?”

“I think...if you pay attention to Dominique, and how she handles things? You’ll have a pretty great example,” Pearl offers. “The other night, she heard what you needed, right? But she also knew it wasn’t something she could safely do, so she spelled that out for you. Clearly.”

“Yeah, I remember. I’m sorry I’m not getting this. I want to. It’s just not clicking in. A lot of pressure. Does someone else wanna go in the meantime?”

\--

“I’m happy to take the pressure off,” Pearl offers. “It’s not easy taking feedback all the time. But I’d rather learn and take the feedback than the alternative….”

“What’s the alternative?” Fran asks.

“Being like Voldemort,” Pearl explains. “My own personal Voldemort, that is.” she adds, with a look at Levi.

“Your mom?” Fran questions.

“Yeah. I wanna be different from her. She never likes to acknowledge when she’s wrong. She never hears any feedback. She willfully hurts people. I want to make different choices. Healthy ones. So until I can get up the courage to go to actual therapy, Instagram’s my therapist. And you guys are my accountability...and my friends.”

“You have an Instagram?” Fran asks.

“I do,” Pearl nods. “I don’t really post much besides stories.”

“That’s cool,” Jesus nods.

“Some people go to therapy...like I go see Dr. H. And some people don’t,” Fran observes.

“Right,” Mariana nods. “It took me a long time to decide to go.”

“I remember that,” Fran says. “It was a thing we kind of did together. Because we both started it at the same time.”

“I feel like I should probably go back…” Jesus admits. “But I can’t imagine seeing anyone besides Dr. H.”

“We did when we were kids,” Mariana points out, remembering Dr. Ramirez.

“I know, but I mean...since everything? Dr. H. has been the only one I felt really comfortable talking to. I talk to you guys...and I talk to Pablo...but it’s not the same thing. I just… It would be really different.”

“Change is scary,” Dominique comments.

“It is,” Jesus nods. 

“So… What’s the coolest thing you’ve learned from Dr. Gram,” Dominique jokes.

“Well, Dr. Gram taught me last night...that...something about attachment trauma. And how part of that is emotional neglect? Because being ignored  _ is  _ traumatizing...which...I would have never thought about.”

“Whoa,” Jesus comments.

“You just explained so much,” Mariana breathes.

“Being ignored is trauma?” Fran asks. “No wonder it feels so hard for me,” she says.

“Especially when we’re ignored by people who we’re supposed to feel safe with. People we’re supposed to be able to rely on.” Pearl clarifies.

“Do you feel like Dad ignored you?” Levi asks suddenly.

“Dad left,” Pearl says flatly.

“And that was traumatizing,” Levi fills in. “Right? Is that what you were saying?”

“I was actually speaking more of Voldemort, but yes. No one’s ready to be unwanted. Or abandoned.”

“I miss Timothy,” Fran sighs. “Is that weird? Because I basically don’t even know him?”

“It makes sense...to like...miss the idea of him, I think?” Mariana offers. “Like, for a long time, Jesus and I didn’t know Gabe. Our bio dad,” she explains, seeing Fran’s confusion. “And even being separated from Ana for a long time...I’d kinda start...building her up in my mind sometimes. Like, think my life would be so much better if I was with her.”

“But it wasn’t,” Jesus says. “You remember that it wasn’t.”

“Yeah,” Mariana sighs. “Cognitive dissonance is a bitch.”

\--

“Levi? You’re quiet,” Dominique observes. “And you haven’t gotten to share yet. Did you want to?”

He shrugs.

“Did I really hurt your feelings when I said the thing about your makeup?” Fran asks. “Because I really do love it, and I think you look magical.”

“Thank you,” Levi smiles a little, but it’s weak. “I’m… I’m not sure what I am. I think I get nervous when there’s tension? Like...it kinda reminds me of last year? When we all first met,and none of us were getting along?”

“We still care about each other, man,” Jesus offers. 

“We do,” Dominique assures. “But I get that it feels nerve-wracking.”

“And talking about how being ignored is trauma...and how Dad ignored you, Pearl,” Levi allows. “That was always a fear of mine. That he’d, you know, repeat the pattern.”

“But he didn’t. He stuck around for you,” Pearl says, and he can hear the wound in her voice, not quite concealed under the love.

“I’m sorry,” Levi apologizes. “You deserved to have Dad in your life.”

“It’s not your fault,” Pearl reassures. 

“But you could’ve known him a little...if not for me…” Levi insists.

“Levi… We can’t change the past. I know there are reasons you did what you did. But...let’s not dwell.”

“What if he feels like dwelling?” Mariana challenges.

“ _ Do _ you feel like dwelling?” Pearl asks Levi.

“Kinda why I brought it up,” he admits.

“It won’t change anything, though,” Pearl insists.

“What can you learn from this?” Jesus asks quietly. “Remember?”

Pearl pauses. Breathes. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to shut you down.”

Levi shrugs.

“You were saying?” Pearl prompts.

“It’s fine,” Levi denies. “Let’s not worry about it.”

“You were worried your dad would leave you just like he left Pearl,” Fran reminds. 

“I know, but she’s right. It’s not gonna change anything,” Levi says, feeling defeated.

He gets up, walking away from Pearl.

\--

Mariana follows Levi.

They sit at the table. She offers her hand.

He takes it, wiping his eyes, surprised as his fingers come away red. Then he remembers. The makeup. He’s still got it.

“What’s up?” she asks.

“I was… Trying to say something else… Pearl just… She didn’t wanna hear… I can’t go straight there.” Levi manages.

“So, let’s drive around,” Mariana offers. “Take the scenic route. So to speak.”

“It was easier...to talk about Dad leaving Pearl...than to talk about Dad leaving me. I don’t wanna mention it...because...a few hours is not the same as him leaving Pearl for the entire rest of her life.”

“About ignoring equals trauma?” Mariana asks.

“Yeah,” Levi nods.

“The thing is?” Mariana asks. “It only has to feel like a trauma to  _ you _ . That makes it valid. You were trapped in an inescapable situation for hours with your abuser. It was unexpected.”

“And after... _ she _ ignored me, too. For a long time, I think… Which...even when they’ve been abusive… I don’t know how to say this…”

“Being ignored still hurts,” Mariana fills in. “Stef and Lena treat me like shit. But it hurt...differently...when they just pretended I wasn’t there at all… Or like I couldn’t hear them.”

“Thank you. For getting this,” Levi says.

“I saw the same post,” Mariana confides. “Or a similar one. Being ignored hurts like a physical wound, or something. It’s  _ that _ damaging. It makes sense that your dad not being there...and her ignoring you on top of it… That it left a mark.”

Levi closes his eyes. “Can we please talk about something else?”

“Anything,” Mariana offers and then catches herself. “Well...maybe not anything…”

“Elise and Jess?” he asks. “Would you wanna go visit them if I came, too? Maybe Fran and me?

“You know Jess’s son, Christian? He’s your age,” Mariana shares.

“No way. Really? The one who’s into nail polish?” he asks.

“Apparently,” Mariana nods. “So, maybe you guys would be able to hang out or something? Assuming you have more than the one thing in common, and you want to…”

“Right,” Levi nods. “Well, I wanna be there for you. And I know Fran wants to meet Grace.”

“I just...can’t solidify plans, Levi,” Mariana says.

“No one’s saying you have to,” he says gently. “You could even tell them when you’re here until. Then they know, and they can maybe make something work with their schedules. If you’re comfortable with that.”

“It still feels like a lot,” she admits.

“We don’t have to do anything right away,” Levi says.

“That’s good,” Mariana sighs. “Because right about now? I feel like this is never gonna happen. ...But then I’ll feel like I missed out on this huge opportunity.”

“We can do hard things together,” he reminds. “Remember the hellsite? We did that, we can totally go meet new friends. If you’re on board. Take your time deciding. You’ve had a lot going on.”

\--

“Levi?” Pearl asks, approaching him when it seems the conversation between him and Mariana hits a lull.

“What?” he asks, as Mariana excuses herself. Levi keeps his back to Pearl.

“I’m sorry. I was uncomfortable being put on the spot in there, but I shouldn’t have shut down your feelings.”

“I shouldn’t have used that example...when I meant to use my own…” he admits. “I just… It seems so small… Dad leaving me with your mom for those hours. When he left you for…”

“Forever,” Pearl nods. “I can see why you held back, but you don’t have to. We were both left in really scary situations. That’s valid. But we don’t need to compare them. It’s okay that you felt whatever you felt.”

“Terror,” he admits.

“It’s okay that you felt terror,” she says to him softly.

Levi tries, but he can’t speak. It reminds him of going quiet as a kid, after everything happened.

“This makeup. It does remind me a little of that costume I found back in November. The scary demon from  _ Moana _ ?” Pearl offers.

He glances at her.

“I just wanna remind you...that no matter what...no matter how you feel… You are  _ my _ scary demon,” Pearl’s eyes sparkle with humor, through her grief. Then, she grows serious. “You’re my brother, Levi. I always want to hear from you. And I’m so sorry for making you feel like I don’t. Or like there isn’t value in talking about whatever you need to.”

Levi nods again.

“Can’t talk right now?” Pearl asks, sympathetic.

He shakes his head, feeling like the makeup’s letting him down. Like, a lot.

“That’s okay. I know the feeling,” Pearl says gently. “We can just sit.”

And they do.


	68. Space

Levi wakes up the following morning with dread settling into his bones. He can’t stay here. 

Pearl’s concern had quickly transitioned to hovering last night. She hardly left his side. And Levi had to excuse himself to walk to the cabin alone in order to get some peace.

This was just a thing. This being unable to talk. It came and went. Usually with stress. (Usually in April.) The only difference was, this time? Levi’s pretty sure Pearl triggered it.

Without meaning to, of course, but her dismissal of his concerns around Dad leaving both of them...well...that felt a lot like Carla. (Dismissing his pain. His cries. Insisting that what she was doing didn’t hurt.)

Last year, it hadn’t been a big deal. Levi and Pearl were still getting to know each other. Still trying to make it work - them living together. So she kind of ignored his inability to talk, which he preferred to this. Pearl acting like this was brand new frustrated him.

Even the idea of going inside Frank’s cabin has his heartbeat quickening. Has him freezing up. 

But he knows from last year, he can’t just take off. And he doesn’t want to. He wants to take off with someone. With Mari.

So, he hangs out on the step outside of their sliding glass door. 

He’d left early. Fallen asleep early - before Jesus got back even - so now that it’s nearly 10 AM he’s been up for an hour and feels ready to start the day. Inside his cabin, Jesus is still asleep.

Levi prays that Pearl and the rest are, too.

\--

Mariana’s phone dings just after 9 AM. She jerks awake. Lucky for her, she turned in early last night, just after Levi left.

She reaches for her glasses and reads the response to her text last night. She felt a little braver after talking it over with Levi:

**Tues. Apr 5:**

**Mariana:**

_Would love to stop by sometime this week. When would work best?_ _9:35 PM_

**Elise:**

_Tomorrow 2 PM?_ _11:02 PM_

**Wed, Apr 6:**

**Jess:**

_Yes! Would be great to see you!_ _9:02 AM_

Clearly, Mariana had fallen into bed and had a total pass-out sleep. She completely missed Elise’s response (or she would have likely been up obsessing for hours.)

Jess’s text included an address and an assurance that her husband had plans with their daughter. And that Christian did his own thing most days.

It’s a rare day when Mariana’s not exhausted, so she gets up and pulls on clothes. She puts her hair back and brushes her teeth. Does a little makeup.

And then she’s ready to walk next door, to check with Levi if he still wants to drive her today.

She stops short as she sees him, sitting right on the step outside their patio door. His hair is done, not a curl out of place. He’s dressed, again, in what Fran would call church clothes. But Mari understands why now, and she won’t comment.

Levi was quiet after their talk last night, and Pearl was obviously meaning well, but making it harder for Levi, who eventually had to get out of there altogether.

Mariana scopes out the cabin now, to make sure she won’t attract attention as she leaves.

Everything is dark. Pearl’s a motionless shape on the living room couch. Fran had startled when Mari’s phone went off, but fell quickly back to sleep, and there’s no sign of Dominique from the second floor.

Mari eases the patio door open and steps outside.

She sits down beside Levi and shows him the texts, with raised eyebrows.

He raises his back. Shows his keys. Nods to his car.

She nods back.

He stands and offers a hand. Helps her to her feet. They walk together to his car.

“It’s still early…” she comments as he drives. 

Levi nods, focused on the road.

Mariana’s still on edge in cars, so she distracts herself with her phone. First, she texts Elise and Jess:

_ Sounds good. Levi and I will be there. _

Then, she texts her Avoiders thread:

_ With Levi. Be back later.  _

She realizes, seconds too late, that Levi had put his hand out for her to take, but she’d been busy. Her heart falls at the missed opportunity. All her words are gone for the moment, too.

Eventually, Levi pulls up in front of a house she’s never seen before. She squints at the house number, knowing this isn’t the address she was given.

“Where are we?” she asks as they get out.

He taps the mailbox and she focuses on the word: WEST.

She points to him with raised eyebrows. 

Levi nods.

She never thought she’d get to see his house, where he lived with Nia. But they’re walking up the driveway.

He pauses at the garage and flips open a little panel. Types in numbers. They walk inside after it opens. And to a locked inner door. Levi has a key and lets them both in, closing the garage door before they’re fully inside.

Mariana can’t help it. She lets out a long breath.

There’s nothing like an empty house.

It’s not something she can explain to a lot of people, but she feels her safest in a place like this. A place that’s lived in. Stocked with food. But no extra people. Mari can’t remember if she saw a car out front or not.

“Is your mom here?” she asks.

Levi shakes his head. 

“Oh.” (She realizes he can’t say where or when she might be back. Mari doesn’t ask.)

They walk through the living room, and Levi stops in front of a grey easy chair. It’s worn in the seat. And the armrests. The remote control for the TV rests in the chair itself, nearly falling into the cushions.

Levi gestures to it, and then to the picture above it.

His dad. Mariana realizes.

“This was your dad’s chair?” she asks.

He nods.

“Nice,” is the word that pops out of her mouth and Mari could kick herself. “I mean… I’m sorry…”

He reaches for her hand again. This time, Mari takes it. She’s relieved when he squeezes.

She squeezes back.

It feels like one place in the world - between them - where words don’t matter. Where she doesn’t have to bend her brain in half searching for the right words to convey what she feels.

With that one squeeze of her hand, Mari feels herself being let off a hook she never realized was attached to her in the first place.

She can feel the ground under her feet.

The pressure to speak is gone.

\--

Levi stops by the kitchen and opens the fridge.

Just like he’s hoping, he finds a pie inside. Ever since Dad died, Mom has made sure to have a pie on hand. Sometimes, it’s homemade, like the citrus pie, and sometimes it’s store bought, like the apple pie now.

He takes it out. Takes out their vanilla ice cream. Then he searches their cabinets for Lactaid or something similar because he knows Mari’s vegan but also that she breaks it every once in a while. And he doesn’t want her gut to pay for it. Especially when they have other plans.

He takes down the Folgers Classic medium brew that Dad loved. He turns to Mari, a small smile on his lips, gesturing to the coffee, the spread.

Her smile is all the confirmation he needs. 

Levi pauses in his preparation and pulls out a chair for Mariana, so they’re facing each other. Then he goes about fixing the coffee. He makes himself tea.

Finally, he dishes up pie for her, pointing to the microwave with questions in his gaze.

She nods.

He heats it through a little. Sets the Lactaid beside her bowl, in case she wants it. Then he heats up his own pie and scoops cold ice cream on top.

Levi joins her at the table, the lights in the house still off, but the curtains open letting in some daylight.

“Mmm,” he says, and meets her eyes, alarmed. 

“Mmm,” she confirms, enjoying her bite of pie, having foregone the ice cream. 

And Levi can feel himself calming down a little.

After breakfast, she asks to see the restroom and he points from a distance.

He waits in the living room, channel surfing with Dad’s remote.

\--

Mariana steps out of the bathroom and glances curiously at the two rooms at the end of the hall.

Both doors stand open. Behind one is a queen sized bed, made neatly, a multicolored quilt - yellows, reds, blues and greens - exudes warmth. One side is turned back. A hair wrap on the poster of the bed. On the other side, the bed’s made, and a nightcap hangs. Simple. White with blue stripes. 

There’s a vanity. A dresser. Two bookshelves. Three books rest, cracked open on what looks like Levi’s mom’s nightstand. An alarm clock is there. A phone charger cord hanging, unused on the table.

On Levi’s dad’s side are framed photos. One of Panther, Mari recognizes the dog as a puppy. One of Levi’s parents without Levi and younger. And two pictures in a double frame. A baby on each side, but dressed differently. One baby is in an awful pick dress with puffy sleeves.

Mariana’s heart skips as she realizes this must be baby Pearl. These alert brown eyes studying the camera. This tiny bow of a mouth, pursed, and looking ready to give a kiss. Any hair she’d been born with is hidden under an ugly white bonnet. She’s small, but not preemie-small. Maybe five pounds.

Beside her, baby Levi looks like a giant. Eight and a half pounds, at least. He’s a good size, even though, judging by his expression, he’s seen a hard day. He’s squinting in the light. Fists balled up by his face. He has a lot of hair, and it only grows one direction - up. 

Mariana’s just reaching out to touch the picture of him when she jumps.

Levi’s right beside her.

She shows him the picture. 

“Does Pearl have this one?” Mariana asks. Her question isn’t as altruistic as it sounds. She’s thinking of the reality that she and Jesus only have about one baby picture each. And in them? They’re about eighteen months old.

Levi shakes his head. Then, he takes out his phone and shoots it. Then, he tucks his phone back into his pocket.

“Sorry,” she apologizes, feeling sheepish, like she was caught spying. Her family has such strong boundaries around rooms, and Mariana literally just walked into Levi’s parents room uninvited.

They swing by the last closed door, and Levi eases it open. He gestures to himself, then to the room at large.

Mariana takes it in.

She doesn’t know what she expects. But it isn’t this. It looks like another person lives here. Everything is in its place. There are no personal touches.

Levi eases the door shut and then they walk to the living room and sit on the couch. Mariana notices that he refilled her coffee.

She nods her thanks, glancing around the room. There’s a reason Levi hasn’t gone for the remote. Not the least of which is probably the fact that it’s stayed largely untouched in his dad’s chair.

Instead, Mariana spots a book on the end table, by a poet she loves.

She’s ashamed to say she’s never read the book. Flipping through it, Mariana catches the title of the first chapter: Growing Up Black.

She knows a little about Maya Angelou. She was amazing. She was a survivor.

_ “What you looking at me for…” _ she begins, reading the first lines of  I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings .

\--

Listening to Mariana read is the most soothing thing.

She doesn’t do it long. Levi knows, from his own frequent perusal of this book that the formatting is not Mariana-friendly. But he so enjoys her voice. And it allows him to think back...to remember Dad’s voice reading the very same words to him as a child.

When Mariana stops reading, there’s silence for several minutes until Levi finally walks over and turns on the television. He finds the remote for Netflix and uses that to try and settle on something.

He sees  _ The Babysitter’s Club _ , and remembers the last couple days. How Pearl has begged Fran to check it out with her. How Francesca’s balked at it being “old-timey” but Pearl insisting it was her childhood.

Levi thinks about all the times Pearl’s indulged him, watching  _ Avatar _ , even though she couldn’t unsee the racist undertones. All these countless days hearing Harry Potter read aloud when she’s not even into it.

This looks like a calm show.

And he and Mariana could both use calm.

He glances at her with it highlighted, eyebrows up.

She nods.

He presses play.


	69. Countdown

Jesus wakes up to quiet.

Well, it would be quiet, if not for Panther and Dudley walking around.

He groans and pulls the blanket over his head.

Levi must still be asleep.

He gets up and takes the dogs out, checking the note beside the door and making sure to grab the keys to let himself back in.

It’s a nice morning and Jesus enjoys the solitude. The remoteness. The reality that no one will likely see or recognize him out here. Still, he takes precautions. A hoodie. A hat. Sunglasses. Just in case.

“Wish I could disguise you, Dud,” he says because Dudley’s a ringer for Jesus if there ever was one. He’s got such a unique look, not to mention a tag with Jesus’s number on it, in case he should ever get lost.

Thankfully, that’s never been a thing.

He arrives back at the cabin and feeds both dogs. He lets them chow down while he showers, turning B’s piano music on low so he can deal.

Thinking about Brandon makes Jesus curious, and he gets out of the shower and dials his number.

But before he does, Jesus sees the text to their Avoiders thread from Mari coming through:

_With Levi. Be back later._

With Levi? So, Levi’s not here? Where are they going? Jesus had no idea they even had plans.

He shakes his head. Oh, well. They’ll be back soon enough, and he can ask about it then.

In the meantime, he calls Brandon.

“Hey,” Jesus greets. “How’s it going?”

“You get that it’s like, eight AM, right?” Brandon yawns.

“Oh. No. Sorry,” Jesus apologizes.

“I assume you’re calling ‘cause Moms told you?” Brandon asks.

“Told me what?” Jesus asks.

“Talya’s fine. She’s resting. She’s not even dilated enough to consider having the baby yet. So, you can tell Mari and Fran that.”

“Dude. I have no idea what you’re talking about. Nobody told me anything, I just...listened to your piano shit, and I wanted to check in.” Jesus says, feeling hurt.

“Oh,” Brandon says. “I’m sorry. I’m just...so stressed out. T had some false labor...at Moms’...and they like lost it. I insisted she’d be fine going into the doctor, but Moms were like, _‘B, you have to take her to emergency.’_

“But she’s okay?” Jesus presses.

“Yeah, it’s Braxton Hicks,” B says. 

“Who’s that? Her doctor?” Jesus wonders, confused.

Brandon laughs a little. “No. They’re like...practice contractions, I guess? They prepare the uterus for labor.”

“You sound like Google,” Jesus accuses lightly. 

“The point is, they’re normal. Moms freaked us out over nothing,” Brandon grumbles. 

“And the baby? How’s Talon?” Jesus checks.

“According to Talya’s pregnancy tracker app, he’s eighteen inches long, and around five pounds. The doctor said everything looked good. She’s right where she should be for 35 weeks.”

“Cool,” Jesus says. “How are you? Married, with being a dad right around the corner…”

“Don’t remind me. I keep having nothing but dreams of all the ways I’m gonna mess him up...so I just channel it into ideas for lullabies I’m writing. Nothing’s sticking so far. I think it’s because I need to actually see him. Meet him. Before the right one comes to me.”

“It’ll come to you,” Jesus reassures.

“Thanks,” Brandon says. “Means a lot that you’d call to check in.”

“Yeah,” Jesus says. “I’m gonna go for now, though. Let me know if you need me. Or if, you know, anything happens.”

“I will,” Brandon says.

\--

Pearl wakes up to the most inelegant puddle of drool on her own pillow and her heart pounding. It takes her a moment to realize there’s someone at the door. She gets up and glances through the window. 

Jesus is on the porch with Dudley and Panther.

“Hey. What are you guys doing here?” she croons to Panther. “Where’s Levi?”

“Didn’t you check your phone? He’s with Mari. They’re out somewhere,” Jesus says, coming inside.

“Aw,” Pearl grins. “Sneaking away for some couple time.”

Jesus makes a face. “I guess…” he opens the refrigerator and takes out stuff for omelets. “Did you eat?”

“Just woke up. The late night conversations wear me out,” she admits.

“Omelets?” he asks.

“Sounds good,” Pearl nods.

\--

Francesca wakes up to banging and talking. And then, she can’t believe it’s almost 11:00 in the morning.

She’d stayed up super late with The Avoiders - except Mari and Levi - talking about TV and movies. It was the best.

Fran blinks and takes in the empty bed. No Mari.

She looks over at the bathroom. No one’s in there either. Fran checks her phone. Sees the text from, like, an hour ago.

Then, she can breathe a sigh of relief.

She goes to pull clothes on and makes her way out to the kitchen.

“Mari and Levi went somewhere,” she reports, just in case somebody didn’t get the message.

Jesus is making omelets. Dominique is heating up turkey bacon in the microwave, and Pearl has coffee brewing and hot chocolate starting. This is going to be a good breakfast.

“They’ll be home in a couple hours,” Pearl reassures. “They’re together, so they’re fine.”

Fran’s reaching in to see if she can taste the cocoa and sugar on her fingers when Pearl talks again: “Oh, crap.”

“What?” Fran asks.

“No…” Pearl says looking super worried.

“What is it?” Dominique asks.

“They’re _not_ fine. Levi’s still not talking, as far as I know, and Mari is… Well...what if they get in trouble and can’t get help or something?” Pearl insists.

“Mari’s an adult,” Fran points out. “So is Levi. You don’t need to talk to be able to communicate.”

“Fran has a point,” Dominique points out.

“Right, but so does Pearl,” Jesus worries. “I get that there are all kinds of ways to communicate, but the world is kinda biased against those of us who can’t communicate in a certain way.”

“So?” Fran asks. “They’re not in the world, they’re with each other. Well… I mean...they’re in the world, _and_ they’re with each other.”

“Let’s not worry until we have reason to,” Dominique urges. “Let’s have breakfast.”

“When will we have reason to?” Fran wonders - a dreadful feeling starting inside her.

“They’ll be back by lunch, and if they’re not, they’ll text us,” Dominique decides.

\--

The truth is, Dominique is just as freaked out as the rest of them are. She just knows how to keep it under wraps. She’s had tons of experience putting on a brave face she doesn’t feel.

But as the clock creeps forward, she feels herself also starting to lose her grip on control.

Her friends ought to know better than just disappearing on each other like this. 

One damn text two hours ago, scant details? That’s not gonna cut it.

Fran checks her phone. “It’s 12:44,” she reports. “You said Mari and Levi would be back by now. They’re 44 minutes late.”

Panther whimpers at the mention of Levi.

“Maybe they got hung up somewhere…” Jesus offers.

“Without a way to communicate,” Pearl laments. “God, I should go look for them, but I have no idea where they are.”

“I saw on Mari’s phone after she went to bed that Jess and Elise texted.” Fran admits, biting her lip.

“So, it’s possible they’re meeting up with them,” Pearl realizes. “Do you remember anything else?” Pearl insists. “A time? A place?”

“No, just that they were talking about it,” Fran admits feeling her insides sink with sadness. “How come they’d go without me? They knew I wanted to go, too.”

“Buddy, those are Mari’s friends, though,” Jesus reminds gently. “And she feels better in smaller groups.”

“But I told her a bunch of times I wanted to go!” Fran objects. “And they just left without me, when I was still sleeping.”

“When all of us were still sleeping…” Dominique comments. “I swear if they’re in trouble somewhere, I’m not gonna get over it…” 

“The lake’s not icy,” Fran offers.

“What do you mean?” Pearl asks.

“So, at least we know they didn’t fall in,” Fran says.

“Francesca,” Dominique reprimands. 

“What? That’s what Moms thought happened to Jesus one time…” she says.

“When you were nine, or?” Pearl asks.

“No, when I was sixteen. Here. When we first met,” Jesus fills in. “I told you Moms wouldn’t care where I was. Turns out they did. They were here freaking out.”

“The whole family was freaking out,” Francesca remembers. “Like now. Do you guys really think they’re in trouble? It’s 12:52 now,” she updates.

“How long do we wait before we tell someone?” Pearl asks. “I’ve called the cops up here before. It doesn’t scare me.”

“Maybe it should,” Jesus ventures.

“Do not call the cops,” Dominique says flatly. “I don’t care how desperate we get. We are not doing that.”

“Don’t, Pearl! Please…” Fran begs.

Tears are in her eyes.

Dominique gathers her close. “It’s okay,” she says. 

Even though it’s nowhere near okay.

They watch the time tick by. 

It’s 1 PM.

Then pushing 2 o’clock.

All attempted contact with Levi and Mari go unacknowledged.

\--

Mari and Levi get so lost in watching Babysitter’s Club on Netflix that they lose the next four hours. Even lunch was eaten in front of the TV.

When Mari checks her phone again, she clicks pause.

“We have exactly 20 minutes to meet Jess and Elise,” she says to Levi.

Levi clicks off Netflix, and they walk to his car again.

Mariana just sits in the passenger side for a while, until Levi gestures to her phone, eyebrows raised.

It hasn’t shut up. Every single one of The Avoiders keeps texting them:

**Fran:**

_We are worried plz come back. 12:45 PM_

**Jesus:**

_OK? 1:23 PM_

**Pearl:**

_Please respond, we are so worried. 1:43 PM_

**Dominique:**

_Are y'all cool? 1:47 PM_

“I’m not texting them back. We’re not children,” Mariana says.

Levi shakes his head. He clicks some buttons until there’s a map on screen, showing Deerwood.

“Oh! Directions!” she realizes, and then asks Siri how to get to the address they were given.

She holds her phone as Levi drives.

They make it to Jess’s house a little after 2 PM.

He raises his eyebrows at her. Offers his hand. She squeezes it.

Levi returns the squeeze.

\--

Before Levi knows it, they’re on the Walkers front steps. Mari’s knocking on their door.

Jess pulls it open. Levi recognizes her hair. Auburn, in lots of curls. Her face breaks into a smile as she holds the door open wider. 

“It’s them,” she says over her shoulder. “Hey! So glad you could make it! Come in. Elise is already here, and we have the house to ourselves.”

“Cool,” Mariana says, sounding nervous.

Levi gives her hand another squeeze.

They walk in further. Directly into a kitchen. Elise is at the table, and smiles warmly at them. “Hey,” she waves.

Levi waves back.

Still, he’s not sure what they’ll make of his silence.

\--

Mariana’s feeling like this was a big mistake. Why didn’t they just stay at Levi’s house and marathon Netflix all day? It would be better than this...all the social pressure.

“So, I just want you guys to feel at home here,” Jess says. “It’s important to me. So, if you need something, let me know, you know, however you can and I’ll do my best to make it happen.”

Mariana settles in on a chair, and Levi takes one near her. They’re still holding hands.

“How long have you guys been together?” Elise asks.

“We just met a year ago,” Mariana fills in. “And I don’t know if anything’s official…”

Levi shakes his head.

“Ah. Sorry. I’m a sap. Blame my brother and sister-in-law for making me into a hopeless romantic.” Elise says.

“What about them? How long have they been together?” Mari asks.

“Since I was sixteen, I think? They married in 2008. So it’s been a while,” Elise shares. Mariana’s pretty sure the heart eyes emoji was made for Elise who just seems so happy. And at ease. About other people’s love.

“You?” Mariana asks. “Do you have...a person?”

“I have lots of people,” Elise says. “Not in a pansexual way. Not that there’s anything wrong with being pansexual...just..you know...that’s not how I meant it. And no. I’m not sure if I just don’t have that part...or I haven’t found the right person...or what?”

“Jess?” Mariana asks. “How long have you? Wait. I think you said. You met in college?”

“Yeah. We married in 2010.” Jess nods. “This is weird,” she says.

Levi nods.

“It is, right?” she asks him.

He nods again.

“No one tells you how to make friends in your 30s…” Jess shares.

“Or your 20s…” Mariana fills in. “It’s pretty much reserved for the really young kids. And that’s not really, like, friendship? It’s usually, like, how to whatever an interaction.”

“Right,” Elise says. “Levi, I still love your nails. So glad I get to see them in person.”

Mari watches as Levi curls his fingers in, to hide the polish. He glances up again, as if double checking that her compliment’s genuine.

“Really,” Elise says, serious.

“Can I get you - either of you - something to drink?” Jess asks.

“Relax,” Elise says. “They’ll tell us. Won’t you?”

Levi looks to Mariana. 

“...Or you’re welcome to help yourself,” Jess encourages.

Mariana’s aware that Jess seems to have picked up on Levi’s silence the most. And is making a point to accommodate him without making it a thing. And the way Elise just brings Levi into the conversation and takes his communication as valid lets Mari breathe easy. And lets her know that they’ll likely do the same for her.

“Uh, coffee?” Mariana asks.

“Yes,” Jess nods. “Little cup or big cup?”

“Big,” Mari nods.

“Levi? Coffee?” Jess asks.

He shakes his head.

“We’ve got tea,” Jess offers.

Levi nods here.

“Tea? Here. Have at it,” she says, bringing over her box of teas for him to choose the one he wants.

It’s comfortable.

As Mariana sips the coffee out of a mug that reads: YOU’RE AWESOME, KEEP THAT SHIT UP, she begins to relax.

To feel like, maybe, this isn’t the worst idea she’s ever had.


	70. Universal

For the longest time, Levi just holds his cup of tea, letting the warmth from it seep into his hands. 

They’re cold. 

An old anxiety thing. And the nail polish (despite Elise’s comment) isn’t helping. He should have taken it off before he came.

“It’s hard…” Elise says after the longest silence in the world. “To know how to talk to people. To  _ be _ with people...after something like this,” she offers.

“Especially because there’s no universal something-like-this,” Jess adds. “I bet if we knew each other’s stories, not one of them would be the same as another…” Jess says.

Mariana freezes.

“Which...I’m not asking,” Jess reassures. “Listen. It’s not… I’m not doing that. I’m just saying...each situation is different and...there is no one-size-fits-all for this.”

“You really don’t know? About me?” Mariana asks.

“I mean, vaguely. We know about your brother, just in general terms,” Elise admits. “We’re glad he’s back.”

“Do you… Are you saying you have no idea what happened to me?” Jess asks.

“She’s a baby,” Elise points out. “Not...an actual baby. I just mean...this happened… Jess’s… Well, you would’ve been really young.”

Levi’s heart breaks a little. Elise can’t seem to stop apologizing to Mariana.

“It’s fine,” Mariana says.

“I say that, too,” Jess nods. “When I don’t...have any other words. That’s something that comes out...sorta reliably.”

Levi sees the way Mari’s eyes light up. And he remembers the time they spent reading the hellsite together, and Mari’s comments on isolation.

He points to Mari and nods, and then to Jess and nods.

“We have that in common, yeah,” Jess nods. “It’s nice...to be with people who get it.”

\--

“Do you… I mean, are any of you… Any of you..oh my God…” Mariana tries.

“You got it,” Elise encourages. “Do we...or are we?”

“Are you...in contact with your parents? I mean, I don’t know if it’s too soon to go there, I just… I’ve dealt with a lot of shit from mine.”

Too late, Mari realizes this might not be the best path to take the conversation down. She shouldn’t put Moms in a bad light to these people. If word got out...it could mean bad things for her...and Fran…

  
  


“No,” Elise says simply. “Robby’s had custody of me since.. Well, he… Yeah…” 

“And no. My mom never showed back up. And after I got pregnant with CJ...well...that was the last straw for my dad...so…” Jess breathes.

“Sorry,” Mariana apologizes.

“Levi, are you in touch with yours?” Jess asks.

He nods, and mouths ‘Mom.’

“Aw, you look like you love her. Like you’re close,” Elise observes.

He nods, and Mari can hear him breathe a sigh of relief.

“And your dad?” Elise asks.

Levi nods at Mari.

“...His dad died, like...two years ago? They were really close,” Mariana shares, hoping it’s alright to say this much.

He nods again.

“Oh, I’m so sorry,” Elise says. “I mean, I can’t relate...at all...to being close to your dad...but...losing people...it…”

“Sucks?” Jess finishes.

Levi nods.

\--

When Mari gets up to use the bathroom and Jess offers to refill everyone’s drinks, Elise leans across the table to whisper to Levi.

“I just want...you to know? I don’t, like, know if you’re shy, or if there’s more going on...and this isn’t pressure… Just...I go quiet too sometimes. It’s normal. For me. For us. I want you to know I get that. And I wanted you to know that you’re not alone.”

Levi’s eyes widen. He never would’ve guessed it to look at her.

“It can be hard...people can kind of...overshadow you… Kinda forget you’re there. But I won’t. Jess won’t. And I can tell...Mariana doesn’t.”

Levi nods. Shakes his head. He’s not sure which to go with here. Acknowledging Mari doesn’t ignore him with a shake of his head? Or a nod that Elise is on track.

Finally he points at her and nods.

“I get it,” she nods, smiling. 

And it’s weird...he realizes. He’s been in this house with these two women, older than him, and both white, and he hasn’t been triggered.

_ There’s still time _ , a voice inside his head warns.

But Levi hopes that for once, it won’t happen at all.

\--

When Mariana comes out of the bathroom, she goes slowly, taking her time to look at pictures as she goes. She finds herself in the living room, staring at their family portrait. Jess and her husband. Their kids. They seem genuinely happy.

This is the kind of future she’s not even been able to imagine for herself.

“Hey,” Jess greets.

“Hey,” Mari turns, blushing. “Sorry.”

“No. No need. You wanna sit?” Jess asks.

Mariana doesn’t need to be asked twice. She takes a seat on the couch. It’s comfortable. She realizes Jess has brought her coffee out here. Set it on the end table.

“So...you...and your… You guys got married...after?” Mariana asks.

“We did. About three years after,” Jess nods.

“It’s just...you’re the first person I’ve met who’s…” Mariana ventures.

“Who has a TBI and is married?” Jess asks. “I know,” she shakes her head. “I mean… Right? Ugh. I don’t know where my words are today.”

“It’s fine,” Mariana reassures. “There’s time.”

“I mean...based on what we see… TV, movies, whatever? Books? People like us are pretty much...destined to live lonely, sad lives.”

“Yeah…” Mariana nods.

“You know..it is okay to talk about your parents to me...if you want…” Jess encourages. 

Unexpectedly, Mariana blinks back tears. “I just… They’ve treated me like shit...ever since this happened… And then I meet...other people...like us...and it’s like...God… It doesn’t have to be like this?”

“A mindfuck, yeah,” Jess nods. “It’s isolating, for sure. I mean, I love my family...but sometimes, they just don’t get it.”

Levi and Elise walk in from the kitchen. Levi takes a seat beside Mari.

“Sorry, I heard we’re talking about all the ways family doesn’t understand,” Elise apologizes, “and I had to be in on it…”

“It’s like...I can’t communicate without questions...and they don’t ask specific enough ones...so I’m just here. Whatever. In my head. With my thoughts,” Mariana shares.

“The alien planet?” Levi whispers in her ear, a puff of breath.

“Right,” Mariana nods. “I told Levi once...it was like...I’m the only one who exists on this new planet. Everybody else is back on earth. And no one...knows...cares how to get to know me. The questions they asked...answers I was able to give… I could’ve been anyone.”

“It changes you,” Elise nods. “Whatever therapy they give you...it’s focused on…”

“Function,” Jess fills in.

“Yeah. But no one cares that you’re… I mean, I don’t know if it was like this for you guys, but...I didn’t even feel like me anymore after. I felt so different. And I don’t just mean the pain,” Elise points out.

“No, I get it,” Jess nods.

“The disconnect…” Mariana shares. “It’s intense. You feel…super disconnected from yourself. Because you don’t feel like yourself? Your brain is different. Your brain makes you who you are. So, then,  _ you’re  _ different. And then...you’re supposed to like...step into this skin that doesn’t fit. Your family...whoever...they used to take you seriously. Used to respect you...at least sort of...and now? It’s like...nope.”

“I used to be really funny,” Elise shares. “Like,  _ really _ funny. Now? I make a joke and people are like, ‘ _ Oh honey, are you okay _ ?’”

“Ugh,” Mariana groans. “Like, I know it’s surprising we have a sense of humor…”

“I’m not sure if it’s better or worse when they just don’t even notice?” Jess cringes. “Coby’s thing is,  _ ‘Oh. I thought you were serious.’ _ And I love him. But I wish…”

“The world didn’t rely so much on how things are said?” Elise asks.

“Basically,” Jess nods.

“Levi, are you… You’re not feeling left out, are you?” Mariana asks.

He shakes his head and points to his ear, indicating he’s listening.

\--

“It’s 3:56, you guys. That’s almost dinner time,” Fran points out, worried. That means Mari and Levi have been gone for almost six hours. I don’t wanna call the police...or Moms...but maybe someone?”

“I agree. Not Moms, but somebody,” Jesus says.

“Same,” Pearl nods.

“Like who? Nobody we know lives up here. People from back home can’t do anything. We’re the closest to them, but we don’t know where the hell they are,” Dominique says.

“Brainerd,” Fran adds. “I Googled, and it’s  _ so _ much tinier than San Diego. So we could maybe just drive around ‘til we find them…”

“Let me try something first,” Dominique says.

\--

@IMadeItToo: I’m a friend of Mariana’s. (Dominique Williams, one of The Avoiders.) And she and another friend took off this morning. Said they’d be back later. It’s been 6 hrs. Me, her sis and bro are worried.

@RosaMartinez: 6 hours is later.

@IMadeItToo: Yes, but they aren’t responding to our texts.

@RosaMartinez: Yes, they’re adults. They have lives. If 24 hours pass? Maybe I’d start to worry. Until then, let her live her life.

\--

“Well, that was no help,” Dominique sighs.

“What?” Pearl asks. “What did you try? Because I am seriously freaking out.”

“I reached out to Rosa Martinez,” Dominique admits.

“Oh, I met her. At the workshop. She’s nice,” Fran remembers.

“So, what’d she say?” Jesus insists, his eyes bright.

“That they have lives, and start to worry if 24 hours pass with no word,” Dominique passes along.

“I know for a fact that by the time six hours passed, I was in bad trouble…” Jesus shares quietly.

“Me, too,” Dominique nods.

“I know. Let  _ me _ try something,” Fran says.

\--

First, Francesca tries Olivia, but she doesn’t answer. Then, she remembers. Oliver said text anytime:

**Francesca:**

_ Hi it’s fran. Mari is gone and not ansering any of us. Just one text: be back later. We have been waiting 6 hours. I am scared. What should we do? _

**_Oliver:_ **

_ Hey Fran. Is she alone? _

**Francesca:**

_ No, with someone. _

**_Oliver:_ **

_ Is it weird for her to not text? Does she check her phone alot? _

**_Francesca:_ **

_ She is on her phone ALOT but she sometimes ignores calls or texts. _

**_Oliver:_ **

_ So, assume she’s okay. If she left w/ someone and said she’d be back later, trust her. _

**_Francesca:_ **

_ We are scared tho bc of what happened to my bro. _

**_Oliver:_ **

_ ….When he was a kid, right? And alone? Mariana’s not a kid and she’s with someone. She gave you a heads up. I know it’s scary but you gotta trust her. Anything less is rude. _

**Francesca:**

_ Oops. IDK how not to be scared right now. I guess my trama is rude. [sad emoji] _

**Oliver:**

_ Your trauma makes sense...but you gotta trust your sis. Go watch a movie. She’ll be back before you know it. _

“Oliver said to watch a movie and trust Mariana, and they’ll be back before we know it...but that won’t help at  _ all _ . And I’m still mad at them for leaving without me to go see Elise and Jessica and Grace!”

“Buddy, we can’t really do anything right now,” Jesus says.

“We  _ can _ , though. We can drive around. I know Brainerd. I was born and raised there. Let me drive around, Please,” Pearl begs.

“You don’t need our permission,” Jesus says.

“I’ll come with you,” Dominique says.

“Fran and I will stay here in case they come back,” Jesus says.

“What movie should we watch? Or  _ a bunch _ of shows!  _ Criminal Minds _ ?” Fran asks.

“No way,” Jesus denies.

“ _ Unsolved Mysteries _ ,” Fran tries again. 

“Francesca, no.”

“What? What happened to Mari and Levi is _ basically _ an unsolved mystery. Maybe it will give us ideas,” Fran bargains.

“Not in a million years. Just put on... _ Moana _ …” Jesus tries.

“No, it’s too sad, I’ll think about Levi the whole entire time.” Fran objects.

“Fine. Just...turn on MLP. Watch as many as you want,” Jesus urges.

“Will you please watch with me?” Fran asks, her eyes brimming with tears.

“Yeah,” Jesus says, settling on the couch next to Fran. “I’ll watch with you.”


	71. Seen

“Can you stay for dinner?” Jess asks after a while. “Coby knows this really great pizza place. The bacon cheeseburger pizza is to die for.”

Mariana and Levi glance at each other. They’re so careful not to use expressions like that. Also, Mariana’s so used to just not eating pizza, ever. Because of veganism, but also Jesus.

She thinks of the bacon cheeseburger hotdish they all had on Fran’s birthday.

“Yeah...I mean, we could…” she nods. “If you want.”

Levi agrees. He spots a stack of Post-It notes and writes:  _ Vegan?  _ and then gestures at Mari.

“Oh, there’s totally vegan options, yeah,” Jess tells Mariana.

“I’m fine. Don’t go out of your way. We’re kinda...like...the group of us...we’re fans...of bacon cheeseburger stuff. My little sis...she had this pizza...I think it was the same kind? She said it was really good.”

“She’s so cute,” Elise gushes. “Francesca. She reminds me so much of Grace.”

“Most people hate preteens,” Mariana points out.

“No way. Who hates preteens?” Jess asks.

Levi looks pointedly at Mariana.

“My parents,” she says bluntly and looks at Levi for confirmation. “Right?”

He nods.

“Well, I’m glad you guys are away from them. Francesca seems great,” Jess says. “AJ’s not really into the makeup stuff. But she’s a cool kid.”

\--

“Where the hell are they?” Dominique asks, as Pearl drives around Brainerd.

“Dominique, trust that if I knew, I’d go straight there,” Pearl nods. “But I don’t. So...we’re just gonna have to...whoa…”

“What?” Dominique sits forward. Nothing looks familiar to her, naturally, so she has to take Pearl’s word for it.

“This…” she says, pulling up in front of a nondescript house.

“What? You think they’re here?” Dominique asks.

“No… I… I think  _ I _ lived here...with my mom...and my dad…”

“Holy shit…” Dominique whispers. “Are you okay?”

“I don’t know… And I know we’re supposed to be looking for Mari and Levi, but I… Do you think it’s creepy if I get out? Take a picture, or something?”

“You could knock,” Dominique urges. “There’s a car out front.”

“No. I’m half-worried my mother will be waiting inside. But I’d like to...to have documentation of it.”

“Pearl… I don’t know where your head’s at, but you really don’t need to ask for permission before you do these things. You’re okay.”

“You’re right,” Pearl nods, and she gets out. She stands on the driveway. She turns her phone, struck by the fact that the photo on her phone case was taken right here. Which is why it looks so familiar.

Dominique’s by her side. Pearl shows her the picture. “Same place. Same driveway.”

“Oh yeah, look. Same house in the background. You can just see the house number. I can take another for you,” she offers. “Or several? How many do you want?”

“We don’t have time for this. Levi and Mari are out there somewhere,” Pearl insists. “But fine. Take the pictures. However many.”

Dominique doesn’t need to be told twice. She turns on the shutter function and lets the camera take multiple pictures of Pearl, standing here, in the freaking perfect golden hour. Sun lights her perfectly.

And in a minute, Dominique’s done, and they’re back in the car.

Pearl doesn’t click through any pictures. She keeps her eyes open for Levi’s car.

\--

The pizza arrives, and it’s the most perfect thing Levi’s ever seen in his life. 

“Oh my God,” he moans as he takes a bite.

“I know,” Elise nods. “It’s the best.”

“I told you,” Jess laughs, smiling.

Their reaction is so lowkey Levi almost doesn’t realize that he spoke out loud. Food always gets him talking, though. 

He’s a bit on edge, hoping Elise and Jess aren’t too solicitous about the pizza, but so far, it’s okay. The pizza even came with a veggie wrap for Mariana.

“This is really good, thank you,” Mariana says. 

“No problem,” Elise nods. “Happy to do it.”

“Nobody leaves either of our houses hungry,” Jess says.

And Levi notices it as tears come to Mariana’s eyes. He takes her hand.

Jess offers her a napkin. “Sorry. I hit a nerve?”

“It’s good. It’s reassuring,” Mariana insists.

“We get that it’s important,” Elise nods. “For our own reasons, but yeah.”

“Yeah,” Mariana nods. She tries to busy herself taking another bite of her wrap.

\--

Jesus can only interest Fran in so many episodes of My Little Pony before she’s back to freaking out about where Mari and Levi are.

She’s not the only one.

Jesus’s heartbeat hasn’t been what it normally is since, like, noon. He gets that this happens sometimes. Just last fall, Fran misinterpreted Pearl and ended up going missing for an entire hour or something.

She was fine. 

But Jesus’s default is not set for these things turning out fine.

His default is set to imminent threat. Inevitable disaster.

He’s trying not to let Fran see his fear, but he doesn’t feel like it’s working out well.

“Can we at least walk around outside, just in case they’re out there? Like, maybe they’re on the dock or something… Levi likes it out there.”

“Buddy, look,” he points out the window, where there’s a clear view of the dock. “They’re not out there. We’d be able to see them, right?”

Her face crumbles. “Why didn’t you let me have one ounce of hope, Jesus?”

“Listen...I’m sorry. You wanna walk around outside? We can do that. That way, when they come back, we’ll see them first?”

Fran dries her tears.

They walk for a while, but it’s clear there’s nobody.

Jesus swings back into the cabin, taking Fran with him. “Let’s grab something to eat. Basic needs are important.” He scans the contents of the refrigerator and settles on some leftovers.

“But what if Mari and Levi aren’t eating,” Fran worries. “That’s not fair.”

Jesus’s mind jerks back through time. To a dark, cold basement. To starving, in the very real sense of the word. He takes a deep breath. “If they aren’t? They’ll need us at our strongest to help them out, right? So, we gotta take care of ourselves.”

“Okay,” she sighs. “Jesus?”

“Yeah?” he asks. 

“I really hate this,” Fran tells him honestly.

“I really hate this, too,” he nods, 

\--

Levi’s gotten oddly comfortable with Jess and Elise. Like, Jess’s house feels like it could be home. They just get each other - and more than that - they get Mariana - in a way none of the rest of The Avoiders can.

It’s something she’s needed, he knows.

They’ve moved on to talking about what they’re marathoning on Netflix. Elise, it turns out, is a major BSC fan, and loves the new series.

Conversation is just turning to the docu-series focused on each character when the front door opens. A man comes in, with a kid about Fran’s age...and Mari wasn’t kidding. Christian does look Levi’s age.

There are introductions, and Levi’s mouth goes dry. 

“Hey, man. You must be Levi,” Christian greets with an honest-to-God hug.

At arms-length again, Levi nods.

“Laryngitis?” he guesses, wincing. 

Levi shakes his head.

“Oh. No laryngitis,” Christian blinks. “Cool nails,” he compliments, showing his own - painted black.

“You don’t need to ask a billion questions,” AJ tells her brother, extending her hand. “Hey. I’m AJ. Don’t mind him,” she greets.

Levi smiles a little.

He gives Jacob, Jess’s husband the nod, but keeps his attention on Mariana. It doesn’t take long for her to start looking overwhelmed.

Levi squeezes her hand, raises his eyebrows and points to the door.

She nods.

“You guys heading out?” Jacob asks.

“Yeah. Nice to meet you,” Mariana manages.

Elise rushes to give them hugs. “Please come back. Or maybe we can come to you. Jess and I...maybe not the whole gang…”

“Hey, I’m offended,” Christian jokes.

“Sounds good,” Mariana says.

“Let us know if you need anything, Mariana. Please,” Jess calls.

“Okay,” Mariana answers. “You, too.”

\--

The ride back to Levi’s mom’s is quiet. 

Mariana puts on her sunglasses and is glad when music-loving Levi doesn’t turn on the radio.

She needs the quiet like it’s air.

They’re parking in front of Levi’s mom’s. They’re inside. And Mari’s just looking for a place to crash.

He opens the door to his parents room. To their queen size bed. She’s too exhausted to question it. She’s half-scared he’ll wanna join her here, but instead, Levi covers her with a blanket.

“Safest place I know,” he murmurs, leaving her and closing the door behind him.

\--

When Levi wakes and looks at his alarm clock, he can’t quite believe it’s 8:00. 8:00 what? AM or PM? It takes some time for the day to come back to him. The warm memory of hanging out with Jess and Elise for most of a day.

It’s night now. He’s oddly reassured he slept for only two hours, not twelve.

He’s glad they get to recharge here.

Levi ventures out to the living room and waits on the couch. He doesn’t check his phone. This is their day. Mari’s right. They can have one damn day to themselves.

In ten minutes, Mari joins him, sitting quietly beside him. Leaning comfortably against him, her head on his shoulder. “When Jess said the thing about no one leaving hungry...it made me… I thought of something.”

“Hmm,” he offers, as close to words as he’s got.

“Moms...they used to do this thing when Fran was little? Ice cream for dinner? Kinda what we did when you visited? Usually in the summer… After a beach day…and after… Just… I looked at this bowl of like, lemon-raspberry ice, which is what I usually got...when we went wherever we went.”

Levi nods.

“I was like, ‘What about dinner?’ This was...maybe three months later? After the accident? And they were like, ‘This is it. This  _ is  _ dinner.’

Levi listens, eyebrows drawn up in concern.

“I just...started crying… It reminded me...too much...of the hospital. The non-food I had to eat right away...after...and like...I was just…”

“Hungry?” he whispers.

Mariana nods. “But...it’s like...they forgot. They...never forgot Jesus’s food issues, but with me? They laughed in my face, and were like, ‘ _ What’s wrong _ ?’ They were kind of hugging me, and also acting like I was being ridiculous. Saying I’d like it if I tried it.  _ ‘You’ll remember how good it is…’” _

Levi shakes his head, disappointed. Obviously, it wasn’t about that. He takes her hand and walks with her to the pantry in the kitchen and opens the door. He spots a package of Nutter Butters, some apple crisp granola bars, and a bottle of water.

He carries them back to the couch and puts them firmly in her hands.

“You’re gonna make me cry again… All of this is fucking vegan,” she sobs. “You Googled, didn’t you?”

Levi shrugs. He can’t take credit for his mom having vegan snacks on hand - or the fact that he has a deep abiding love for Nutter Butters and apple crisp granola bars.

(He did Google, though, so he’d know at a glance not to offer her his beloved pizza Pringles or orange soda.)

Finally, he nods. He opens the Nutter Butters and offers her one.

She takes it. Takes a bite. Closes her eyes.

“This is why we’re friends,” she says, leaning against him. “Friends who kiss. Or I guess.. _.have _ kissed. Once.”

He taps her shoulder, eyebrows raised. He bites his lip.

“Maybe twice?” she asks.

He nods and she leans in closer.

The kiss is gentle. Soft. Searching.

When she pulls away, there are questions in his eyes.

She studies him. “No, I need some more,” she decides.

He laughs, silent.

She’s on the way to kissing him when she stops short. “Okay?”

He nods, cradling the back of her head.

They kiss again. Levi can feel himself relaxing. It’s like he’s at ease. Like he’s found himself somehow. In this connection.

After, she just leans against him. Levi’s arms are around her.

They don’t say anything.

They don’t need to.

Their hearts beat in perfect sync.

He never wants this moment to end.


	72. Dark

Driving around has done next to nothing. The only good thing that came of it was Pearl finding the house she grew up in, and she isn’t even positive that’s a good thing. So many memories of her past just weren’t good at all - which could be why they’ve all but vanished from her mind.

It’s nearly 8 PM when the sun starts going down. When Dominique gets unexpectedly teary.

“Wait...are… Are you okay?” Pearl asks. “They’re gonna come back, Dominique. They will.”

“You can’t promise that. And it’s the damn sunset...and I missed watching the sunrise with Levi this morning and what if that was the last time?” she worries.

Pearl gulps, thinking much the same. Wondering if her brief time sharing a sunrise on Dad’s anniversary is all they will ever have now. 

But Dominique doesn’t need her worrying. She needs… Well, Pearl has no idea.

“What would help?” Pearl asks.

“To get them back,” Dominique sniffs. “But we can’t do that. And what if they can’t do that?”

“I know this is horrible,” Pearl soothes. “Trust me, I know. But we can’t help them if we’re spinning out.”

“I can’t drive around in the dark…” Dominique admits.

“I can’t safely either,” Pearl agrees.

“What good are we to them back at the cabin?” Dominique worries.

“Well…” Pearl breathes. “We can check in with Jesus and Fran. See if Mariana has been in touch.”

“She hasn’t,” Dominique insists. “Every single one of my texts...she hasn’t responded to one.”

“I know...but maybe they came back…” Pearl says weakly.

She turns toward home, and they drive in silence. She thinks of the photos Dominique took. Of Pearl’s own face, serious in the perfect evening light. She wouldn’t dream of not smiling for a picture her mother would see. But for friends? She could be herself.

Pearl shakes her head, feeling shame for daring to think about anything other than Levi. Than Mariana. Than their safety.

\--

“Did you find them?” Fran wonders, the minute Pearl and Dom walk in.

“No,” Dominique shakes her head. “They’re not here?”

“We drove by Nia’s a couple times in case they were there, but no one was. I know Nia’s out of town, but I thought...maybe they’d stop there,” Pearl admits.

“It was a good thought,” Jesus reassures.

“You guys… It’s been more than ten hours now…” Fran worries. “And I keep thinking we should for sure tell Moms, but I don’t want Mari to be in trouble, if she really is okay…”

“Rosa said wait ‘til 10 AM tomorrow to really worry…” Dominique says.

“But I can’t help when I worry,” Fran objects.

No one suggests Francesca go to bed, and she’s glad. It’s not like last year when Levi disappeared, and everybody just acted like he was fine.

Now, they’re all freaking out together. Fran likes the solidarity.

They wait together in a line on the couch. They can’t watch TV. They can’t concentrate enough to read. Fran’s mind keeps making up worst case scenarios for what could be happening to Mariana and Levi.

What if there was another car accident? Mari and Levi would not drive drunk but what if another person did, and crashed into them? What if their cell phones were crushed in the accident? What if they were kidnapped? What if police stopped them?

“I can’t handle this…” Fran moans. “I don’t wanna think about all the things that could be happening, but I can’t stop.”

“I hear you,” Pearl agrees.

“I know,” Jesus says, too.

Dominique just puts an arm around her.

Eventually, they move to the table. 

“Who wants coffee?” she asks.

Fran’s hand shoots up.

“I don’t think so,” Jesus shakes his head.

“Jesus, Mariana let me have some when I was eleven,” Francesca objects. “So, now I’m twelve. I’m definitely old enough.”

“I can water it down,” Dominique offers.

“No. Gross,” Fran wrinkles her nose.

She checks all her apps for the millionth time. Nothing from Mari or Levi. But there’s a text from Giselle...and one from Bella:

**Giselle:**

_ I’m so excited you can come to camp with me. It will be so fun!!! _

Fran ignores this. She can’t afford to think about camp right now.

**Bella:**

_ Hey, I miss you. A lot. It’s so boring without you being here. We would have so much fun together swimming and reading and talking about life. How are you? _

**Fran:**

_ So worried bc Maris gone and Levi to. We do not know where they went. But it has been eleven hours. [sad emoji] _

**Bella:**

_ Oh no. But isn’t Levi from there? They couldn’t get lost or anything could they? _

**Fran:**

_ There are worse things than being lost… _

**Bella:**

_ I know. [awkward emoji] I didn’t want to mention those. Tell me the minute they come back? _

Fran reaches idly for the cup set in front of her. She tastes hot chocolate. She wants to be mad, but it tastes so good.

Bella’s text makes Fran remember right after Mari’s accident. Making Callie promise that she’d tell Fran the minute Mariana woke up. 

Callie had.

That gives Fran an idea.

First, she texts Bella back:  _ I promise. _

Then, she opens a new text. To Callie. Texting her is almost like 911 but not quite.

**Francesca:**

_ Hi, don’t tell moms but Mariana’s been gone all day and we don’t know where she is. _

**Callie:**

_ Did she leave a note? _

Fran screenshots the text Mariana sent this morning and sends it to Callie.

**Francesca:**

_ Just that. _

**Callie:**

_ If she’s with Levi...and she texted you guys...I’m less worried. _

**Francesca:**

_ But she hasn’t said anything sense then! Me and Jesus and Pearl and Dom are all worried. _

**Callie:**

_ Hang on. Let me try something. _

\--

Callie purses her lips and tries to breathe. Tries not to remember two years ago...when Mariana stopped responding to texts. When the worst happened.

Since then, Callie had come up with a way for them to check in with each other. Mari had come up with it - a special notification for their texts - that meant  _ urgent. _

**Callie:**

_ Mariana, I saw the headlines abt Nick. Are you okay? Please respond. _

(It’s true. Callie  _ has _ . And while the name Nick Stratos isn’t going to mean much to anybody else in the family, Callie has been known to do a little detective work of her own. She learned Nick’s name and as much about him as possible, so she could keep an eye out.)

**Mariana:**

_ [thumbs up emoji] _

\--

Jesus is trying to keep it together, when Fran speaks up super loud in the quiet. 

“She just gave Callie a thumbs up emoji! Mariana!”

“Seriously?” Jesus asks.

“Nice that she could respond to Callie and not to us…” Dominique mutters. “I’m sorry. That wasn’t nice. I’m exhausted.”

“Do you think you can go to bed, buddy?” Jesus asks.

“No way,” Fran shakes her head. “I’m staying up ‘til everybody’s back and safe.”

“Let her,” Pearl says, and Jesus relents. No use in pushing the issue when they’re all already so wired.

\--

Levi glances at Mariana in the porch light, and squeezes her hand. 

She leans toward him and taps her cheek.

He kisses it softly.

“If C texted me...well...that means...they’re probably all losing their shit in there,” Mariana warns. “Are you ready?”

Levi shakes his head.

“Right. We should have a plan,” she whispers. “If they’re...like...not reasonable… We…”

Levi points through the dark to his cabin.

“You’re heading home?” she asks.

He nods.

“Good...and I’ll just...say I’m going to bed…” Mariana decides.

\--

It turns out, no amount of preparation is enough.

The second the door is open, Jesus, Pearl, Dom and Fran are in their faces, all talking at once.

“What the hell, Mariana?” Jesus asks.

“Where  _ were _ you?” Pearl demands, facing Levi.

“Nice that you could text Callie and not us,” Fran says, indignant. “I thought you crashed your car!”

“We thought you got grabbed…” Dominique insists.

“We didn’t,” Mariana says. “Stop...talking all at once. Please.”

“You didn’t think to even tell us where you were going?” Jesus says.

Mariana’s eyes flash, and Levi steps in front of Mariana, protective.

“What the fuck, Jesus?” Mariana asks, hurt.

“One text?” Jesus asks. “We expected you back in two hours. At most. Where were you?”

“I’m going to bed,” Mariana decides, turning for the bedroom. She can hear Levi opening the front door to leave. Hears footsteps behind her.

“Don’t,” she says sharply at Fran. “Only if you’re gonna sleep, not talk.”

Just like she thought, Fran stays behind.

\--

Levi’s halfway between their cabins when he hears a door clunk shut and Dudley’s tags clinking together in the darkness.

“Dude. Wait.” Jesus says breathless, but Levi doesn’t slow down. He gets to the door. Unlocks it. Lets himself in.

Jesus follows him. “What happened today? That cannot happen again. We don’t freaking disappear on each other. I get that’s like, a thing your dad did, or whatever, but it’s not cool.”

Levi doesn’t even turn, he just rushes downstairs, Panther at his side. He slams his bedroom door.

What right does Jesus have talking about Dad like that? 

In this moment - _just_ this moment - Levi hates him.

It takes him hours to fall asleep that night. Even the memory of kissing Mariana can’t ease his mind.


	73. Fallout

Despite all the upheaval, Mariana falls asleep and sleeps hard. When she wakes up, the light is stabbingly bright in the window, and Fran isn’t beside her.

Still mad? Getting back at her?

There’s no way to know. 

And Mari’s not sure she wants to know what conversation did or didn’t happen with the other four of them, once Levi left and she went to bed.

She needs coffee, but the last thing she wants to do is make it known she’s awake. By doing that, she’ll make herself a target for all the anger brewing out there.

Mariana cracks the door. 

Pearl’s awake on the couch. Fran’s beside her. They’re watching TV.

They turn toward her in tandem.

“Let’s talk,” Pearl starts.

“Let’s not,” Mariana denies.

“Come on, Mariana,” Fran begs. “We’re just worried. That’s all.  _ You  _ were worried when we were here the first time, when I was four. When we didn’t know where Jesus was. This is that same thing. Again.”

“It’s not. We’re adults. Jesus was still a minor,” Mariana argues, deciding fuck it, and brewing the coffee. “I’m not doing this.”

“What? So you’re just gonna ignore us again?” Fran insists. “That’s not a thing we do, Mariana. It’s mean. Moms do it to us, we don’t do it to each other.”

Roberta yowls loudly from the second floor. In moments, Dominique is there, opening the door and coming down the stairs. She looks exhausted, and Mariana feels awful. Responsible for all the sleep The Avoiders didn’t get.

“Morning,” Dominique mumbles, pouring food into Roberta’s bowl.

Mariana nods. Her eyes travel to the back door, where she saw Levi yesterday morning. 

He’s not here this morning.

But they need a plan.

\--

Levi’s barely slept at all when he starts hearing sounds that mean Jesus is up and moving around just after 10 AM.

He pulls a pillow over his head, but Jesus has a heavy tread and Dudley’s dog nails click every two seconds on the uncarpeted floor upstairs.

Levi checks his phone, bleary eyed.

He finds a text from Mari:

_ We need a plan. They’re eating me alive over here. Nia’s? Meet me? _

Levi sends a thumbs up, and then uses the door downstairs to escape. He always nearly forgets it’s there, but with Jesus pacing upstairs, there’s really no way to avoid him otherwise. And Levi knows without trying that he still can’t speak.

Anxiety’s shredding his nerves. Pearl had been coming at him with every Carla vibe ever yesterday. And then...it was almost worse when Jesus followed him here and said the thing about Dad.

So, Levi doesn’t feel too bad stealing out the back door with Panther at his side. He walks to the car and opens the door for Panther to get in. Then he drives next door to Frank’s and waits by the side door.

Levi watches as Mariana appears, and then she and Fran go back and forth for a while. He can guess what they’re saying.

Finally, Mariana gets outside and sits in the car beside him.

“Holy shit,” she breathes. “Fran just… I can’t with her. With any of them. Not right now.”

Levi nods, sympathetic. His heart is pounding in his chest but Mariana can’t see it. She keeps talking:

“She’s like ‘ _ You’re not doing the same thing again _ ,’ and I was like,  _ ‘Watch me. _ ’ Pearl was like...wanted me to at least tell where we were going, but no. I’m sorry. It’s not gonna be private if we tell them.”

Levi nods.

“I’m sorry. Did you sleep at all?” Mariana asks.

He shakes his head.

“Panther’s coming?” she asks, even though it's obvious. Panther keeps sticking her head between the seats to give Levi kisses.

He nods.

“I don’t get them…” Mariana sighs. “I mean… I kinda do. I get that anxiety. But we’re adults! I don’t owe them my every move. My twelve-year-old sister doesn’t get to dictate what I get to do.”

Levi offers his hand.

“Your mom really doesn’t mind us living in her house when she’s not there? Where  _ is _ she anyway?” Mariana asks.

Levi shakes his head to the first question. He can’t answer the second.

“Right. Sorry.”

“Jesus…” Levi’s lips form the name noiselessly. 

“God...was he awful?” Mariana winces.

Levi nods again, miserable.

“I’m sorry,” Mariana apologizes.

He shakes his head, raising Mariana’s hand to his lips but stops short.

“Go,” she says.

He presses his lips to her knuckles.

“We’ll figure this out,” she promises. “I don’t know how...but we will…”

\--

“What the hell? They just  _ left _ ?” Jesus asks. “I mean, I guess I shouldn’t be surprised...but that’s just rude as hell…”

“Because when you couldn’t find Levi, you were positive he came here, but he really just drove his car over and Mari left again. Same as yesterday,” Fran fills in.

Jesus scratches his head.

“I tried to get them to stay and talk, but it was no use,” Pearl says.

“Not like we could block the door.” Dominique sighs.

“No, I know. I know they have the right to go, but like… What the hell happened? We’re right to be upset about this, aren’t we?”

“I don’t know…” Dominique offers. “I know we  _ are _ upset about it. And feelings are valid. But everybody we’ve talked to...Rosa, Oliver, and most important, Mariana… They’ve all pointed out...Mari and Levi are adults.”

“But it’s common courtesy!” Pearl exclaims.

“Unless it isn’t,” Dominique says.

“What?” Pearl asks.

“It’s about their right to do whatever the hell they want. They’re adults. On vacation. If Mari didn’t have a brain injury… If Levi were able to speak...would we be reacting like this?” Dominique wonders.

“Probably not, because we wouldn’t have to be afraid for them,” Jesus allows. “But we do.”

“But  _ be back later _ ?” Pearl presses. “That’s not what you say when you’re planning to be gone for twelve hours…”

\--

Francesca’s been texting Bella since this morning. She definitely told her the second Mari and Levi got home safe, and then stayed up super late in the living room texting her.

She and Bella kinda fought.

( _ “Why are you mad?” _ Bella had asked.  _ “They’re back. They’re okay. That’s good news.” _

_ “Wow. You don’t understand me at all,”  _ Fran had remarked, angry.  _ “Do you even  _ know _ what happened to my brother?” _

_ “Yes, when he was a kid. Mariana’s 23. She’s with her...Levi.” _

_ “So? Being grown up doesn’t make you immune from bad things happening, Bella!”  _ Fran had snapped.

_ “I know. I’m just saying. You trust Mariana and Levi with a lot. They’re, like, some of the safest people you know, right? So trust them now,” Bella had begged. _

_ “No,” Fran crossed her arms. _

_ “You can change your opinion, you know?”  _ Bella had stated quietly. _ “Especially if you learn or realize more about a situation.”) _

Her words had stuck with Fran. All night long, she turned them over in her mind.

Even now, Fran’s busy thinking. 

If Mariana didn’t have a brain injury, Dominique had said. This whole thing is reminding her a lot of when Mari used to get in trouble from Moms like every day for stuff she couldn’t even help.

So, Levi can’t talk right now. That’s not his fault.

Fran keeps thinking about what Pearl said. About how you don’t say _ be back later _ when you’re planning to be gone for twelve hours.

“It’s what  _ Mariana _ says,” Fran points out. She glances up from her phone, where she’s looking at Mariana’s text from yesterday. She’s feeling eyes on her. “What? It is,” Fran shows them the screen for proof. “She says what she can. You guys know. We can say _ if she didn’t have a brain injury _ ...but she does. It means she can’t say all the words you guys would. So maybe it’s not fair to blame her.”

“Still,” Jesus argues. “Do not get any ideas from them, Francesca.”

“What did I do?” Fran asks. “And don’t do the thing that Moms do! Where they make Mariana seem like the actual worst.”

“I thought we were all in agreement,” Pearl says, arms crossed. “You changed your tune quickly.

“You can change your opinion, you know?” Fran says a little witheringly, quoting Bella. She shakes her phone at Pearl. “I’m just saying...you guys all said to me...make a safety plan. You’d come and get me if I felt unsafe. You and Mariana said Moms weren’t allowed to stop me from leaving. But I tried to stop Mariana. I’m just saying...maybe we’re not being very safe friends right now. Maybe they’re right to go.”

“They just wanted to live their damn lives,” Dominique speaks up. “I mean, yes, we all have trauma. That’s always gonna be a thing. But it’s not an excuse to be assholes to our friends.”

“Levi’s my little brother. It’s different,” Pearl maintains. “What if it was Fran?”

“It’s not me,” Fran points out.

“It’s not about age,” Pearl insists.

“Maybe it is,” Dominique insists.

“Whoever’s right. Whoever’s wrong. We gotta deal with this. I don’t like this rift happening between us. So, we gotta be calm. Deal?” Jesus says.

“I’m always calm,” Fran claims.

“Ha ha,” Jesus laughs drily. “I’m serious. If they contact us… Can we promise we’re gonna be cool? Not overwhelm them.”

“Maybe admitting we grossly mishandled things would be a good start…” Dominique says.

“Probably,” Jesus nods.

\--

Levi sits at Mom’s kitchen table. This time, there’s nothing in front of him. He can’t even think about eating. He’s short of breath, but it’s not obvious without his other tells that usually give away his panic.

His phone chimes with a Marco Polo.

Dominique.

He plays it.

“ _ I just wanna say I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to disrespect y’all’s autonomy.” _

Mariana comes and sits down, too. They watch together. It’s to both of them, after all.

“ _ I was worried, but I didn’t handle things right. I don’t want y’all to feel like you have to run when things get hard. Not unless you just wanna have your own time. Which, I get that’s probably what yesterday was. If you wanna Polo back, I’m here. If not, I understand.” _

Just Levi’s luck that Dom’s the first one to Polo back. He has barely any issues with her. She didn’t give off every threatening vibe like Pearl or speak ill of Dad like Jesus.

“Do you want to?” Mariana asks, pushing a piece of toast in Levi’s direction.

He points to the toast and then to the phone, confusion on his face.

“Well, either…” Mariana answers.

He nods.

She gets her phone and types two words across a teal background.

_ Thank you. _

\--

“You can eat, you know?” Mariana encourages.

But Levi doesn’t have an appetite. He leans toward her and whispers in her ear:  _ “He was like, ‘This can’t happen. I get that it’s a thing your dad did, but we don’t disappear on each other…’” _

“God damn it, Jesus…” Mariana swears. “I’m so sorry. Hug?”

He nods and she wraps her arms around him. Holds on. She’s not a hug person, never has been, but she knows Levi is. 

This is for him.


	74. Without

“God, your heart’s pounding…” Mariana observes, as she hugs Levi. She holds Levi at arm’s length, looking into his eyes. “We’re okay. We’re safe,” she tells him.

But all that Levi can feel is all that old fear. The fear of needing to escape - to get away - and to have no way to call for help besides. Only now… Now, it’s like, he made it to Mom and Dad’s somehow, but neither one is here.

There’s no one who can save him.

He feels every inch the eight-year-old he had been, sitting on the front steps of Carla’s house, alone, and wondering if Dad was ever coming back, or if he decided to leave, like he left Pearl.

“You don’t feel safe…” Mariana observes.

Levi swallows. He pushes the toast away. The bite he took scraped its way down his throat.

“What would help?” Mariana asks. “A blanket?”

Levi just stares, kind of through her.

“You’re shaking… You want me to just hold you?” Mariana tries.

Barely, Levi inclines his body toward her, and Mari wraps her arms tight around him. Her hugs are deep. All-encompassing. He smells her shampoo - something light and clean - and feels a little soothed as she rocks them back and forth slightly. Eventually, she hums.

Hearing it gives him an idea. He stands up, but holds onto her. They walk together over to the old piano in the corner of the living room. The one Mom had brought, even though Levi already knew he wasn’t going to last long in a house without Dad.

He sits - scooting to one side - in case Mari wants to join.

She does.

Softly, Levi begins to play Kesha’s  _ Praying _ . His song choice here has a history, and Mariana will recognize it...at least he hopes she will. It’s what he played for her when she was in the middle of her life and feeling out of control. He can’t remember why now, just that the distance between them felt insurmountable. Just that he would have given anything to have been there with her. This song was all he had to offer.

“You’re freaking out...like I was...when you played this for me,” Mariana comments softly.

Levi just keeps playing. No lyrics this time, because he can’t make a sound if he tries.

But he can play.

So he does, pouring himself into this song. And eventually, Mariana is singing along. God, she has a beautiful voice. He wishes he could record this...but he knows it would ruin the moment. He knows he wouldn’t really want his panic-song documented - even for their private use.

Levi blinks. He realizes he’s stopped playing. There are tears running down his face.

“Come here,” Mariana invites and she leads him over to the old couch, where he and Dad used to sit and watch TV. She pulls a blanket over him. And then promises she’ll be right back.

She’s in the kitchen, puttering, and then she’s back, with the Vader mug Dad got Mom after Vader died.

On it, there’s a picture of a black lab that could be Vader’s twin, and facts about Great Danes on the back.

“This is just hot water,” Mariana explains, setting several tea bags down beside the cup. Peppermint. Chamomile. Spearmint. English Breakfast.

He gets what she’s not saying. She knows his triggers around being offered food. How closely those are tied to his other feelings. His feelings he felt when Carla did what she did. Like she lured him in with food, like bait.

So, here’s Mari, giving him choices. 

Her thoughtfulness almost breaks him.

“I understand...if eating’s hard…” she manages. “I don’t want you to feel like you can’t...I just...I know how you feel about…”

He nods. 

Finally, he picks the spearmint. He walks to the kitchen for milk. For sugar. When he tries to add it to the tea, the milk sloshes onto the coffee table. The tablespoon of sugar trembles in his hands.

But Mariana doesn’t insist. She doesn’t take over.

She just casually wipes up, almost immediately.

Once the tea is made, they sit side by side as he sips it, letting the warmth seep into the coldness of his hands. He starts to nod off against Mariana’s shoulder.

He rouses himself enough to set the cup down on the table again. 

Mariana pulls the blanket around them both. 

“Good job,” she whispers. “I know that was hard. You rest.”

\--

The whole time Levi sleeps, Mariana’s awake, drafting. 

It’s clear Dominique is realizing how they reacted was messed up. Fran’s still young. Mariana’s most concerned about Jesus and Pearl. Their closeness to Mari and Levi makes their intensity around this whole situation unacceptable.

They need some damn boundaries.

Panther has come over and sits near Levi, just watching him sleep. It’s like she knows something’s wrong. She probably does. She’s been around Levi these entire two years.

So far, the notes section of Mariana’s phone looks like this:

_ Boundaries: _

_ Calm discussion _

_ One person speaks at a time _

_ Listen to understand, not to respond. _

_ Know we are not responsible for your feelings. You are. _

_ Ask questions, don’t accuse. _

By the time Levi wakes up, Mariana can feel it. The way his breath catches. The way his body tenses.

“Hey,” she says. “Panther’s here. I think she might want a hug…”

Levi sits up and taps his shoulders. Apparently, Panther has learned hand signals, because she responds instantly, putting her boney dog legs on his shoulders and adjusting until she’s holding onto him. She even licks his cheek.

A rare smile breaks out over Levi’s face.

When Panther gets down, Mariana shows Levi what she’s been working on.

“I know...we probably need to face them at some point...but...we need these.”

He nods.

“Anything to add?”

Levi opens his own note on his own phone:

_ Talking Points: _

“Oh. Good idea,” Mariana nods, and they get to work.

\--

When they’re as ready as they’re gonna be, and Levi’s managed to eat a few pizza Pringles and drink some water, he picks a nondescript place for them to video chat from. Where nothing will be visible behind them but an empty wall.

“I forwarded the boundaries to them…” Mariana starts. “And...we could...sit at the table or something?” she offers.

He shakes his head. The last thing he wants is Pearl recognizing some bit of Mom’s house and knowing in two seconds where to find them.

“Okay. It’s your call,” Mariana relents. “Ready?”

Levi nods. 

“One thing?” Mariana says, studying Levi seriously. “I’m probably going to get pissed. Maybe yell. But I’m not mad at you.”

Levi nods. He squeezes her hand.

They both take a deep breath, and Mariana hits a button.

In seconds, Jesus, Pearl, Fran and Dominique are all there, gathered around a single device.

“Hey,” Jesus offers. His voice is tight. It makes Levi even more nervous.

“We got your list,” Fran tells them. “And we’ll do everything it says. And I’m sorry I wasn’t a very safe friend and tried to stop you from going, Mariana. Because we aren’t supposed to do that.”

“Thanks...because...that didn’t feel good. Neither did hearing that you thought I crashed my car…”

“I know. I didn’t say it to be mean on purpose…” Fran says. “That’s just the last time nobody knew where you were, I thought….”

“It was...but...now, you know. That was a really hard time for me. And I need you not to, like...judge who I contact and who I don’t,” Mariana tries.

“What do you mean?” Fran asks.

“I mean, you kinda threw it in my face that I texted Callie back and not the rest of you. But that was my choice. I’m an adult.”

“That’s what Oliver said. And Rosa,” Fran adds.

“You talked to...them? About this?” Mari asks.

“Just like, instead of calling the police,” Fran assures them. “Because we weren’t gonna do that. Don’t worry. We just called other safe people instead. And we did not call Moms.”

“But...God… You guys…. What the fuck?” Mariana exclaims.

“What?” Jesus asks, confused.

“What?” Mariana retorts. “That’s all you’re gonna say? After you acted like my fucking  _ dad _ ? Saying you expected me home in two hours?”

“What? It was a reasonable assumption,” Pearl objects.

“No, it wasn’t!” Mariana insists. “It was an ableist assumption that I resent the hell out of! I’m not a damn child, and I literally never said two hours! And Jesus, I thought we...agreed you were going to not do the brain-related insults.” 

“The what? Hold on. What did I say?” Jesus asks, bewildered.

“That I didn’t think to text!” Mariana exclaims, tears shining in her eyes. “Hi, I  _ did _ text! I texted every single one of you! Because I give a shit! Because I  _ knew _ the history here.”

Levi holds Mari’s hand off camera. He squeezes.

She squeezes back. They both stop to take a breath.

“I’m sorry,” Jesus apologizes, looking stunned.

“And you guys… You called Rosa and Oliver? You’re doing...exactly the same thing we hated Moms doing… Where they needed someone else to tell them that it was bad to be assholes to us...in order to believe it,” Mariana insists, looking at them.

“I’m sorry I texted Oliver,” Fran apologizes looking teary. “I really was just worried about you. You weren’t saying anything back, and everybody else was freaking out.”

“And I’m sorry I DM’d Rosa,” Dominique apologizes. “We shouldn’t have. We should have taken your communication and just...waited...I guess.”

Levi nods.

“I’m sorry for losing my shit. For treating you like a kid,” Jesus apologizes, not looking at Mariana. “But I wasn’t trying to be ableist. You get that, right? That with my history this whole thing just felt...hella awful?”

“Maybe not, but you were,” Mariana maintains. “Sometimes your trauma’s ableist. I don’t need…” she glances at Levi. “ _ We  _ don’t need speaking saviors, okay? Yeah, we go nonverbal sometimes. We deal with it. We know how to deal with it better than anyone else. Don’t assume we need you to come and speak for us or hold our hands. We don’t. And it’s really fucking infantilizing that you guys would treat us like we do.”

“We never meant that,” Pearl comments softly. “Levi, I… I never meant to demean you.”

Levi looks away.

“I’m sorry. Did I… _ do _ something? Is there some reason that you’re still not speaking to me?” Pearl asks.

“He’s triggered,” Mariana fills in, glancing down at the talking point Levi made. “Very. You came at him with all your mom’s energy last night...after you shut him down when he tried to talk about his own trauma...so… Don’t make this about you. Be supportive,” Mariana says flatly.

“I’m sorry,” Pearl apologizes. “I shouldn’t have reacted so strongly last night and scared you. And I’m sorry I shut you down when you tried to share about your trauma, Levi.”

Levi nods, but still can’t look at Pearl. He taps the last point on his phone screen, looking to Mariana.

“Also...we think it’s really shitty that you’d tell Levi that you get that disappearing is a thing his dad did, but that we don’t do that to each other.”

“You  _ said _ that?” Pearl asks Jesus, looking stung.

“I was mad and I-- Yeah, I did,” Jesus admits.

“Dude, we don’t talk shit about each other’s parents, unless it’s consensual…” Dominique warns lowly. “And I mean, with the person whose parent you’re trash-talking.”

“Right, I know,” Jesus nods. “I’m really sorry, Levi. There’s no excuse. I should have never said what I said.”

“Are you ever coming back?” Fran asks. “Also where are you?”

“That’s private,” Dominique reminds. “They’ll tell us if they want us to know.”

“We’re coming back,” Mariana reassures. “We just need time.”

\--

When Nia’s car pulls into the drive just after they hang up, Levi goes outside to meet her.

Mariana wonders how she’ll react to the fact that she and Levi have basically been living here on and off for the last twenty-four hours.

“Well, this is a nice surprise. Kids in my house at last,” she greets them. “Can I kiss you, Mariana? On the cheek?”

Mariana nods and offers her face.

“Levi’s bringing in the groceries. He’s pretty quiet. Did something happen?” Nia wonders, concerned.

“Did he say I could tell you?” Mariana asks.

“I asked if something happened, and he nodded,” Nia passes along.

“What?” Levi asks softly, walking in with a bag of groceries.

“I asked if something happened, and you nodded your head. Can Mariana fill me in? Or would you rather deal with it yourselves?”

“We are,” he nods.

“Yeah, we are,” Mariana confirms, then she falls in beside Levi and Nia, taking their directions as she helps unpack groceries and puts them away.

It’s nice. Homey.

A feeling Mariana has felt far too infrequently for it to be comforting, usually. 

But for right now, it is.


	75. Amends

Pearl feels utterly useless when Levi and Mariana get off of video chat. All she wants is to discuss things with Levi one-on-one, but based on what she’s learned? This is likely the last thing Levi wants.

“So, what did we learn?” Francesca asks, clapping her hands.

“What?” Pearl asks. (It’s like Fran can read her mind…)

“You said that’s what we’re supposed to do when we make a mistake,” Fran points out. “Learn something. So, what did we learn?”

“Not to infantilize Mari and Levi because they sometimes go nonverbal,” Dominique offers.

“Can you use twelve-year-old words, though?” Fran asks.

“Yeah, please,” Jesus asks.

“Sorry. I learned not to treat Mari and Levi like babies because they can’t talk sometimes.”

“Oh, yeah. I hate it when people treat me like a baby. So I’m definitely not going to do that because I know how it feels…”

“I learned...the way we protect each other is sometimes a little messed up,” Jesus offers. “Me and Mari. Like, it worked when we were kids. But we’re not kids.”

“And I learned not to just randomly tell Mari I thought she crashed her car, because that was such a hard thing for her. And not to be bossy about who she texts.” Fran offers. “Pearl, what did you learn?”

“That I’m a terrible human…” Pearl moans.

“Uh-oh…” Jesus says. 

“That’s not one of the options. Sorry,” Fran says sweetly. “What could you do better next time?”

“Not channel my mother and her rage when I’m freaked out?” Pearl asks, miserable.

“You were worried. We get that,” Dominique offers.

“But apparently all Levi got was the million ways I remind him of my mother…” Pearl comments. She sighs. “So much of this just feels hopeless right now. Like, no matter how hard I try, I’m just going to keep failing…”

“And it’s April,” Jesus says softly. “And that just makes everything harder...for both of you.”

“It does,” Pearl nods.

She hasn’t bothered to talk much about her own traumaversaries, which are looming - in three to four days - and while she doesn’t have to worry about Levi being at work like she did last year, now she’s triggered him so badly he can’t even speak.

“Need to talk?” Dominique asks.

“I don’t see what good it’ll do,” Pearl sighs. “It’s been over twenty years for me… There’s not much to say…”

“Maybe not. But if you’ve only just started talking about it...and you want to...maybe there is,” Jesus offers.

Pearl shrugs. “Don’t worry about it. I’m just in a funk. I’ll be okay. It passes. Just keep doing what you regularly do.”

“Ignore you?” Fran asks, scandalized. “When I said that, even just joking? Levi said, ‘Never.’”

Pearl blinks back tears. 

“They’re right, you know?” Dominique says. “We don’t ignore each other. Especially if we know one of us is in pain. Makes sense if you don’t wanna talk about it, but we're not gonna  _ not _ be here for you.”

“Why not? I was definitely  _ not  _ there for Levi…” Pearl remarks, bitter. “I apparently shut him down, and I didn’t even realize I did it… Some big sister I am…”

“Older sibs make mistakes,” Jesus offers.

“They do,” Fran says. “No offense,” she adds, to Jesus sweetly.

“You’re telling the truth. That doesn’t offend me,” Jesus reassures her.

“What would help?” Dominique asks. “Do you need to talk privately?”

Pearl can’t even nod.

Still, it seems Fran and Jesus take the hint and vacate. Jesus says they’ll start on dinner.

When Pearl goes out the front door, Cleo safely in her arms, Dominique follows her.

Standing alone on the porch, she crosses her arms. She knows this is like her mother in every way, but she can’t seem to stop. Despite being half from her dad - who was pretty great - by all accounts - all Pearl can feel are all the ways she’s like Carla. Who hurt her. Who threatened to kill her. Who hurt Levi so badly, he’s still dealing with the aftermath.

“I can’t face her…” Pearl manages.

“Who?” Dominique asks.

“My mom. I know… I’m going to have to...and now that I...know what she did to me? Why Dad left? I just… I can’t even think about being in the same physical space as she is…”

“I don’t...think you have to…” Dominique offers. “I think there are ways around a direct confrontation.”

“Right, I know. But I also know my mother. She’ll take any opportunity to get the upper hand. And I know Levi wants to be informed, and he deserves to be...but I’m going to be a mess seeing her. Just a panicking mess...and Levi...I already know the effect she has on him.”

“Sounds like a lot to be dealing with,” Dominique says sympathetically.

Pearl can feel Dominique standing behind her. Can feel that they are close enough to touch, but they don’t.

“I just want to connect with him...and I feel like I already blew it…” Pearl insists, crying all over Cleo, as the dog licks her face.

“No. You didn’t,” Dominique says. “You two have been through harder things than this, and you’re still there for each other. He’ll be back.”

Pearl’s flipping through pictures on her phone, glancing at all the shots Dominique took of Pearl in front of the old house when it brings forth an idea.

“Will you come somewhere with me?” Pearl asks. “I just got an idea. For me and Levi...and I think...I’d love it if you’d come with me.”

“Yeah,” she opens the door and calls inside: “Pearl and I are taking off,” and lets the door close.

They’re walking to Pearl’s car when Dominique says. “Damn, I feel called out right now. I just did the exact same thing we lost our shit over Mari and Levi doing. And nobody’s chasing after me demanding an explanation…”

“Growing is hard…” Pearl remarks. “Let’s go…”

\--

“Jesus?” Fran asks. 

“Yeah, buddy?” Jesus answers, stirring a lot of macaroni and cheese in a big pot. He’s making it Callie’s special way, because that’s the best way to make it.

“Would you ever say mean things about Timothy? Like what you said about Levi’s dad?” Fran wonders. “Like, if I did what they did? Levi and Mari? Would you say it’s all Timothy’s fault?”

“Francesca,” Jesus says. He stops stirring and adjusts the heat on the stove. He squats down in front of her, since she’s sitting in a chair. “That was a crappy thing I said to Levi, right?”

“Yup,” she nods. She traces the old scar on her knee.

“We aren’t supposed to say mean things to each other...so we try really hard not to. But sometimes… Sometimes, we do the wrong thing. Even though we know it’s wrong. My brain got ahead of my mouth and I just blurted that out. After I said it? Hearing the words and seeing his reaction? I knew I went too far. I needed to slow down. To breathe. To think first before I talked. But I didn’t, and that was my bad,” Jesus tells her.

“You still didn’t answer my question. Would you blame it all on Timothy if I do something you think is wrong? Would you say, like, he’s bad, or something? And that’s why _ I _ acted bad?” Francesca presses.

Jesus takes a deep breath. “I really hope not,” he says.

Her face falls.

“I know that’s not the answer you wanna hear. But I wanna be honest with you. I’m not perfect. That doesn’t mean I get a free pass to be a jerk. That means...that as hard as I try to never hurt anybody? I probably will sometimes. Because I’m human.”

“That disappoints me,” Fran admits, shaking her head. “Like... _ you _ don’t. But just...that as hard as we try, we’ll probably hurt people we love.”

“I hear that,” Jesus says. “And I definitely hear that you don’t want to hear bad things said about Timothy. That makes sense. Even though I don’t like Gabe (my bio dad) very much, I get mad when people say crap about him. And it wasn’t right for me to say that about Pearl and Levi’s dad.”

“So, that’s why you apologized,” Fran nods.

“Right. It’s good to apologize. And it’s why, if Levi or Pearl need to talk about it--”

“”--If Levi ever talks again--” Fran comments, matter-of-fact.

“Hey… This is Levi’s business...and what I’m about to tell you is Jude’s business...but you know that Jude goes quiet too sometimes? When there’s a lot going on?”

“I guess,” Fran shrugs.

“He talks again. It just takes a while. We gotta be patient. And not pressure him. Like with Mari...we don’t make fun. We don’t ask him stuff he can’t answer. Just...try to be supportive, okay?”

“I didn’t know that. About Jude. I always thought he was just ignoring me…” Fran admits.

“Well, it’s his business. So it’s not really for us to talk about with the other Avoiders. But since it’s relevant, I thought you’d wanna know. Let’s finish this up,” Jesus says.

\--

The trip for the journal is fun.

Dominique feels a little wrong about that, but it’s true. Once Pearl let Dom in on her idea, picking out just the right journal for Pearl and Levi to share feels like just the kind of challenge Dominique loves.

“Any details you wanna give me about this shared journal idea?” she asks.

“I just...I want something we can share. That we can..use to connect,” Pearl says, though it’s clear she’s not divulging everything.

They’re in the journal section of a bookstore, and Dominique can see Pearl gravitating toward journals her teenage self might have once enjoyed. Covered cardboard binding. Spiral bound fancy notebooks.

“What about something like this?” Dominique asks, having spied one in an actual box.

“Wow…” Pearl breathes. “This is expensive…” She opens the box, and exhales. “Leather… This is...perfect… I need something...that’s sacred.”

Dominique doesn’t laugh. 

Back home, she still has a journal crammed full of poems for Taylor. 

She knows all about sacred things.

“I’m gonna go for it,” Pearl decides.

She gets hung up briefly on the way to the checkout, because of thinking she sees someone, but together, they manage. Dominique walks alongside her - a barrier. And Pearl bought the journal.

“That...was…” Pearl manages breathless, when they’re back in the car. “The most reckless I’ve ever been with money. And it’s also...one of my best trips out in public… What does that mean?” She asks, her eyes bright.

“...That we need to shop together more often?” Dominique teases, a glint in her eyes. 

And they both laugh.

\--

When Pearl and Dominique get back, Pearl sets to work. She opens the brand new leather journal she bought carefully and writes on the first page:

_ April 7th, 2022 _

_ For April Feelings - Whatever we feel, whenever we feel them. Anything goes. Zero judgement. Love, Pearl _

_ Right now, I feel empty. _

_ I feel like I may have ruined things irreparably with you. _

_ I am triggered by my own body and all the ways I remind myself of her. I am not at home here. And there is no escape. _

_ My anniversary is looming and I don’t want to think about it. But I don’t want it forgotten. _

_ That’s all I’ve got. _

_ Oh. _

_ And I’ve got you. Always. _

_ Pearl _

Pearl sticks the journal in a purple gift bag with white tissue paper and hangs it on Levi’s bedroom door handle, so he sees it when he gets back home.

She checks the messages, to be sure Mom hasn’t called.

There’s one message, where someone’s on the line but no one speaks.

Pearl knows she should be afraid. It might be Mom, just trying to scare them...but it also might be Levi...just calling to let her know he’s alright, the only way he can.

There’s really no way to know.

\--

It’s time for Fran to have some therapy with Dr. H, and she’s not even in the same state. That’s kinda weird. Fran is kinda hoping therapy will get cancelled because of being on vacation, but Dr. H. said it would work remotely.

Fran kinda wishes it wouldn’t.

There’s so much going on. Mari and Levi disappearing but not really. Getting to go to summer camp with Giselle. Dealing with Lena’s feelings about baby Talon, and her saying not to ever talk about his maybe having CP with Talya because it was rude.

How would she ever pick what to talk about when she doesn’t really want to talk about any of it?

She sits in front of her tablet and waits for Dr. H. to log on.

She’s in hers and Mari’s room for privacy. Then, right at 6 PM, there’s Dr. H.

“Hello, Francesca. It’s nice to see you.” Dr. H. says.

“Hi,” Fran says.

“How’s your vacation with your friends?” Dr. H. asks.

“Are you gonna report back to Moms?” Fran asks.

“Well, let’s review. What are the things I am required by law to tell your moms?” Dr. H. says.

“If I’m thinking of hurting myself or someone else,” Fran says in a bored voice.

“Very good,” Dr. H. says.

“So, I don’t really wanna talk, though,” Fran says.

Even though only Jesus is here, and even though he’s not the spying type, Fran still can’t feel one-hundred percent confident sharing unless she’s one-hundred percent alone. Even wearing earbuds like she is, so Jesus can only hear her, and not Dr. H.

“I can respect that. How do you feel about drawing?” Dr. H. asks.

“I’m kinda bad at it…” Fran offers.

“Well, I don’t judge artwork,” Dr. H. says. “Would that feel better than talking?”

Fran nods.

“Alright. I’ll wait here. You get what you need and draw whatever you feel like.”

Fran gets all the scented markers and settles down to draw in front of the tablet (which feels a little weird.) She moves to the side of it eventually, because she doesn’t like the feeling that Dr. H. is watching her.

She sections off the paper on the bottom. Colors green grass on either side of the bottom. In the middle goes a blue river, with lots of bright fish, swimming. In the distance (on top of the green grass) is brown mountains. Between the mountains is a bright yellow sun. The sky is light blue and purple and pink. There are puffy clouds.

“Done!” She shows Dr. H.

“Francesca, I can tell you worked hard on that. I love all the colors you used,” Dr. H. says.

Fran beams. She feels proud.

“Would you like to tell me about it?” Dr. H. invites.

So, Fran does. She tells her all about each piece of the drawing and where it goes and when she’s done, she’s thinking about adding birds flying when Dr. H. speaks again.

“What does it make you feel?” Dr. H. asks.

Francesca feels like she just stepped into a hole unexpectedly. This is the catch. They’re still talking about feelings after all. She scrunches up her forehead. “What do you mean? It’s just a picture.”

“It’s a picture you drew,” Dr. H. says. “How about this. How did it make you feel to draw it?”

Fran shrugs. “I don’t know.”

“Okay. It’s safe not to know. May I ask you another question?” Dr. H. asks.

“I guess so,” Fran nods.

“Why did you choose to draw this?” Dr. H. wonders.

“Because it’s my best,” Fran answers fast. 

“Ah. It’s something you feel confident drawing?” Dr. H. checks.

“It’s something people like,” Fran points out. “Even you like it.”

“That’s true. I do,” Dr. H. nods. “I noticed when I told you what I liked about it, you smiled. You sat taller. Would you say that’s true?”

Fran nods. “Because I was proud.”

“Because you were  _ proud _ . Francesca, that’s such good work identifying your feeling. So you drew something that you knew people have enjoyed in the past. Something that you could take pride in.”

“I guess,” Fran shrugs. “Is that bad? Like, am I cocky?”

“Do you feel cocky?” Dr. H. asks.

“I don’t know…” Fran admits.

“Do you know what cocky means?” Dr. H. asks in her non-judgey way.

“Like, full of myself.”

“Do you feel full of yourself?” Dr. H. asks.

“Not really...but what if people think I am?” Fran worries.

“It sounds like that worries you. But let me assure you that feeling pleasure at doing something well? Feeling satisfied? That’s healthy. And it’s very common. It’s also what it means to feel  _ proud _ of yourself...which is different from feeling conceited, arrogant or full of yourself.”

“Oh,” Fran nods.

“I also think it makes a lot of sense that you chose to draw something you felt confident in. Something that would likely guarantee you positive feedback. I think that’s a very smart coping mechanism.” Dr. H. praises.

“Okay…” Fran blushes.

“I just want to assure you...that it is safe to talk about any of your feelings with me...and to draw things you can connect to emotionally, rather than something that solely pleases someone else.”

“But that pleases  _ me _ ,” Fran points out.

“Because it keeps you safe?” Dr. H. asks.

Fran nods.

“That makes a lot of sense,” Dr. H. nods. “Thank you for talking to me, Francesca.

\--

The rest of Levi and Mari’s day had been lowkey. They’d watched TV with Mom, and she made sure they had enough to eat.

No one pressured him to talk more. Mari never made a big deal that he was.

Now, he takes a deep breath as they approach the door to the cabin.

“You don’t have to…” she says.

“I do,” he insists. “What if they eat you alive again?”

“I can deal,” she says.

“Hey...before things get…” he starts, still quiet. “Thank you.”

“Mm-hmm,” Mariana nods.

They kiss. It’s too brief. But Levi loves that they get to do this now. It’s going to be so tough without the privacy they’re used to.

Then, the door is open. “Hey, we’re so sorry,” Francesca says, giving Mariana a hug. “You can leave whenever you want, but please don’t. We love you.”

“I love you, too,” Mariana says, and Levi heads home, Panther’s leash safely in his hand.

\--

Levi unlocks the cabin door.

He flips on lights. 

Jesus is asleep on the couch already, Dudley snoring on the floor nearby.

Levi turns the lights off fast and ventures to the kitchen where he sees a note: 

_ Mac and cheese in the oven on low for you. Brownie too. I’m sorry for what I said abt your dad. It wasn’t cool. Love you bro. Jesus _

Curious, Levi opens the oven and rescues the bowl of fancy mac and cheese and the brownie, before he turns the oven, and the kitchen light off and heads downstairs.

He hits the light switch as Levi heads downstairs and he immediately sees the gift bag hanging on the door.

Jesus didn’t need to get him anything. Just like that, Levi’s hoping he didn’t accidentally nudge Jesus’s trauma-guilt or something.

He takes the bag carefully, and carries it into his room, closing the door behind him.

Gently, he moves the tissue paper and finds a gift box. His first thought is that this is a Bible, but Levi knows it isn’t. He takes it out, and sees immediately: It’s a journal. Leather-bound. Definitely for people who are a bigger deal than Levi is. 

Jesus has got to take this back. Levi doesn’t deserve it. 

But he’s already flipping through it. Already seeing Pearl’s handwriting and her message. That this is for their April feelings.

And it’s like he’s pulled by some outside force. Over to the old Dad’s Root Beer bottle where he stowed it years ago. It takes some doing, to shake out the tiny piece of paper, without ripping it.

Then, he tapes it beneath Pearl’s message. His own feelings as an eight year old. The ones he’d written down after it happened, and put in that bottle - because messages in bottles always got to where they were supposed to go. 

The note he’d written to Pearl:

_ dear pearl i am sad i am mad i am every thing i am no thing how come she did it i cant say any thing i cant tell dont tell dont tell dont tell. I cant tell or every one will dye and i will be alown may be with her, may be not. please if you no i am rating this come find me and we can tell dad together then i wont be as scared. Love Levi. _

Then, he walks back upstairs. Back through their cabin. Outside. Next door.

He knocks and the door is pulled open.

It’s Pearl.

He can’t look at her, but he hands her the journal.

“Oh,” she says, her voice falling. “I understand.”

It’s clear that she doesn’t.

He takes a deep breath, and meets her eyes. Tries to tell her everything he needs her to know through this one moment of connection.

Then, he turns around and heads back home.


	76. Tightrope

_ Dear Levi, _

_ You wrote that to me after what happened to you...After what my mom did, right? I am so sorry, Levi. So sorry I wasn’t there to help you. To get you away from her. To tell Dad together, like you needed. _

_ Thank you so much for trusting me. Seeing that, feels like I am seeing you then. As much as it breaks my heart, I also recognize it as the huge sign of trust it is. You are so brave to keep coming back again and again even as I fail spectacularly. _

_ Let me make sure to address everything you said in your note to me: _

_ You have every right to be mad. I am mad, too, at her for hurting you.  _

_ Your sadness is valid. It makes so much sense. What happened to you was a violation. Iit hurt and it was wrong. When wrong things hurt us, we have feelings about them and sometimes that feeling is sadness. You have the right to all of the sadness you feel. There is no time limit on it. _

_ I can so relate to your feeling everything and nothing. (And I’m very impressed at your ability to articulate your feelings, even at such a young age.) I felt that, too, and so I think it is very common. At least for us. It seems like a trauma response - somewhere between hyper-arousal and dissociation, maybe? I get that 8-year-old you probably does not want to analyze your feelings like this but maybe 18-year-old you would? _

_ I could give you some answer about why I think she is the way she is, but I don’t want you to feel like I am rationalizing her actions. What she did was one-hundred percent wrong.  _

_ But just in case it will help you: She likely has trauma. Like Dad. Like us. But we don’t hurt each other. Trauma is never an excuse to abuse others. I think she hurt people because she liked feeling powerful. Because she felt like the most important person in her own life and so she hurt others to feel better about herself. _

_ After what happened to me, I could not talk, either. No one really knows this. But I spoke very little. I really understand not wanting anyone to say anything. Not being able to tell anyone yourself. Let me assure you that your experience is yours and I will not share it with anyone else, unless you tell me you want me to, for some reason. _

_ Oh, Levi… Telling your Grandmother didn’t make her die. I hope someone’s told you that. I hope I have. Or Mariana has, or someone has, by now… Telling your truth won’t kill us. In fact, I think you’ve told me...that telling it will save us.  _

_ It makes sense, though, that little you felt this fear. And I am so sorry you were so afraid of being alone and of losing those you loved. I’m so sorry Dad died before we could tell him together. If you ever want to tell your mom together, we can, but it’s not something I’d ever initiate. I’d do it only to support you, and with your consent. You’re grown up now, and you aren’t alone. You have us. You have me. You have The Avoiders. We love you. _

_ You never ever ever have to be alone with her. I promise. _

_ I will always find you. _

_ We can still tell Dad whenever you are ready. _

_ Love,  _

_ Pearl. _

\--

On the next page, Pearl writes:

_ Dear Dad, _

_ Levi and I have something we want to tell you: _

_ When I was sixteen, someone hurt me. I couldn’t talk about it for a while. And when I did, no one believed me. Or they blamed me. I’ve been afraid you might also blame me if you had known. Would you have come back if you knew? _

Pearl leaves plenty of blank space under what she’s written, in case Levi wants to add anything.

Then she gathers up Cleo, and the journal, and goes across the yard to their cabin. She goes in the back door with her key. The lights are off down here, all except the one in Levi’s room.

She swallows.

Then she taps on the door.

There are a few moments’ delay and then Levi pulls it open.

\--

He takes in her tear-streaked face. The way she clutches the journal. She opens her arms.

Levi nods a little, and she gathers him to her.

“What are you doing?” he whispers.

“I got your note. I read it. You said,  _ If I know you’re writing this, come find you _ …” she gulps around a lump in her throat. “I’m finding you.”

Tears fill Levi’s eyes and they stand there, the journal caught between them, just crying and holding each other.

And even though he’s always been scared to open up to her - that the truth would kill her - it turns out she’s the one who keeps him standing. His knees go weak and she holds him up.

“I’m not going anywhere,” she promises. “And I am so sorry I yelled at you...and shut you down when you were trying to talk about what happened to you.”

Levi nods, hanging tight to her.

\--

Jesus wakes up, and jumps a little, seeing Mariana sitting at the end of the couch.

“What?” he asks. “Are you okay?”

Mariana sips her coffee. It looks like she’s been here a while, just waiting for him to wake up.

“Why did you think… I mean...you kept saying two hours? You expected us home in two hours, but like...where did you get that timeframe?”

Jesus blinks. “I don’t know. I mean, Pearl said it felt reasonable…”

“But I’m not asking Pearl,” Mariana points out. 

“It’s the time it takes to run an errand, maybe? Say it’s a bit more involved than grabbing something at a store. Say there’s traffic. You know? You could still make it home in two hours.”

“And you’d feel good about it,” Mariana answers.

“What’s that got to do with anything?”

“Um...only  _ everything _ . It’s about  _ your comfort _ , Jesus. So, you had to wait twelve hours for me. I waited four-and-a-half  _ years _ for you...and I never gave up.”

  
“And you worried every damn minute of it,” Jesus comments softly.

“Because you were a _ child _ , Jesus! We’re not children. Levi’s legal now.”

“I know,” Jesus nods. “But...wait like...what are you saying? You took off with Levi to get back at me? So I’d know how it felt? To not know where you were?”

“What?” Mariana looks startled. “No, Jesus. I never thought about you at all.”

“Thanks,” he says, hurt.

“That’s not what I mean...or how I mean it, I guess…” Mariana sighs.

Jesus closes his eyes. Takes a deep breath. Tries to slow down for both of them. “What did you mean?”

“Don’t you ever just need a minute?” she asks. “To breathe?”

He looks at her, confused. “I can breathe here.”

“Well, I can’t,” she says. “It’s suffocating. Having everybody in on whether or not I make friends? It’s too much pressure. It’s Moms-level pressure. I don’t need that. You’re free to just, like,  _ live _ , you know?”

Jesus bites his lip to keep from objecting. Mariana has the right to say what she has to say.

“So, you left...for the day...and did it help? Was there less pressure?” he asks, remembering the thing about her needing questions.

“It did.” Mariana nods.

“Can I ask about the new friends? Does that feel like pressure?” Jesus checks.

“No. I mean, they’re fine. More than fine. It was so good, Jesus. And I hate that it was kinda ruined by you guys all freaking out. Because..I did. I had a good day. You know? And it couldn’t just be that.”

“Because we made you feel like a massive baby by telling you we expected you back in a certain time...and yelled at you.” Jesus fills in.

“It sucks. It’s like...I can feel the difference. Me before and me now? It’s like being in the penthouse and then dropping to below the basement level in a second,” Mariana manages.

“I get we’re on an elevator…” Jesus admits. “But I’m kinda lost. What do you mean.”

“The elevator’s a metaphor,” Mariana explains. “For respect.”

“So, you went from getting a ton of respect...to less than none. Based on before-TBI and after?” Jesus tries to make sense of it.

“Pretty much. I was doing so much more dangerous stuff when I was like, 16 through 21 and no one gave a damn. Now? I’m gone twelve hours?  _ With _ someone?  _ And _ I tell you that? And it’s like...you treat me like an actual child… And that hurts. I thought at least I could count on you guys...to not.”

“I’m sorry,” Jesus apologizes. “I wasn’t thinking about how what I was saying was making you feel. And I never want you to feel disrespected.”

“Thanks,” Mariana nods. “And I wasn’t...trying to get back at you. I shouldn’t have said that. I just meant...it felt unfair.”

“Makes sense,” Jesus nods. “Can I ask about something you said earlier?” 

Mariana nods.

“You were saying you felt suffocated...while I was free to live,” Jesus remembers.

“Right,” Mariana nods.

“It’s just...I guess it kinda felt like...my freedom being tossed in my face? Like I’m not being grateful enough for it? After being gone for all that time? Making all of you worry for years?” Jesus admits.

“Whoa,” Mariana comments. 

“That’s trauma for you,” Jesus shrugs, sheepish. “I know that's not how you meant it."

"No," Mariana confirms.

"But... It's that...and I guess...I don’t always _feel_ free? I don’t feel like I did in _LA_...but I don’t feel like I live without like, scrutiny, or whatever…”

“The public eye’s a bitch,” Mariana comments. “But it’s different than having your friends and family breathing down your neck for stepping out the door.”

“That’s true. We don’t always have to have the same take on experiences, I guess, or find a common side to things…” Jesus muses. 

“Do you wanna do support group stuff tonight? Since it’s Friday?” Mariana asks.

“Do you?” Jesus checks.

Mariana shrugs. “I feel like...maybe...but what about Fran?”

“Maybe we suggest she can video chat with Bella or one of her other friends tonight at the same time? So she doesn’t feel left out? We’re not gonna be talking about her. Or whatever involves her.”

“True,” Mariana nods.

“Are we cool?” Jesus asks.

“I mean... _ I am _ ,” Mariana jokes. “I don’t know about you…”

“Well, we’re twins. So, if you are, I am, too,” Jesus reasons, grinning.

“Fine,” Mariana smiles. 

\--

“So...is everything okay?” Dominique asks. “I feel like we haven’t talked in a bit…” 

“No offense...but you were a little bit of a bad example to me…” Fran points out as they’re doing the breakfast dishes.

“Oh no. What did I do?” Dominique asks, not even mad.

“You said the thing about Mariana texting Callie, not us. Then I said it, and Mariana was mad at me. But I learned it from you,” Fran points out.

“Right and I said that wasn’t nice, didn’t I?” Dominique asks.

“I don’t remember,” Fran admits. “I just remember I copied you and got in trouble.”

“Well...it wasn’t nice,” Dominique tells her, stopping what she’s doing to address Fran. “I shouldn’t have spoken without thinking. You’re right. Thanks for telling me. Because I always wanna be a good example to you.”

“You are,” Fran reassures. Like 99% of the time.”

Dominique smiles. “That’s a pretty good average.”

“A+, at my school,” Fran says.

When they finish, Dominique goes out to sit on the couch and Fran joins her. “You’re not gonna start singing again, are you?” she asks, nervous.

“No, I’m okay,” Dominique reassures. “I wanted to talk to you, though. I was taking out the trash, and I found this.”

Dominique smooths out Francesca’s sun over the river picture, which she’d wrinkled up and thrown away after therapy with Dr. H. 

Fran sits back.

“This is a really great drawing. Why would you throw it away?” Dominique asks.

“Maybe I don’t like it,” Fran grumbles.

“No?” Dominique asks.

“No. Maybe other people don’t like it, either,” Fran says quietly.

“What other people?” Dominique wonders.

“Dr. H. She said I could draw other things I could connect to emotionally, not just stuff to please someone else…”

“So, that made you feel like she didn’t like it?” Dominique checks.

“Basically…” Fran sighs.

“You know...a lot of my costumes do have connections to my feelings. Some even  _ are _ my feelings,” she says, thinking of Sadness. “But some I make for other reasons.”

“What other reasons?” Fran wonders.

“Well, sometimes, like you said, I’ll make something - or wear a costume - that I know someone else likes, just because they like it. And that makes me feel safe.” (Jesus had said he liked her Tiana dress. She’d gone from wearing it often, to hardly wearing it at all.)

“That’s how the drawing feels for me!” Fran exclaims. “Like because other people like it, it makes me safe. And Dr. H. said that was fine, but then…she said ‘ _ Here’s a different way you can do it _ ,’ and that’s basically like saying I failed.”

“I really get that feeling, especially when trauma’s involved. But art exists as a form of expression. And it’s up to the artist what you want to express. Some artists have to cater to people - create what they know people like - in order to make a living. That’s not bad. It’s them surviving. It’s okay if your art is how you survive.”

“Is it how you survive?” Fran asks honestly.

“It protects me,” Dominique offers. “It gives me something else to think about when I need it...so, yeah, I guess you could say that.”

“Could we maybe hang this up on the fridge, even though it’s all wrinkled?” Fran asks.

“I think so,” Dominique smiles and she walks with Fran out to the kitchen where Fran picks a magnet and a spot. Then a magnet for each corner.

“I think the wrinkles give it character,” Dominique comments, stepping back to observe it.

“What’s that mean?” Fran wonders.

“I mean, they add to its history. What makes it everything it is. I like that they make it a little less perfect. I think that’s brave.”

Fran sounds surprised when she says, “You still think I’m brave?”

“I never stopped thinking you were brave,” Dominique reassures her.


	77. Trusting

It takes Levi a while to decide if he wants to write back to Pearl, and even then, how much to say. Just because he  _ can _ talk now doesn’t mean he’s necessarily ready for her to know everything or hear everything. It’s why he leaned hard on words he’d already written - words he’d always intended for her to have - instead of writing anything new. Instead of saying anything at all about how he feels now.

_ Friday, April 8, 2022 - _

_ Dear Pearl. _

_ That was a letter I wrote to you after it happened, yes. Thank you for taking it seriously, even though I wrote it when I was just a kid. It means a lot to me that you addressed every single point. I’m not sure I’m ready to tell Dad what happened to me. I don’t want to hurt him - even his spirit - especially knowing that he really couldn’t help being gone so long. You said thank you for trusting you and I do, but trust takes a long time to build / heal. I’m not trying to be difficult, I just want you to know - things are still very hard for me. It’s still very April and I am not okay. But I do appreciate you doing this. Dad kept journals, through his whole life. Maybe it helped him. Maybe it can help us, too. _

_ Levi _

\--

Levi’s more than a little surprised when he comes upstairs and finds Jesus and Mariana on the living room couch. They look like they’ve been deep in conversation.

Embarrassment comes, fast and hot. In a second he’s back to a year ago, when he didn’t know any of them - walking in on a conversation between Jesus and Pearl. And feeling sure they were discussing him.

His freeze response very nearly has him by the throat again, constricting all his words.

“Hey,” Mariana greets, scooting over to make room for him.

Her smile, and the action, surprises him. He raises his eyebrows. A question.

“Really,” she says.

“Yeah, sit down,” Jesus invites. “You know, if you want.”

Mariana reaches behind her and offers the quilt Mom made out of Dad’s old shirts. Levi puts it around his shoulders, ducking his head. She leans against him.

“Dude, are you… Are you okay?” Jesus asks.

Levi shrugs.

Healing isn’t a straight line. It’s jagged. It’s smooth until it’s not. It’s curved around a wound that always exists.

Levi wishes he could say so much. He wants to tell Jesus how much it sucks, what he said about Dad. But his whole life feels like a giant Dad-shaped wound. And the blanket feels like a flimsy band aid that does nothing to help. It just hides him. Hides what’s really going on. 

And Levi’s letting it.

He’s letting himself be hidden.

“Do you two...I don’t know...wanna be alone?” Jesus asks.

Mariana glances at Levi and raises her eyebrows.

He glances at her and then away, feeling the old pull to please. To be as perfect as possible.

Levi stands and folds the blanket. He shakes his head and puts it back. Then he walks outside.

“Good morning!” a voice behind Levi calls.

\--

Fran sees the minute that Levi starts walking across the yard. He’s going toward the dock, which isn’t her favorite place, but she misses Levi.

He nods at her, and she wonders if he still can’t talk.

She offers her hand.

He holds it. She can feel his shaking.

She wants to say something about it, but she has no idea what. Besides what if Levi really doesn’t want to talk about it?   
  


“Dr. H. made me do a drawing yesterday,” Fran admits.

Levi raises his eyebrows.

They sit on the grass.

“Well...she didn’t  _ make _ me. But you know… Therapy,” she shrugs. She doesn’t actually know if Levi’s been to therapy. And she’s pretty sure that might be private. “I did the thing I’m best at...and I could just tell...she didn’t like it…”

Levi looks concerned.

“So, I threw it away. Dominique found it, and hung it up on the refrigerator. She said art can be for whatever reason we want it to be. Even if we draw it because we’re best at it, that’s fine.”

Levi nods.

“Do you ever feel like that?” Fran wonders.

Levi cocks his head a little.

“Like...show your best face...even though you don’t feel like it on the inside?” Fran asks.

Levi meets her eyes for a long time. And then, very slowly and obviously, he nods.

“Am I talking too much?” she asks.

He shakes his head.

“Do you wish you could talk?” Fran wonders.

He nods.

“You can whisper to me. I won’t tell anyone,” Fran urges. “Anything you want.”

Levi leans in, but all Fran can hear is his breathing. No words.

“That’s okay. You tried your hardest,” she says, meaning it. “Hey guess what?” she asks. “I found all these ice breaker questions in case we wanted to play a game together - all of us Avoiders. I want you to be able to play, and Mari, too, if she wants. Did you want to pick which one to be asked?”

Levi raises his eyebrows and Fran shows him her phone screen.

Then he hands it back and types on his own phone, showing her the screen. 

_ My childhood dream was to be a Rescue Hero. My dad was a paramedic who helped people and I wanted to do that. That or be a dog. [smiling emoji] _

Francesca laughs. “A dog. That’s funny. What kind of dog?”

Levi pulls up a picture on his phone of himself at two or three years old, riding Panther like a horse while the dog lay on the floor, just hanging out.

“Whoa. You had Panther for this long?” Fran exclaims.

Levi laughs but it doesn’t make any sound. Types  _ V-a-d-e-r. _

“Ohhh, it’s a different dog?” Fran asks.

Levi nods. 

“What’s a Rescue Hero? Don’t worry, I’ll Google it,” she says, and she does. “They look like cool toys. Which one did you wanna be?”

She waits ‘til he taps on one. “Billy Blazes?”

He nods and points to Fran. “What? I don’t wanna be a Rescue Hero…” she says. “No offense.”

Levi does his silent laugh and types on his phone. Then shows her.  _ What was / is your childhood dream? _

“I used to want to be a dancer…” Francesca confides. “I asked Moms if I could be one back when I was four, and they said no.”

Levi looks surprised. “Why?” he asks in a whisper.

Fran isn’t expecting his voice, even though it’s super soft. She jumps. “Sorry. My CP’s extra CPish this week…” she says, blushing. “...No reason.”

“It’s okay,” Levi whispers.

(This time, Fran doesn’t jump.)

“They never said why,” Fran sighs. “They never explain. They just say no. It’s probably because I have CP, and no one like me can be a dancer.”

“Let’s see…” Levi says, quiet, and searches YouTube. 

“No,” Fran says. “I don’t want to.”

“Okay. I thought…” Levi starts.

“It hurts too much. Seeing somebody maybe doing what I wasn’t even allowed to try…” she explains.

“Okay. I’m sorry,” Levi apologizes. His voice is still extra quiet.

“I also used to want to be a doctor,” Francesca wrinkles her nose. “I think because I was around a lot of them. And so that was, like, the only job I knew of. But now, I don’t wanna do either of those things.”

“What  _ do _ you want?” Levi asks softly.

Fran shrugs. “To be me. To be safe. To not be made fun of because of my walk. Or because I can’t do math…”

Levi just listens.

“That’s silly, isn’t it?” Fran says.

Levi shakes his head. “I wanted to be a cartoon fire captain… Your dream is much more realistic than mine.”

“But we both wanted to help people,” Fran realizes. “What’s your dream now?”

“Same as yours, I think,” Levi confides. “To be safe being me.”

“It’s a good dream?” Fran checks. “Because back when I was in fourth grade, our teacher asked if we could be anything, what would we want to be? I raised my hand and said I wanted to be me. Everybody laughed because she meant, like…” Fran trails off, ducking her head at the memory.

“Fantasy?” Levi fills in, gentle.

Fran nods. “And, like I wrote for Dominique’s birthday gift one year? CP’s not good with fantasy. It’s real.”

“It’s hard to dream like that when you’ve had a lot of trauma, I think,” Levi says, still super quiet. “But I don’t think it’s silly. I think it’s a really good dream.”

“Me, too,” Fran says, leaning into him.


	78. Rekindle

After talking to Jesus at the Wests and seeing Levi get panicky again, Mariana sets out to make sure he’s okay. She notices him and Fran sitting outside, in the midst of conversation.

She breathes a sigh of relief at knowing where both of them are, and tries not to feel guilty about her own actions. (It’s so obvious now, how all the other Avoiders might have felt, with she and Levi going to Nia’s...but she’s not regretting it.)

“Hey,” Dominique calls out softly from the porch.

“Hey,” Mariana responds. 

Dominique pats the space beside her.

Mariana sits. “What’s up?”   
  


“I think I may have just let Francesca down for the first time ever. She said I set a bad example?” Dominique trails off.

“Join the club,” Mari remarks.

Dominique blanches.

“I mean...sorry...that wasn’t nice. I guess I meant...you’ll fit right in. I’m a terrible example,” Mariana shares. “Just ask Moms.”

“I’d rather not, if it’s all the same to you. I actually know you. Unlike them,” Dominique says.

“So...what did you do?” Mariana asks.

“Oh. I… So...I was the one who first made the crappy comment about how it was nice that you could text Callie back and not us. She was copying  _ me _ when she said that.”

“Ew,” Mariana decides.

“I know. I’m sorry. It was a bad comment. And listen… I’ve always remembered...and appreciated...your thorough, specific apology back in the day...after the ice cream party thing? Where we miscommunicated?”

“Right,” Mariana nods, remembering.

“So, I wanna react in kind…” Dominique says. “Because friendship.” She takes a deep breath. “I am sorry for being a brat about who you chose to contact and why. I won’t give excuses. It was a shitty thing to do...and Fran was right...it was a crappy example to set. And I wasn’t right to do it.”

“Thanks,” Mariana smiles a little.

“Did you need to talk about it more?” Dominique asks.

“It’s just disappointing as hell…” Mariana breathes. “I wanna be able to live my damn life. And I get that I have...whatever...people. Responsibilities. But I’m an adult. We’re all adults, except for Fran. And I’m not the only one who has to be there for her.”

“No, you’re not. We share responsibility. And this is vacation. You did nothing wrong,” Dominique assures her.

“Oh, shit,” Mari says softly.

“What?” Dominique asks.

Mariana closes her eyes behind her sunglasses. “Moms. Here. Back when we first met Pearl? They had this whole...thing about them… Where they shrugged off their...job as parents...because it was vacation. They ignored triggers and whatever. And, oh my God...don’t even get me started on Ana… I’m freaking myself out. Did I just...channel all three of them?” she says borrowing a word from Pearl earlier.

“Hey. No,” Dominique reassures. “You said yourself. You didn’t ignore our triggers, right? That’s why you texted in the first place. Because you knew the history.”

Mariana blows out a breath. 

“And I don’t know a lot about your birth mom…” Dominique stops, eyeing Mariana. Taking in the pain on her face. “Did you need to talk about her?”

“She left us...even when she was there...it was...like she wasn’t there. You know? She was...all about...getting to go on vacations...with her family… She used to tell us...on visits..how, like, she got to go here or there.”

“How’d that feel?” Dominique asks, wincing.

“Braggy,” Mariana decides, wiping her eyes. 

“I meant to you,” Dominique says gently.

“I was mad…” Mariana admits. “I used to ask when we could go and she’d tell me soon, but like… It never… It took me years to realize, like… It was never gonna happen. And that she got to do whatever, because we weren’t with her.”

“Damn,” Dominique says. “I’m sorry. That truly sucks.”

Mariana nods.

They’re quiet a while.

“So...how are you?” Mariana asks. 

“Calmer now,” Dominique admits. “It was a little rough yesterday. I cried more than I have...recently. I usually save the tears for my hardest days.” 

Mariana’s mouth drops open.

“Oh… I don’t mean...like… That sounded like guilt and it’s not guilt. I swear. At least it was not intended to be guilt,” Dominique insists. “Just an update.”

“You don’t need to justify,” Mariana says. “I’m listening.”

“Okay… Well… Y’all matter to me...a whole hell of a lot...and it was brutal...not knowing where you were. I get that it was ableist. That we were gross and overprotective. Just…”

“It was hard,” Mariana nods. 

“How are you?” Dominique asks. “I realize I asked about old stuff...and not really current…?”

“I’m...a lot of things,” Mariana finally decides. “I can’t really process it all, I guess. I can’t really think about…” she trails off.

“About?” Dominique asks.

“Stef telling me he’s arrested,” Mariana mumbles. “If I think too hard about it, I get panicky…”

“You don’t have to think about it…” Dominique reassures. “Not that I’m trying to shut you down, either.”

“How did you…? I mean...I was just pretty sure you said...something about a trial for one of them?”

“I blocked all that out,” Dominique admits. “And let me just say...that people may push you to be involved in his...proceedings. Maybe they’ll talk about how it’s empowering and shit. But you do not have to. It’s your call and no one else’s.”

“It’s not like...there’s even any record of it. It’s just...Stef knows now and she…” Mariana trails off.

“I get it,” Dominique sighs, sympathetic. “You don’t have to do anything you’re not ready to do. Some people do find it empowering to be involved in court proceedings...but some of us don’t. And that’s okay.”

“Thank you,” Mariana sighs. “I just...my brain hurts thinking about all this. I just needed time. I needed a day to just...be. Not Mariana Adams Foster, the girl whose brother disappeared but just...me.”

“How was it? Just being you?” Dominique asks.

“Apparently, I have a thing for pictures?” Mariana shares. She’s thinking about finding Pearl and Levi’s baby pictures by their dad’s side of the bed. About the family pictures displayed on the wall at Jess’s house.

“Any kind?” Dominique wonders. 

“The kind that show you exist in a family? That you’re a part of something? You know...Brandon’s the only one of us with baby pictures?”

Dominique blinks shocked. “What the hell?”

“Not baby pictures… Newborn pictures, I guess? That get taken just after a baby’s born? In a cute outfit? Professionally, or whatever? He’s the only one with those. Not even Fran has them. The rest of us definitely don’t. The youngest I am...there’s like, one picture each of Jesus and I before we were five that Moms have. We were like a year old. Then, poof, we’re five…”

“I’m sorry,” Dominique apologizes. “I had no idea.”

“So, it’s like...just a mismatch of pictures? B has this newborn picture, then it’s Jesus and me at a year old. Callie at three or four holding baby Jude. And Francesca’s like, at least a year old before they start showing any pictures of her.”

“Like...displaying them?” Dominique asks.

“Right. Even though she was born into the family. And if you count...there’s definitely more Brandon pictures in early childhood...than any of the rest of us.”

“I get why you, Jesus, Callie and Jude might not have them, but...why not Fran?” Dominique wonders.

“She was...small…” Mariana manages. “Hooked up to a lot of stuff.”

“So...she wasn’t stable enough for newborn pictures...but they still don’t have any showing her ‘til she’s one?”

“I guess not…” Mariana shrugs. “I don’t know.”

“Makes sense that it matters to you, though. Seeing pictures of families together?” Dominique says.

“I used to have one...of us and Ana together. We were about four...but when Jesus found out I’d...found Ana...and was trying to give her money? He got mad and ripped it in half.”

“How old were you?” Dominique asks.

“Fourteen,” Mariana shares. “He’d been back a year, maybe less. And he...doesn’t remember a lot of the same stuff I do. I feel like I can’t really be mad at him… I tried to tape it back together. And I had it saved in my phone, but it’s not really the same.”

“Yeah, having a physical picture...that’s important,” Dominique nods.

“I miss you,” Mariana nods.

“I miss you,” Dominique confirms. “We should do this more.”

“I feel like you didn’t get to share much. Are you...okay?” Mariana checks.

“I am…” Dominique admits. “It’s hard being here in some ways. Because y’all do have such a deep history here, and it’s new for me. I just…sometimes, I want someone who knows my shit to be here for me the way y’all are for each other, you know?”

“Anytime you wanna share, I wanna listen, but I know it’s not like that. Not something you can just drop into casual conversation,” Mariana shakes her head.

“Right. I just...miss my mom, I guess. She’s the one who knows all this about me. She’s here for me and she knows everything already. I don’t have to tell her. But I...part of me feels bad talking about her because you, Jesus, Fran and Pearl? Don’t have safe moms.”

“But we’re glad you do,” Mariana says. “Seriously. I love Jaimie. I want you to talk about her as much as you want because she gives me hope for humanity. And you know she’s like my role model...for how to do the human stuff with Fran, right?”

“Really?” Dominique asks, touched.

“Really,” Mariana nods.

“I love that,” Dominique smiles. “And I love that Fran found conversation questions to get us all talking again, and the two of us didn’t even need them.”

“We’re good like that,” Mariana insists. “And seriously...talk about your mom. And your dad, if you want. We love them.”

“I love them, too. And thank you,” Dominique nods. “Not sure if I can ask, but...how was it? Whatever you did? If you met with friends, or just hung out with Levi?”

“It was...really good,” Mariana decides. “We had a really good day.”

“Then, I’m genuinely sorry we ruined it with our feelings,” Dominique apologizes.

“Stop,” Mariana insists. “We still had the day we had. It was still a good day.”

“I’m glad,” Dominique says, sighing in what might be relief.

“Me, too,” Mariana answers, leaning against her.


	79. Responsible

With Fran outside talking to Levi and Mari outside talking to Dominique, Jesus and Pearl decide to stay in, and take the opportunity to talk to each other.

But conversation doesn’t just start flowing like usual.

Finally, Jesus asks about it.

“Is...everything okay?”

“I still… I kind of can’t believe you said that...about Dad… What you said to Levi,” Pearl remarks

“I know, and I probably have to talk to Levi about it more, too. See if he has any feelings about it…” Jesus says, running a hand through his hair. It feels long again. Doesn’t take much for it to feel long. 

“But right now,  _ I’m _ talking to you about it…” Pearl points out.

“Okay.” Jesus answers.

“...And I’m not very happy,” Pearl says in a measured tone.

Right about now, Jesus is super aware of their age difference. Of how Pearl could be a stand-in for Ana, just age-wise. It makes him cringe. “I know. It’s all that time living with Him, Pearl… It’s like… He influenced me...how to take what someone loves the hell out of...and use it against them…”

“But He’s not here right now. You are,” Pearl maintains.

“I know. So I suck, I know…” Jesus moans. “I don’t know what the hell you want from me… I already feel like crap.”

“I want you to take responsibility for what you said,” Pearl tells him. 

“I have!” Jesus objects. “I said sorry to Levi. I wrote him a note. I said sorry to both of you.”

“And I’m saying...your words are still hurting me…” Pearl manages. “You know what she did to me. You know why Dad had to leave me that night. Why would you throw that back in Levi’s face? You know there was a valid reason Dad couldn’t come for Levi right away…”

“I know…” Jesus says. “I… It’s true. I know, and I said it anyway, because I knew it would hurt. Because when I’m freaked out, sometimes, I lash out. It’s not cool. It’s not how Avoider-fam should ever act. And I messed up.”

“Thank you,” Pearl nods, blinking back tears. “Truth be told, I don’t feel like I’m being a very good sibling either… Yelling at Levi when he came in the door like that. Driving around to look for them.”

“Accusing Mari of not thinking to text…and coming up with some arbitrary timeframe I decided they should have been back by…” Jesus adds.

“We need to do better than this,” Pearl says. “If anyone knows what it’s like to have grown up with the worst role model ever for adulting, it’s me. And it’s you. But we don’t have to follow the path they laid. It’s hard to make our own, but we can make our own.”

“It’s just...my trauma is like super active here...and I’m not sure why,” Jesus shares.

“Um...because you’re away from home?” Pearl suggests. “And historically, being away from home has meant unspeakable things for you. By the way, how are you with food? Are you getting enough to eat?”

“I think so?” he says. “I mean, my gut still always wants to say no, in case that means the possibility of more, but… I think I’m okay. I had breakfast.”

“We’ll make sure you have lunch and dinner, too. And food besides that, if you want,” Pearl reassures.

“Thanks. How are you? My calendar says we’re like, two days away from...you know…” Jesus ventures.

“Yeah...you know…” Pearl ventures. “I try not to think about it...but sometimes it’s...all...I can think about. And I don’t know how much you wanna hear right now...but I…”

“I can hear it,” Jesus nods.

“I’m safe, but I don’t think I’m okay,” Pearl admits.

“That’s okay,” Jesus tells her. “That makes sense. You shouldn’t be okay after what you went through.”

“It was so long ago, though, Jesus. Almost 23 years ago...God, my trauma...it's almost as old as you and Mariana.”

“We were babies then,” he offers. “Probably getting left in our crib by Ana for God-knows-how-long. I’m not over that. And nobody’s saying I should be… Well, except maybe Moms…”

“Same,” Pearl sighs, relieved. 

“And nobody’s saying you have to be over this,” Jesus offers.

Pearl’s quiet for a long time. Finally, she speaks again:

“I’m scared my mom’s gonna come by again. You know, what with Levi and I kind of preparing to leave the cabin to her again? To go, at a moment’s notice, once we get the call?”

“If she tries anything in the next week and a half, I’m your back up, and she knows not to mess with you guys while I’m here,” Jesus reassures.

“I know… It’s just… That’s another of the thousand reasons I need to figure out how to be an adult without relying on her example. I do not want to be the person skulking around spying on people in my life just to feel close to them.”

“Excuse me?” Jesus asks. “She did that?”

“Oh, she totally spied on me, yes. It’s no secret. I mean, I guess it is. A poorly kept one,” Pearl admits. “And, as long as we’re taking responsibility for things...I did the same when you and your family were here for the first time...after you told me things were bad over there, I kept watch - I mean - let’s not use euphemisms, Pearl… I spied. And it was creepy. And I’m sorry.”

Jesus blinks. “You did that?”

“I did,” Pearl admits. “I’m so sorry.”

“But you did it for a good reason...to protect me…” Jesus reasons.

“But…” Pearl ventures. “If it crosses boundaries...there is no good reason to do it. And if it’s truly protection I was wanting to extend to you, there was likely a safe way to make that happen.”

“You were just learning, though…” Jesus allows.

“Jesus. Stop letting me off the hook here. I made a mistake and I own that. You’re still safe. I’m still actively pursuing being a safe person. So it’s okay that I make mistakes...and own up to them…”

Jesus goes quiet for several seconds, glancing at his lap where Dudley rests his head. He glances up: “Okay, it  _ is _ kinda creepy…” he admits.

“Isn’t it?” Pearl wrinkles her nose. “I’m sorry. Again. And I promise, it hasn’t happened since that vacation. The first one. In the winter.”

“No spying last time? Or this time?” Jesus checks.

“Correct,” Pearl nods. “Sorry. I am so bossy when I’m unsure.”

“Cool, thanks,” Jesus says. “I hate fighting. Especially with Mariana. Especially with any of you. It feels like a massive risk and a waste of time together…”

“But is it?” Pearl asks.

Jesus cocks his head.

“We don’t usually share space like this. In person. We’re used to being very isolated in our own spaces. In our own pairs or smaller groups. All six of us together changes the dynamic,” Pearl points out.

“It does,” Jesus allows.

“So, isn’t it a good sign that Mariana and Levi feel comfortable and safe going off on their own? That they feel safe with each other? And they feel safe telling us when we are wildly out of line? So we can stop unintentionally hurting them?” Pearl asks.

“I mean...yeah...it sounds good when you put it like that,” Jesus admits.

“I need to be careful though,” Pearl acknowledges. “My mother used passion as an excuse for verbal and emotional abuse. The excuse that families are passionate. And I want to be clear that I am not saying that us disrespecting them was a good thing in any way, because it wasn’t.” 

“Right. I know,” Jesus nods.

“Alright. I was telling myself as much as I was telling you,” 

Just then, the patio door slides open and Levi and Fran come inside.

“It’s cold out,” Fran complains. “Doesn’t Minnesota ever warm up?”

Levi shakes his head with a small smile.

“Hey, Levi. Can we talk?” Jesus asks.

\--

Levi regards Jesus. He remembers the mac and cheese and the brownie from last night. The brownie had been dry from its time in the oven but with a little chocolate syrup, it was alright again. The macaroni wasn’t half bad. Considering he hasn’t felt hungry recently? That was kind of a miracle.

Still, every word that had loosened up and ventured out around Fran retreats as he studies Jesus. Even though he looks contrite. Even though Pearl does, too.

“What do you wanna say to him?” Fran asks.

“I wanted to know...if you wanted to talk about what I said to you anymore...about your dad?”

Levi whispers under his breath.

“What?” Jesus asks.

“He says he hated you,” Fran passes along. 

Levi nods. “When you said that… It made me hate you…” His voice is quiet. Still mostly a whisper, but finally, his throat isn’t so blocked up.

“That’s fair,” Jesus nods. “I’ve had the same feelings, believe it or not. I am sorry. I should never have said what I said. I did because I knew it would hurt you...and that’s not okay.”

“My dad is… He’s my...reason. The reason I do...anything good…” Levi manages. 

“Same,” Pearl says, and something inside Levi lifts. 

He glances at her. “Really?” he asks in a small voice.

“Really,” she says. “She doesn’t get credit for me. Anything good I am? It’s because of him.”

“Or it’s because of you,” Levi whispers. “Dad wasn’t there for a lot of your life… You...kinda raised yourself…”

“True,” Pearl nods. “But Dad still gets credit. And no one speaks ill of him,” she says, casting serious looks at Jesus and Fran.

“I won’t,” Fran promises. “I know how important bio dads are.”

“I won’t say it again. I promise,” Jesus says, keeping Levi’s eye contact. He opens his arms. 

Levi swallows. He’s been pretty sure Jesus would never hug him again, and yet...here he is…

Taking a deep breath, Levi walks into his arms. Jesus holds on.

Even after a year, his hug feels just the same: long and safe, and as close to a Dad hug as he can come these days.

He pulls away and turns to Pearl, wiping his eyes. Raises his eyebrows.

“We don’t have to hug if you don’t want to,” she reassures. “I’m happy to, because I love you, and I love hugging you. But you don’t owe me a hug, because you hugged Jesus.”

“Oh. Okay. Maybe I’ll wait then…” he admits.

“It’s okay to change your mind...but if you feel like giving somebody a hug...I’m here...no reason…” Fran says. She’s going for casual, but Levi can pick up on her loneliness.

His face breaks into a smile as he leans down and scoops Fran up into his arms, so she can hug him and be secure. She’s got him tight around the neck. Her chin digging into his shoulder.

“Love you, Fran,” he whispers.

“Love you, Levi. Thanks for saving me from going on the dock,” she says.

That was last year, but he squeezes, knowing that acts of safety by safe people don’t have expiration dates.

“Always. I’ll always save you,” he promises.


	80. Reuniting

After lunch, all of them linger at the table. Once cleanup has happened, it seems they’re not eager to just separate again.

“So…” Dominique says.

“So…” Jesus echoes. “I think… I might’ve broken our trust and I’m really sorry...and I just wanna say that so everybody can hear it. And knows I mean it.”

“I’m sorry, too,” Pearl says. “I shouldn’t have come on so strongly when you came back…”

“Or treated you like babies,” Fran adds, to Mari and Levi. “Because you’re grownups and you can go live your lives if you want to.”

“So...how do we wanna move forward?” Dominique asks. “Mari?”

“I want...maybe another accommodation station? And also...I need to talk to the adult Avoiders at some point about grownup things. And I know how you feel about being left out…” she says to Fran. “I don’t wanna hurt your feelings. I thought maybe...would you wanna talk to your friends during that time?”

“When?” Fran asks.

“Later tonight?” Mari suggests.

“Yeah, I’ll ask. I really wanna talk to Bella,” Fran says. She pauses. “Thanks for saying you’re not leaving me out on purpose.”

“It’s true. I’m not,” Mariana insists.

“Just some things are for kids and some things are for adults,” Fran says.

“Right,” Mariana says. “Levi, what about you?”

“What  _ about _ me?” he wonders, still so quiet that they have to lean in to hear him.

“Do you need anything? Like, moving forward?” Mariana asks.

He shrugs. “I get quiet sometimes. Just...don’t make a big deal about it, I guess?”

“Take your communication?” Mari asks.

Levi nods.

“Nonverbal and verbal,” Mari adds.

“Right,” Levi confirms. “What accommodations do you need?” he asks Mari.

“Oh. Just to meet with you guys tonight. And, Fran, I wanna spend time with you, too. Maybe we could hang out?”

Francesca smiles. “Okay. And I need...I don’t know what I need…” Fran says. “Sorry. Were you done?”

“For now...but I might need to interrupt later, if that’s cool,” Mariana says. “Dom? What do you need from us?”

“I need from you guys…” Dominique ventures, sighing. “Somebody who gets me. On a deep level. So, I guess...keep getting to know me one on one? That’d be helpful? Because I honestly am kinda constantly feeling on the outside of y’alls deep dynamics here, and it sucks.”

“ _ I  _ know you deeply,” Fran tells Dom. “ _ And _ I love you deeply.”

“Do you wanna keep getting to know me, though?” Dominique asks.

“Yes,” Mariana says. “I definitely do. I feel like there are….millions of depths to plumb in you.”

“Oh wow. Thank you,” Dominique says.

“I wanna get to know you,” Levi offers. “What do you wanna share?”

“Well…” Dominique says. “I guess…”

“If you need help, I still have all my conversation game topics,” Fran shows Dominique her phone.

“Oh, good idea. So, my favorite age I’ve ever been...is… This is so weird, because my favorite birthday was definitely my eleventh? With my parents and my two best friends in that escape room?”

“The one with the zombies?” Fran remembers.

“Yeah. I loved working together with my dad and figuring it out,” Dominique says.

“Did you do puzzles and stuff often?” Pearl wonders. “When you were growing up?”

“Not really puzzles,” Dominique shares. “But like,my dad would process stuff out loud and take my suggestions. He never made me feel like my ideas were small or silly.”

“That’s cool,” Jesus says. “It’s cool that you spent time together like that.”

“And that he respected you… Well, respects you, I guess,” Mari corrects.

“Do another, if you want,” Pearl encourages.

“Okay, um… My number one priority today is… That’s you guys. I wanna be sure everybody’s safe and okay.”

“That’s sweet,” Pearl says.

“But what about you?” Jesus asks. “Are you sacrificing your own safety for ours? Or is it a combo deal? You’re looking out for us, and for you?”

“I’m...always looking out for me...I guess I just don’t always feel comfortable saying I am, because of how it’s viewed?” Dominique shares.

“Like you’re being selfish?” Fran asks.

“That’s kind of how people take it, yeah, but… I don’t know...that’s a good point, Jesus. Like...we shouldn’t hide that we prioritize ourselves, should we?”

“No,” Fran shakes her head. And then adds, “I have no idea what we’re talking about.”

“Hard to listen, buddy?” Jesus asks.

“No, just...what does prioritize ourselves mean?” Fran wonders.

“Do you know what a priority is?” Dominique asks.

“Like do this first?” Fran asks.

“Right. So, to prioritize something or someone? That means to take care of that first.” Dominique explains.

“So...taking care of yourself first isn’t bad? It doesn’t make you selfish?” she asks.

“There you go,” Dominique says. “Did you get to say what you needed?”

“I still don’t know,” Fran admits.

“Do you need anything to be different?” Dominique asks.

“I’d prefer it if we all stopped fighting and got along…but we don’t control other people,” Fran says quietly.

“Right, but watching adults fight as a kid is different than as another adult…” Mariana interjects. “It can be scarier.”

“Yeah,” Fran admits. “I just want us to all be friends again and not fight.”

“We are friends, buddy,” Jesus says. “And that’s a big part of why we make sure and do this - especially after hard times - because it’s important we touch base with each other again and figure out what each of us needs again. To really see each other. And to remind ourselves to respect each other.”

“What do you need?” Pearl asks Jesus.

“Honestly?” Jesus asks. “Keep me accountable? Please? Anybody who feels comfortable? I don’t wanna be a trash human being.”

“You’re not,” Mariana objects.

“Don’t say that, Jesus!” Fran admonishes. “That’s not a nice way to talk about yourself.

“I said I  _ don’t wanna _ be that...and that’s healthy, I think,” Jesus objects softly. “It’s tough for me to take correction, but like, I wanna know if I’m hurting you. So please...tell me.”

“Okay,” Pearl says.

“What about you, Pearl?” Dominique wonders. “You’re pretty quiet over there.”

“Well...I’m worrying...about the future...and my mother...and potentially crossing paths with her. I feel like I’ll definitely need backup...but I don’t know if that will necessarily be in the next week and a half or farther in the future…” Pearl ventures.

“Well, we have Marco Polo. And video chat,” Fran reasons. “We can still be there for you.”

“And I will be,” Levi comments, quiet. “Mom, too, if you want. I bet,”

“I just don’t wanna put too much on either one of you. You didn’t ask for this. You didn’t ask for her to be in your lives again, even peripherally...and I just...really feel the need to protect you. Not because I think you’re a baby, but because it’s what safe people do for each other.”

“I understand,” Levi says.

Pearl sighs, blinking back tears. “Sorry, my day is coming closer, and I am...not ready for it.”

“The day of your trauma?” Fran asks.

“Right,” Pearl lets out a breath. “I’m still not sure how I’ll be or what I’ll need. I just...hate feeling like this. I’d like to fast-forward through the next few days...except that you guys are here. And I don’t want to lose out on time with you.”

“No one’s saying you have to,” Jesus interjects. “You can be with us…”

“And be however you are,” Mariana adds.

“God...how are you all so wonderful? I’m so unused to this. So used to just stuffing it in and getting on with things. And just...not feeling it?” Pearl manages.

“But that…” Levi starts and stops abruptly. “Sorry.”

“No, what were you saying?” Pearl asks.

“Just that...it doesn’t really help...doing that…” he ventures tentatively. “It’s better to just...talk about it. If you want.”

“I think you’re right. And it’s true for you, too. I promise...I’ll try to listen better and not shut you down if you need to talk...about anything.”

“I’m really excited about camp,” Fran says. “Sorry to just blurt that out but I am, and I felt like, weird about being excited when all the other stuff was going on.”

“You can be excited,” Dominique tells her. “Camp is exciting. What are you most excited for?”

“Um...meeting more kids like me,” Fran decides. “Because right now I only know two. Giselle and Nico. And I don’t actually know Nico that well.”

“Right, so it’ll be good for you to get to know more kids,” Dominique nods.

“Because I’ll feel less alone,” Fran says.

“I felt less alone…” Mariana offers. “I met Jess and Elise. The other day. They were really cool.”

“You did?” Fran asks, excited. “Did you feel like, ‘ _ Finally _ ?’” she asks.

“I did,” Mariana nods. “I felt exactly like that.”

“Yay,” Fran says.


	81. Affirmations

“You know what I miss?” Fran asks after dinner.

“What’s that?” Pearl wonders.

“That one time we all shared positive words with each other last year. I still have the old ones in my Franny pack,” she smiles, knowing the term always makes Pearl laugh.

It works. 

“You know, I do remember that.” Pearl says. “And I think it’s a good idea to share positive words with each other.”

“So, can we do it?” Fran asks.

“Let’s clean up first,” Mariana suggests.

\--

Levi offers to give everyone a hand with dishes and cleanup, but when Dominique motions him outside, he can’t help it. He follows her. All the way out to the dock.

He breathes a sigh of relief.

He’s missed this.

“I just… I really regretted not doing this with you...you know, earlier?” she admits. “When we thought… Well, you know what we thought…”

He nods. Wants to apologize. Like, it’s in every cell of his body. But the words stay caught behind his teeth, both because of anxiety, and loyalty to Mariana. And because he does agree with her. They haven’t done anything to apologize for.

“We can still…” he says, nodding at the sun, going lower in the sky.

“Yeah, we can,” she sighs. “I just hated the idea that I might’ve missed out on this...like...forever…” Dominique manages.

Levi turns to look at her. “Do you really think I’d go without saying goodbye to you?”

“I mean, not intentionally…” Dominique admits. “But maybe if you couldn’t...or if something happened to you…”

“Right, but… You’ve gotta give us the benefit of the doubt,” Levi appeals to her. “This is… I hate that we nudged your trauma. I do. But we need space, you know? We need to be able to go and not...deal with hovering…”

“What?” Dominique asks, smiling. “You did not just accuse me of hovering… That’s a thing my dad does.”

“It’s also a thing you do…” Levi teases gently.

“Seriously. I get it. Y’all are together. That’s new and it’s...hard maybe to...figure that out around all of us.” Dominique ventures.

“It wasn’t like that,” Levi sighs. “I was triggered. I needed space in order to feel safe again… So, it...kinda sucked to come back and be made to feel like crap about it…”

“I’m sorry,” Dominique said. “We didn’t know. But it’s like I always want, right? We should’ve given you the benefit of the doubt. Trusted that you both know yourselves and what you need.”

“That would’ve been nice, yeah,” Levi nods.

“I’m glad you’re okay,” Dominique says. “Wait.  _ Are _ you? Okay?”

“I mean...it’s April...so not really?” Levi allows.

“Can I…? I mean, I gotta watch myself here so things don’t get blurry...but like...is there anything…?” Dominique asks, shrugging and gesturing, palms up.

“This is helping,” Levi tells her. “Knowing you still wanna come out here, and do Dock Talks.”

“I always wanna do Dock Talks,” Dominique says. “It’s just so damn cold in the mornings…”

“I know, right? I mean, Colorado’s not super warm, either, but I’m pretty sure I was meant for, like, Alabama heat. Not this.”

“Well...will California heat do?” Dominique asks, with a small smile. “Because I think we can help you with that.”

“I mean...I wouldn’t turn it down,” Levi admits.

They watch the sun dip over the horizon in silence. The sky is amazing. Pinks and oranges.

Levi takes a hesitant breath. “I’m just...getting more nervous about all of us living in the same place. We can’t really get along as it is when we’re sharing space. I don’t want to move and, like, then we hate each other.”

“We’re all gonna pretty much have our own space, though. I imagine you and Pearl will share a place, like now. Maybe eventually Mari and I will, or Mari and Jesus. But just...geographically...we’ll be closer, if one of us needs actual backup.”

“I guess it’s not quite the same as living on top of each other these two weeks... “ Levi admits.

“No,” Dominique shakes her head.

“God, this is the most I’ve been able to say in...days?” Levi admits quietly.

“You’re doing fine,” Dominique encourages. “And if you can’t again, for whatever reason? That’s fine, too.”

Levi lets out a breath. “Thank you,” he says. “That… That really helps.”

\--

“How do you wanna do this, buddy?” Jesus asks Fran, once they’re finally back at the cleared table.

“I think...we just write notes to each other, and exchange them? That way everybody can do it if they want to,” she says, with a meaningful look at Mari and Levi.

“That works,” Jesus says.

“I think that’s a good idea,” Dominique nods.

They sit down and get to work.

\--

_ Levi, I love that you always save me and don’t ignore me. - Fran _

_ \-- _

_ Levi, your heart is the most tender. It’s so hard to stay open when life is so brutal, but I admire this so much in you. Love, Pearl. _

_ \-- _

_ Levi, you are a true brother. Thank you for always coming back even when we don’t get along. Thank you for helping me help my sisters. Thank you for talking things out with me. Jesus _

_ \-- _

_ Levi, My Dock-Talker, Our friendship is one of a few I feel I can truly let my guard down in, and be myself, and not be judged. I know what I say on the dock - so to speak - stays on the dock. I trust you. Dominique _

_ \-- _

_ Dear Levi, You’ve written me so many notes and I haven’t reciprocated. But I want you to know I see you. Thank you for letting me see you. And for being super vulnerable. It’s hard.  _

_ You were there for me in the darkest time ever. I’ve never been able to tell you how much it meant that you were there for me last fall with the hellsite. But...I can’t imagine what it would have done to me to read it alone. _

_ Instead, I read it with you...and I found a friend...a confidant...a person. _

_ April sucks. And It’s also when we met.  _

_ Things suck right now...and I love you.  _

_ Not either / or. _

_ Both / and.  _

_ Mari _

_ \-- _

_ Mari, I love that you do makeup with me and protect me. - Fran _

_ \-- _

_ Mariana, You are so unapologetic about what you deserve, and it pushes me to be more like you. Love, Pearl _

_ \-- _

_ Mari, From day one you have been at my side. You have spent more of life with me then anyone else. Thank you for not being afraid to tell me when I hurt you. I don’t ever want to hurt you. I promise I will be better. Jesus _

_ \-- _

_ Mariana, You have come through for me in countless ways . I love you and respect you so much and I hope you feel that, and know it. You and your friendship are so important to me. I am sorry for not giving you the benefit of the doubt before. I do respect you and I want that to always be clear. Love, Dominique _

_ \-- _

_ Mari, _

_ You are the one I want at my side when I’m at my worst. People often choose friends, best friends, partners, based on who sees them at their best. But I think it’s important you’ve seen me fall. You’ve seen me weak. And you love me, still. _

_ You have the most amazing soul. The most caring heart. The most honest manner. The calmest countenance. You have been at my side through the biggest year of my life so far.  _

_ I can always trust you to tell me the truth. To be there when I need somebody. To prioritize me. You are so freaking good in a crisis. You are the only one who can calm me down from a panic attack in a way that doesn’t leave me hating life afterward. In a way that leaves me feeling safe. And seen. And believed. _

_ I could go on, but I don’t want to overwhelm your brain with my words. _

_ (And I love that we don’t need any…) _

_ Levi _

_ \-- _

_ Jesus, I love that you call me buddy and teach me about life. - Fran _

_ \-- _

_ Jesus, You were the first person to ever look to me as a role model. This changed how I moved through my life. Knowing there was someone out there looking up to me made me carry myself differently and it set me on the path to being a safe person. Love, Pearl _

_ \-- _

_ Jesus, Our friendship is complicated because I had unfair expectations to begin with - having relied on you to survive before you even knew who I was...but I want you to know that you - Jesus - matter to me. And I want your actual friendship...not just the one I made in my head. Dom _

_ \-- _

_ Jesus, I hate it when we fight. Let’s never do it again.  _

_ I know you deep down in your goddamn soul. I know how much you love and have protected me always. I don’t know who you’ll grow to be, but I have confidence in you. _

_ We will make mistakes, but we’ll be better for it. _

_ I miss you.  _

_ Mari. _

_ \-- _

_ Jesus, _

_ Your hugs are the best ever. They remind me of my dad’s. Thanks for never withholding them, even when we aren’t getting along. Brothers fight. And then they apologize and keep right on living. _

_ So, lets live, _

_ Levi _

_ \-- _

_ Dominique, I love that you always have time for me and read Harry Potter with me. - Fran _

_ \-- _

_ Dominique, You’re someone I can count on to physically be there for me in a crisis and that’s huge. Thank you for being here. Love, Pearl. _

_ \-- _

_ Dominique, I know I have not always been the best of friends to you. I’m sorry I put my needs over yours sometimes. You are a great friend and I’m so glad you’re here. I believe you when you say you can’t check in with me and I don’t hold it against you.. Jesus. _

_ \-- _

_ Dominique, You are a true sister. I love you. Mariana. _

_ \-- _

_ Dominique, _

_ You are such a treasure, and I hope you know that. Not in an object way, but in a way a person is deeply cared about and appreciated. I want you to know there’s no one else I’d rather spend deep time with than you. I love that we can talk about deep stuff or light stuff and it doesn’t matter. It’s still obvious we wanna be where we are. Spending time. Just being together. _

_ Levi _

_ \-- _

_ Pearl, I love that you are there to talk about dad stuff with and that you know so much from being ancient. - Fran _

_ \-- _

_ Pearl, you are the person I look up to most. Your example makes me want to do the human thing better. Thank you for making me face my flaws in a loving way. Jesus _

_ \-- _

_ Pearl, Thank you for taking me seriously. Thank you for not being scared off by the inner children. Thank you for choosing me - for wanting me with you - and for seeing my strengths and wanting me to utilize them. Love, Dominique _

_ \-- _

_ Dear Pearl, _

_ I don’t think I can put into words how much it meant that you were there for me that night. That you never judged me. That you never told anyone - even the other Avoiders - how bad it was for me. Thanks for being there.  _

_ Please keep working on trusting me like that, _

_ Mariana _

_ \-- _

_ Dear Pearl, _

_ Things have not been easy for us lately (or ever) but you are my sister and I love you. Always. I loved you before you loved me. Before you knew me. And I’ll keep loving you no matter what.  _

_ Just wanted you to know, _

_ Levi _

_ \-- _

_ Francesca, You are a light. And I see how you are growing. I am proud of you, even when you make mistakes. I love you always. Love, Pearl _

_ \-- _

_ Francesca, Thank you for trusting me with the stuff that matters to you. I want you to know you have my trust and I will not break that. I know how important that is. You are a great sister and I’m glad you were there to remind us to always respect Mari’s communication.. Jesus _

_ \-- _

_ Francesca, You mean so much to me. I think you know that, but I also think we can’t ever say these kinds of things enough so - you do. You matter SO much to me. Thank you for reminding me how to be playful. Thanks for always telling me the truth and letting me help when I can. I love you so much. Love, Dominique _

_ \-- _

_ Fran, _

_ You’re my dream come true, you know that? _

_ I always wanted a baby sis and I got the best one ever. _

_ I got you. _

_ That’s forever. Because I’ll always have your back. _

_ Keep making your own path, making friends and doing your thing. _

_ You’re amazing, _

_ Love you, _

_ Mari _

_ \-- _

_ Francesca, _

_ Thank you for being the first Avoider to ask about my dad. That has always meant a lot to me. Thank you for including me during your makeup time with Mariana. I know Sister Time is important and it means a lot that you let me be in on it and didn’t make fun of me for liking it or wearing it. _

_ You’re a pretty cool kid and I’m so glad you’re an Avoider. _

_ Love, _

_ Levi _


	82. Absorbing

“Wow...this is...kind of overwhelming…” Pearl admits. “I don’t remember last time being quite this overwhelming.” She wipes tears away. “Thank you. All of you.”

“Are you okay?” Fran wonders. “Did my idea suck? To do this?”

“No,” Pearl laughs through her tears. “No, it didn’t suck. It’s just...I love giving praise, but I’m not used to hearing positive things about myself. I’m used to pretty much exclusive criticism. So this is good. It’s new, and it’s good. I’m so glad I can be here for you. I love that I’m an example to all of you, even with my penchant for making mistakes.”

“Role models aren’t exclusively good,” Dominique points out. “No one can be flawless all the time.”

“Ninety-nine percent,” Francesca speaks up, with a quiet smile at Dominique.

“Seriously, though, Fran? I am not perfect, and I think it’s...a little bit dangerous to think that. About anyone,” Dominique says. 

Fran looks concerned. 

“I’m not mad at you. At all. I’m just saying...no one’s perfect. Not even role models. And I think it is important that we, as role models...maybe we model how to fail?”

“I already know how to do that,” Fran says flatly. “I fail all the time. Especially math.”

“But do you know how to get back up after?” Mariana asks. “How to go forward? How to not hate yourself?”

Fran shrugs. “Do you guys?” she asks in a quiet voice.

“I’m still working on it,” Mari admits. “But I think it’s important to show you. To be that example, too. Otherwise, kids like you are just… You’re in the place like I was? Where you’re like… Just thinking adults are perfect, and you have to be perfect. That’s too hard on a kid.”

“I don’t have to be perfect?” Fran asks.

“No,” Jesus says. “Mistakes are a part of life, buddy. They’re how you learn. And we are all always learning.”

\--

“I kinda feel bad I didn’t write as much for you guys as you wrote for me,” Fran admits.

“But it’s not about quantity,” Pearl objects softly. “Your note to me was very specific about what you love. That means a lot to me.”

“Really?” Fran asks. “So you don’t feel bad that I cheated you or something?”

“You didn’t cheat us,” Levi insists. “You were honest. How did you feel getting your positive words again? Did they help?”

“Yeah,” Fran smiles a little, holding them close. “I’m gonna have to make more room in my Franny pack.”

“Yeah?” Dominique asks. 

“It reminds me...that there  _ are _ good things about me, I guess. Ones I don’t even realize.” Fran admits. “It felt like I wasn’t so good at giving it, though.”

“Well, like everything, it’ll get better with practice,” Dominique encourages.

“Can I say my favorite one, or is that rude?” Fran wonders.

“That you wrote or that you got?” Jesus asks.

“That I got,” Fran says.

“I think we can all handle that,” Jesus nods. Everyone else nods, too.

“It was from Mari. The one saying I was her dream come true. Because I usually feel like… Like nobody’s dream come true.” Fran admits. “But I was yours?”

“You were,” Mari nods.

“And mine,” Jesus adds. “To be honest. You made coming back feel so much safer. Just by being there and being you.”

\--

“Did you like your affirmations, Mari?” Fran asks.

“I did.” Mari nods, blushing. “Like… I’m not used to it and whatever? Like Pearl said. But they felt nice. Unnecessary... But nice…”

“What felt unnecessary?” Jesus asks.

“Not unnecessary...well, yeah...and...like...excessive?” Mariana tries to find the word.

“Because nobody tells you anything good about yourself,” Levi points out. “So, now, you had five of us doing it. It probably did feel excessive.”

“It did,” Mariana nods.

“But it’s all true,” Levi adds.

Mariana bites her lip and looks away.

“How was it...to give the praise?” Dominique wonders. “Were you okay writing it down?”

Mariana nods. “I prefer that. Yeah.”

“Plus, then, we can keep it,” Fran says.

“Right,” Mari nods. “So, great idea.”

“Which one was your favorite?” Fran asks.

“That’s private,” she says, but Mariana’s gaze flickers to Levi and holds. She nods a little.

He nods back.

\--

Levi’s surprised when Mariana nods at him, to indicate that his affirmation of her meant the most.

“I didn’t get to share mine,” Pearl realizes. “My favorite was from Levi. You really have a way with words. And yours meant a lot to me.”

“Oh,” Levi answers.

“How was it?” Mariana asks. “Getting positive feedback?”

“I loved yours...and Dominique’s…” Levi admits. “And it was...nourishing, I think? Like when you eat a good meal?”

“Affirmations are delicious,” Dominique says lightly.

“Hell yeah, they are,” Jesus adds.

“Do you like giving it?” Mariana wonders.

“I do,” Levi nods. “I like having the opportunity to tell the people I love why I love them. Even though…” he looks at Fran. “Love doesn’t need a reason. You’re worthy of it because you’re a person.”

“I know,” Fran grins.

“How did it feel?” Mariana asks. “To get it?”

“You mean like...emotionally…” Levi realizes. “It felt...affirming. Like, validating.”

“I also wanted to add,” Pearl speaks up. “Not to cut you off, Levi. But...Mariana, it was so beautiful when you said to please keep working on trusting you like that… It just… It was very specific and it’s the same reason I really liked yours, Fran.”

“Thanks,” Fran says.

“Oh, wow, thanks,” Mariana responds. “But did you wanna say more, Levi?”

“No, I was done… What about you guys? Jesus? Dominique?”

\--

“I guess, I just felt hella undeserving?” Jesus admits. “They were, like, really kind. Like, off the charts, kind. Kinda like Mari was saying? That’s how they felt. And I really loved Pearl’s and Dominique’s and Levi’s.” 

“Everybody’s but your sisters’,” Fran teases gently.

“That’s not what I mean…” he says, smiling back. “I just mean, they were great reminders. And things I needed to hear.”

“How’d it feel to write them?” Levi asks.

“Writing is...it’s not easy for me? So, I feel like things don’t always come out the way I want them to? So, that’s kinda a letdown. Because no one’s gonna love mine the most, because it’s like,  _ ‘What the hell is he saying?’ _ ”

“No. I knew exactly what you were saying,” Fran objects. “And yours meant a lot to me because you respected my privacy a lot in it.”

“Thanks, buddy,” Jesus says. “What about you, Dominique?”

\--

“I think...all of y’all’s notes meant something to me for different reasons. But maybe especially Mari’s and Levi’s? And I’m… I guess, one of those people? I really love to do the affirming, and the being affirmed is kind of secondary. So it meant the most to me to be able to build all of you up.”

“Did you believe it?” Pearl asks. “The things that were said about you?”

“I did. I do,” Dominique nods. “Because I trust you. It just meant more to tell you how much I love you, Fran. And to tell Levi how much I love our talks. And how much I respect you, Mari. To apologize to you, Jesus, for having unrealistic expectations coming into our friendship, and how much I appreciate you, Pearl, for seeing my strengths.”

“You have such a good heart,” Levi comments.

“You really do,” Pearl echoes.

\--

They’re about to leave the table when Mariana asks Fran to hang around.

“Listen… So...I need to have some support group time tonight,” Mariana mentions, seriously. “Do you think you could find something to do for a while? I mean, I love you, and this is not me being like,  _ ‘Go away,’  _ I promise. Just...maybe you could talk to your friends or something?”

“Really? I could talk to Bella?” she asks.

“Yeah,” Mariana nods. “Text and see if she can.”

“Okay,” Fran grins.

“You know I’m not trying to leave you out on purpose. It’s just...I hope you never have to be in this support group.”

“For, like, rape stuff…” Fran says knowingly.

“Right,” Mariana nods.

“Are you okay?” Fran asks.

“Not really,” Mariana smiles sadly. “But talking tonight...maybe that will help…”

“Then I want you to,” Fran decides.

“You know I love you? A lot?” Mariana asks.

“Of course,” Fran says over her shoulder. “I’m your dream come true.”


	83. Circles

Once Fran is all set up and cozy in hers and Mariana’s bedroom, with her tablet, headphones and snacks, Mari glances around at the faces of her friends.

“I don’t… I guess I don’t really know what to say...or how to process this…but like...I can’t… I can’t imagine going home? Knowing he’s arrested?”

“It’s scary,” Dominique nods.

“He’s so… Everyone loves him?” Mariana admits. “Like, there was a reason I went out with him. He like… He’s…”

“Charming?” Pearl guesses.

Mariana nods. “So charming...and it’s… It feels gross to say it...but he was. He fooled everybody. Not just me. You know?”

“There’s a reason these people get away with what they do,” Dominique nods. “And that’s a big part of it.”

“ _ I _ was fooled,” Levi swallows. “ _ Dad _ was…”

Mariana watches as his eyes flit to Pearl, who nods her encouragement. 

“You can share,” Pearl says.

“Well...I don’t know if he was fooled, but…he thought I’d be safe for a few minutes if I waited outside the house… He was gonna drop me off somewhere else, but she...convinced him,” Levi shares.

“Everybody in elementary school in LA? They all thought he was like...tragic or something. Like,  _ oh, he’s such a good father, raising a kid on his own _ . He works so hard… I had to hear about it every day.”

“But,” Mari objects, turning to Pearl. “When it happened to you? He… This is gonna sound awful...but…he was cute?”

“We had less than nothing in common. He had no goals. Nothing I wanted to be. But he was older...and he  _ was _ cute...and he paid attention to me…” Pearl admits. “At 16, that’s…” she trails off gesturing vaguely.

“At 21, that’s...too…” Mariana nods. 

“So,” Pearl nods. “It makes sense. We don’t blame you. At all.”

“And we don’t blame you,” Jesus tells Pearl.

“I just like...can’t think about it without panicking. It’s worse now than when he was just out walking around. Because I feel like he’ll...take it out on me...knowing Stef… Like he’ll connect it back to me and…” Mariana shrugs.

“Given his history, though, it does make sense,” Pearl nods.

“Thank you,” Mariana nods. “I just...I’m so used to people saying that I’m overreacting.”

“You’re not,” Dominique shakes her head. “Nobody’s ready for this shit. And it was crappy of your parents to call when you were on vacation to tell you that.”

“Especially when...she just wanted to use me to bolster her...and not vice versa…”

“Yeah, that’s messed up,” Jesus comments. “And it makes me feel like, two-faced or something...that they were so supportive of me...when he like…” he trails off.

“Died?” Mariana fills in. “Well, but who knows? If he’d lived, they might’ve made that all about them, too. I’m glad you had support.”

“Still not over that I had to go through that exam after...for no reason…” Jesus shudders.

“Yeah, that’s brutal,” Mariana comments. “Sorry.”

“It was, yeah,” Jesus nods. 

“In case I haven’t said it recently, that was messed up as hell,” Mariana tells him. “There’s no way you should have had to go through that - and definitely not alone.”

“Thank you,” Jesus manages, clearing his throat. “It helps to hear.”

\--

Fran crunches some popcorn and gets Giselle on video chat. Isabella can’t talk yet. And Fran really does want to talk to Giselle about camp and stuff.

“What do you think about this shirt for camp?” Giselle asks, holding one up.

It’s pink, and it has a chocolate bar, a marshmallow and a graham cracker and -- Fran can just read the text backward -- WE ARE BETTER TOGETHER.

“It reminds me of this one shirt Jesus has,” Fran says, thinking of his Chocolate Milkshake shirt from Jaimie and Michael. “And it’s perfect for camp, especially if there’s gonna be real s’mores.”

“I think so,” Giselle says. “My mom says any camp that doesn’t have a s’mores option isn’t really a summer camp, but I think she was just joking.”

“Are you nervous? To be away from home?” Fran asks.

“Yes. I wish… I wish my brother could come, too. But he doesn’t even have CP.”

“I feel the same way as you,” Fran sighs. “I wish my sister could come. And she probably could? But it might also be too much for her. It’s just...I’d feel way better if I could trust somebody totally...like...a grownup.”

“Gil is seven,” Giselle passes along. “So he’s not a grownup. But we are basically best friends. I mean...like...other than you.”

Fran’s cheeks feel all warm. She’s never really been a best friend before. She’s had them. But she’s never, like, been claimed as one.

It feels good.

“You could trust me,” Fran offers. “I’m a little bit older--”

“--Two years and one month!” Giselle interrupts. “Because I’m going to be ten next month. You’re coming to my birthday, right?”

“Yeah,” Fran nods, even though she hasn’t asked. “Hey, you and my nephew will be born in the same month. Talon is going to be born in May. And my brother and sister!”

“But my birthday’s first, right?” Giselle checks. “On May 2nd.”

“Well, I don’t know when Talon will come, but Jesus and Mariana’s birthday is the 17th, so it’s earlier than that. And mine is April 2nd.”

“I know,” Giselle laughs. “I sent a video for your birthday, silly.”

“Oh yeah,” Fran laughs.

“What activities do you want to do at camp? I wanna do all the ones you do.”

“Same. So, like...if there’s arts and crafts...we should do that…”

“There is!” Giselle nods.

“And if there’s like…” Fran thinks, but she has no idea what other activities are at camp.

“Horseback riding, but I’m scared to do that,” Giselle admits. “What if the horse gets mad?”

Fran perks up at the idea. “Oh, I love horses. I definitely wanna do that. We’ll make sure you have a nice small one who’s not mad,” she insists.

“Okay, I guess…” Giselle nods.

“I don’t really wanna swim,” Fran admits.

“Me, neither, I always get too cold,” Giselle nods.

Just then, another call comes in on her tablet. It’s Bella!

“Hey, Giselle? I gotta go, okay? Bye.” Fran says, hanging up and getting Bella’s call.

\--

“I just…” Mariana ventures. “I don’t know how I’m going to go back there. Live in that house...with Stef...like… I feel like she’ll never shut up about it. Like...having me there is like…”

“Like you’re her personal therapist?” Dominique asks. “‘Cause that’s kinda what it sounds like.” 

“Even though she should be the one who’s there for you,” Pearl adds.

“Exactly like that, though. She, like, thinks that because she knows this about me that she can share her...whatever feelings with me about it…”

“When you have enough of your own feelings, and should be supported,” Levi adds.

“Thanks,” Mariana nods.

“Maybe set some boundaries?” Jesus suggests.

“That’s assuming they’ll even....” Mariana trails off. “Boundaries? For them? Are, like...proscuitto...they’re so thin…” she says, quoting an old comedy act.

Pearl lights up with a smile. “That so perfectly describes my mother, too:  _ with boundaries like prosciutto _ .”

“Right, they’re like suggestions....” Levi nods. “If they don’t actually feel like following them then they won’t.”

“Or my mother’s favorite:  _ “I respected your boundary,”  _ like it’s a one-time thing…” Pearl adds.

“So, yeah… It’s not that easy…” Mariana sighs.

“I’m hella frustrated that even with the massive workshop, they’re still screwing up this bad…” Jesus mutters.

“It’s not a cure-all…” Mariana objects. “It was never going to be. Fran and I knew that.”

“Right...just...you deserve it to be…” he says. “You guys both deserved them to not ever need it in the first place. Because they should have just known how to treat you like damn human beings.”

“That’s…” Mariana laughs, shaking her head. “No, it’s too hard.”

“For them,” Levi interjects.

“Right. For them,” she nods.

“They can help each other. Help B. Come through for each other, without batting an eye, but we want basic shit? It’s like no. Sorry not sorry. That’s too hard. And then it’s like…” she trails off.

“What?” Dominique asks.

“You’re shredded…” Mariana comments softly. “And no one notices. Because everybody else in the fucking world is worthy of respect. Everybody  _ but _ me.”

“So...you have this trauma...by this charming as hell guy...who fooled everyone…” Pearl reviews. “But your mothers are commandeering it and making it theirs. Their pain. They center themselves. And then you’re expected to...support them. Give them the support you need.”

“But never get, because it’s too hard to support disabled people,” Mariana comments, wiping her eyes.

“I’m so sorry,” Dominique apologizes.

“You know  _ we _ love you, right? You’re not too hard for  _ us _ to love?” Levi asks.

“I do. I know that,” Mariana sniffs, accepting Kleenex from Pearl. “It’s the only thing keeping me together.”

\--

“So, Mariana’s back?” Bella checks.

“Yeah, and Levi,” Fran says, settling in on the bed. “How’s vacation?”

“I saw this ginormous spider and it crawled at me, and I screamed,” Bella passes along.

“You’re so tough! Why did the spider scare you?” Fran asks, feeling more relaxed than she has in days.

“My dad said...it wasn’t a spider...it was a crab…” she shudders. “I am never eating crab again.”

“I didn’t know you were afraid of anything,” Fran comments seriously. “You always seem so fearless.”

“Everybody’s afraid of something, Francesca.” Bella says, looking right in her eyes.

“Doesn’t this cost you, like, a million dollars?” Fran asks. “Chatting from another country?”

“This app is free, so it’s okay. I just can’t text,” Bella says.

“So, you’re afraid of crabs. I still think you’re brave,” Fran tells her.

“What are you afraid of?” Bella asks.

Fran swallows her true answer: Moms. Even after the workshop they do and say things that scare her.

“I’m scared...of never being enough…” Francesca admits, as close to the truth as she can get.

“You’re more than enough for me,” Bella says. “You fill all of my loneliness.”

“Oh,” Fran says, feeling weirdly happy. “I do?”

“You do,” Bella says.

It makes Fran feel different, but like, in a good way, for once.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> End of Part III


	84. Unaware

Pearl has not been sleeping. She’s been up on and off since the massive thunderstorm hit around 2 AM. She keeps refreshing her phone to check on the weather. 

Deerwood is at risk for high winds.

She manages to sleep fitfully until around 5 AM when there’s a massive crack outside the window. She jumps and checks her phone again, but one glance across the room lets her know that the power is out. The digital clock display is black.

Must be a down tree branch.

She risks using her phone to check a weather report and hears for the first time about the blizzard headed their way by afternoon.

**Pearl:**

_ Power’s out. If you get this, the food in the fridge there will last til about 9 AM. Keep fridge closed / Eat what you can.  _

She sends the message to Jesus and Levi and then sets out to see what they have on hand. She finds a flashlight and batteries under the sink and clicks it on.

Cleo whines. 

“Yeah, you hate storms, don’t you? I’m sorry. I don’t like them either,” she whispers, kissing her.

She finds a linen closet, fairly well stocked with blankets. A very old battery-powered radio. Her first concern is food. If this blizzard hits and lasts as long as it’s said to? How are they going to manage, feeding six people for several days with no refrigeration or heating option?

To make matters worse, Pearl, the world-class procrastinator, has been putting off a trip to the grocery store. It’s stressful on her best day, and what with her trauma anniversary tomorrow and the next day, she just hasn’t been able to do it.

She had thought there’d be time. That maybe she could ask some of the other Avoiders to run into town for her.

Now, it looks like no one will be going anywhere.

The storm rages on until 6 AM, 7 AM, 8 AM…

Cleo relieves herself on the hardwood. Her nerves are beyond destroyed, poor thing.

Pearl comforts her and finds paper towels and cleanser to clean up after her.

“What’s going on?” Dominique calls from the balcony. “Why is it so dark?”

“Storm,” Pearl says. “Come down and eat what you want out of the fridge. It’s got about an hour before everything in there goes bad…”

“Shit,” Dominique manages.

She sits on a stool and together, they finish off the leftovers from dinner last night.

“The power’s really out?” Dominique checks, even though she’s tried the kitchen lights.

“Really,” Pearl says. “Maybe call home if you want to give your parents a heads up now? Or text?”

“It’s 6 AM there.” Dominique says.

“I don’t know how long your phone stays charged in the cold, but mine doesn’t keep long…”

“Good point,” Dominique makes a face. “I just don’t want them to worry, and I know they will. Y’all probably get storms all the time up here, right? And they blow over quick?”

“Sometimes,” Pearl allows. “But I’m not so sure about this one…”

\--

Dudley has been making Jesus’s attempts to sleep a living hell. He’s a great dog. Jesus wouldn’t want any other. But he cannot do storms. He shakes. He bolts. He’s a wreck, basically.

And since Jesus isn’t a fan of dark or loud noises? It isn’t great for him either.

At about 7 AM, he checks his phone and sees the message from Pearl about how long their refrigerated stuff will keep.

He goes back and forth to the refrigerator a few times, touching it and walking away. He’s not sure what they have. And he doesn’t want to waste time letting out what little cold might be left in there.

Besides the fact that it’s not technically his food.

He’s got the entire living room drawer, which is good, since it’s all nonperishable. 

Jesus glances out the window and sees the downpour. The trees bending in the wind.

“Ugh,” Levi groans from behind Jesus. “Seriously? We have no power?”

“Yeah, no…” Jesus answers.

“What do you wanna eat?” Levi asks.

“I think we should bring over what we can to next door, so we can share it? I know it’s not really my call, but...we don’t know how long this is gonna last. The food in the fridge only has another couple hours to stay good.”

“Let me see what else we have around…” Levi manages, blinking.

Jesus dumps the entire contents of the living room drawer into a grocery bag. Then he opens their pantry.

“Dude… Can I?” Jesus asks. 

“Yeah, save the fridge for last. I’m gonna see what we have for batteries, flashlights, blankets.”

“Good idea.” Jesus answers. He goes to their cupboards and gets whatever cans he finds - there aren’t many. Jesus tries not to panic. There’s also food at Grandpa’s cabin. This can’t last forever.

They’re gonna be okay.

Right?

\--

Mariana pulls a pillow over her head as someone knocks on the door.

“Go away…” she calls.

“We’re sleeping,” Fran adds.

“I’m sorry...but we kinda have a situation here…” Dominique insists softly.

Mariana gets up and makes her way to the door. She opens it, and then wishes she hadn’t. The beam of Dominique’s flashlight is shining right in her eyes.

“Sorry,” Dominique apologizes, aiming it lower. “We just… There’s a big storm, and we lost power. That means everything in the fridge is gonna be a no-go in about a half hour. So I wanted y’all to have the chance to eat what you wanted…”

“We lost power?” Fran asks, awake now. 

“We’re gonna be okay,” Dominique reassures. “But it’s not gonna be safe much longer to eat what’s in the fridge. So…”

Mariana nods and makes her way out to the kitchen.

She doesn’t want anything, but she can see a pitcher of cold brew coffee. It would probably keep, even at room temperature, but she still wants it.

“Where’s the tatertot thing Pearl made?” Fran asks.

“Oh, I’m sorry… We may have finished that off,” Pearl apologizes.

Fran makes a face. “What’s the point of waking me up then?”

“Want some cheese?” Mari asks, setting down a whole stack of Kraft singles. Grudgingly Fran accepts them, and the bologna and rolls one of each together, eating them.

Mariana pours coffee.

“You want some milk?” she asks Fran. “It’s gonna be a goner in a little bit.”

“Yes,” Fran says, and Mariana pours her a big glass. “I’m cold, though,” she shivers.

“Unfortunately, we also have no heat,” Pearl says. “But I found plenty of blankets and a radio. Only one flashlight though. Maybe Frank had candles around.”

“Even if he did…” Dominique speaks up. “I’m not good with those…”

“Point taken,” Pearl says. “I’ll see if Levi and Jesus can find any other flashlights at our place.”

Mariana bites her lip and then texts Moms. It’s the last thing she wants to do, especially with the Nick of it all, but she can’t in good conscience not let them know what’s going on.

**Mariana:**

_ Big storm. Power’s out. Phone battery draining fast. We are OK. Will text again when we can. _

\--

“Levi, Pearl’s wondering if you have any other flashlights around,” Jesus asks.

“I’ll see. We gotta get the food next door though,” he says. “If it’s gonna be any good at all.”

“I can run it over,” Jesus offers. 

He doesn’t wait. He starts out with a couple bags and Dudley’s leash.

The rain is intense, and he doesn’t have a poncho or anything -- he realizes belatedly. His hoodie is soaked in minutes. Branches are down, and everything is icy as hell. He nearly bites it a couple times. Finally, he arrives on the front step of Grandpa’s cabin and knocks.

“Here. We’ve got more, we just...wanted to get you guys the refrigerated stuff ASAP so we could all have dibs before it goes bad.”

“Sounds good,” Pearl says. “Make sure you guys toss whatever you know we’re not gonna eat.”

“How do I know what we’re not gonna eat?” Jesus asks, not on board with throwing away food. “I’ll just bring it all.”

“Fine, but we may have to throw some out,” Pearl warns. “Because otherwise it’ll rot. I know that’s...it’s a sensitive subject for you. So I just want you to be forewarned. That it probably will happen.”

“God, this is my worst nightmare,” Jesus admits softly. “What if we run out?”

“We won’t run out. Come on. I think Frank’s got a heavy coat or two in the front closet.” Pearl says. “Put one on, and I’ll come back with you.”

They make several trips - Dudley and Cleo hating every second of it. And they manage to make it back to Grandpa’s cabin having cleared out the West’s fridge, and gathered all the food from their cupboards and pantry.

Jesus instantly sets to organizing it.

“Jesus,” Mariana says.

“Yeah?” he asks, distracted.

“There’s going to be time for that...just...eat?” she asks. “Whatever cold stuff you want. It’s almost gonna expire.”

Jesus surveys the pile and takes the box of frozen waffles. He opens it and eats the last two, They’re not bad, even icy.

Fran’s watching him, concerned. 

“What? I’m okay,” he reassured.

“You’re eating actual frozen waffles,” Fran points out.

“I am,” Jesus nods. “They’re gonna go bad if I don’t.”

“We’re used to eating frozen stuff,” Mariana says, she’s found a bag of baby carrots and is finishing them off.

Fran makes a face. “I’m not,”

“Well, we had different childhoods…” Mariana says.

“I think the storm stopped,” Levi observes, having just come in from outside. He and Panther are both drenched but safe. “Also, it’s 9:00 now, so it’s time to get rid of the rest of this perishable stuff,” he says, regretful.

“Did you get to eat anything?” Pearl asks. 

“I did, I had some mashed potatoes, meatloaf and some peas. Solid breakfast,” he says, smiling.

“I had bologna and cheese and milk,” Fran says.

“Are you gonna be okay with this?” Pearl asks Jesus.

“Yeah, are you?” Levi asks Mari.

“Yeah,” they chorus.

“I wanna figure out what we have. What we can stretch,” Jesus says. “And I need a distraction. Hey did anybody get in touch with Moms? My phone’s about to die.”

“I did,” Mariana says. 

“I talked to mine,” Dominique volunteers.

“I’m not speaking to mine,” Pearl says, determined.

As if, on cue, Levi’s phone rings.

\--

“Are you kids alright?” Mom asks.

“Hey, Mom,” Levi greets. “Yeah, we are. We’re all together at Mari’s cabin. Are you okay?”

“I’m okay,” she says. “Listen, we’re supposed to get another round about 1:30. Big blizzard. Stay inside. It’s icy everywhere now. Don’t try to be a hero.”

“I won’t,” Levi agrees. “You stay in, too, please?”

“I will,” Mom says. “I love you, son.”

“I love you. Do you have a way to reach help if you need?” Levi asks.

“Nadine’s nearby. They can get to me if they have to. I’m just gonna hunker down here,” Mom says. “You kids listen to the radio. You got enough to eat?”

“We cleared out the fridges and our pantry and cupboards. Jesus is doing inventory right now, seeing what we’ve got. We just had to get rid of all the rest of the perishable stuff. But we ate what we wanted for breakfast before it went bad.”

“Good thought,” Mom says. “You kids stay safe. Give me your word you’re gonna stay inside now. For the next few days until this blows over?”

"What about the dogs? They have to do their business..." Levi objects.

"Panther's got an indoor box with some of that fake grass. She knows how to use it." Mom cautions.

"Fine, but you realize that means I have to go back next door and find the thing," Levi says.

"Do it before 1:30. Tug o' War and Hide and Seek for the animals so they don't get bored. They still gotta exercise. But you...promise me you'll stay inside."

“Yes, ma’am,” Levi promises. “My phone’s gonna go any minute so...I love you. You don’t go out either? You have enough to eat? To stay warm?”

“Don’t worry about me,” Mom reassures. “I was just at the store-- Love--”

“Love you,” Levi says, as the call drops.

\--

“Well, that’s it from Mom,” Levi sighs. “She made me give her my word we wouldn’t go outside ‘til this blows through. No heroics. That goes for all of us,” he says seriously. “We stick together.”

“I don’t want to go outside in that, anyway,” Fran insists.

“Good. That’s what I like to hear,” Levi nods. He looks to Mari, Jesus, Dom and Pearl. “Your word?” he asks.

“You have it,” Pearl nods.

Mari, Jesus and Dominique nod. 

“No one’s going out in this,” Jesus says.

“Alright… I guess we should get comfortable,” Levi says. “Mom says we’re in for a major blizzard.”


	85. Buried

Levi runs back to his own cabin one more time to make sure he has Panther’s indoor litter box thing from Mom and some other essentials - he makes sure to grab Pearl’s journal for her, as well as his own, and their shared one, Grumpy Bear and their Dad blanket. He gives the cabin a once over, stops by the bathroom for toothbrushes, all their extra TP, and locates a couple more flashlights, bringing the total to four.

He knows once he’s inside Frank’s cabin, that’s it. He promised Mom.

No heroics. No going out.

He uses the flashlight to case their kitchen one more time. Finds a couple bags of tortillas and cans of refried beans in a high cupboard, like Pearl was saving them for a special occasion, or maybe forgot about them. He also spots his portable DVD player that runs on batteries and grabs a handful of Disney movies and a few decks of cards.

He double checks the corner where Panther and Dudley’s food and water bowls are. Where their food was. But then, he does remember that Jesus made sure to take it with him. It was one of the first things he grabbed.

Levi puts it all in a giant bag he usually uses for Christmas gifts and tries to make his way across their yard again. It’s sleeting now, and everything’s ice. 

He’s concentrating so hard on getting back fast that Levi slips, scraping his forehead on a down branch. He’s so cold and focused he barely feels it.

Finally, Levi’s on the porch at Frank’s and lets himself in.

“That’s it,” he gasps. “I got some more stuff,” he tells them.

“ _ Where were you on the morning of April 9th, 20--?” _ Fran asks, shining the flashlight on him, and using an interrogating tone. She trails off, getting serious. “What happened to you?”

“Branch,” he says.

“Here,” she invites, extending her hand. “Put that down,” Fran waves her hand at the bag.

Confused, Levi drops it. Lets himself be led over to a kitchen chair. Jesus is here, but is totally absorbed by their food, and is still all about figuring out how much they have.

Fran props a flashlight up near him. She goes to the sink and wets down a cloth.

“That’s rude. The water’s ice cube temperature,” she mutters. She wrings out her cloth and brings it over. “It’s supposed to be warm, but I’m not a wizard, unfortunately.”

“Don’t want to be a witch?” he asks, wincing a little as she presses the cloth to his forehead.

It comes away bloody.

“Oops, I forgot soap. No,” Fran wrinkles her nose. “Would you wanna be a witch? Everybody thinks they’re evil. Wizards are cool,” she says.

“What about Hermione?” Levi asks, winking, then wincing.

“She’s a wizard,” Fran says, confident. “I just decided.”

“I got it,” Mariana says. “Let’s just...use some of this…” she says coming at him with antibiotic cream. She dabs it on gently. “Bandaid?” she asks Fran.

“Bandaid,” she says, and Fran hands her one with pink My Little Ponies on it. Mariana sticks it on Levi’s forehead.

“You should give it a kiss,” Fran says mischievously.

Mariana raises her eyebrows.

“To help it feel better,” Fran says innocently.

“Should I? I mean… Do you…?” Mariana asks Levi.

“That does usually help…” Levi says mirroring Fran’s innocent tone. “But only if you want to.”

“Of course.” She leans in and presses her warm lips to the spot over his eye. 

Fran watches them intently.

“Wow. You guys really kissed! Mariana, you really kissed Levi!” she exclaims.

“I did,” she laughs a little. “Better?” she asks Levi.

“Definitely, better,” he nods. “Thanks. Both of you.” Levi finally turns his attention to Jesus. “So...I found a couple packages of tortillas and refried beans in another cupboard,” he says.

\--

“Dude, that’s awesome.” Jesus breathes. So far, between his snacks and Mariana’s. He’s only sure they have breakfast covered for the next several days. They have plenty of his brownie protein bars plus Mari’s vegan protein bars. A box of plain Cheerios here, and the end of a box of Cookie Crisp. It’s lunch and dinner that concern him.

Needless to say, the discovery of Levi’s tortilla stash helps. He thinks, even if they have to live only on bean tortillas and granola bars for a few days, they might just make it.

Plus, they have half a loaf of bread. And some peanut butter and jelly. (So everybody could technically have a sandwich at some point for variety. Pearl made sure his drawer at their cabin had three sandwiches in it too.)

Mariana’s got some dark chocolate banana brittle, vegan trail mix and chips. Jesus’s drawer also had eight small trail mixes, a sleeve of graham crackers, one small box of Junior Mints and a box of eight Hostess cupcakes.

As far as beverages, they’re stuck with water and the pitcher of cold brew coffee, which he knows Mari will do her best to stretch or else go into caffeine withdrawal and no one wants her to have that headache on top of her usual.

Otherwise, they have a can of creamed corn, a few cans of green beans, two apples, six bananas, four cans of Spam, a can of Dinty Moore beef stew, a couple cans of Chef Boyardee beef ravioli and one can of Chef Boyardee spaghetti and meatballs.

It sounds like a lot.

But he knows they’ll have to be careful.

\--

“What happened?” Pearl asks, as Levi empties his giant bag, showing her the extra flashlights, comfort items and toiletries.

“Nothing. I just fell. I hit it on a branch. It’s fine. Fran and Mari fixed me up.”

“That was good thinking getting toothbrushes and extra toilet paper,” she praises. 

“I also found your secret stash of tortillas. I gave them to Jesus, to add to the collection.”

“I didn’t have a secret… Oh, wait, yes I did. I always put them aside and then forget where I put them…” she nods, shivering. “I am not liking this cold.”

“Put some layers on,” he advises.

“Mari, I found your extra flashlight, and that reminds me, I’ve got one, too, in my purse.” Dominique passes along.

“Good, so we’ve all got flashlights?” Levi asks. “I grabbed extra batteries, too, so we should be okay.”

“Thank you,” Jesus tells him.

“You brought a tiny DVD player! Can I watch this?” Francesca asks, holding up his battered copy of  _ The Princess and the Frog _ .

“Sure,” he says.

“Oh, that reminds me of my bayou painting…” Dominique gushes. “I love that thing. I can watch, right?” she asks, winking at Fran.

“If you don’t sing,” Fran teases.

Pearl can see when Dominique’s face falls.

“I didn’t mean you don’t have a good voice. I just mean, like, it’s embarrassing when my moms start singing Madonna and Whitney Houston…”

“I’m not your moms,” Dominique comments quietly.

“I know. I’m sorry,” Fran apologizes. “You can sing if you want to. I just got carried away in the moment.”

“Thank you. For the apology,” Dominique tells her.

\--

While Levi, Dominique and Fran settle in to watch a movie, Mariana, Pearl and Jesus gather around the table.

“So...what do we have?” Pearl asks.

“It depends on how long this storm takes… Like, I think we’ll be okay for a day or two…but after that...I don’t know…” Jesus admits.

“I was gonna go to the store today,” Pearl breathes. “And yesterday...and the day before that. But I just...didn’t. With the traumaversary coming up and all? I just...couldn’t bring myself to. And I hated to ask Levi, since he’s off and has a history with stores being stressful…”

“Don’t blame yourself,” Mariana says. “We don’t.”

“No, we don’t,” Jesus reassures. “We get that it’s hard, and nobody saw this coming…”

“I should have,” Pearl insists.

“Says who?” Jesus asks.

Mariana glances out to the darkened living room, to where Fran is surrounded by Levi and Dominique. Someone’s put a blanket around Fran, who’s always cold. 

(Mari’s a little cold, too.)

God, how are they gonna make sure that Fran stays warm and fed now?

This is feeling too much like life with Ana. Just trying to stay alive, and with so little.

Her eyes travel to a box of soda crackers. She swallows her own visceral response to them. She’s never been able to eat them. Even in soup. She’s never known why.

And Moms are never gonna forgive her if something happens to Fran.

All this is crushing and enough depression to send Mariana back to bed. At least it’s warm there.

\--

“Is she okay?” Pearl asks once Mariana walks away.

“No,” Jesus shakes his head. “This...like...type of situation is… We didn’t really… I mean...sorry, it’s so damn cold, and I can’t think straight.”

“Go dry off,” Pearl urges. “Make sure to get your hair, and...put some warmer clothes on.”

“I don’t have anything warmer,” Jesus objects.

“Drier?” Pearl asks. “You don’t wanna get sick on top of this.”

Once Jesus is gone and changing, Pearl checks on Mari, who’s burrowed under the blankets in the dark.

“Hey...” Pearl says. “May I join you?” 

Mariana flips the blankets back, an invitation.

“I’m doing my best to keep trusting you like that. It’s gonna be okay. Are you? Okay?” Pearl asks.

“No,” Mariana mumbles. “Moms are gonna kill me. If something happens to Fran. Or if Jesus gets pneumonia…”

“We’re going to make sure everyone stays safe,” Pearl promises.

“You can’t,” Mariana objects.

“No, I can’t guarantee it, but I can do whatever I can. I can fight for you guys. And I will.” Pearl insists.

“Scared of running out…” Mariana admits.

“Me, too…” Pearl says, soft.

\--

It’s after the movie when Francesca starts to hear the wind howling.

She’s heard that saying before, but never really knew what it meant. Now, she knows why it’s called that. It makes her shiver. Hearing branches break outside, with no lights and no heat inside. It makes her nervous. She stays cuddled next to Dominique for warmth.

“I don’t like this,” Fran says softly.

“I don’t either,” Dominique says. “But it helps to think of it kinda like an adventure. Like Dumbledore says. Life is an adventure, right? Is this your first blizzard?”

“Yeah.” Fran nods.

“Mine, too,” Dominique nods.

“I’m hungry,” Fran says. “It’s like in school when I’m hungry and thirsty all day…”

“Are you still not feeling safe enough to eat and drink there?” Dominique asks.

“No. We only get a certain number of bathroom passes. And sometimes I do have to go, anyways, even with being careful. So I just save those for the emergencies.” Fran explains.

“Well, we’re going to make sure you have enough. Make sure you drink water, okay?” Dominique advises.

“It’s cold, though.” Fran complains.

“I know and I’m sorry. But it’s literally all we’ve got except for cold brew coffee,” Dominique apologizes.

“Also cold,” Fran fills in, knowing.

“Also cold,” Dominique nods sadly.

“Come with me to the kitchen?” Fran asks. “I don’t want to go alone when it’s dark and scary…”

\--

Dominique doesn’t say it, because Fran’s twelve, and no twelve year old should have to deal with what Dominique was dealing with when she was that age, but her experience has made her more than a little food insecure, too.

It’s common knowledge that it’s a thing for Jesus, and Mariana. She’s getting the sense that it’s even a thing for Fran. Maybe for Pearl, too.

The thing is, Dominique’s never had cause to connect the dots on it in this way, because from the time she got away? Her parents always made sure she had enough to eat.

It’s never been an area she’s had to worry about.

Until now.

Jesus is making lunch for them - refried beans on soft tortilla shells. He splits a can of green beans expertly six ways. And gives them each a Hostess cupcake for dessert.

“We have to stretch things, but I want us to eat as well as we can,” he explains.

Fran digs into her tortilla. “This is good,” she says.

“Here. Take mine,” Dominique insists. It’s about then, that she sees Jesus and Mariana making moves to offer her theirs as well.

“Okay. Everybody. We’ve got enough food,” Levi reasons. “So, we can all eat what we’ve got in front of us. It’s not gonna do us any good to forfeit our own nutrition when we don’t have to. We all need food. Fuel to run. And there are snacks and stuff, Fran, if you’re hungry still.”

“I know,” Fran nods.

“I gotta give Panther some exercise, who wants to play hide and seek with her?” Levi asks.

“Dudley could use some, too,” Jesus adds.

“And Roberta,” Dominique chimes in.

“And Cleo,” Pearl says.

“I’ll count,” Mariana volunteers.

“And I’ll hide,” Fran offers, “I’m small, so I can hide the best.”

“Rules,” Jesus calls out.

“Don’t hide outside or upstairs, I know,” Fran says over her shoulder.

“Good job,” he responds.

\--

“I’ll hide with you,” Levi offers. “Panther’s used to looking for me.”

Mariana gets set on the couch to start counting, holding onto Panther’s collar. 

“She’s fine,” Levi says. “Panther. Hide and seek?”

Panther’s tail wags furiously. She pants, happy. “Okay. Wait,” he tells her.

Obediently, she plops her butt down on Mari’s feet.

Unfortunately, Roberta’s not as obedient, and it’s work to keep the cat nearby. And to keep Cleo from chasing her.

“Good girl,” Levi croons. “Count ‘til we’re hidden?” Levi asks Mari.

\--

Mariana counts slowly, smiling a little as Fran disappears behind the couch she’s on. Levi beside her. Pearl hides in the bathroom. Jesus picks a spot under the kitchen table. Dominique hides in Mari and Fran’s room.

Then, she stops.

“Dudley, where’s Jesus?” Mariana asks.

Dudley’s off like a shot, from where he’d been, obediently sitting and waiting for Jesus’s “Okay,” which he gives from under the table. He finds Jesus in two seconds flat, lying on his stomach and trying to burrow under the chairs, his tail wagging back and forth.

“Good boy,” Jesus says. “You found me!”

Dudley licks him all over.

“Roberta, come,” Dominique calls, next, her voice disembodied. 

Mari doubts that any cat can play hide and seek, but Roberta proves her wrong. She jumps down from the couch and takes her time, tail swishing in the air, until she gets to the bedroom door. She nudges the door open and meows loudly.

“Hey, you won!” Dominique’s praise carries through the cabin.

“Cleo, where’s Pearl?” Mariana wonders, putting the pug down. She barks and snorts and sniffs all around. She comes to the closed bathroom door and whines, scratching at it.

“Hey,” Pearl says, opening the door. “You’re so good at this game,” she says. Cleo licks her nose.

Finally, Mariana asks Panther the magic words: “Where’s Levi?” 

Mariana jumps as Panther puts her front feet on the couch right beside where she’s sitting and easily looks over the back. Her tail thwacks Mariana over and over.

“Whoa… The enthusiasm…” Mariana laughs.

“Hey! No fair! She found us right away!” Fran objects laughing.

“I told you. She’s a pro at this game...even in the dark. We gotta find some better hiding places,” he winks at Francesca and covers Panther in kisses.


	86. Strengths

Playing pet hide and seek really helped warm Fran up, but she also feels extra tired, because she got up early to eat bologna and cheese for breakfast. It’s been a weird time. Half exciting because of the adventure of a blizzard, and half scary, because of the dark and the cold.

It makes her think of dementors. It makes her feel like she really needs some chocolate. She goes over to the snack pile and looks through it. She does not really like any of Mariana’s type of snacks because they’re  _ vegantarian _ . But she picks out one of Jesus’s chocolate brownie bars to eat.

“I think we should have Feelings Time,” Jesus says.

“I’m feeling cold, like a dementor sucked my soul out,” Fran volunteers.

“Okay, that’s brutal,” Dominique responds. “Let’s get you warmed up.”

“You can’t,” Fran says. “You can’t just warm up from that, you need chocolate, so that’s why,” she holds up her brownie bar.

“Good idea,” Jesus says. “And it has protein. So it’s good for you.”

Fran wrinkles her nose. “Ew. Jesus, why did you have to tell me it was healthy? Now it’s ruined.”

“It’s still a brownie,” he points out.

“I know, but now I know it’s good for me…” Fran grimaces.

“How does everyone else feel?” Jesus asks, putting a blanket around Fran’s shoulders.

“In my trauma,” Mariana offers flatly. She gives a look to Fran and tries again. “I mean...we’re gonna be okay, Fran, but just...it reminds me…”

“Yeah,” Jesus nods. “It reminds me, too.”

Dominique nods along. “I feel like I’m a little more distant?” she admits. The only time I felt here-here, we were playing hide and seek...and even that… I’m just...not looking forward to it getting dark.”

\--

“Also...speaking of the dark...can we talk about sleeping arrangements?” Pearl asks.

“You’re anxious about that?” Dominique asks.

“Yes,” Pearl says bluntly. “I’d rather not sleep on the couch if… If things are going to change...with the makeup of the house.”

“I have makeup,” Fran offers, giggling.

“She means with boys sleeping over,” Mariana says.

“I know, I was just trying to be funny,” Fran says, but by now she’s gotten a look at Pearl, who doesn’t look in the mood for jokes. “Oops…”

“So...you sleep in my room, with me.” Dominique offers. 

“You wouldn’t mind?” Pearl asks.

“No. We’ll probably need the body heat, honestly…” Dominique says.

“What about me?” Fran says. “And my body heat?”

“Well, your body heat is safe with me,” Mariana says. “We’ll keep everything the same for us. I think that’s safest. We don’t want to try the stairs when it’s dark.”

“That’s true.”

“Um...does that mean we’re sharing?” Levi asks Jesus. “Like, a room?”

“Like, a bed....” Jesus says serious. 

“Are you cool with that?” Levi asks.

“Dudley can be a barrier,” Jesus offers.

“And I usually sleep with Panther,” Levi nods. 

“Guys…” Fran giggles. “Your bed is gonna be so full of dogs and humans.”

They smile a little.

\--

Levi’s trying to look on the bright side right now, but he’s just realizing something:

With all the trips he took next door, he forgot something major: he doesn’t have a change of clothes - not even one - and God knows how long he’ll be stuck here.

“Dude. What’s up?” Jesus asks, noting Levi’s worried expression.

“I just realized...I don’t have anything. Like, clothing…” Levi says. “I was so focused on food and..and..essentials that I didn’t--”

“It’s okay,” Pearl tells him. “I got you some. Call it instinct, but I remember that last year you ended up needing some things from home. So, I tossed some things in a bag for you. No guarantee any of it matches, but you _ do _ have clothing.”

“Thank you,” Levi breathes a sigh of relief. “So… Levi turns to Mariana. “This is reminding you?”

\--

Mariana blinks, surprised. 

It’s so easy to just remove herself. She’s gotten so used to needing to do it with Moms that it comes naturally to her.

Just like that, she’s trapped in a crib with Jesus, gnawing hunger, and a full diaper. She remembers the feeling of the vinyl covered playpen sides in her mouth as she bit down, desperate for something - anything - to eat.

“I guess, yeah.” she nods.

“Anything we can do to help?” Levi wonders.

“Distract me,” she says. “How’s your head? Not that I’m using you as a distraction…”

“No,” Levi agrees. “It...could probably use another bandaid. Fran? Can I have another pony?”

Francesca laughs. “Sure,” she says, digging in her fanny pack. “Have Fluttershy, that’s the one Pearl had when she was little.”

“Wait. Really?” Levi asks, undoing the bandaid and holding it up to himself awkwardly.

Jesus steps in, seamless. “I got it. I mean, is it cool?”

“Yeah,” Levi nods. 

“Yeah, this needs to be covered more. Fran, you got anything bigger?” Jesus asks.

“No, just regular bandaids.”

“There’s some gauze and tape in the bathroom,” Dominique offers, standing to go get it.

She brings it back, and Mariana can tell Levi’s feeling embarrassed that Feelings Time was brought to a halt by his injury.

But she looks on, struck by Jesus’s gentleness and kindness. By his ability to be both, even in the face of everything he’s gone through in his life.

Finally, Jesus finishes rebandaging Levi’s head and he sits back. “Are you okay? Need some Tylenol?”

“I mean...maybe?” Levi nods, wincing.

Then, Jesus is up, in the kitchen and back with the bottle.

“What about you?” Mariana presses.

\--

“What  _ about _ me?” Jesus asks back.

“We had to throw away food,” Pearl offers quietly. “And we’re kind of having to stretch what we do have. Are you okay with that?”

“No,” Jesus and Mariana chorus.

“I need us to have gone to the store, but we didn’t, and now we’re screwed,” Jesus rants softly.

“We’re not screwed,” Francesca pushes back. 

“I shouldn’t have said that,” Jesus realizes. “Please don’t say it either, Fran.”

“Fine, but look at this big pile, Jesus and Mari. There’s so much food right here. Everything will probably be back to normal by tomorrow. We can go shopping and get more food. Problem solved.”

“I hope you’re right,” Jesus nods.

His eyes fall on one of the sleeves of soda crackers. And it’s like...instantly this pit of hunger opens up in him. He could easily eat all of the crackers in one sitting. But he knows he can’t. Won’t. Because he has to leave some for the rest of The Avoiders.

Jesus doesn’t get it, though. Why seeing those makes him taste salt and feel so desperately hungry.

“Dominique didn’t get to share how she’s feeling,” Fran realizes.

Jesus shakes his head to clear it. “Yeah. Dom, you totally should.”

\--

“Out of it,” Dominique admits. “Like...coping...but out of it…”

She shivers. 

The act alone puts her on edge. Back in the hospital, she’d shivered involuntarily - constantly - always feeling cold. Then, of course there was before the hospital, with work and the dudes who asked if she - an eleven-year-old in skimpy clothes - was cold as an opening salvo to whatever would come next.

Because a lot of times she was. But sometimes, she was just scared. It felt like her body betrayed her. This on top of worrying about food? It might just be too much.

The dark, the threat of candles, even if they have enough flashlights. It’s enough to undo her.

“How can we help?” Mariana wonders. “Can we?”

“I’m cold…” she offers, even as Roberta settles on Dominique’s lap, warming her slightly.

“Well, let’s warm you,” Pearl offers. She slides closer. “Is that okay?” she asks.

“If you want,” Dominique says. “Then it is.”

Pearl moves closer and puts an arm around her. Fran joins them on Dominique’s other side. Mariana offers a thick blanket.

“Thanks,” she offers. “I feel like I shouldn’t have mentioned it. Like I’m making too big a deal out of it. At the same time...I hate shivering…”

“Dementors?” Fran wonders, cuddled up to her side.

“Of a sort,” Dominique allows.

“It’s important that we take care of each other,” Levi speaks up. “Especially basic needs. So, it’s never too much to need something. We all wanna help each other if we can, right?”

“Right,” Fran answers.

“This is a hard thing...but we can do hard things,” Levi tells them. “As long as we’re together. And we are.”

“Levi, you should be president,” Fran says, admiringly.

“Thank you,” he laughs a little. “But seriously, I don’t want anybody feeling alone now. Or ever. So if you need something, promise me you’ll tell one of us.”

Dominique swallows.

“I need to skip tomorrow and the next day,” Pearl speaks up.

“Got it. I’ll work on that time machine,” Levi agrees, smiling gently.

“Don’t time machines go backward only?” Fran asks.

“Not in  _ Back to the Future _ ,” Pearl says. “I’d like to go to the future right about now. Be safely in California with all of you, warm and with plenty to eat.”

“We will be...soon…” Levi says.

“I’d like to go to camp,” Fran shares. “Where would you go, if you could?”

“I’d go…” Mariana ventures. “Maybe to Jess or Elise’s?”

“I’d go back to the past,” Levi admits. “Introduce Pearl and Dad, like I should have done.”

Pearl chokes up briefly beside Dominique. “Oh God. That’s so beautiful.”

“What? I would…” Levi nods. “Jesus?”

“I’d go back...too...and I’d get Isaac out safely. And we’d go home together. What about you, Dominique?”

She blinks, coming back from her own memories. Knows there’s no use in going back in time. In trying to change what can’t be changed. Knows that no matter how much she wants it, Taylor can’t be saved.

But there are still people here who she can save.

“I would...get you out of your terrible house,” she says to Fran. “You and Mariana both.” 

“Oh, thanks,” Mariana says.

Dominique nods. “No woman left behind. And Levi and Pearl would already be there, at Gateway.”

“And we’d live happily ever after?” Fran asks.

“Maybe not happily all the time,” Dominique allows. “But we’d be together.”

“ _Safely_ ever after,” Fran amends. “That’s how we’ll live.”

“You got it, buddy,” Jesus nods.


	87. Warmth

Dinner time is a relief for Jesus. It’s sorta a relief to be able to feed his friends, but also hella anxiety-producing to do it and think about what it means. To think about their supplies levels going down.

Levi opens a can of Spam, so everyone gets a piece. Jesus doesn’t mind it, but Mariana won’t touch it. Neither will Fran. So Levi and Jesus each take an extra piece of Spam after both Dom and Pearl turn down the extras. 

Everyone gets a banana, before they go bad. Fran finally agrees to have a peanut butter sandwich and she puts her banana on it. Mariana makes herself a jelly sandwich using some of the bread.

Jesus opens a can of green beans to split six ways, and tries to ignore Fran’s noises of disgust.

For dessert, Mariana shares her banana and chocolate brittle with Pearl, Dom and Levi. Fran and Jesus finish off the Hostess cupcakes.

(Eating his, Jesus can’t not think about Isaac. And their twelfth birthday, which they kinda shared. It was also kinda unnerving. Since he’s similarly food insecure, and scoping all the food.)

“How’s everybody? Full?” he checks, knowing Pearl and Dominique each only ate a piece of Spam, a banana and a tiny serving of cold green beans before they got some brittle.

“Have some trail mix,” Mariana offers.

Pearl and Dominique each take a package and Jesus feels a little better. He and Levi and Mariana do, too. Fran doesn’t because she hates raisins - she finally decides to have a graham cracker.

Now, they’ve officially run out of two things. Jesus tries not to think too much about it. The bananas weren’t going to keep long anyway, and a box of Hostess snack cakes? Well, that’s always gonna disappear in a hurry.

Still, Jesus is nervous.

“Kinda full…” Fran allows. “Can I have some fruit snacks?”

“Yeah,” he says and opens a box. (Seriously, Fran is so skinny, and she’s always burning calories so fast that she needs all the food she can hold.)

She takes a package and rips it open, exclaiming over what kind of dinosaurs she got, and organizing them by color.

\--

“My laptop’s charged...well...it  _ was _ fully charged…” Mariana announces. “Do we wanna check on the weather? Or do a status to let our people know we’re okay?”

“That’s a good idea,” Levi says.

With a quick check of the weather, Mariana can see that there’s no end in sight for this blizzard. Blowing snow. 40 mile-an-hour winds and just...so...much...snow.

“I don’t wanna type. My hands are cold...and my words are...like...what do we say?” Mariana asks.

“A picture, maybe?” Francesca offers. “So we can remember this adventure?”

They talk among themselves and everybody agrees to a picture. They gather Dudley, Cleo, Panther and Roberta, too, and go close to a window, where there’s still a bit of natural light filtering through. Jesus takes the picture of all of them huddled together, smiling uncertainly at the camera.

Mariana posts it with consent, no caption just the hashtag #SnowboundAvoiders. 

As Mariana shuts down her laptop, she’s glad for Facebook’s privacy settings. Moms won’t see this. So, they won’t be able to share it without consent.

\--

Pearl shivers. “I am not a fan of this encroaching dark, you guys. Our daylight is going to be gone by 8 PM, and I am going to be plunged into my nightmares.”

“But we weren’t in your nightmares,” Fran points out. “So, then, you know that your nightmares aren’t real.”

“I wish,” Pearl says. “Unfortunately, they are very real.”

“I know. I just mean… They’re not real right now.” Fran bites her lip. “Do you guys think I’m gonna be in trouble because of being in that picture on your Facebook, Mari?”

“I filtered out Moms, so they can’t see it. And I didn’t tag any of us. That way, even though Pearl’s friends with them, there’s not a way for them to see it.”

“Oh, okay. Good,” Fran sighs. “Because I think I should get to be in pictures. Also, it was my idea to take it.” She’s sitting on Mariana’s lap and both of them are wrapped in a blanket.

“Alright, who’s up for some cards?” Levi asks. “I think we should save movies for when we don’t have anymore light…” he admits.

“I don’t know if I can concentrate on cards,” Pearl admits.

“I suck at cards,” Mariana says.

“It’s hard to see them,” Fran points out.

“Jesus? Dominique?” he asks.

But Jesus is back to reorganizing their food, and Dominique shakes her head.

\--

Dominique is trying to keep her shit together when Pearl comes and sits beside her. “Not okay either?” Pearl asks lowly, offering the quilt made of her dad’s shirts.

“No way in hell…” Dominique shakes her head. “The dark is just… And the cold. And the...looming hunger…” she admits.

“Ooh,” Pearl winces. “I’m sorry about the looming hunger. I’m sure we could find you something else to eat. And we’ll keep you as warm as we can.”

“Thanks. What about you? Traumaversary feelings?”

“Yeah, basically. Because who doesn’t like to recall every moment being in the dark woods trapped with somebody who wants to kill you?” Pearl shares softly.

Dominique shudders.

“I’m sorry. Too much realness.” Pearl apologizes.

“No, I relate…” Dominique breathes. “I do. And if you need to share, I want you to be able to.”

“I do want to share...but not if it triggers you more,” Pearl admits. “And not if you have things you need to process.”

“Well...I hate cards…” Dominique shares, smiling a hollow smile. There was a lot of boredom...a lot of card playing...in those rooms. I didn’t know any of the games…” she shivers. 

“You don’t have to play,” Pearl reassures her seriously. “And Levi...he didn’t know. That’s not why he asked. Okay?”

“Right. I do know. But thanks.” Dominique nods.

\--

Fran gets up to go pee. 

She’s super glad her period is done. The only thing worse than having that for the first time would be having it in the blizzard.

It’s hard enough trying to do everything in the dark, since there’s no windows in the bathroom.

When she gets out, she stops by the kitchen and grabs another brownie bar.

“Fran?” Jesus asks. “You’re still hungry?”

“Eating makes me feel better,” she admits. “You guys say it’ll make me warm,” she points out.

“Yeah, it might. Come here,” he says and they stop by the closet.

He takes out her spring jacket and zips it on her.

“Why are you barefoot right now?” he asks.

“Socks are slippery,” Fran objects.

“Okay, but…” he holds each of her feet between his warm hands. “These babies are like ice blocks.” He holds onto them a while and then calls out to Pearl.

“Do you still have those really warm socks?”

“Yeah,” Pearl nods. She gets up and goes through her bag, taking out a pair of super thick purple socks. They have reindeer on them. They look like the warmest things ever.

“Can I put these on you?” Jesus asks.

“Sure,” Fran shivers.

Jesus pulls first one sock on, and then the other. They practically go up her whole leg. Then he pulls her pant legs down over them. “These have little skid-proof things on the bottom,” he tells her. “Do you think you can walk in them?”

Fran tests it out. “It’s still unsteady. But my legs feel like they’re getting hugged.”

“That’s good. We’ll make sure you have a hand...or a lift,” he says holding bear-hugging her. 

“Thanks. You wanna share this?” she asks, holding out her brownie bar.

“Nah. Have it all,” he says. “I pulled Spam double-duty tonight.”

They laugh as he hugs her.

And she starts to feel a little warmer.

\--

“Here,” Levi offers, sitting down beside Mariana.

She squints in the fading light and can see he’s brought her the giant bag of plantain chips.

“Aw,” she says, taking the bag and leaning into him.

“Here,” she says, offering him half the blanket she’s using.

“Aw,” he says, scooting close enough so she can wrap it around his shoulders.

“It still has Fran’s body heat in it,” Mari explains.

“Thanks, Fran, for your body heat,” Levi calls out.

“Thanks, Pearl, for your reindeer socks,” Fran says.

“No problem.” Pearl calls back.

“No problem, Levi,” Fran responds. “I have Jesus’s body heat to share now.”

“And I have...ours?” Levi asks, hesitant.

“You do have ours,” Mariana nods. “Were you okay? With the picture? Really?”

“I really was,” Levi nods. “I like things like this. Wait. That came out wrong. Just...whenever things went outside of plan? That’s when Dad, like...he just...tried to make me feel better the whole time. Made sure I was taken care of.”

“So,  _ you’re _ doing it,” Mari points out. “How did you know?” she asks, gesturing at the bag of plantain chips and offering him one.

“You said. This reminds you of being young. And you told Fran about growing up differently. With less,” Levi points out.

“You remember everything,” Mariana laughs a little.

“I remember important things,” Levi nods. “And everything you say is important.”

“I just… I wish we could eat something warm…” Mariana shivers.

“I know,” Levi sighs. “Hey, did everyone get water?” he calls out.

“No,” Fran shakes her head. “It’s too cold.”

“Except you need water to live, buddy.” Jesus tells her. “Let’s get you some.”

“Fine,” Fran grumbles.

Levi watches as Jesus asks if he can pick Fran up in her slippery reindeer socks. As she says yes.

“I wish the whole world was like our little corner of it,” Levi muses.

“Freezing cold and starving in the dark?” Mariana asks dryly.

“No. Caring about each other. Considering each other, and looking out for what we each need. If the world functioned like this? God, we’d all be so much safer…”

“That’s true...I guess…” Mariana settles closer to him, very nearly resting her head on his shoulder and hesitating.

Levi nods and pats it. “My shoulder’s your shoulder.”

“So, I have three shoulders now,” Mariana remarks, laying her head down.

“You have as many as you need,” Levi tells her, and pulls the blanket more tightly around them.


	88. Crash

“We need a way to signal if one of us needs anything,” Jesus decides. “We’re all in survival mode here. Or most of us. And we need to know it’s okay to let each other know...like, if we need stuff.”

“Why can’t we just tell you guys? Oh, because maybe everybody can’t always do that,” Francesca realizes, answering her own question.

“Right,” Jesus nods. “So. Mari? Levi? Any ideas?”

“Uh…” Levi says, nervous at being put on the spot. “Sorry. I really don’t know.”

Mariana clicks her flashlight on and off. “What about this? We all have one, and if we turn ours on and just set it so it shines straight up? Maybe that would work.”

“If it would work for you,” Pearl encourages. “That sounds great. But I am about to drop. It’s been a long day, and I didn’t get nearly enough sleep. Besides, if we turn in early, we have the chance to keep warm under all the blankets,” she says.

“This is true,” Dominique nods.

“Wait. Do I help you if you shine your light?” Fran asks Mari. “Or is it, like, too much twelve-year-old responsibility?”

“That’s a good point,” Dominique says. “Not that you’re too much, Mari.”

“No, I know what you guys mean,” Mari says.

“How about…” Jesus considers, thinking on his feet. “We make sure that you two always have food and water nearby. So, Mari and Fran, pick out some snacks to take with you and put in your bedside table drawer. You have the bathroom there. And plenty of blankets…”

“And if Mari needs anything bigger...or if I do? I can yell backup super loud…” Fran offers. “Can I?”

“Absolutely,” Jesus nods. “Good problem-solving, buddy.”

“Thank you, buddy.” Fran says gathering up a brownie bar and some soda crackers while Mari takes the two apples and some trail mix.

\--

When Mari and Fran get to their room, Mari uses her flashlight to make sure the food is in the bedside table drawer - except the apples won’t fit.

“Mari? It’s too cold to change out of my clothes…” Fran says, her teeth chattering. 

“No. then don’t. Come here and eat an apple. They won’t fit in the drawer,” she offers.

“I just brushed my teeth,” Fran says.

“Apples are good for you,” Mariana reassures her.

They cuddle in bed eating their apples. Then, Mari eats her trail mix too, so Fran eats her soda crackers and her brownie bar.

“I’m still cold…” Fran tells her.

“I know. Sleep close to me,” Mariana urges. “I’ll keep you warm.”

\--

Jesus and Levi settle into the unused bedroom.

The bed is tiny - tinier with Dudley wedged between them and Panther trying with all her might to make room for herself right next to Levi’s face.

“You’ve gotta go to the end of the bed,” Levi tells Panther. “It’s too small for you up here.”

Panther hangs her head, and lets out a forlorn little cry.

“I wish you could sleep up here, girl, but there’s just not room,” Levi shivers. “Are you sure you’re okay with the door closed?” he asks Jesus.

“Yeah, I think it’s good. We need to keep the heat in if we can…” Jesus manages.

“If it’s too...whatever...sharing like this?” Levi asks. “I can figure something out.”

“It’s fine, Levi. I’m fine.” Jesus reassures.

“I haven’t gone to bed this early in who knows how long…” Levi admits.

“Well, maybe it’s good,” Jesus offers yawning. “Maybe you’ll get some rest.”

“Maybe…” Levi says doubtfully, and sure enough, he’s awake staring at the ceiling while Jesus’s breathing goes deep and even.

Levi knows it’s gonna be a long night.

\--

“Are you gonna be okay?” Dominique asks Pearl warily as they each stand to one side of the bed.

“Are you?” Pearl asks.

“I think so. I’ve shared with Mari and Fran before. It’s been fine.” Dominique reasons.

They climb into bed and strangely enough, Dominique drifts off immediately but comes awake an hour later, realizing she didn’t let Roberta in with them. She also has to pee.

“You okay?” Pearl yawns.

Cleo snorts in the dark.

“Yeah, I just… I suck as a cat mom. I forgot Roberta...so that means she’s probably trying to eat all the Spam or something… but I have to pee.”

“It’s in a can, I think they’re cat-proof,” Pearl reassures as Dominique gets up and goes for the door, flashlight in hand.

She makes her way downstairs and toward the bathroom when she collides hard with a shape in the dark.

“Shit,” she gasps.

“Oh, my God, I’m so sorry…” Levi’s voice apologizes.

Dominique clutches her chest. “What the hell are you doing?”

“Reading. I couldn’t sleep, so I was up reading…” Levi gasps. “And then I heard a noise so I...I got up to make sure everything was… I’m really sorry.”

Dom has backed up several steps. She retreats to the bathroom, jumping a foot as Roberta’s yellow green eyes blink at her in the dark.

“What are you doing in here?” Dominique reprimands.

She can barely keep the flashlight steady as she does her thing. She lotions herself belatedly, shivering at her own cold hands. She can’t check on her incision or anywhere else on her to be sure she’s okay in this dark.

She’ll just have to hope to whatever is out there that she’s okay enough to survive this blizzard intact.

“Come on,” she urges Roberta. “We gotta go to bed.” Dominique bends to pick up the cat -- who somehow seems even heavier now -- but at least she’s warm. They go toward the stairs.

“Levi?” she calls.

“Yeah?” he asks, hesitant.

“You cool?” she checks.

“Yeah,” he says, but he sounds shaken. 

Her own heart rate hasn’t yet returned to normal, so she can relate.

“What are you reading?” she asks. “Harry Potter again?”

“Well, I didn’t ask Fran, and I think she has it in her stuff, so...I’m reading one of Frank’s Westerns…” (Somehow, Dominique can hear the disgusted face he makes.) “They’re all published in about 1903...and super racist…”

“Here,” Dominique says, going over and reaching into the couch cushion. She pulls out her battered copy of  Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone and tosses it to him.

“Whoa. This thing looks antique…” Levi says quietly.

“My dad’s copy. He bought it September 1, 1998 - the day it came out. I was born a month later. I’ve been listening to him read me this since I was in utero. So yes, it is a classic. I’m trusting you with it. Because, dear God, if you’re gonna be up in a damn blizzard, you’ve got to have some good reading material.”

“You just...take this around with you?” Levi asks, an edge of sadness, of wonder, in his voice. “Everywhere you go?”

“Almost…” Dominique allows.

“Thanks for trusting me with it. Want me to put it back in the secret hiding place when I’m done?” he asks, with a flicker of a smile.

“You could do that,” Dominique confirms. 

“I’ll scan for traffic next time,” Levi calls, apologetic.

“Same,” Dominique returns.

\--

Pearl waits, frozen, until Dominique slowly pushes open the door, arms full of Roberta.

“Are you okay?” Pearl manages.

“Fine,” Dominique nods. To Roberta, she adds, “You are gonna have manners, right? Do we have an understanding? No terrorizing Cleo?”

Roberta doesn’t respond.

It isn’t until Dominique is back in bed that she registers the state Pearl’s in, and vice versa.

“What’s up?” Dominique asks, noting Pearl shaking beside her. “If you’re really that cold, I’m sorry I left…”

“No, I just...I heard this noise and I just… I knew you probably needed me, but I just… I froze, I’m sorry, Dominique.”

Dominique lets out a breath. “I’m alright. Levi and I...we ran into each other...literally...he’s out there like...keeping watch and reading Westerns.”

“Why?” Pearl asks.

“I’d guess he can’t sleep…” Dominique ventures.

“He’s not the only one…” Pearl manages. “I do not want tomorrow to come. And yet, I totally do, because I’d really like heat, and light and for plows to come through here…”

“You know electricity doesn’t impact the plows, right?” Dominique asks. She gets comfortable under the covers. Roberta gets comfortable on her chest, purring. It’s the only thing that calms her racing heart down.

“You’re shaking,” Pearl points out. 

“Yeah, well, I just ran into a dude in the dark. The fact that it was Levi is secondary to my trauma. I gave him my dad’s original copy of Harry Potter to read, and he asked me if it was an antique…”

“Oh, God, he’s as bad as Francesca, commenting on how everything is ancient.”

“To her, it is,” Dominique remarks.

She yawns. Roberta’s tail thwaps against her, in predictable rhythm.

Cleo snores.

Pearl sniffs.

Slowly, Dominique reaches out her hand and Pearl finds it. Both their fingers are icy cold. But they hold on.

\--

It’s just after 3 AM when Levi decides to head to bed, giving up on attempts to blow through Harry Potter in one sitting.

He’s walking past the kitchen when a light catches his eye. He sees the shadow of the fridge door blocking the upper half of someone. Below that is a pair of legs.

Levi shines his flashlight, recognizing Jesus’s jeans.

“What’s up? Are you okay?” Levi asks.

Jesus stares straight ahead into the bare fridge. Slowly he turns toward Levi, blinking in the light. “What?”

“What are you doing out here?” Levi checks.

“I don’t… I don’t know…” Jesus manages, his voice heavy.

Dudley’s alerted at his side and nudging Jesus constantly. Whining.

Mariana’s words come back to Levi. How they went hungry as little kids. 

“There’s nothing,” Jesus admits in a hollow voice. “We’re already completely out of three things. Apples, bananas and the Hostess cupcakes…”

“Here,” Levi says, taking a can from their stash and opening it with a can opener. Chef Boyardee spaghetti and meatballs. It’s the only one of its kind, and Levi has no doubt Jesus can finish it on his own.

“Dude, no. That’ll be another thing gone…” Jesus worries. “I don’t wanna waste it.”

“It’s not a waste if you’re hungry now,” Levi reassures, offering him plastic silverware.

He stands by while Jesus eats, standing up, refrigerator door ajar. Like he’ll never see another meal.

“Better?” Levi asks.

“Sorta….” Jesus answers. “I used to do this at Stef and Lena’s. Like, when we first came. They’d find me downstairs just standing in front of the open fridge. It was a big problem for them. The wasting electricity. They thought I was sleep-walking, but I wasn’t… I was checking.”

“To be sure the food was still there?” Levi asks.

“At Ana’s...the fridge...it looked a lot like this one does now.” Jesus admits.

“I’m sorry,” Levi apologizes. 

Jesus just stands there, quiet. Dudley stands close.

“You get that you’re not at Ana’s now, right?” Levi asks, gentle.

“In my head, obviously. Not really emotionally…” Jesus admits. “I used to be...so freaked out… We’d starve and die. From like, baby-age on.”

“I promise… I’m not about to let anybody starve and die. Not on my watch. Let’s bring some food back with us. What do you like?” Levi asks.

And Jesus hesitantly takes the two boxes of Junior Mints and the two remaining premade peanut butter sandwiches from his drawer at their cabin next door.

When they’re finally back to the bedroom and the door is closed, Jesus eats both sandwiches and both boxes of candy. Then, he crawls into bed.

“I feel like a horrible person…” Jesus admits. “What I ate, that was enough for you and I to split, easy. And I just...took it all.”

“You’re not,” Levi pats his shoulder in the dark. “You’re a hungry person. That’s all. And that makes sense.”

“But I was hella selfish,” Jesus objects.

“You’re triggered. “We’re in a blizzard, and things are unsure. And scary,” Levi cautions.

“Dude, can we… Can we talk about something else?” Jesus asks.

“Dominique let me borrow her dad’s original copy of the first Harry Potter. I think it’s as old as you.”

“Thanks,” Jesus says dryly. He yawns. Waits a beat. “No, really. Thanks.”

“Anytime…” Levi says back and his eyes fall closed.


	89. Endurance

“Seriously, Lena, this blizzard has got to be over by now,” Stef remarks early Sunday morning. 

“It isn’t,” Lena says grimly. She points to the swath of white, purple and blue on a map of Minnesota. “I honestly hoped Mariana was joking when she said they’d be out of touch for a while…”

“Well,” Stef says crunching on granola. “She wasn’t kidding.”

“Do you think they’re okay?” Lena asks. “I feel horrible. We essentially sent them there, and now they’re stuck inside with no power?”

“Dad was well-equipped to wait out storms, love,” Stef reassures. “Eat something.”

“I can’t. What if they’re not eating? You know how Jesus gets about food. I can’t imagine this for him…”

“Well, we can’t do anything about it,” Stef says, matter of fact. “All we can do is trust that they’re okay. They’re in a group. They’re safer together. And they’ll ride this thing out and then have a story to tell at parties. How We Survived the Spring Blizzard of 2021.”

“2022,” Lena corrects ruefully.

“Great, I’m losing whole years. This bodes well for the future…” Stef comments sardonically.

“That’s a nice thought - for their sake - that they’ll talk about it as some kind of adventure...but I’d still feel better if we had any way of contacting them.” Lena maintains.

“We talked to Michael and Jaimie… Dominique made a similar call to them. Letting them know they were getting bad storms and they’d get in touch when they could. We just have to wait them out.”

“It just brings back all those old feelings…” Lena admits. “Not knowing where he was. How he was. If he was safe. Sleeping. Eating…”

“Like I said, it’s actually reassuring for me...knowing it’s not one of them out there alone. They’ve got each other, Lena. Jesus and Mariana… They can take care of themselves and Francesca. They’re not babies anymore. Even Francesca’s a preteen, God help us,” Stef tries to lighten the mood.

“But they’re  _ my _ babies,” Lena insists. “And they will always be my babies.”

“I know.” Stef nods. “But sitting glued to Minnesota radar is only going to make things worse for you...so...let’s go over to see B and Talya, huh? I can help Brandon paint the nursery and you...can nest…”

“Oh, I can nest with the best of them,” Lena smiles a little, brightening, finally.

“Let’s help the kids we can help, huh?” Stef asks.

“They’re not kids anymore,” Lena reminds, giving Stef a kiss.

“They’re  _ my _ kids,” Stef responds, kissing her back. “No matter how old they get.”

\--

The damn howling wind is so loud, it wakes Mariana out of a hard sleep. Even a pillow over her head doesn’t help. She doesn’t have to look out the window to know that the blizzard isn’t over.

She checks the little battery operated clock they found and sees that it’s after 10 AM. Plenty late enough to be moving around. Maybe to get some breakfast, even, but why move?

Mariana can tell from where she is, with just her head out of the blankets, breathing the air that it’s still cold as hell out there.

Moving closer to Francesca, she wraps an arm around her and tries to sleep more.

What else is there to do?

\--

Jesus wakes up pissed at everything.

The damn blizzard did not get the memo that there are six people trapped in a cabin who would really like to get to the damn grocery store, but literal buckets of snow keep falling on them. And the damn wind is bending the trees.

Mostly, though, he’s pissed at himself. He easily put away enough food last night that could’ve fed three people, if they stretched it. Instead, he just threw caution to the wind and let Levi convince him that being hungry was reason enough. Let his own brain convince him that this weather would blow over, and they would be able to get to the store ASAP.

But the storm isn’t stopping.

And there’s been nonstop tapping on the bathroom door forever. And Jesus can’t stop himself from holing up in here and seriously considering the idea of a shower. The only thing stopping him is the memory of the ice cold one he took here when he was sixteen.

He does not wanna relive that, and Dudley’s been trying to convince him it’s not the best idea.

Jesus stubs his toe on the door frame. “God damn it… There are, like, seventeen other bathrooms! Go use one of those!” he curses, yanking the door open. “What?” he snaps.

\--

Francesca’s face crumbles. “I can’t,” she says brokenly.

She really has to pee, and Mariana’s in the other bathroom. Plus, it’s freezing cold out here still and she’s really hungry. She just wants this whole thing to be done, and for Jesus to go back to being nice.

She’s stumbled back a little, crying into her hands. 

“Hey… Hey, buddy, I’m sorry,” Jesus says, softening. “I didn’t mean to do that. That wasn’t cool. Come in here, and do your thing.”

Jesus says taking Dudley out of there.

When she’s done, she peeks around the door and tries to walk so quietly in Pearl’s giant slipper socks. She goes to the window and looks out. 

“This is a terrible vacation,” she comments in a whisper.

“Want some Cookie Crisp?” Jesus offers. “There’s enough for a couple bowls.”

“Who needs bowls?” she asks, and takes the box, scooping out handfuls and eating them dry. Then she hands the box back to Jesus to make sure he gets some, since it was his idea to have it.

“I’m sorry for snapping at you,” Jesus apologizes. “I’m just...frustrated being cooped up here...but that wasn’t an excuse to yell at you.”

“I’m sorry for crying…” Fran says, knowing Jesus’s trauma doesn’t like it.

“Hey, no. Don’t apologize for your honest feelings. I’m okay. And you have a right to feel whatever you feel and express it in safe ways. Crying is a really safe way, so I’m proud of you,” Jesus says, as he stands there and finishes off the box.

“Not exactly safe. When you cry around Moms, it’s not safe….” Fran points out.

“No? I thought they were better about that…” Jesus ventures.

“I mean...they tolerate it,” Fran admits. “They don’t, like, hit me. But they just kinda sit there silently and watch me. And it’s awkward. It’s worse if they try to hug me or something. It just feels weird.”

“I get that,” Jesus nods.

\--

Pearl actually wakes up grateful for the distraction of a major weather event. It means her past and this date will just have to take a backseat to the more immediate situation.

She doesn’t really get dressed as much as she dons more layers. Then it’s off to the doggy litter box for Cleo who still thinks it is suspect, but eventually gives in and does her business.

“Hey, good morning,” Pearl calls softly. She comes into the kitchen. “How are you guys?”

“How are you?” Jesus returns. “It’s traumaversary, right?”

“It is. Strangely, big weather events are helpful, in that regard,” she says, opening the fridge on instinct and closing it again. Only the partial pitcher of Mariana’s cold brew coffee remains there. And even though they have no power, Pearl can’t help act as though there might be some cold air she wasted by opening the fridge.

“Did you guys get breakfast?” Pearl asks.

“Cookie Crisp,” Fran volunteers, “but I’m still hungry.”

“Same,” Jesus echoes.

“I wish we could have hot chocolate,” Fran laments. “Whenever this storm is over, can we have some?”

“I think that’s a great idea,” Pearl tells her.

Mariana walks out to the kitchen then. Wordlessly, she takes a blueberry bar and unwraps it. Then she goes to the fridge for coffee and pours a cup.

“May I have this?” Pearl asks, gesturing to the remaining blueberry bar.

Mariana nods. Then she offers Jesus and Fran her last two birthday cake flavored bars.

“Thanks!” Fran brightens.

“Yeah, thank you,” Jesus agrees.

\--

Dominique walks downstairs cautiously. Her head throbs where she ran into Levi. She walks into the kitchen seeing everyone eating protein bars, and Pearl and Mariana pouring bowls of Cheerios. Dominique does the same, and gets herself a lemon bar.

She feels only slightly better, having been able to check herself over in the daylight. Everything seems okay. But she’s still more shaken up than she wants to admit.

Add to that their dwindling supply of food -- it still looks like a lot -- but knowing how much they all need to eat in a day, and Dominique’s nervous. And cold. She doesn’t own any winter gear. She borrowed warmer socks and a winter hat from Pearl.

Bonus? The hat has a built in LED light. So, it’s like having a bonus flashlight.

“What are y’all talking about?” Dominique asks.

“How Moms hate crying,” Fran passes along, mouth full.

“They totally do,” Mariana confirms.

“They hate healthy expression of emotions...why doesn’t this surprise me?” Dominique comments dryly.

“They’re probably freaking out…” Jesus muses.

“No way,” Fran shakes her head. “They’re probably glad. That they have all this time without us. What do you think, Mari?”

“Probably both…” she allows. “They’re probably freaked for Jesus, but...secretly glad they don’t have to deal with us…” she says sipping her coffee.

“Are you gonna have enough of that to see you through? You know? However long this lasts?” Dominique asks, gesturing to Mari’s coffee.

“I’m rationing it,” Mariana comments seriously.

\--

Finally, Levi makes his way into the kitchen. It feels like it’s close to noon, but everybody’s still taking their time through eating breakfast. He’s got a hat and one of Dad’s shirts on. A red flannel button-down, because he ended up thin and was always cold.

The hat says HOME - but the O is in the shape of Alabama - where Dad was from.

Levi has no idea how Pearl managed to grab these clothes - maybe she was just going for the warmest things - but he’s not mad about it. He’s still feeling jarred from last night and a little on edge. Reading had helped some, but no one expects to collide full-force with somebody in the dark.

“I think Panther’s getting too cold…” Levi comments. “Anybody wanna do hide and seek again this morning?”

“I do!” Fran exclaims. “And I’ll hide better this time.”

“Here. Eat some breakfast,” Jesus says, nuding a bowl of dry Cheerios and some water toward him.

Mariana scoots the remaining protein bars over, too, urging him to pick one. Levi considers, and then goes with a chocolate mint.

“You look cozy,” Mariana observes.

“I am. This is Dad’s stuff,” he confides. “So, it’s warm, and really soft.”

“Nice,” Mariana comments, gently touching the sleeve of his shirt.

“Pearl, did you bring any yarn? You could make Panther more clothes to wear so she’s not cold,” Fran suggests.

Levi goes still. Just like that, the memory of Dad is there, clear as day, so upset about Panther being naked in their Christmas card.

It was what drove him to contact Pearl in the first place.

Pearl meets Levi’s eyes and he knows she’s thinking of it, too. “I packed her a sweater with a built in hat,” she tells Levi. “She shouldn’t be cold. Check the pockets of the bag.”

“Right,” he says, shaking his head.

“Are you okay?” Mariana asks.

“Not really,” Levi admits, quiet. “Is that okay?”

Mariana nods, and rests her head on Levi’s shoulder. “Me, neither.”’

Absently, he kisses the top of her head and then pulls back. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t ask. I should have.”

“It was nice,” Mariana reassures. “But you totally should have asked. Go play with Panther. She’s cold,” Mariana advises.

\--

This time, they’re better at hide and seek.

Mariana still counts, but she stays at the kitchen table, and hopefully out of the way of exuberant giant dogs.

Pearl and Levi have located Cleo and Panther’s hat / sweater combos and put them on, much to the dogs’ chagrin.

Levi stops by the door to get shoes, and then picks up Fran’s and brings them to her. “Here. You keep slipping in these,” he points to her long socks from Pearl, which keep drooping down her legs even though she’s wearing them over pants.

“But they’re slip-proof,” Fran objects.

“I think that only works if they fit you in the first place…” Levi remarks. “Need help?”

“My hands are cold,” she admits. “It’s hard to tie.”

Levi seamlessly helps Fran into shoes and ties them for her. “There you go. Now you’ll be safe running around.”

“Where should we hide this time?” Fran whispers. “I know! Maybe the shower!”

“Maybe not the shower…” Levi shakes his head. 

Fran sighs. “Um… What about our room? In the bed under the blankets?”

His eyes light up. “It’s so warm there…” he says.

“That’s the idea,” Fran nods, grinning.

“We’re ready,” Levi calls. “Pearl? Dom? Jesus? Are you playing?”

“We should,” Pearl decides. “They need exercise. And we could use the blood flow…”

“I’m counting,” Mari warns, “To twenty, so if you’re gonna hide…”

“Count sloth-speed!” Fran insists, giggling.

“One….two...three…” Mariana obliges, dragging out the numbers as long as possible.

When everybody else is hidden, she sends the pets to search for them.

Cleo finds Pearl crouched under a huge laundry hamper. Roberta finds Dominique under Mari and Fran’s bed. Dudley finds Jesus in the shower, the water off, thank goodness.

“Panther? Where’s Levi?” Mariana asks, saving him until last, since the game is Panther’s favorite. She looks so cute in her sweater.

Immediately, the dog bounds up, tail swishing as she cases the place. She puts her front paws on the couch and checks behind it. Behind every chair in the living room. All over the kitchen. She noses her way into bathrooms.

“Where is he?” Mariana asks.

Panther whines and looks to her for help.

“I don’t know,” Mariana says, holding up her hands.

The dog can’t be deterred. She even whines at both doors, but Mariana refuses to open them.

Finally, Levi calls out to her: “Panther?” he whistles a little. “Come find me!”

Panther goes from dejected to perking up and making her way straight to hers and Fran’s room.

Panther sniffs around.

“This mattress...looks really lumpy…” Mariana says, sitting down on a flat part -- she does not want to accidentally squash Francesca -- “Where are they?”

Panther sticks her face under the covers and Mariana hears peels of giggles from Levi and Fran.

“She’s attacking me with slobber!” Fran insists between giggles.

“Who’s a good girl? Huh? Who’s the best at hide and seek?” Levi asks rhetorically.

“She literally took the longest to find him,” Jesus points out.

“Hush, would you?” Pearl interjects.

“They’re having a moment,” Dominique adds, as they all watch from the bedroom doorway.

The covers are thrown back, and Mariana can see them, flushed and being covered in dog kisses.

It's exactly what they need to bring joy to their day.


	90. Stillness

After they tire out Panther with a few rounds of hide and seek, Levi keeps moving. It’s wired in him, imparted from Dad, this need to always be in motion when things are bad.

He checks the weather (out the window, because they still have no electricity) and the snow is still coming down heavy as ever. The wind is still howling through the trees.

It’s extra hard now, since everything in Levi’s body is warning him against being up and about so much. It’s exactly how he and Dominique collided last night. He needs to sit still.

Everybody’s fine. Pearl and Dominique and Fran are on the couch reading Harry Potter. Jesus and Mariana are at the kitchen table. And Levi keeps going back and forth, checking in with all of them.

“Dude, can you sit down?” Jesus asks, irritable. “You’re as bad as me with the pacing.”

“Don’t take it out on him,” Mariana objects. “Levi, you’re fine.” But he’s not.

He clicks his flashlight nervously. Off. On. Off.

\--

_ “Levi, find your seat,” his teacher says for the millionth time that day. _

_ He goes back to it. Sits down. Only to pop back up like a Jack in the Box, wound too tight. _

_ “Do you need help?” he asks every kid around him. His skin crawls. He has to make sure they don’t. That none of them need any help. _

_ But they always do.  _

_ “Yeah, how do you do this?” someone asks. _

_ “Okay,” Levi says, standing beside them. “This is how you do it. I’ll help you.” _

_ “Levi West,” his teacher says, louder this time. “This is your warning. I need you to find your seat and stay there. You need to do your own work.” _

_ “I did it,” he says. _

_ “I still need you to sit in your seat.” _

_ But Levi never wants to think about his seat ever again. His seat is the whole problem. _

_ He tries sitting with his legs tucked under him - on his knees - he’s higher this way. _

_ A pencil pokes him in the back. “Sit down. Hey, he’s not sitting on his seat!”  _

_ “Levi… I need your feet on the floor.” the teacher warns. _

_ But his feet just  _ were _ on the floor. And that was wrong. He wasn’t allowed to be up. But now he’s seated wrong, too. _

_ He can’t do what she wants, and soon he’s back up, checking on everybody else. Again. _

_ “Levi, I need you to go sit in the hall, please. I’ll be out to talk to you in a minute.” _

_ So, he walks out the door. And he tries to sit on the floor in the hall, but he can’t manage it. _

_ Before he knows it, he’s up walking, all around the halls. Pretty soon a teacher catches him at it. “Where are you supposed to be?” _

_ Levi shrugs.  _

_ He’s sent to the office. _

_ Dad comes. _

_ He’s quiet in the car on the way home. _

_ “What’s happening with you, Levi? Can you explain it to Daddy?” Dad asks. _

_ Levi shrugs. “Just trying to help. But she doesn’t want me to. And she doesn’t like anything I do…” _

_ “Is it work-alone work, or work-with-a-friend work?” Dad asks. _

_ “It’s I-already-got-done-with-my-work,” Levi fills in. _

_ “So… You were bored?” Dad guesses. _

_ Levi shrugs. _

_ “Well, you need to figure out something quiet to do in that case, son. And when your teacher sends you to the hall, you need to go.” _

_ “I did,” Levi objects. _

_ “And wait there,” Dad adds. _

_ “I hate waiting,” Levi shares darkly. _

_ \-- _

_ That night at the dinner table, he can’t stay sitting either. _

_ “Son, what’s going on?” Mom tries. _

_ “Nothing,” Levi says. _

_ Mom still has bruises fading on her skin. But not fast enough. Her voice is weak. Her sadness, though, is strong. He can’t tell what’s really going on. Or she might die, just like Grandma Major did. _

_ Mom and Dad try to be nice about it. They think Levi’s just sad about Grandma, and it’s coming out in weird ways. It’s kind of true. So every night, they try to get him to sit down. _

_ Finally, Dad just says. “Chair’s optional. How’s that?” _

_ Levi blinks. “For real?” _

_ “Of course, for real. We’ll keep it here for you, and you can sit down and eat if your legs get tired from all the standing. But try and eat, will you?” _

_ “Yes,” Levi says, and he does try.  _

_ The only thing he wants to eat is dessert, but when dessert comes, it makes him mad.  _

_ “Grandma Major’s recipe. Chocolate chip cookies. Homemade. There’s half a bottle of vanilla in these,” Mom says, smiling. “Have one, Levi,” she urges, offering him the plate. _

_ “No!” he yells, and just like that he’s up and moving again, and he can’t stop. _

_ \-- _

_ It doesn’t get bad until church on Sunday. _

_ He can hardly last sitting in grown people’s church. He’s okay for the singing, but the minute they have to sit, he’s having trouble and keeps bopping up and down. _

_ “Got ants in your pants?” Dad asks. _

_ And maybe that’s the problem. He nods. _

_ “You can walk around in a bit. Just hold your horses,” he says. _

_ He barely makes it to Sunday school. He has to stop at the bathroom first. It’s still a relief when he checks and there’s no blood - there never was - but it hurt bad enough that he thought there might be. He loses time, though, and ends up late going downstairs where the kids meet. _

_ It’s Mother’s Day, and he can’t stop thinking about her, and what she did. They do a Sunday School lesson about Naomi and Ruth.  _

_ “Naomi wasn’t Ruth’s real mom, but Ruth loved her very much…” _

_ (Carla wasn’t Levi’s real mom...was he supposed to love her?) He squirms in his chair. _

_ “God wants us to love our moms…” _

_ (But what if they hurt you?) _

_ “Moms do a lot for us, and they deserve as much thanks and love as we can give… Think of everything they do…” _

_ (Levi thinks of mud, tracked in everywhere. Of clothes she had to wash. Of her yelling and swearing.  _

_ Did that mean she got to hurt him?) _

_ Levi stands up to walk around the room. He goes to the toys in one corner and begins to play loudly, crashing cars together. _

_ “Levi, come and sit down please….” _

_ He makes a bunch of driving and crashing sound effects. So many. So loud he can’t hear her. He drives the cars everywhere. _

_ “One...two...three…” the teacher counts. _

_ Levi ignores her. _

_ Then, his parents are there. _

_ He drives his vehicles all over Dad. _

_ “Son, I am not very happy with you…” he says and Levi bursts into tears. _

_ \-- _

“Stop,” Fran complains, and Levi realizes he’s been clicking his light on and off. 

The memories came in quick succession. One after another after another. Of times he felt like this. He hadn’t had words for it then. Didn’t know what was happening, just that his body suddenly wouldn’t obey his mind, so he looked constantly willfully disobedient.

“Sorry,” Levi apologizes.

He’s got to leave the flashlight on, but his hand has a mind of its own and keeps compulsively clicking it. Off. On. Off.

“Are you okay?” Mariana asks.

“I am. Are you? Do you, like, need anything?” he asks, feeling like this is so necessary right now. He needs to be sure everyone around him is okay and safe. 

It’s just how he’d felt at eight. That need to be there for his peers, because now he knew that kids could be in trouble. And maybe nobody asked them about it, so Levi always made sure to ask. (He always hoped to  _ be _ asked.)

“Come here,” Mariana says, and leads him to hers and Fran’s room. They sit together - for about half a second - until he’s up again. Moving.

“Are you good?” he asks. “Do you need anything?”

“I need to check in with you,” she says plainly. “You seem freaked out. Are you?”

“I just...need to… I mean, I’m not sure what’s going on. I always wanna be sure y’all are okay just...ever since last night...it’s...been worse...and now I...can’t fight it.”

“What do you need to fight?” Mariana asks.

“I just...need to move all the time.” Levi admits.

“What happened last night?” Mariana asks.

“I collided with Dom. In the middle of the night, and it...was jarring..and my...trauma...it’s… When it was first happening? Going to happen? It made me remember...that she slammed me against the wall...to like make me stay where she wanted? Before she hurt me?”

“So slamming into Dom made you remember...Carla...slamming you?” Mariana realizes.

“Kind of?” he asks.

“And it just...I keep remembering the months after it. How I could never sit still...I’d get in so much trouble. Like until I cried. But I could never correct it. Dissociating was the only way I could manage to sit still...so…”

“So...you don’t wanna dissociate?” Mariana asks.

“I don’t.... I feel like it  _ just _ happened...in my body...and it used to be like...intolerable to sit. Because of just...constant memories of it...that I could feel.”

“Are you tired?” Mariana asks. “Like...do you  _ want _ to rest?”

“So much,” Levi admits. “I just can’t…”

“There’s more than one way…” Mariana tells him. “Lie down if you want,” she encourages. “You can keep your back to the wall.”

Levi tries it, propping his head in one hand. He pulls blankets over himself. “Jesus is pissed at me…” 

“He’s pissed at everyone. Sorry, I didn’t mean it like that just… He’s irritable. Because of what’s going on. He’ll be better once this all blows over...but...I’m sorry he snapped at you. Is it helping?” she asks.

“It is,” Levi says, taking a deep breath.

“Can I join you? Like, on top of the covers?” Mariana asks.

“Please,” he invites.

“This is like a book…” Mariana ventures. “Like imagine… What it would be called… What do you think?”

“ Love in a Blizzard ,” Levi fills in.

“Okay,” she smiles appreciatively. “You are way too good at this.”

“Thank you,” Levi grins, feeling able to breathe - really breathe - for the first time in hours.

“So...can I get some love in a blizzard, or what?” Mariana asks, tapping her cheek. “I mean, if it’s okay.”

He leans in and kisses her gently. “Always. I mean… Maybe not always a kiss? But the love part...I’ll always love you, Mari.”

She blushes, looking away. “Same,” she says.

“Thank you,” he says again. “For noticing. For knowing...you know...that I wasn’t… That it wasn’t just me trying to be annoying.”

“Behavior is communication,” Mariana says.

“Can I have a hug?” he asks, sitting up. “Is that okay?”

Mariana opens her arms and takes him in, holding tight.

“It’s me,” she whispers. “It’s Mari. And you don’t have to hold still...unless you want to… Unless it feels safe.”

Levi relaxes in her embrace. “It does,” he manages. “It does now.”

  
  



	91. Emptiness

Reading aloud to Fran with Pearl only helps so much. Dominique’s distracted as Levi walks through clicking his flashlight nonstop and then disappears somewhere.

Her own head aches, still. Her body feels oddly stiff since running into Levi last night. But it seems wasteful to even consider taking a painkiller for it, when they’re trying to stretch the resources they’ve got.

She can deal with this. She’s dealt with a hell of a lot more, and at so much younger. Dominique can take a little pain.

If she doesn’t think about it, it will go away.

But then Dominique’s attention starts to drift, and the world of Harry Potter melts away and she finds her mind drifting toward another time, another headache. Another time every inch of her body hurt.

And just like that, she wishes she could forget.

\--

_ Dominique had just screamed her entire head off, just the way Mom and Dad taught her.  _

_ She said “Stranger!” and kicked and fought. She even tried biting, but it didn’t help.  _

_ The man just threw her in a van when he got her around to a side where nobody was watching. _

_ Her head throbs. Her body aches. _

_ There’s a few drops of blood on her school tee shirt. She didn’t even make it to practice today. Her coach is gonna bench her. But pretty soon, Dominique’s more worried about other things than missing cheering. _

_ Her head doesn’t stop hurting. _

_ She’s not allowed to look out the window, but she tries to memorize turns. She does, until there are just too many.  _

_ She feels dizzy. Like she might throw up. She doesn’t get nervous, but she’s nervous right now. For what might happen. For what is happening. Right this minute. _

_ It’s just like what happened to Jesus Foster. _

_ Being smart hadn’t protected her after all. _

_ Dominique blinks back tears. _

_ \-- _

_ Before she knows it, she’s being asked to change clothes into something that looks too small and not her style at all. When she comments about it, Brittany, who Dom thought was her friend, hits her. _

_ So Dominique goes along with her. Even though her body feels stiff and hard to move. All the movements make pain spark, like she just did a really tough workout. _

_ But really, she didn’t even practice. _

_ Are her parents looking for her? _

_ Or are they too mad she missed practice? _

\--

She keeps losing her place.

Fran’s getting annoyed.

Dominique has let Fran convince her to start reading Dom’s own copy of  The Prisoner of Azkaban . Fran is obsessed with the idea of needing chocolate when she’s tired and cold, from the plot point in the book with the Dementors. That child is almost never without a Z bar. 

Dominique’s not looking forward to having to tell her they’re out, and that moment is definitely coming soon, what with how often she’s eating them.

There are two left. 

Damn it, she hates when food runs out.

Soon, she’s gonna have to content herself with Mari’s chocolate mint or chocolate peanut butter bars.

Hunger gnaws at her.

Her stomach growls.

She tries to check out. Just go somewhere else...but it’s not anywhere she wants to be…

\--

_ The first time (or the second or the fifth), Dominique gets in trouble. _

_ She did something wrong. Real wrong, too, because she got beaten up real bad. It’s not until after that she learned to never smile at anybody. Especially not other dudes because that was definitely the wrong thing to do. _

_ She’s been alone for what feels like hundreds of hours. _

_ Then, Brittany comes in. She’s got onion rings and a strawberry sundae from Dairy Queen. _

_ “This is for you...if you can do it right this time…” she says in a voice Dominique can’t read. _

_ So, Dominique does all the things she’s been taught - with Brittany - and then, just like she says… Dominique gets the food. _

_ The salty onion rings hurt her mouth, but the ice cream soothes it. _

_ Brittany probably knew that. _

_ (Maybe they still are friends, after all?) _

\--

“Dominique?” Fran asks.

“What?” Dom asks.

“You stopped,” Francesca points out. “You keep stopping. Here, give it to Pearl.”

“Pearl doesn’t know the first thing about what’s going on. What kind of universe is this?” Pearl asks.

“Harry Potter,” Fran says plainly. “Just go with it.”

Pearl takes over, hesitantly, and Dominique feels an emptiness well up inside her.

Dominique smiles, even though she doesn’t feel like it. She knows just how to get through moments like this.

\--

_ It’s been over a year since Dominique’s been back. _

_ But in a lot of ways, it feels like she never came back at all. _

_ She tries to take food out of the cafeteria at lunch, and the lunch ladies always catch her and make her trash it before she leaves. _

_ Dominique knows the drill. But she’d rather eat her food than throw it away, so she goes back to the table to sit down. She sees a knife because it’s enchilada day, and picks it up. _

_ She finishes the enchilada in record time and then goes to work. _

_ In what feels like a second, she blinks. _

_ “What do you think you’re doing? Drop that!” _

_ A hand clamps down on her shoulder. _

_ “Defacing school property?” A tongue clicks. “I’m surprised at you. You were such a good girl.” _

_ They walk away from the table, where Dom’s carved the numbers 1031998 - her birthday. _

_ “Come on. Time to go see the principal, I’m afraid.” _

_ Dominique’s afraid, too. A lot of the dudes were just like that. Professional. White. They dressed up. Wore ties. Sometimes used them on her. For reasons. _

_ She makes herself leave this place before she ever steps foot in the office. _

_ She blinks her eyes, and she’s home in her room. Mom is here, talking to her.  _

_ “What happened at school? Can you tell Mommy? You wanted the enchilada?” _

_ “It’s no big deal…” Dominique says. “I learned my lesson. I won’t do it again.” _

_ “I think we both know it might happen again. It’s  _ been _ happening. At lunch, right? And that’s when you carve your birthday into things?” _

_ Dominique shrugs. “I guess.” _

_ “Why?” Mom asks. “Can you tell me?” _

_ “I don’t do it on purpose. It just happens.” Dominique insists. _

_ “What do you feel when it happens?” Mom asks. _

_ Dominique stares, uncomprehending. “I just wanted the enchilada. For later. That’s all.” _

_ “You want food you can take with you?” Mom asks. _

_ Dominique doesn’t move. Finally, she says, “It’s not allowed.” _

_ “It  _ is _ allowed,” Mom insists. “I can make sure you go to school with food you can have on you. I’ll make sure no one hassles you.” _

_ “You can’t guarantee that,” Dominique pushes back. _

_ “No, but I can damn well try,” Mom says. _

_ A flicker of a smile crosses Dominique’s face. _

\--

That old emptiness eats at Dominique. 

She’s hungry. And she just lost something that was hers. Just like back in the day when she lost her cheering warmups. Her name. Her enchilada…

Dominique’s light is on by her side.

Not facing up. So it’s doubtful that anybody will notice it.

“Fran? Can you give us a minute?” Pearl asks.

“Yeah, I have to go to the bathroom,” she says. “It’s like, all the time now, since I’m so cold…”

“Use some hand sanitizer,” Pearl advises.

“I will,” Fran agrees. “Cotton candy.”

“Good choice,” Pearl responds and then turns to Dominique. “Are you okay?”

“No...I…” Dominique shakes her head. “Fran, she...took my book…”

Pearl glances beside them. Picks it up and hands it back to Dominique. “I’m sorry, I didn’t catch her at that, and tell her to ask you first. That was rude.”

“Just...it brings up all these feelings...and I...feel so stupid because it’s like...I  _ know _ …”

“What feelings?” Pearl asks.

“I know it’s pointless. I know all about what used to happen…” Dominique manages.

“What used to happen?” Pearl asks.

“I’d get in trouble for defacing property…” Dominique admits. “Get sent to the principal.”

“Well, that sounds like a cry for help,” Pearl surmises. “Was it?”

“Yeah,” Dominique nods, wiping her eyes.

“Sounded like you needed something? What was it?” Pearl asks, gentle.

“Maybe Tylenol...but they didn’t let us access anything that resembled drugs...only if they gave them to us. Plus...maybe food…? But I only got that if I was good, and obviously I messed up reading that book, so…” Dominique shrugs.

“Here. Come with me,” Pearl invites. She walks Dominique upstairs, to her bags and her own purse. She unsnaps it and reaches in for a bottle of Tylenol. “It’s nearly full. You hold onto this. And you use it as needed, alright?”

“Thank you,” Dominique says, clutching the bottle.

“You can take some,” Pearl urges. “Let’s get some water...and then we’ll find… What do you want to eat?” she asks as they head back downstairs.

“Onion rings…” Dominique shares. “And a strawberry sundae… An enchilada…” 

“Those do sound good,” Pearl all but moans. “I’m trying to think of what we have here that’s filling...maybe a PB and J?”

“Maybe…” Dominique allows.

“The jelly’s strawberry,” Pearl points out, gentle.

“Well, in that case…” Dominique grins. 

She’s shocked as Pearl sets to work making her a sandwich right then. And then a second, for herself.

“I’m hungry, too,” Pearl confides. “I hadn’t realized until you said something. So, thanks.”

“I also can never read that book without craving chocolate. I know Fran is all about those Z bars, but I’d love one.”

“Well I think that’s fair,” Pearl says. “We’ll leave the last one for her. I’ll eat a few graham crackers instead.”

“Thank you…” Dominique breathes, biting into the sandwich and breathing a sigh of relief. “No one notices I’m hungry…” she admits.

“Well, you signaled. Maybe now, you can feel more confident that when you need us, we’ll be there for you.”

“I didn’t resort to carving into furniture…” Dominique allows, finishing off the sandwich.

“That is very good news,” Pearl smiles kindly. “I’m happy for you. I know how hard it is to reach out.”

“Easier now,” Dominique admits. “Sort of.”

“We’ll take that,” Pearl nods, satisfied. “A little easier is good.”

“It is,” Dominique nods.


	92. Normalcy

Jesus is getting seriously concerned about their food situation. It’s like, every time he looks at it, there’s less. Like, there’s no more jelly. There’s almost no peanut butter. There’s no more bread. He swears there just was some.

He really needs them all to stop eating as if they have an unlimited supply of food. But he also knows that yelling at them like some bossy as hell lunch lady isn’t gonna help.

Without really checking with anybody, Jesus gets lunch prep started. It’s the same as yesterday, largely. Refried beans on tortillas. Their last can of corn split six ways. And everybody gets a package of fruit snacks for dessert.

They eat in silence.

And just like that, noise fills his head.

\--

_ “Hey, hey, hey!” Stef calls out, loud and sudden.  _

_ They’re eating dinner. Jesus has been home for almost seven months. They’ve lived as a family of eight for half that time. The loudness is something Jesus will have to get used to, but might never.  _

_ He needs headphones, but he keeps somehow getting food on them. Plus Brandon says he looks like an air-traffic controller.  _

_ Jesus has no idea what that is, but he knows it isn’t good. _

_ So he leaves them off. _

_ “So, my babies, what do you want to do for your birthday? You still haven’t said,” Stef presses. _

_ Jesus tenses. They know the answer to this. Why do they keep asking? _

_ Mariana looks at him. “I would say I want a party...but Mom and Jenna’s party didn’t go too well…” she admits. _

_ It was hell. All the decorations. The loudness. The adults all around. The expectation to just exist in the yard and keep it together while they waited to eat cake. _

_ Jesus had kept disappearing without even meaning to. He’d blink and find himself by the back corner of the fence. Hands in the dirt. _

_ Lena kept getting mad that he was getting dirty and then trying to eat cake. _

_ “Jesus?” Stef asks. “What do you think?” _

_ “What?” he asks. _

_ “He’s so out of it…” Brandon remarks. _

_ “He can  _ hear you _ ,” Mariana snaps.  _

_ “What do you wanna do for our birthday?” Mariana asks. _

_ “It’s not.” Jesus insists. _

_ “It’s not? Not what?” Callie wonders. _

_ Jesus ignores her. He doesn’t know her. Doesn’t feel comfortable talking to her. _

_ “My birthday’s in March,” he says, stabbing a tiny potato with his fork and eating it. _

_ “You’re twins,” Jude points out helpfully. “That means you have the same birthday as each other.” _

_ “I don’t,” Jesus grinds out.  _

_ March 5th had come and gone already. And no one had done anything.  _

_ “What did you used to do? On your birthday?” Callie asks. _

_ “Callie, let’s not antagonize the situation…” Lena advises, but Jesus jumps at the chance to share. _

_ “Go to a movie,” he says. _

_ “Do you wanna do that?” Mariana asks, skeptical. _

_ “No, I told you. My birthday’s in March. You guys missed it,” Jesus says flatly. _

_ “You can’t have two birthdays,” Jude objects. _

_ (Jesus can feel his skin tighten.) _

_ “He can’t have two birthdays, can he?” Jude asks Stef and Lena. _

_ “I don’t have two birthdays. I have one birthday,” Jesus says very quietly. _

_ “But, like… What would you want? If we were gonna get you a present and you got to pick it out, what would you want it to be?” Callie asks. _

_ “Hostess cupcakes. The chocolate ones with the white swirl on top,” Jesus says. _

_ “Cake!” Frankie shrieks. “Mama, cake, okay?” she’s nodding her head a bunch and smiling. _

_ “I’d appreciate it if we didn’t use the C-word in front of the baby,” she cautions. _

_ “I NOT A BABY!” Frankie pouts. _

_ “That’s right. Mama just forgot,” Mariana soothes. “Frankie’s a big girl now, Mama.” _

_ “Sorry,” Jesus apologizes. _

_ “I don’t think C-A-K-E is a good option as a gift. But would you like something else?” Lena asks. _

_ Jesus thinks hard, to the last time he felt really safe. He and Mari had been about Frankie’s age. Maybe bigger. And they ate these packaged sandwiches with no crusts. PB and J. _

_ “Uncrustables!” Jesus calls out, the name coming to him, finally. _

_ “What?” Stef laughs. _

_ “That’s what I want,” Jesus insists. “For my present.” _

_ “That’s all you want?” Callie asks. “You can have more than one present, you know?” _

_ (Not without going into present-debt. One is safe…) _

_ “Buddy, I don’t know… Food like that… It’s not very nutritious…” Lena cautions. “And we’re still trying to get your weight up.” _

_ “I’ll eat,” Jesus insists, shoveling more food in. _

_ “Let’s keep thinking, okay?” Lena sighs. “We’ll make sure to get you a really good present.” _

\--

“The jelly’s gone,” he points out lowly to Mariana.

“I know,” she nods. “It’s fine, Jesus.”

“It’s not fine. There’s only peanut butter left. And no bread,” he manages.

“No fair!” Fran exclaims. “There’s only one of my Z-bars left!”

“Francesca? Those weren’t all yours, buddy,” Jesus reminds her. “We were all sharing them.”

“But I  _ need _ them!” she insists, sounding close to tears. “For when the cold sucks my soul out like a Dementor! And now there’s only one left, and that’s rude…”

\--

_ May 17th comes. It’s a Thursday. Jesus knew it would be, May 10th was also a Thursday - that was Isaac’s birthday. It came and went, too. Nobody even asked him about it. _

_ Nobody ever asked him about his life There. Except Callie sometimes. _

_ That night, Moms surprise Jesus and Mariana with enchiladas at dinner and cupcakes for dessert. Vanilla cupcakes frosted in pink make up the 1 and chocolate cupcakes frosted in chocolate make up the 4. Together, they say 14. _

_ Mariana tries to look happy. So does Jesus. But they both recognize the plastic grocery store box. _

_ Jesus bites into a chocolate cupcake and there is no cream filling. No white swirl on top. The frosting is too twisty, like an ice cream cone. _

_ Neither one of them likes enchiladas. But they eat them anyway, and act happy. _

_ There aren’t any presents. _

_ Instead, Moms urge them to the car and tell them to close their eyes. Jesus clutches Mariana’s hand, while his heart pounds inside of him. The last time he closed his eyes in a car, he didn’t see his family again for almost five whole years... _

_ He can hear Jude, Callie and Brandon talking excitedly. (Frankie is at home with Grams. Jesus wishes he could have stayed home.) _

_ “Surprise!” Lena says. “Open your eyes!” _

_ Hesitantly, Jesus does.  _

_ They’re in front of a movie theater. _

_ “No way! Are we seeing The Hunger Games again?” Mariana asks, excited. “We saw it on opening night, remember?” she asks him. “But you didn’t wanna come, because it was too late. Now you can see it!” _

_ Moms have them get out and stand in front of a massive sign for the movie. So Moms can take their picture. They smile. _

_ At the snack counter, Jesus is blindsided by memories of Mrs. Smith. The smell of popcorn reminding him of her that day in the fifth grade when they all saw High School Musical 3.  _

_ They sit in the dark, and eat popcorn. The movie opens with Prim waking up screaming in a nightmare. _

_ By the time she has a panic attack getting something shot into her arm, Jesus is having one, too. _

_ He can’t breathe. _

_ He needs to leave. _

_ So, Stef drives him home. _

_ And Lena stays behind with the other kids. _

_ All his popcorn is left behind. He barely got to eat any of it. _

_ \-- _

Jesus flips his flashlight on, aimed at the ceiling.

His breaths are kinda shallow. He must’ve eaten his tortilla and corn and fruit snacks already.

There’s nothing but an empty plate in front of him.

“Hey. You okay?” Levi asks.

“All the food… It keeps disappearing…” he manages.

“Oh…” Levi realizes. “You want some of my Spam? To hold onto? It’s protein...and I really don’t think we’ll be going through all of it. Here,” he goes to the pile of food. “You can have these two cans.”

“How come you get to claim that, but I don’t get to claim the Z-bars?” Fran pouts.

“Because, it’s basic needs,” Jesus says.

“My coldness  _ is  _ a basic need!” Fran insists.

“There are other ways to deal with cold, buddy,” Jesus reasons, clutching his Spam. “Blankets, layers, cuddling for body heat. “There aren’t other ways to deal with food insecurity.”

“This is definitely  _ my _ Z-bar, though!” Fran calls out loudly. She finds a Sharpie and writes her name on it, just in case there is any doubt.

**_FRAN_** is now visible from a million miles away.

_ \-- _

_ When Stef gets home with Jesus, Frankie’s already asleep. The car ride was quiet, and Jesus made sure to stay awake the entire time. _

_ He goes into his room and flips on the light. He immediately sees something on his beanbag chair. _

_ He walks closer to inspect it, and his heart lifts.  _

_ Jesus clutches it and waits until all his siblings come back. Then he waits at the doorway of his room and waves Mariana in. _

_ “You found it?” he asks, incredulous. _

_ “It’s the only thing you said you wanted, Jesus. I could get these in the house one at a time. I tried to get your cupcakes but they came in a whole box, and I was sure Moms would notice if I tried hiding that.” _

_ He studies his grape Uncrustable. One she labeled with his name:  _ **_JESUS_ ** **_._ **

_ “Did you get one?” he asks, quiet. _

_ She takes a strawberry jelly Uncrustable out of her purse. “Of course.” _

_ They sit far out of the way of the door, It’s almost midnight, but they eat their sandwiches anyway, together. _

_ “Wait.” Jesus objects, trying to make the sandwich last. “I didn’t get you anything.” _

_ “You got home,” Mariana tells him, taking a bite of her own. “That’s everything I wanted.” _

\--

“It’s so chaotic, and I can’t control a damn thing…” Jesus admits. “I hate it. Just like our birthday.”

“Last year?” Levi asks.

“No. My first one after I came home? All I wanted was Hostess cupcakes and…” he trails off before he can accidentally reveal the Uncrustable secret. “They wouldn’t get them because… I don’t know. It was too processed or something? And now, we’re out of those. And we don’t have bread, or peanut butter, or jelly…”

“I’m sorry…” Levi says, and Jesus can tell he means it. “I’ll get you all that stuff as soon as the weather clears. I promise.”

“Yeah, but when? And will we be okay ‘til then?” Jesus asks, lowly.

“Yes,” Levi answers firmly. “I’ll make sure we are. You’re my family.”

“And family takes care of family,” Fran pipes up from across the cabin.

“But not in a weird obligationy way, right?” Jesus checks.

“No, because I care about you, I wanna take care of this for you,” Levi clarifies.

“Thanks. And thanks for seeing my light,” Jesus nods.

“Always,” Levi nods.


	93. Freezing

Francesca doesn’t trust the rest of the Avoiders right now. That’s why she takes the last Z-bar, labeled with her name, and tucks it into her Franny pack for safekeeping.

Don’t they care about basic needs at all?

They say they do, but it sounds like Jesus is saying that his basic needs matter more than hers. That all of them sharing her very own Z-bars that she claimed for body heat matters more than Fran being able to stay warm in this Dementorish cold.

The wind is still howling. Snow is still falling so much that Fran can barely see. 

She doesn’t even want to play hide and seek with Panther after lunch.

Fran just wants to go to bed.

It’s warm there, and she’s so tired.

“Bye, guys,” she says. “Don’t come and hide in the bedroom,” she warns.

“You okay?” Mariana asks.

“Yeah, I’m just gonna get warm in there,” Fran says, half-lying. Because she’s not okay, but she is gonna get warm (hopefully.)

Fran gets into bed and crawls under the covers. 

It’s no use and she keeps shivering. The bed is full of giant cold spots because Mari isn’t here to warm it up.

It makes her think back, even though she doesn’t want to…

\--

_ She’s nine. _

_ Francesca knows that Mariana wouldn’t really be in their room now, anyways. She’d be away at college. _

_ Callie’s home, but she’s not sleeping in her own bed yet. Even though Fran had begged and pleaded when Callie said, “Go to bed.” _

_ “I will, but you come, too.” _

_ “I will later.” _

_ “Why not now?” _

_ “Because I’m not tired yet.” _

_ “But you  _ need _ your sleep!” _

_ It was no use. _

_ So their room is just huge and empty. _

_ Francesca crawls into Mariana’s bed and under her blankets trying to feel close to her sister. She reminds herself that Mari did wake up. And that’s good news. It means she’ll be okay, probably. _

_ But Fran feels super lonely. _

_ She’s never slept by herself before. _

_ It takes a long time for her to fall asleep. _

\--

Francesca had almost forgotten those days and weeks and months.

This feels like that.

She shivers again. Her brain skips back, like a Netflix show rewinding:

\--

_ Frankie’s six. _

_ It’s Callie’s birthday. She’s 19 today, like Brandon is already. For Callie’s birthday, they all go out on a big fancy boat with a man named Mr. Quinn. _

_ Frankie doesn’t like the boat much. It’s too fast and makes her nervous. _

_ The bumps made her drop her ice cream in the water. She doesn’t tell anyone, but she feels like crying. _

_ When they’re back on sand, she feels much safer. She hates being on trips without Jesus or Mari, but Jesus hates swimming a lot. And Mari had to work. _

_ So, now it’s just Frankie, plus Moms, plus Callie, plus Jude, plus Brandon, plus Mr. Quinn, plus a girl named Sophia. All Callie’s attention is on Mr. Quinn. _

_ One time, Frankie tries to get Callie’s attention and it turns out to be Sophia instead. Everybody laughs. Frankie feels so embarrassed. _

_ “They do look alike, don’t they?” Mr. Quinn says, happily. _

_ “We’re like twins,” Sophia says and Jude looks grouchy. _

_ Frankie never knew Callie had a twin. She wants to say that Jesus and Mariana are twins, but Moms said to leave Jesus out of this because privacy. _

_ “Look, this is my mom,” Callie says, showing off a picture. Frankie looks at it, and then at Mom. The hair doesn’t match. The face doesn’t match. _

_ “Nah-uh,” Frankie says. “Mom, that’s not you, right?” _

_ “She means her bio mom. Her tummy mommy,” Mama explains. _

_ Mom looks not happy. _

_ “Where’s the bio dad?” Fran asks. _

_ “Right here, silly,” Callie says, pointing to Mr. Quinn.  _

_ “ _ I _ have a bio dad,” Frankie offers. _

_ “Frankie, not right now. This is Callie’s time,” Mama hushes. _

_ Later Frankie’s playing in the sand when Brandon picks her up out of nowhere and brings her to the water. _

_ Frankie doesn’t know what to do, so she kind of laughs. _

_ Jude is chasing Brandon with a water gun and spraying him. Brandon holds Frankie out in front of him. Cold water zaps her all over. _

_ “Human shield!” Brandon yells. “Bad form! I have a human shield! Don’t squirt, Frankie, man! That’s brutal!” But Brandon keeps ducking behind Frankie and she keeps getting wetter and wetter. _

_ “Stop!” she shrieks. The water’s cold like ice. _

_ “Brandon! Jude! Don’t get her hair wet, please!” Mama calls. _

_ “Yeah, Jude! Don’t get her hair wet!” Brandon taunts. _

_ Jude keeps right on spraying, walking closer and closer as Brandon walks backward. _

_ He stumbles back with Frankie in her arms as Jude gets closer, and the spray from the gun stings her. _

_ She lands in the water with a splash. It’s cold and shocky and it tastes like salt when some lands in her mouth. Frankie doesn’t even have time to cry before Brandon picks her up: _

_ “You’re okay. I wasn’t gonna drop you.” _

_ “You  _ did _ drop me!” she yells. “Put me down!” _

_ “Are you sure?” he says, pretending to lose his grip over the water again. _

_ She hangs on tight around his neck, “No!” _

_ “Well, make up your mind, Frankie,” Brandon teases. He carries her back to her Doc McStuffins towel and sets her on it. Right by Mama and away from the sandy spot she was playing at before. _

_ “You’re okay, aren’t you?” Mama asks. “It’s just water.” _

_ But she’s not okay. _

_ She’s all shivery, even her heart. _

_ She can’t get warm. _

\--

Fran clicks her flashlight on under the blankets but no one is under here with her, because she told them not to come.

She has her Dementor chocolate, but she doesn’t want to waste it in case this blizzard lasts a bunch longer, and they never have heat the whole rest of the time they’re in Minnesota.

Everybody listened to her this time, and Fran can hear them all playing pet hide and seek without her.

It’s super noisy and Fran feels forgotten and lonely in here where nobody can even see her backup signal.

She’s so cold she can’t sleep. But it’s like her body doesn’t care about being warm, and she falls asleep anyways...

\--

_ Frankie’s just a baby. _

_ In a highchair.  _

_ There’s yelling. _

_ It’s too loud. _

_ Frankie watches. _

_ Mama yells, crying: “Where is our sweet boy?” _

_ Mom nods: “That’s not him. If I had to pick a son, I wouldn’t pick him.” _

_ Buddy comes, from around a corner. _

_ Then, he turns and runs away. _

_ That’s because Moms wouldn’t pick him. _

_ But if brothers were flowers, she would always pick him. _

_ She shakes, and the highchair shakes. And Moms go find Buddy. _

_ Nobody finds Frankie. _

_ She stays right here. _

_ But not really. _

_ Going inside her mind.  _

_ Singing every song from Brave. _

_ They don’t work. _

_ She still shakes. _

\--

Francesca’s sobbing, because what even just happened?

It feels so real that she can’t stop calling out for Jesus.

“Buddy! Buddy! Buddy!” she manages. She can’t stop crying.

“What? What is it?” Jesus asks, in a panic. He sees her tangled in the blankets in the mid-afternoon dark.

She wraps herself around him, shaking. “I’m sorry! I’m sorry! I pick you! Just don’t go…”

“Hey… It’s okay. Whatever it is,” he reassures, rocking her back and forth a little.

It takes a while for her to calm down enough to realize what’s real. She’s in the cabin. In the neverending blizzard in Minnesota. She’s twelve, and Moms aren’t here. Brandon and Jude aren’t here. Jesus and Mariana both are. 

“I had a dreamory,” she manages, gasping. “Like, half dream, half memory…”

“Yeah?” Jesus asks.

“Moms were yelling, and you heard them and you ran away. They said they wouldn’t pick you, but  _ I pick you _ , Jesus, okay? You can have my Z-bar. You can have all my food. Just don’t go…”

“Buddy. Hey. I will never leave you. Okay? I’m a safe adult now. I wasn’t before. I was just a scared little kid. I was like you are now. And you know that sometimes kids do what makes sense at the time, right? They let their feelings lead?”

Fran nods.

“And that’s okay. It’s a regular stage everybody goes through. But now that I’m a safe adult, I will never leave you. And I don’t need you to give me all your food. I need you to eat your food. So you stay warm, okay?” he asks.

“Kiss my head?” she asks, still gasping.

He kisses it gently. Dudley’s right here, resting his head on Jesus, and part on Fran.

“Did he have fun playing hide and seek?” Fran asks.

“He did...but update? I can’t fit in the dirty clothes hamper. Oops,” he says, smiling gently.

Fran tries to imagine him doing it. Trying to fit himself all the way in there, so Dudley won’t see him.

She laughs a little.

“I was shining my light before I fell asleep, and nobody saw…” she admits.

“Oh. I’m sorry, Buddy. What was going on?”

“Lonely, cold memories of my life…” she says seriously. 

She’s so relieved when Jesus doesn’t laugh at all. It makes her able to keep going:

“Like when I had to sleep all alone in our room when Mari was in the hospital...and another time when Brandon dropped me in the water…and then that dreamory where Moms said really mean things to you and you ran away. I was so little, I thought they meant that brothers were like flowers and so I--”

“--Because they said… If they had to pick a son....they wouldn’t pick me…” Jesus fills in.

“That really happened?” Francesca asks, breathless.

“Yeah,” Jesus nods.

“Then I really was left all alone in the highchair?” Francesca wonders, sad.

“I’m so sorry about that, Buddy. You were so little. I think I tricked myself into thinking you wouldn’t remember,” Jesus apologizes.

“I’ll always pick you.” Fran promises fiercely.

“I’ll always pick you, too. Definitely. Moms lucked out. With me, and Mari and you? They just...don’t know it. And they might never.”

“But we do?” Fran asks.

“We definitely do,” Jesus nods. He looks her in the eyes. “I am never leaving you. Okay? Not as an adult. I’ll never leave you behind.”

Francesca holds on tight to him, though, just in case.


	94. Powerlessness

The truth is, when Fran wakes up screaming, Mariana’s trauma is all awake and alive. The way she sounds is, like...a certain level of desperation...that Mari only connects to being totally small and totally helpless.

It shatters her.

Like the lamp.

\--

_ It’s when they went back to Ana the second time. After she did all the things the judge said. Mariana’s seven, but she feels so much older. _

_ Mari misses Stef and Lena. But she loves Mom, too. _

_ The feelings split her in two sometimes. _

_ Mom and the guy are fighting. _

_ It’s winter out, so Mari and Jesus stay inside and out of the way. That’s the rules. _

_ But out of the way means they move very quiet to where they can watch. See everything happen, but not have grownups notice. _

_ Just...Mari wishes she didn’t. _

_ Because the guy yells and pushes Mom. He breaks a whole entire lamp. Then his hand makes a fist and hits Mom very hard. _

_ Mom is crying, “I’m calling the police! You punched me!” _

_ Jesus lunges forward, but Mari holds on tight to his hand. She sees the look on his face. He’s going to make some siren noises. He likes to play that he’s all the trucks and cars coming to save the day. And his most favorite are police cars, ever since meeting Stef, and seeing her ride in hers. _

_ She shakes her head. Puts a hand tight over his mouth. _

_ He bites her. Hard. _

_ “Ouch! Jesus! You butthead!” Mariana yells, pushing him. _

_ “WEEE-OOOH! WEE-OOOH! WEE-OOH!” Jesus sounds just like the police cars, as he runs out between Mom and the guy. “THIS IS THE POLICE! STAND DOWN IMMEDIATELY OR I’LL PUNCH YOUR FACE!” _

_ “You little shit,” the guy says and snags Jesus by the shirt. _

_ Mom gets between them. Shoves Jesus behind her. “Run!” she screams. _

_ The guy punches her again and again. Until she spits teeth into her hand. _

_ Mariana and Jesus just scream and scream. _

_ (“Mama! Mama! Mama!”) _

_ They can’t stop. _

_ Mom’s screaming, too. _

_ “Don’t touch them!” _

_ When he turns toward Mari, she jerks on Jesus’s hand.  _

_ And they should run. _

_ But they can’t. _

_ And then it’s too late. _

_ It’s too late for anything. _

\--

Mariana can’t move.

Fran stopped screaming, but it doesn’t mean she’s okay. Mari is anything but okay right now. Because now, all she wants is to be somewhere safe with Jesus, but he’s with Fran right now.

And logically, Mariana knows that he should be with her. She’s twelve. She had a nightmare, obviously. And she needs comfort.

But Mari needs Jesus.

Because all she feels right now is a giant aching inside her. 

It’s just like when he was missing.

\--

_ It’s February. That’s the worst time. _

_ Mama explained it’s because in January and February, they had a lot of upheaval. They were left at the police station, and they came back into foster care around the same time two years later. _

_ Except now, Mariana’s all alone, and no one knows where Jesus is. _

_ It’s winter break, and she’s home sick. She has a cough and an earache. It hurts to swallow. And she finds herself looking through her diary from last year. It lasted from July, 2006 - March, 2007. _

**_July 1:_ **

**_Today, we got adopted. Jesus thought Vin Deezle was going to be there but he wasn’t. I’m still scared. Love, Mari_ **

**_August 4::_ **

**_Today, we moved to a brand new house. Jesus and Brandon have there own rooms now. Our house is on Villa Mariposa that means butterfly street. I dont like Spanish that much. Love, Mari_ **

**_March 10:_ **

**_Today, Jesus and I got in trouble for leaving without telling Moms. We didnt even go far. They are the worst. I hate it here. I really miss Ana but don’t tell. Love, Mari._ **

**_March 11:_ **

**_We are still grounded. I hate it a lot. Love, Mari_ **

_ The edge of the diary is squishy, pink and soft. She sinks her teeth into it. They leave a dent. She does it again and again and again. It helps her feel better sort of - but not really at all. _

_ She does it, though, because it’s something to do. When the edges are all chewed. She finds pen caps and pencils. Beads. It helps her focus. _

_ She messes up when she chews on the soft wheel covering of Brandon’s vehicle. _

_ “Mom! Mariana’s slobbering on everything!” he exclaims. _

_ “No, I’m not!” she objects, the piece of rubbery stuff still in her mouth. _

_ “She better not be,” Mom warns. _

_ “She is,” Brandon insists. _

_ “Mariana Foster!” Mama reprimands. “You’re sick! You can’t go around spreading your germs! Do you want the rest of us to get what you have?” _

_ Mom puts out her hand. “Give it to me. Right now. What you have in your mouth.” _

_ Mariana spits it into Mom’s hand. _

_ “Lovely,” Mom remarks. “I don’t think this is salvageable, B, I’m sorry. She is going to use her allowance to buy you a new one.” _

_ “She can’t. It’s an antique. Dad gave it to me!” Brandon insists. “It’s one of his G.I. Joe vehicles from the olden days!” _

_ “Come with me,” Mama insists, and she takes Mariana to the bathroom and makes her wash her hands.  _

_ Then, she brings her back to her room. _

_ “What else have you had in your mouth?” she demands, hands on her hips. _

_ “Nothing,” Mariana says.  _

_ She’s so scared to tell the truth. To show that her Barbies hands and feet are full of teeth marks. Her diary is chewed. The pen caps and pencils and beads are all hidden in the desk and Mama finds them easily. _

_ “Mariana, you can’t act like this. You’re not a baby,” Mama insists. Now I have to throw all this away.” _

_ “No!” Mari cries. She goes for her diary. She can’t lose it, and the few mentions of Jesus in there. “Don’t! I’m sorry! Don’t take it!” Mariana sobs. _

_ “Honey, I can’t let you keep doing this!” Mama says, exasperated. _

_ “I won’t! I promise! I’ll stop! I really will!” Mariana begs. _

_ “The pages are wet. If you eat paper, you’ll get sick, honey. What’s going on with you?” _

_ “Nothing! I promise I won’t do it anymore, just...don’t take it… It has my Jesus stuff in it…” _

_ “Fine. But we’re going to keep it put up, so you aren’t tempted. And the rest of this stuff has got to go. You chew food. That’s all. Understand?” _

_ Mariana nods. _

_ But she remembers a time when there wasn’t food. When all she had to chew on was the side of a playpen. Which felt a lot like the cover of her diary. _

_ She understands. _

_ But she doesn’t think Mama really does. _

\--

“Hey...you okay?” Dominique asks.

She tosses Mariana a piece of gum casually. It lands on her lap. And only then does Mariana realize, she’s got a small photo album in her hands. 

In her mouth, more accurately.

She takes it out, embarrassed. Glad that only Dominique seems to have caught on, and isn’t making a big deal.

Mariana hides the photo album in the couch cushions and unwraps the grum.

“Thanks.” she says.

“You okay?” Dominique repeats.

“I hate this,” Mariana manages, distracted as her mouth fills with spearmint flavor.

“Blizzards suck,” Dominique agrees.

“Memories, too…” Mariana nods.

“Hell, yeah… Hey, if you’re hungry...I can… We can find you something to eat.”

“It’s not that… I mean maybe… Just… I don’t know what it is. Stef and Lena and Brandon...they used to make me feel like shit about it. Say I couldn't keep acting like a baby.”

“Not Jesus? He didn’t tease you?” Dominique wonders.

“He used to do it, too… And when...it started really being a thing...he wasn’t there.”

“So, maybe you were trying to cope?” Dominique asks.

Mariana shrugs, “Maybe.”

“Hey, I think Fran has the right idea,” Levi says. “Let’s go to bed, huh, girl? It’s freezing out here."

\--

_ “Let’s go to bed,” Nick whispers, in the middle of making out. _

_ “Let’s not,” Mariana says back, pushing him away. _

_ “I don’t think you get a choice,” he laughs. “You agreed you owe me.” _

_ And she didn’t have a choice. _

\--

Mariana’s trailing Levi toward the stairs. 

“Did you need something?” Levi asks, turning toward her.

She just shakes her head.

“Oh. Okay,” he keeps walking.

She keeps following. All the way to his bedroom door.

Inside.

“Whoa. What’s… Are you…? Okay?” Levi asks.

“You said…” she whispers. “Let’s go...so…?” she shrugs, gesturing at the bed behind them.

“No. I was talking to Panther, okay? It’s dark...and I think you’re triggered… But it’s Levi...and...”

He startles her, flashing his light on and off from the balcony.

There are feet on the stairs.

“What’s up?” Dominique asks.

“Mariana...she’s....” Levi manages.

Mari shakes her head. “I think...I’m triggered…” she manages, her voice hollow.

“Alright. It’s alright. I’ve got you,” Dominique insists gently, walking her back downstairs. “You don’t have to do this. We’re gonna be okay. Stick with me.”

Mariana’s shaking.

They’re back on the couch. 

“Thank you…” she manages.

“I’ve got you. Always,” Dominique promises. “Everybody’s safe.”

“This isn’t what I wanted...to be like…” Mariana worries.

“You’re triggered. It’s not a character flaw,” Dominique reassures. “Need to talk about it? What did it?”

“The screaming. Jesus and I...we used to scream like that...and then, it’s just...the getting in trouble for stuff I couldn’t help, and then...Levi he...said something and it just...clicked off...so wrong… Oh my God, did I ruin everything?”

“You didn’t. I promise,” Dominique says.

“Uh, you’re not Levi…” Mariana objects, wiping her eyes.

“You didn’t,” Levi says walking up beside them. “Promise.”

“Oh.”

“Are you okay?” he asks. Concerned.

“Not really,” Mariana admits. “But better...knowing I haven’t...I don’t know...destroyed you?”

“You don’t destroy me. You keep me together,” he says, and then makes his way back upstairs.

“See?” Dominique asks. “What’d I tell you? Believe me. It pays off.” Mariana can see her eyes sparkle in the dark.

“Clearly,” Mariana sighs. “And thanks. For not making me feel, like…”

“God, other people already do so much of that. We gotta do the opposite, right? Look out for each other.” Dominique says gently.

“Thanks for doing that,” Mariana nods.

“I’ll always do that,” Dominique insists, putting an arm around Mari.

Mariana leans into her.


	95. Closeness

That evening, they manage to eat through four more of their food items: Jesus, Pearl and Mariana share the can of beef stew (Mariana gives them the meat and eats the vegetables.) Pearl indulges a bit by using some of their Saltines. Fran takes some, too, and so does Levi.

Dominique, Fran and Levi split the two cans of Chef Boyardee beef ravioli between them. Mariana generously contributes plantain chips so everyone can have a fruit item and they eat the last six graham crackers for dessert.

Everyone’s nerves are rattled. The blizzard is as active as ever and Pearl wonders if it’s ever going to pass. It hasn’t escaped her - the truth of what this day is. The dark is a constant reminder.

But the blizzard and the howling wind and Cleo. It all helps to take Pearl’s mind off the horror show happening in her own mind.

After dinner, she tries to write in the journal between her and Levi, but she can’t. She has no ability to concentrate. She’s so cold, and so exhausted, but she can’t sleep.

The problem persists until she finds herself awake, sitting on the living room couch long after everyone else has gone to bed.

She’s grateful Dominique has Roberta to keep her warm in Pearl’s stead.

It’s odd, but Pearl takes comfort in being alone. She can’t imagine being close to someone right now.

Moments in the woods flash through her mind like the herky-jerky end to a temperamental film strip.

The woods…

And then, not the woods…

\--

**March 23, 2008:**

_ “Hold on…”  _

_ Pearl stops with Gracie at her side. “Yes?” _

_ “I need to hug my favorite daughter… I hardly get to see you anymore now that you left me.” _

_ Mom walks over and embraces her. It feels oddly performative, in front of the table of everyone in Mom’s side of the family. (Pearl’s uncles love to show off their latest firearm purchases, and when that happens, Pearl makes a quick exit. At least she can drive now.) _

_ One second, Pearl’s aware of the performative feeling of the hug as Mom’s arms close around her and the next, she’s parked in front of her cabin in the woods. _

_ She has no idea how she’s gotten there. _

_ \-- _

**September 12, 2000:**

_ A week into Pearl’s senior year and Mom is already seeing fit to ruin her life.  _

_ Pearl’s known she met someone ever since she started going out every Friday night. It started around the fourth of July. _

_ Now it’s just a regular old Tuesday, and there’s a man at their dinner table. _

_ “Pearl, this is Dave,” Mom introduces. _

_ When Dave steps up to hug her, Pearl nearly chokes. He’s wearing the exact same cologne as Jared. She can’t move. _

_ She can barely eat, feeling like she’s being held hostage again. It’s been seventeen months. She should definitely be over this by now, but she’s not.  _

_ Something’s definitely wrong with her. Why can’t she just move on? _

_ “So, your mom says you were supposed to graduate last year. What happened there?” Dave asks bluntly. _

_ Pearl levels a gaze at him. He lives in the area. He knows what happened.  _

_ “Did you just give up?” he asks, stabbing a piece of steak and slathering it in A1 before popping it in his mouth. _

_ Pearl can’t speak. His smell - Jared’s smell - is all over her. Permeating her. Just like it was then. It may as well be Jared himself, peppering her with questions. _

_ “She’s seventeen,” Mom offers, and Pearl has no idea what this means. “She’ll get her butt in gear and graduate in June. Then she’ll be on her own…” She smiles at Dave in a way that makes Pearl feel afraid. _

“ _ And  _ we’ll  _ be on  _ our  _ own…” Dave says, winking. _

_ Mom laughs. _

_ On his way out, Dave kisses Mom. It takes a seriously long time and it’s...so...thorough. _

_ Pearl finally clears her throat. _

_ Dave pulls back, and without a word of warning, he puts his arms around Pearl again. He rubs her back. “Great to meet you,” he says. _

_ It’s all innocent. He’s done nothing untoward. Still, Pearl finds herself pushing against him. _

_ “Don’t touch me!” Pearl exclaims, as his hand lights on her hair. _

_ She shoves him away. “Just...stay away from me!” she screams, tears rolling down her cheeks. _

_ Pearl turns and rushes to her room, slamming the door. Through the thin walls she can hear his disgruntled words: _

_ “Your daughter sure is a piece of work,” Dave says. _

_ “I’ll talk to her. She’s just upset about me seeing someone else. That’s all.” _

_ “Yeah...I don’t know if I can handle the teenage drama. If you didn’t have all the baggage, then, maybe we could make something work. Bye, Carla.” _

_ Pearl remembers looking down at her new red-plaid top. Her khaki pants. Her hair, completely set with gel, because she styled it soaking wet so it wouldn’t be unreasonable halfway through the day. _

_ She hears her mother coming her way. _

_ But she doesn’t recall what happened next… _

_ \-- _

**_October 31, 1987:_ **

_ Pearl gets home on Halloween night and rushes in the house with her bucket of all the candy. She takes off her Big Bird mask and darts around the house. _

_ She’s sure Daddy will be here. _

_ He can’t miss Halloween. _

_ They talked all about it. _

_ “Daddy!” she checks. “It’s not really Big Bird! It’s just me, Pearl!”  _

_ “What are you doing?” Mom asks, with her arms crossed. _

_ Pearl stops moving. Seeing Mom like that makes her remember. She keeps forgetting about Daddy being dead. _

_ Her face falls. _

_ “Come here,” Mom says, opening her arms, and Pearl goes slowly, not knowing what it means. _

_ Mom’s holding Pearl’s feathery body, her orange and pink legs against her. She whispers in Pearl’s ear: _

_ “Daddy never loved you. I’m the only one who loves you, Pearl. Remember that.” _

_ Pearl goes still inside Mom’s arms. _

_ The words stick in her brain. _

_ She never forgets, just like Mom said. _

\--

“Can you not sleep either?” a voice asks in the dark, making Pearl jump.

“Fran… You scared me,” Pearl gasps.

“Sorry,” Francesca apologizes. She uses her flashlight to make her way to the couch and sits on the other end all wrapped up in a blanket. “I can’t sleep either. I slept too long during the day.”

Pearl doesn’t realize she’s not responding until Fran asks another question:

“Why can’t you sleep?” 

“Because...it’s my traumaversary...and I keep remembering...things...and my mother...and the woods…”

Francesca’s quiet for a while and then she speaks again. “if the woods had a superpower, what would you want it to do?”

“Consume my mother...and my trauma…” Pearl answers, still feeling blank.

“Isn’t your mom your trauma?” Fran asks.

“I guess she is. I also have other trauma. You? What would you want the woods to do, if they had a superpower?”

“Protect us,” Francesca says, certain. She’s clearly given this a lot of thought.

They’re quiet for so long that Pearl’s sure Fran has fallen asleep, but then she hears the distinct sound of Francesca unzipping her Franny pack.

Something lands on the couch between them. And Pearl shines her light to identify it and pick it up. It’s the very last of the Z bars.

“Oh, I can’t take this. It’s your Dementor chocolate. To protect you from the cold…” Pearl objects.

“I know. But this is to protect you from the Dementors of life. I know they're not really real, but trauma is kinda like a Dementor, I think. The woods can’t protect you. Chocolate can’t protect you. But we can protect each other, can’t we? By showing love?” Fran asks.

“I think so,” Pearl answers, wiping tears away in the dark. She holds the brownie bar - still wrapped - and breaks it in two. Then she opens it, takes half, and offers Fran the rest.

“You don’t want it all?” Fran asks confused.

“I want to share it. With you. So we can both be safe. What do you say?”

“Great idea,” Fran yawns. “But I’m too cold to sleep.”

“I’ll stay here. Keep you warm if you like,” Pearl offers, covering Fran with a blanket.”

“Remember, the Dementors can’t affect you’re neutral…” Fran advises. “That’s how Sirius Black survived prison. He thought about the truth, which wasn’t happy or sad.”

Pearl tries it.

She thinks about the truth. Herself. In this cabin. In the woods, yes. Cold, yes. But safe enough with friends and chocolate, and her dog.

And finally, she closes her eyes.


	96. Neighbors

By Monday, the Avoiders’ nerves are fried. It’s day three of this blizzard. There is no end in sight. They sleep til after 11 AM (all of them) just to stay warm.

Dominique wakes up singing, which is mildly concerning until she assures them all she is singing by choice, to help morale:

_ “Oh, the weather outside is frightful. No fire inside’s delightful. But since it’s still so damn cold. Stop the snow, stop the snow, stop the snow, _ ” she riffs.

_ “It doesn’t show signs of stopping,” _ Fran joins in, yawning and sitting up.  _ “And we ate all the corn for popping.” _

_ “Flashlights are turned way down low…” _ Levi sings, opening his own door.  _ “Stop the snow, stop the snow, stop the snow.” _

_ “When we finally kiss goodnight,” _ Mariana adds, opening her own door.  _ “How I hate going out in the storm. But if you really hold me tight…” _ She looks at Levi.

_ “All the way home, I’ll be warm,” _ she and Levi harmonize.

_ “No fire, we’re slowly dying,”  _ Pearl offers dryly.

_ “No groceries here for buying,”  _ Jesus says, not even trying to sing.

_ “And since there’s no place to go,”  _ Dominique brings it home.

_ “Stop the snow, stop the snow, stop the snow!” _ they all chorus.

“In all seriousness, I think we need to stick to cereal this morning for breakfast. And then we can use the protein bars for additional food, like later. Since we’re out of vegetables,” Jesus points out.

“That is not a bad problem,” Francesca offers, shivering.

They sit down to breakfast of dry cereal and ice cold water. Mariana’s still rationing her coffee. Soon enough, it’s noon.

“ _ More _ bean tortillas?” Fran complains.

“It’s that or Spam,” Levi says, apologetic. “That’s all the protein we’ve got left.”

Fran makes a face, but accepts a bean tortilla. Dominique and Mariana finish off Mariana’s lemon bars. Levi has another chocolate mint bar. Fran, Jesus and Pearl finish off the fruit snacks.

They’re about to toss the garbage when Jesus notices something behind Fran’s back. “What’s this?”

“Green beans?” Fran shrugs, feigning innocence. “How did those get there? I guess they didn’t want to be eaten…”

“We can have them with dinner,” Pearl decides.

Fran makes gagging noises.

“Great,” Mariana remarks. “Now I’ve officially missed therapy. Moms are gonna kill me…”

“It’s with Dr. Rahman, though,” Fran reminds. “Not Tomas. She won’t tell on you, probably. Plus a blizzard and no power is a valid reason.”

“That’s true.” Mariana sighs. “I just hate not doing things. Like. flaking out on my commitments.”

“You’re not,” Jesus says.

“Pearl? How are you?” Levi asks.

Pearl blinks. ‘What? I’m fine.”

“It’s still the day it is,” he points out, quiet. “Need anything?”

“Just...it was over by now.” she says. 

“That doesn’t mean you have to be done feeling about it,” Jesus points out.

“I just… I don’t really wanna think about it. If it’s all the same to you guys?” Pearl offers.

“Totally your call,” Jesus reassures.

They play a couple rounds of pet hide and seek. Panther is still the champion of the pets and finds Levi even when he hides in the back of an upstairs closet with Fran.

“It’s oddly reassuring,” he says, as Panther finds him and licks his face.

“That she’s never gonna stop licking you?” Fran asks.

“That no matter where I go, she’ll find me.” Levi says.

“Duh. She’s an Avoider. Of course she’ll find you,” Fran says, reaching out to pet Panther.

She’s come around to liking her after all.

\--

“Elise?” her sister-in-law, Kylie, asks, finding her at the closet in the dark with a flashlight. “You alright?”

“Yeah, I’m fine. I just… I can’t stop thinking about Mari and Levi. Jess and I met them the other day, and Mari and her friends are just visiting here...from California…”

“Oh, Lord...so they’re not gonna be warm enough. I see… Well, I got an old overnight bag somewhere. And a sleeping bag,” Kylie says, going to the bedroom and searching their closet.

“For what?” Grace asks, coming over and shining her flashlight at Kylie.

“For my friends who are visiting from California...and probably freezing…” Elise offers. 

“Oh no. The ones with the girl my age…” Grace worries. “Here. Send her…” Grace takes off down the hall and comes back with her winter coat. “This.”

“Are you sure you’ll be warm enough without it?” Elise asks.

“I’m wearing one already. I can’t wear two at once. Besides, how fair is it that I have two, and Francesca doesn’t have any?” she asks.

“Robby, you’ll get it to them, won’t you?” Elise begs, finally taking Grace’s spare coat.

“How would you like me to do that?” he asks.

“You have a snowmobile, don’t you?” Grace asks. “Get on and ride it over, Dad. They need you.”

“I’ll come, too,” Elise decides.

“Wear helmets,” Kylie advises. “And don’t even think about doing anything reckless. The storm just blew over.”

“I won’t.” Rob promises, kissing her.

Grace wrinkles her nose. “You two are so in love it’s disgusting…” she says, hiding a smile.

\--

“There’s a ginormous snowmobile outside,” Fran says. “And two people with face masks and big bags…” she gulps. “I think they’re here to rob us…”

Jesus goes to the window and checks it out, too. “I don’t recognize them. Pearl? Levi? Do you?”

Levi and Pearl come to the window. The smaller bundled figure raises a hand and waves. Obviously they know one of them.

“I have no idea who that is…” Levi asks.

Fran gets a piece of paper and a black marker and writes in giant letters:  **_WHO ARE YOU?_ **

She holds it to the window and the smaller one takes off their hood and face mask.

“Holy shit, it’s Elise...and her brother…” Mariana exclaims, rushing to the door.

“Get in here. Oh, my God. What are you doing? You must be freezing.” Mariana insists.

“That was our worry,” Rob says, taking off his own face mask and hood. “Hey. Rob Evans. Nice to meet you,” he sticks out his hand.

“Mariana,” she returns, shaking his hand.

“Hey, Elise,” Levi says, grinning, and offering a hug. “Good to see you.”

“This is Pearl and Fran, Dominique and…” Levi trails off until Jesus nods briefly, “and Jesus.”

“Nice to meet you,” Elise says. “Fran, my niece, Grace sent this for you. It’s one of hers. She was worried, being from California, you guys might not have warm coats.”

“I had one once. When I was four and came here before,” Fran says, putting on the jacket and pulling the fur lined hood up. “Ooh, it _ is _ so warm.”

Mariana whispers to her. 

“Please tell her thank you for me,” Fran repeats.

“We also brought a sleeping bag,” Rob says. “We couldn’t bring much more on just the one trip,” he apologizes. “But we wanted to make sure you had something, at least.”

“Do you want some food?” Fran offers. 

“We should get back,” Rob offers. “Grace is home, and we should make sure she and Kylie are okay.”

“Here,” Mariana decides. “Take these,” she gives them her bag of trail mix and four protein cookie bars. “As a thank you.”

“For the road,” Fran says helpfully.

Then Mariana hugs Elie hard. “Thank you,” she says. “Thank you, thank you, thank you. For coming. For helping us keep her warm…”

“Of course...” Elise nods. “I get it. I know what it’s like...to struggle. We both do. It’s why we help out like this. Because we get it.”

“Bye,” Levi says, taking his turn hugging Elise again.

And then Fran hugs her, too. “I’ll send the coat back.” Fran says, feeling a paper in the pocket and a pair of gloves.

She takes out both:

**_Keep me. In case you come back. Love, Grace._ **

Fran shows Elise.

“Looks like you got yourself a coat,” she says. “Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you all,” she waves.

And just like that, they’re gone.

\--

“Damn it,” Jess swears.

“What?” Coby asks from across the house.

“We still have no power. I can’t… God, I can’t reach Mariana. Can you imagine vacationing in another state and getting snowed in with no power? What if they need something? They can’t call for help…”

“What do you wanna do?” Coby asks.

“Help them,” Jess says, like it’s obvious.

“Mom’s right. We have the biggest pantry,” Christian offers. “We have plenty of food to share with them.”

“Yeah, but how do we get to them? The blizzard just stopped at like, 3:00. Dad said there’s no plows that are even gonna come through until like… I don’t know…” AJ shivers.

“For days, probably,” Coby supplies, wrapping a blanket around AJ.

“We have the plow truck,” Christian reminds him. “For when we do maintenance jobs in some of those apartment parking lots.

“Right,” Coby nods.

Jess gets to work. AJ’s right. Part of Jess feeling secure here means a large well-stocked pantry that can see them through almost anything. Even an unforeseen emergency like this. Even after days of eating out of it, there’s plenty left.

She loads a backpack with a loaf of bread. A jar of peanut butter. Three cans of tuna. A six pack of Nature Valley oats and honey granola bars. And a 16-pack of those little Dole fruit cups - peaches, mixed fruit, or mandarin oranges.

“Here,” she tosses the bag to Coby.

He grunts a little. “Thanks, honey…”

“No problem,” she says, stopping by the closet.

“What are you doing?” Coby asks.

“Getting my coat. They’re my friends. I’m going with you. Christian, you’re in charge. AJ, listen to your brother. Do not go outside. We’ll be back.”

“What if we need help or something?” Christian worries.

“Then, here…” Coby tosses him a walkie-talkie. “I’ve got the other one. Just hold the button down and talk. We’ll be back before dark. Stay here. Lock the doors.”

“We know the drill, Coby,” Christian says.

“Yeah, we know the drill, Coby,” AJ giggles, but she grows serious under Jess’s stare. “I mean, Dad.”

“Love you. I love you,” Jess says, hugging and kissing both kids. “Be safe.” Coby follows, doing the same.

Then, they finally make their way out the door.

\--

For dinner, the Avoiders grudgingly eat Levi’s can of Spam. (Except for Fran and Mariana who use up the remainder of the peanut butter and split eight peanut butter cracker sandwiches between them.) They finish off the last of the green beans.

“What about dessert?” Fran asks. She has yet to take off Grace’s coat. It’s black on the outside. Pink inside, and has a fur-lined hood.

“We can’t really do dessert tonight, Buddy,” Jesus says, apologetic.

“We can,” Mariana insists. “We can have some of my brittle,” she says and gives everyone a serving.

“What are you doing?” Jesus whispers. “You keep giving our food away.”

“I’m giving  _ my _ food away, Jesus. It’s my choice. Because helping each other is how disabled people stay alive. They kept us warm. We keep them fed,” Mariana insists, thinking of the Evanses generosity.

There’s a knock at the door, and Levi takes the opportunity to go and answer it. Pearl is on his heels, just in case it’s her mother, in a rare moment of humanity, coming to check on them.

Levi pulls the door open, stunned. “Jess?” he asks. “Mari, it’s Jess and Jacob,” he calls.

“No way…” she calls.

Levi’s shepherding them inside and closing the door as soon as possible. All the animals are sniffing them and excited to have visitors.

Jess unstraps a backpack from her back. It falls to the ground with a heavy clunk.

“What’s in there?” Fran wonders.

“We... “ Jess says, breathless. “We just wanted to be sure you had enough.”

Mariana unzips the bag and tears come to her eyes. “See?” she says, gesturing to Jesus. “Didn’t I tell you?”

“You did. Hey. Sorry. I’m Jesus,” he introduces. “Thank you so much.”

“What did she tell you?” Jess asks, curious.

“Helping each other is how disabled people stay alive,” Fran repeats, having heard every word. “And it is. Because we’re living proof right here.”

“We are,” Jess echoes, meeting Mariana’s eyes.


	97. Absence

When Dominique wakes up Tuesday morning and goes out on the landing, the last person she expects to find waiting there is Mariana, wrapped in the sleeping bag from Elise.

“Hey…” Dominique greets.

Mariana waves.

“What’s up? Are you… Are you okay?” Dominique asks.

“I mean, no. But not less than usual,” Mariana allows. She scoots over as far as she can in the chair and offers some sleeping bag and a place to sit.

“Oh,” Dominique sits down, smiling. “I could get used to this. Warmth and everything…”

“Right?” Mariana asks, cracking a smile. “Anyway. I wanted to know if you… Well, how are you?”

“How am I?” Dominique asks, confused. 

“There were a lot of random guys around…” Mariana points out.

“Your friends’ brother and husband aren’t what I’d call random guys…” Dominique stalls.

Mariana waits.

Dominique thinks of Rob. Of Jacob. “Fine. Yeah, there were…”

“And are you? Okay?” Mariana presses, gently.

“I mean...I’m glad for the basic needs. But it’s kinda…” she shudders.

“Not your favorite?” Mariana fills in.

“Yeah, you could say that,” Dominique nods. “How are you?”

“We can talk about this. You know...if you want to. You don’t have to turn it around.”

There’s silence, while Dominique weighs the choice. “I’m just not… I don’t know. Like, it was okay…” she allows. “But it wasn’t great.”

“Do you want me to ask stuff?” Mariana wonders. “Would that help?”

“I reserve the right not to answer,” Dominique maintains.

“Right. Of course,” Mariana nods. “So...what wasn’t great about it?”

“I guess I just...I wasn’t prepared? And when...guys are… When it’s unexpected, that’s more triggering. Because when it first happened to me, I had no… Just there was no way to prepare.”

“That sounds hard,” Mariana offers.

“I hate the unexpected,” Dominique forces a laugh. “And yet...I know I can’t prepare for everything. I know that’s not possible. Oh, my God. It’s so damn cold. All I want is something warm...to eat...or drink...or something,” she shivers. “Being cold is… It takes me right back to the hospital.”

“Right. When skin is injured it… It’s a huge reason we regulate temperature and when it’s hurt, it… Sorry, you obviously know this…” Mari says, sheepish.

“And it helps. That you know it. That it’s not on me to spell it out,” Dominique nods.

Mariana takes off her hat from Pearl and offers it to Dominique.

“That’s yours. Pearl gave it to you on your worst birthday ever,” Dominique objects.

“Yes, and I’m giving it to you. To borrow,” Mariana explains. “Grandpa...he has other hats. If I need something I can find it.”

Finally, Dominique accepts Mariana’s hat and puts it on. “How do I look?” she smiles.

“Warmer…” Mariana allows, putting an arm around Dominique.

“Thanks. This is… It’s hard. Because...a lot of the same things y’all deal with? I do, too. And this is not me trying to make my trauma about you. It’s just the truth. But it’s also why I don’t share it.” Dominique admits.

“Because…” Mariana prompts.

“Because I know how it’s gonna sound… Like I’m jealous. Like I’m acting triggered to get attention...instead of  _ being _ triggered…”

(It’s been months. And Dominique can’t forget when Jesus said that about her. By the look on Mariana’s face, she remembers, too…)

“You can’t help it that your things are similar,” Mariana points out. 

“No,” Dominique sighs. “I just… I’ve been hungry, too. I’ve got food issues...like y’all do. But I don’t have everybody in the damn cabin knowing about it and seeing to me about it. I feel like maybe I mentioned it for a second...but still...it’s like...nobody notices. Only the flashlight thing you came up with works. And…” 

“And?” Mariana wonders.

“And…” Dominique wipes her eyes. “It kinda feels like I can only count on one or two of you. Maybe three. Jesus...he...still gets everybody. All the time. Everybody understands. He gets the damn benefit of the doubt - which I know we didn’t give you and Levi and I am still sorry about that - it just sucks.”

“Am I?” Mariana asks.

“Are you?” Dominique echoes, confused.

“The one or two?” Mariana wonders.

“You’re maybe three,” Dominique whispers. “Pearl comes through. Levi. And you....sometimes…”

“But we have to do better than sometimes,” Mariana objects. “It’s why I came up here,” she admits. “I know...like...I mean, I remember what you said the last time we talked...about how it’s hard for you. How you really only have your mom. And now, you’re out of touch with her?”

“Right,” Dominique nods.

“And that probably feels lonely,” Mariana comments. “And I probably can’t claim you’re like a sister to me, like I did in your note...if I don’t treat you like one. Like you actually matter to me. Which, you do, by the way…”

“I’m getting that sense, yeah,” Dominique laughs a little. “I just...I get that you also have your own stuff going on. You know? And if you need to talk about…” she nods her head meaningfully. “We can.”

“Do we have to?” Mariana cringes.

“Not at all. Something else on your mind?” Dominique asks.

“It’s Stef’s birthday,” Mariana shares in a hush. “...And we’re not there.”

“Oh, shit,” Dominique breathes. “How is that?”

“I mean...I slept through it last year, basically? We’d just come home, and I was exhausted as hell...but Stef...she...never let me live it down...and I didn’t think ahead to send her anything this year either. She’s gonna be pissed…” Mariana worries. “And I still have to deal with going home in a few days and...dealing with all her feelings about…” Mariana nods.

“So, you’d rather be on firm ground when you get back,” Dominique says, understanding.

“Ideally, yeah,” Mariana yawns. “But there’s no way to send anything now. I can’t even call her. Not that I’d want to. I just… I hate this…”

“When we get power back, I can help you guys find something to send, if you want…” Dominique offers.

“Really?” Mariana asks.

“Hell yeah,” Dominique nods. “I want you to be safe. And I get that this is the way you have to go about it.”

“Thank you. For getting this,” Mariana says. She reaches under the blanket and inexplicably pulls out her last two chocolate mint protein bars. She offers Dominique one. “The one good thing they did this trip…” she ventures. “...was to make sure I was stocked with snacks.”

“I’m glad,” Dominique says, taking a bite. “For you. And for us.”

\--

Fran is secretly very glad when Jesus starts off her day right. He gets her a bowl of plain Cheerios and a chocolate peanut butter bar. Ever since Jess and Elise came and she got to meet them for real and Jess brought them more food, Fran has felt much better about life.

She waits while he brings Levi and Pearl cereal and a bar each, too.

“What about Mari and Dominique?” Fran asks, looking up.

“There’s not enough cereal, but they were up before us, so they had the chance to get some if they wanted it. Looks like they got a couple of bars, though,” he reassures.

Fran eats her peanut butter chocolate bar quietly. “I wish they brought me more Dementor chocolate,” she says softly. “At least Grace gave me her coat. I’m never taking it off,” Fran says.

“That’s true. How are you, Buddy?” he asks.

“It’s Stef’s birthday…” Fran starts. “So that means...I’m feeling unwanted. Because of what she said last year, remember?”

“I remember that you told me,” Jesus nods.

“She told me she never actually wanted a sixth kid,” Fran says, even though Jesus already knows. “That hurt my feelings.”

“That makes a lot of sense, Fran,” Jesus says.

“Because she made you feel unwanted?” she asks, leaning into him. She still can’t forget the dreamory she had where Moms were fighting about how they wouldn’t pick Jesus if they could pick a kid.

“Well, they did...yeah… I was just gonna say. It’s hard, because I have a lot of memories around her birthday from when I was gone…”

“But did they find you?” Fran wonders.

“What?” Jesus asks. “Buddy, we talked about that, right? You know Stef didn’t actually find me. That I had to get arrested…”

“No, I don’t mean then,” Fran says, waving her hand. “I mean, when I was a baby. When they said the thing about not picking you, and you ran away. Did they find you?”

“Mariana went after me,” Jesus says.

“She did?” Fran asks. “What did you guys do?”

“She just ran with me… I don’t remember how we got home, or when… I just… I remember her calling my name. Saying she was going with me. And she did.”

“And nobody was with me,” Francesca sighs.

“I’m so sorry about that,” Jesus apologizes.

“If you and Mari ever run away again? Promise you’ll take me, too?” Fran asks.

“Buddy… That was the whole point of a few months ago. It’s why you and Mari came here to live with me.”

“That was the best time in my whole life…” Fran sighs.

“That was hella stressful. Are you sure?” Jesus asks.

“It wasn’t. It was better because I was with you guys and you all loved me and were protecting me.”

“That’s true,” Jesus nods.

“Is it stil?” Fran asks.

“It’s always true,” Jesus nods.

\--

“So...is it just the blizzard?” Levi asks, thoughtfully eating his protein bar as he and Pearl sit at the kitchen table in the dark.

“Is what just the blizzard?” Pearl asks. 

“Well...I wrote you back…” Levi points out. “In the journal...and...I don’t know, I just....haven’t heard back…”

“I’m sorry! Yes. It’s the blizzard. And the trauma days...and everything. But I do...very much appreciate that you’re still having a hard time, and that trust isn’t something we’re just going to snap our fingers and possess. It’s something we have to work at.” Pearl shares.

“You memorized what I wrote?” he asks, impressed.

“What you say matters to me,” Pearl says. “So I always try to remember it.”

“So...it’s not that… You’re not, like, mad at me or anything?” Levi checks. “Still? For leaving with Mari?”

“No. I understand that you needed your space. And yes, it was hard for me. Because I worry about you. But you’re an adult, and you can go out and do your own thing when you want to,” Pearl says. Her hands shake a little.

“But it was hard…” Levi says, knowing.

“It was. Oh… I was going to say… When you and Mari were gone...Dominique and I...we were out looking for you…” Pearl shares.

“And?” Levi asks, swallowing.

“And...I found the old house...where I lived with them. With Dad...and…” Pearl confesses.

“Why are you telling me this?” Levi whispers.

“Because, it’s… It’s part of my history, Levi. Part of Dad’s. I thought you’d wanna know.” Pearl says confused.

“It’s part of mine, too,” Levi admits, looking at the table. 

“What?” Pearl asks.

“It’s where we came back to...where I was when… When she…” He takes some deep breaths. “I know that house, Pearl. I hate it. I never wanna go back there,” Levi manages, quiet.

“Oh… God, Levi. I’m so sorry. I didn’t realize. Of course, you wouldn’t.” Pearl says.

“So I’m… I won’t show you pictures,” Pearl says. 

“Thanks,” Levi says. “Just...I  _ am _ ... _ glad _ . For you, I’m glad you found it.”

“Thank you,” Pearl says. “That means a lot to me.”

“Are you okay? The last couple days? The blizzard? Everything?” Levi checks.

“I’m glad the days are over,” Pearl admits. “Sometimes, it’s all I can do to get through them. It takes too much energy to talk. Or I just...I feel like it won’t do any good to rehash it. It still happened.”

“I get that,” Levi nods. “Did you…?” he hesitates. “Do you like our friends? Elise? And Jess?”

“I do,” Pearl smiles. “I’m glad you and Mariana have them. They seem like great people.”

“They are, yeah,” Levi nods.


	98. Missives

The very first thing Pearl does after talking to Levi is to sit down with their journal and write back to him:

_ Tuesday, April 12, 2022 _

_ Dear Levi, _

_ Thank you for trusting me as much as you have and as much as you are able. It means a lot to me. Like I said, your words matter to me. Especially the ones you wrote back then. _

_ I completely understand your not being ready to tell Dad anything. You may never be ready and that’s okay. It’s 100% your decision who you tell and when. _

_ I wanted to say I am so sorry for bringing up the house to you. I didn’t connect what it meant to you - and that it likely meant something very different to you. No pressure at all in that regard.  _

_ I do hope journaling helps us, too, in the same way it may have helped Dad. I wonder if he ever wrote to anyone like this? I know he wrote us letters, obviously. _

_ Anyway, how are you? I know this blizzard has been tough. And I am sorry (Again) that it’s taken me a few days to write you back. I know intense situations can sometimes bring up trauma-related feelings. Is there anything you want me to know? _

_ Love, _

_ Pearl _

\--

_ Tuesday, April 12, 2022 _

_ Dear Pearl, _

_ No pressure in what regard? About the house.? I’m confused about why I might feel pressured. Were you planning to go there? Is it something you wanted us to do together? If so, I’m sorry. I didn’t realize. And I am happy for you. I can tell it meant a lot to you, finding where you used to live with Dad. It’s just… I’ll leave it there. I’m happy for you. _

_ The blizzard has brought up a lot of my Dad feelings. Like...I feel like, a lot of my caretaking comes out. Wanting to make sure everybody’s okay. That’s like him. If anybody was ever… Well, he always wanted to be sure everybody was taken care of. _

_ It’s actually deeper than that. It is a trauma thing, I think. Where I actually struggle to sit still at all. Where I want to, but I can’t. Like, at all. Mari was able to help me settle a bit, but even staying in one place to write this letter is hard for me. _

_ I don’t know if I want you to talk about it or just know about it. I am still mad that Jesus said the thing about Dad. Because the times when Dad left us…. They couldn’t be avoided. Dad was always acting in our best interest, I think. (I have to think that. I don’t think I have anything else to hang onto if I let go of that....) _

_ I don’t know if this is too much. Or what you meant by asking how I was. But there you go. I hope you’re not upset about me and Mari leaving still. We just had to. Haven’t you ever felt like you just had to get out of somewhere? _

_ Levi _

_ \-- _

_ Tuesday April 12, 2022: _

_ Dear Levi, _

_ Yes, I guess I was thinking going back to the house might be something we could do together, but before I realized that you had traumatic memories tied to it. Obviously, it is not something I want now. I don’t want you to do anything that’s uncomfortable. Or anything that hurts you in any way. It’s enough that I found it. That I have pictures of it for myself. _

_ Is there anything I can do to help make settling down easier? Actually, I’m sorry, because I just read again and saw that you’re unsure about wanting to discuss this. That you may just want me to know about it. And that’s fair. It sounds beyond difficult. I guess, just know, if you need help with anything related, I’m here. _

_ I’m still upset with Jesus, too. He’s apologized and that matters, but...God… Knowing what I know now...about what happened to both of us when he left...and that, like you said, it could not be avoided? It just feels extra mean-spirited. Just remember: We know the man Dad was - you especially. Jesus doesn’t. We know what he was really like. _

_ This isn’t me saying Dad was faultless or somehow a perfect human being. I think - based on what I know of him - he’d disagree there. But I don’t think it was fair at all that you were compared to him in a way that was so...cruel. Dad didn’t leave us on purpose.  _

_ And I don’t believe you and Mari left because you wanted to hurt us. It was something you had to do, and something you had every right to do. (I am an adult and I can learn to cope with hard things in ways that don’t hurt the people I love.) I’m not mad at you. Not about that or anything else. _

_ What you shared - whatever you share - is not too much. If it’s what you want to share? It is the perfect amount.  _

_ Oh gosh, yes, I have felt like I just wanted to get out of many places. I wanted to run away my entire life at home, but I never did, because I think I knew it was futile. It’s why I joined track, I think. I needed that outlet. So, yes… Home… The woods… I’ve wanted to leave all kinds of places. I know the feeling. I think the difference is, I stop myself (or freeze) just short of acting on it. _

_ I love you, _

_ Pearl _

\--

Lunch time usually makes Mariana feel a little better but facing another meal of cold refried beans on cold tortilla shells? It’s not something she’s looking forward to. She makes sure to serve Dominique first, giving her a paper plate with a bean tortilla and one of their new fruit cups. She offers one of her last servings of brittle to Dom, too, and she accepts.

Mari makes sure Fran gets some, too, and she splits the last of it with Levi. Pearl and Jesus make due with what’s left of the plantain chips. (If they’re careful, there should still be enough of those for one more meal.)

“Do you have enough?” Mari checks with Dom.

“Yeah. Thank you,” Dominique nods.

“What are you doing?” Fran asks.

“Making sure we all have enough,” Mariana points out.

“Because maybe Dominique doesn’t have enough?” Fran asks, looking around Mariana at Dom for confirmation.

“Because...I know what it’s like to not have enough,” Dominique offers. “To eat...and Mari knows that. She was making sure I did.”

“Why didn’t you tell me that? I would’ve shared my green beans with you,” Fran exclaims, her eyes shining with the joke. But Mari definitely catches Fran sliding Dominique an entire sleeve of their Saltines. One of the few things they have plenty left of.

“Are you warm enough?” Mariana checks with Dom. “Sorry, if it’s hovery or whatever. I just...the water’s frigid and I know...it’s kinda all we have to drink.”

“Unless we want coffee,” Fran puts in. 

“That’s cold, too,” Mariana adds. She scoots closer and offers the sleeping bag she’s been wearing over her shoulders all day long.

“Jesus, Dominique didn’t even get any Cheerios this morning,” Fran points out.

Pearl and Levi glance up from where they’re poring over the new journal Pearl got recently.

“What?” he asks.

“You said everybody got the chance to have some, but she sleeps upstairs and so she didn’t have the chance to have any.” Fran points out.

Pearl raises her eyebrows at Jesus. Mari does the same.

“You said you wanted us to tell you,” Fran shrugs. “You know? If you hurt one of us. Even on accident,” she crunches on some brittle. Mariana watches as Fran roots in Grace’s jacket pocket and takes out gloves. She offers them to Dominique casually.

“This...it’s really nice…” Dominique says, uncomfortable. “But it’s not necessary.”

“No, yeah it is,” Jesus says. “And you’re right, Fran. I should’ve offered everybody cereal, and I didn’t make sure you got the chance to have any, Dom. I’m sorry. Take my banana chips.”

“What? No, I don’t want your banana chips, Jesus,” Dominique laughs, uncomfortable.

“I think...the point is…” Levi offers, quiet. “To offer. To consider everyone. We don’t push things on each other. We don’t assume what they might want or not.”

“Right,” Jesus sighs. “I’m sorry. I just… I wanna make it up.”

“That makes you feel better,” Dom points out. “It doesn’t really do shit for me, but make me feel like...I have extra work to do. Accepting whatever. And I don’t...really do...guilt and gifts? Food as a gesture is tricky, too,” she admits. Her eyes roam until they find Levi’s. He gets this.

“So...just the apology then?” Jesus asks.

“And do better next time,” Fran advises.

Dominique swallows. She blinks back tears. “This is hard…”

“What, exactly?” Pearl asks, concerned.

“Like...the emotional whiplash, I guess? Dominique puts the gloves on. “On the one hand, there’s so much love and care here...and on the other? It’s just...the same old shit…” she locks eyes with Jesus.

Mariana watches Jesus press his own lips together. He’s trying right now. Trying to listen instead of overexplain. Instead of making this about him.

And it is something.

But Mari isn’t sure if it’s enough.

“Are we fighting again?” Fran asks in a tiny voice, scooting closer to Mariana.

“We’re okay,” Dominique reassures. “We’re safe.”

“ _ And _ we have a right to our feelings,” Mariana adds, nodding at Dom. “So...if Dom’s upset with Jesus...which, you are… You should get to talk about that. But it’s okay if you don’t wanna listen, Fran…”

“But what about considering you and your basic needs. Isn’t feeling  _ validationed _ one of your basic needs? And what does that say if I just leave?” she asks Dom.

“It means--” Jesus begins, and then stops himself. “Sorry.”

“It means that sometimes we have to put our own safety first. And that’s something I really understand,” Dominique shares.

Fran sighs. “There’s not even any electronics, anyways. I’ll stay.”

\--

But there’s nothing to say.

By now, Dominique’s just done. She’s tired. She’s cold. And she has to deal with constantly eating the last of something. Of seeing food just disappear. Of not even being offered it. It’s like she’s fucking invisible all over again.

She just sits forward, a hand on her forehead, shielding her face from them while tears fall in silence.

Mariana puts an arm around her. Fran scoots under the sleeping bag on the other side, to hold onto Dominique, too.

“I’m sorry,” Fran whispers. “I’ll always pick you over electronics…”

Dominique shakes her head and presses a kiss to Fran’s head.

Pearl scoots over so she’s shielding Dominique and wraps her arms around all three of them. “We see you,” she whispers. “We really do.”

“We’ll make sure…” Mariana promises, but the words evaporate as emotion closes her throat. 

“We’ll make sure you have Cheerios. Right, Mari?” Fran asks, through tears.

Mariana sniffs and rests her chin on Dom’s shoulder. She nods.

“You matter. So very much,” Pearl whispers, her breath catching.

“You really do.” (It’s Levi. Dominique can hear him but she can’t see him, being surrounded as she is.)

“I’m sorry. That I haven’t been considering you,” Jesus offers again. “Do you need anything now?”

Dominique closes her eyes, grateful when Levi hushes him:

“She needs to feel… Let her feel about this…” 

Levi’s words shake something loose in Dominique. After so long being silent, it startles her when a sound escapes. Her grief. The thing she’s kept so carefully guarded around Jesus. Now, he’s bearing witness.

He can’t ignore this.

Dominique doesn’t know how long Mari, Fran and Pearl are planning to stay gathered around her - a protective layer, a second skin - but they show no signs of leaving.

She leans into them.


	99. Paths

“Let’s step outside. Give them some privacy?” Levi asks.

Jesus nods, confused. Dudley, for one, seems thrilled to be going outside. The animals doing their business in the house has worked okay, but they’ve all been looking forward to the dogs being able to go out, as usual.

Panther joins them, and soon Jesus and Levi are set and they head out into the snow. It’s intense. Deep. And Jesus’s heart trips in his chest when Levi hands him a shovel.

“...For the snow,” he clarifies.

Jesus shakes his head. “Right. Yeah.”

“Sorry, I didn’t explain. It’s just...we got, like, a foot of snow. And the roads are plowed. But we have to shovel to get out of the driveway,” Levi says, already getting into a rhythm. “And we’ve gotta be able to get out of the driveway to get to the store.”

Jesus blinks. Nods. Hesitantly, he digs his shovel into the snow. It’s different than dirt. Snow is weirdly heavy. At least this time he has gloves...and no ankle chain.

Dudley stays by Jesus’s side, while Panther darts around them in the drifts.

They work silently, side by side.

\--

No matter what Dominique tries, she can’t seem to stop crying.

Mari, Pearl and Fran don’t seem concerned, but Dominique is. She’s not used to feeling so deeply and for so long.

“I’m sorry,” Dominique sniffs.

“Don’t be sorry,” Fran manages. “Not for your real, actual feelings.”

“You can cry if you need to,” Pearl urges.

Mariana nods, squeezing Dominique a little tighter.

“I don’t know what’s wrong with me…” Dominique says, her voice thick.

“You don’t wanna be ignored,” Fran says helpfully, wiping a hand across her eyes. “That’s not wrong. That’s really human. We shouldn’t ever ignore each other. Even on accident.”

“That’s true,” Pearl nods.

“I’m just...so tired… I’m tired of being the last one to be noticed. I’m tired of being strong. I’m just...tired. There’s nothing...I…” she shrugs.

“Go on,” Mari encourages. “If you want..”

“Just...there’s nothing good...I guess?” Dominique says. “In that...I don’t wanna look on the bright side...because there is no bright side…”

“That’s toxic positivity,” Pearl points out.

“Sounds like more wisdom from Dr. Gram,” Dominique smiles ruefully, tears still leaking from her eyes.

“You would be correct,” Pearl nods. “And that’s not something we do, because it’s…”

“It’s damaging,” Mariana offers.

“And it probably makes you feel like your feelings don’t even matter, and they do matter,” Fran says, hugging Dominique’s arm. “Thanks for being brave and sharing your feelings.”

“Thanks for being here…” Dominique manages.

“Is there anything else you need?” Pearl wonders.

“Yeah,” Dominique says, surprising herself. “I need consistency. I need this not to be a one-time thing. Like, not the crying. That can totally be a one-time thing,” she laughs. “But the...involvement, I guess? Especially while things are hard here?”

“You need us to keep making sure you have access to basic needs?” Mariana asks. “And checking in with you?”

“Please…” Dominique says.

“So...we’re just going to take it really easy,” Pearl says, drying her tears. “Keep the stress level down...and give you lots of safety and consistency.”

Dominique nods. “And can somebody please talk to Jesus? Pearl or Mari? ‘Cause it is possible for him to be there without triggering me, but it’s like he won’t even try. Because he’s too scared…”

“I’ll talk to him,” Pearl volunteers.

\--

Hours later, Jesus and Levi make their way back into the cabin, red-cheeked and cold.

“Who wants to go for groceries?” Levi asks, breathless.

“Me!” Fran exclaims.

“I was planning to go in the first place,” Pearl says. “Anybody else want to come?”

“I will,” Levi offers.

“We could all go,” Jesus raises his eyebrows.

“Or...we could not decide for each other,” Mariana says with a meaningful look at him.

“I’d like to go,” Dominique says.

“Me, too,” Jesus and Mariana chorus.

“Wait. Are you sure?” Mariana studies Jesus. “You hate shopping.”

“Food insecurity means I love shopping today,” Jesus says. He turns to Dominique. “And sorry. For deciding for you. And he looks at Mariana, too. “And you.”

Dominique and Mariana look at each other. Then at Jesus. And they nod their acknowledgement.

\--

They easily split up between the two cars. Dominique finds herself with Levi and Mariana, and expects to feel like the third wheel, but they don’t forget about her.

“Are you cool with me driving?” Levi asks.

“I think so…” Dominique offers. “As long as… I don’t know. It’s impossible to predict every damn trigger.”

“But maybe we talk about familiar things?” Mariana suggests. “Or, like, what we’re doing?”

“And I can tell you that just because I’m driving doesn’t mean I’m in charge. Anytime you need to stop. Or turn around. Or get out? Let me know. Or let each other know. Or something. I wanna help, and I know…” he trails off. “Neither of you has a great history in cars...I want y’all to know that I know that.”

“The roads...they look bad…” Mariana observes.

“They’re a little slippery...and the traffic’s a lot...but...not bad. We’re gonna be okay. Need to stop?”

“No,” they chorus, looking at each other.

\--

Pearl takes a deep breath from her position in the driver’s seat. She meets Jesus’s eyes in the rearview mirror. She can see Fran in the seat beside him.

“Are you gonna talk to Jesus about being able to help Dominique even though he’s a boy?” Fran prompts.

“Yes, I was,” Pearl nods, focusing on the road.

“What?” Jesus asks.

“She says you’re scared to be there. Like you’ll do the wrong thing. But then you just like...decide for her...and that’s rude.” Fran points out.

“Okay...so I’m supposed to…?”

“Ask,” Pearl puts in. “Offer. You were so thoughtful to the rest of us with the cereal this morning. You made sure we had access to it, but you gave Dominique such a wide berth.”

“And she’s been hungry, too, Jesus. Just like us,” Fran says.

“Right,” Jesus nods. “Sorry. It’s cold as shit out here. Hard to think.”

“The heat’s up as far as it can go. It can take a while to circulate. I’m sorry.” Pearl apologizes. “Just...don’t be afraid to ask questions.” She pauses. “Are  _ you _ okay?” she asks Jesus. “Levi might not know your history with shoveling...but I do…”

“Yeah, it was… It was a trip…” Jesus offers, distant.

“What’s your history with shoveling?” Fran asks.

“That’s private,” Jesus says softly. “It’s not something I want you knowing about. Maybe ever.”

Fran’s mouth falls open. “But Pearl can?”

“Buddy, it’s a trauma thing. We decide who knows about our trauma things, right?” Jesus asks.

“I guess,” Fran pouts. “But it sucks when you’re the one who doesn’t know…”

“Trust that there’s a reason I’m not telling you…” Jesus says, looking weary.

“Yeah, because I’m young. You think I’m still a baby, but I’m not, Jesus. I’m a human just like you are,” Fran crosses her arms.

“I’m sorry. I just can’t tell you,” Jesus apologizes. 

Pearl squints as Levi flashes his lights and pulls over. Pearl does the same. 

“What’s up?” she calls, regretfully putting down her window.

“What do you say we eat out first? We could get something hot,” Levi returns.

“Not The Barn,” Pearl warns. 

“No,” he agrees. “What about the Island Cafe?”

“Sounds good,” she nods. “Wait. Is everyone cool with going somewhere to eat?”

“Yes, especially if it’s warm,” Fran offers, her teeth chattering.

\--

“Does it bother anyone else that we just ate lunch?” Mariana asks.

“No,” Levi says, holding Mari and Dom’s hands as they make their way across the parking lot.

“Help Fran,” he calls toward Pearl’s car. “And be careful. It’s icy.”

“Right,” Pearl nods.

They make their way inside and instantly feel warmer. Looking around, it seems like they’re not the only ones with this idea. It’s pretty busy and Mariana’s more than a little concerned about their recognizability, especially after the pictures leaked on their birthday. Six out-of-towners with two dogs… Mari would look twice at them if she weren’t one of them.

Jesus pulls his hat low.

The wait is long, and everyone seems to know Pearl. She’s cordial, and people don’t really seem inclined to stop and talk. Mariana’s pretty sure the awful weather is working in their favor.

Jesus, Dom, Fran and Mari sit to wait, and Pearl and Levi stand, effectively protecting the four of them from view.

Finally, they’re seated.

\--

Pearl swallows. 

It’s not the same cafe, but they  _ are _ in a cafe. It’s not a trigger she regularly encounters. And definitely not so close to her traumaversary. Her trauma at sixteen had ended when she talked her attacker into keeping her alive by promising to take him anywhere he wanted to go.

It turned out he wanted to go to a local cafe and have breakfast.

She swallows. She had agreed to this before she had time to think through what it might mean for her. The draw of light, of heat, and of eating warm food was enough.

But now… What can she do now?

She can’t exactly run outside screaming, “ _ Never mind! _ ”

“I bet if Moana went to a cafe, it would be this one,” Fran is saying.

“True, because it's the Island Cafe, right!” Levi nods.

“You okay?” Jesus asks, nudging Pearl.

She jumps.

“What is it?” Dominique asks.

“After…” Pearl shares in a whisper. “I had to drive him to a cafe like this. He wanted breakfast...before I dropped him off at home…”

Dominique closes her eyes. Just as quickly, she opens them, scoping out the people around them. “You don’t see him here, do you?”

Pearl shakes her head.

“Okay,” Dominique nods. She slips her hand under the table and into Pearl’s own. She squeezes. “I’m sorry. This is terrible timing…”

“But it’s not… We’re all cold… We need this…” Pearl says.

Their food arrives, and Pearl can barely eat her frittata. Mariana and Fran are splitting Belgian waffles. Levi got the bacon egg and cheese breakfast sandwich, like Pearl figured he would. Jesus and Dominique each get the grilled barbecue chicken sandwich.

They splurge and order six hazelnut cappuccinos, because they need the warmth.

Pearl tries to eat, She can’t quite manage it, but she tries to push herself to at least drink her cappuccino, figuring it might do the same as her hot chocolate and take the edge off her trauma response. (Even though having caffeine right now makes such little sense, Pearl would laugh if this situation were the least bit funny.)

They hang out there as long as possible. Once Pearl has managed to drink a little, she feels somewhat better. She can even eat a few bites of her food.

It’s mid-afternoon by the time they finally decide to head out again.

\--

It’s some cruel twist of fate that after they spend hours in a cafe, they go to a grocery store. But at least it’s County Market and not SuperOne.

Pearl does her best to keep it together.

Though they haven’t spoken, Levi seems to read her distress. They get Fran a Caroline’s Cart to save her energy, and Levi does his best to take them directly to where they need to go. 

He stocks up on a few cans each of Campell’s Chunky soups - because they’re ready to eat. He finds vegetable, chicken noodle and clam chowder, still on the shelves. Then he checks out the Chef Boyardee aisle and picks up cheese ravioli and beef ravioli as well as more spaghetti and meatballs and spaghetti Os.

The regular bread is sold out, but Levi finds a loaf of French bread at the bakery, which Francesca cannot resist smelling. At Fran’s request, they search for more of her Z bars. She proudly pays for them with her own money.

“But I’ll still share them if anyone needs one,” she says, magnanimously.

“Thanks, Buddy.” Jesus says.

“Oh, Buddy! You want these!” Fran says, pointing out the Hostess cupcakes.

Jesus picks up a couple boxes, and Pearl feels like she’s slowly losing her grip on control as Mariana decides to buy a box of strawberry and a box of grape Uncrustable sandwiches.

“We can’t refrigerate those,” Jesus points out.

“Sure we can,” Pearl says. “We can stick a cooler out in the snow. Bam. Refrigerator.”

“No fair! Then I want bologna and cheese! And juice and milk!” Fran insists.

Pearl feels dizzy. 

“You okay?” Dominique asks as Pearl sways.

“I’m fine…” Pearl manages.

“I’ll take her to get the last of the stuff,” Jesus volunteers.

Mariana and Dominique lead Pearl off to the side to sit down.

Cleo is licking her face.

Pearl feels clammy. On the verge of losing it. Passing out. Or hyperventilating. Or...she’s not sure yet.

In this moment - as absurd as it seems - Pearl’s thinking of Stef Adams Foster. She was the one person able to ground Pearl when she’d needed it the most years ago, when she’d seen Jared outside the post office all those years ago. 

Today? That moment - and being sixteen - it all feels like it just happened.

Mariana’s patting her back and Dominique hasn’t let go of her hand. Levi’s squatting in front of her, asking her if she can breathe. But she can barely hear him.

“We’re almost done. Would you feel safer in the car?” he asks.

“I’ll be fine,” she insists, drawing a deep breath.

But she feels even when the dizziness passes, she feels exhausted. Like she could sleep for a year.

Somehow, she drives home, this time with Mari and Dom. Levi drives Jesus and Fran.

Pearl can barely manage to climb the stairs to the second floor of Frank’s cabin and push open the door to the room she shares with Dominique before she collapses in the bed.

She can’t think about unpacking groceries.

She can’t think of anything.

Pearl burrows under the blankets, and tries to sleep, but her brain won’t shut off. Her heart pounds.

There’s a tap on the door, and she most likely called “come in” because the door opens.

And Pearl feels them before she sees them.

Fran, Mariana and Dominique, coming to sit with her.

“Safety in numbers,” Fran whispers and scoots a Z-bar toward Pearl in the dark. “We’re your backup.”

“Hell yeah, we are,” Dominique nods.

“It’s safe…” Mariana comments. “If you wanna close your eyes. We’ll stay awake. We’ll stay…”

Pearl doesn’t hear the rest of whatever Mariana says.

Their reassurance was all she needed to fall headlong into sleep.

Relaxing her guard at last.


	100. Reasons

_ April 12, 2022 _

_ Dear Pearl, _

_ I just want to check in after what happened in town. I am so sorry I didn’t connect that going to that cafe would be hard for you. I know going grocery shopping is hard enough.  _

_ I’m glad you have Mari, Dominique and Francesca there to offer comfort. I just want you to know that if you need anything else, I’m here. _

_ It’s a relief to know you don’t want or expect me to go back to the house with you. Thank you for explaining and not getting short-tempered. (Not that you would, I just sometimes expect it…) _

_ That is good advice about Dad, but hard to remember when I am face to face with Jesus and all I can think about is him saying what he did… _

_ And there is really nothing you can do to help me settle. I know that’s probably hard for you to hear. If I do think of something, i’ll be sure to let you know. _

_ I am so sorry again, _

_ Levi _

\--

Levi sets the journal aside.

He’s written in it standing up at the table.

Writing with Pearl like this is making Levi recall all kinds of memories he’d once considered insignificant. Thinking about what Jesus said has Levi giong over all his memories of Dad, for proof that Jesus’s take isn’t the truth.

He stares into the empty space, and memories fill his mind with no trouble.

\--

He remembers Vader in the yard. He’s not really doing anything, just lying out there. 

_ “There’s Vader, sunbathing,” _ Dad used to say. Levi was so young, he couldn’t make sense of the term, but he remembered the joy he had stripping off every inch of his clothes and going to roll around with Vader in the grass.

When Mom asked, “What on earth are you doing?”

Levi had replied, “Taking a sun-bath with Vader, Mama.”

\--

He remembers their kitchen in the house in Colorado. 

That kitchen was the heart of their home - the heart of them. Dad couldn’t cook a lick, but it’s still where they all gathered. Where Levi found Dad most often, at the table, with a pencil and a notebook, writing things down.

Once, around ten years old, curiosity got the better of him:

“What do you write in there, Dad?”

“Your sister was about three years old when she said she wanted to read my notebook.”

“Did you let her?” Levi asks, coming closer, hoping for a look.

“I told her, ‘No, ma’am. This has got Daddy’s private thoughts in it.’”

“Oh,” Levi’s shoulders slump. “How long have you kept those? Were you my age?”

“I was a little younger than you,” Dad says, and his eyes get faraway. “When my parents died…”

“Why’d you start writing then?” Levi presses.

“I suppose because I wanted to remember everything,” Dad says, and Levi doesn’t get it.

“Can I read them someday?” Levi asks, quiet.

“I suppose you can. Someday, when I’m gone. You’ll find these old things and read all kinds of secrets about your old man.”

Levi laughs, sure Dad’s joking. “You don’t have any secrets.”

“Son, everybody has secrets,” Dad says seriously.

\--

Riding in the car sticks with Levi, too. There were countless moments just quietly spent together:

“Why don’t you hate the car?” Levi asks. He’s twelve now.

“Beg your pardon?” Dad says, wheezing a little. Levi knows that’s what he says when he can’t hear you the first time.

“You hate planes because they crashed into those buildings. But your parents died in a car. So why don’t you hate cars?” Levi wonders.

“For a while, I avoided those, too,” Dad admits. “But, the busses were being boycotted, and there wasn’t much choice if we wanted to get around. We had to use cars.”

“So you were forced to not hate cars?” Levi checks.

“I guess so,” Dad answers.

“I don’t hate planes,” Levi admits. “Do you think I should? Since...you know...they kinda hurt you?”

“Hate’s a strong word, Levi,” Dad says.

And Levi knows he’s serious because he’s saying his name and not a nickname.

“I don’t think you should hate anything...or anyone...but I also think it’s your God-given right to protect yourself. However you must.”

Levi considers this.

He’s never really stopped considering it.

\--

“What’s your deal?” Jesus asks, surprising Levi.

“What do you mean?” Levi wonders.

“I mean… I don’t know… We can usually talk to each other? And now, it seems like… I don’t know… Are you pissed at me or something?” Jesus wants to know.

“You mean, for telling me that I disappeared on people like my dad? Yeah, I’m still pretty angry about that…” Levi says quietly.

Jesus blinks. “Yeah, that was shitty of me,” he nods.

“He had a damn reason, Jesus. He was a  _ good  _ father and my _ best _ friend…”

“I know…” Jesus nods. “I shouldn’t have said it. But like...are you...not talking to me on purpose?”

“What?” Levi asks. “No, I’m just...thinking.”

“About?” Jesus wants to know.

“Dad,” Levi fills in. “These, like, innocuous memories...that are like...coming back. Dad telling me he had secrets...and like...that we have a right to protect ourselves however we have to?”

“What did he mean?” Jesus asks.

“I have no idea… I was like, ten or twelve years old… I wish I would’ve asked more questions, though…”

Jesus gets a faraway look in his eyes.

“What?” Levi asks.

“Nothing, just...being twelve… It, like… There’s a memory there. Can I?” Jesus says.

“Yeah,” Levi invites.

“So...just...I know that you needed my help today… With shoveling… It’s just… I have a really gnarly history with shoveling...so...it was kinda brutal for me. And I get that you didn’t know that, and it wasn’t intentional, but I just… I wanted you to know. It’s hard.”

“Thanks...for telling me. If you wanna say more, you can. But if you’re done, that’s fine, too.” Levi says.

“Did you wanna say more? About your dad?” Jesus asks carefully.

“Not exactly… More like… What made you go  _ there _ ?” Levi questions. “ _ Say _ that about him?”

“Because everytime my parents - bio, foster, adoptive...Him.... -  _ every _ time they left...it was on purpose. So, it’s kinda easy to feel like every parent does the same thing.” 

“I suppose...when it’s multiple parents...and your parents are supposed to be there. And love you. And take care of you…” Levi fills in.

“Right...and they just...don’t?” Jesus continues.

“I’m not condoning it...but I can see where you were coming from,” Levi allows.

“I know your dad’s great, and I am sorry for talking crap about him. I wanted to hurt you. And I did, and I shouldn’t have,” Jesus nods.

“Alright,” Levi offers his fist for a dap.

Jesus returns it.

“So…” Levi says. “We got all this food from Jess…”

“I know…” Jesus nods. “Wanna help me stock the pantry? See what we’ve got?”

“Really?” Levi asks, impressed. “You’d trust me to do that?”

“Yeah,” Jesus agrees. “I trust you to do that.”

“So, the bologna and cheese, milk and juice? Those all made it outside in the cooler, I hope?” Levi asks.

“They did, yeah. The outdoor fridge,” Jesus jokes, a little humor in his eyes at last.

“The outdoor fridge,” Levi laughs a little.

Jesus sets out to organize all their canned goods in the pantry. He leaves the Hostess cupcakes on their own on one shelf, and Fran’s Z-bars on their own on another shelf.

Then, in go the soups, the Chef Boyardee stuff and the tuna. The fruit cups and the granola bars go in, too. Beside their remaining tortillas and refried beans. Their soda crackers and the few remaining servings of Mariana’s plantain chips.

Levi isn’t left with much to do, but he sets the bread and the jar of peanut butter out on the counter.

“There,” he says, wiping his hands off.

“Done,” Jesus says.

\--

When Pearl gets up, she feels more tired than she did when she went to bed. Glancing around her in the half dark, she can make out Mari asleep in a chair, covered in a blanket, and Fran and Dominique cuddled in the bed with Pearl.

She pulls the blankets around them.

It feels oddly like those early days after what happened to her. Hiding out in a dark bedroom. 

Only this time, she has people hiding out with her.

As much as Pearl tries to sleep, though, she finds she can’t.

She makes her way out of bed and down the stairs with Cleo in her arms.

“Hey…” she greets softly. “Sorry, I passed out…”

“No, don’t be,” Levi tells her. “Are you okay?” he hands her their journal and goes to the pantry. “What do you want for dinner?”

“I’m still full,” she says.

“You barely ate,” Jesus points out.

“Fine...I’m not hungry,” Pearl admits.

“Here,” Levi says,

Pearl just waits at the table, feeling half awake, while Levi moves around doing whatever he’s doing. Eventually, he’s back with a 2-liter of ginger ale and their soda crackers.

“Where did we get this?” she asks.

“Oh. They had tons of soda,” Jesus fills in. “And I figured it might be good to have some on hand.”

“For your stomach,” Levi says, pouring her a glass of the pop and half a dozen crackers.

“You don’t have to take care of me,” Pearl denies.

“But if we don’t, who will?” Levi challenges gently.

“Fine,” Pearl relents. She nibbles the edge of a cracker. And sips a little ginger ale. It strikes her that even at the time, her mother could not be bothered to do even this much.

She flips through the journal and peruses Levi’s most recent entry.

Her eyes light on his apology - his numerous apologies - and she points at the words. Shakes her head slightly.

Levi raises his own eyebrows, shaking his head in confirmation.

She nods.

To anyone watching - which right now is Jesus - their exchange must look pretty confusing. But Levi gets it.

It isn’t his fault.

Triggers happen for their own reasons.

And if they’re lucky, they have people who will help them through to the other side.


	101. Grieving

_April 12, 2022,_

_Pearl,_

_It’s worse. Everything is worse. Because I remember now. My grandmother died today. After I confided in her...about what happened to me…._

_God, it’s taken me most of the day to even remember. What’s wrong with me? What kind of grandson am I?_

_Why didn’t I realize Grandma Major was already dealing with enough? She and Mom were still recovering from the break-in. She didn’t need me telling her crap on top of it._

_I’m sorry. I know you’re dealing with a lot, too. But you always say you want to hear from me - that whatever I say is the exact right amount._

_It makes my throat tight. It makes me terrified to ever talk again. That’s what happened the first time. It’s why I stayed quiet about it for so long, you know? Because I just couldn’t handle the thought of everybody I ever loved dying._

_It’s why I never told Dad, and he died anyway._

_I’m sad. And I miss my grandma._

_Levi_

_\--_

_Tuesday, April 12, 2022_

_Dear Levi,_

_I am so sorry to hear that this is a hard day for you because of your grandma’s death. Please don’t beat yourself up, OK? You’ve had plenty to deal with, what with April feelings and the blizzard and everything._

_Nothing is wrong with you and I’m positive you were a great grandson. You were a child. And I’m sure Grandma Major was happy you reached out to her. I’m sure she wishes she could’ve been able to respond to you and tell you she’s sorry you’re sad. Maybe ask you what she could do to help?_

_Whatever you say IS the exact right amount, Levi. I never want you to hold back your feelings around me. (I understand that because of trauma, you might feel you have to. That makes sense.)_

_You telling your Grandma you were sad didn’t kill her...and it won’t kill me. I know we’ve spoken about this before, but it seems like you might need the gentle reminder. I can remind you as much as you need._

_Whether you can speak or not, I love you. I want to communicate with you however you can. I want to be there and help. I am pretty indestructible. I have lived through some major crap. So, don’t worry about harming me with your worst stuff._

_I love you and I am so sorry you’re sad,_

_Pearl_

_\--_

_April 12, 2022_

_Pearl,_

_You are much more forgiving of me than I am. I always feel like I should consider everything everybody else might be dealing with before I even think about adding any of what I’m dealing with to their plates. It’s not that my parents ever said that explicitly, but I think that living with Dad being sick...it was just implied._

_That sometimes my life stuff would just have to wait._

_And in this case, I was glad to wait, because I wasn’t ready to tell him anything. Or Mom. Or anyone - except maybe Grandma. Major._

_She was the only grandparent I ever knew. Dad lost both his parents when he was a boy. Did you know that? Car accident. He was 8 then, when he lost them. I wish he was around now so I could ask him if he went quiet, too._

_Actually, I had some memories of him earlier today...silly things with Vader at first… But then… I remembered talking to him while he was journaling one time. I asked if I could read what he was writing. He mentioned you asked him the same when you were a little girl, and he told you, “No, ma’am” because his notebook had his private thoughts in it. He told me someday when he was gone, I could read it and find out all kinds of things about him. Secrets._

_He said he didn’t hate cars, even though his parents died in one. He mentioned avoiding riding in them after the fact for a while, but that eventually, that was not an option because of the bus boycott._

_I asked if he was forced not to hate cars and he told me hate’s a strong word. That I shouldn’t hate anything. But then he added something. He said that it’s our God-given right to protect ourselves however we must._

_I wonder what he meant by that?_

_I asked him why he ever started writing and he said it was because he wanted to remember everything._

_Maybe if we find his journals, we’ll be able to keep his memories, too._

_I wonder if Mom would be willing to share them with us...assuming she brought them with us from home in Colorado…_

_Sorry this is all over the place,_

_P.S. Do you think I could borrow Grumpy tonight? You can have the Dad-blanket, so it’s more fair._

_Love,_

_Levi_

_\--_

_Wednesday, April 13, 2022_

_Dear Levi,_

_Sorry, for the delay. It was getting late and I wanted to be my best to write you back - to be able to respond to everything you’ve said:_

_First, I hope Grumpy and the Dad-blanket helped you feel more secure last night. I know having him helped me, especially when I was little and struggling with feelings. (Plus, I definitely remember / know that you kept him safe all these years until he could find his way back to me, so I’m sure he’s missed you…)_

_I think it makes sense that you keep your own stuff inside more often because of how you grew up. And I so relate to implied moratoriums on subjects or feelings - or just our own business._

_You’re lucky to have had a grandparent you’re close to. My grandmother...I just...as a child, I was close to her? But as I grew up, it felt like she was just angry at me? And maybe resented me somehow? I can’t explain it. I’m not saying you’re lucky you lost her, but to have known her at all. To have had that type of relationship where you could share your feelings with her. Even as a child, I didn’t have that with my grandmother._

_Also, wow. Thank you so much for sharing those memories of Dad with me. What were the memories of you and Vader? That was your mom’s dog, right? Great Dane? Like Panther?_

_I teared up reading that Dad talked about me. That I was apparently just as nosy as I am now, and wanting to know his business. I guess I’m glad that he had healthy boundaries. (Also, I guess this means that what your mom said is true??? I could read at an early age…) Not that I doubt her. I just don’t have any firsthand memories of learning to read. I just knew how to read._

_Now, it sounds like I’m bragging…_

_I wonder what Dad meant by secrets? Did he mean, like, what your mom shared with me - about why he left me that night? Or are there more? As much as I am curious about him and his life it also kind of scares me a little to go uncovering more._

_It was devastating enough to receive that stack of letters and cards from him - after the fact - (THAT’S the relationship I didn’t have with my grandma, by the way…. She’s the one who kept the letters from me…)_

_It is interesting to learn about his childhood, especially since I only know a couple memories…. Never mind. I won’t casually drop your trauma into conversation. Suffice it to say, I’m not used to knowing much about a parent’s childhood._

_The only thing I learned about the Civil Rights era was in history books at school. I wondered if Dad lived through that time and what it was like for him, but of course, I was never allowed to ask any questions._

_And wow do I relate to Dad saying that he started writing because he wanted to remember everything. That reminds me of why I started writing, too. Even though a lot of what I wrote in childhood was not personal. It was about classmates at school etc. Safer that way._

_I’m a big fan of stream of consciousness journaling._

_Love,_

_Pearl_

_\--_

_April 13, 2022,_

_Dear Pearl,_

_Grumpy helped so much! Thank you for sharing him with me. It reminded me of being younger, too, and he did help me feel okay being grumpy, especially after everything happened in Minnesota when I was a child and everything..._

_I guess it is very special that I had a good relationship with Grandma Major and got to really know her and love her. Sometimes, I guess I take for granted what I did have, because I notice what I didn’t have. But she was a special person in my life. Thanks for letting me share about her and feel sad. I am glad my feelings weren’t too much for you to handle._

_I’m sorry you did not have a good relationship with your grandma. I wish you had been able to know her and talk to her about what was on your mind and in your heart. To be honest, when you shared about her hiding Dad’s letters to you, it made me remember hiding my real self from you. I relate to what she did, even as I know it really hurt you. Fear can drive us to do some really selfish things. (I’m still sorry for not telling you the truth about me.)_

_I’ll share more memories of Dad as they come up. I know you’ve said you want to know them and I was not really in the place to share (November.) But most of the time, I love sharing about him._

_Oh! That reminds me! You were wondering about Vader. Yes, he was Mom’s dog that she had when she and Dad met. Great Dane. He was lying out in the sun one time and Dad said, “There’s Vader, sunbathing.”_

_So, I just ran out, stripped everything off me, and rolled around in the grass, with the dog. He loved me. Guarded me. You know? Really took care of me. So we always hung out together._

_Mom was like, “What are you doing?” and I told her I was taking a sun-bath with Vader. Dad just laughed and laughed.._

_It’s kinda embarrassing. So please don’t share the memory with anybody else, okay? I only shared it with you because it had Dad in it._

_That’s too bad you didn’t get to hear many memories from your family about their past. My parents were pretty open and casual about sharing their lives. I always felt like I could talk to them (with the exception of their bigger trauma things.)_

_I am so happy for you that you and Dad have journaling in common. It’s still pretty new for me. But obviously you both found it helpful, so maybe it will help me, too._

_Thank you so much for thinking of this. It really helps to have a safe space to share with you._

_Are you okay with the last couple days and triggers?_

_I love you,_

_Levi_

_\--_

_Wednesday April 13, 2022_

_Hi Levi,_

_I’m glad Grumpy was helpful. Let me know anytime you need him. Blanket for bear is a swap I can live with, and it does feel fair. And I am so glad you were able to have Grumpy when you needed him in childhood, too. (But last night, I wanted you to have both.)_

_I hope I didn’t make you feel like you were being ungrateful about your relationship with your Grandma Major. It is so understandable and OK that you felt sad about losing her and about not knowing Dad’s parents, if you are. I was just mentioning that it’s nice that you had that type of relationship where you could talk to her. Not that you should feel bad about being sad about what you don’t have. That’s natural._

_I know you’re sorry about not telling me the truth about Dad. And though it still hurts, as time goes on, it starts to hurt a little bit less. The two situations (my grandma keeping Dad’s letters from me and you not feeling safe telling me about Dad) are not comparable in my mind. My grandma was an adult. You were still a kid. You didn’t have the full picture. I’m sure my Grandma (even if she didn’t have the full picture) had a more complete one, and still made the choice she did._

_Knowing what you know now about me, I feel like, you’d make a different decision, perhaps? Maybe you would feel comfortable identifying yourself? But you didn’t have that information then and I can’t hold that against you - especially knowing what my mom has done to you. How she hurt you._

_That is such a sweet memory of you and Vader. Thank you for sharing it with me. It brought the first smile to my face in days. Don’t worry. I won’t share with anyone what you’ve shared with me. To me, this journal is a sacred space. Like an extension of Avoidance - in that - what’s said here stays here. Please don’t worry._

_I hope you find journaling cathartic - but it’s OK if not. Maybe for you, something else gives you that feeling. You don’t have to do everything exactly like me, or exactly like Dad. You are so obviously his son. You don’t have to emulate him in everything for that to be evident._

_And...I’m doing OK. Writing to you these last 24 hours has been helpful. I feel bad. Like I’m being antisocial and maybe I should check in with the rest of The Avoiders soon here, to be sure we’re all hanging in there. But I so appreciate you taking this time to check in with me and make sure we are connecting in this time._

_Remember, please, that I don’t blame you for the cafe trigger. I don’t. At all. What does Fran always say? Mistakes are how we learn? The cafe was not a mistake...but it also wasn’t an intentional act._

_Keep me updated as you feel comfortable. How are you feeling? Able to settle any better? Anything you need?_

_Love,_

_Pearl_


	102. Relocation

After spending the morning journaling with Pearl, it hits Levi just how much he needs to check in with Mom and see how she’s doing. (He has a sneaking suspicion, too, that if she knows that they’re out here in the woods trying to make it work with no heat, light or electricity, she’ll be upset that they didn’t come to her.)

His first thought had actually been a motel for a few days. Split up among a few rooms. Enjoy the heat and the pool.

But motels cost money, and Levi suspected they were stretched thin as it was what with their impromptu trip out to eat and to buy groceries.

Not to mention when he did bring it up, Dominique’s eyes had clouded. “I can’t. I can’t do motels. It’s a trigger.”

So, that decided it.

There was no way they were splitting up and leaving Dominique behind here, or somewhere else by herself, while the rest of them lived it up in some motel.

Mom’s was looking like a better and better option.

He only wishes there were some way to give her a heads up instead of just showing up - the six of them, three dogs and a cat.

But Fran’s starting to get a runny nose. She can’t really maintain any kind of emotional stability because she’s so cold. Not to mention, all of them have had their share of triggers over the last day or two. It’s not good for any of them to be living like this, especially if it could be avoided.

“Guys,” he calls out softly as they’re eating lunch - cold cans of soup and bread or sandwiches. Having milk or juice to drink helps. As careful as they’ve tried to be, they’re down to one more day of granola bars for breakfast and that’s it.

“What?” Fran grumbles.

“I think...if everybody’s okay with it...we ought to go stay with my mom. At least until the power and the heat come back here. She lives on a main road, so I’m pretty sure her electricity is back up and running, if it was ever down.”

“So we can charge our phones!” Fran cheers. “Let’s go now!”

\--

They don’t go right then, but after a quick trip around to pack bags and bring essentials - like some food - so they don’t eat Mom out of house and home - and clothes and toiletries - so hopefully they can shower - they’re ready to go.

“Wait!” Fran exclaims as they’re driving. She’s sitting in the back next to Dudley and Panther. Jesus and Levi are in front.

“What?” Levi asks.

“We forgot the shower chair,” she worries. “I can shower without one, but what about Mariana?”

“We didn’t forget it,” Levi reassures. “My dad had one. It’s similar to yours and my mom kept it. So, if you’re okay using it, we’ve got you covered.”

“Oh. Your dad had a shower chair?” Fran asks. “So he didn’t slip?”

“Buddy. There’s all kinds of reasons we need accommodations, right? It’s not really anybody’s business why Levi’s dad needed a shower chair.”

“Sorry,” Fran hangs her head.

“It’s okay. It was so he didn’t slip. You’re right,” Levi reassures.

\--

Walking into Mom’s house with its heat and its light is like walking into a hug. “Hello?” Levi calls. “Mom? It’s me.”

_ Jeopardy _ clicks off somewhere in the house.

“Levi. Oh my goodness, I’ve been worried sick. Get in here right now. Come on. Bring your friends, too.”

He walks right into Moms’ arms. She’s so soft and warm and safe.

“Baby, your hands are so cold, and your cheeks, too. Let’s get y’all warmed up.”

“Sorry to just stop in like this, ma’am,” Jesus apologizes.

“Oh, don’t ‘ma’am’ me now, Jesus. Miss Nia’s just fine.” Mom says, going down the line and hugging all of them, who want hugs, exclaiming over how cold Fran is. How Mari, Jesus and Dom aren’t dressed for a blizzard at all.

“Looks like you got to the store,” Levi observes, breathing a sigh of relief. “We brought some food. We didn’t have much, but we didn’t want to eat everything you had.”

“Don’t be silly. Sit down and have some soup.” Mom invites.

“We had soup already,” Fran points out, her teeth chattering. She’s clutching her box of Z-bars, still bundled in the coat from Grace.

“Yes, but you never had my homemade chicken noodle soup before, now have you?” Mom challenges, good-naturedly. 

They all sit down around the table and eat. They find extra chairs after Levi and Jesus set up the dogs and Roberta to eat in separate corners of the kitchen.

“I’m sorry we couldn’t call first,” Pearl apologizes.

“Oh, honey, please don’t worry about that,” Mom says. “I’m so glad y’all came. Now that the roads are passable.”

“We haven’t had any heat or light or anything for four days, I think,” Fran passes along, slurping her soup.

“My goodness,” Mom remarks. “I bet y’all didn’t count on this, being from California and all…” she says looking to Mari, Dom and Jesus.

“No,” Mariana shakes her head.

“Definitely not,” Dominique adds.

“Hey, Levi said his dad even had a shower chair,” Fran pipes up.

Mom looks surprised, but says. “Yes. He did.”

“So do Mari and I. We forgot it at the cabin, but Levi said it’s okay because his dad already had one. I never knew anybody else besides us used a shower chair.”

“People need all kinds of things. All kinds of help,” Mom says.

“Yup,” Fran says easily. She sighs. “It’s so warm here.”

“Stay as long as you like,” Mom reassures.

\--

When Francesca’s in front of the TV watching  _ Wheel of Fortune  _ with Mari, Jesus, Dom and Levi, Pearl’s able to grab a spare moment with Nia.

“Thank you so much for letting us stay. I’m not sure what we’re going to do for sleeping arrangements, but…” Pearl shrugs. 

“Listen. My bed is very large, and it’s been far too empty for far too long. So if four of y’all wanna sleep there, I’m happy to take Levi’s room, and then we have the couch that folds out for Levi and Jesus if they’d like.”

“That’d be great…” Pearl comments, putting the cover on some leftovers.

“Are you alright?” Nia asks.

“I just… I was driving around the other night...before the blizzard and I… I found… I guess I found the old house? Where I lived with Dad? And I guess I thought it would bring back all kinds of memories, but it… It’s just a blank.”

“Well, honey, you were young,” Nia comforts her.

“Don’t buy a U! Buy an E!” Mariana remarks from the living room.

“Mari’s so good at this game,” Fran enthuses, having claimed one of the players (and their fortune) as her own.

“That and...I know my mother wouldn’t… She would never be on board with me bringing over a house full of friends and pets unannounced, so I’m just nervous…”

“Honey. For all intents and purposes? I’m your mother. But I am not  _ your _ mother. Understand? I love having you kids here. Knowing you’re safe and warm and fed.”

With Nia’s blessing, Pearl gets to work, stirring up a batch of hot chocolate on the stove.

“Levi and I have been journaling…” Pearl shares.

“Have you?” Nia asks, sounding interested. “How’s that going?”

“It’s helpful. I’ve always found it helpful, but Levi’s… I think it might be his first time? He did mention that Dad journaled quite a bit.” Pearl comments, trying to keep her cool.

“He sure did,” Nia nods to herself, sipping a cup of coffee.

“You wouldn’t...happen to still have those anywhere...would you?” Pearl asks. “I mean… God, that’s presumptuous of me, I’m sorry. It’s just...if you did have them. And if you didn’t think he’d mind. And if  _ you _ didn’t mind… Maybe sometime...we could see them? I know he wrote me. I also know I likely only got a fraction of what he intended for me to get, mail wise.”

“I do still have them. Of course, I have them,” Nia answers. “I can’t dig them out right this minute, but when I do, I’ll have the two of you over, if you like. We can look through them together.”

“That would be great,” Pearl nods.

“It’ll be quite a process. Your daddy, he kept journals from the time he was eight years old to just days before he died. Almost sixty years,” Nia shares.

“That’s impressive,” Pearl comments, pouring the hot chocolate into six cups. “You sure you don’t want any? Dad’s speciality. I mean, it isn’t,” Pearl corrects shaking her head.

“I was about to say, there is no way Paris would be at the stove stirring any fancy hot chocolate up,” Nia laughs.

“I’m a bit of a snob when it comes to this,” Pearl admits.

“Nothing wrong with knowing what you like,” Nia reassures. “Now. Are you okay? You’ve hardly sat still since you came in this door.”

“I’m...dealing with a lot. It’s a hard time of year for me,” Pearl admits. “You, too, Levi’s mentioned.”

“Yes, me, too,” Nia nods. Pearl wonders if she’s aware of just how her hand lights around her neck, coming to rest there.

Pearl can sense there’s nothing to say now. So they just sit and look at each other until the spell is finally broken by Francesca, who comes out looking for hot chocolate.

\--

The shower on Levi and Pearl’s dad’s shower chair is one of the best Fran has ever had in life. It’s super warm, and she uses old fashioned bar soap called Zest! It smells like man. But Francesca kind of likes smelling like something strong and good.

The shower chair was extra sturdy and shiny and clean. Fran was a little worried it might be dirty. But it looked brand new. It makes her feel a lot less alienish to get to take a shower on another person’s shower chair, because it just feels normal. Like, hey, people need accommodations.

The minute she’s out of the shower and dried off and dressed in warm pajamas, she thinks about texting Bella. Only she forgot all about charging her phone, because of the delicious soup.

“Do you need me to do your hair, Fran?” Levi’s mom asks when she sees Francesca after her shower.

Shyly, Fran nods.

Her hands are warm and smart, knowing just what to do. She apologizes everytime Fran says “Ouch.”

Before bedtime, everybody gathers around the kitchen table, even Levi’s mom, and they all visit and eat again.

Unlike Stef and Lena, Fran wants to talk to Levi’s mom forever. She seems like she really cares about Fran and her life. She seems like she really cares about everybody’s life.

\--

Nia loves it when her house is full. Paris loved it, too.

And making sure all Levi and Pearl’s friends are fed and warm and have a safe place to sleep warms Nia’s heart. So does having Panther around again.

“Y’all need anything?” she asks, stopping by the living room. (Levi’s made up the hide-a-bed with fresh sheets and blankets from the linen closet.)

“No, we’re fine, Miss Nia, thank you,” Jesus says.

“Good night, Mom,” Levi says, giving her a hug and a kiss. “I love you. Thanks for letting us stay.”

“You can always stay,” Mom insists, hugging him gently. “And so can your friends.”

“Are you okay?” he asks. 

“The neighbor ran to the store for me as soon as possible and I found things to do around here. Don’t worry.” Mom reassures.

“No, but I mean, Grandma… and all that,” Levi worries.

“It’s a hard thing, son. I miss her every single day. But I have you. And Pearl. And all your friends are dropping in on me to fill my loneliness. And I’d say that’s pretty great. I’m gonna go check on Pearl, Mariana, Dominique and Francesca now.”

“Hope my room isn’t too much of a mess,” Levi calls.

“Ha! That’s funny! Not a thing’s been out of place in your room since you were seven years old…”

\--

Dominique’s half asleep by the time Miss Nia makes her way in.

She pulls the blanket up around them. She whispers good night to Fran and Pearl.

Then, Miss Nia stops by Mariana and smooths the covers.

When she passes by Dominique, she stops, because Dominique is staring at her.

“I thought I’d have to stay in a motel tonight,” Dominique confides. “That would not have been safe for me...but now… This is the safest I’ve felt since being home with my own parents.”

“Oh, I’m so glad to hear that,” Miss Nia says. “You wake me if you need anything at all.”

“We’re happy to help you out, too, as long as we’re here,” Dominique offers. “If you need anything just let us know.”

“Levi and Pearl sure do have some good friends in y’all. The Avengers…”

“Avoiders…” Pearl corrects, tiredly.

Miss Nia laughs.

“We do. We do have good friends in each other,” Dominique confirms. “And in you, I think.”

“Well, you’d be right about that. Anything at all you need, you just let me know.” 

Dominique isn’t expecting it when Miss Nia drops a kiss soundly on the crown of her head. 

Or when she leaves the nightlight on by her head, glowing softly through the night.


	103. Coping

Nia’s up for hours by the time she hears signs of any of the kids moving around. She showers and dresses in the privacy of the morning before any one of them even moves. It’s after 10 AM when she goes out to the kitchen and prepares them a big cooked breakfast. 

Eggs, bacon, hashbrowns, toast. She’s got the coffee brewing and sets half a dozen mugs in the middle of the table.

Jesus is the first to make his way past her, shyly ducking his head on the way to the bathroom.

She nods a greeting, and he nods back.

\--

For a split second, Mariana has no idea where she is. The bed smells different. It’s actually warm here. And there’s definitely food being cooked.

It reminds her of so many moves as a child. Going from Ana’s freezing cold house to somewhere warm. Somewhere with food, but somewhere totally unfamiliar.

So.... It’s gonna be one of those days where her trauma’s awake before she is. Great.

Then, Mariana rolls over and directly onto Pearl.

Right. Miss Nia’s.

“Good morning,” Pearl greets, her face sounding like it’s squashed into the pillow.

“Sorry,” Mariana apologizes. “Bathroom.”

“Down the hall, off the kitchen,” Pearl directs.

Mariana gets up and blinks at the light in the kitchen. She follows Pearl’s directions until she hears Miss Nia’s voice:

“I believe your brother beat you to it,” she says kindly.

Mariana bites back the curse that wants to come. She thinks seriously of knocking and saying it’s an emergency. But she decides against that.

She waits at the door, definitely remembering an early move. A time where some faceless foster parent insisted that Jesus and Mariana take turns getting bathed. How Jesus tried to break down the door with his tiny four year old self.

How they both cried for each other.

How, when it was Jesus’s turn, he ran from the foster dad, and when he was caught? He threw up everywhere.

She blinks and the door opens.

Jesus and Dudley walk out.

“Hey,” he says. He looks like shit.

“Hey,” she says back, knowing she must look the same. She goes in and does what she came to do. Distracted in a good way by the small stack of Readers Digest magazines in one corner of the bathroom.

It’s a homey touch. One that suggests people are comfortable here.

She washes her hands, noting that Jesus left the bathroom as clean as possible. Not at all like he used to as a kid. When she used to go in behind him and clean up.

“Come and have some breakfast,” Miss Nia invites.

Mariana pours coffee.

“I’m a big dummy,” Fran whines, sniffling.

“Hey…” Mari greets. “We don’t talk about Fran that way. What’s up?”

“I didn’t even bring my charger…” Fran manages, blinking back tears. “So I can’t even check my phone anyways.”

Mariana’s surprised when Fran goes right for Miss Nia, wrapping her arms around her.

Miss Nia sits right down at the table and pats her lap. 

“Now. You listen to Miss Nia. Nobody’s dumb in this house. We speak gently to each other...and gently about ourselves.” she says, offering Fran a tissue to blow her nose. “Every single person makes mistakes.”

“But I make a ton of them.” Fran points out, miserable. “I don’t have common sense.”

“Buddy, consider the source on that one,” Jesus offers softly. “Brandon told you that, right? He’s not exactly where you wanna be getting info from. You know yourself way better than he does.”

“This has been a difficult time for y’all,” Miss Nia reminds. “Being cold and in the dark for so long. You’re allowed to mess up from time to time.”

“Except not really. Not at home,” Fran admits, with a glance at Mari.

Mariana nods.

“Well, messing up here is one-hundred percent allowed,” Miss Nia tells Fran. Mari’s glad.

She’s checking her own phone. There are half a dozen messages from Moms:

_ “Mari, please check in as soon as possible. Let us know you’re okay. Okay? We love you. Please take care of Fran, and each other…” _ Lena begs.

_ “Hey, my baby. I mean, Mariana. Doing okay, love? Call me, okay? Let me know you made it through the big blizzard,” _ Stef urges.

_ “Mariana…” _

The voice on the third voice mail has Mari’s heart tripping in her chest. 

Ana.

_ “Hey, it’s Mom,” _ she says.  _ “I saw your post on social media. Are you guys alright? Let me know. Isabella says hi.” _

_ “Hi.” _ There’s the voice of her eight year old half sister.

_ “I love you,” _ Ana says.  _ “Call me.” _

It makes Mari’s heart squeeze.

All of these messages make it seem like she is so loved. Is she? And if she is then why does it hurt like this?

Mari sends a text to all three:

**_Mariana:_ **

_ We are okay. Still no heat / power etc at the cabin. So we are staying with a friend’s mom in town.  _

**_Stef:_ **

_ Is it Carla West? Tell her I said hello! _

**_Mariana:_ **

_ It’s not. _

**_Stef:_ **

_ Oh, that’s right. Jesus was rude to her. _

**_Mariana:_ **

_ Fran’s OK. Her phone isn’t charged yet, but she’s good. _

**_Stef:_ **

_ That’s good. Thanks for taking care of her. How’s Jesus? _

**_Mariana:_ **

_ OK, too. _

Actually, Mariana has no idea if Jesus is okay or not. 

She suspects not.

\--

Jesus watches Mari text, like, five people.

He hasn’t even thought to check his own phone.

The shower had been epic, but now he can’t stop feeling that same Level 1 watchful feeling. Like, when He let Jesus shower. Walk around upstairs. Go to school. But the threat of violence was always hanging around. Could always happen. Anytime.

It’s bad enough that he has to fight the old urge to post up behind a chair at Miss Nia’s table and fix his eyes on some point on the wall.

Fran’s struggling. Jesus hasn’t even seen Levi yet this morning, or Dominique. Or Pearl.

Finally, he sits down in a chair beside Mari.

“How, uh… How is it?” he asks.

“The coffee?” she wonders.

“The voicemails,” he clarifies.

“Stef and Lena. Ana,” Mariana shares.

“Hold up. Why Ana?” he asks, on the defensive.

“She saw the picture on social media. Us in the dark that first day. She was checking on us,” Mariana whispers.

“Ironic,” Jesus says, bitter. “We lived in worse conditions with her, and she didn’t give a shit…”

“Are you…?” Mariana squints at him. “She was just expressing concern, Jesus. Stef and Lena haven’t exactly been safe either. You’re not pissed at them for checking in…”

“I’m pissed at everything,” he says.

“Well, eat something,” Mariana urges, pushing a plate loaded with eggs, bacon, hashbrowns and toast in front of him.

Hesitantly, he picks up his fork and starts to eat.

“Stef wanted to know if…” Mariana casts a glance toward the living room and then flashes her phone at Jesus under the table.

He scoffs. “Yeah, right.”

“Right?” Jesus asks.

“Hey, share with the rest of the class…” Fran objects, eating a big bite of eggs.

“It’s nothing. Moms checking on us,” Jesus tells her.

\--

Levi hates sleeping on the hide-a-bed.

He doubts Mom even gave it a second thought.

Still...this is where Dad died.

Not here.

It’s a different house. 

A different living room. In a hospital bed a million years ago...or yesterday...since he had to sleep propped up and it was easier access-wise for him to be set up in the middle of everything.

When he came back that next day? After Black Friday shopping? To the empty living room? His empty recliner? The same damn chair that’s across the room now? Levi had lost it. Destroyed everything. Trashed it all.

Mom wasn’t even mad. That was the day they went out for pie and coffee and just cried.

Levi burrows deeper under the covers. 

He keeps hearing Dad’s voice. His coughs. His laughter.

He’s so here.

And so not here.

It reminds him, in every single way, of why he had to get out of here.

“Levi? You want some breakfast, honey?” Mom asks.

“No, thanks, I’m fine,” he says, sniffling.

“You got a cold, too, son? Come on out of there, and let me see you.” Mom urges. “Oh…” she realizes, seeing the tears tracking down Levi’s face. How his eyes are fixed on the empty chair. “You miss your dad.”

Levi nods.

Mom wraps him up in her arms. “Of course you do,” she says gently. “There’s a whole lot about him to miss.”

She just holds him and lets him cry a while. When he dries his tears, she offers again, if he’d like anything to eat.

“I don’t know…” he admits.

It’s hard to know when he’s grieving, exactly what his body’s telling him. Like trauma, grief crowds his brain and takes up all the space there so he doesn’t have anything free to notice anything extra. Like hunger. 

It occurs to him, too, as he walks out to the kitchen, hand in hand with Mom: he finally stopped moving. Finally collapsed into a sleep so deep it stopped him in its tracks.

And then his body up and did this.

Felt all the things he’s been trying not to feel.

He looks up. Sees Dominique at the table, patting an empty chair beside her, her phone pressed to her ear:

“Yeah, we’re okay. This is the first chance I’ve had to call. But we’re staying with Levi’s mom in town now. So we’re safe and warm...and we’re eating well. Eggs, bacon and toast. Hashbrowns. Coffee. Yup.” Dominique nods to herself. “Anyway, I just wanted to call and let you know I’m alright. Love y’all.”

Levi sits down. Mom sets a cup of English breakfast tea in front of him, and shoves the toast plate his direction.

“You okay?” Dominique whispers, no doubt seeing the state of his face.

“Not really…” Levi admits.

He glances around the table for Pearl. Doesn’t see her.

Finally, she comes in, Cleo trotting at her side. Her cheeks are red and she looks cold. “Whew,” she says. “Even though the storm is over, I’d love for Minnesota to get the message that it’s spring…”

Once she’s taken off her boots and hat, Levi pats the empty chair on his other side for her to fill.

“Hey…” she greets. “You look like you could use a hug…” she remarks, sympathetic.

He nods.

Pearl wraps her arms around his shoulders and squeezes. “I love you. You know that?”

“Dear Lord, would Paris ever get a kick out of this…” Mom says, taking off her glasses and wiping her eyes. “Both our babies sitting right here at the table, hugging on each other.”

Levi glances away, but Pearl gives him a reassuring squeeze, like she’s reading his thoughts. His regret about not revealing himself to Pearl sooner, while Dad was alive, so she’d have the chance to know him.

“It’s okay,” Pearl whispers.

“Pearl, honey, Carla hasn’t called for you?” Mom asks.

The toast turns to sandpaper in Levi’s mouth.

“No… No, she hasn’t,” Pearl says. “As we’re still not in contact, and I have her number blocked, I don’t expect to.”

“Right, I know. I just figured. It’s a big deal around here...this blizzard...I thought she might reach out,” Mom says.

“Well, you and my mother are very different women,” Pearl allows diplomatically.

“I’ll say…” Mom comments, but she doesn’t say more than that.

Levi keeps his eyes fixed on his tea. He can feel all The Avoiders’ eyes on him. They all know what Carla’s done. Or at least, that she’s hurt and scared him badly. 

Sometimes he forgets that now Mom knows, too. At least, she knows Carla did something. Not what it is.

He glances up in time to see Fran take a breath to speak up, and Mari shake her head no at Fran.

Fran’s mouth falls closed.

Levi glances up to see Mom’s eyes, apologetic, fixed on his. He tries to convey that he’s not upset. That Pearl’s got a right to mention her mom. 

“Do I still have to talk to Dr. H?” Fran asks. “Even though it’s a blizzard?”

“I think it’s a good idea. You’ve got your tablet, right?” Jesus says.

“Yeah, but I didn’t bring it for that. I brought it for fun stuff. Like watching shows.”

“What shows do y’all like to watch? I’m in the middle of marathoning  _ Jeopardy _ on the Netflix.” Mom says.

A smile twitches across Levi’s face. He cuts his eyes to Pearl, who’s smiling, too. Probably recalling Dad saying “the YouTube” on Levi’s interview with him.

Panther rests her head in Levi’s lap.

Levi offers her a bite of toast.

Panther takes the whole piece from his hand and gobbles it up.

Levi smiles, even as the tears well up again. 

She’s Dad’s dog. She can have as much damn toast as she wants…

At least, Levi’s pretty sure that’s what Dad would say.


	104. Visiting

After breakfast and after the dishes are cleared up, Nia sits at the kitchen table. To her surprise, Mariana sits down, too - another cup of coffee in hand.

“You’re a fan of Folgers, I see,” Nia says with a gentle smile.

“I’m a fan of caffeine,” Mariana qualifies.

“Folgers Classic Medium Brew, that’s where it’s at for us. There’s all of these fancy coffee shops these days…”

“So loud,” Mariana bristles.

“Don’t I know it,” Nia shakes her head. “Suppose you figured out that my Levi likes a good coffee shop.”

“For the pie, mostly,” Mariana allows. “I go for the coffee. We have a really good one near us. It has all kinds of pie. Levi said… Well, he mentioned his dad would probably like it.”

“As long as someplace served pie, Paris was happy,” Nia grins. “But he was always comparing every apple pie he ever had to his Mama’s apple pie.”

Mariana smiles.

“ _ First time I remember having it, I was two years old, _ ” she intones, in her best version of Paris’s voice. “I told him, ‘ _ Paris, can’t nobody remember back that far… _ ’”

“I can…” Mariana comments quietly. “My moms doubt it, but I can… I can remember all the way back to when I was a baby.”

Nia’s silent, listening.

“I heard you doing Dad impressions,” Levi comments, coming to sit beside Mariana. He takes her hand.

“Mariana was just mentioning she has a memory like a steel trap. Just like your daddy.” Nia mentions.

“Well, I didn’t say that,” Mariana smiles, uncomfortable. 

“She can remember far back, though,” Nia insists.

“I know,” Levi looks at her, sympathetic.

Nia glances out at the living room where Pearl and Francesca, Dominique and Jesus are watching some show about a babysitter’s club on the Netflix.

“Francesca mentioned it’s not safe to make mistakes at y’all’s parents’ house?” Nia checks. “And I know Levi and Pearl went out to be with y’all last fall… Is everything alright?”

“It’s better than it was…” Mariana allows. “But not by much. I mean… I don’t know. I guess it is? But…” she trails off.

“Honey, I don’t know your folks. I know your family’s been in the news an awful lot. I prayed for your brother when the news broke he was missing. I was in the car with Levi...and Hagrid… God, I miss that old dog.”

“You were?” Levi asks.

“We were coming or going from preschool, I believe,” Nia tells him. “Anyway, I’m saying...you don’t have to put them in any kind of good light for me. Understand? You can be honest. If you want.”

“It’s not great,” Mariana repeats. “Definitely not like here. We really appreciate you opening your home to us…”

“It’s always open,” Nia says.

“It is,” Levi echoes.

“I never know what to say...when people say they prayed for Jesus. Especially since...I’m not really religious? I looked into it around sixteen, but Moms...they discouraged it. But I guess...I mean...I don’t thank everyone? But thank you? For doing that,” Mariana manages.

“You’re welcome,” Nia tells her.

\--

“Twelve is too young to be babysitting,” Dominique decides. “Look at them! They’re babies!” she exclaims, gesturing to the screen.

“Hey!  _ I’m _ twelve!” Fran says, indignant.

“And have you ever watched kids younger than you, by yourself?” Dominique asks.

“No...but that’s just because there are no kids younger than me in our family. Maybe when Talon is born, I can babysit him…”

“I started babysitting...at ten, I think…” Pearl ventures. “I always thought I was so mature and so ready to handle anything, but… Twelve...it’s so young…”

“Does it count if you watched yourselves as babies?” Jesus asks dryly.

“Babysitting yourselves?” Fran asks, worried. “How does a baby babysit, Jesus?”

“Try to comfort each other, I guess…” he ventures. “It’s all we  _ could _ do. Seriously? This Stacey? She’s smarter than I am now.”

“I know,” Fran nods. “I mean, me too.”

“How are they so business-savvy?” Pearl asks. “I mean… I know, I’m probably the only one here who’s read the books. The entire series. But it never occurred to me before. Like...they know a _ lot _ about running a business. And they’re not even in high school...where you might take a class about running a business.”

“I read the books, too,” Dominique offers. “You were into Karen?”

Pearl cracks up. “She’s so morbid here, I love it. I think I love all the changes so far… Seriously, if I’d grown up seeing Mary Anne as a mixed kid? I think that would’ve meant something…”

“I love Karen, too,” Fran decides. “She’s my favorite.”

\--

“Did you wanna share anymore about home?” Levi asks Mariana.

“It’s just weird… Having Stef and Lena...and Ana...contact me,” Mariana admits. “And I usually can’t even mention that around them. They get so pissed.”

“Now, I know Stef and Lena. Who’s Ana?” Nia wonders.

“Bio mom,” Mariana fills in. “Stef and Lena get pissed if we mention her. Because they think she’s a bad influence or dangerous or something… Like, I know she didn’t take care of us. But she’s still my mom, you know?”

“How did it feel? To have them all reaching out?” Levi wonders.

“Weird as hell,” Mariana sighs. “Like...lying, kind of?”

“How so?” Levi asks.

“Like, this inaccurate whatever of how it really is. Here’s my three parents all lovingly checking in or whatever… When usually? Stef and Lena could care less. When usually… Ana’s busy with her own family.”

“Sounds confusing,” Nia offers.

“Not really. My whole life is cognitive dissonance, so…” Mariana shrugs. “Levi? Are you okay?” she checks.

“It’s hard. Because I’d love for Dad to be here right now. I’d love for him to get to meet you. But I know...like…” He breathes and blinks back tears. “It’s because he died that we’re here at all. That I ever met you...and that’s…”

“That’s a hard truth to reconcile,” Nia says, sympathetic. “You’ve got a right to feel sad about it, son. You’ve got every right. You deserve to have your dad in your life.”

\--

Pearl is enjoying watching The Babysitter’s Club. (Finally! She’s ashamed to call herself a fan - what kind of fan waits almost two years to watch a show about her favorite book series from childhood…) But she keeps hearing Dad being brought up in the kitchen, just behind them.

Even though she’s been here before, Pearl keenly feels his absence this time - maybe because Levi’s so obviously missing him - maybe because Nia is. Their grief makes him more real. 

She makes her way out to the kitchen and stands in the doorway as unobtrusively as possible, until Nia pulls out a chair and pats it for her.

“Come sit down,” she says.

“I don’t mean to interrupt...I just… I don’t get to hear about Dad much. I mean, I didn’t. Growing up,” Pearl manages, with an apologetic look at Levi.

“Honey, you’re not interrupting,” Nia reassures. “We were just reconciling some hard truths out here.”

“Such as?” Pearl asks.

“I wish he were here...to see you...to meet The Avoiders. But the only reason you met me and I met them...is  _ because _ he…” Levi trails off.

“Right,” Pearl nods. “Mariana, you were mentioning Stef and Lena? Did you wanna talk about them anymore?”

Mariana sighs. “Stef’s so… She’s infuriating. I mentioned we’re staying with a friend’s family and she’s like…”

Pearl glances down to see Mariana’s phone, which she’s showing under the table. Pearl raises her eyebrows, reading Stef’s assumption that they would stay with Carla.

“She really has no clue…” Pearl manages. 

“It’s gotta feel lonely. To not have your family plugged into your life,” Nia offers.

“It’s normal,” Pearl and Mari chorus. They glance at each other and smile. 

“It feels weirder to have this…” Mariana admits.

“Yes,” Pearl says definitively. “Like...I love you...but...and…? It still feels strange to exist in a place…”

“Where we can just kinda talk...be?” Mariana asks.

“Because neither of you were allowed to talk...or be…” Levi fills in. He glances out at the living room and stands up. “Excuse me.”

\--

Fran has just sunk into the coziest old chair when Levi’s there.

“Hey… Could you...not?” he manages.

“What?” Fran asks.

“This is my dad’s chair,” he says. 

Fran glances around. “Well...he’s not here…” she hesitates, confused.

“Please.” Levi all but begs.

Fran rolls her eyes. “Should I not sit on the couches either?” she asks under her breath.

“Whoa. Francesca…” Dominique reprimands, glancing at Jesus, who’s sitting still, his eyes fixed on the TV, where they hooked up Fran’s tablet.

“What?” Fran asks, irritated.

“Respect. That’s what. And we’re guests here. That’s also what. So we respect this space. The people who are in it. And the people it belonged to before we got here…” Dominique clarifies.

\--

_ Josh was finally allowed upstairs. _

_ The light burned his eyes, but he could make out the huge, squashy form of His leather couch. It looked so soft. He just wanted to lie down on it. _

_ Gingerly, he sat down on the edge. _

_ He snapped his fingers and pointed to the floor. “The furniture is mine. The house is mine. The floor is yours. Got it?” _

_ Josh went where He pointed. _

_ Never made that mistake again. _

\--

Jesus blinks when Miss Nia walks out to the living room.

“What’s going on out here?” she asks, in a tone like she’s just curious.

“Nothing,” Fran grumbles.

“Honey, she didn’t know any better…” Miss Nia’s saying to Levi.

“I know,” he says. “It’s fine.”

“If it’s fine, why did you make me move?” Fran exclaims, hurt.

“Fran. It’s their right to have boundaries in their home,” Dominique says softly.

It’s messing with Jesus’s head. 

(Was it His right?)

“I should have stayed at home…” Francesca sniffles. “Nobody even wants me here.”

“That’s not what it is,” Dominique reassures.

“Come here, son.” Miss Nia says to Levi.

\--

“What? You’re gonna take her side? That’s dad’s chair. She shouldn’t have been in it,” he says.

“Yes, but did you explain it to her? I mean, yesterday?” Mom asks.

“No,” Levi admits.

“So, now she feels like you’re picking on her.” Mom explains.

“What about how  _ I _ feel? I don’t want anybody in Dad’s chair. It still smells like him, Mom,” Levi insists, tears in his eyes. “It won’t stay like that if other people sit there.”

“Baby, I understand. Okay? I do. I’m on your side. I don’t want anybody in that chair either. She pats her bed - the space beside her - for him to sit. “You and Francesca… Y’all are like siblings. Now you never grew up with siblings. But I had Nova, and Nadine and Naomi. We disagreed all the time.”

“I know, Mom,” Levi says.

“I know you know. I’m just saying, it can be hard to share space. Especially with someone younger. Especially if you’ve never had to.” Mom says.

“Any tips?” he asks, weary, wiping his eyes.

“Sit down with her. Talk to her. And let her know you all still love each other, even though you fought. Seems like with their family dynamics...maybe that’s not always clear…”

\--

Francesca wishes she could drive.

So she could get into a car and drive away from here. 

She doesn’t want to go home. But maybe back to the cabin? Maybe their heat will be turned back on, and Fran can just hang out there by herself. Not accidentally sitting in wrong chairs.

Dominique’s trying to make her feel better, but it’s not helping.

Jesus is just sitting on the floor watching TV, not even speaking up for her. Dudley’s nudging him like Jesus is in trouble. Fran thinks Dudley might be confused, because it’s a new house or something. Jesus seems fine.

\--

Mariana excuses herself from the table, when she hears Dudley whining.

She picked up enough from Pearl’s whispered explanation to know what must’ve happened. And because of that, Mari knows exactly how Jesus is triggered.

Mari crouches next to Jesus. “Hey...let’s sit on the couch…” Mari says.

“Leave me alone,” Jesus says.

“No,” Mari says back.

“These couches are really comfortable,” Pearl invites.

“Don’t bother, you’ll probably get in trouble,” Fran grumbles.

“Why do you think I’m down here?” Jesus asks, in a soft voice.

Fran blinks. “Wait. Really?” She slides off the couch and onto the floor, glancing around them.

“Okay,” Mariana says. “Let’s do some grounding. Where are we?”

“Minnesota!” Fran says.

“Very good,” Pearl praises. 

“So, there’s no way we could be...where, Jesus?” Mari quizzes.

“Super Hell…” he answers, quiet.

“Right,” Mari says. “So, sitting on furniture is okay. Just not Levi’s dad’s chair. Out of respect. Like Dominique’s been explaining.”

“Look. I’m on the couch,” Dominique says. “Roberta’s on the couch. Nobody’s in trouble.”

Mari offers a hand to Jesus. Slowly, he, Mari and Pearl all move toward the couch, until all of them are sitting on it. Fran comes, too, after Mari gestures to her.

“That’s because Levi’s not around to yell at you,” Fran says sadly, leaning into Mariana.

\--

“Hey… I’m sorry for not giving you a heads up about the chair, Fran, okay? I’m not mad at you,” Levi apologizes.

“Yeah, well,  _ I’m _ mad at  _ you _ ,” Fran shoots back.

“That’s fair,” Levi says. “I caught you off guard.”

“I didn’t even know about the chair!” Fran insists, wiping her eyes.

“I know,” Levi nods.

Mom walks in behind him. “This is a very special chair to us. Because it was Paris’s favorite place to be. We like to leave it just as it was. Just the way he liked it. Just the way he left it. When other people sit there? They don’t know all the special places Paris left things.”

“So, maybe they get messed up…” Fran admits. “I’m sorry. And I’m sorry for having an attitude.”

“Hey. It’s okay,” Levi says. “We’re all a little raw, aren’t we?” he says, getting down in front of her.

“Do you want me to just go back to the cabin?” she asks, forlorn.

“What? No. No way,” Levi says. “I love you. I know sitting in the chair was an honest mistake.”

“Another one,” Fran sighs.

“You make as many as you make,” Mom says, gentle. “It’s how we learn.”

“Buddy? How were you planning to get back to Grandpa’s cabin?” Jesus wonders.

“Teleport?” Fran shrugs with a small smile.

“You want a hug?” Levi asks. “So, you know for sure we’re okay?”

Fran nods and puts her arms around him. “I like you best when you’re not grumpy...but I guess Grumpy Bear would say you can have all your feelings… I just prefer it when we all get along.”

“I prefer that, too.” Levi says.

“What do y’all say to some lunch?” Mom asks.

“No cold soup!” Fran insists.

“I still have some warm soup. My famous chicken noodle. Would y’all like that?” Mom asks.

“Definitely,” Fran grins.


	105. Mistakes

Francesca is really hoping that Jesus and Mari will forget that she has Dr. H. at 6 PM tonight, but they don’t.

Even though Francesca purposely doesn’t charge her phone, her tablet is charged up and she jumps when it rings with Dr. H’s face just right there for everyone to see.

She glances around, a little panicky.

“Miss Nia?” Jesus asks. “Is there a place Fran can take a call privately?”

“Of course. You can go in the back bedroom, there,” Miss Nia points.

By now, Dr. H. has hung up and is trying again.

Jesus waves at her silently as she gets comfortable on the bed. Then, he closes the door softly.

“Hi,” Fran greets, a little breathless.

“Hello,” Dr. H. greets her, smiling.

Fran doesn’t much feel like smiling back. “Look at where I am!” she exclaims.

“I see you’re in a different bedroom than when we last spoke.” Dr. H. observes.

That feels like a million years ago, with Dr. H. asking her to draw and then saying she didn’t have to draw something that pleased someone else. Dominique had rescued her drawing from the trash. But Fran wants to keep that part private.

“Yeah, it’s my friend, Levi’s mom’s room!” Fran exclaims. “This is her ginormous bed!” she stretches out on it. “And this is pictures of Levi and Pearl when they were babies,” she aims the tablet. “And their dog.” Fran’s face falls, “Oops, they didn’t give consent for me to show those.”

“Well, you did a wonderful job catching yourself at that. And you’re doing a wonderful job at noticing what’s around you,” Dr. H. praises.

If Dr. H. were really with Fran inside her mind, though, she’d know...that right now, Fran is just trying to distract her from all Fran’s real feelings.

They do some boring breathing, and then Dr. H. asks where Fran would like to start.

Fran shrugs.

“You seem like you might be feeling sad,” Dr. H, offers. “Is that accurate?”

“I feel like I shouldn’t have even come on this vacation…” Fran admits.

“I see. What was happening when you had the feeling?” Dr. H. asks.

“Levi made me move. I sat in...a chair that was special to him and his mom...but I didn’t know that,” Fran admits, speaking quietly. She has to be careful not to talk about Levi’s private business.

“So you made a mistake?” Dr. H. asks.

“So, I  _ am _ the mistake. If I weren’t here, that wouldn’t have even happened. And everybody could just be happy,” Fran admits.

“That sounds like it doesn’t feel very safe at all. Would you like to share more? Is this the first time you felt this feeling?”

“No,” Fran shakes her head. “I feel it all the time.”

“You feel like your family would be happier if you weren’t with them?” Dr. H. asks.

Fran shrugs. Nods.

“So, if you feel comfortable… Go back in your mind...to the very first time you felt this feeling? Can you do that?”

Fran thinks back. There are a lot of memories to go through. They flip fast like scrolling through Netflix - too fast to really look close at any of them.

“I can’t remember the first time, because it’s happened forever. Usually, it’s when we go anywhere…” Fran admits.

“Such as?” Dr. H. asks.

“Like out to eat, or to the store, or anywhere where they, like, have to wait for me. Even a tiny bit.”

“What do they say that makes you feel like that?” Dr. H. says.

“That accommodation is not for you... You should have gone before we left the house… Hurry up... You’ll be fine if you wait at home while we go shopping, right? We just want it to be fast...”

“Tell me about,  _ We just want it to be fast.  _ Your moms left you at home while they went shopping?”

Fran thinks back...

\--

_ “Why do they even call it Black Friday?” Shane asks, tuning his guitar. They’re already done with their research paper on what would have to happen for the dinosaurs to evolve again. _

_ “Because it’s pitch dark out when everyone goes shopping,” Fran says, gesturing out the window. It already looks like midnight out. And it’s only after 5:00. _

_ “That makes sense,” Shane says. _

_ Then he starts playing his guitar. Just three notes and Francesca’s already giggling her head off. It’s his best song ever. One he wrote all by himself. _

_ He starts singing. The lyrics are not anything that grownups would like, but it’s part of what makes the song funny. _

_ “Shane Devin Kelly!” Mrs. Kelly exclaims. _

_ Shane gulps. _

_ She walks in the room and holds her hand out for the guitar. He hands it over guiltily. _

_ “Francesca, I think it’s time for you to go home, dear,” Mrs. Kelly says. _

_ Fran bites her lip. _

_ “Mom! What about our project?” Shane asks. _

_ “If you have enough time to sing about inappropriate things, you must be done with your project. Right?” Mrs. Kelly asks. _

_ “Yes,” Shane mutters. _

_ \-- _

_ Mrs. Kelly drives her home right then. Much earlier than her 7:30 curfew. _

_ “Thanks! Bye!” she calls and then she mouths, “Sorry,” to Shane and walks up the driveway as Moms hurry outside. _

_ “Hey, what are you doing?” Fran asks as they rush to the car. _

_ “Oh, Francesca! We’re meeting B and Talya, and Callie and Jude for a little Black Friday shopping. Secret Santa. Jesus and Mariana are still at Jesus’s. They said they’re doing theirs online,” Stef exclaims. _

_ “Okay!” Fran says, and rushes to cram her bag in the car. _

_ “Listen, we don’t have room for your bag, and we want this to be a quick trip. We don’t have time for you to go all the way upstairs to put your bag away and come back down again. We’re already running late,” Lena says in a rush. _

_ “You’ll be fine here, right? We just want it to be fast.”  _

_ Fran’s whole insides fall, disappointed. _

_ “Lock the door, and don’t open it for anyone,” Stef calls. _

_ Just like that, Fran’s alone. _

_ \-- _

_ She spends so much time just walking around the house aimlessly. She doesn’t turn on the TV. She doesn’t send any Polos to Pearl or Levi because they’re sad, because of their dad. She’s too embarrassed to even tell Dominique about this. ( _ Her _ parents love her. They wouldn’t leave her behind like this.) _

_ Would Timothy? _

_ Also? It’s not a quick trip. The time crawls by, sloth-speed. _

_ She has all the time in the world to think about how much fun Moms are probably having with Brandon and Talya, and Callie and Jude. How much fun Mari and Jesus are having with each other. Even Pearl and Levi have each other. Even Dominique has her parents. _

_ Who does Fran have? _

_ \-- _

_ “We’re back!” Stef announces, loud. “Hey, Francesca! Shake a leg! Where are you?” _

_ But Fran doesn’t shake a leg. Why should she? When they just left her here? _

_ She wipes her eyes and sniffles. _

_ Finally, Lena comes upstairs. “Hey. We’re back-- What’s going on? What happened?” she asks, confused. _

_ Fran glares at her, angry. _

_ “Honey, I can’t read your mind. What is it?” Lena asks. _

_ “You  _ left _ me!” Fran insists brokenly. “You literally took everybody else in the family except for me! How do you think that makes me feel?” _

_ “Mom and I are going to take you later in the week, Francesca. You’re going to get to go shopping. Don’t cry,” Lena says. _

_ “Yeah, by myself,” Fran sobs. “This isn’t fair, Mama! I’m always left out of everything, and now you’re even leaving me out of the family?” _

_ Lena smiles, bewildered. “Staying home from one shopping trip doesn’t mean you’re not in the family.” _

_ “I didn’t stay home. You wouldn’t wait for me,” Fran manages. “That’s so mean. It makes me feel like an outsider even more than I already do. Mama, I didn’t used to think I was good at anything. I didn’t even used to think I was pretty, until, like, this year…” _

_ “Honey, of course you’re pretty…” Lena says, kind of impatiently. _

_ “But I only just started believing!” she cries, her heart pounding. “And when I get left out...by my own family… It’s like...all those good feelings just go down the drain.”’ _

_ “Okay. I know you’re upset. I see that. I do. I promise you. We will make another trip. Just you and me.” _

_ “A trip by myself! The slowest kid! Everybody else already got stuff for each other, Mama!” _

_ “Well, I don’t know what to tell you,” Lena says softly. “You definitely are still in the family. I promise you, this was no big deal.” _

_ Fran just keeps crying. _

_ Lena eventually stops trying to talk to her, and leaves. _

\--

Back in Dr. H’s office, Fran shares.

“Mom, Mama, and Brandon and Talya...they even met up with Callie and Jude...and Jesus and Mari were together at Jesus’s. They thought I was at a friend’s house.”

“So, you were home by yourself? This is a few months ago? Christmas?” Dr. H. guesses.

“Yeah…” Fran nods. “They were doing Secret Santa stuff...”

“How did you feel when you were home by yourself?” Dr. H. asks.   
  


“Very sad and lonely. Like everybody rejected me,” Fran admits. 

“I see. So you felt sad, lonely and rejected by your family. That makes a lot of sense.”

“When they got home, Mama… She acted like it was NBD, but...it was…” Fran wipes her eyes. 

“It was a very big deal, Francesca, and you have every right to feel about it...and I can see why it would contribute to you feeling like you are the mistake in certain situations. But I promise you, you are not.”

“Yes, I am. I’m the common denominator in all of them,” Fran argues sadly.

“People treating you badly is the common denominator,” Dr. H. corrects gently. 

“Yeah, me, specifically,” Fran sighs. 

“Have you been able to talk to any of your friends with CP about this? Have any of them had this experience?” Dr. H. asks.

“I don’t know,” Fran shrugs. “I don’t wanna bring it up. What if I really  _ am _ the only one?”

“It’s your choice,” Dr. H. reassures. “But I want to tell you, Fran. The mistake that was made that night? During the shopping trip? That was  _ your parents’ _ mistake. Not yours. They should not have excluded you in that manner.”

“They thought it was fine because I got my own trip. But it didn’t even feel like,  _ “Yay, I get one-on-one time!” _ It felt like, “ _ You’re so slow, you need your own trip. Nobody has time to wait for you.” _

“I see. That makes a lot of sense, Francesca. Can I ask you a question? Were you able to talk to Mariana or Jesus about this?” Dr. H. asks.

“Mariana,” Fran admits. “Then she had a long talk with them, and she sat with me and held my hand. She said she knew what it was like to be left out. And she does.”

“So, would you say it helped to talk to her?” Dr. H. asks.

“Yes, but it didn’t change anything,” Fran sighs. “I was still the only kid who didn’t get to choose if I got to go Christmas shopping with the family or not.”

“That is true.” Dr. H. says. “Well, we are almost out of time tonight, but you’ve done some great work here. Is there anything else you’d like to share with me?”

“Dominique found my drawing from last time in the garbage. She hung it on the fridge when I consented. Sometimes art is for other people,” Fran challenges. “Sometimes that’s how we survive... _ is _ to make it for that reason.”

“That’s very wise. How did you feel, having your feelings and your drawing validated by Dominique?” Dr. H. asks.

“Like, I’m not a mistake. Like I actually belong somewhere,” Fran shares. “I felt validationed,” Fran says, proud.

“Well, I am very proud of you. That was some hard sharing you did. Today - and if you need to, this week - I want you to find someone, one of The Avoiders perhaps, to share your feelings with. Someone who will validate what you’re going through.”

“That’s pretty easy homework…” Fran wipes her nose.

“Take care of yourself, Francesca,” Dr. H. says, waving with a smile.

“The Avoiders will take care of me,” Fran promises, because it feels true.

Because it’s always felt true.


	106. Puzzles

When Francesca gets out of her time with Dr. H, it feels like she can finally breathe again. She goes to the table and sees that Miss Nia, Levi, Pearl, Jesus and Dominique are working on a puzzle together.

It must have 1,000 pieces.

Mariana’s sitting a little ways away from the table. She pats her lap. “Puzzles remind me of therapy,” she says, wrinkling her nose.

“Me, too,” Fran replies. “Therapies should be ashamed for all the actual fun things they ruin for people…” 

“Right?” Mari asks.

“Did you wanna sit out?” Fran asks.

Mari nods.

“Okay. They didn’t not-include you?” Fran checks.

“No. I said I’d rather watch...but I’m glad you’re back. How was the thing?” she asks.

Fran sighs. “I ended up talking about Christmas shopping...when Stef and Lena left me behind…”

“Oh,” Mariana breathes, sympathetic. “That was hard.”

“Yeah, because I felt like the mistake in the situation. She said I wasn’t, but I still feel it.”

“Because they still did it,” Mariana points out gentle. “And you haven’t had them do it another way to show you you’re not.”

“Maybe, yeah,” Fran admits. “What did you talk to them about?” Fran wonders. “That night? It took forever…”

\--

_ Mariana has actually never felt comfortable leaving Fran home alone with Moms. The only reason she goes to Jesus’s is because Fran’s at a friend’s house. Her curfew is 7:30, and Mariana will be back by then. _

_ But all it takes is her walking in the door on Black Friday to know something is off. _

_ She can hear Fran crying from down here by the door. _

_ Mariana rushes upstairs. Finds Lena just leaving. _

_ She narrows her eyes at Lena… Mariana swears, if they did anything to hurt her… _

_ “It’s nothing like that…” Lena whispers. “She just…” _

_ Mariana puts a hand up, stopping Lena. _

_ She wants to hear this from Fran first. _

_ Mariana goes into their room and sits down on the bed. She rubs Fran’s back until she moves so her head is in Mariana’s lap, and what happened comes pouring out. _

_ And it’s like… How is Fran  _ not _ supposed to feel like the problem is specifically her? How is she expected to not take this personally? _

_ “Olivia’s calling...for our thing with Moms tonight…” Mariana points out. _

_ “You talk to her,” Fran sniffs. “I don’t want to.” _

_ “Should I tell her what happened? So that she can talk to Moms...like on your behalf? Tell them they were wrong?” _

_ “Fine, but I don’t want to. I just wanna stay here.” _

_ “I mean...if you wanted to come...it’s about you…” Mariana encourages. _

_ “No,” Fran shakes her head. “I’m too embarrassed. I don’t wanna even hear anybody talk about it. I wanna forget it even happened.” _

_ “Okay, listen. Do you have a friend to talk to? Or a game you can play? Something you can do while you wait?” Mariana asks. _

_ Then, she makes sure Francesca is set up with snacks that Mari brought back from Jesus’s and her tablet where she’s talking to Isabella from school. _

_ Mariana takes a deep breath, feeling like she’s about to go into battle, and heads downstairs. _

_ \-- _

_ “Hey, I was wondering if you guys were having this tonight,” Olivia says. _

_ “We are, it’s just...a thing happened?” Mariana manages. “Moms...took most of the sibs shopping for each other. They made Fran stay home though, because they wouldn’t wait for her…” Mariana drops her voice. “She’s really upset. Moms don’t get it. Fran...she said I could tell you. Said we could talk to them...but she doesn’t want to be here for it.” _

_ “Got it,” Olivia says grimly. _

_ Mariana brings her laptop to the table and sets it down. _

_ “So...how was Jesus’s?” Lena asks. _

_ It’s awkward as hell. It’s been less than a month since the workshop, and they are so obviously out of their depth here. _

_ “Fine. Why didn’t you wait for Fran?” Mariana challenges. _

_ “Oh, honey. It’s not like that,” Lena insists. “You wouldn’t believe how busy it was! She would have been exhausted. There were no available carts.” _

_ “You haven’t answered Mariana’s question,” Olivia speaks up, soft. _

_ “Well...I guess because...we were in a rush,” Stef admits. “We wanted to get in and get out and not be held up.” _

_ “But do you see how a statement like that makes Francesca feel?” Olivia presses. _

_ “I know she’s upset,” Lena allows. “I told her I’d take her another day.” _

_ “But you asked us,” Mariana insists. “You asked all the rest of us. Even Talya. But you wouldn’t let Fran go? She has to have a separate trip? That’s rude. And discriminatory.” _

_ “I wouldn’t go  _ that _ far…” Stef laughs a little. _

_ “Excuse me?” Olivia says. “No mocking is still part of the contract, last I checked.” _

_ “I’m sorry,” Stef apologizes, sobering. “This must be one of those...cultural things…” she muses, like she’s lost. _

_ “Yeah, it must be,” Mariana says, her voice hard. _

_ “Mariana told you that what you did was discriminatory,” Olivia maintains. “So...what are you going to do about it?” _

_ “Do you hear her, first of all?” _

_ Just like that, Oliver’s here, too, sitting beside Olivia. _

_ “Do you acknowledge what Mari said?” Oliver presses. _

_ It’s hard to focus. The day it is makes it hard for Mari to keep her mind off Levi. He’s been on her mind all day, but she has to be present for Fran right now. _

_ “Yes,” Lena admits.  _

_ “Yes,” Stef says. _

_ “Did you apologize?” Olivia asks.  _

_ “I...don’t think I did…” Lena admits regretful. “I may have gotten caught up in the moment…” _

_ \-- _

“She never did apologize to me,” Fran admits, surprising Mariana.

“What?” Mari asks.

By now, they’ve moved back into Miss Nia’s dark bedroom and are talking while lounging on the bed.

“I mean...she did...but it was on that other shopping trip where I was all alone...and it was like,  _ I’m sorry if your feelings were hurt, but it’s hard being a mom and constantly feeling like we’re failing…  _ And I wanted to be like,  _ Try being us. _ ” Fran points out.

“Right, they have a choice about whether or not to be asses. We don’t have a choice in being disabled or not…” Mariana nods.

“Plus...she never really understood…” Fran sighs. “She never really tried to get it. It was just all about her feelings, as usual.”

“I’m sorry they left you,” Mariana apologizes. “It sucks.”

“Did they ever leave you?” Fran asks seriously. “P.S. I really miss my makeup from you, and having makeup time with you.”

“I miss that, too,” Mariana nods. “And no, they didn’t. But Ana did. When Jesus and I were babies. It was scary.”

Francesca moves closer to Mariana on the bed.

“It sucks when they leave, right?” Fran says.

“It seriously does.” Mariana nods, stroking Fran’s hair.

As they both drift off to sleep.

\--

“So, what do y’all usually do in the evenings?” Nia asks as they try to piece together Paris’s 1,000-piece London Landmarks jigsaw.

“We usually find some time to talk about our feelings,” Levi offers. “Wanna join?”

“I’d be honored,” Nia says.

“I’ll go see if Mari and Fran want to join,” Jesus says, but he’s back fast after tapping softly and cracking the door. “They’re asleep,” he passes along in a whisper.

“Ah, well, we’ll keep it down out here,” Nia says, lowering her voice a little. 

“Who has something they want to share?” Dominique asks.

“I’m, like, beyond relieved to be here...but it’s still hard, kinda. Being a guest in someone’s house. Reminds me of being young. Of moving around a lot, I guess,” Jesus admits. “Of not knowing what to expect.”

“That makes sense,” Pearl says. “You’ve had a lot of uncertainty in your life.”

“Is there anything I can do to help?” Nia asks.

“Well, like, Fran got in trouble for sitting in that chair and...it’s like...I used to get in tons of trouble for sitting on any furniture at all, so… It’s...just that one chair? Or?”

“That’s a great question,” Nia says. “I think I’d ask that y’all give a wide berth to anything that you see in the area around the chair, too. His nightcap’s still on his side of the bed. So anything there, too.”

“His toothbrush is in the bathroom,” Levi comments quietly. “The red one.”

“Right,” Nia nods. “But you’re welcome to sit on the other furniture. Any of it.”

“I don’t think the situation here is...exactly what we’re used to, Jesus…” Dominique offers. “In the past. Giving things space and respect is different than what we dealt with…”

“What about you, Dominique?” Jesus asks. “How are you?”

“Better now that I’m not so damn cold,” she nods, snapping a puzzle piece into place. “I like being here. It feels safe.”

“I’m glad,” Nia says.

“Did you wanna share anything, ma’am?” Dominique asks.

“I’m just so glad you kids are here. Helps me knowing you’re all safe. Gives me something to focus on.” Nia shares.

“Besides what?” Jesus wonders.

Levi looks at him. Hard.

“--If you wanna share…” Jesus amends.

“Years ago, when Levi was little, we had a break-in at my mother’s. We lost her some days later, due to the stress of it. When that time comes around again, it can be hard to be alone with my thoughts.” Nia shares.

Levi reaches out and holds one of her hands. Pearl takes the other.

“It’s nobody’s fault,” Nia says, giving Levi some meaningful eye contact, “Except for the people who chose to do the things to hurt people consciously. Understand?” she asks gently.

“Yes, ma’am,” he comments.

“What’s on your mind, son?” she asks Levi.

“What did you mean...we lost Grandma Major because of the stress of it?” Levi asks carefully.

“Well...I mean, she was 90 years old. Most folks that age aren’t built to go through an attack like that. It was hard on me. She hung in there as long as she could, Levi, but in the end, I think it was just too much strain on her.”

“I always thought it was me,” Levi breathes. “I told her I was sad...that day...and then we heard that she… I thought knowing I was sad did it.”

“Oh, honey. No. That’s not the case at all. She loved you so very much, and she loved that you confided in her. She loved being there for you.” Nia reassures, feeling surprise and grief coursing through her.

“Are you sure?” Levi asks.

“I am so positive,” Nia assures him. “You did nothing wrong. And I’m so sorry nobody explained to you.”

“It’s okay…” Levi admits.

“It’s not,” Nia maintains. “I love you. Both of you,” she says squeezing Pearl’s hand as well. “You’re pretty quiet over there. What feelings are you having?”

“Shock. Awe,” Pearl admits. “Watching you speak so openly to each other about a difficult subject. It’s like.. Mind-blowing. Another thing that just didn’t happen growing up. Or ever.”

“Except maybe when you were young,” Levi allows. 

“Right,” Pearl nods. When she speaks again, it’s quieter. “This is the longest time I’ve ever spent here. And even though I know Dad never lived here? His presence is… It’s like he should be here? Like I can feel him missing. There’s all this proof that he was here...but  _ he’s _ not here. Sorry, I’m not making sense.”

“No, you are. I feel him really strongly here, too,” Levi admits.

“You’re making perfect sense,” Nia says.

They talk until it’s dark.

She offers snacks: meat and cheese, beverages. They help themselves.

And then, Nia goes around tucking them all into bed.

She stops by Levi and Jesus first, asking if they’re warm enough and checking to see if Jesus needs anything.

“No, but… We’re not overstaying, are we?” he asks, nervous.

“You’re not overstaying,” Nia echoes. “I love you both very much, and I’m very glad you’re here.”

A whisper from Pearl had Nia going to her pantry and finding a package of Fig Newtons and leaving them by Jesus’s side of the foldout.

Coming around to Levi’s side, she just catches it when he whispers: “We did the London puzzle. That’s the one Dad got because it’s where Aunt Lonnie got her name?” he asks.

The hope in his eyes is shining so clearly. Nia sits on the edge of the bed and strokes his hair. “Yes, baby. Because Daddy’s parents named her London, and him Paris, after their dreams. Because they hoped their kids would see days and places they could only dream of…” she says, word for word, the way Paris shared it.

Tears shine in Levi’s eyes. “Why don’t we have a Paris puzzle, Mom?”

“I don’t know, son. We should fix that, shouldn’t we?” she extends a hand toward him, stopping just short of caressing his face.

Levi clasps her hand and brings it to him, closing his eyes.

He nods.

“Evening in Paris…” Levi decides. 

“I’ll find it,” Nia promises.

\--

Finally, she stops by their room. She carefully maneuvers the blankets so they cover both Fran and Mariana. “I love you both,” Nia whispers.

She stops by Dominique, who holds both arms out for a hug. And Nia obliges. “You sleep well. I love you,”

“Love you, too.” Dominique says, snuggling down under the covers.

Finally, she stops by her own side of the bed, where Pearl lays, facing the wall.

Nia takes a seat on the edge of the bed, rubbing her back. Pearl’s crying silently.

“Tell me about him,” she begs. “A happy memory. Because all I can think of is that I’m here now. I made it back...and he’s gone.”

“Do you know your daddy and me met because of you?” Nia asks.

“What?” Pearl asks.

“He was trying to keep an eye on you at the elementary school. In an awful green car. Watching through binoculars. Well, it had me feeling protective. So, Vader and I confronted him.”

“You did not,” Pearl whispers, smiling through her tears.

“Oh, you’d better believe I did. He was not a fan of Vader, he claimed. And Vader was not a fan of grown men spying on kids in schoolyards. Then he showed me a picture of the both of y’all. The one on your phone case. After that...well...you could say, I slowly came around to him.”

“Why would you confront him like that. You didn’t know me, or any of the kids at that school.”

“But I’m an adult - a safe adult, at that, like you Avoiders say - and that’s serious business. Not just a title.”

“No,” Pearl agrees. “Could he see me? That day, at school?”

“No,” Nia admits. “But other people caught glimpses of you in town through the years. Told him you were growing up fine. Looked just like him.”

“Other people like you?” Pearl asks.

“Maybe,” Nia offers, with a careful nod as she looks at Pearl in the eye. “You might just say that’s true.”


	107. Staying

The next day dawns cloudy and grey. There are still a few snow flurries coming down, but Jesus has pretty much decided, despite Miss Nia’s reassurances:

He isn’t going to stay.

Obviously, Jesus can’t make that decision for any of the rest of The Avoiders, but he can make it for himself.

He hasn’t touched the Fig Newtons, or where he slept (because Levi’s still sleeping.)

But he writes a note and creeps out to the table to leave it there, where Miss Nia will be sure to see it.

He’s on his way out the door when a soft voice stops him:

“You don’t have to leave.” Miss Nia.

Guiltily, Jesus turns around. “I mean, you’re welcome to leave, if you’d like. I won’t stop you. But I’d like you to stay here, where it’s warm. Where you’ve got food. And your people.”

“Right,” Jesus scratches his head. “I just...figured...maybe you were being polite? Last night? When you said we could stay as long as we wanted?”

“I was being honest,” Miss Nia says warmly. “Now… Would you like to help me out with something? What do y’all like best for breakfast? Pancakes? Or French Toast?”

Jesus considers this. “What do you have more of? That might be the way to go. Then you won’t run out.”

“I have plenty of both,” Miss Nia reassures. “What do y’all like?”

“We’re kinda...French Toast people…” Jesus admits.

“Perfect,” Miss Nia says.

Jesus finds himself hanging around in the kitchen while Miss Nia works. Finally, he asks, “Can I help?” and she gives him bananas to slice for toppings. Shows him where the butter, and the peanut butter and the syrup are.

These are small responsibilities. And instead of making him pissed off, as it once might have - the feeling that someone else didn’t think Jesus could do anything - instead, it makes him feel reassured. She’s not about to put too much on him at once.

Fran yawns and opens the bedroom door. “Morning,” she says. “Sorry, I passed out last night,” she greets, using one of Mariana’s favorite expressions.

(A pass-out sleep is kinda like an epic nap.)

“Honey, we want you to get your rest,” Miss Nia says.

Fran lingers near Miss Nia at the stove, craning her neck until Miss Nia moves a chair beside her.

“Climb up here. Pearl’s mentioned you’re a great assistant,” Miss Nia says, and Fran beams.

“Can I dunk the bread in the egg stuff?” she asks, her eyes shining.

“If we can figure out a way to get you to the sink to wash up, and you wash your hands real good,” Miss Nia explains.

“I can give you a lift over there when you need,” Jesus offers. “Just let me know.” He stops by the corner to feed Dudley, who snarfles down all his food in two seconds.

Then, Jesus takes him out to do his business, once Miss Nia has reassured him that they’re several minutes away from being done with French toast.

\--

Fran has never gotten to do the dunking before.

She is staring hard at the beautiful yellow egg juice. She takes the bread Miss Nia hands her carefully. She lays it down in the juice very gently like Miss Nia says to.

Then, she lets it be.

“You said…” Fran comments quietly. “I mean...you let Levi and Pearl talk about their dad a lot.”

“They’re allowed, honey. He’s their dad,” Miss Nia says kindly.

“But you even let Pearl talk about  _ her mom _ ,” Fran explains in a hush, turning the bread over with Miss Nia’s help. “You even  _ asked _ if she called Pearl.”

“Yes,” Miss Nia says. That’s it. Just yes.

“That doesn’t make you mad? Even one inch? That Pearl has a mom other than you?” Fran asks.

“Not one of us can help who our parents are. Being mad at Pearl because of who her mama is… That’s not fair to Pearl. Her mama is part of her. Just like her daddy is part of her. Shaming Pearl’s mama is like shaming her. We don’t do that in this house.”

“When I tried to talk about my bio dad, my moms...they got so mad...Mama hit me…” Fran confesses. “Right in my face.”

Miss Nia looks at her. Then reaches out to touch that same cheek so gently. “I’m sorry. May I?” she asks, pulling away.

Fran nods. And she leans into it.

“They yelled at me, and said they got to control me, basically, because I belonged to them and not to my bio dad at all. They never told me one thing about him. Only Mariana did once she remembered,” Fran confesses, quiet. “Do you think that’s right?”

“No,” Miss Nia says and blinks like she might have tears in her eyes. “I don’t think that’s right at all. You deserved answers, sweetie. Not pain.”

Fran sighs. “That’s what I thought,” she moves away from Miss Nia’s hand. “Anyways, that’s when Pearl and Levi both came to California and surprised me. It was last October.”

“Right,” Miss Nia remembers. “Panther kept me company. Did it help then? Having Pearl and Levi there?”

“A lot,” Fran nods.

“A lot,” Miss Nia echoes. “That’s good. I’m glad you have people who come through for you a lot.”

They finally get done with the French toast, and Jesus isn’t back.

“I can give you a hand. You’re just a little bit of a thing,” Miss Nia smiles. “If you don’t mind.”

“I don’t mind,” Fran smiles.

And Miss Nia helps Fran down from her chair, and holds her clean hand on the way to the kitchen sink. She turns on the water and makes sure it’s not freezing. And then has Fran make lots of suds on her hands, and sing happy birthday twice to make sure the egg germs are really gone.

When she dries her hands, Miss Nia hands her a tissue to wipe her nose.

“It feels like it’s gonna fall off,” Fran complains. “It’s so sore from all the blowing.”

“I’ve got a little trick for you. You go into my bathroom, and find the lotion on the sink there. You put a little bit on the sore places.”

“Really?” Fran asks, incredulous. “You can put lotion on your nose? My moms only made me wear lotion as the first step before makeup. Like, first face lotion, then foundation, then lipstick.”

“You’re pretty young for makeup…” Miss Nia observes.

“This was last year, when I didn’t even like makeup. Moms said people would like me better.”

“Well, I like you just fine, lotion on your nose, or not,” Miss Nia beams at her.

\--

Finally, they all sit down to breakfast.

Levi and Mariana are up at the same time, both looking tired, but pulled to the table at the thought of French Toast. Mariana pours fresh coffee.

“So...I’m thinking about heading back out to the cabin. Not to stay,” Jesus says, noting his friends’ alarmed faces. “Just to pick up some stuff and check on the power situation.” 

“If we have power, would you want to go back?” Pearl asks, curious.

“I mean… Not really?” Jesus admits. “As hard as it is, I kinda like it here. And I’m getting the feeling that it’s mutual?” he raises his eyebrows at his friends.

“Are you kidding?” Dominique asks around a bite of French Toast. “If I had the choice? I’d never leave.”

“I wanna stay,” Fran insists, “But can somebody get my charger. Oh! And my Kaboodle from Mariana with my makeup!” Fran asks.

“Sure,” Levi says. “We’ll make a list.”

\--

Jesus, Pearl, Fran and Dominique all decide to go check on things at the cabin. They also brought the list detailing must-have items that got left behind the first time.

That leaves Mariana and Levi at home with Miss Nia.

Mariana would prefer it this way. She loves the chance to get to know Levi’s mom. Especially since she never got to know his dad. (Especially since all of her parents are asses…) It’s nice to know good parents exist somewhere.

“I know Fran… She...told you about Moms… What they did to her?” Mari asks. “I wasn’t spying, I was just...I overheard.”

“It’s a small space, baby. Nothing to worry about. Yes, she told me. Sounded like it was very hard on her. No doubt hard on you, too. Are y’all safe now?”

“Safer,” Mariana allows. Levi takes her hand. (Her right. She loves that he remembers.) And she loves that Miss Nia isn’t the type to lose her shit over a little PDA.

“Safer?” Miss Nia asks.

“Like...it still sucks? But it sucks less…” Mariana explains.

“Are they still hitting y’all?” Miss Nia asks seriously.

Mariana blinks, shocked. “I never said they…”

“Honey...the Stefs and Lenas in the world...they don’t start with the youngest. By the time abuse comes to light, it’s usually been going on for sometime…”

“You talk like you know…” Mariana ventures.

“Paris and I had a few conversations on the subject…” she admits. She doesn’t say more. Mari wonders if that’s because it involves Pearl’s mom.

“Oh,” Mariana says.

“I’m sorry, we got off track. Did you feel comfortable answering my question?” Miss Nia wonders.

“Just…” Mariana shakes her head. “They’re not...anymore… But you don’t need to be violent...to leave marks...you know?”

“I know,” Miss Nia says, sympathetic.

Levi squeezes her hand.

“Sometimes… I… I don’t think they’ll ever care to know me. And that’s life...but it’s also hard as hell…”

“It sure is,” Miss Nia says. “You’re a person they should want to know. They’ve got the privilege of raising someone - three someones - who are pretty great human beings. It’s a shame they’re not interested in knowing y’all.”

“Are you okay?” Mari asks Levi. “Did you...wanna talk?” 

“I’m glad to listen to you. Unless you’d rather I didn’t. Then I can find something else to do,” Levi amends.

“No. Stay,” Mariana says. “Are things okay with you and Fran?” 

“I think so. Has she given you the feeling otherwise?” Levi asks.

“No, I just wondered,” Mariana says. She doesn’t add that his asking her to move nudged a pretty major trauma wound for Fran. It’s not Mari’s thing to share.

“I’m not mad at her. I did apologize, and I meant it,” Levi maintains. 

“Okay. I’m not mad,” Mariana says. “Just curious.”

“So, what do y’all like best about each other?” Miss Nia asks, easing the tension that’s sprung up between them.

“His hands.” The words are out of her mouth before she fully thinks through how they’ll sound. 

Miss Nia glances at Levi, eyebrows raised.

Mariana rushes to try and explain. “Not...that way...just...they’re, like, graceful? And I like that we don’t need words to talk. He just gets me.”

Levi’s blushing. “Okay, wow. Um...and I like...how deeply you care. And feel. And how if I need to go deep with somebody in a conversation? I can always go deep with you. But I like that we can just be together, too.”

Miss Nia looks at Levi, a little pointedly. “See? Mariana never once said she loved you for being perfect. And you didn’t say it either. But love is love when you’re perfect for each other. It was like that with me and your dad.”

Mariana gets the feeling this is a conversation Levi and Miss Nia have had time and time again...and maybe...this is the first time another person’s been in on it.

“...Call me out like that…” Levi mumbles, smiling. “And my perfectionism…”

“Well, I think your perfectionism needed to hear that,” Miss Nia maintains.

“Mine did,” Mariana admits. 

“Alright,” Levi nods.

“So, Jesus was ready to high-tail it out of here this morning,” Miss Nia confides. “And I meant to be more direct with him, but I don’t think I was. I’d really love it if you kids would stay on through ‘til Sunday when your plane leaves.”

“Really?” Mariana asks, surprised.

“Really,” Miss Nia confirms.

“Well...I think...we’d love that, too…” Mariana says, breathing a sigh of relief.

They have safety. At least for the next few days.

Mariana doesn’t have to worry about going anywhere.


	108. Chores

“You know, I mentioned to Miss Nia that if she needed help with anything around the house, we’d be glad to give her a hand,” Dominique mentions at the cabin. “I thought, maybe, when we get back, we could be intentional about helping her out.”

“That’s a good idea,” Pearl agrees.

“Because she’s helping us by giving us love and safety. So we should help her back,” Fran says.

“Well,” Jesus sighs, taking Fran’s Kaboodle from her, and sitting for a second. “Not exactly. We don’t owe people for basic needs, right?”

“Oh, right,” Fran says, slapping her forehead. “Duh.”

“It’s okay. But you’re right about this: When we love people? The help should move around. It shouldn’t only move one way all the time. Because that’s not very healthy.”

“So, I got part of it,” Fran nods to herself. “What can I even help with, though?”

“Well, we can ask what Nia needs help with and see what she says,” Pearl explains. “Then we can see which chore would suit each person. If any,” she says with a meaningful look at Jesus.

“What’s up with that? Why’d you look at me when you said ‘If any?’” Jesus jokes.

“Because I know you don’t have an easy time with chores. And if that’s the case, I don’t want you beating yourself up.” Pearl clarifies.

“We should head back,” Dominique decides.

\--

Jesus isn’t going to announce it or anything, but Pearl is right about chores not being his thing. It’s not like it’s a secret. Just, nothing he wants Miss Nia knowing about and thinking he’s intentionally slacking. He remembers Pearl and how she used to get seeing him not pitch in with chores.

Being raised by a single mom, it got under her skin to see him not pulling his weight. She didn’t know his history with chores, but it still stung.

So, when Miss Nia says she’s extended the invitation officially for them to stay through the end of vacation? The pressure ramps up.

Levi’s got a list of chores around the house that Miss Nia could use a hand with. The damn driveway is one of them, and Jesus can’t deal with the possibility of shoveling again.

“I can do the snowblowing,” Levi says, with a meaningful look Jesus’s way.

“I could change lightbulbs for you,” Jesus offers.

“You are the tallest, so that does make sense,” Fran says, matter of fact. “And what do you need help with on your phone?” 

“All my numbers come through without names, so if I don’t know the number, I don’t know who’s calling. I’d like to be able to see who it is easily. Do you think you could plug in names to those numbers if I gave you a list?”

“Sure,” Fran says.

“I can definitely Swiffer,” Pearl says, we’ll just make sure nobody has to go in and out of anywhere when I do. So no one falls.” She drops her voice and addresses Levi. “And just because I’m Swiffering does not mean I’m mad. Tracking in water, or dirt from outside is expected and I’m not going to get upset at you.”

“Okay,” he swallows.

“And I can do this vacuuming,” Dominique volunteers. “Especially...ooh, you’ve got a nice little vacuum! So light!”

“It’s gotta be,” Miss Nia agrees. “I can’t mess with those twenty-pound things anymore. That’s too much for me.”

Jesus’s eyes fall on Mariana still sitting at the table, zoned out. If it were him, he’d say this was Level 1. She’s listening, maybe. But trying to block it out.

\--

Levi sits first though, right beside Mari, and asks quietly: “Are you alright?”

“I’m exhausted…” she admits softly. “I just...I don’t have the energy for any of this…”

Miss Nia joins them at the table. “Go lie down in the back bedroom then. That won’t need cleaning. Just take it easy.”

“But everybody else…” Mari objects.

“I have plenty of help. And you’re helping me and yourself by resting. I don’t want you pushing yourself beyond what you’re able to do. I tried telling Paris that resting’s productive. He always had something to say back.”

_ “What’s it produce?”  _ Levi intones, in a voice that’s a little deeper, a little hoarser.  _ “It doesn’t yield a damn thing.” _

“But it does,” Levi nods, as himself again. “So, go rest. Please,” he urges, pressing Mari’s hand to his lips.

She blushes and excuses herself, heading to the bedroom and closing the door.

\--

_ “Hey Mariana, this is Christian Walker. My mom said to send you a Polo. They’re out at your cabin, and no one’s home. Are you guys okay? Please let us know. Okay. Bye.” _

\--

To be honest, Dominique isn’t sure how it will work, doing chores here. Doing them at home has always been too much to deal with. Something she needs support for. 

She’d thought vacuuming would be doable. One chore. But there are so many rooms - even the kitchen is carpeted - and it doesn’t take long for her to just stand by, holding onto the vacuum.

Jesus walks by with lightbulbs. “Tough day?” he asks.

Dominique laughs, sheepish. “I...don’t know where to start. So, I guess, I just...I’m here…”

“Why don’t you start with the living room, baby?” Miss Nia asks. “That’s far away from the back room where Mariana’s resting. I’m gonna get Francesca set up with my phone and my list, and then I’m gonna do some laundry.”

“Can I steer clear of that?” Jesus asks. “Detergent it’s...kind of a trigger for me?”

“I can close the door here. The lightbulbs I need replaced are in the kitchen and in the entryway here. I can get you a step stool whenever you’re ready.”

“Thanks,” Jesus says.

And it’s a little chaotic, even though Levi’s outside, even though Mari’s asleep, and Pearl can’t be seen right now. With Fran saying names out loud to herself, with Dominique vacuuming and knowing that Miss Nia’s about to do laundry. Well, it’s just chaotic enough.

He might need to call time. 

But to who? And where would he go?

Dudley’s beside him, on the ground, as Jesus climbs the small step stool up to the first light.

“Jesus, Pearl and Levi’s dad’s name is Paris, right?” Fran asks.

“I think so,” Jesus answers.

“There’s a Paris in Miss Nia’s phone list. Should I put his name and number in anyways?” she asks. “Or will it make her sad?”

“If it’s on the list, I think she wants it in her phone,” Jesus says.

“Oh, okay,” Fran nods to herself.

\--

It doesn’t take long for Pearl to realize that there just...are no surfaces to Swiffer in this house. At second glance, only vacuuming is mentioned, but growing up how Pearl had vacuuming / Swiffering had always been listed together. 

Nia doesn't even own a Swiffer - something Pearl was embarrassed to realize after checking every closet. All the rooms here are carpeted. Which is ideal for people with mobility concerns, but it leaves Pearl without a job. 

And being without a job is kind of an unsafe feeling for her.

So, she hunts for one. She opens the cabinet under the sink and finds cleaning supplies. She goes to work on the sink, and the mirror. The shower. Then the toilet.

What with how efficient she is, it would be easy to assume the task is meditative. But really, Pearl is up to her eyeballs in trauma. With the need to stay busy. It doesn’t help that this is Levi’s mother’s house. Because her own mother’s house was ground zero for cleaning trauma.

If she was home, and Mom was working? The expectation was that Pearl be cleaning. If the house was not clean when Mom walked in it? Pearl braced herself. She always tried to at least appear busy when her mom was around. But being alone in the house was the only time she really felt at home. She could breathe. Watch her own shows. Eat what she wanted without getting nitpicked.

Half the time, Pearl didn’t notice a mess her mom thought was huge and unsightly. A few dishes in the sink? Laundry stacked in hampers? These things were unacceptable.

So, she learned to just never sit down. To always keep moving. Now, she shined Nia’s bathroom within an inch of its life. She left Cleo out to the rest of the house - not wanting her to breathe in the chemicals.

But that meant Pearl was largely on her own managing shaking hands, shortness of breath, and all kinds of unpleasant symptoms.

It isn’t until Francesca knocks that Pearl snaps out of it and realizes she’s still scouring the shower, after who-knows how many rounds with the Scrubbing Bubbles.

“Can I come in?” Fran asks.

Pearl opens the door.

Fran blinks and coughs. “Never mind, I’ll go to the other one,” she says.

When the fresh air hits, Pearl realizes it’s possible she’s gone a little overboard here.

She puts the cleaning supplies away and tries to be at peace with the way things are.

\--

Levi’s alone outside and doing his best to snowblow without daydreaming. Snowblowing is much easier than shoveling, but he loses time out here. It’s like...being outside. Being in nature. It lets his mind wander.

Seeing Fran come in with her makeup case had Levi’s heart just longing to experiment with it again. And while he knows that Dad got a kick out of him dressing up for Halloween, Levi doesn’t know how he’ll feel (or how Mom will feel) about him wearing makeup on a regular day.

They’re kind of old-school folks.

Levi focuses again on the task at hand, grateful to have something to occupy him that isn’t inside the house with Pearl wanting to Swiffer. (He wonders what she’ll even find in there to Swiffer…) but didn’t stick around to find out.

When he’s done, Levi heads back in the house. He finds the little door off the kitchen to the laundry room closed. And Pearl in the kitchen, cooking.

“What’s up?” Levi asks.

“Your mom’s doing laundry. I thought I’d make lunch…” Pearl says.

Levi’s eyes fall on Pearl’s hands. They’re shaking.

“But...you’re not okay…” Levi ventures.

“I will be,” Pearl insists.

“You look...off…” Levi observes. “Stop stirring this, and come sit down.”

They walk to the living room where Francesca’s sprawled playing an old Wheel of Fortune video game that runs on batteries. She’s figured out how to turn the sound off, which is good. Levi knows for a fact that thing is loud.

Pearl sits on the couch and Levi squats in front of her.

“What’s happening right now?” he asks softly.

“Cleaning trauma, I guess,” Pearl admits.

“Jesus has that,” Fran passes along. “It means you need a break.”

Levi scopes out the kitchen and sees Jesus has taken over for Pearl at the stove.

He wonders where Mom and Dominique are.

\--

Dominique could live in this tiny warm alcove with the washer and dryer. And the cozy accordion door. It smells like Snuggle Fabric Softener. The bear on the jug is a-freaking-dorable.

She and Miss Nia quietly sit side by side and fold piles of laundry.

“You remind me of someone…” Dominique confides shyly. “I was real close to my grandma, but we didn’t get to spend a ton of time together...and then… Well, there was this other person you remind me of?”

Miss NIa keeps folding, but says, “Mm-hmm?” so Dominique knows she’s listening.

“I didn’t really know her. But she noticed me. And she just...gave off these vibes… These safe grandmotherly vibes. They’re the same vibes I get from you,” Dominique shares, folding one of Francesca’s shirts and putting it in a pile.

“Well, I’ll take that as a compliment,” Miss Nia smiles.

“It is,” Dominique nods. “Listen, I’m sorry I only vacuumed your living room. Solo chores aren’t really my jam.”

“They’re not really my jam either, baby,” Miss Nia says. “I miss having someone by my side like this.”

“I’m happy to be,” Dominique says, leaning against Miss Nia’s arm.

“I’m happy you’re here,” Miss Nia says, kissing the top of Dominique’s head. “I don’t really mind if my house is vacuumed. I mind that y’all are safe. That’s all that matters.”

Dominique sighs, feeling tears come. 

She’s so relieved.


	109. Kindnesses

Jess has decided to head back out to the cabin to make sure Mariana and her friends are okay.

It’s the last thing she expects to find it empty. She checks her pocket for her phone and doesn’t find it.

Damn it.

“Hey, AJ? Text Christian and tell him… Never mind. Can I use your phone?”

“Why didn’t you bring your own phone?” AJ wonders.

“Because I forgot. Now, please,” Jess insists. “This is important.”

AJ sighs and hands it over.

Jess calls Christian right then: “Hey, can you do me a favor and send Mariana a Polo? I’m at their cabin with AJ...and no one is here. It’s dark. No cars in the drive or next door.”

“Maybe they’re at a hotel?” he asks.

“Maybe. Still, I wanna check, and I forgot my phone.” Jess says. “Can you?”

“Yeah, I’ll find it and send one… Are you guys okay? How are the roads?”

“They’re fine. I stopped to ask, though, and there still isn’t any power out here. So, I’m worried…”

“Right,” Christian says. “I’ll do that.”

\--

Mariana wakes up in time to eat some lunch. It’s tuna helper. Not her favorite. Not anything she’d pick. But these days? She’s not being picky about what food she has access to.

She’s glad to have any at all.

She tries not to feel guilty for sleeping through chores, but no one seems to mind. Miss Nia doesn’t even mention it.

Mariana wishes her nap helped with her energy situation, but it really hasn’t. She’d usually try to jump in and do some dishes to make up for her lack of help earlier in the day, but she can’t muster anything that requires her to stand, much less load a dishwasher.

She checks out her phone, intrigued by the Polo left by Jess. (She sees immediately that it’s not Jess.)

Mariana wonders who exactly is out at the cabin with Jess if Christian is back at their house?

There’s also a Polo from Elise:

_ “Hi. Just checking to make sure you guys are warm enough and okay. Please let us know if we can do anything. There’s apparently still no power on your road…” _

Mariana steps back into Miss Nia’s room and closes the door before she messages them back.

“Hey…” she says, tired. “Sorry, I should have messaged. We’re at Levi’s mom’s, in town. She has heat. And light. And food. So we’re all okay. Thanks for checking in.”

\--

Dominique is still staying close to Miss Nia. It’s nice, having someone around who gets that she needs support (and who needs support, too.)

She’s trying to spare Jesus the sight or smell of any clean laundry, but it’s hard. They keep crossing paths, even though she tries not to. Even though she’s basically trailing Miss Nia wherever she goes.

“Hey...are you…?” Dominique asks, losing track of Miss Nia, because Jesus is just...here...standing in the kitchen.

She stops, seeing Jesus behind a chair, just standing. “What are you doing?”

“Nothing,” Jesus denies, but he won’t look at her.

Dudley’s whining.

In seconds, Fran is up from her game in the living room and making her way to the kitchen. She pushes between him and Dominique.

“Jesus. You don’t have to,” Fran says seriously. “Sit down, okay?”

Dominique’s surprised when he looks like he’s about to sit on the floor. She deftly slides a chair under him.

“We can sit on the furniture,” she tells him. “It’s just the one chair in the living room that they asked us not to sit in because it’s got memories in it,” Dominique reminds.

“What’s going on out here?” Miss Nia wonders.

“I’m done,” Jesus says, jumping to his feet and standing stiffly again.

“Thank you. You did a fine job with those lightbulbs,” Miss Nia says. “You’re welcome to sit down,” she says.

And Jesus does. Dominique can see his legs are shaking.

“Are you okay?” she asks lowly.

“Things get...how do you put it? Blurry? With chores?” he explains. “With being a guest in someone’s house? It kinda...can put me back in an old mindset…”

“I can see that…” Dominique murmurs, concerned.

Francesca has disappeared and comes back with Jesus’s yellow blanket and a box of Junior Mints, which she gives him.

“Do you have water?” she asks Miss Nia.

“You can get some from the sink,” Miss Nia tells her. “Or do you need a hand?”

“What about a water bottle?” Fran asks. “Like...water that comes in an actual bottle…”

“Bottled water,” Dominique realizes.

“You guys don’t have to do this,” Jesus denies.

“Shut up. Yes, we do,” Fran tells him, and then claps a hand over her mouth. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean shut up. I’m sorry.”

Fran looks on the verge of tears.

Dominique is torn. Mariana’s in the bedroom, Levi and Pearl are in the living room talking. She’s not sure if leaving Jesus alone with Miss Nia would be better or worse than staying herself.

“Thank you for apologizing,” Miss Nia says gently. “And remembering that we don’t speak unkindly to each other here. We love Jesus in this house, don’t we?”

Fran nods, sad. “I didn’t mean to say it. I was just scared, and I wanted you to have water. You can talk, Buddy, I promise.”

“I know…” Jesus manages. “It’s okay. I know you didn’t mean it.”

“I’ll stay with you,” Fran offers, sitting down in a chair next to him.

“And why don’t you come with me?” Miss Nia invites softly, speaking to Dominique.

\--

They go to Levi’s room. Which is strange, but not bad. It’s very clean, and very nerdy, which makes Dominique really happy.

Except she’s not exactly happy now.

“You alright?” Miss Nia asks, once the door is shut. Roberta has followed them in and is eyeing Dominique curiously.

“No...I…” Dominique breathes out a shaky breath. “I hate not knowing what to do? What choice to make? In a situation where there is no choice?”

Dominique’s voice is small and thin. She’s shaking.

“Dominique? It’s Miss Nia. And everything is just fine. Everybody’s safe. No matter what choice you make? Everybody’s gonna just keep right on being safe.”

Tears fall down Dominique’s cheeks. She shakes her head. Thinks of Roberta guarding her in a bathroom all those years ago - buying her enough time to call for help. Of the man on the other side threatening her.

“It felt like...I could stay with Jesus and make sure he was safe...or go with Fran and take care of her...so she was safe…” Dominique explains.

“But what about an option that keeps you safe?” Miss Nia asks gently, rubbing her back.

Dominique shrugs, feeling helpless.

“This is that third option, baby. Look around you,” Miss Nia urges. “You and me. We’re safe right now. Jesus and Fran are safe right now. Because this is a safe place. What makes it so? Is that all the people who occupy it? We’re safe folks. Or safe folks in training - Francesca’s pretty young yet.”

“Right,” Dominique nods and sniffles. “I’m sorry. For falling apart.”

“There’s no shame in needing support. None at all,” Miss Nia asks.

They sit for a while. Miss Nia eventually moves all the way up onto the bed, and Dominique follows just leaning against her.

They stay that way for the longest time.

Then, once Roberta’s happily purring in Dominique’s lap and her tears have stopped falling, Miss Nia asks, “Now. Y’all wanna watch  _ Jeopardy  _ with me?”

“I should warn you…” Dominique laughs through her stuffy nose. “I am very good at quiz shows.”

“Well, come on then. I could use some competition.”

\--

Levi’s concerned, to say the least. He stays with Pearl, but he’s curious about Mariana, who went back into Mom’s room after lunch. And Dominique and Jesus and Fran, who all looked upset too for different reasons.

But he stays with Pearl, because what message would it send to his sister if he just left her right now?

That thought has his heart wincing at the memory of Jesus’s words. About Dad. And leaving people. Again. Levi wonders when that will stop happening.

Pearl’s at least, a little calmer. Between Panther and Cleo, she’s distracted and entertained enough to kind of share with him some of what cleaning does to her.

“It’s like a mind game?” she offers. “I mean...I don’t know if it was an intentional one? Or if… God, you don’t want to hear this. It’s so directly tied to your trauma…”

“Let me decide that,” Levi says matter of fact. “Cleaning is like a mind game?”

“Even if I thought everything was done? She’d find  _ something _ . She’d make me feel so bad about it. Like I was the worst person in the world. And it was...like...we were the only two there?” she says, in a strange hollow way.

“...So, if she did anything...only you and her would know…” Levi fills in, knowing.

“Right,” Pearl nods. “It was...very scary...and very lonely. And I know this isn’t like that...but it can feel...very much like that.”

“I get it,” Levi nods.

“Who all wants to watch Jeopardy?” Mom asks, walking in at that moment with Dominique glued to her side. “Dominique tells me she’s an ace at quiz shows.”

“That sounds like a challenge,” Pearl says, drying her tears. “Because I am definitely great at quiz shows.”

“I’m not,” Jesus says, coming in.

“We’re good at Wheel of Fortune,” Fran adds.

Levi finds a spot on the other side of Mom, and leans against her. It feels good and right, especially when Mariana joins them. And then it’s obvious who is really good at obscure facts:

_ “This 5-letter word is Spanish for beach; it's also the sandy flat floor of a desert basin…” _

“What is playa,” Mariana shouts out when Alex Trebek is halfway through the question.

“Whoa,” Francesca says. “You’re so smart.”

Mariana shrugs. “We’re half Latinx. Spanish is probably our first language…”

“You’re still smart,” Fran insists. 

\--

“You okay?” Mari asks Jesus when Miss Nia mutes the commercials.

“I guess… Why?” Jesus asks.

“Because...he hasn’t taken his head off your lap…” she gestures to Dudley. “And you look...kind of wooden…”

“That’d be accurate…” he says. “The damn chores and the damn laundry had me standing behind the chair earlier…” he confesses. “And then Fran told me to shut up…”

“What?” Mariana asks, eyes flashing.

“It was the heat of the moment. She was scared. She apologized right away, but it…” Jesus shrugs.

“Did you get food and water?” she checks.

“And this,” he gestures to his yellow blanket, draped over his shoulders. “Fran helped out. She was good.”

“Good. Jess and Elise...they were worried about us. I had Polos. Apparently there’s still no heat out there…” Mariana confides.

“Well, good thing we’re warm in here,” he says.

“Are you guys gonna do support group things tonight?” Fran asks. “Because I really want to hang out with Miss Nia, just us. If you want to,” she adds with a meaningful look at Miss Nia.

“Of course, I wanna hang out with you,” Miss Nia agrees. “Maybe you can help me out on a secret mission I have. What do you say?”

“I’m the best at secret missions! I’m so good at spying on people!” Fran gushes.

Miss Nia laughs. “Well, that’s not this mission. I’ll share it with you tonight, when all the rest of the Avoiders are busy.”

She winks at Fran, and Mari can see that Fran is beside herself with joy.

She’s glad, what with the memory of getting left behind by moms being brought up recently. She’s glad that Fran can enjoy being picked especially as the one to come along on a secret mission.

“I love this day,” Fran tells the room at large. “I love this day and this house and everything so much.”

“Everything in it loves y’all so much, too,” Miss Nia promises.

And Mariana has to swallow the lump in her throat.


	110. Missions

“When you go,” Mari begins, talking to Fran seriously. “Listen to Miss Nia.”

“Mari, I know… I know all this already. You don’t need to tell me,” Fran says, impatient.

“But I do need to tell you. If anything happens, and you feel unsafe or whatever? Text one of us and we’ll come for you.”

“Miss Nia wouldn’t do anything wrong to me. She loves me,” Fran says, her eyes dark.

“I know...but just in case...like...if you got separated from her accidentally… Also, do not give her a break from you. No leaving and hiding…”

“I know,” Fran sighs. “I know not to do that, I haven’t even done it since I was eleven…”

“You were eleven last month,” Mariana points out.

“So?” Fran objects. “Please just let me go have a good time like a normal kid. Tell me to have fun, and you’ll see me later.”

“Have fun,” Mariana tells her. “I’ll see you later.”

Fran gives her a hug. “I’ll text. And I’ll be careful. Promise. Have fun being all serious with The Avoiders…” she says.

“Now you put your jacket on,” Miss Nia says. “And make sure the hood’s up.”

“It’s not even snowing anymore,” Fran objects. 

“You still have a cold,” Miss Nia points out. “I got an extra scarf here for you.”

“I hate those. I can’t even breathe through them,” Fran objects.

“You’ll breathe well enough,” Miss Nia reassures.

Mariana watches Fran leave, following behind Miss Nia, all bundled up. She’s planning to watch until they’re safely in the car.

Levi interrupts Mariana’s obsessing, walking up with a cup of coffee and setting it down beside her.

“Here,” he says, sitting down.

“Not sure how good this is,” she says. “As an idea.”

“Why?” Levi wonders.

“Because I’m already…” she mimes being jittery. “With Fran going.”

Mariana squints, seeing Miss Nia shut the car door, and seeing Fran wave at the house. Mari waves back.

“My mom will take care of her,” Levi says. “Any idea what her secret mission was?”

“The store?” Mari asks. “I guess we’ll see when they come back…”

“How’s everybody doing with all the safety?” Jesus asks.

“God…” Mariana moans. “I’m sleeping every time Miss Nia tucks me in? And then she does it? And then, I’m a mess for like however long, before I can go back to sleep.”

“Because of the love?” Pearl asks.

“Yes!” Mariana exclaims.

“Hey, Miss Nia’s love is perfect as hell,” Dominique defends easily. “It’s everything I’ve ever needed in my life.”

“I love it, too,” Levi nods. “But I get how it could be...a lot for the rest of you.”

“She left me Fig Newtons,” Jesus shares. “Just out on the end table next to where we were sleeping. “Like, NBD.”

“I may have had something to do with that,” Pearl shares.

“Still… She did it. She took it seriously. And she caught me in the morning, when I was planning on leaving.”

“Wait. You were what?” Pearl asks.

“Even though she said it was fine and whatever? I guess I kinda...decided...it was too much. I was gonna pull a Fran and go back to the cabin…”

“No, you weren’t…” Mariana shakes her head, a warning in her voice.

“I mean...yeah. I was. But she caught on right away…” Jesus says.

There’s silence as they sip their beverages. They each reach for a cookie to dunk or not.

“I realize…” Dominique ventures. “Maybe suggesting helping with chores around here wasn’t the best...what with our collective chore history. Is everybody alright? Jesus, I’m sorry.”

“I’m alright,” he reassures. “Nothing that hasn’t happened before and it wasn’t your fault.”

“I’m...not doing the best,” Pearl admits. “Cleaning brought up my own trauma from Saturdays at home…”

“What happened on Saturdays?” Dominique asks.

Pearl blows out a breath. “What didn’t?” She pauses. “If we’re all okay...I’d like to go into some detail… Well, _ like _ is a strong word…”

The rest of The Avoiders nod.

“It’s just...she worked from 9:00 to 5:00 most days. Saturdays, because I was home “doing nothing,” I was expected to clean. But I also had homework. I also was exhausted getting up for school, and everything, packing my own lunches, if I had time… Now, it sounds like I’m complaining…”

“No, it doesn’t…” Levi objects.

“So...she didn’t expect you to clean the whole house, did she?” Dominique asks.

“Well, she’d mow the lawn…” Pearl specifies.

“Oh, my God… How do you have our life?” Mariana asks. “That’s… Growing up with Stef and Lena! Callie and I were expected to make dinner for eight people, clean up and take care of Fran… Jude and Brandon--”

“--and me,” Jesus adds.

“But when Callie confronted Stef about it? She was like, ‘He mows the lawn.’”

“You didn’t add me,” Jesus interjects. “I wasn’t expected to do any chores.”

“Yeah, for a valid reason…” Mariana says. “Are you fine?”

“A lot of similarities…” Jesus admits. “Even to what you’re describing, Pearl. Dom, if you’re okay hearing it…”

“Where they lost their shit if you didn’t do exactly what they said?” Dominique asks quietly.

“That’s one way to put it,” Jesus says. “I always had to be doing something...or He’d like… it’d be worse…”

“Right?” Pearl asks. “Wait. This is seriously disturbing...that my mother acts the same way as…”

“Well, they’re all abusive,” Mari points out.

“I notice, we’re like, done talking about Miss Nia’s gentleness…” Dominique points out. “Which I love. Are you okay, Levi?”

“I love her gentleness, yeah,” he says, soft. “It also kinda breaks me. Because I miss Dad… I miss him a lot…”

“Were you okay cleaning?” Pearl asks.

“Well, wait. He was talking about y’all’s dad…” Dominique points out. “It’s okay to miss him. It makes sense. Did you wanna share more?”

“I just...hearing you guys talk...it’s obvious how good I had it...and I feel...selfish missing it.”

“Hey, no…” Mariana shakes her head, leaning into him. “We’re glad. That you had safety. Right? And you, Dom, for the most part. We don’t want you guys hurt.”

“Yeah, it’s not selfish to miss it, or appreciate it or whatever,” Jesus says. “It’s what you should have had. No lie, I’m so distracted by Fran being gone right now… I hope she’s okay.” 

“I know…” Mariana nods.

\--

Miss Nia pulls up in front of a Target store, and Francesca is so excited.

“Are we shopping?!” she asks. “I can use a Caroline’s cart!”

“Yes, you sure can,” Miss Nia agrees. “Now, we’re gonna have to walk carefully across this lot. Hold my hand and go slow.”

Fran does. She concentrates. She doesn’t want Miss Nia to fall, and she doesn’t want to either.

They make it inside and she climbs into a Caroline’s cart and buckles herself in while Miss Nia holds it steady.

“What are we buying?” Fran asks.

“Well, Levi mentioned we’ve got a London puzzle. He’s got an aunt named London. And he wondered why we don’t have a puzzle of Paris.”

“Oh, like the city!” Fran realizes. “Like the cities, London and Paris!”

“Right,” Miss Nia nods. “So I promised him I’d get us one. We need to find the puzzles first.”

Fran settles back and lets Miss Nia search. She loves shopping like this. She doesn’t love that she can feel people staring, but she loves that people might think Miss Nia is her real live grandma. She doesn’t get to go shopping with Grams much. And Grandma Sharon...Fran does not want to shop with her. 

In a way, though, Fran feels more comfortable with Miss Nia than she even does with Stef and Lena. Probably because she knows for sure Miss Nia loves her. And she still doesn’t know that for sure about Moms.

Finally, they find the puzzles. There are so many it kind of makes Fran dizzy.

She spots a P. Then a Paris. “There!” she says. “There’s one!”

“Well, I’ll be…” Miss Nia says. “This is a nice one, but Levi mentioned an evening in Paris… Let’s see if we can find one like that…”

“Okay,” Fran says.

They look for a while. “Here’s one...but it’s fairly dark… I bet he’d like one where you could see everything…” Miss Nia says like she’s thinking.

“What about this one? Levi likes sunrises, right? He and Dominique always watch them when we’re at the cabin.”

“Do they?” Miss Nia asks, squinting at the puzzle Fran holds. 

\--

Paris Sunset.

Nia blinks back tears.

It could be a sunrise just as easily. And Paris would love it. It’s no Evening in Paris...but this one...Nia suspects it’s even better. 

“I think you found the perfect puzzle,” Nia says, collecting herself.

“Then why are you crying?” Fran asks, concerned.

“Because...you did such a fine job choosing it, Francesca,” Nia says.

“It’s 1,000 pieces, just like the London one,” Fran says shyly. “It’s $16.84 and I have a $20. I could buy it,” she offers.

“No. I invited you to help me accomplish the mission. Not to fund it. You use your money on something for you,” Nia insists.

“Moms say I should save it…” Fran sighs. “For a rainy day. I don’t even know what that means…”

“Well, I think a blizzard more than counts…” Nia says. “What do you want to buy?”

“Can we go to the books?” Fran asks.

So Nia pushes her over, and she loves watching Francesca’s eyes light up as she takes in shelf after shelf of books.

_ “What’s wrong with her?” _

Nia hears the voice plain as day. Turns to see the girls about Fran’s age, talking behind their hands. 

“Nothing’s wrong. And how would y’all feel hearing somebody ask that about you, when you were sitting right here?” she admonishes them.

The girls slink away.

Fran ignores them and keeps looking at all the Harry Potter titles. “I can’t decide. I really want to get the last two Harry Potter books in the series, but I also want this Harry Potter cookbook…”

“Well, what do you say...you buy the two books here? Your $20 will cover that. And I’ll get you the cookbook. Consider it my birthday present to you.”

“But you made the food,” Fran objects.

“And I’d make the food again. I want you to have things you enjoy, honey. Books are special. They’re sacred. I think you see that, don’t you?” Nia asks.

Francesca nods seriously. “But Moms say I read so fast, it’s a waste of money…”

“Oh no...books are never a waste of money. If you love a book, you’ll read it over and over for years.” Nia says. She adds  The Unofficial Harry Potter Cookbook to the cart with the Paris Sunset puzzle.

“I think Paris would have loved you,” Nia says fondly, looking at Francesca.

“Just like you do,” Fran says, flipping through book six of Harry Potter, distracted.

“Just exactly like I do…” Nia agrees.

\--

They pay for their things and they’re in the car on the way back to Miss Nia’s when Fran finally mentions what happened in the store.

“That happens every single time…” Fran says quietly. “What those girls said?”

“I’m sorry to hear that,” Miss Nia says.

“Did Pearl and Levi’s dad ever ride in a Caroline’s cart?” Fran asks.

“No,” Miss Nia shakes her head. “But he drove one of those scooters.”

“Did people ask what was wrong with him? Is that how you knew what to say?” Fran asks.

“He wrote quite a bit about his feelings, and he’d let me read about them. So I know how deeply words can cut.”

“Sticks and stones may break my bones? You know that rhyme? It says words will never harm me...but they do.” Fran says.

“There’s nothing wrong with you,” Miss Nia says gently.

Fran blinks back tears. “But when everybody else says there is, you kinda start to feel like it’s true…”

“That makes sense.” Miss Nia nods. “I’m sorry that keeps on happening to you.”

“Thank you for my cookbook,” Fran says. She can’t think about ableism for too long or she gets really sad.

“You’re welcome. Thank you for helping me find the puzzle for Levi. You were a big help. I’d like that to be a surprise for him, so if you could not spoil it, that’d be a big help,” Miss Nia says.

Fran mimes locking her lips with an imaginary key and tossing it over her shoulder.

Because surprises aren’t like secrets. So they’re okay to keep.

\--

“I’m not ready to go home and deal with Stef and all her thoughts about…” Mariana trails off.

“Right,” Pearl realizes. “Well, if you need backup, we’re here.”

“I can’t believe we leave in two days,” Dominique says.

“I can’t,” Levi shakes his head. “Don’t talk about it. I’m not ready.”

“They’re back,” Jesus realizes, hearing Miss Nia’s car pull up.

“Hey guys!” Fran says breathless, coming inside a few moments later. “There were some peons at the store! But Miss Nia told them nothing was wrong with me and they shouldn’t talk about me like I’m not even there.”

“I’m glad,” Mariana says.

“And! Look what I got! These…” she dumps out the last two Harry Potter books on the table. “I got with my own money. And this one,” she picks out the third “is my birthday present from Miss Nia. Because books are sacred...and I don’t read too fast.”

Jesus glances at Levi and can see him smiling.

“I’m glad you had a good secret mission,” he says.

“It was,” Fran says.

\--

Fran has a snack, and then she and Mari head to bed. Fran’s nose is running more than ever. It feels weird for Mariana to stand back and let Miss Nia give Fran cold medicine and take care of her like this.

All Francesca would get at home from Moms is reprimands and a side of guilt for getting sick in the first place.

“Now, you two rest and get some sleep,” Miss Nia says.

Fran reaches her arms up for a hug, and Mariana’s heart breaks a bit. She used to do that as a baby. But Mari hasn’t seen her do it since then. It’s like she’s learned not to even ask for affection.

Mari faces away when Miss Nia hugs Fran and gives her a kiss. “Good night, Francesca. I love you. And I loved hanging out with you tonight.”

“Me, too,” Fran says, shyly.

When Miss Nia stops by Mari’s side of the bed, Mari bristles. “No.”

“Oh. I’m sorry,” Miss Nia apologizes. “I don’t have to.”

“It’s just...your good parenting is like...painful…” Mariana attempts to explain.

“What would be soothing?” Miss Nia asks.

“Good night, I’ll see you in the morning?” Mariana asks, timid. “Because it means...I’ll still be here then…”

“Good night,” Miss Nia says. “I’ll see you in the morning.” And somehow, it sounds like she genuinely means it. Not like somebody who just got fed a line.

“You don’t like gentleness?” Fran asks when they’re alone.

“No…” Mari admits. 

“Because it hurts?” Fran asks.

“Right,” Mariana says, facing away from her, and attempting to sleep.

\--

Out in the kitchen again, Nia embraces Dominique on her way to bed. “Good night, baby. You’ll be safe tonight.”

“Thank you,” Dominique says.

Pearl follows Dominique, but stops in front of Nia and hesitates. Her hug feels stiff. Out of practice, but Nia holds on until Pearl relaxes against her. They don’t talk.

“I love you,” Nia tells her, looking right into her eyes. “I’ll always protect you. You believe that?”

“Yes, ma’am,” Pearl nods.

“Alright. Good night.”

Finally, she stops by the living room. She waits a little while, because Jesus has taken Dudley outside to do his business.

To pass the time, she brings a bottle of water, and the Fig Newtons back and puts them on the side table.

“Oh,” Jesus says, seeing her. Seeing them.

“I’m sorry, I never asked. Do you like Fig Newtons?” Nia asks.

“I do, yeah.” Jesus nods.

“You know you’re welcome to actually eat them. That’s what they’re for.” Nia tells him.

“Levi’s a really good kid,” Jesus says. “And you check in with him a lot. I can tell it matters to him.”

“Matters to me, too,” Nia nods. “All you kids are good kids. And I’m glad you got home, honey. I told your sister. I prayed for you…” 

“Oh. Thank you,” Jesus nods, startled. “Really. Usually...people tell me that...who I don’t know. But it… I don’t know. It means something coming from you.”

Miss Nia nods. “I’ve got to talk to Levi, but he’ll be along in a few minutes. You need anything else? Are you warm enough?”

“Yes, ma’am. Thank you,” Jesus says.

\--

It’s not until Fran’s in bed and the rest of them are on the way that Levi realizes Mom and Fran were up to more than he thought.

“Come by your room before you go to bed,” Mom invites.

It turns out, Levi’s there first, waiting on his bed for several minutes before Mom comes in, shopping bag in hand.

“Mom....it’s really early to get the Christmas sweaters… I know there are deals, but…” Levi begins.

“It’s not Christmas sweaters,” Mom objects softly laughing. She sobers. “It’s something I promised you.”

Levi raises his eyebrows and takes the bag Mom offers. It’s canvas so he can’t see through it. And when he pulls out the puzzle, tears come to his eyes.

He can barely see it. Clutches it to him with one hand, and with the other, he embraces her hard.

“I know you wanted the evening one...but the sunset...it looked so much like…”

“...Like sunrise…” Levi chokes out. “Thank you....” he can barely get the word out, he’s crying so hard.

She’s crying, too. It’s like she said: There’s a lot to miss about Dad.

“Oh, son. You’re welcome,” Mom says, still holding him. They rock back and forth a little.

She eventually lets go, but they still sit together.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you sad…” she apologizes.

Levi studies the puzzle in his hands. The familiar pink-orange glow his dad could bring to the sky - or so he believed as a kid. 

“No,” he manages hoarsely, squeezing Mom’s hand. “No, this is perfect. This is...everything…”

  
  



	111. Invitations

“Hey… I just got a text from Mariana,” Elise says to Grace. It’s a lazy Saturday, and the blizzard is finally all the way over, so they’re just hanging out in their PJs.

“Ooh, what’s it say?” Grace wonders.

“It says, ‘ _ Do you and Grace and Jess want to come over?’ _ ” Elise reads. “And there’s an address…”

“Wait… That’s Mrs. West’s house! She was the volunteer librarian at my elementary school. I ride by her house all the time on my bike!”

“Do you want to go to Mrs. West’s house?” Elise asks.

“I mean...it’d be a little weird… I don’t really know any of them…” Grace hedges. “I was glad to let Francesca borrow my coat. But, like, what would I do all day with them?”

“We don’t have to stay all day...and you don’t have to go at all if you don’t want to…” Elise reassures.

“No, I’ll go. I don’t want to stay here with Mom and Dad and be bored all day…”

“Who are you calling boring?” Rob calls from the family room where he and Kylie are watching TV together on the same couch.

“You,” Grace says. She sighs and gets up off the couch. “Besides, I always like going to teacher’s houses.”

“A librarian isn’t a teacher,” Elise points out.

“Close enough,” Grace grins.

\--

Jess is marathoning  _ 13 Reasons Why _ for the millionth time when her phone buzzes.

She pauses Netflix.

“Hey. Grace and I are going to Mariana’s,” Elise says.

“What? I wanna go!” Jess objects.

“We’re in your driveway. Come out here.” Elise insists, laughing.

“What are you talking about?” Jess gets off the bed and walks over to the window. There’s Elise and Grace, parked just where they said.

Jess hurries to grab some shoes, her phone and her key. At the last second, she takes a jacket and heads outside.

“Don’t you ever check your phone?” Elise asks. “Mariana texted you.”

“I’m sorry. I’m in the middle of my life,” Jess says, exasperated.

“Netflix is your life,” Elise says.

“Netflix  _ is _ my life,” Jess confirms. “They’re trying to keep the tapes away from Mr. Porter. It’s a whole thing.”

“Is this the show I can’t watch?” Grace asks.

“Yes,” Jess and Elise chorus. 

“You’ve seen the show before, though…” Elise says. 

“Yeah, like, six times. And?” Jess asks.

“And nothing,” Elise says, “I’m not judging…”

“It’s like Justin says,  _ ‘There are nuances of meaning.’”  _ Jess says. __ “Plus, there’s a character named after me. She’s such a badass.”

“Is there a character named Grace?” Grace wonders, intrigued.

“No,” Jess shakes her head.

“We drove out before we came to get you… There’s power back on their road now… I have to remember to tell them,” Elise mentions as they pull up in front of a house that Grace immediately recognizes.

“This is it!” she exclaims. “Wait...no… That’s not Mrs. West…” Grace says, her face falling.

“It says WEST on the mailbox…” Elise points out.

They get out and walk to the door. It’s pulled open immediately, and they’re welcomed inside.

\--

“Hey! Oh, my God, you came!” Mariana says, embracing Jess. Then Elise. “Hey, Grace.”

“Hi,” she says. “I thought this was my old librarian’s house,” she admits.

Miss Nia perks up at this. “Oh, you’re thinking about my sister, Nadine! She lives right up the road. She also married a West, it’s confusing.”

“Oh,” Grace says.

“Hi!” Fran greets. “I didn’t know you were coming.”

“I didn’t know I was either. I just didn’t want to stay at home and be bored.” Grace admits.

“Come and be bored with us,” Fran invites, walking with Grace out to the living room.

It doesn’t take Mariana long after another round of reintroductions to duck into Miss Nia’s dark bedroom with Jess and Elise.

“I can’t believe you came,” she breathes. “I can’t believe it’s our last day here. We go back tomorrow.”

“How are you doing with that?” Jess asks, reclining on the bed.

“Like...fine...if I don’t think about it?” Mariana admits. “I just can’t like...deal with everything… So much of our support system is here. And then...even when Pearl and Levi move out to California, you’ll still be here.”

“I’m sorry we live where it’s freezing,” Elise apologizes. “California sounds so warm...and magical…”

“It’s warm…” Mariana allows. “I don’t know about magical…”

There’s a soft knock at the door. Levi pokes his head in. “Hey. I don’t mean to interrupt. Just...can I join?”

Mariana waves him in, and Levi closes the door behind him. “I missed y’all…” he says. “I’m really glad you made it out here one more time.”

“Oh, the power’s back on your road,” Elise remembers.

“Oh, good to know. So Pearl and I can kinda give Mom back her space,” Levi says.

“I don’t know. She seems to like having you here. Us…” Mariana allows.

“She likes company, yeah, but I think it can wear her out,” Levi allows. He focuses on Jess and Elise. “Not that you’re wearing us out. You’re not.”

“It’s fine,” Jess laughs gently.

“Christian didn’t wanna come?” Levi asks.

“Christian’s working with Coby today, so...there’s that. And AJ’s at a friend’s.”

“Nice,” Levi comments. “What were you talking about before?”

“How Mari’s support system’s split,” Elise remembers. “How even when you guys move out there -- which, are you? --” she asks.

“We’re hoping, soon, yeah. We’ve been on the waiting list for almost six months.” Levi says. “Takes about nine, apparently.”

“And how we’ll still be here,” Jess finishes. “So there’ll still be separation.”

“That sucks,” Levi says. “But there’s still Marco Polo, and video chat.”

“It’s not the same, though. As you being here,” Mariana points out. “I hate having to choose. Or having it chosen for me, I guess. Where I have to be. Because I can’t leave Fran...so I have to stay there for, like, years…”

“My brother had moved out before things got bad…” Elise shares. “So I’m glad she still has you.”

“I’m glad, too,” Mariana says. “Even though it’s hard, I would never wanna leave her, and it’s not her fault she has to live there.”

\--

“What’s it like in California?” Grace asks.

“Much warmer than here,” Fran says decidedly. “I hate snow.”

“I only like it when it means a snow day,” Grace qualifies.

“What is that?” Fran asks.

“Like, when it’s too cold or snowy to go to school? Too bad we’re on Spring Break this week or the blizzard would have definitely meant at least one snow day.”

“Whoa. Yeah, we don’t really have any of those in California…” Fran shakes her head. “I miss my friends. But I don’t miss school. Or my moms…”

“You don’t miss your mom?” Grace asks, concerned.

“Moms. I have two. And I don’t miss them, because I have my brother and sister and everybody else here.” Fran explains, her face feeling hot. She clears her throat. Looks away. Maybe she shouldn’t have said that last part about not missing Moms.

“Even if I was with Elise for a long time, I think I’d miss my Mom and Dad. Like...I don’t get along with them all the time, but I love them. You know?” Grace asks.

“I guess,” Fran says, even though she doesn’t really.

(She’s starting to realize that even though they’re the same age, she doesn’t have a lot in common with Grace after all…)

Grace probably doesn’t know what it’s like to be left out of your family.

Like...she’s nice...but she’s not what Francesca expected. She’s kind of been hoping that Grace would be the kind of friend Jess and Elise are for Mari. But it’s not turning out like that.

\--

“Levi and Mariana have sure got some good friends,” Miss Nia shares.

“Yeah,” Jesus nods. “It’s weird not to be in on that with her.”

“Is it?” Pearl asks.

“I mean...I guess not…” Jesus admits. “When we were little, our friends overlapped...not in a great way. I guess I just mean...The Avoiders...We’re so bonded as a unit. And she’s got this thing that’s apart from me.”

“I think that’s okay,” Pearl reassures. “It sounds healthy to me. I’m glad Levi has friends outside of me, and outside of this group. I want him to have as much peer support as humanly possible.”

“Yeah...I mean, I want that, too,” Jesus admits. “I just wish I got it...the way they get it?”

“Got what?” Dominique wonders.

“What it’s like?” Jesus ventures. “Like...Levi doesn’t really? And yet he’s able to get in on that friendship… I don’t know.”

“Friendship isn’t a commodity, though,” Dominique points out. “It’s very individual.”

“I guess it’s just not easy for me to make friends...especially now,” Jesus admits.

“You made friends with me,” Dominique points out.

“And me,” Pearl says. “You’re great at making friends, I’d say…”

“I think,” Miss Nia begins kindly. “Jesus might be saying he feels a little left out of the friendship Mari and Levi have.”

Jesus nods. “That’s it. And like...sorry I can’t be there for her with this…because I just don’t get what it’s like… That’s epically hard with twins. When we do share so much.”

“That makes sense,” Dominique nods.

“And it sounds hard,” Pearl offers.

\--

“So… Did things work out after last time?” Elise asks. “You seem to all be getting along now…” she observes, with a meaningful look at Mari and Levi.

“Oh, you mean…” Mari ventures.

“Just that last time...you seemed to have a lot going on…” Jess adds.

“Yeah, no. That’s mostly resolved, I think,” Levi says, with a look at Mari. “Right?”

“I mean...it still is what it is. It still sucks that it happened. But we worked through it. It’s hard, though...being treated like...I can’t take care of myself,” Mariana sighs.

“I hear that,” Elise nods.

“But at home...it’s the opposite. Because they expect me to do too much? The expectations are… There’s no way to ever reach them. So I can never just be,” Mariana explains.

“You can just be now,” Jess points out gently.

“That’s a really small amount of time,” Mari says, borrowing Fran’s words from last fall, about the small percentage of time she got to actually be herself.

“True,” Levi nods. “I wish you could be you all the time.”

“I miss Rosa,” Mariana manages. At Jess and Elise’s curious faces, Mari elaborates. “She’s this...amazing speaker...and she really told Stef and Lena...like...that they had to change. Treat us better?”

“Sounds like a good person to have in your corner,” Jess approves.

“And in life,” Elise nods.

“We’ve just...not been in touch since the blizzard...and I’m scared about what home is gonna be like when I get back there. A lot going on.”

“Like what?” Elise asks.

“I’m gonna be an aunt,” she shares. 

Elise beams. “That’s so cool. Being an aunt is the best. If you need any tips, let me know.”

“Yeah, except...Moms are thrilled...at the idea of a biological grandson. Especially Stef, and it’s just… I don’t know if you guys get that.”

“Sounds complicated,” Jess offers sympathetically. “As you’re adopted, right?”

“Right…” Mariana nods. “They’re freaking out about him...maybe having things wrong...and it’s like… hello? What message are you sending? To me? To Fran? To Jesus?”

“Right,” Jess nods. “I was literally hospitalized after my injury...and my dad was like,  _ “I don’t have a daughter..”  _ He never specifically said it had to do with the injury, but he didn’t  _ not  _ say it either.”

“Sorry you’re dealing with that,” Elise says. “On top of everything else.”

“It really means a lot that you’re here. Even though you might not get everything?” Mariana says. “You’re here.”

“We are,” Elise says.

Levi reaches out and covers her hand with his.

She doesn’t know what she’ll do without them. The end is coming so fast.

And she’s nowhere near ready.

She’s never ready.


	112. Pride

After lunch, Fran can’t even wait anymore. Even though they had really delicious Mexican lasagna, and ice cream bars with a chocolate shell around them, she really wants to get to do makeup.

“So, can we?” she asks.

“You can do whatever you want, Buddy,” Jesus encourages.

“No, but I wanna do it  _ with _ someone…” Fran objects. “Like, Mariana for example...” She looks at her sister.

Mariana laughs. “Okay, okay. Anybody else?” 

Fran can see how Mariana’s looking at Elise, then Jess, then Levi.

“I’ll join,” Grace says, “If you do, Elise.”

“I’m not promising a still face,” she says, and Fran’s confused. 

“I don’t know what that means,” she says.

“Oh. It means I’m jumpy,” Elise clarifies.

“Oh, that’s fine. I am, too,” Fran reassures. “It’s normal around here.”

\--

“Mom?” Levi asks. “Could I talk to you?”

“Sure, son. What is it?” she asks, drying her hands on a dish towel and stepping into Levi’s room.

“Would you mind if I… If I did make up with Mari and Fran?” Levi asks, hesitating.

“Now, why in the world would I mind that? You do what you like,” Mom encourages. “Dad and I always loved your creativity.”

“But like… This wouldn’t be just for Halloween. It’s like… It’s me?” he tries to explain.

“How is it you?” she asks gently.

“Like, I can  _ be _ me…” he clarifies. “But more?”

“You feel more like yourself?” Mom asks. “More authentic?”

“Yes, ma’am,” he answers.

“Well, then I love you doing makeup even more,” Mom says.

“Wait. What?” Levi asks, confused.

“Honey, if it helps you feel like yourself? I want you to do it. It’s not gonna hurt anything. The only reason I’d ever discourage you from it is if it ever started to feel like something you didn’t wanna do. For whatever reason,” Mom reassures.

“Are you sure you...wouldn’t be embarrassed?” Levi asks, hesitant.

“Not one iota,” Mom insists. “Now go be with your friends. Have fun.”

\--

Dominique winces as Fran yells out in her loudest voice: “OKAY PEOPLE, ANYONE WHO DOES NOT WANT TO BE IN ON MAKEUP TIME? IT IS HAPPENING IN THE LIVING ROOM FROM NOW UNTIL....SOMETIME LATER.”

“Thanks,” Mariana winces. “That’s helpful.”

“That was sarcasm, right?” Fran asks.

Mariana nods.

“Well, that’s my cue…” Dominique says and easily turns in her chair so her back is facing the living room.

“Not a makeup fan?” Jess asks.

“You could say that…” Dominique breathes.

“Not a fan here either,” Jess reassures. “So, is this your first time in Minnesota?”

“Second,” Dominique shares. “We also came last April. No blizzard then,” she smiles a little.

“Right, last April was a little more...predictable,” Jess nods.

“Roberta is banished from makeup time,” Fran says abruptly, heaving a crabby-looking Roberta onto Dominique’s lap. “She keeps trying to knock everything over.

“You need to stop being so rude,” Dominique reprimands Roberta gently.

Roberta looks offended and attempts to jump off Dominique’s lap, but Dom holds on. 

“You can’t go back out there. You’re in trouble,” Dominique reminds her.

Roberta nips Dominique’s hand softly in protest.

“Aw, is she yours?” Jess asks.

“She is,” Dominique nods, though her heart and her brain stutter over the question in relation to Fran, who’s just leaving to go back out to makeup time.

“I never had pets growing up,” Jess says. “She’s gorgeous.”

“Don’t let her hear you saying that,” Dominique says. “It’s gonna go straight to her head.”

The words to Carly Simon’s  _ You’re So Vain _ and Jordin Sparks’s _ Don’t Let It Go to Your Head _ pop up simultaneously and vye for Dominique’s attention. They clash with each other, but she keeps her mouth carefully closed. She can’t risk another dissociated singing episode around company.

“Everybody could use compliments,” Jess says softly, reaching out to let Roberta sniff her. “Even cats.”

\--

“What style are you doing?” Fran asks, craning her neck to look at Levi.

“I don’t know yet,” he says.

“You have to face this way, or all your makeup is going to be on the back of your head…” Mariana quips.

“Nobody would see it,” Fran points out.

“Exactly. Turn around unless you want foundation in your hair,” Mari grins.

“Okay,” Fran sighs.

“You’re so lucky to have all this makeup,” Grace says, while Elise picks out eyeshadow for her.

“I know,” Fran answers.

“Thank you,” Mariana whispers.

“Thank you,” Fran says, a little embarrassed. “It’s just because it was my birthday. Mariana gave it to me.”

“That’s so cool,” Grace says.

“I would’ve loved this when I was your age,” Elise tells Grace.

“Not anymore?” Grace asks.

“I mean...not really? Having somebody in my face is..not my favorite? My friend in high school? Belle? She had such a hard time doing any makeup stuff on me. She’d eventually just let me do it to her.”

“That works, too,” Levi nods.

Fran glances over for a sixth time and sees Levi looking stunning with her style of peacock eye makeup and his usual dark lipstick.

He even has all this different colored blush on his face. 

“You look perfect, Levi,” Fran says honestly. “Mariana, look. You wanna look, trust me.”

Mariana slowly turns. “Hey…” she says.

“Hey,” Levi says back.

“You look perfect,” Mariana repeats.

“So I’ve heard,” Levi says quietly.

“What makeup do you want, Mari?” Fran asks.

“I’m fine,” she says, staring at Levi.

“Whoa…” Grace says under her breath with a giggle.

“Be nice,” Elise insists softly.

“I am,” Grace says. “It’s just...it’s like they’re the only two people in the world…”

And Fran can hear it when Levi breathes, “Pretty much…”

\--

Jesus and Pearl are out walking all three dogs.

It’s cold, but Jesus doesn’t mind that much. He’s warm enough, and he knows that Miss Nia’s house is there to go back to. And that Pearl’s not going to leave him on his own.

“So…” Pearl manages finally.

“So…” Jesus echoes. “I keep forgetting you’re not coming with us.”

Peal winces. “I know. I hate that you’re leaving.”

“Me, too,” she nods. “I wish we could just all stay together. But...still no phone call. Panther and Cleo. Behave yourselves,” she calls as Panther inelegantly sniffs Cleo.

“Phone call?” Jesus asks.

“From Gateway? Dominique said apparently they call you when there’s a vacancy?”

“Oh yeah,” Jesus nods. “I forgot. I just...I wanna go back. I miss home, but I… I don’t wanna leave you guys. Your mom is great-- I… I mean…” he stammers.

Pearl’s face softens into a smile. “I take it as a compliment. Nia is my mom, for all intents and purposes. And Levi’s getting used to sharing her, so I don’t mind mentioning it.”

“But...is there ever the feeling? Like, she’s not?” Jesus asks carefully.

“There’s always the feeling that she’s not,” Pearl nods. “I’m not deluding myself, Jesus. It’s just… This is the way it is now. This is the state of my life…”

“And Carla… She’s… Left you alone?” Jesus asks.

“For the most part?” Pearl admits. “Grandma tries to get in touch in her stead. I just got a birthday card,” she adds ruefully.

“Early?” Jesus asks, confused.

“Late,” Pearl says seriously.

“Your birthday’s less than two months away,” Jesus points out.

“Yes, and apparently, she just now found cards,” Pearl says.

“Was it okay?” Jesus asks. ‘I mean...what did it say?”

“She misses me,” Pearl blows out a breath. “Like, after keeping Dad from me for years? No thank you. You do not get to miss me.”

They’re quiet for a moment.

“How are you? What are you thinking about over there?” Pearl asks.

“How I suck at being left out,” he admits.

“Of Mariana’s friendship with Jess and Elise?” Pearl asks.

“And...I don’t know...or of B’s wedding...and this whole thing...with Talon… It’s like… It’s all new for me, and no one really gets that?”

“What do you want them to get? Or I guess...what is it you need from them?” Pearl tries again.

“To feel included,” Jesus says. “But I feel so outside it all. Like it’s B’s thing with Talya, and I get that they’re a family now, but it also...Moms are in on it, and they’re so involved? Sorry, I don’t really know what my deal is…”

“You can have feelings about this,” Pearl reassures. “It’s coming up, right? She’s due in May?”

“Yeah. It’s just… I don’t know what the hell to do around a baby. Like, a baby-baby. Fran was like...a year and a half when I came home. What if...I don’t know… I do something wrong? Or if B expects me to watch him or something? I’m not gonna know what to do.”

“Jesus, no one knows what to do,” Pearl says.

“Thanks,” he blows out a breath.

“No, I mean… Don’t be so hard on yourself? There’s YouTube videos. There are ways to learn.”

“It’s just...Moms are so stoked about this baby. But they won’t even talk about Fran. And Fran’s the only baby I ever got to know? So it’s weird. There’s no talk about, like,  _ “Remember when she did this?” _ and definitely no one around who would know any of our firsts,” Jesus comments, a little sadly. “Except, obviously, each other.”

“Right. That seems lonely,” Pearl comments.

“Is it for you?” Jesus wonders.

“Is what?” Pearl asks.

“Nothing. You just...seem lonely right now…” he ventures.

“It’s one of those things?” she says shrugging. Nia’s house is in sight now, and Pearl’s glad. “Levi has every single one of his firsts documented within an inch of its life and I…? I don’t know. I have photo albums from my grandma, but… Levi has video. And Dad commenting on video, and Dad being on video, and I don’t have that.”

“Because it was the ‘80s?” Jesus asks seriously.

“You had to rent a video camera if you wanted one, and filling a tape took two hours. My mom claims Dad rented one the year I turned two, but no one can find the tape anywhere, so… Who knows if that’s true. Who knows if I’d even want to see what’s on it…”

“Memories are rough,” Jesus says.

Cleo barks.

“Ruff. That’s right,” Jesus grins.

Pearl smiles too, a little.

\--

Nia’s steered clear of the makeup situation in the living room. The last thing she needs is Fran and Grace seeing fit to give her some kind of makeover. She also doesn’t want to hover or pressure Levi in any way.

“Miss Nia! Come see Levi!” Fran calls.

“Levi? You want me to come see you, son?” she checks.

“If you want…” he says, quiet. “It’s fine if you don’t.”

“I always want to see you,” she reassures, and makes her way to the living room with her eyes closed, holding Fran’s hands.

(Nia’s peeking at the floor to be sure she doesn’t trip.)

“Ta da! It’s my peacock look!” Fran says and Nia looks. “Levi saw me wearing this look at Brandon’s wedding, and he copied it. It’s a compliment,” she reassures Nia. 

“Oh, Levi… You look so handsome, son, I love it,” she says. “The colors you got on remind me of those Avatar aliens with the long tails that plug right into nature?”

“ _ Lor menari _ ?” Levi asks, his eyebrows raised slightly.

Nia knows enough Na’vi from Paris and Levi to know that it’s his way of asking if she likes his eye makeup.

“ _ Lor menari _ ,” she confirms. “It suits you.”

\--

Dinner is bacon cheeseburger hotdish, and everyone can’t get enough.

“I feel like we’re definitely overstaying our welcome,” Jess worries, “But this food is so delicious, I don’t care.”

“You’re not overstaying. Not at all,” Miss Nia says.

“Can I get this recipe?” Jess asks. “I don’t think I can live without it.

“You can, indeed, I’ll send you a link,” Nia asks. “Are you on Pinterest?”

“Can you get recipes on Pinterest?” Levi asks. “I thought it was, like, home decor…”

“No, you can get everything from there,” Elise adds. “I love your makeup, Levi, and yours Grace and Fran.”

“We rock,” Fran decides.

\--

Jesus is quiet, thinking about having to face the airport tomorrow. Twice in a day. His tolerance has gotten better, but that doesn’t mean he’s ever going to be on board with exposing himself to so many massive triggers.

If he never sees LA again, it’ll be too soon.


	113. Gathering

It’s the last thing Mariana wants to do: consider saying goodbye to Jess and Elise...but that time is here...basically.

After dinner, Jesus, Dominique, Pearl, Francesca and Miss Nia all drive out to Grandpa’s cabin to help gather the stuff they’ll need to bring home. Mari, Levi, Jess, Elise and Grace stay behind.

(Grace is in the living room - she offered to clean up the makeup situation - since it looks like a salon exploded there.)

“I don’t wanna do this…” Mariana objects, wiping her eyes. 

“I know…” Jess answers. “It feels like, we just… You know?”

“I know!” Elise nods.

Levi, too. “It’s happening too fast.”

“I don’t wanna lose you guys. It’s like...all of our whatever...support...is eventually moving to California...except you…” Mariana reminds them. “I don’t wanna leave here if it means leaving you.”

“It’s hard,” Elise nods.

“I feel...like I exist...with you,” Mariana says. “You see me. Get me. Whatever,” she says. Tears well in her eyes. “And we don’t have to…” she trails off.

“We don’t have to explain?” Elise asks. “I know… It’s pretty major. And I know it sucks to leave,” she says wiping her own tears away. “But I’m really glad Dr. Rahman put all of us in touch. I’m glad we met…”

“I fucking hate this…” Jess mutters under her breath. “We just found you guys. The fact that you’re going…? It’s like...no.”

“I know…” Levi nods. “I don’t want you to go either. Saying goodbye to you is the worst,” he squeezes her hand.

“I feel like...we barely even started…” Mariana objects. “Getting to know each other? And now…”

“You have to go,” Elise fills in sadly. “I hate it… That you have to go…”

“And I hate to say this...but it’s gonna be dark soon...and I don’t do wonderfully driving in the daylight, so...I think…” Jess hesitates. “Maybe we should…”

Grace appears at Elise’s side. Mariana glances at the living room and sees the Kaboodle set neatly in the middle of the room, everything inside it.

“Thanks for your help cleaning up,” Levi tells her honestly. “It was nice to meet you.”

“Nice to meet you,” Grace says back, a little shy. “Can we go?” she asks Elise.

“Soon,” Elise says. “First…” She hands a piece of paper to Mariana. “Our contact info. For you,” she says. “Share it?” She looks between Mari and Levi.

“Yeah,” Mariana nods. “We’ll share it.”

“Nice to meet you,” Elise says, opening her arms. 

Levi goes into them and hugs her warmly. “Nice to meet  _ you _ . Thank you...for getting it, and not...making a big deal, the other day?”

“Of course,” Elise says. “Quiet and me go way back.”

“Mariana, if you need someone to come and kick your parents’ asses? You know where I am,” Jess says seriously.

“Oh, my God, Jessica! That’s, like, rude!” Grace giggles.

“It’s a promise,” Jess says, undeterred. “They don’t get to treat you like shit. I’m sorry. They just don’t.”

“Thank you,” Mariana says, not able to find any other words.

“Seriously? Let me know if there’s anything we can do… Contact me...whatever way works.” Jess starts walking toward the door.

“Okay,” Mariana nods.

“Love you!” Elise calls, blowing a kiss their way.

“Bye,” Mariana says softly.

And the door closes behind them.

\--

When Jess and Elise leave with Grace, Levi and Mari just sit together at the table. Tears leak from their eyes. Levi’s burn because of the makeup and he has to get up at one point and wash his face. But then he’s right back with Mariana, who’s clearly crushed at this loss.

He knows it’s no use to tell her they’ll stay in touch. It’s not the same thing as sharing actual space with your community. Your people.

They’re his, a little. Elise gets the trauma side of his being unable to speak sometimes...but mostly? They’re Mariana’s community. And she’s found so few people who know what it feels like to be her and go through what she goes through.

Levi sits with her.

Both of them jump, when the door opens, and Mom, Pearl, Dominique, Fran and Jesus walk back inside.

\--

“We got everything,” Fran says. “It looks like no one even lives there now! Wait, are you crying?” she asks walking over to Mariana, concerned. “Why?”

“Jess and Elise left,” Levi explains. 

“Oh,” Fran’s face falls. “Did Grace?”

Mari nods. No one says, like, what would Grace be doing here without Elise and Jess? No one acts like what Fran has to say is silly or wrong.

Fran wants to say she’s sorry Mari’s friends left. But sometimes? When she sees people feeling stuff? It’s like the words just stop coming. Like her throat won’t let them out. Because if she talks? Then she might cry, too...and sometimes that still feels scary.

“Didn’t y’all say you like to do some feelings time after dinner?” Miss Nia asks. 

“We do,” Jesus nods.

“I’ll get the cookies,” Miss Nia decides.

\--

“I’m not ready for life to...just go back to what it was…” Jesus says.

“It’s like time stops here,” Pearl observes.

“In a good way?” Miss Nia wonders.

“I don’t know…” Pearl admits. “It’s like...we’re in this bubble. It’s not like nothing bad can hurt us--”

“--Because blizzard,” Fran adds, eating a brownie bar.

“Right, but it’s more like...it doesn’t matter if it does, because we all have each other. And...I don’t know about you...but I’m not ready not to have each other…” Pearl admits.

“Yeah…” Jesus nods. “It’s that. It’s like...soon my biggest worry is gonna be…  _ ‘Will I suck at being an uncle? _ ’”

“You won’t,” Fran reassures. “You don’t suck at being a brother. You won’t suck at being an uncle…”

“Thanks, Fran,” Jesus says. “What about you, Mari?”

Mariana nods and points to Pearl.

“You feel what Pearl said?” Levi asks. “You’re not ready to be without us?”

Mariana nods. “Pretty much.”

“Well, it’s gonna be awfully lonely without all of y’all around here,” Miss Nia says offering a box of Kleenex. “But our feelings are all okay here.”

“I kind of...do wanna go,” Dominique shares, quietly. “No offense to you, Miss Nia, or Pearl, or Levi…but I miss my Mom and Dad. I want to get back to them. And where I feel at home. And comfortable. Travel’s okay for a while. I love it, and I love nature, but I also love being home? You know?”

“That makes a lot of sense,” Miss Nia says.

“So, we got everything?” Levi asks. “I mean, you did?”

“Did you get to share?” Pearl asks him. “How you’re feeling, Levi?”

“I’m with you and Mari…” he comments quietly. “I don’t want you to go.”

“Hey, nobody asked about me…” Fran reminds.

“How are you feeling, Fran?” Levi asks. “Thank you for my puzzle, by the way. Mom says you picked it out...and I love it.”

Francesca beams. “You’re welcome. I’m great at noticing things.”

“You are,” Jesus tells her. “But how are you feeling?”

“Like...excited to leave? Because I really want to go to camp. But then I feel bad...because I’m about to find my people...and Mari, you have to leave yours. And that’s kind of rude, right?” Fran asks, concerned.

“That’s...kind of life…” Mariana manages. “And I don’t sound it...but I’m happy for you. I’m excited. I want you to go and do the thing and make new friends…”

“I wish you could come with me…” Fran says. “That one of you could come with me…at least. Because I’m gonna be the only Avoider there, and I won’t have any safe adults.”

“Well, I was looking into the camp, because it’s through the same organization as the workshop Stef and Lena went to? And they have that news and blog and information site?” Pearl shares. “And it sounds like...they’re looking for speakers.” She looks meaningfully at Jesus.

“Speakers for what?” he asks blankly.

“Someone to talk to the campers about different things. Different topics that are relevant to them,” Pearl continues.

“Oh. Like consent?” Jesus asks, realization dawning.

“Oh, yes! Buddy, please come to my camp and talk about consent because I’ll miss you so much,” Fran begs. “I mean, if you want to come…” she adds.

“I’ll definitely look into it,” Jesus promises.

Fran coughs into her elbow and sniffles. “I hate this cold. My Dementor bars aren’t even helping me at all…” she complains.

“We’ve got to leave the house at 10:00 AM sharp tomorrow,” Jesus reminds. “Thank God, Moms got us tickets for a later flight this year...but it’s still gonna be earlier than we’re used to getting up.”

“9:45 honestly,” Pearl says. “If you wanna get there two hours ahead of time.”

“I need an hour to get ready,” Fran tells them. “But I don’t want to get up at 8:45….”

“Let’s get you to bed then,” Miss Nia says kindly. “You need your rest.”

\--

Fran takes Miss Nia’s hand after she’s done brushing her teeth and everything. Miss Nia tucks her into bed.

“Are you coming to drop us off tomorrow?” Fran asks.

“Would you like me there?” Miss Nia wonders.

“Yes,” Fran says seriously. “And thank you for picking me to go shopping with you. My parents…” she trails off. “They did the opposite once? And it really hurt my feelings.”

“I’m sorry that happened to you, baby. Everybody deserves to feel chosen,” Miss Nia says.

“Everyone says that’s what adoption feels like…” Fran observes. “But everyone’s wrong…”

“What does it feel like to you?” Miss Nia asks.

“The opposite,” Fran says after considering. “Because, really… It’s usually what happens when parents  _ don’t  _ choose you.”

“That sounds lonely,” Miss Nia observes sadly.

“It’s just my life,” Fran shrugs. “Besides, I’m not lonely with The Avoiders.”

“Alright, why don’t you close your eyes? I’ll sing you a little song,” Miss Nia says, and what she sings is the most beautiful song Fran’s ever heard.

“ _ I see trees of green, red roses too _

_ I see them bloom, for me and you _

_ And I think to myself _

_ What a wonderful world… _ ”

Miss Nia’s voice is like a hug, and it fills Fran’s mind with pictures of nature that’s so much better than her mind racing and stuff.

She falls asleep before she knows what happens next in the song.

\--

Mariana comes in next and crawls into bed beside Fran, fully clothed.

Miss Nia’s still singing, and Mariana shuts her eyes. Easily finds the third below, and hums along. This feels like home. Like singing always does. Even with all the losses, here, and pending, Mariana always has music, and that’s guaranteed to make her feel.

“Good night,” Miss Nia whispers when the song is over. “See you in the morning.”

Mariana’s vaguely aware of the surprise she feels as she drifts off to sleep.

Miss Nia remembered exactly what she needed.

\--

Dominique slips shyly into bed as Miss Nia waits.

“You have a beautiful voice…” Dominique shares, admiring. “I can’t...really sing. I mean… I  _ can _ , but…”

“You don’t owe me an explanation,” Miss Nia says warmly.

“Miss Nia? I didn’t hurt your feelings by saying I wanted to go home, did I? By saying I miss my Mom and Dad?”

“No,” Miss Nia answers, gently smoothing a hand over Dominique’s head. “It makes sense you’d want your folks. I want mine, too.”

“...I love you…” Dominique says hesitantly.

“I love you, too. Very much. Francesca invited me to drive to the airport with y’all tomorrow, so I’ll be there til the very last.”

“Good,” Dominique sighs, snuggling under the covers. 

She falls asleep almost instantly.

\--

Jesus is just climbing into bed with Dudley when Miss Nia swings by to drop off the Fig Newtons and a bottle of water.

“Hey…” he greets, hesitant. “I just wanna say...thank you for helping us pack up tonight...and for opening your home to us. Taking care of us,” he tells her honestly.

“Oh, honey, you’re so welcome. You’re always welcome here. Now, do you need anything else?” Miss Nia asks.

“I just need to say thank you for having us,” Jesus tells her seriously.

“Of course,” Miss Nia says. “I appreciate all of your help, too. That lightbulb’s been out for eight months. I always forget to ask Levi to help me change it.”

“No problem,” Jesus says.

“Levi will be in when he’s in,” Miss Nia says. “In the meantime, everybody’s safe.”

“Ma’am? I mean, Miss Nia?” Jesus asks. “Are the doors locked?”

“They are,” she nods. “Locked tight. Security alarm is on.”

“Thank you,” he says. “See you tomorrow.”

“See you in the morning,” she tells him.

\--

By the time Nia comes back from tucking Jesus in, it’s after 11 PM. But she finds Levi at the table. The new Paris at Sunrise puzzle in pieces before him. He’s snapping pieces together in the half-dark.

He glances up at her.

Stands and pulls out a chair.

Nia sits and starts adding pieces to the border he’s begun.

They work in silence, just the sound of cardboard lightly snapping to keep them company.

When Pearl walks up to the table, Cleo in her arms, Nia rises and pulls out a chair for her, too.

Pearl settles Cleo on her lap and reaches for a piece with shaking hands. She dislodges a piece that’s already found a home.

Her mouth falls open, an apology on her lips, but Nia simply smooths the piece back into place, allowing the grooves to find each other.

Levi scoots a pile over and nods at Pearl. He’s given her the job of finding the edge pieces, if she wants it, and Pearl goes to work, searching.

They work together in silence. All of them gathered around this one puzzle, named for the biggest missing piece.

Cardboard snaps.

The light over the sink flickers.

The refrigerator runs.

The house sleeps.

But Nia and her children stay awake.


	114. Goodbyes

On the last morning, Pearl is awake at 5 AM, making sure Francesca’s things are gathered together in one place. She didn’t make it to bed until 3:00. Levi’s not going to be a happy camper, and Pearl’s not even sure if Nia will be joining them.

But she’s not sorry...because they finished the puzzle.

It’s still out there on the kitchen table. All three of them had taken a picture of it.

But when she goes by the table, she finds no evidence of the puzzle at all. Nia or Levi must have cleared it away, leaving room for breakfast.

Breakfast gives Pearl an idea. She slips quietly out of the house and to her car. She puts Cleo in the front seat. Her favorite doughnut shop opens early, and Pearl has gotten slightly better at going out...it helps if she’s the only one in a place.

She tries to recall everyone’s favorites and buys two chocolate frosted cake doughnuts, two cinnamon rolls, two lemon doughnuts, two coffee rolls and two apple streusel doughnuts. 

She also buys a fresh bag of Costa Rican coffee beans, knowing that Nia has a grinder, and that it might be nice for Mariana to have fresh, hot coffee for the trip home. Especially since she had to live on cold stuff for so long - what with the blizzard and all.

Speaking of the blizzard, Minnesota is strange. It’s a weirdly mild 42 degrees right now. As if the huge snowfall never even happened, except of course, there’s proof all around her. Big melting piles.

Pearl makes it back to the house safely and then brings Nia’s coffee grinder out to the front porch. She wipes off a spot and begins grinding coffee beans, hoping the noise won’t wake anyone.

By 9:15, Pearl begins to wake people gently:

“Good morning, friends,” she calls. “I got us some doughnuts and Mariana, I found the best coffee for you. I just ground it… We should get going.”

“Ugh…” Fran groans, stretching. “Did you get chocolate frosted?”

“Of course I got chocolate frosted,” Pearl grins. “What do you take me for?”

“You just said a dad thing,” Levi points out from behind Pearl. She jumps and turns. He’s there in the kitchen, looking super tired, Dad-blanket around his shoulders.

“Hey,” she greets. “Hug?”

“Please,” he says and leans into her.

She wraps her arms around him and the blanket. “I also found coffee rolls...and apple streusel doughnuts. I wasn’t sure which you’d like better, or which Nia would like better, so I got two of each.”

“You’re the best,” Levi says, stifling a yawn.

Before long all of them have taken turns in the bathrooms. Pearl’s got the coffee on. And Nia’s awake and repackaging the doughnuts, so they can travel in three different cars.

Only Jesus eats a cinnamon roll and chugs some water before they leave the house.

“Take your cookies,” Nia says, setting the package of Fig Newtons in his hands. “You can eat these, you know?”

“I know. Thank you,” he says.

“Alright. I’m coming with y’all. Who’s driving with me?” Nia asks.

“I am!” Fran says.

“I’d like to,” Dominique adds.

“Mariana, you wanna ride with me?” Levi asks.

She nods, holding her coffee cup close.

“Can I have coffee? Please? It’s so early…” Fran begs.

Mariana sighs and smiles, pouring some into a travel cup. “I raised you right,” she says, patting Fran on the head.

Fran pushes her hand away, but then cuddles up to Mariana’s side. “I don’t wanna leave here. I haven’t even been in touch with Bella at all in days. She’s gonna hate me…”

“She’s not gonna hate you,” Mariana says. “She’s your friend. Tell her you were in a snowstorm. She’ll understand.”

“I guess…” Fran admits.

“So, I guess, you and me?” Pearl glances at Jesus.

“I guess,” Jesus nods.

“We should go,” Levi encourages. “If we wanna get you guys there with time to spare.

\--

Dominique is quiet in the car with Miss Nia and Fran. Roberta is loudly protesting being contained in her carrier, especially when she can smell doughnuts and coffee.

Fran sleeps against the window (despite wanting coffee, she hasn’t drunk any and crashed the minute the car started moving.)

“I loved...being here…” Dominique admits, once both the lemon doughnuts are gone.

“I loved having y’all here,” Miss Nia says. She expertly eats a coffee roll with one hand and drives with the other.

“I don’t wanna leave either…” Dom admits. “I feel...like we might not be back. If Pearl and Levi move out with us…”

“Maybe not…” Miss Nia comments.

“I mean, I’m sure Pearl and Levi would come back…” Dominique allows.

“Oh, I know they would,” Miss Nia says.

“But I’m saying...I’ll miss you…” Dominique manages softly. “Can we stay in touch? Not just through Pearl and Levi? Because...it’s important to me…”

“It’s important to me, too,” Miss Nia echoes. “Tell you what. Grab my phone out of my purse there, and put your name and number in it. That’s the best way to stay in touch. But if you’d like my address, you can have that, too. Do you kids write letters anymore?”

“Sometimes,” Dominique allows. “If I have someone to write to…”

\--

Levi drives, and Mariana sleeps. He plays the radio softly, and he’s glad she has headphones and sunglasses to block out the sensory stuff. He’s not a coffee drinker, but he’s definitely squirted about half a bottle of chocolate syrup into Pearl’s Costa Rican coffee and is nursing a giant thermos of it slowly as he drives.

The morning’s pretty.

He missed the sunrise, but still.

The day’s gonna go on. And he’ll be alright. He has Mom, and he has Pearl. And Panther. And maybe they can all find Dad’s journals someday and go through them together…

Levi glances at Mariana. 

She jerks awake, looking around them, nervous.

“We’re okay,” Levi reassures, and she settles back into sleep.

\--

“How many cinnamon rolls do you think it’s cool to have?” Jesus asks from the back seat. 

“Well...there were only two in the box. But I guess it’s possible to find more if you have some kind of cinnamon roll emergency?”

“I don’t. It’s just…” he clutches the package of Fig Newtons on his lap. “I need to talk about something that’s not what’s about to happen. I hate the airport…”

“I know,” Pearl nods, sympathetic. “So...I got a grand total of two hours of sleep last night…” she shares.

“What?” Jesus asks. “How are you alive?”

“I have no idea. I just...I was worried about Francesca having everything, and then I thought about breakfast and...there was just no way I was going back to sleep.”

“Don’t you usually sleep early though?” Jesus asks.

“Usually,” Pearl allows. “I stayed up late with Nia and Levi, though.”

“How’s that going? The familyness?” Jesus wonders.

“It’s...very different...but I like it. I think I’m getting used to it. Do you think you’ll look into speaking at Fran’s camp?”

“I’m planning to,” he says.

“There’s also a day for loved ones to visit,” Pearl confides. “I think it would be amazing if Levi and I could be there, even remotely? And if you and Mari and Dominique wanted to go?”

“Oh, that would be cool,” Jesus realizes. “Maybe, especially if I could swing speaking on the same night...or day...or whatever…”

“So, yeah, we should totally look into it,” Pearl says.

And it does help, to look forward to a time when they’ll be together again, rather than being focused on all the time they’ll be apart.

\--

The airport is busy and awful.

Mariana just leaves her headphones and everything on, but it barely takes the edge off. 

The hugs start happening before Mari’s ready. It’s a ton of overlapping voices and noise, not just from their group, but all the people everywhere. All the light and smells and just...everything…

“Here,” Pearl says, giving Mariana the bag of Costa Rican coffee she’s ground and resealed.

“What? It’s mine?” Mari asks.

Pearl nods. “You went so long with cold coffee, I thought you could use something warm.”

“Thank you,” Mariana says. Having it reminds her to chug the coffee she’s got and give the cup back to Pearl. She nudges Fran to do the same. They’ll have time to use the bathroom before they leave.

“I’m gonna stay awake for a billion hours…” Fran decides.

Mariana watches as Miss Nia hugs Dominique and says they’ll stay in touch. As Pearl and Dominique hug, too. Levi just looks at her, and after a long time Dominique nods and he does, too.

Jesus surprises Mari by actually hugging Miss Nia. “I have the cookies,” he tells her, patting his backpack.

“I’ll send you more - or any food at all - whenever you need it. Just let me know,” Miss Nia says. “That goes for any of y’all.”

Mariana swallows a lump in her throat.

Jesus hugs Levi for a long time, and Pearl for even longer. When Jesus and Pearl pull away, both are crying.

\--

Pearl’s hug to Fran is quick and super squishy. Pearl always hugs hard. Like she might never see you again in life and has to be sure to let you know how much she loves you right this minute.

She doesn’t say any words. That’s because Pearl is still crying from hugging Jesus. Then, she hugs Mari, too.

\--

Levi stoops down so he’s eye to eye with Fran. “Hey,” he says, not even trying to hide the fact that he’s crying. “I wanted to thank you again for my puzzle. I did it last night and it’s… It’s perfect.”

“Oh,” Fran says.

“I am sorry I didn’t explain about Dad’s chair earlier. I want you to know that I want you here,” Levi says softly.

“You do?” Fran asks, hesitating.

“I always want you here,” Levi says. “I’m so glad you came. This trip wouldn’t have been the same without you.”

“Bye,” she says, hugging him suddenly, tightly. “Thank you for my birthday and all my presents.”

“Of course. You only turn twelve once,” Levi says.

“It was my best birthday ever,” Fran confides, still hanging onto him.

“Well, you’re the best kid ever...so you deserve the best birthday,” he tells her.

And it’s hard to believe it’s true, but it’s Levi, so Fran tries her hardest.

“Bye,” she says again.

“Bye, Francesca,” Levi says, and then Mom’s there, standing in front of Fran.

\--

“Bye, baby,” Miss Nia says and it’s like Fran can’t even control what she says or does next.

“I love you,” Fran says, throwing her arms around Miss Nia.

It catches Fran totally by surprise when the tears just start gushing out.

“I don’t wanna go,” she sobs. “I just wanna stay with you.”

“Oh, I know, sweetie. I wish you could stay here, too. But listen. You got a nephew about to be born, right? And summer camp to go to?”

“Yes,” Fran sniffs, her breath hitching.

Miss Nia holds her face between both her hands. It feels good and safe, and sort of weird. “So, you put your number in here. And this is my home address. You write me...and you call me. You tell me all about that nephew of yours...and please tell me all about camp, alright? I’ve never been.”

It hits Fran that Miss Nia’s voice is kind of shaking. That her eyes are watery.

“Okay,” Fran manages.

\--

Mariana’s been trying to hold this off. 

She hates goodbyes. 

Hates them.

It feels like just yesterday, the last time they had to leave each other like this. It doesn’t get any easier.

They don’t talk. Mariana just moves her sunglasses to the top of her head and squints at Levi. Then, almost in the same moment, the grab hold of each other - hugging hard.

“Kiss for the road?” he asks.

And she gets what he means. They’re not going to have the chance to do this.

She nods.

And pours every bit of how she feels about him into this kiss. So that he can feel it. Can carry it with him.

She feels him giving it back to her.

After, they just sit. They just hold onto each other for as long as possible. Until she sees Levi stand, and walks away.

The taste of him, coffee and chocolate and grief, is still on her lips.

The love is with her, too, but that’s harder to feel right now.

\--

Fran tries to stop crying to get on the plane. She doesn’t want to be sobbing in front of strangers. It’s embarrassing. 

It helps that she has to pee from all the coffee. Mariana goes with her. There’s barely enough room for the two of them. She already went to the bathroom at the airport, but coffee just makes her have to go all the time.

At least her period is done. In time to go home. And all of her clothes are clean. So Moms won’t even have to know.

She hopes, anyway.

Fran has a billion things she could do, but crying made her so tired, so she just sleeps next to Mari. They sleep the whole entire flight.

It’s okay, because Jesus and Dominique stay awake.

\--

Dominique makes quick work of getting her own bags once they land in LA, but she waits with Fran, Mari and Jesus for theirs. They walk out to their cars together.

“Bye, guys,” she says. “See you soon.”

“Bye,” Jesus waves. “Thanks. You know, for everything. All your help...and your patience with me...and everything.”

“We’re friends, Jesus,” Dominique tells him. “I’ll be around tonight. Oh, unless I’m at Mom and Dad’s...which is entirely possible.”

“Okay. I think I’m gonna head home, after I drop off Mari and Fran, but I wanna get out of here...and Fran and Mariana are waiting in the car.

“Sounds good,” Dom says.

\--

It feels late by the time they land in LA. The time says 2 PM but it feels two hours later. Like they definitely should be eating dinner soon. There was lunch on the flight, and snacks, and Jesus definitely ate.

But if he never sees another damn luggage carousel or bag, it’ll be too soon. He can kinda cope with it now, but it still brings back hella awful memories coming back here from the first time in Minnesota. How he lost it on the drive home.

Now, he and Dudley are the only ones awake.

Mari and Fran are passed out in the back - asleep on each other’s shoulders.

Jesus will get to sleep soon enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> End of Part IV


	115. Boundaries

By the time they arrive home, it’s clear: Francesca has a streaming cold. 

Moms have vegan chili, and grilled tuna melts (with vegan cheese). They even have sour cream, shredded cheese and corn chips for Fran, if she wants them. She wants everything. 

It makes Mari happy to see her eat a good meal.

“How was your trip?” Lena asks. “Are you both okay? Fran, looks like you caught a cold.”

“We only got heat back yesterday,” Fran says, sipping her mint tea.

“So she went a long time without being warm enough,” Mari puts in. “It’s not her fault. We tried…”

“No, honey, I know. I know you tried.” Lena reassures. “The warm showers you both took should help. And getting some food into you.”

“What else happened on the trip, though?” Stef wants to know. “Did you have enough to eat?”

“Thank you...for the snacks… They really helped…” Mariana tells them.

“You’re welcome,” Stef says, surprised. “I wish I would’ve packed more…”

“What about your birthday?” Stef asks Fran.

“Oh! Here’s some pictures!” Fran shares, passing Moms her phone. 

“Oh, honey, these are great! Looks like you had fun. You got a Moana shirt. Look at that. And a Frozen backpack. Lots of makeup, that’s from you, Mari, huh?”

Mariana nods.

“Lena, look,” Stef shares.

“Oh, look. A new Harry Potter book. I bet you’re finished with it already,” Lena guesses with a smile.

“Well, I would be. But we were in the dark a lot. And we had to share our batteries.” Fran admits.

“Socks? Did Dominique know your feet were cold?” Stef wonders.

“Well, yeah, but it’s about the books,” Fran says, stopping short of admitting how much Dobby means to her as a character. Mariana stays quiet, too.

“And a sloth shirt from Jesus. I recognize the song reference!” Lena says happily.

“Because it’s from the olden days?” Fran asks, sniffling, a smile on her face.

“Hey,” Lena returns the smile. “Someday, Fran, all the things you loved growing up are going to be ‘from the olden days’ too.”

“And look at that cute sloth,” Stef says, in a way that doesn’t seem like Stef at all. “It looks so soft. Is it?”

“Yeah…” Fran agrees, shy.

“How was your thing?” Mari asks Stef, sipping her coffee. Hot coffee. Mariana can’t get enough, and it just barely gives her the energy to eat and have this conversation.

“My thing…” Stef asks. “My birthday?” 

Mari nods.

“Oh, it was alright. We decided to nix the joint celebration. And it was just Mama and me…”

“But you’re 50,” Francesca objects. “Didn’t you want a ginormous party?”

“I’m 27,” Stef jokes with a wink at them. “And no. I wanted all my babies to be okay and safe. Not knowing that, it was hard to celebrate…”

“We’re sorry,” Fran apologizes.

“Hey… You can’t control the weather. The important thing is, you’re here and safe. Now...you both look exhausted. Wanna hit the sack early tonight?”

Mariana nods, grateful.

Even though she slept the entire flight, Mariana’s exhausted. Days without heat and tons of snow will do that, apparently. 

At least Moms are getting used to this part. The fact that after a big trip, they’ll need downtime. 

It’s hard to actually sleep, with Fran up blowing her nose and coughing every few minutes from her own bed, but eventually Mariana reaches the exhaustion level needed to really sleep. Somewhere warm.

\--

Mari gets up at 3 AM, feeling wide awake.

They crashed early and now, it’s like, her body’s just up.

She makes her way to the bathroom and then down the hall to the stairs where she scoots down them in the dark.

“Hey…” Stef says from the couch, scaring years off Mariana, who jumps. “Oh, my baby, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you. Can’t sleep?”

Mariana nods. Then shakes her head. “I did. I’m up.”

“You did, and you’re up…” Stef echoes easily.

Mariana’s not sure if she’s being made fun of or not. It’s weird to think she’s not, but that’s the way Mariana’s leaning right now.

Stef pats the couch beside her. “Come, sit. If you’d like.”

Mariana feels strange coming to sit beside Stef now. Watching her set a book aside - Dave Whitfield’s  A Player’s Life \- again. Stef’s always reading about him. Or Tony Gwynn. When she reads. Which isn’t often.

“Good?” Mari asks, nodding at the book.

“Eh, I keep rereading the same page over and over,” Stef sighs. “I can’t focus, you know? If it wasn’t thinking and worrying about you kids up north all by yourselves in a blizzard, it’s thinking about Nick…about what this’ll mean for you.”

“It doesn’t mean anything,” Mariana denies. “I’m not going.”

“No. And you don’t have to. I just...I hate that it’s happening at all. That it happened...at all… To you,” Stef manages.

“It didn’t just happen, Mom,” Mariana objects. “He raped me. After he said I owed him. For the fancy dinner he invited me on. That he insisted on paying for.”

Tears spring to Stef’s eyes. She doesn’t know details. Any details.

“It doesn’t have anything to do with me. He doesn’t,” Mariana insists.

“Right, but it’s gotta be hard. It’s hard for me, just by association, honey.” Stef tries again.

Mariana falls silent. She’s damned if she shares, and damned if she doesn’t.

“We don’t know what’s going to happen with him, honey. But I’ll make sure… We’ll keep you safe.”

“You can’t,” Mariana objects.

“But I can try,” Stef pushes back, gentle. She raises a hand to brush Mari’s hair out of her face.

Mariana flinches.

Stef puts her hand down.

“Honey, I’m not going to hurt you. I would never hurt you,” Stef says, like  _ she’s _ hurt that Mari flinched.

“Okay,” Mari says, even though Stef  _ has _ hurt her. 

“I’m just...trying to let you know this is okay to talk about. You understand that, right? What I’m trying to do?”

Mariana makes a face. Everything Stef says sounds insulting. “I guess…” she admits.

“Well, maybe you can talk about it with Nadiya tomorrow…” Stef suggests yawning.

“Dr. Rahman,” Mariana corrects.

“Right. You know who I mean,” Stef says lightly. “I suppose you and Fran had to miss a session or two, what with the weather up there? How was that?”

Mariana shrugs. “I mean… That’s what happened.”

“But how do you feel about it? Was there… I don’t know… Did it feel harder? Without the outlet?”

“It felt fine,” Mariana insists. “I mean...I couldn’t really...do anything about it, so…”

“Right, I know…” Stef says. “I just...I’m so sorry about what happened and it’s kept me up at night, ever since we arrested him. And it’s just… I thought having you here would help the insomnia, but no such luck…”

“Do you want me… Like, should I apologize?” Mariana asks.

“No. It’s not your fault I can’t sleep. I just… It helps to commiserate, you know?”

“No. Because you don’t know,” Mariana says. She stands up. “I’m going to bed.”

\--

The next day, Fran stays home from school and Mariana has to be up by 10 AM for Dr. Rahman.

“Mariana, it’s good to see you. It’s been a while.” Dr. Rahman greets warmly.

Instead of searching for words on the spot, Mariana hands over her journal with pages marked and nods at her.

Dr. Rahman comes over to sit beside Mariana on the couch, with her consent. So they can both follow along in the journal.

“I see here, you were in a freak-blizzard in Minnesota. And it knocked out all your power...oh my… Hence, not being able to contact me…” she pauses, studying Mariana. “Do you want to talk about that?”

“It was cold,” Mariana remembers. “I was triggered.”

“Were you triggered from being cold? Or for other reasons? You don’t have to answer anything you’re not comfortable with. These are all just options.”

“Food…” Mariana adds.

“Ah, you were triggered because of food. It looks like you ended up running pretty low on food, yeah?” Dr. Rahman asks, sympathetic.

Mari nods.

“Did you want to tell me more about the food trigger?”

“It’s over,” Mariana offers.

“I understand, but if you need to process it anymore… I’m here to listen.” Dr. Rahman offers.

“It just...I remember...being a baby… Being left...stuck in a crib thing. And being so hungry...we chewed...on the side of it. And sometimes, that comes back…”

“The memory?” Dr. Rahman asks.

“No… Well, yes, and…”

“The memory  _ and _ the chewing?” Dr. Rahman checks, no judgment. 

Mariana nods. Her ears hurt, they’re so hot. She ducks her head.

“You look like you could be feeling embarrassed...maybe ashamed?” Dr. Rahman asks.

Mariana nods at her lap. 

“I see,” Dr. Rahman comments, gentle. “Who taught you to feel ashamed?”

“Lena,” Mariana admits. “And Stef…”

“Lena and Stef taught you to feel ashamed of chewing things when you were hungry?”

“...Desperate?” Mariana offers.

“Or when you felt desperate,” Dr. Rahman says, like Mariana’s just said something important.

“Talk to me about feeling desperate. You mentioned Lena and Stef made you feel ashamed for chewing...when you felt desperate. When was this?”

“When Jesus was missing,” Mariana fills in.

“So, you were...nine?” Dr. Rahman asks. “What else do you want to say about that time?”

“I was alone...and home sick from school. And Jesus had left school that day...because he didn’t feel good...and I… Just started thinking about him.” She shakes her head.

“Need to stop?” Dr. Rahman asks.

Mariana nods.

So they pause. Dr. Rahman offers tissues.

Eventually, they pick back up.

“Stef was… Last night...and earlier...she’s been…” Mariana tries.

“Last night, Stef was...doing what?” Dr. Rahman says.

“Talking to me. About,” here, Mariana just nods her head.

“Your nonverbal skills are something I aspire to… But I’m afraid I haven’t learned that particular signal. Talking to you about...what? Can you show me?”

“I texted you...at the cabin…” Mariana tries.

Dr. Rahman puts her glasses on and scrolls upward in her texts. “Ah. Yes, I see. So, Stef’s been talking to you about this. About him. And how do you feel about it?”

“Shitty,” Mariana admits. “It’s all about her. How bad  _ she _ feels. When she asks me about it she wants to...like..share… Like bond over it?” Mariana tries. “But then she says she’s sorry it happened to me. Like, it didn’t just  _ happen _ …”

“Okay. So, lets slow down a bit. Shall we? You said you feel shitty. I just want you to know that I hear that. And that is so valid.”

“Okay,” Mariana nods, letting out a breath.

“You also said when Stef speaks to you about this… It’s about how  _ she _ feels about it. And she wants this to...perhaps be a shared interest that you two can bond over?”

Mariana wrinkles her nose. Nods.

“How do you feel when she says that?” Dr. Rahman asks.

“Like she doesn’t have a fucking clue. It hurts her feelings… It hurts my...goddamn soul. He killed a part of me. She doesn’t get that.” Mariana manages. Her voice is thick, but her eyes are dry.

“It sounds like you might feel hurt,” Dr. Rahman offers. “Perhaps, misunderstood? Which, given your history with your mothers is not a very safe feeling… Accurate so far?”

Mariana nods.

“Do you feel comfortable continuing?” Dr. Rahman asks.

Another nod from Mariana.

“I heard you say that Stef was sorry  _ it happened _ to you. And you mentioned it didn’t just happen. Were you able to share this with Stef?”

Again, Mariana nods.

“What was her reaction?” Dr. Rahman presses.

“She cried. Then she just kept talking...as if I was talking to her. Just like she used to… Like...it doesn’t matter if I’m there or not.”

“She’s done this before?” Dr. Rahman asks.

“All the time. She asks me questions..basic...questions...like… Like you’d ask a stranger? It’s like...she doesn’t want to know me now. At all. And...here...it didn’t matter what I said...or that I said anything at all…”

“So, you were feeling…” Dr. Rahman prompts.

“Invisible. Like she really didn’t care about me at all. It’s about her. Again. As usual.”

“How do you feel about setting up some boundaries with Stef around this particular topic?” Dr. Rahman asks.

Mariana’s eyes lock on Dr. Rahman’s. “Please.”

“So, here’s what you do. When she brings up this subject with you...you say, “No,” and walk away. Or, simply walk away. This may take some repetition. But you’re free to do it as many times as necessary.”

Mariana raises her eyebrows. “What if she follows me?”

“You have the right to leave an unsafe situation. If she is making your trauma about her...and putting you in the position where you must support her through it? That is unsafe. So, keep walking. Put space between the two of you. Shut a door. Lock a door. Leave the house.”

“What about Fran?” Mariana asks.

“You can leave together,” Dr. Rahman suggests. “They’re not to stop you. It’s in the contract they signed.”

“Oh, right,” Mariana nods.

“Would you like to practice saying no to me? Walking away?” Dr. Rahman asks.

“There’s no point,” Mariana shrugs. “I know I can say no to you. I just...I’ll just leave. If I have to. Walk away.”

“We’re almost out of time...but I also wanted to offer… Amazon has all manner of sensory toys. When you’re ready...give them a search. You might find something there that can help. And until then, it’s perfectly alright to carry food with you.”

Mariana smiles and shows her one of Jess’s Oats and Honey granola bars.

“Look at you! Ahead of the game! I’m proud of you. And listen, I’d love to hear about your friends when we meet next. If you’d like to share.”

Mariana nods. “I’d love to.”


	116. Journey

It’s been four days since Francesca’s been back home. And it will be her first time actually back in Dr. H’s office since before they left for the cabin.

It feels weird.

Driving over with Jesus. Being back to regular life. It feels kind of like their trip never even happened. Except that Fran has all these things that prove it did.

(Her birthday presents and pictures, part of a box of Dementor bars, and her awful cold that makes her pretty sure her nose will never stop running.)

She wants to ask Jesus if he’s ever felt like this, but he looks super focused. And Fran is actually super tired. She isn’t used to getting up at 6:30 anymore and doing stuff for hours in a row.

So she just kind of sleeps until she gets to the office.

“I’ll be out here,” Jesus promises.

“Okay,” Fran answers and walks in when Dr. H. opens the door.

“Hi, Francesca. It’s good to see you,” Dr. H. greets.

“Yeah, hi,” Fran says, not even caring she’s not being super polite. She sprawls in the big brown chair. The back is too far back and she’s too small to reach the floor. It makes sprawling hard.

“How are you feeling?” Dr. H. asks.

“I have a cold...from being cold…” Fran says, and when she sneezes, it’s right on cue. Like she planned it. Except, her cold really is just that annoying.

“I see that,” Dr. H. says, sympathetic. She offers Francesca tissue. “How are your emotions?”

“Tired...and depressed…” Fran adds. It feels weird to be just saying all of this, but Fran doesn’t have the energy to fight it. “It’s like the trip never even happened…”

“I hear that you’re tired and depressed,” Dr. H. says. She hands Francesca some blue slime to play with. “Would you like to tell me more about why it feels like your trip never happened.”

“Because it’s just like, poof, back to regular life,” Fran offers flatly. She stretches the slime and it feels good. Kind of wet, and smooth and stretchy.

When she’s done playing with it, Fran sets it on the lid of the container, and watches it get slurped back in all by itself. She smiles a little.

“Would you say,” Dr. H. asks, handing her a Sadness doll from _ Inside Out.  _ “That you’re disappointed because nothing has changed here?”

“Kinda…” Fran allows. “Like, again, I got to go somewhere where it felt-- I don’t know. I felt loved, I guess. And now I’m back here,” she shrugs.

“And how does it feel to be back here?” Dr. H. prompts gently.

“Not loved,” Francesca says, cuddling Sadness. “It just reminds me of all the times Moms were mean to me. Hurt me. Like… I even hate that I told you when they left me back at Christmas, because now...I have to live with them again, and what if they find out?”

“They will not find out,” Dr. H. reassures. “The only way they would find out is if you decided to tell them yourself. That’s your private business.”

“Okay,” Fran says.

“How’s school?” Dr. H. checks.

“Busy and boring,” Fran reports. “I’m tired because of getting up super early again, and I have tons of homework I can’t even keep up with…”

“Okay...well, let’s see what we can do about that…” Dr. H. says.

They spend time separating Francesca’s classes: ones with no homework, ones with doable homework, and ones with homework where she needs help. Math, Science and Social Studies are where she has the most homework, and where she needs the most help.

So, they figure out a plan for that.

Dr. H. even encourages her to call Pearl and Levi when she hears how good they are at homework. And maybe get Dominique’s dad to help, too, if any of them even want to.

Luckily for her, they all say yes - except Michael - probably because he’s busy baking something.

“Does that make you feel less overwhelmed?” Dr. H. asks.

“I guess so,” Fran nods.

“Did you want to share anything more about the blizzard or your feelings there?”

“I felt like I was about to have surgery...like the whole entire time…” Fran admits. “Until we got to Miss NIa’s.”

“You did?” Dr. H. says, curious. “Tell me more about that, if you’re comfortable.”

“Like...it took me a while to figure it out...why I felt so bad during it. But it’s like...every surgery...after it? I feel shaky. I feel super cold and I can’t warm up. My body hurts and I...I’m always starving right before it...and I have no appetite after. At least...that’s what I remember from my surgery when I was nine…”

“I see,” Dr. H. says. “So, being cold and in pain and hungry brought you back to feelings you experienced in the hospital. During instances of medical trauma.”

“What’s medical trauma?” Fran asks. 

“Having a surgery you didn’t consent to. It’s trauma because of the mark it left on your brain and it’s medical, because--”

“Because doctors did it. I mean, surgeons,” Fran corrects. She sighs. “P.S. I didn’t really want to tell you about Moms leaving me behind at Christmas…” Fran admits. “It felt like a good idea at the time...because I was, like, so far away from them? But now...I don’t know. I think I shouldn’t have done it.”

“It sounds like my knowing that piece of your history is worrying you a lot,” Dr. H. observes.

“It is…” Fran admits. “I feel like I’m not supposed to tell you that.”

“I see. Did your mothers tell you that?” Dr. H. asks, no judgement. 

“No. It’s just a feeling I got,” Fran shares. “I also had a lot of bad memories during the blizzard. I can’t remember if I told you…”

“We have about fifteen minutes left, but I’d love to hear what you have to tell me,” Dr. H. invites.

“Like, Mari being in the hospital and me sleeping alone in our room, Brandon using me as a human shield and dropping me in the water and then me when I was a baby. And one was a dreamory that I had when I was sleeping. I was in a high chair and Moms were yelling and Jesus ran away. They went after him and I was all alone.”

“Those memories sound very scary,” Dr. H. says, her face concerned. “These all surfaced during the blizzard?”

“Yup,” Fran nods, sitting up finally to put Sadness away.

“Do you know what they all have in common? Even your memories connected to surgery?” Dr. H. asks.

Fran shakes her head.

“Think back. Did you go through those times with other people? Or alone?”

“Alone,” Fran realizes.

“So, do you think you felt unprotected, or protected?” Dr. H. asks.

“Unprotected,” Fran answers. She likes it when Dr. H. helps her to the right answer instead of just expecting her to figure it out. Dr. H. never forgets that Francesca’s only twelve.

They decide to invite Jesus in for the last few minutes, so that he can know about her unprotected feelings.

“What did you do when you felt unprotected? Say, when you had the dreamory?” Dr. H. asks.

“I called for Jesus,” Fran remembers.

“I see, and what did you do, Jesus?” Dr. H. asks.

“I comforted you. Right, Buddy?” he checks. “And when you shared about the dreamory, I confirmed it for you. That it actually happened.”

“That’s some really good trust you both are building with each other. And Francesca, I am very proud of you. You have great instincts. I’d like you to keep practicing trusting yourself and reaching out for your safe people when you feel unprotected.” Dr. H. encourages.

“Is it my job?” Fran asks.

“You used to ask that when you were little,” Jesus realizes. “What do you mean by it?”

“Like...is it all on me?” Fran checks.

“No,” Dr. H. reassures. “Because they’re safe adults, the Avoiders, for example, will be able to pick up when you’re feeling distressed and they’ll be there for you. This isn’t meant as pressure as much as it is meant as an opportunity to practice a fantastic new coping skill you’re learning.

“Oh. Okay, then,” Fran nods. “Thank you.”

“Thank you,” Jesus echoes.

“See you next week,” Dr. H. calls.

\--

“Oh, my God, you would not believe how glad I am to be home,” Dominique remarks. She’s at the stove, stirring the spaghetti sauce because Dad had to leave it to take a phone call.

“Oh, I’d believe it,” Mom says. “I was so worried about you, babe. No heat, no light...Dad was freaking out about no food…”

“We eventually just headed to stay with Levi’s mom for the last few days,” Dominique reassures her. “Fran was getting a cold - which she still has - and we were all just cold all the time… It wasn’t good for any of us.”

“No, I’m sure it wasn’t…” Mom adds.

Dominique’s already been in touch with Miss Nia. She calls - or Miss Nia calls - every morning, just to say hello. It’s nice.

“Hey, we’re here!” Francesca calls.

Dominique goes to the door, to see Jesus walking in with Francesca and Mariana.

“Hey! It’s been so long,” Dominique remarks, laughing.

“I know, like, four days…” Mariana grins once they’re sitting down.

“I missed all of you so much,” Mom says, hugging Fran and Mari and even Jesus accepts a hug from her.

“I don’t have to do homework tonight, do I, Michael?” Fran asks.

“No, ma’am, you do not,” Dad reassures. “Tonight is reserved for spaghetti-eating and joy.”

“I don’t know that emotion,” Fran says, but then she cracks up laughing.

“You are hilarious,” Dominique tells her, hugging her for the longest. “I missed you. How’s your cold?”

“Still here,” Fran says, sniffling for a good measure. “And I hate it.”

“Well, maybe some spaghetti will help, and for dessert, we’ve got vegan peanut butter cookie bars.” Dad says, with a grin at Mariana.

“Ooh, it’s a good thing Levi’s not here,” Fran says.

“Why is that?” Dad asks.

From the look on her face, Francesca is remembering privacy. “No reason!” she says brightly. “Let’s eat.”

\--

“So, Stef’s pretty much leaning on you in all the wrong ways, it sounds like,” Jaimie comments as she, Mariana and Dominique sip their coffee.

Mariana definitely doesn’t regret bringing over Pearl’s Costa Rican blend. 

“Pretty much,” Mariana nods. “And it’s like...I talked to my counselor basically...about boundaries and whatever with her? But…” she lowers her voice. “I know what happens when I actually do it.”

“When you actually do what?” Dominique asks.

“Walk away? She follows me. It gets bad,” Mariana admits, biting her lip.

“Before or after the workshop?” Jaimie checks.

“Before, I guess...but it’s like...not anything I wanna test out...at least not on this?” Mariana hesitates.

“Could you email her?” Dominique asks. “Or, like, your counselor could email her and just say, like, this topic is off limits?”

“That’s a good idea,” Mariana nods. She texts Dr. Rahman right then, before the idea leaves her head. “Thanks,” she nods at Dominique.

“Of course,” Dominique nods.

\--

Jesus is so not expecting it when Fran bites into one of Michael’s vegan peanut butter cookie bars and immediately spits the mouthful out onto her plate.

“Buddy…” Jesus begins. He has to make a conscious effort not to reprimand her. He knows what it’s like to need to do what she did. And he knows what it’s like to be shamed for it. “Are you okay?”

Francesca drinks some Costa Rican coffee. 

(It’s not so weird. Callie apparently came drinking coffee around the same age. And with Mariana drinking it all the time, it just kinda makes sense that Fran would, too.)

“I’m sorry,” she gasps, her eyes watering. “That’s disgusting. I mean...something felt disgusting in my mouth. No offense…” Fran chugs more coffee. “Something chewy and soft...and so weird…” she shivers.

“Oh. There are dates in here,” Jesus realizes with another bite. “It’s a fruit, I think.”

“None taken,” Michael says. “Sorry about that, Francesca.” He gets up and comes back with a couple homemade chocolate chip cookies.

“You okay?” Dominique calls from the kitchen.

“Yes,” Fran says. “I’m okay.”

“So...Dominique was saying you spent time with Levi’s mother. How was that?” Michael asks.

“She’s basically the best,” Fran gushes.

“She is,” Jesus confirms.

“But Mari and I aren’t even telling Moms that part at all. Or anybody really, except you guys,” Fran shares. “So the story is like, we just stayed at the cabin the whole time, even though we didn’t.”

“But...they know we didn’t. We told them we went somewhere else to stay.” Jesus points out.

“Yeah, but they don’t get to know where,” Fran objects. “Because we don’t want to wreck the nice memory with them knowing.”

“Okay,” Jesus says, his hands up. “That’s up to you guys.”

\--

They stay and talk until Mariana mentions she’s getting tired. Then, Dominique gathers up Roberta, Hugs Mom, and side-hugs Dad, and then they leave for home.

It was a good night.

Being together again.


	117. Telling

It doesn’t take long at all for Fran’s life to get back to the same old thing it was before she went to Minnesota. It’s what always happens. She’s glad for the warm weather. For the heat and the light and the refrigerator and to be able to eat warm food, but she’s not glad to be back with Moms. 

Or to face school again.

She hasn’t really been able to talk to Jesus much about what exactly he’s going to do.

For about a week, things are okay. Nothing happens, because Fran is so busy readjusting to school and homework that she doesn’t have time to even talk to Bella.

But by then, Isabella’s feelings are starting to get hurt. 

“Hey…” she asks, rushing up to Fran the minute she sees her the next Monday. “Did you...like...not wanna be friends now?”

They sit on the log outside school. They have time before it starts officially.

“No… I mean… What?” Fran asks, her tired brain finally catching up to what Bella says.

“You haven’t texted me...or talked to me...since really early on spring break… Did I...do something? Say something? Because I’d rather you just tell me.”

“No...it’s not… It’s not that,” Fran admits. “We had a big blizzard there and it knocked out all the power, so I couldn’t text you. It only came back the day before we left. So I only had time to charge my phone and then leave, basically.”

“But you’ve been back for a whole week…” Isabella points out.

“Yeah, and I got a cold from being cold, and I had tons of homework to do…” Fran admits. She lowers her voice. “I still like you.”’

“Yeah, but do you  _ like _ -like me?” Bella asks.

Fran glances around. “My cold’s gone. So I  _ could _ ... _ show _ you how much I  _ like _ -like you…” 

Fran texts four words:

_ Can I kiss you? _

“Oh,” Bella says, smiling a little. “Okay.”

“Are you sure?” Fran asks.

She and Bella both check around them. No kids are close by. None are even watching. They’re kind of hidden by trees.

“Very sure,” Bella says with a smile.

Fran leans over and kisses Bella on the cheek. Her skin feels soft under Fran’s lips. It’s fast. Over before Francesca can really figure out much more about it - only that it feels right and good. Only that she’d like to do it again.

Bella’s cheeks are rosy. She looks so pretty. Francesca just wants to kiss her again, but the bell rings.

They stand up to go inside. Fran doesn’t realize until they hear the taunts that she and Bella are holding hands. They do it without even thinking now - Bella offering a hand - Fran accepting. But usually not when people are around.

“Hey, Gonzalez!” Michael Smith, Fran’s mortal enemy, calls at Isabella. “Was it you that made Francesca gay? Or was it her parents?”

Just then, both of their phones buzz. Fran checks. It’s the picture of them on the log. Of Fran kissing Bella. From Michael Smith.

It has the offensiest words ever underneath that Fran doesn’t even read. She just deletes it.

“Come on,” Bella says.

“Come where?” Fran asks.

“Just trust me. I know where we can go…” Bella urges.

\--

There were many places Fran thought Bella might take them: the office, or maybe Kari’s class...or the bathrooms maybe…

Fran never expects it to be here, though…

“What are you doing?” Fran hisses. “You know I got in such big trouble for talking to him…”

“We’re not talking to him as your bio-parent. He’s my Language teacher… Timothy…” Bella says, breathless, coming in his class and closing the door.

“Isabella...hello…” he greets. “Hello, Francesca,” he adds.

Fran’s heart stutters in her chest. “Hello,” she says, and it sounds weird.

“Everything alright?” he asks.

“No,” Bella says. “Michael, he… He took a picture of us...and he texted it to everybody…”

“When?” Timothy wonders, curious.

“Now. It just happened,” Isabella insists.

“What picture?” Timothy wants to know. His voice is soft. Serious. It reminds Fran that Mariana talked to him. That he said he hoped she enjoyed sixth grade and wanted to know her, too. Even gave his email for Mari to keep.

“Don’t show him,” Fran begs.

“What? Fran, we have to,” Isabella says. “For it to stop.”

“No… Please…” Fran begs. “Can’t you just… Trust us…?”

“I suppose you can show the picture yourselves if you choose to. Shall we go down to the office? Speak to someone there? A counselor?”

Francesca’s torn. She wants to protect Bella. Showing the picture might just be a way to do that. And to make sure Michael Smith faces some consequences for being a peon.

Finally, she nods at Bella. “Show him…”

Isabella shows Timothy the picture.

He puts on his glasses to see it better. “You did the right thing, both of you. I’ll handle this. Can you step outside for a moment, Isabella? I have to speak to Francesca privately.”

Isabella’s eyes find Francesca. There are questions in them.

Fran nods. “It’s fine.”

It pops into her mind how she feels a million times safer one on one with Timothy than she does with Stef or Lena. It makes her wish she lived with him and not them.

He waits until Isabella’s gone, and the door is closed behind her.

Her heart pounds. Timothy is going to talk to her alone. Maybe tell her he can’t wait until she’s eighteen or something.

“Francesca...I have to speak to Lena about this…” he admits, like he’s sorry. “Legally. If I speak to you...I have to let her know…”

Lena. So this is a Mama thing. Not a principal thing.

She gulps.

“Do you have to tell her what it’s about?” Fran asks, her voice all deep and shaking.

“I want to keep your confidence, Francesca. And I would never out you, or Isabella. But if she asks...I may have to give some details.”

“Do you have to show her the picture?” Fran croaks.

“If it comes up...Isabella might be asked to, yes,” Timothy tells her.

Fran nods, feeling tense and numb all at once.

“I think it’s best to deal with this head on. So I’m going to get Isabella, and I’ll take you both down to speak with Principal Adams Foster. She’ll know what action to take next.”

\--

Walking down to Lena’s office is the worst. 

She has so much trauma from doing it last year that her body remembers. She hates this. It’s like her skin is crawling all over her whole body.

Fran stands back, looking at Bella.

“Why did he wanna talk to you alone?” she whispers.

“He just...wanted to know if I was okay with Lena seeing that picture of us...since she’s my mom, too…” Fran admits. She doesn’t feel comfortable telling Bella that Timothy has to tell Lena Fran talked to him.

It still makes her feel like talking to Timothy is super wrong.

But Fran can’t stop the thought that she’s about to be in a room with both her bio parents at once.

It’s so weird.

She thinks about doing a Marco Polo to the Avoiders, just in case Lena gets super mad again, but she wouldn’t do that at school. Plus, Fran doesn’t want The Avoiders to all know what this is about.

It’s bad enough that Lena will know.

\--

“Principal Adams Foster?” Timothy asks. “May we come in? It’s urgent…”

Lena glances up from her computer screen. She’s surprised to see Timothy in the doorway, flanked by Isabella Gonzalez...and Francesca.

“Yes. Please, come in…”

Lena swallows. Her heart pounds in her chest. She’s never seen Francesca and Timothy next to each other before. The resemblance is uncanny.

Francesca keeps looking back and forth between Lena and Timothy. She looks wary.

“What’s going on?” Lena wonders.

“Michael Smith bullied me,” Isabella says, keeping her chin up.

“Isabella’s in class with me sixth period. She came to tell me what was going on,” Timothy shares.

“And Francesca… Were you bullied, too?” Lena asks.

Francesca swallows and nods.

“Well, in order to take action, I need details. What exactly happened?” Lena wonders.

Francesca and Isabella look at each other. Timothy is conspicuously silent.

Fran whispers to Isabella, who whispers to Timothy. Isabella hands her phone to Timothy, and then she and Fran step outside.

\--

“Timothy, what is going on?” Lena wonders.

“Michael Smith circulated a picture of Francesca and Isabella… They both consented to me sharing this with you, but Francesca is...concerned about your reaction…”

Lena accepts the phone and squints at the screen. Her heart leaps and sinks at the image in front of her. Francesca giving Isabella an innocent peck on the cheek. The offensive text underneath. The name and number, attributed to Michael Smith.

“Alright. Thank you. For telling me… I’ll write the girls a pass back to class. Connie?” she says getting the secretary on the line. “I need you to send a pass for Michael Smith, please?”

\--

Fran can barely concentrate the whole rest of the day.

At the end, in Language, with Liv, there’s end-of-the-day announcements given by Lena. She starts by reminding them:

“I’d like to remind the student body of our zero tolerance policy for bullying. This includes cyber-bullying. Anyone harassing students online or through text will be suspended.”

Francesca swallows.

Why does it feel like Lena’s talking about her?

(Maybe because she got three days of detention once, for bullying…)

She doesn’t see Bella for the rest of the day either.

Fran hopes she’s okay.

\--

Lena’s waiting to pick Fran up at the end of the day. Francesca gets in the car and stays quiet.

“Honey… Why didn’t you tell me about liking Isabella?” Lena asks.

Fran’s cheeks burn. “I don’t wanna talk about this…”

“I just want you to know… It’s nothing to be embarrassed about. Did you think Mom and I would be mad?”

“I don’t know…” Francesca admits. (It’s so hard to tell what will make them mad…)

“Well, it’s perfectly natural to have a crush at your age. And you and Isabella...you did the right thing...going to an adult, okay?”

“Is Michael suspended?” Francesca asks.

“He is...and everyone else knows now that if they send that picture around and I know about it? They’ll get suspended, too…”

“They think you and Mom made me gay…” Fran admits.

“Honey… You know that’s not true…” Lena says. “My parents are both straight. Mom’s parents are both straight. Who your parents are doesn’t determine your orientation.”

“ _ I know _ that,” Fran grumbles. “Tell them. The kids at school…”

“I just… I don’t understand why you’d keep this a secret, Francesca. Do you feel ashamed? Clearly, not, if you’re kissing in public…”

“Mama!” Fran exclaims. “Rude!”

“I’m sorry. I don’t understand this, Francesca. You have Mom and I. We’re right here. We’ll answer anything you want to know. It’s something we have in common. We haven’t raised you to be ashamed…”

( _ Not of this… _ Fran thinks.)

“Please, talk to me. What was going through your head? You’re not in trouble,” Lena begs. “Talking to Timothy was the right thing. Has this been going on long?”

“No...I just… I don’t know, okay? I was just trying to figure it out first,” Fran complains. 

She can’t wait until they get home and then she heads for her room and the closet, where she closes the door. Mariana’s right there, knocking on it. Fran knows that Mari got to go talk to her therapist today. And even got to tell her all about Jess and Elise, her new friends. Fran can’t wait to go to camp, so she’ll have new friends, too, and be away from here.

“What?” Mari asks.

“Lena’s ruining my life…” Fran complains.

\--

And it’s true. 

By dinner time, Stef knows, too, and she just brings it up. Even though Mariana doesn’t know yet. Even though Brandon and Talya are over eating, too.

“So, Mama said you had quite a time today…” Stef says apologetically. “Kids can be cruel.”

“Uh-oh,” Talya says, concerned. “What happened?”

“Fran and her girlfriend were bullied,” Stef shares, just like NBD.

Brandon, Talya and Mariana all look at Fran like they’re shocked.

“Whoa. Since when?” Brandon asks. “Since when did my baby sister get a girlfriend? Way to go, Frankie.”

“Stop!” Fran exclaims. “That’s not the big deal here! The big deal here is that we were  _ bullied _ ! And that’s not fair! But instead I just keep feeling like we were wrong!”

“Oh… Honey, no…” Lena tries. “You’re not in trouble. She’s sensitive about this, Brandon… I warned you…” she says, dropping her voice.

“Sorry,” he whispers back. He goes to stab at his green beans.

“I wasn’t ready! I wasn’t ready for anybody to know!” Fran exclaims, scraping her chair back and rushing from the table.


	118. Remember

It’s Monday night, when Levi glances at his phone after work and sees it. The notification on his phone. Dominique’s grief anniversary is tomorrow. And Levi promised that they would all come through for her. That no one would forget.

First thing’s first: he calls Dominique.

She’s the priority here, and she needs to know she is. That nothing’s gonna happen except what she absolutely consents to.

“Hey,” she says when he calls her number, and Dominique answers.

“Hey.” he responds, feeling uncomfortable for a minute. They don’t speak on the phone much.

“You alright?” Dominique asks.

“Yeah. Yes, I just… Tomorrow?” he asks. “I was wondering if you needed anything in particular?”

“Oh,” she says.

The way she sounds so surprised just breaks Levi’s heart. “Dominique, I promised. I keep my word. Do you need anything?” he presses, gentle.

“Just… Don’t forget? Let me know you know...like...the day and what it means...maybe listen if I want to talk...but don’t push...and let them come to it on their own.”

“I’m sorry?” Levi apologizes.

“The Avoiders. I know part of your promise was to make sure they didn’t forget me either...but it means less if I know you’re behind the scenes making sure everyone remembers. This means something because I know it’s genuine.”

“Okay,” Levi nods. There’s a pause. “How are you tonight?” he asks.

“I’m coping,” she says.

“I hear a sewing machine,” he points out confused.

“Yeah, that’s how I’m coping…” she says back.

“Okay,” he nods.

“Is the store… Is that still okay?” Dominique checks.

“Kinda?” Levi offers. “I’m still known to have panic attacks the second a blonde woman walks in? But other than that…”

“That seriously sucks. I hope something opens up soon here…” Dominique says.

“I hope so, too,” he responds. “Speaking of? I’ll be there tomorrow, but I’ll make sure to check in. Is your mom coming over tonight?”

“I’m not sure…” Dominique says. “I might be okay without her this year.”

“Don’t be afraid to reach out if you do. Or let her in if she’s trying to help and you find you do need her… That’s what my mom would say, anyway.”

“Alright. Thanks for the call, Levi. Hang in there tomorrow,” Dominique advises.

“You, too,” he says back.

\--

Fran is still basically heartbroken that Moms told everybody in the family that she and Isabella have a thing. That she even has a girlfriend in the first place.

It’s bad enough that Michael 2 spread around a picture of her kissing Bella. What if the news gets it, like they got the pictures of Jesus and Mariana last year? What if everybody in the world finds out Fran’s secret?

“Fran? You okay?” Mari asks coming in.

“No,” Fran admits. “Moms told everyone…”

“Not everyone,” Mariana mentions, trying to be nice about it.

“Yeah, but everyone at dinner,” Francesca objects. “And I didn’t want them to.”

“They shouldn’t have,” Mariana says, sitting down. “I told them.”

“You did? Do you…?” Fran asks. “What if? I mean… What if, like, hypothetically, a picture got out of me and Bella?”

Mariana closes her eyes.

“I’m sorry,” Fran apologizes. “I didn’t know Michael 2 was taking pictures. We checked around first, I promise!”

“No. Fran. It’s not your fault. And I’m not mad. I just… I know how it feels? And I’m so sorry he did that. To both of you,” she reassures, putting an arm around Fran’s shoulders.

“Moms think they know what this is like, but they don’t…” Fran objects. “They’re so, like, fine with it, that they think I’m fine with it, too. But I’m not. Nobody knows what that’s like. None of my friends like girls, except for Bella, and I’m afraid she hates me now.”

“Call her,” Mari encourages.

Fran bites her lip. She and Bella don’t call. But maybe she should. Calls show up on a list with times and stuff. But it’s not the same thing as texts, which stay forever. She doesn’t want her texts used against them.

Mariana puts on headphones to watch Netflix, and Fran goes into the closet and closes the door.

“Hi,” she says when Bella picks up.

“Hey,” Bella says back. “Are you okay?”

“I was just gonna say that,” Fran laughs a little. “So… Are you?”

“I’m used to Michael...and people like him… I’m just worried about you. That you might not...want to...you know...again.”

“Is  _ you know _ kissing?” Francesca asks.

“It’s...this. Whatever our thing is…” Bella hesitates.

“I do. I want to  _ you know _ again,” Fran says. “My moms...they...kinda told everybody at dinner...that we were bullied. That I have a girlfriend.”

“Who’s everybody? Your whole entire family?” Bella asks. 

“Mariana...which I was gonna tell her anyway. But Brandon...and Talya,” Fran fills in.

“Brandon?” Isabella groans. “Do I even wanna know what he said?”

“No, you really don’t. He basically made it all about that I had a girlfriend and not even about Michael 2 bullying us. He was like, ‘ _ Why didn’t you tell us? _ ’ Like I was the bad one…”

“He’s such a jerk,” Bella says.

“I know,” Fran nods. “Anyways. I just wanted to know if you’re okay.” The words about how worried Fran is about the pictures getting around block up her throat. If she tells Bella this, she’ll for sure want to stop this. Stop everything.

And Bella’s the only person who makes school even kind of okay.

“Fran? Were you gonna say something else?” Bella wonders. (It’s always like she can read Fran’s mind.)

“Is it…? I mean...would it be okay if I maybe told Callie? She might understand...and she wouldn’t spread anything around, I don’t think,” Fran asks.

“Francesca, who you tell? That’s up to you.” Isabella says.

“Yeah, but you’re involved, so it’s up to you, too…” Fran points out.

“I’m fine with whoever you tell. I trust you. And I’m sorry your moms told Brandon and Talya and Mariana before you got to tell them yourself...or not…” Bella apologizes.

“Okay, bye,” Fran says. “I love you.”

“I love you back,” Bella says and hangs up.

\--

Fran gets Callie on video chat and doesn’t waste any time. “Did Moms ever tell people when you were dating Ximena? Like before you ever wanted them to?”

“No,” Callie answers. “Moms didn’t know until the whole family knew. Well, except Mariana.”

Fran sighs, disappointed. “They did it to me…” she admits.

“They did what to you?” Callie wonders.

“They told everybody tonight at dinner that me and a girl at school I like are getting bullied. They said I have a girlfriend. To Brandon and Talya.”

Callie winces. “I’m so sorry. Are you okay? How long has the bullying been going on?”

Fran shrugs. “Only this year so far...like, about this…”

“Francesca, there’s like, a month left in the year. You’ve been dealing with this by yourself? Why didn’t you come to me?”

“Because you’re busy…” Fran admits.

“Never too busy for you,” Callie says.

Just then an obnoxious sound plays and an alert pops up on Callie’s face. It’s from Fran’s calendar.

About Dominique.

“I gotta go,” Fran says. “But thanks.”

“Let me know if you need anything at all.”

“I will,” Fran promises.

\--

Tuesday dawns, and it feels different. Dominique has been sewing. It’s an odd project. One she’s never taken on before. But once the idea caught in her head, she couldn’t let it go.

She’s nearly done. And once she is, Dominique’s not sure what she’ll do with what she’s made. It’s not as if she has a place to leave it.

Her phone chimes with a video call. 

It’s 7:55 AM.

And it’s Francesca. Calling from school, presumably.

Dominique answers. “Hey, babe. What’s up? You okay?”

“Are  _ you _ ?” Fran asks. “My calendar said your grief is today...and my auditory learning brain...well...I remembered how you told me that you had a baby one time and…yeah…”

“Yeah...this is my sad day about her..one of them. You’re right,” Dominique confirms.

“What are you doing?” Fran wonders, squinting at Dom in her costume room.

Dominique holds up the tiny caterpillar costume she’s been working on. Complete with a hat and antennae. “Making this. My first costume was a bee. And I… I don’t wanna assume she’d like everything I did, but…”

“Maybe she’d be a cute caterpillar…” Fran offers.

“Maybe,” Dominique nods, wiping her eyes.

“I gotta go to school, but I just wanna say I love you.” Fran says.

“I love you, too, babe. More than you know.”

\--

It’s noon when Mom calls. 

“Hey, babe. You okay? I’m so sorry I had to go in today. I tried to get out of it, but my boss, he just…”

“I’m alright,” Dominique reassures. “Lena was here. She checked in. Levi called last night…and Fran did this morning.”

“Did they?” Mom asks. “How was that?”

“Good,” Dominique nods.

“And how are you?” Mom checks. “For real?”

“I’m alright,” Dominique repeats. “It’s...weird, I guess. I’ve got a project so… It’s like...a place for all the energy to go.”

“Sounds good. You need anything? Supplies? I can bring them by later on,” Mom offers.

“I think I’m good on supplies, but I’d love to see you.” Dominique admits.

“I’ll be there this evening,” Mom promises.

\--

Time gets away from Dominique until afternoon, when there’s a knock on her door.

“Hey…” she says, pulling it open, shocked to see Jesus and Mari standing in the hall.

“Hey...we...uh…” Jesus begins, uncomfortable. “We wanted to check in. My phone...it said you had a thing today.”

Dominique nods and opens the door wider. When they’re inside and seated on the couch, Mariana opens her arms. Surprised, Dominique accepts her hug.

“Are y’all sure Levi didn’t tip you off?” Dominique asks.

Mariana shows her own calendar on her phone - the exact same phrasing as she had dictated to Levi back in October.

“So, are you...like… I guess how...are you?” Jesus asks.

“Staying busy,” she allows.

“Did you marathon HSM without me?” Mariana asks. “Did you still want to?”

“I’m kinda...doing something else today,” Dominique shrugs apologetically. “It’s… I don’t know. It’s not that I’m not sad. It’s just that…”

“Sometimes it helps,” Jesus allows. “To keep your mind on something else.”

“Right.” Dominique nods.

“No pressure...but we can listen...if you wanna share anything…” Mariana offers.

“I don’t know,” Dominique admits. “But thanks for stopping.”

“Yeah, we can get going,” Jesus says. He’s halfway out the door when Dominique notices a Tupperware he left.

“Hey. You forgot your this…” she calls.

“No, I didn’t,” he says over his shoulder.

Roberta hops up on the arm of the couch to sniff it.

Dominique rushes to brace the door. “Did you… Are these hot chocolate cookies?”

Jesus is already across the hall, but Mariana hears. She stops and comes back. She nods. “Not to celebrate…” she reassures. “Just...to let you know...we know. And also trauma food.”

“Thanks...for that. For explaining,” Dominique manages. “And for coming.”

“We’re gonna get better about it. We promise.” Mariana says.

\--

Mom shows up around dinner time with barbecue chicken pizza from the store. 

They have it, and cookies for dessert.

“You seem...different somehow…” Mom observes.

“This one feels different,” Dominique nods. “Oh. Can I show you what I’m making?”

“Please,” Mom says. “I love seeing what you make.”

Dominique takes her hand and leads her into the costume room where the teeny tiny costume is. The red hat with antennae and the green sleep sack looking part.

“Oh my God…” Mom whispers. “This is so sweet, babe. You made this for her?” she asks.

“I did. Do you… I mean… Is it silly?” Dominique hedges.

“Not at all. You’re coping. You’re taking your grief and you’re channeling it. That’s smart.”

“I just...I was telling Fran this morning. I thought of my bee costume. And I didn’t wanna assume that she’d wanna be a bee, but…”

“It’s perfect,” Mom says offering an arm. Dominique leans against her, tapping a spot on her head for a kiss.

Mom obliges. “So, what did Fran have to say about it?”

“That maybe she’d have been a cute caterpillar,” Dominique shares.

“Well, she’s right about that,” Mom reassures. “Your friends are checking in this year,” she observes. “I know it was hard for you that everybody came through for Jesus.”

“Yeah, I finally shared with them a little. And they’re coming through...even without the whole story. Jesus and Mari stopped by.”

“I thought so, based on the cookies,” Mom grins. “How was that?”

“Good, I think.” Dominique allows.

“I’m proud of you,” Mom tells her. 

“‘Cause I’m out of bed?” Dominique asks.

“Because you’re dealing with something very hard,” Mom says. “Because you’re my daughter. Because you’re you.”

“Thanks,” Dominique says.

\--

Pearl’s waiting at home for Levi. It’s been a long six hours. And it’s been an adjustment living in her own cabin again.

She knows it’s Dominique’s traumaversary today, but somehow, the idea of reaching out has Pearl hesitating. She’s been hesitating all day long.

They’ve dropped the ball with Dominique so much that the idea of letting her down one more time has Pearl feeling stuck in decision-paralysis.

Should she Polo? Text? Video chat? Should she call? Should she have written a letter? She definitely should have checked in before now, to see what Dominique actually needs today.

When Levi walks in, Panther’s there to greet him, licking him all over the face.

“Yeah, hi. Hi. I know I smell like food. There were free samples. Yes, there were. I know you love salami. Hey… Are you okay?” Levi says, noticing Pearl on the couch.

“I’ve done pretty well at being there for Dominique. But today, I just...I don’t know what to say… Death is… It feels more real this year. And I…” she wells up with tears, surprising Levi. “I miss Dad. And I don’t want to call her and check in with her, so she’ll do the same for me. That’s selfish.”

“But I’m here,” Levi says, sitting down beside her. “And it’s okay to miss him.”

She shakes her head, whispering. “It’s never been okay…”

“She’s not here,” Levi reassures. “She’s not gonna get after you. You can feel about this…” He opens his arms, and she goes into them.

He snags Grumpy the Care Bear off the back of the couch where he’s perched and sets him between them. Gets the Dad blanket and drapes it over Pearl’s shoulders.

She cries. She just cries. And it reminds Levi of being next door during the blizzard. Of how Dominique fell apart and how Mari and Fran and Pearl were all just there for her...of how Dad was there for him...whenever he had feelings.

There isn’t anything to say. So he just holds onto her, and she holds onto him. 

They both feel.

And it’s okay.

Because they’re together.

\--

It’s after 8 PM when video chat rings, and it’s the Wests. Dominique has been curious about where exactly they are. Pearl’s an early riser, but this morning had no Polos from her. And she hasn’t heard from Levi since yesterday.

“Hey…” she says. “My mom’s here.” she says, showing them.

“Hi, ma’am,” Levi greets, shy.

“I’m glad you’re together,” Pearl says genuinely.

Pearl looks like allergies have been bad...or…

“Are you okay?” Dominique asks her. 

“I’m okay,” Pearl reassures. “I think I just… It’s hitting me that...on these days… There’s nothing that can be said.”

“That’s the truth,” Dominique nods.

“And I always have to know what to say…” Pearl shares. “Anyway, I’m okay. How are you?”

“I’m alright. It’s been a good day. Well, maybe not good. But okay…” Dominique nods.

“If you need to talk...you can…” Levi invites.

“I made this,” Dominique ventures, shy herself now, holding up the caterpillar outfit that looks fit for a doll.

“That’s adorable,” Pearl praises.

“Mom’s taking it home...putting it with my bee costume from when I was a baby.”

“Oh,” Levi says, and she can see the wheels turning in his head. 

“When I…” she hesitates, turning so they can see her profile - so her scars are visible. “I was pregnant. And when the accident happened...I… I mean, she didn’t…”

“Oh,” Levi says again.

“That’s…” Pearl ventures. She doesn’t say what. “I’m so sorry.”

“Jesus doesn’t know. Mariana doesn’t know. I mean, Mari knows a piece. Fran knows I lost a baby but not the...circumstances… So, if you could just…”

“This is yours to share,” Pearl reassures. “When and with whoever you decide to share it with.”

“I won’t share it. But thank you,” Levi speaks up. “For sharing with us.”

“Having you here helps,” Dominique says, looking at Mom. “And...it means a lot...that you don’t know what to say...and you called anyway.”

“We love you,” Pearl says. “We’re so sorry for your loss,” she says in a way that lets Dominique know that Pearl respects just how complex the situation is.

“I love y’all, too,” Dominique says, wiping tears from her eyes.

The screen goes black.

“They came through,” sighs Dominique, leaning heavily against Mom.

“They came through…” Mom echoes, holding her tenderly.


	119. Follow-Up

Francesca braces herself a lot on the day Michael Smith is back in school. Lena tries to talk to her in the morning before she goes:

“Honey, if he gives you any trouble at all, I want you to know you can come and tell me. You’re not in trouble for talking to Timothy in this case, alright?” she says as she does Fran’s hair.

“Mm-hmm,” Fran says, trying to double-task, and eat her cereal at the same time she’s getting her hair done. It’s hard.

“Are you still upset that Brandon knows?” Lena asks.

“Of course I am,” Fran mutters. Her stomach sinks. She really doesn’t feel like eating breakfast. “B doesn’t just know. You and Mom  _ told _ him.  _ And _ Talya.  _ And _ Mariana. I only said Timothy could know. And you.”

Lena comes around to face her. “I am sorry,” she says, and it’s weird. Like she actually means it. “I didn’t realize you weren’t ready for family to know. Okay?”

“Is Mom sorry?” Fran asks.

“I’m sure she is,” Lena reassures, but Fran isn’t so sure she believes that.

“You guys all acted like my keeping my business a secret was a bigger deal than what Michael did to us…” Fran points out, focused on her lap.

“Did we?” Lena asks.

“Yes, the whole time you were all like, ‘ _ Why would you keep that a secret? _ ’ ‘ _ Why wouldn’t you tell us?’ _ Not ‘ _ Michael was wrong.’ _ ”

“I guess I thought you knew, Fran,” Lena says, like she’s really not getting this.

“How would I know if you don’t even tell me?” Francesca wonders softly. “If you don’t even say he was wrong? Like, a lot.”

“He got suspended from school. Doesn’t that communicate the same message?” Lena asks.

Francesca’s heart drops. “So...did you think I was wrong a lot when you suspended  _ me _ last year? When I tripped and caught myself. On Michael? After he kept knocking me off balance? After he called Dominique names?”

“...The same Michael, who--” Lena starts.

“Yeah. The same Michael,” Fran says, running out of patience.

“Fran, honey, I had no idea…” Lena says.

“But I  _ told _ you…” Fran objects. “What’s so different now?”

( _ Is it because you know I like girls? Like Isabella, at least?  _ Fran only thinks this. She can’t say it out loud. It’s the only difference she can think of.)

“Honey, I’ve learned a lot since then. I know Mom scared you that day, right? With what she said? About jail?”

Fran nods. “Still...you didn’t believe me then...but you do now?”

“Honey, I can’t change the past. I wish I could, so much it hurts. But I can only change what I do going forward.”

“Great, so the past doesn’t even matter,” Fran says, sighing. “I can’t wait to get out of here and go to camp,” she says under her breath.

\--

Mariana sleeps until after noon. When she gets up, she’s more than ready to just be at Jesus’s, but there’s a knock at her bedroom door.

Stef.

“What?” Mariana asks, rubbing sleep from her eyes.

“I’m sorry. Did I wake you?” Stef asks.

“No,” Mariana shakes her head. 

“Can I come in?” Stef asks.

Mariana nods.

What the hell is up now?

“I’ve been meaning to tell you...your doctor texted me earlier this week....” Stef begins, uncomfortable.

“Doctor,” Mariana repeats.

“Your counselor...Nadiya,” Stef clarifies.

Mariana corrects her automatically, “Dr. Rahman,” 

“Right. She said that talking about Nick’s arrest was upsetting you, and that topic was off limits?” Stef asks like it’s a question.

Mariana just waits.

“Well, I...just want you to know that I got the text. I got your boundary. And I won’t discuss it with you anymore,” she says stiffly.

“Are you...sorry?” Mariana manages, hesitating.

“Of course, I am, Mariana,” Stef insists, sounding brusque. Sounding anything but apologetic.

Mariana doesn’t say anything. 

Stef looks like she’s about to leave. 

“What about Fran?” Mariana asks.

“What  _ about  _ Fran?” Stef checks.

“Are you sorry...to her?” Mariana asks. “For telling the whole table that she and her...Bella...were bullied? That she had a thing for a girl?”

Stef sits down on Francesca’s bed and sighs. “I suppose if someone told my dad about Tess and I...I’d have felt...very betrayed, yeah…”

Mariana doesn’t know what to say to this. She’s just trying to get Fran the apology Fran deserves and yet somehow, now, Mariana’s Stef’s sounding board for her own childhood crap.

It’s confusing as hell, because at least this is familiar. This is what their relationship used to be. Stef used to care about Mariana’s opinion. But the more Mariana learns in therapy, the more she recognizes that it’s not her place to parent her own parents.

“So, I owe her an apology,” Stef says, and it’s too close to a question for Mariana’s comfort. 

“At least,” Maraina maintains.

“Alright. Well, thank you...for the heads-up. I will do that,” Stef says. “Do you want breakfast before you leave? Or brunch?”

“I’ll eat at Jesus’s. But thanks,” Mariana says.

\--

Francesca can barely concentrate at all on school.

Michael 2 is definitely back, and he’s weirdly quiet. It makes Francesca super nervous. What if he’s mad enough that he does something even worse than the pictures?

It’s not until lunch that she finds out what’s really up.

“If you take anymore pictures of Fran and Bella...or, like, anyone in this class to spread around?” Shane says to Michael in a low voice at the lunch table. “I’ll break your phone.”

“Shut up,” Michael says.

“He doesn’t even have his phone,” Jayden says, with a smirk. “His parents took it away from him.”

“Shut up!” Michael says.

“What? I’m just saying. They did. And now you have to use your grandma’s old one that doesn’t even have a camera in it.” Jayden points out, eating a tatertot.

Fran and Bella look at each other. Then at Michael. His face is bright red, all the way into his blonde hair.

“He’s not gonna bother us again,” Isabella tells Fran and then turns to Michael. “Are you?”

“No,” he says softly. “Now leave me alone,”

Finally, Francesca can eat her lunch in peace.

\--

That night, it’s Levi’s turn to be their backup while Fran and Mari talk to Moms. Fran still hates this a lot. Not Levi. Just the talking to them part.

Levi’s here before Moms even are. Mariana sends Fran a text:

**Mariana:**

_ Stef might apologize. OK w/ Levi knowing? You and Bella? _

“Levi, just so you know? I have a girlfriend now,” Fran blurts, before Moms get to the table.

“Oh, you do? That’s awesome,” he says, like he’s really happy for her.

“Yeah, so it might come up tonight…” she warns.

“Okay,” Levi nods.

Moms finally get there and sure enough, it’s the very first thing Stef says:

“Francesca, I just wanted to make sure I apologized to you tonight. Mariana mentioned how I handled that was wrong. And I...want to be accountable…”

“So…” Fran waits. “You’re only saying sorry because Mari said to? What about me? I literally said I wasn’t ready for people to know. That didn’t tell you you handled things wrong?” 

Fran gulps. It’s like all the words inside her are getting braver. They always do that once she’s spent a lot of time in safety. It’s like, she has to remember she can’t just say everything on her mind.

“You’re right. I’m sorry,” Stef says, looking really uncomfortable.

Fran looks at Lena. “You told Brandon I was sensitive about it...which means you already told him before…”

“I’m sorry, Francesca,” Lena says, like she’s hoping Fran won’t throw a fit or something.

“They outed you?” Levi asks, quietly, like it really bothers him. “How do you feel about that?” 

“Bad,” Fran says. She already talked about it a lot with Dr. H. today, in therapy. She remembers the emotion word Dr. H. helped her find: “Ashamed. Because you  _ did _ raise me to be,” she lifts her chin a little. “About my CP. About all this other stuff I can’t help. Just like I can’t help who I like.”

Stef has tears in her eyes. Fran freezes. Lena blows her nose loudly.

“You can share,” Mari encourages. “They’ll be fine.”

“We’ll be fine,” Stef says, but she doesn’t look like it. Neither does Lena. Not one bit.

“That’s it,” Fran says. “Just don’t out me to anyone again. That’s my boundary.”

“We won’t,” Lena promises.

“And I won’t talk to you about Nick anymore,” Stef says. 

Mariana flinches. Fran searches for her hand under the table.

“So stop saying his name then…” Fran comments quietly. “No one wants to hear it at this table.”

Mariana says, “I love you,” to Fran.

“I love you, too,” Fran says.

\--

May dawns and with it comes a strange dread. Mariana feels it. Their birthday’s right around the corner. That’s a huge trigger now. She hopes to God it will be just a nothing day. Where they do nothing. Where Moms don’t even try to do anything.

Because anything they do try just makes it weird.

In Dr. Rahman’s office, Mariana feels like she can breathe a little. Speak a little. She updates Dr. Rahman about Stef getting the text. Apologizing. And even taking Fran’s words on board about not bringing up Nick around Mariana...which she’s stuck to.

“Jess and Elise sent me a bunch of snacks. I can’t eat a lot of them, but a few I can. So...I shared the rest with Jesus and Fran...and Dominique…”

“How did it feel to be thought of in this manner?” Dr. Rahman presses gently.

“Good,” Mariana nods. “Like they care.”

“Good,” Dr. Rahman looks happy.

“But when I...talked to Stef...about Nick? She was like, sorry...and I asked if she’d say sorry to Fran because of...something personal she did to her.”

“Okay. And what was Stef’s response to that?” Dr. Rahman says.

“She sat down and started saying how it would have felt to her if her dad did whatever...and like..checking with me...like,  _ “I should apologize, huh?” _

“And then you felt...what?” Dr. Rahman prompts, gentle.

“Like she was the kid. Like I was her parent. Which, I’m not.” Mariana states.

“You are absolutely right. You’re not.” Dr. Rahman echoes.

“Would you like to know how to navigate that in the future?” Dr. Rahman says.

“Leave?” Mariana asks.

“You can always leave, yes. Especially if a situation feels unsafe,” Dr. Rahman says.

“But is it...whatever...if I… Like, what if I felt...kinda good? Kinda like she needed me?” Mariana asks.

“Looking to you to take care of her...while inappropriate on her part...that’s still attention. That’s still time she spends with you. A time she listened to you. And apparently heard your feedback and took it on board. It makes sense that you felt good,”

Mariana breathes a sigh of relief.

“Your nephew’s coming soon…” Dr. Rahman says, consulting her notes after a pause.

“My birthday, too. Sucks…” Mariana decides.

“Does your nephew being born suck?” Dr. Rahman clarifies.

“No, just...our birthday… It’s a huge trigger now. I don’t wanna do anything. Just celebrate alone together.”

“Well, who says you can’t?” Dr. Rahman asks. “I think that sounds like a fine idea.”

\--

When Fran settles into Dr. H’s office chair the first Thursday in May, it feels extra squishy. 

Michael has had his grandma’s phone for the whole week. (Shane says he heard Michael has to have it for the whole entire rest of the year. It makes Fran so happy.)

“You look pleased,” Dr. H. observes, after Fran gets settled with whatever toys she wants.

“I  _ am _ pleased. Michael has to use his grandma’s phone without a camera for the whole rest of the year. Plus, Mariana made Moms apologize for outing me. Plus, camp is coming on June 26th.”

“Do you want to talk about your Moms’ apology?”

“Not really.”

“I see. And you’re excited for camp? Any nerves?” Dr. H. asks.

“Not really. I’m going with Giselle, so I’ll know someone. Oh, plus! Olivia told me she’s going to be one of my counselors!”

“That sounds like it’s important to you. Having familiar safe people around.” Dr. H. comments.

“It is,” Fran nods.

“Do you want to say anything else about camp?” Dr. H. wonders.

“Just that I can’t wait for it to be here! Plus, Jesus might come and be a speaker. And there’s family day or night or something, so The Avoiders could all come to camp and visit me…”

“Wow, that sounds wonderful.” Dr. H. says.

“Also, no offense? But Talya’s getting really ginormous,” Fran says. 

“I see,” Dr. H. looks kind of amused. “Her due date is coming soon, I assume?”

“In five days,” Fran gushes.

“How are you feeling about your nephew coming?” Dr. H. asks.

“Excited mostly,” Fran says. “Because a baby coming is a good thing, right?”

“Do you think it is?” Dr. H. asks.

“I do now, because babies are squishy and joyful...and I’ll have a place to go soon where I’m loved...so it won’t be so bad...even if Moms love him more than me.”

“Why is it that you feel they’ll love him more? Because he may not have a disability?” Dr. H. asks.

Fran nods.

“I see,” Dr. H. says.

“Soon, I’ll be aunt Francesca,” Fran explains.

“That you will,” Dr. H. nods.

The time has zipped by.

Before Fran knows it, it’s time to go.

(She hopes the time zips the same way these next five days, so Talon can hurry up and get here.)

Fran can’t wait to meet him.


	120. Arrival

Talon doesn’t hurry.

Francesca’s been holding her breath since May 10th. But it’s actually in a good way and for a good reason. Talya’s due date with Talon was then. She knew babies could be early, obvi. But she never knew babies could be late.

(It’s Friday now. Friday the 13th. Yikes. Also, Talon’s super late…)

May is not her favorite month. She still remembers last May when she fell at school, got detention and got threatened with jail all in the same day. But hopefully Talon coming will be something good in May.

No, not something. Someone. He’s a human, even though he’s still a baby and still inside Talya’s stomach.

Finally, Brandon calls and tells Moms that it’s happening, and Talya’s in labor for real. Moms say Mari and Fran can stay home together and buy a movie on Amazon to watch if they want, but Fran can’t concentrate. She keeps imagining a real live baby here.

They keep texting Jesus until he finally just comes and gets them and brings them to Gateway to spend the night.

“Can bad things happen from being late?” Fran asks, while they eat dinner.

“What do you mean?” Mariana asks.

“Like...I was early. And that was bad,” Fran tries to explain. She tries to cut her chicken but it almost jumps off the plate, so Jesus helps.

“It wasn’t bad,” Mariana objects.

“But it wasn’t good,” Fran pushes back. “I didn’t get enough air to breathe, right? Even though that’s weird. I should’ve gotten extra air from coming sooner. Wouldn’t it be more like Talon could…” Fran trails off, remembering all the times Moms told her not to bring up the possibility of Talon having CP.

They didn’t say it was rude out loud, but Fran figured it out.

“It doesn’t really work that way…” Mariana shakes her head. “I know what you’re saying. I’m not sure why it’s true, but it is.”

“Why is it rude to ask about Talon maybe having CP?” Fran wonders. “I have CP. It doesn’t make me rude.”

“No, you’re right, it doesn’t,” Jesus nods.

“It’s just a thing,” Mariana shrugs. “A social thing that people follow.”

Fran frowns. “I hate social things.”

“I know,” Jesus nods. “It’s not rude to talk about CP, buddy. If Talon does have it, he’ll also have you, which means he won’t feel lonely and stuff. But it’s also not something we know right away.”

“Right,” Mariana nods. “It takes time to show up...and it might not show up. Most people don’t have it. So...we’re gonna love him no matter what, right? Even if he doesn’t have CP.”

“Yes, because he can’t help how he’s born,” Fran answers.

\--

Jesus can’t stop pacing. It’s his least favorite habit, honestly, but it’s not been one he’s been able to get rid of. When he’s nervous, he paces.

Dudley’s at his side, keeping pace with him. Mariana and Fran are watching something on Netflix together.

He catches sight of something in Fran’s hand: “What is that?”

“Oh… It’s an alien...from that super old movie,  _ Toy Story _ . I got it for Talon. How long does labor even take?” Francesca asks, cuddling it.

“You got our nephew a stuffed alien?” Mariana asks, taking it from Fran and examining it.

“Yup,” Fran nods.

“Why?” Jesus asks.

“Because we’re weird, and Talon should know he’s joining a bunch of weirdys, in the best way.”

“It’s kinda cute,” Mariana admits tossing it at Jesus.

“Three eyes…” Jesus comments.

“So?” Fran challenges. “It has something different about it. That doesn’t mean it’s not loveable.” 

“This is true,” Jesus says. “I’m sorry,” he apologizes to the alien.

“P.S. You guys never answered me. How long does labor take?” Fran persists.

“No idea,” Jesus admits, his heart wincing at the fact that he has zero frame of reference for this...and that if he were home when Fran was born, he’d know.

“You took...like twelve hours?” Mariana squints at Fran.

“ _ Twelve hours _ !” Fran exclaims. “So he might not even be here til tomorrow?”

Mariana shrugs.

\--

The day drags into night. Mariana remembers this hold-your-breath feeling from back when Lena was delivering Fran. They all knew it was too early for her to be born, but at eleven, Mariana had been more excited to be a big sister. To have a baby around.

She’d never had a baby around before.

Of course, now it’s different. Fran had felt like hers, and Mari knows that Talon won’t be. He won’t live in the house, but he’ll come when B and Talya visit. He’ll be around at birthdays and holidays and whenever else Moms get together with them, probably.

It will be weird, being around a full-term baby. One who’s not super small. Not on oxygen. One who (hopefully) got to bond with his parents from the first and come home right away.

It’s after 10 PM when they get the phone call.

“It’s a boy!” Stef crows.

“Should we...come tomorrow?” Mariana asks. (The idea of showing up to UCSD making emotion clog her throat.)

“Yeah, let’s let them get some rest tonight. You, Jesus and Fran can swing by tomorrow morning. How’s everyone there?”

“Fine,” Mariana says. How can she say all the things they’re processing? All the ways Talon is changing their lives already?

“Okay, well, we love you, and a baby doesn’t change that,” Stef says.

But even Mariana can hear the difference in her voice. The night and day difference between how she sounded when Fran came, versus how she sounds now. Grief-stricken, versus about-to-burst excited. There is no comparison.

Fran’s right.

Mariana texts Levi:

**Mariana:**

_ Talon was born at 9:58 PM. At UCSD. Expected to go there and visit tomorrow AM. How do I? _

**Levi:**

_ I can be moral support. Let me know when you are going? I’m sorry you have to go back there. _

**Mariana:**

_ [broken heart emoji] [heart emoji] _

\--

The next morning, when Fran gets up at 9:00, Jesus tells her the good news. “The baby came last night when you were asleep. Stef said we could come by today and see him.”

“Really?” Fran exclaims, rubbing her eyes.

First things first, Fran jumps onto Marco Polo and sends one to Levi and Pearl and Dom. “I’m an aunt! We’re gonna go visit him soon!”

Pearl Polos back right away: “Congratulations! You’re going to have so much fun spoiling him. But how are you feeling?”

“Excited and kinda nervous,” Fran admits. “Because he’s here, and it’s real now.”

“That makes sense,” Pearl sends back.

Dominique actually comes over from next door to give them hugs and offers to drive with them over to UCSD since she works there.

“I figured you might want support,” she says, looking at Mari and Jesus. And Fran has a feeling inside her like, “oops” that she forgot that’s where Mari went when she got hurt.

“We can split, two and two, or we can all drive together,” Jesus offers. “Mari, how do you feel?”

“Together,” Mariana decides. Dominique is at her side and gives her a hug.

On the way to the hospital, Dominique drives. Mariana sits in the passenger seat, and Jesus is in the back with Fran, behind Mariana.

They’re driving along for a while, when all their phones ping.

“It’s Levi,” Fran tells Mari. “You should get it.”

So Mariana plays the Polo. It’s Levi, at his keyboard (not his laptop one, his musical one) and he’s playing a lullaby version of Happy Birthday for Talon.

“Sending love to y’all and to Talon. He’s gonna have such great aunts and an uncle.” Levi says. “Mariana, if you need me, I’m here all day.”

Fran squeezes the alien friend she got for him. She hopes he’ll love it forever, like she loves her Night-Night.

\--

Jesus takes a deep breath and walks into the hospital, hanging onto Mariana’s hand. Dominique is leading the way, holding Fran’s.

“Okay?” he asks, in a low voice.

Mariana shakes her head.

Jesus knows if she feels anything like him, she’s fighting the feeling of passing out. But Dudley’s here. He’s breathing deep. But all he can smell is the damn hospital smell.

Luckily, they take the elevator to somewhere else. Maternity-something.

They get off on a floor. The lights are the same. The walls are nicer. There aren’t people screaming.

But it’s still a hospital.

And Jesus still has way too many bad memories in places like this.

\--

Mariana makes it into Talya’s room, feeling numb. Too many sensory triggers to filter. Plus, Talya’s room is full to bursting. Her parents, Stef and Lena, B, Callie, Jude, plus Dominique, Fran, Jesus and herself.

It’s weird and different, and it rattles her. To be in this place. In such different circumstances.

Callie offers her a chair and she gratefully sits.

“Meet your nephew,” Brandon says, putting Talon in Mariana’s arms. He drops his voice, “I get that this isn’t like the best place for you to be. But hopefully this helps,” he gestures to the baby.

And it’s weird. Talon is big. So big he looks like Fran did when she was about four months old. He’s chubby. His hair is peach fuzz and his eyes are a nondescript blue.

He has mittens on his hands.

“Hi,” Mariana whispers.

Talon whimpers.

\--

Jesus stands close by and declines when Mariana offers to let Jesus hold him. 

“I’d...rather not. I just… I’d probably break him or something.” Jesus worries.

“Oh, sweetie,” Lena says. “I was worried about the same thing with Francesca, but babies are tough.”

Jesus can’t say that he’s never held a baby before. Doesn’t know if Moms have even connected those dots today. They’re so into Talon. So into this bio grandkid…

He can’t shake the feeling...the feeling that never once in his damn life...has anybody looked at him the way Moms and Talya and Brandon are looking at Talon. Like he freaking hung the moon, and he’s twelve hours old.

It’s not his fault, Jesus reminds himself.

He totally deserves love, too.

Still, Jesus sidles closer to Mariana. Leans against her. She leans against him.

It’s a whole conversation.

They get it.

They get each other.

\--

“How about you, Francesca?” Brandon asks. “You wanna meet Talon?”

“I’ve been waiting,” she says, her cheeks about to burst from smiling so big. Mariana scoots over so Fran can share the chair she’s in.

When Brandon puts baby Talon in her arms he’s heavier than she expects.

“Whoa. Is this how fat babies are supposed to be?” she asks.

“He’s only eight pounds,” Talya laughs.

“I was only one quarter of that,” Fran says back. “So, he seems extra big. Hi,” she greets him softly. “I got this alien for you. But don’t be scared of it, okay? It’s just for you to cuddle if you get lonely or something.”

Talon breathes and makes little baby noises. Then his eyes drift closed. He’s holding onto Fran’s finger.

And it’s the weirdest feeling, seeing this human who’s totally family, and also like a total stranger.

But he already belongs to them.

And, Fran vows, she’ll love him no matter what.

“I’m your aunt, Francesca. I’m going to camp soon, so don’t forget me, okay? I’ll write and check on you, and when I get back, I’ll tell you all about it. I promise.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> End of Part V.


End file.
